#projects onto the pevensies as if its my full time job

[bloodybigwardrobe]

there is a galman footman with moss green eyes who keeps making eye contact with peter. peter has a panic attack when he realises why his heart keeps racing whenever their eyes meet and the other boy’s lips twitch into a smile. he allows himself half an hour to freak out, then decides to simply shove it all far down and never think about it again. it doesn’t work, of course. it almost feels as though his decision to ignore it makes it only harder. it doesn’t stop him from trying with growing desperation and increasing self-hatred. he is absolutely terrified.

one of the attendants of an archenlandish visitor is a young woman with a dimpled smile. she compliments susan's hair and susan blushes so fiercely that she has to excuse herself to get fresh air. it keeps happening and susan finds herself suffocating under the thought that she would really like to spend all her time with the other girl. it all comes to a head when the attendant catches her when she slips and susan flees the banquet to break down in her room. when peter comes and begs her to tell him what's wrong, susan throws caution to the wind in a desperation to get it out of her head. she doesn't know what she expects, disgust, confusion, denial, perhaps screaming. instead, peter gets quiet and holds her tighter. when he tells her about the galman footman and his own thoughts, susan cries again, but this time with relief. they cling to each other and sob through more confessions, more shared thoughts and fears. they don’t quite come to terms with it, but they feel lighter. 

peter finds edmund in the library on a rainy day. edmund slams his book close and tries to play it off. peter is ready to tease when he sees genuine fear in his brother’s face. it takes careful reassurance and promises on peter’s side for edmund to reveal a sketch of the revel in the history book, more precisely two fauns kissing. a dam breaks and edmund rambles, begging peter not to get angry. peter doesn’t know how to handle it. eventually he grabs his shaking brother and hugs him. edmund doesn’t quite break down, but eventually talks about one of the archenland knights who edmund can’t stop thinking about. his voice cracks when he asks peter if he understand, and peter’s hands shake on edmund’s back when he says that he does. that night, peter and susan sit down and decide that narnia isn’t the other place, and that it can’t be wrong. it takes a bit longer for it to sink in, but they try.

lucy falls into the parlour with a flushed face and embarassed smile and asks susan how to know when you like someone. she is full of giggles and rocks back and forth as she waits for susan’s answer. she nods excitedly at everything susan says, then covers her face with her hands and laughs. before susan has time to ask, lucy starts talking about one of the girls from the lone island delegation who she has been spending time at the beach with. susan swallows down the ball of emotion surging up inside her and encourages lucy to spend more time with her crush. she sends a breathless lucy back out to have fun. she keeps it together until she finds peter and then her tears are accompanied by unbridled joy. because lucy wasn’t worried, didn’t pause in fear or apprehension when she told susan. and neither of them remembers the other place much these days, if at all. they only remember the self-loathing and terror rooted deeply in them even now, and the thought that lucy would be unburdened by it all throws another weight off their chests.