#processing this precious friendship as an aroace person was the whole reason I started this blog

[llamamonger]

So my dear friend I thought could be on the aroace spectrum is now actually attracted to someone & about to commit to a romantic relationship. If my heart hadn’t been broken a long time ago, I would say this is heartbreaking. But it feels more like lava hardening over after a long eruption. I knew this was the likely outcome from the beginning of this friendship, over 3 years ago, but when there was still the wild (stupid) hope that I could be their best friend, their person forever, there was never any real closure. But now I know I could never be that kind of priority. I was able to at least express a few things I’ve always wanted them to know (namely, that I love them & they’ve been special to me from the beginning, & that I chose to be their friend despite knowing I’d lose them because they were worth it). I told them I’d miss them, since we both know we’d end up spending less time together. They told me they’d miss me, too. Which is better than nothing. I told them that’s the first time in 10 years someone’s said that to me and meant it. I didn’t tell them that person soon after didn’t miss me at all & eventually didn’t want to be friends at all. I didn’t manage to clearly tell them I’d wished we could be best friends—that’s my only regret since I had the perfect opportunity to say it & fumbled. But it’s probably better I didn’t, since any response less than positive would’ve topped off my rejection level at “catastrophic.” I guess I feel like I’ve done everything I can now—their romantic interest is a good person this time & someone I would trust to take care of them. I just wish I had been enough.