#probably still sounds ranty lmao

[akiriith]

Not usually the type to make this sort of comment on the main tag but can people PLEASE quit with the whole "Link is shorter than Zelda!!11!11!!" thing? Its starting to go from a harmless, joking tone that I thought was funny to something way too aggressive. I like Link being shorter myself, but oh my lord please let artists do whatever they want. We've been so blessed by the amazing art and writing that comes out of this ship's fandom. So like, what's the gatekeeping for? Draw short Link yourself if that's so important to you :/

Look, Link has a clear height, story AND personality based on the game and dialogue options but he is also a part of a franchise that unlike almost anything out there with a non customizable main character, willingly encourages you to headcanon him however you like, to the point where he was purposefully designed as androgynous and they don't want to create a Linkle because for them it would feel like confirming Link is male. Its almost as if canon is more of a guideline than a hard rule- the devs have their view of him and the story, but they also just want you to have your fun. So if players have this much freedom, if someone wants Link to be taller just, y'know, let them??

[plural-culture-is]

So, so. Questioning if I'm a system. I truly believe we are plural. I just, don't know. Sorry if this is choppy and doesn't make sense and seems way to ranty, my brain is a bit scattered and not really thinking stuff through?

I name specific actions or feelings as someone else, because it does not feel like that's me. It feels like someone is doing that, and it also brings me a lot of comfort, y'know? I can't tell if it's that someone else is effecting me, or it's a kinshift, and I do not know the difference anymore

I've never had someone tell me I don't act like myself, that they've always recognized me as myself. I've also never heard alters speak to me or have heard them speaking with each other, but I can feel them sometimes. I am so sure they are there some days. Then again, it may just me be hoping, a lot for something untrue. I have shitty memory though because ADHD, but, I do think I heard someone playing/thinking about a song and broadcasting? it with the rest of us, and at one point it felt like things I was feeling were not me but a child who was with me and giggling through me/the body. I also have feelings occasionally that don't feel like mine

I have had my friend see me space out and not be able to return me from said spacing out. I think I've dissociated before but I can't tell, and I think I deal with minor time lose? Idk, I just know I'm aware for snippets at time I'm doing or watching something and after I eventually snap out of it, it takes a moment for everything to reload about what I was doing. Also, when I get into something everything else but that thing disappears for a hot minute (senses mainly), but that might just be hyperfixation shit

I also know I refer to us as we or plural without thinking from time to time. I also know I speak to myself, but idk if this is because of my escapism tendencies/MaDD or something else. I know I've spoken out loud to myself for a pretty decent time, but idk about calling us plural

But, I don't ever recall finding things that I didn't do. That was buy someone else, and I can't remember a time I wasn't fronting

so, it does sound like you're plural!

I also sometimes struggle to tell if something is a kinshift or if I'm just fronting with someone else. But I guess if you feel like someone else, you're probably co-fronting, and if you still feel like yourself and only feel like yourself (with the addition of your kinshift of course but like. That stil counts as yourself), then it's probably a kinshift. But if you can't tell, try talking to whatever's there, and if you get a reply it's probably not a kinshift.

and also, no one has ever told us we don't act like ourself either! It's possibly because we've been plural most of our life so people are just used to us acting different all the time, or maybe we're just too good at masking that no one notices. But I literally once asked someone we're not out to if they think they would be able to tell if it wasn't me in control of the body and they said yeah, but that, obviously, is not the case lmao. Some people are just oblivious, I guess.

and I also, a lot of the time, can't hear my headmates from headspace. It doesn't mean they're not there, and it doesn't mean they're not talking, we just have too many barriers and not good enough communication to hear each other unless we're in front together/in headspace together. But I can also generally feel my headmates when they're near front too.

these feelings you feel that aren't your own, for sure sound like they could be a headmate! If you don't feel like you're you, or something you did wasn't you, it's probably someone else.

and oh that definitely sounds like dissociation! So you could also have a dissociative disorder that may possibly also go along with your plurality. Do you think you dissociate more when you don't feel like yourself/between feeling like yourself and not? If so, then that dissociation could be connected to your plurality.

I've heard that singlets can't have entire conversations with themselves, so if you're having long conversations with yourself, you're probably actually talking to someone else, especially if you can't control what they say.

not every system gets amnesia, which means they don't have times where they found evidence of doing something they don't remember doing. If you think your dissociation is tied to your plurality, and you don't get amnesia, I'd recommend doing some reading on OSDD-1b and see if you relate to any of it, because that's basically the disorder that is DID without much amnesia. And even if you don't think your dissociation is tied to your plurality, you're still probably plural, based on what you've told me!

oh and even if you don't remember ever not fronting, possibly either you just have shared memory/don't have amnesia so you remember everything that goes on in front so it feels like you were there the whole time, or you're frontstuck and have been for a long time, which is fairly common, and obviously doesn't mean you're not plural.

so yeah, TL;DR is it definitely sounds like you're plural! And if it brings you comfort saying it, then of course you can call yourself a system :)

[charmspoint]

I was trying to check something about Zan (specifically how he got his cat because my memory sucks) and noticed you mentioned a Cain and Emory. More ocs? More fun ocs to hear about?

(Also omg the banner did change I spent 10 minutes trying to see if I misremembered how it looked or if it did change, looks great!)

-oc anon, who finally got some free time

Hi oc anon!! Lemme segment this

1. Zan picked up Shikei off the road after he was hit by a car. He was in a pretty bad state and already old as death but Zan is a goddamn softie and couldn't leave him there to die when he was obviously still alive so he brought him home. Honestly he thought the cat would die overnight but Shikei has a constitution of a cockroach and now Zan has the cuddliest version of satan following him around.

2. And yeah! Cain and Emory are two ocs I'm rounding off the cast with, I've been developing Cain lately (by which I mean coming into Frappe's dms to blab at one am while she's trying to sleep) and Emory's been pickling cuz she's an oc i made in high school so she's in line for a lot of revamping.

Here are some basics, as basic as my ranty self can get!

Cain - ex cultist, current egoist and megaloman, he believes he's destined for something great and probably evil but the good news is he has no idea how to get there and he mostly just sounds like someone who's recovering from staning the dark broody edge blorbo from his shows. His power is cloning and there's A LOT to say about his clones (I subjected frappe to like a seminar) but the important thing is that he can only make 7 clones and it's always the same 7 that are completely aware they are clones and perfectly remember what happened each time they were summoned, so along the time each of them developed their own personalities and relationships and cliques with each other and Cain. Because Cain was raised in a cult he's been lead to believe that these clones represent seven deadly sins. This is not truth they are just normal clones with memory retention but they've all been raised to believe it so they act accordingly. As a group they are all named Abel but usually use their ascribed sins as their name instead. By level of favor from Cain we got: Pride, Greed, Lust, Wrath, Envy, Gluttony and Sloth. At this point in the story they are more or less acting as a hive around the queen bee. They will make their decisions based on what will make sure Cain stays alive and will work against Cain if they think he's endangering himself. They have cliques and truces and pacts between each other and Cain is excluded from decision making like...a surprising amount of time while still keeping the illusion that he's in fact in charge.

Emory - still under construction, Frappe if ur reading this and see things I haven't told you, I wanted to but i always remember it at like midnight and im trying not to bother u when u go to sleep hvhg >.<. Emory's power is shapeshifting with the twist that as she shapeshifts she's also able to copy the persons memories up until the moment she shapeshifted into them. Her father was a burglar and a serial killer who's main shtick was to kidnap someone from the house he wanted to rob, kill them, have Emory transform into, sending her back in their place before anyone notices, do the job with inside help. He may have an inferior version of shapeshifting himself but I hadn't decided on the details yet. Anyway he got arrested via her help and now she's running around being a conman and a petty thief. That's all I got for her rn since I'm still mostly dealing with Cain, but her time to get fleshed out will come soon :3

3. @evaizelsilence ppl are loving the banner! Lmao yeah as soon as Frappe made it she was like 'ill have to do a better background later' n i was like 'u rly dont have to' n she was like 'No I Must' jhbjhbjh i love frappe

[ilkkawhat]

2020 fic year in review

tagged by @nade2308​ (thanks!) 

I’m gonna be a chain breaker and not tag anybody (honestly doesn’t feel right with the way that I end this little reflection) but if you want to do this, go ahead and say I tagged you

Total number of completed stories: 

97. 

Total word count: 

Going off of ao3′s word count statistics, around 341,848 words although a good amount was brought over from last year from ongoing/finished WIPs like Agony and Hollow Heart, so I’m sure it’s a lot less though I do have some unpublished words I’ve written this year. (Honestly...seems less than I would have liked.)

Fandoms written in: 

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and MacGyver (2016)

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

It just feels like less and not enough.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

Specimen Stokes. Agony is a close second, but I’ve struggled so much with that fic this year while Specimen Stokes, for the most part, hasn’t been deprecated on in my self hatred (only maybe like. twice) and it’s just been really fun to build and explore. (I gush about this fic a lot in this post lmao get ready)

Did you take any writing risks this year?

Shrinking Nick in Specimen Stokes, something I’ve only done in secret fic and honestly it was the funnest thing I’ve done in fic this year and I was shocked at the reception I got for it (I was fearful more people would stop reading lmao and I still am but idc. I’m having fun with that fic)

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year?

Finishing Agony to start Augury (which is gonna be a leap into a topic that I’ve always been nervous fully exploring in fic but I’m excited about it for the angst/trauma.) Maybe finish some more WIPs, work on fic prompt anon’s prompts that I’ve neglected (I’m so sorry and I hope if you’re still out there, that you are enjoying what I do write) and maybe start working on some more bigger WIPs I have planned.

And also...maybe working on the issues I talk about in the “under-appreciated” portion...

Most popular story of the year?

Laughter Lines seems to have the highest stats of all, still currently unfinished. I’m honestly more proud that Agony is in second place lmao (though that carried from last year)

Most fun story to write: 

To absolutely nobody’s surprise, Specimen Stokes. Almost too much fun.

Most unintentionally telling story:

Probably Agony, Finder’s Fee, There is Just One Thing I Need, It’s Not Like Christmas At All, Catharsis, All of those bathtub fics I wrote this year...all of these fics have words spoken by and said to me, or general thoughts/feelings that I tried to idk. in a cathartic way, get out in fic but...didn’t always help.

Biggest disappointment: 

Not finishing Agony. And almost deleting it like. Ten times this year. (and wasn’t it this year I deleted like three other fics? so those too) Actually almost deleted all of my fics at least twice and I’m disappointed that even crossed my mind to do...and that it still does. 

Biggest surprise: 

Specimen Stokes. I legit had only intended to write it as an impromptu response to an ask, which technically didn’t ask me for a fic but I did it anyway and then kept running with it and haven’t stopped yet.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

(I’m moving this one to the bottom cause it gets a little ranty and whiny and so if you don’t wanna read it, you don’t have to press read more but if you do. I’m sorry...but that’s really what I’m feeling)

This is gonna sound terrible and absolutely ungrateful and probably make people like me even less than they already do but lmao...none of my fic has felt all that appreciated lately. And it’s not even about quantitative statistical counts of kudos and hits and all that shit, it’s the quality of feedback I recieve these days. just the general feeling that I’m not writing as good as I did before, that people have become disinterested in my stuff or fallen off of the multi-chaps that I haven’t been updating as frequently, or just being disinterested in my content. I’m not being specifically told what people do like about my writing, I don’t feel the same (or much of any with a few exceptions) encouragement and support as I did before, the silence has just been kind of making me feel the opposite--I’m sure earlier this year I probably didn’t feel this way but in this last half, I’ve felt so alone in all of my writing and so...I’m just not feeling good about it at all right now, even when I do manage to spit some random stuff out like I did over the weekend...that felt good...until it fell flat.

And again I know it’s terrible and selfish and ungrateful--esp given that yeah, I’m still getting kudos. I’m still getting hits, etc so I do have the sense that people are still reading I guess. Not as many comments and when they come (you know who you are if you’ve left a comment in recent works) I cherish them with all my heart but then it still just hurts or feels obligated? So I don’t always even believe them? could be tied to all the other mental issues I’m having right now and maybe one day I’ll just. stop caring enough to not feel this way anymore. And maybe idk I just get illusions that people care about my stuff and that’s just really not the case. It’s not. Sometimes I wish I never published fic to begin with tbh. Especially if I’m feeling this way about it all.

And trust me, I wish I didn’t. But I probably deserve it for being such a brat. Fandom’s supposed to be fun and it’s just...not for me as much anymore. I don’t even feel like I’m part of any sort of community anymore, I’m just alone in this corner I’ve carved out that’s still spewing content that nobody seems to want or care about. And I know that I’m not really making it fun, and I’m not feeling as included either with this bad attitude and it also probably has to do with how I deleted in october, but...it all just. hurts. and I don’t know what to do to make it better.

[insunny]

1) rn im making amigurumi snails and a pair of gloves, n i might start a cardigan soon. i havent read much this year either, but i love coming of age and mysteries. the one i just read is called red white and royal blue, it was so good! didnt know i could still read a book in 3 days, havent done that since middle school probably lmao. wow u really love figure skating! i think thats so great, its really nice to have something you love that much! i know those skaters, ive seen some their routines!

2) i remember watching ice skating in the 2018 olympics, thats when yuzu caught my eye. i get what u mean about winter, the cloudy skies and early nights can get to ya, but the holidays make everything seem so bright n cheerful. the gingerbread definitely helps! ooh song recs let’s see..i love the whole folie a deux album of fob’s, sunshine riptide n bishops knife trick are great too. for the killers, the man and change your mind perhaps? and hey i hope u get more chances to relax from work! -ss

Happy 3rd week of December dear and sorry for the late reply 🤍 Amigurumi snails sound adorable! A shame you can't send pictures in anon... And a cardigan? That's honestly pretty cool, I could never with my level of patience... Also, I googled red, white & royal blue and it seems interesting, probably will give it a go as well!

Ah, my skating rambles... For someone who barely knows how to skate forward I like watching it a lot, but it's just been like that since I was a kid. I did dream of becoming a figure skater back in like 1st/2nd grade but now reading textbooks and following competitions is enough for me, I don't really feel the need to get on ice myself unless it's just for pure fun. I'm satisfied with my current hobbies. I also love watching dance as it is the sport I'm actually involved in.

Thank you for the recommendations, I'll be sure to check them out! Also, since I've once again provided a whole unnecessary skating paragraph, I would love to know which subjects you get all ranty about. What's something you could go on about for hours? Feel free to ramble too :D

So little time until Xmas... Feels unreal...

[infiniteuncertainty]

y

I feel like I am constantly running around constantly under pressure and constantly feeling useless. I believe I am frustrated and irritated beyond belief with my life. I think I have finally realized that I am not always happy and granted that’s ok - nobody in life is perfectly happy 100% of the time but lately I get into these funks where I just wish I could run away or be alone or start over or just be with a friend. I wish it were as simple as it used to be - to make plans with a friend. I can’t seem to do that much anymore. The fact that my mom is going through hell practically and my dog is slowly withering away - fuck this sounds depressing but this is how my life has been lately. Stressful, upsetting, and yet somehow busy. I remember when there were times I’d be home alone like I am now and I would just lay on the floor next to my dog or just pet her and hug her and play but she has grown old and lost her mobility. Basically, it’s up to us when to decide that she has to leave. Which if you’ve had to do this I’m sure you know how shitty it feels to have to make that decision. It really fucking sucks. Abby was truthfully my first pet but I knew she wasn’t going to make it much longer. The poor ol’ girl is 15 and I mean she had a surgery on her spine when she was like 7? It sucks so much because on the outside besides the mobility I mean she still will catch a toy for a little bit and thank god she still eats and drinks - but when she can’t get up to walk let alone stand for very long it just has to be miserable for her I’m sure. On top of all of this, my mom ha been having a hard time with her chemo, I believe they’ve changed her drugs like 4 times or so? She keeps getting reactions or bad side effects. Plus she’s lost most of her hair now and absolutely hates it. She hates the way she looks and is totally self-conscious about it all, no matter how many times I tell her how pretty she is, she could care less. I completely understand because I too am not happy with my own body so I’m sure if that were me I would be a complete mess and so that being said it sucks to feel completely useless in those times when she’s so upset. It breaks my heart but I hope this new drug they are putting her on goes smoothly. People literally call it the red devil - like wtf as if that’ not scary enough - it has a 2% risk of developing heart issues or leukemia over time. So she’s incredibly nervous and all I can do is wish and pray the best for her. 

Talking about all of this reminds me of how much people don’t understand what it’s like to go through any of this (unless they have experienced it). Becoming diagnosed with something like stage 1 breast cancer completely flips your world upside down. Of course it takes a toll on you physically but I dont think people realize it does just as much damage mentally - which obviously the person going through this suffers the most but it’s not like their loved ones are perfectly fine either! and I guess this has been eating away at me this entire time since she was diagnosed back in October. I’m not trying to play the pity card or ask for a pity party or whatever but there are very few people in my life that I call my friends that have truthfully asked me about how my mom is doing. And when I sit back and realize this - I imagine how if this were the other way around and it was my friend's mom I know for a fact I would be there for them and talk to them more than most have bothered for me. Now don’t get me wrong - there are a select few, like literally I could count on one hand, that have and I thank god that they exist or I would probably feel like complete shit 24/7. It just hurts. It hurts to know that because I had finally put my foot down and told myself to stop being that person that always reaches out because ya know what - for once it would be nice if someone reached out to me, and then to see the people who I thought were my close friends to not really say much - really fucking blows. I miss my friends. I miss having friends is how it really feels. I hate that everyone just assumes that I’m totally fine. UPDATE: I’m not. and haven’t been for a while. I miss them a lot but I keep telling myself to not bother contacting them because what is the point? it’s not like I can go meet them. I am stuck in my house. There are days I don’t mind this and there are days I want to get the fuck out. But I can’t. 

On another note - my father has turned into a real jerk. LITERALLy have not even spoken to him on the phone since our whole traveling experience where we argued the drive there AND back. I can’t stand his stubbornness and selfishness anymore. He was constantly on my as bout getting a job and how it’s gonna be a year since I graduated and how sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do in life. NOW - all of that being said yeah I know he’s not wrong but also he isn’t 100% right either. He literally has no fuckng clue as to what it is like to live here. He just thinks I’m sitting around not trying to do anything with my life because I live with my mom and darren and gmah. I had gotten so sick of having that argument with him in the car having to explain to him “what I’m doing to be so busy” everyday. I told him that he’d be the first to know when I got a job but that wasn’t enough. He questioned me bout why not take a train or uber to a job - GEE IDK MAYBE BC I DON’T WANT TO. I get incredibly anxious when taking public transportation ESPECIALLY to new places and I hate relying on it bc I’ve been late to school so many fucking times I don’t really want to stress about it - it honestly would just be really nice to have my own car so I could have my own actual life and maybe idk go see a friend or go to wherever the fuck i want to go. He still cant manage to help me out with that one - but besides all of that bullshit - IT’D BE NICE IF YOU AND LIBBY COULD HAVE THE DECENCY TO ASK HOW MOM IS DOING. THAT IS WHAT IM EXTREMELY UPSET ABOUT and why I haven’t bothered to call him since he dropped me off March 26th. I made that very clear to him in the car - he always tells me how I can call him up anytime to talk but really he made the point to say I only cal him when I need something or he doesn’t understand how I am busy when he calls me I’m either cleaning or going to the store.. yes dad that is all i ever fuking do. NO NO I don’t call you up just to talk because a.) you either talk all about your business the whole damn time b.) whatever I tell you isn’t good enough obviously sorry if I’m not busy enough. SO I’m sure he hasn’t called me because he’s gonna play it off to be he was waiting on me but HA YEAH I WASNT KIDDING. so here I am. What especially pisses me off is the way Libby has literally the entire fucking time said NOTHING to me about like oh hope your moms okay or how she doing or how are you. Like honestly if this whole situation was flipped we sure as hell would show more concern that you heartless assholes. ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE STAYING AT YOUR PLACE ANYTIME SOON. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE YOU REALLY COULD CARE LESS. 

UGH Now I’m just irritated with everything. I’m trying to vent as much as I possibly can because its been a hot minute and like I said I dont get to see many friends to do this with. Sooooo I resort to my good ol’ tumblr to type up a fucking ranty novel for nobody to read. *thumbs up emojii* lmao If you have read this far - I hope you are at least having a good day♥