#internalised homophobia tw

[eternaldark]

bridgerton original muses...

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤMYLES TIERNEYㅤㅤㅤ‚ㅤㅤㅤt.m blyth.

ㅤㅤㅤmyles, along with his parents, older twin brother & two younger siblings, moved to london from ireland a few years prior to the show's second season ( or around that, idk man ). he & his father don't get along whatsoever & often relies on his twin running interreference. he's quite reserved & quiet, only really showing parts of his true self when playing sports of that time era. almost everyone is kept at an arm's length & he rarely notices that he's doing this; it's his norm at this point. myles has no interest in the high society nor the search for a partner. in fact, he's not interested in women at all. myles has known he was gay since he was a young teen, but has never said this out loud. he can't picture a world in which he could because, put simply, that terrifies him.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤREBECCA ROWEㅤㅤㅤ‚ㅤㅤㅤsophie skelt.n.

ㅤㅤㅤrebecca is the younger sibling of @burygods's peter. their family used to be known for their shipping company & that came with financial wealth. their father, however, got quite greedy and found ways to skim money from customers, etc. when this was revealed, the rowe name became synonymous with rock bottom. they were societal pariahs. rebecca tries not to let this bother her, but it does. she can be quite the sensitive soul & would much rather be judged on her own merit than the crimes of her father & this often leads to her coming to odds with society and her brother. still, it's her life & she's going to embrace everything that comes with that... or, at least, tries to. she's also entirely not interested in being married off, but it's the one thing that's expected of her which... sucks.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤRHYS TIERNEYㅤㅤㅤ‚ㅤㅤㅤj.nah h king.

ㅤㅤㅤoldest brother of the tierney four. he absolutely loves attention & will embrace it with ease whenever it comes his way. like his twin brother, rhys is very sporty and, for him, his physical prowess is just another avenue to show off in, along with his skills on the piano. he's very much a lads lad & loves to have fun with his life. after all, why have status and not use it? he can be quite flippant and may like his reflection a bit too much. he & his twin rarely see eye to eye. he's secretly a care bear, though. it just takes a few serious conversations and reality checks to get to that version of him.

[my-apollo-gies]

look as much as i love the idea of nico being a 2000s emo boy do you think this bitch is gonna have black nails kandi bracelets and eyeliner w all the internalised homophobia going on

[nightshadeanura]

sulce maría loynaz, tr. by james o'connor, from absolute solitude: selected poems // salma deera- letters from medea // ever fallen in love- the buzzcocks // angie wong // you know what they do to guys like us in prison- my chemical romance // unknown source // hieu minh nguyen- type ii // prayer for the newly damned- ocean vuong

[whatsbehindthefacade]

A rambly headcanon/meta post under the cut about Riff because I can and because @heygutlcss , @localfandomscribe & @grazziella have inspired me TW: drug abuse, overdose, alcoholism, physical and emotional child abuse, child neglect, self-harm, suicidal ideation, blood and internalised homophobia/biphobia

~ A Background

For me, Riff’s from a Polish immigrant family. His father immigrated as a small child shortly after the First World War, his mother as a teenager. Neither the marriage nor the household were a happy one, with the two of them more likely to scream and hurt each other than show many instances of genuine affection. To be crude, fighting and fucking were the cores of their relationship. Riff was neither planned nor wanted. His full birth name is Ralph Konrad Hofman, but if you dare to call him Ralph, you’re probably going to end up getting hit. His childhood could essentially be summed up in one word: neglect. As an infant, he was regularly left alone with little response to his crying. As he got older, he suffered regular physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his parents, both of whom were heavily involved with both drugs and alcohol. At the age of seven, his father was killed when he got mixed up with the wrong crowd, and at nine years old, he found his mother dead from an overdose on the floor of their apartment. From there, he went to live with his uncle, where unfortunately the abuse did not stop. At twelve years old, he ran away from home, and was taken in by Tony’s family, where he stayed until Tony went to prison. When that happened, he made himself scarce and as of canon events is squatting in a small abandoned apartment.

~ Tony

Riff first met Tony at school when they were seven, and they fast became friends when Tony threw himself into a fight to help him. From that point on, the two were practically inseparable, with Tony helping to act as a slight control to Riff’s impulsivity, though some seemed concerned that Riff was a bad influence. As well as being best friends, Riff developed a certain sort of hero worship of Tony. As they grew, so did this. Riff is in love with Tony in his heart, though he has very heavily repressed those feelings for obvious reasons.  This boy is so far in the closet, he’s in Narnia. Tony is arguably one of the most important people in his life, and the person who’s opinion he values above all. They start the Jets at thirteen together, Tony as the leader, Riff as his second-in-command. All in all, everything is pretty good in his eyes, until Tony goes to prison. Riff is left floundering. He’s in charge of the Jets, which is not something he’d ever imagined happening, and so he steps up. With Tony gone, the Jets are the most important thing to him, they’re his family, and he can’t let them down. There’s a part of him that definitely expects Tony to just take back over when he gets out, so when that doesn’t happen, it does throw him a little and starts that little bit of a divide between them.

~ Graziella

First thing I want to make clear in this is that Riff does love Graziella, just like he loves Tony. He’s had a crush on her for a bit, but keeps his distance before Tony goes to prison, because that’s Tony’s girl, and it’s not his place. Then the two of them break up and Tony goes to prison, and there’s a certain bond there in being two people who care so deeply about Tony who are now left with that hole in their lives. So they gravitate together, and it develops, though it does take Grazie making the first move to encourage Riff, with him not wanting to overstep. He adores her, and will quietly admit that she’s far too good for him in his opinion, but also he’s not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Riff is one of those people that, when he loves, he loves with his whole heart. Tony, Graziella, the Jets. He throws every ounce of himself into it, perhaps a little desperate in himself for that reciprocation, that feeling of having someone care for him.

~ Criminal activities

Long story short, Riff has been committing petty crimes since before he started school. Shop-lifting was one of the most common, often done to feed himself or for other things he ‘needs’. And of course, he’s been plenty involved in a wide variety of fights and vandalism.

~ Mental Health

All in all, Riff’s mental health is...not good. Not good at all. He’s, quite frankly, a mess hiding behind a façade of bravado and running his mouth. Day to day, he keeps up the act with a select few (Tony, Graziella) being allowed to see behind the curtain as it were. In the past, he has taken part in acts of physical self-harm, and has contemplated suicide on a number of occasions. By the canon period, while he very rarely physically self-harms anymore, he instead is a lot more reckless, regularly throwing himself into dangerous situations with very little regard for his own personal safety and a touch of death-seeking. He’ll do whatever he can to protect the other Jets, but has zero care for himself, and there’s a part of fighting that gives him that feeling of being alive. He doesn’t expect to live a long life. Live fast, die young.

That being said, when it comes to the rumble, and to the moment when the knives come out, Riff is terrified. There’s a part of him that knows at that point that regardless of what happens, it’s not going to end well. Death, when it comes, is a tiny hint of relief, but also a hell of a lot of fear and regret, even as he tries to focus, as always, on the people he loves.

Also to note, while Riff will drink, and will smoke weed, he steadfastly refuses to indulge in harder drugs and tries to steer the other Jets away from them too where he can. His mother’s overdose was severely traumatic for him.

[ccmpletemess]

closed starter for @prcttyvxnom

ft. phineas prescott & lee chang

Phineas was numb. It had been almost a week since the funeral, since he’d packed up everything and left with Sammy and their child. Being away from his parents, being nearer to Fi who understood his pain so clearly helped a little, but it didn’t help how lost Phin felt. Telling Sammy he needed a walk to clear his head, Phin had wandered the streets of Huntsville with no actual destination in mind. The original plan had just been to go for a walk, but when his eyes caught sight of a bar, he hesitated.

And that’s when he saw him. Lee Chang. The other man hadn’t changed much since Phineas had seen him last, despite how many years it had been. He still looked as handsome as— No. Phineas had to shove those feelings down. Realising he’d been lingering too long, and the other had probably caught sight of him. “Lee?” He murmured, shoving his hands in his pockets as he stepped closer to the other.

[fakecmpire]

a gentle kiss pressed on top of a band-aid. a cup of coffee left to go cold. the ghost of your breath on a crisp winter morning. a helping hand. an immaculate white coat. a simple crucifix on a thin silver chain. trying to be everything for everyone. making your parents proud. squeezing somebody’s hand. the drum of blood in your ears. sunlight filtering through a stained glass window. encouraging someone to lean on you. receiving benediction. being forever in need of just five more minutes. 

statistics.

full name:  christopher laurence ahn nickname(s):  he’ll accept chris, but he’s definitely more of a christopher name meaning:  bearer of christ age:  thirty-five date of birth:  january 3rd star sign:  capricorn place of birth:  seattle, washington current location:  grimrose, new hampshire gender:  cis-male pronouns:  he/him sexual orientation:  gay, but it’s complicated religion:  catholic, but it’s complicated occupation:  doctor at grimrose general practice family:  jae-won “jay” ahn (father), dolores ahn (mother) education level:  m.d from harvard medical school living arrangements:  a nice apartment on main street financial status:  comfortable spoken languages:  english, korean, spanish 

inspirations.

paul hill (midnight mass) marcus keane (the exorcist) louis de pointe du lac (interview with a vampire) james wilson (house m.d.) jane bennet (pride and prejudice) owen sharma (the haunting of bly manor) bruce banner (the incredible hulk)

biography. (internalised homophobia tw, catholic guilt tw)

Christopher was raised in a devoutly catholic household, and religion has pretty much shaped his entire life. He went to catholic school, did bible camp most summers, and attended church services with his parents at least once a week for the entirety of his childhood.

Growing up, he was very close with his mom and dad. It was just the three of them, and they were like the musketeers - there was a lot of love in the house, but that love became fraught as Christopher got older and started keeping secrets from them.

He couldn’t tell his parents about the terrifying things he felt; about his burgeoning crush on a boy in his class that nearly tore him in half with guilt and longing. It didn’t fit with the church’s teachings, and he wanted to be a good son - if that meant carving pieces of himself away to preserve that image, that’s what he would do.

It was practically a given that Christopher would be a doctor some day. Helping people was about the highest calling he could think of, and between his excellent grades and copious extra curriculars, he more than earned his place at Harvard. His parents were worried how their son would fair at a secular college so far from home, but they were proud of what their son had achieved, and trusted him to make good choices. 

He had a very active social life at college, but he never dated, insisting he was too busy to think about it. This was largely to protect himself, and to save him from outright lying to his parents when he came home for the holidays.

After working himself to the bone and finally completing his residency, Christopher was left to his own devices. Instead of returning to Washington as was expected, he opted to move out to New Haven, to a small town by the name of Grimrose. The town had need of a doctor, and on doing a little research into local history, he realised his mother had been born there - back when the place was called Mary’s Cove.

Having lived in Grimrose for a year now, he’s finally starting to feel a sense of something like home. He likes his neighbours, and is ever-friendly and helpful, but sometimes it feels as though there’s a sheet of glass separating him from everybody else. Nobody really knows him, not deep down, where it actually counts. He’s just a nice man, keeping everyone at arm’s length.

other things.

since moving to grimrose, christopher has started organising regular five-a-side soccer games, and can usually be found playing in the park every other sunday afternoon. he’s a midfielder, and supports chelsea football club.

he drives to the neighbouring town to attend church every sunday morning. 

he’s big on volunteer work, and rarely says ‘no’ if someone calls on him to donate his time. if there’s soup that needs ladling, a community garden that needs digging, or clothes that need sorting, you can count on christopher to be there.

he loves to cook, but can’t bake worth a damn. 

in an ideal universe, he’d have a dog - but he hasn’t got time to take care of one.

if he ever left general practice, he’d go into paediatrics. he loves kids, and keeps a selection of lollypops, stickers, and fun band-aids in his desk at work. one wall of his office is devoted to pictures his young patients have made him over the years.

like many doctors, he’s terrible at being sick. he simply refuses to slow down.

[mascula-sappho]

being lesbian to me still often feels like being sentenced to aloneness forever. esp cause audhd.

[luaminesce]

All my life, I know I've been... different; the idea of fucking men doesn't feel right to me; with women it feels... good

But when you've been raised with comphet your whole life, and people saying your existence is a sin...

[zachariahforester]

Conversion

Date: 11th of June, 1904 Place: Doctor Worsley-Trevelyan’s Office, London Status: Self-Para

Doctor Patrick Worsley-Trevelyan was the friend of a friend type. Zachariah thought they'd met at least once, he had an image of the man in his head, but mostly it was his reputation that Zachariah remembered. It was the details of Doctor Patrick Worsley-Trevelyan he had given to Benny on their fateful appointment almost 3 months ago. It was the unsent letter Benny had written to him that had revealed the truth to him and sparked their conflict. He hadn't thought of actually coming to visit him until after his conversation with Ira Vaisman at the garden Party when his abundant ignorance was made clear.

He had written and the Doctor had been glad to schedule some time for them to talk. Zachariah had outlined the reason for his visit, but had not given many details. Whether Dr Worsley-Trevelyan had believed him he did not know. He got the feeling many of his patients might exclude details or lie about their circumstances upon their first correspondence.

He had been expecting something more... sinister, but when he arrived at the address of the Doctor's Office it was a bright building on a respectable-looking street. Much to his shame, Zachariah had double-checked the address before ringing the bell and being admitted into the waiting room.

He was significantly early. He did not enjoy travelling in London and always left plenty of time in case of mishaps. It meant he now had a rather long time to wait until the Doctor could see him.

There was one other man in the waiting room. He had avoided his eye contact when he'd first entered the room, and they sat in silence for some time. Eventually, Zachariah decided a cigarette might help pass the time, but when he reached into his pocket he realised he had left his matches at home. He tsked and then turned to the man a few seats away. "I beg your pardon, but do you have a spare light?" He asked.

The man seemed a little suspicious but pulled his matchbook out and passed it over. Zachariah lit his cigarette, handed the book back, and then offered one of his cigarettes to the man. It was only polite of course.

The man accepted, and for a minute or two they smoked in more silence. Until...

"I've never met anyone else here." The man opened. Zachariah, though a  bag of nerves was only too happy to engage.

"No?"

It seemed the man had been eager to speak as well, for this was all it took to prompt more observations.

"I always assumed he spaced the appointments out on purpose, you know, to avoid crossover, protect... anonymity."

"You're here to see Doctor Worsley-Trevelyan as well?" Zachariah asked. He was aware of what the implication was for himself, but well, he was curious, and he didn't want to put the man off conversing by putting a barricade between them. After all, the man was a stranger, they would likely never meet again. He hoped they wouldn't in fact.

The man nodded and took another drag of his cigarette. There was a small awkward pause, as both of them struggled to find how to progress.

"Have you-" Zachariah cleared his throat- "Do you find you're benefiting from your appointments?"

The man considered him for a moment and Zachariah looked away, focusing instead on a picture hanging on the wall opposite.

"This your first time?" The man asked instead of answering Zachariah's question.

Zachariah hesitated before nodding. It was not an outright lie.

The man sighed and seemed to deflate with the breath. Zachariah glanced back at him just in time to catch the despondent shake of his head.

"The medicine has some effect and the hypnosis, eh." He gave a shrug. "Doc says I might be one of the men who don't... respond to the treatment." He flicked away the ash collecting at the end of his cigarette. "I don't want to put you off though. I hear there's a fairly good success rate, at least 50%."

"How long have you been seeing the Doctor?" Zachariah asked, his brow becoming more furrowed as they went on.

"This one? Two years. But there were others before this. Probably about 20 years of trying all in all." A long exhale of smoke.

Twenty years of regular appointments for nothing. For less than half a chance at... what?

"Why do you keep coming? If it's not working?"

The man shrugged again, as if he hadn't considered he could stop coming. Like he had no other choice.

"What's the alternative?" He paused. "My wife, she hopes-" He stopped and ducked his head. He didn't continue that thought. Zachariah didn't need him to. "A few sessions ago the doc mentioned a surgery where they remove your balls and replace them with the balls of some normal bloke."

Zachariah was not a particularly fainthearted man, especially when it came to surgery, but even this made him wince.

"But that could kill you."

The man just gave a small nod as if to say 'exactly, that's the alternative'.

Zachariah examined the man properly then. He looked tired. No, he looked exhausted. Old beyond his years. His skin was dull, his eyes were distant, his mouth seemed pulled into to permanent frown. His body language was closed off and defensive. 20 years and no end in sight. A miserable life that made a gruesome death seem almost preferable.

What was the alternative?

Zachariah stubbed out his cigarette. "Thank you, you have been most helpful." He stood and after a second's hesitation held out his hand for the man to shake. "I hope-" he couldn't quite find the phrase for what he hoped for this stranger but the man nodded anyway, slightly confused, but seeming to understand all the same.

Then Zachariah left the office.

He wasn't quite sure what the alternative was. Something close to the future Ira Vaisman had imagined for them he hoped. Anything other than a life of misery and self-hatred. Anything other than being pushed to a horrific early death.

This was not something to fix. This was not something to punish. The realisations had him tremble slightly as he walked away from the office with new resolve.

It was going to be okay.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Source: Love Shook My Heart; New Lesbian Love Stories - edited by Irene Zahava

[harveyassblog]

I just checked and I found out I had 1.3k followers. Hi. This is I think one of the first posts I’ve made on this blog in almost five years but I’m feeling down at the moment so I thought I’d reminisce.

Stardew Valley was the first game in which I romanced a male character. Yes, it was Harvey. I was eighteen years old, freshly out to myself and I was dipping my toes into the idea that I could get into a relationship with another man.

I had so much shame about it all then. I couldn’t speak, even to my queer friends about my feelings, like the words in my brain were censored before they even reached my throat. All things personal to me, all the aspects of myself felt embarrassing and wrong, fodder to be humiliated for. The thrill of a video game romance, the concept of openly wanting and being openly wanted, was exciting and mortifying.

The escapism of this imagined bucolic setting and of love and nearness to others, where being open and vulnerable is as simple as giving gifts and with a press of a button having something to say to someone. In life I struggled with my words, with relationships and being open with people. Even now talking about myself often feels like my innards are on display and I will be laughed at for it. I’m working on it.

Five years goes so fast and so slow. Forays into dating have left me hurt and confused. Coming out left some bruises. And in times of change like these, where people and friends who I wished would stay close forever have to move on and out into their lives, I think it’s easy for me to feel disheartened and stagnant. Like everyone’s caught in some big autumn but leaves me right where I’ve always been, a green leaf.

But I have changed. I came out to all the people I wanted to be out to, from whom I risked rejection. I’ve grappled with religion, with existential dread, with dating, even after I’ve been hurt. It sucks to have to go out there and meet new people and start over fresh when it feels like it takes me years to be myself around others. But those years have to start somewhere. My closest friend now I only really got to know five years ago. Who knows what five years more will look like.

I know that making a comparison between a real life concept with one that appears in a video game is sometimes seen as silly, but as this is a Stardew Valley blog it seems a fitting way to end. This is my year one again, with the sometimes cold people and the first flower dance. Even if I’m geographically in the same place, I’ll start fresh and there’ll be plenty of characters to know. One frantic day at a time.

I should learn to fish.

[the-spooky-children]

Talked about this in the tags of another post but I think I wanna talk about it on its own post:

I think hatred of Skid x Pump is rooted in internalised homophobia

Why? Well I myself used to HATE the ship (as some of you probably know), had the shippers in my DNI, everything, and my one reason was "they're kids, it's weird"

And

You know how in the shower and stuff you'll argue with yourself to boost your confidence? Well I was doing that and the "myself" I was arguing against in regard the to ship was like,

"Well, if Skid and Pump were a boy and girl instead of two boys you'd have no problem with the ship!"

And I realised

Shit

So yeah even though I'm queer as fuck apparently I had mild internalised homophobia and Spooky Month was the way I realised it

So after that I had a long think and decided that it was a stupid double standard and took Skump out of my DNI and went through my own ✨character development✨

So yeah, Skid x Pump dislikers, take a second to think if the reason you hate the ship is because they're kids or if it's because they're both boys

You might learn something about yourself

And if instead you're like "no I know for a fact I'd 100% feel the same about a het ship" then well done you passed! (/lh)

[my-apollo-gies]

i refuse to believe that nico actually had internalised homophobia from the 30s considering they had their memory wiped. he mayve had internalised homophobia anyway bc 2000s homophobia was still really shitty but i think it's more likely that nico just hated himself for loving percy on the basis that a) the guy was just really annoying and b) to nico percy did kinda kill bianca

[sollody]

DEAR PEOPLE WHO THINK MIKE WHEELER IS STRAIGHT OR/AND A TERRIBLE PERSON,

JUST CUT HIM SOME SLACK!

THANK YOU!

SINCERELY,

Someone who is well aware of the existence of internalised homophobia

[backyardflames]

Thinky thoughts about Carter and Hollyoaks conversion therapy story

The ‘not quite’ parallels of Lucas and Carter’s stories regarding the conversion therapy storyline interest me the most. 

Carter is around 40; we know he’s been battling things since his early teens. He grew up in a religious family with a religious father. He was active in his church back then (as he is now). He tells JP that when he realised he had feelings for the boy in his year, he remembered that the bible says it’s wrong to lay with another man, so he tried to get answers by praying. When he got none, he told his dad. He had no one else he could talk to about his feelings except his homophobic father, who told him he wasn’t in love and that the devil was working on him and made him feel ashamed every day. He went through conversion therapy at a young age because he had no support and has been stuck in that traumatised state ever since.

Lucas is the other side of the coin. His father is gay, and he has grown up surrounded by members of the queer community. He has the support of parents, friends, and family. He is growing up in a time when it’s much safer to be gay than in the period in which Carter grew up. Carter’s shame was forced upon him from all angles, but Lucas’s is so far unexplored and internalised, so I’m interested in seeing its root.

I hope that as they explore this story with Lucas, they don’t lose sight of the fact that Carter was mentally abused to the point where he’s repressed himself for 25+ years. It’s impacted his relationship with his daughter, destroying any chance at happiness and a sense of comfort or safety. That kind of abuse doesn’t suddenly turn itself off at the flick of a switch. He can’t simply decide to be out, happy, and accepting of himself because his brain has been trained to work differently for decades.

That’s why he does the conversion therapy - he was told he was being saved by someone he loved and trusted and now he truly believes he’s helping/saving people as he has been ‘saved’. Although JP has obviously cracked that shell and caused him to doubt everything. 

Interested to hear anyone elses thoughts on this, assuming anyone else is watching? The tag on here is dead. I'm used to a much busier EE tag :(

[notabled-noodle]

when I was in year 11, I wrote a story for English about internalised homophobia. because I was 16 years old, it was heavily based on my own experiences.

during the editing process, my (cishet) teacher said something along the lines of “queer people don’t want to stop being queer though, they want the world to stop being queerphobic”

and. yes. kind of. definitely. but it’s a lot more complicated than that for me. when I was 16, if I’d had a choice between getting rid of homophobia and making myself straight, I would’ve made myself straight. internalised homophobia can be like that! it can make you think that who you are is disgusting! it can make you think that you need to change! it can make you feel as though homophobia is the correct response to your existence

anyway! I just think that cishet people underestimate how much queer people can be taught to hate themselves. thanks for coming to my TED talk etc etc