#proven to me over and over again how truly impossible it is for. ppl to even tolerate me for extended periods of time

[olli-online]

.

[nervousndepressd]

i feel like garbage, idk y i worry abt what other ppl think so much

i feel like u rlly convinced me for so long that i was a horrible person, that everything i did waa malicious

i was a mentally ill child, i was hurt and broken and i didnt understand how to love. u fucked up my brain in a way i still dont understand.

i get over things and i get over u but then i see u again and u kiss me and touch me, u treat me like im always yours yet i dont think i want to be.

i want to feel heard and i want to be safe from u. its so easy to go back and feel like nothings changed but so much has.

i crave ur validation, i dont get it

i feel like u have told ppl that i was horrible and abusive, i feel like u validate urself and escape from what u did to me by telling others a half truth, that they accept bcs u hide behind a vail of who u truly are

ppl see u as this innocent person but they dont know how u gaslit me for years, u diminished my emotions and called me weird for asking for normal things a partner may want.

u still treat me like one day ull marry me, but u act in disgust when i ask for a little bit more of u.

im so tired of it, i want to hurt myself, i want to die

why do u have this control over me, after what u did i should have plastered ur name over the internet and called u out for who u are

i feel like i cant escape it, my one home away from my toxic household is filled w ppl u know, w ppl who u have lied to abt me.

u have always failed to see the ways in which u hurt me

i feel so hopeless i feel like giving up that even if i go to therapy for years my memory will be stained with what u did to me, how i was treated for years and just took it

no matter how hard i tried it wasnt ever enough, so i got tired of trying, even after u assaulted me and i didnt know for months i still tried to stay by u

i didnt have feelings for anyone else i was trying to get out, im still trying to get out

i want to be free from needing u, i want to feel safe and comfortable within my skin

i dont feel like i can ever heal, as much as i continue i still feel scarred and broken

the worse part is is that that feeling is what keeps me going back to u, that because of what u did no one else will ever love me, u constantly told me, u would yell it at me, that no one would be batter than u that no one could love me like u did. but that wasnt love yet i still believe it, that i am not worthy of someone else loving me and i feel like it just gets proven over and over

im annoying and a burden and pushy and weird

that all im good for is being used by men and i should just accept that, i shouldnt rlly try for anything, like fuck i dont even have any real goals

im stuck exactly where i was, i cant get out and id just rather it be over

i wanna do drugs and get drunk and just live up to all the low expectations everyone set for me, even u

u never made me feel like i could amount to anything other than being your little housewife, one that u get to use and belittle and hurt

i wish u wouldnt fucking lie abt it tho, i wish ud just accept what u did, maybe then id actually get through it but that isnt who u are

u want to paint urself in a positive light, u couldnt even accept the small thing u did to me, why would u admit to raping me?

after all u did i still find it so hard to let go of this good guy vision i have of u, that its in the past

everytime i went back to u though it got worse, the things u did the things u said, it feels impossible to break this cycle

that im either going to let this happen till something so horrible happens that vision of u breaks forever in my mind or we stay stuck, for the rest of our lives i stay stuck to u and i do what u say and i follow in your footsteps

but i fear so deeply that itll just devolve, so much that u yelling and u hurting me is just normal

i wanna scream, i wanna cut and i wanna die

im so tired