#idk what im doing that makes me so unbearable i feel like throwing up

[olli-online]

.

[calholic]

idk if you'd be ok w this but tom kaulitz x female reader highschool au?

T. KAULITZ x READER

★ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: you go to high school with the tom kaulitz

★ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: mentions of alcohol, swearing, cigarettes, extreme bullying

★ 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: someone had a similar req to this where reader gets bullied so i tried adding some of that into here ❤️ also i feel like i add angst to all my stories 😭 ik i’m making tom sound like a bad guy in these stories which can make people feel that way about him irl (ahem my living nightmare) but plz guys im just doing it for the angst i swear im not a tom anti haha

you’ve know tom and bill since forever, i mean the three of you have been together since elementary school. they were both really different now with tom being a massive player and bill being, well, bill. you guys were now in high school and you would like to say it got easier but it didn’t. you were constantly harassed by tom’s fangirls which was unbearable. obviously you’ve talked to tom about it but he ended up being honored that his fans were so loyal. “stay away from tom, pick me,” you hear a girl say as you walked down the hall. these girls would never say anything to your face, only spew hate from behind your back.

you ignored them all of course but it was still annoying. “your fangirls are at it again,” you said to tom as you sat down in your first hour class. “i’m flattered,” he said half-heartedly, looking down on his phone, texting. tom had been texting a lot lately and you were curious. “who’re you texting? you been at it all week,” you asked. “some girl i met last week while shopping with bill,” he said. “oh,” you replied, looking down at your desk. you’ve had a crush on tom since middle school and hearing about his new love interests really hurt. “i think she might be the one, i’m meeting with her tonight,” he said smiling, totally ignoring your sudden change of emotion.

you were silent for the rest of class and left early, leaving without waiting for tom like you usually did. you went to go confide with bill later at lunch. “ugh it’s just so annoying hearing him talk about other girls,” you said sighing. “why don’t you just confess then?” bill asked. “you don’t get, it’s way more complicated than that. i mean, he doesn’t even like me!” you said. “you never know~,” bill said. “why? did he said something about me?” you asked. “calm down, he didn’t say anything,” bill said, letting your hopes down. “ugh whatever, i’m going to class now,” you said before leaving.

you packed your bags as the dismissal bell rang, you would walk home with bill and tom since you guys lived nearby. you were still a little mad at tom but you wanted to wait for bill. you felt a water bottle lightly tap on your head and you turned around to see tom. “why’re you mad at me? is it because i talked about another girl?” he asked, smirking. “what did bill tell you?” you asked, annoyed that bill would tell tom. “what?” he asked confused. you might’ve just accidentally almost revealed your crush on tom so you quickly came up with a lame excuse. “what? no? of course not, bill told me you stole my bag of chips,” you said defensively.

“oh, yeah i forgot about that,” he said laughing. “hey guys, ready to go?” bill asked as he walked up to the two of you. “yeah, let’s go,” you said. the walk was pretty silent now as you thought of what tom would be doing with that girl tonight. it wasn’t fair that he was having all the fun meeting people and hooking up almost every night. you wanted to experience that fun too so when you got home you called your friend audrey, and asked if she knew anyone throwing a party. “oh yeah! i heard adrian’s hosting one at his dad’s house and i heard that it’s massive too,” she said. “cool! when is it?” you asked. “friday, wanna come over to get ready together?” she asked. “of course!” you replied.

it was late now and you were getting ready for bed before you heard a knock at your window, it was tom. “what do you want?” you asked. “can i come in?” he yelled from below. “whatever,” you said, walking back into your room. he quickly slipped in and laid on your bed. “she ditched me, i can’t believe her! how could you ditch such a hottie like me??” he said. “who wouldn’t?” you asked with a laugh. “what’s your problem?” tom looked at you with a serious expression now. “well let’s see, first your sho up to my house unannounced at 10pm, then you talk about your failed hookup, do i need to say more?” you asked. “you’ve been acting like a bitch lately,” he said. “i’m leaving,”

and with that tom left as quick as he came. you felt a little bad but you knew it needed to be addressed. the next day at school was rough, tom avoided you and the girls were even more relentless now as well. “what did you do to tom?” asked jessica, one of tom’s biggest fan girls. you couldn’t give her the time of day so you walked off.

“i’m not done talking!” she screamed. “i don’t care,” you replied. you weren’t having it and just wanted to go home, you were tired of everything and couldn’t take your mind off tom. you kept walking to your next class until school ended finally. you didn’t even wait for tom or bill and just went home by yourself, you even ran a little to avoid them. bill called you later and asked why you and tom weren’t talking. “some stuff happened last night and i’m honestly so tired of him now,” you explained. “come on now, you guys are like two peas in a pod!” he said. “not anymore,” you replied. you scrolled around and myspace and saw that tom had posted something. it was him at a party, probably from last night after he left your house. he was surrounded by girls which made you even more frustrated.

the party was one day away now and you were deciding your outfit, you were going to go all out. perhaps something slutty? you didn’t know yet, but you did know that you were going to get drunk and hook up. you met up with audrey to discuss friday before school started. “maybe a halter top?” she suggested. “ooh a miniskirt!” you added in. “i think i’ll wear my sequined tank top with a skirt,” she said. “i don’t know what i’m wearing yet,” you said putting your head down. “it’s okay, if you can’t find anything you can wear some of my clothes,” she said. “okay,” you said.

you walked into first hour, dreading it. you didn’t want to see tom, like at all. when you ed in, his desk was surrounded by girls as usual. one them gave you a dirty look as you walked up to your desk. you overheard what they were talking about and tom was telling them about what you said. that bitch, you couldn’t believe he was telling people, and his fangirls at that, your guys’ personal business. you knew you wouldn’t be able to live it down from them so you just put your headphones in and head down. your jaded your head when classed started and you swore you’d as tom smirking at you as the girls started dissipating.

when school ended you began walking before you felt someone grab your shoulder, it was tom and you wondered what he wanted. “we need to talk,” he said. “about what? how you’re telling your stupid fangirls about our business? they’re never going to leave me be now that they know that! but you don’t care do you? because you’re so selfish and only care about which girl you’re going to fuck next right?” you said. you left tom speechless and left before you gave him time to speak. you can’t believe you just let all your anger out on him like that. you tried not to feel bad because he deserved it but you still couldn’t help it. you quickly walked home after that’s hoping to avoid bill as well.

you wanted to drown now and never see anyone again. you took a nap and woke up to missed calls from bill, which you answered. “hello?” you asked. “______ i don’t know what going on with you and tom but it needs to end. you guys are best friends and can’t be on bad terms like this! i care about you two,” he said. “i love you bill but nothing is going to change my mind. anyways, see you at adrian’s?” you asked. “yeah whatever, bye,” he said. you put the phone down and got in the shower. it was late now but you decided to do homework before going to bed. you woke up the next, refreshed and ready, you felt very confident and ready for tonight. you met up with audrey to discuss plans and then went to first hour.

tom was already there and he waved at you, signaling he wanted to talk but you turned around immediately and went to go talk to someone else. school felt like forever but eventually it ended and you met up with audrey to go to her house. “okay, i’ll shower first and the i’ll start on makeup okay?” audrey confirmed. “sure,” you said as you sat down on her bed. soon enough she finished her shower and you got in.

the two of you finished your makeup and it was time to choose outfits. audrey ended up with a halter top and a low rise skirt while you wore a tupe top with the shortest skirt ever. you guys did hair as well and then left. adrian’s house was indeed hug and there were already people there. most were kids from school but others were from different ones too. you immediately saw tom on a couch, sitting next to a girl. you hate to say it but you were jealous, jealous that that girl wasn’t you. you brushed those thoughts away though and headed straight to the drinks you took shot after shot and drink and drink.

after a few minutes you were drunk and decided to mess around. you saw a cute boy and decided to approach him. “hey,” you said, slurring your words a little. he seemed to be i by you to by the look in his eye. “hey beautiful,” he replied. you noticed tom looking and a smile gee on your face. you took the boy into a random room and started making out with him. all of a sudden the lights turned off though and the boy got up. suddenly a bunch of girls appeared basically out of no where and started recording you half naked with their flashlights on.

they were yelling things like slut and whore. you soon recognized them to be tom’s little fangirls and you were so embarrassed. holding back tears, you got up and put your clothes back on but not before one of the girls approached you and started laughing in your face, calling you names. “you really think tom likes you? this is all your fault for breaking his heart,” she said. your tears were flowing now and you couldn’t control them, you tried to get up but one of the girls held you down. you thought it was over as the girls all started laughing and circling you until you heard a familiar voice, yet again it was tom. “what are you guys doing?” he yelled.

he shoved the girls aside and helped you up. you were no even more pissed at him since you knew this was his doing, all the fangirls, all the drama and all the gossip. you pulled your arm away from him and out your clothes on. “why are you mad at me? i get that we fought once but we usually get over it,” he asked. “are you fucking kidding me?” you asked frantically crying now and breathing heavy. “are you asking me this now? i’m mad because this is all your fault, i’m mad because the only reason this happened is because you decided to tell your fan girls our drama and i’m mad because i like you so much that i hate when you’re around other girls!” you shouted. tom was silent, only letting out a small “what?” your face was red from embarrassment and you ran out the door, straight to the exit.

you ran all the way home, as it started raining, your tears blending in. when you got home you went straight to your room, ignoring your mothers worried calls for your name. you took off your wet clothes and laid on your bed. you got a call from tom but ignored it along with calls from your other friends, you knew they all had the same question, “are you okay?” you were tired but lit a cigarette outside, looking at the moon before you dozed off to bed. the weekend passed and you stayed home during all of it. you didn’t want to go out and embarrass yourself more.

the video had now surfaced and everyone and their mothers have seen it. you were a joke now and it was all because of tom. “wake up ______ it’s time for school,” your mom said. “mom, i can’t go, you’ve seen the video right? i’m a joke,” you cried. “you’re only a joke if you let them make you out to be one. if you let them steak you down like this then you’ll never recover,” she said and she was right. even thought you didn’t want to, you got up for school. you walked into school and everyone looked at you, whispering things. you wanted to die.

tom was in first hour, sitting by himself surprisingly. you were halfway into the door before you guys made eye contact. he got up to approach but you instinctively ran away from him to go hug in the bathroom. you skipped all of first hour and hid away in a stall. you went to the rest of your classes as normal but not without being humiliated. you only went back to the bathrooms for lunch, hoping to avoid people. when school ended you were relieved. you ran out the gates and straight home. you didn’t talk to anyone all day and you avoided everyone too. you decided to do homework since you threw your phone away, hoping to avoid everything.

you were studying for hours until you heard talking ay your window. you looked down to see tom but you ignored him. the last thing you’ve antes was to see him.

he wouldn’t budge though and kept knocking. you finally opened it to tell him to go away but he had let himself in already. “______ i-,” he started but you cut him off. “look i know what you’re going to say, but just please forget what happened on friday, okay?” you pleaded. “no, i can’t. i want to say that… i really like you too ______,” you were shocked, not knowing what to do. “i didn’t know how to tell you though, so i coped by sleeping around with girls,” he confessed. “im sorry for what those girls did to you, and i’m sorry for telling them our business,” he apologized but you didn’t know whether to forgive him or not. “why?” you asked. “why what?” he said. “why did you tel them?”

“i dunno, i was jealous i guess,” he said. “oh what?” you asked. “of how good you were doing without me,” he admitted. you laughed at the irony since you weren’t actually doing as great as he thought. “are you serious?” you asked, he was silent. “i’ve been crying myself to bed all night!” you said. “i’m sorry,” tom said as he looked down. “me too i guess. i didn’t mean to say this things that night. i was pissed you were off with another girl,” you admitted. “so you weren’t mad over the chips?” he asked. “no,”

“were you serious about what you said friday night, that you like me?” he asked. “yeah…” you looked away, embarrassed. “your face is red,” he stated. “whatever,” you rolled your eyes and fell back onto your bed with tom following. you two faced each other, staring into each one’s longing eyes. “i love you,” tom whispered before leaning in for a kiss.

[the-fat-raccoon]

i would be a curious anon cept for the fact that u dont have anons turned on so instead have these questionnaires:

- what's your go to song for feeling happy?

- least favorite subject in school / why?

- if you had the time right now, what food would you cook?

siggh. I will once again say I'm gonna remember to turn on anon this time, and then proceed to immediately forget, and we shall repeat this process until the end of time.

-Weight of The World by Shayfer James. Is it a happy song? no but those instrumentals get me giddy sooo

-Mat, not because it's the go-to to hate but because I genuinely have an issue and struggle so much with math. And people go "ohh it's not that hard you just think it is cuz you've been told that or you haven't learned it THIS way!" buddy I assure you whatever wizard-trick you're about to pull out of your sleeve I have seen before and can not replicate nor understand even if you tell me the process bit by bit.

Reading this back, I think there is a very light chance I have some. Math related learning disorder. That has not occurred to me as a possibility until just now.

-My original answer to this was gonna be biscuits n gravy cuz I want some rn but thats more baking than cooking so. French onion soup because it's been so long since I've had it and if I had the time I'd make it, but like it needs to be made the right way and that takes so much time. And you can't order it at a diner even if it's on their menu because you never know if they make it right and Incorrect French Onion Soup is unbearable. Usually it's the onions people mess up because they don't cook them long enough I'm sorry but whoever told people onions caramelize in 2 hours is lying that is a 6-8 hour cooking process at the least. Onions take so long and if you don't do it long enough or you fuck it up the it's the BAD TEXTURE at which point just throw the whole soup away brother you've made it inedible. And then the beef stock is a whole other thing cuz like yeah you can use cubes but. Idk I'm like if Im gonna spend that long on the onions I might as well make home made beef stock because otherwise this feels half assed. So that's a whole OTHER process that takes even longer and. Yeah. So much time to make French onion soup but it's so good when it's right. And i can't eat it when it's not 😭

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Idk if i ever really talked about rudolf: affaire mayerling after i finished watching it, but ive been thinkinh about it again so I guess Im doing that now

Honestly I didnt like it very much, I feel like the worst parts of any frank wildhorn musical are whenever theres a a really slow boring lovesong and in those took up like half the score here, which is a shame because I do remember liking a lot of the non-lovesong songs, although I cant really remember a lot of them. Like, pretty mich the only songs from this musical that I can remember are Du bleibst bei mir, Fäden in der Hand and Mein süßer Held because surprise surprise, the sick freak whose favorite musical is the one where they romanticise suicide likes the song from a different musical where they compare suicide to sex

But anyway, thats not the reason I was thinking about this musical again, the reason I was thinkkng about it again was that other than me not liking the songs, I also found it hard to enjoy because I could not for the life of me tell the characters apart, and for the longest time I couldnt figure out why because i usually dont struggle with face blindness at all, but I think i figured it out

Its because I didnt wanna look at the screen whenever rudolf was onstage because he just made me cringe that much. Did anyone else experience something like that? Like, i dont think its just because the actor didnt have charisma or chemistry the other actors because I feel like it was so severe that Im like "theres no way someone can naturally be that rizzless and cringe, they had to have intended for him to come across like that and done something to make him as pitiful as possible" but the thing that throws me off is the fact that i cant figure out what exactly makes him so cringeworthy to me, like Im pretty sure he just acted like a normal guy, i dont remember him actually doing anything that would make me hate looking at him, he was just so naturally unbearable idk what it is

[magicalgirlmafu]

-

[phoneybeatlemania]

can you explain that post about jann wenner? i know he was the founder of rolling stone (?) magazine but idk much else

(Post anon is referring to!)

Okay so before I jump into this, I just want to make two disclaimers:

Firstly, that Im not an expert on Jann Wenner or Rolling Stone Magazine. I read the first 50-or-so pages of Sticky Fingers by Joe Hagan (and I enjoyed it btw, I just haven’t finished it yet because it wasn’t really clicking for me at the time!), but beyond that, this isn’t really my area of expertise. So I might be missing a few things here and there, which any of you are welcome to add if I have missed them and you feel they’re important!

Secondly, Im also not trying to take sides here. Im just trying to put the reasons why Paul has historically disliked Wenner into a post—and you can call him petty for them or you can say ‘fair enough’. That’s up to you. 

So why has Paul disliked Wenner in the past, and why are people surprised about him referring to Jann as a “friend”? 

Essentially, from what I know of The Situation here, Paul has historically disliked Rolling Stone Magazine and Jann Wenner because of a few things. 

Firstly, a lot of the magazines critics gave his solo/Wings works poor reviews. I won’t get too much into music-criticism side of things, because you can find reviews of his albums archived on the rolling stone website easily enough, and I don’t think it requires much explanation to see why Paul would resent the magazine and certain critics for that. I will however just throw in this tid-bit from Jon Landaus review of RAM in 1971 as an example: 

The album’s genre music—blues and old rock—is unbearably inept. On “Three Legs” they do strange and pointless things to the sound of the voice to liven it up; it doesn’t work. “Smile Away” is sung with that exaggerated voice he used for the rock & roll medley in Let It Be: it is unpleasant. The “When I’m Sixty-Four” school of light English baubles is represented by “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” a piece with so many changes it never seems to come down anywhere, and in the places that it does, sounds like the worst piece of light music Paul has ever done. And “Monkberry Moon Delight” is the bore to end all bores: Paul repeats a riff for five and a half minutes to no apparent purpose.

(I know I said I would try not to take sides here, but come on, Monkberry Moon Delight is a banger through and through!)

But then there’s Lennon, Remembers and the role Jann Wenner had in the aftermath of the Beatles breakup, and as well the construction of a certain historiographical narrative which Erin Torkelson-Webber cites as ‘The Gospel According To John’. 

Lennon Remembers was an interview conducted in December 1970 between Jann Wenner, John Lennon and Yoko Ono, where John remarked a lot of not-so-nice things about people he’d known, including Paul McCartney. 

The interview was published in the magazine in 1971, and John was allowed to edit it. But then Wenner wanted to publish it in full in book-form, which John objected to. Regardless though, Wenner made a $40,000 book deal and published it anyway. 

John never spoke to him again after that.  

Joe Hagan mentioned his interview with Paul on this podcast interview (which id highly recommend recommend listening to in full, it’s interesting!), and said:

I was asking [Paul] questions that nobody had ever bothered to ask him: What’s your opinion on Rolling Stone and the coverage you and your relationship to its publisher?

[…] [Rolling Stone] were partisans for John Lennon, and that John and Yoko used Rolling Stone to telegraph their independence from the Beatles. Well it turns out that Paul had an opinion about that. And he felt strongly about Rolling Stone as a result, or he had kind of ambivalent feelings—and sometimes not ambivalent—about Jann Wenner. 

[…] And then over the long term, of five decades of Rolling Stone, the invention of the Rock N’ Roll Hall Of Fame […] He’s observing, Paul McCartney is, that his legacy as a member of the Beatles is being downplayed to John Lennon, making McCartney the second banana. In which he’s like ‘no, the songs are Lennon/McCartney. We co-wrote these songs.’. So he resents that and now he’s at the stage in his life where he’s really wanting to make clear what he believes his legacy is and should be and what he thinks of Jann Wenner and Rolling Stone; where they play into that. Negatively, in his mind. 

[…] I mean you’re talking about a view of the Beatles history and legacy through a different lens. You know, the lens of a magazine that mediated a lot of their mythology, Rolling Stone. Jann Wenner had a lot of power and at the outset was a John Lennon devotee. And he took John Lennon’s side, really. 

He also goes on to talk about the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame incident, where he says: 

When he was telling the story of how Jann had, in his mind, screwed him over on the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame induction, he was unvarnished. He was like ‘Jann promised me id be inducted, after I did him a solid, did him a favour—and I pick up the paper the next year and Im not inducted. And he says a bunch of choice words, you know? And I thought, well he wouldn’t just be saying that if he didn’t mean it.’

And in Hagans book, he also writes in more depth about the Rock N’ Roll Hall of fame fiasco: 

It wasn’t just the underrated groups who disliked the opaque internal dynamics of the Hall of Fame. Even Paul McCartney felt Jann Wenner was back to his old tricks. McCartney didn't attend the Beatles' induction in 1988. But in the early 1990s, Wenner tried befriending him in the Hamptons, inviting Paul and Linda over to look at his new Picasso. Shortly after, McCartney got a call from Wenner. “He asked me, would I induct John into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” McCartney recounted. "I said, Yeah, sure.' I put the phone down, and thought, ‘What about me?’. The thing about John Lennon-McCartney is we were all equal.”

When McCartney asked if he could be inducted too, Wenner said it wasn't up to him; there was a nominating committee, which now included onetime Elektra A&R man Danny Fields. “And it was like, ‘Oh, no, we can't do that, we can't do that,” said McCartney. “In all my dealings with him, it's never up to Jann. It's up to these ‘other people’ who are down the corridor somewhere. His thing just happens to have ‘Owner, Editor’ on the door, but they're responsible for things.”

Indeed, the offices of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame resided inside Wenner Media, which charged the foundation $80,000 a year for rent. According to Paul McCartney, Wenner told him that if he agreed to induct Lennon, the Hall of Fame would induct McCartney the following year. And so McCartney inducted John Lennon in 1994, reading an open letter to him that recounted the highlights of their lives together. […] The next year, McCartney discovered that he was not in fact being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. “I rang Jann and said, I’m getting all the papers; I don't appear to be in it. You fucking bastard,” said McCartney, “We had a deal. A verbal contract that was not worth the paper it was written on. So that didn't endear me to him.” (Wenner said he didn't remember making such a deal.)

Far from receding into the past, the history of rock and roll was a living drama, beholden to the same old Rolling Stone agenda, which was Jann Wenner’s agenda. “It all added to this historical thing, that John was really it in the Beatles, and the other three weren't it, by implication:  said McCartney. “To me, me and John writing, it was so equal. And sometimes it was not equal. Sometimes I was absolutely the one that got his ass out of bed. Which I don't go round saying. You won’t find me saying, ‘Oh, it was me!’ You'll find other people saying, ‘It was him! It was me!’ I don't want to do that. I'm happy with half credit.” (pg. 447-48)

As I mentioned before, Im still yet to read Hagan’s biography in-full—I do however own a copy of it, and on the blurb there’s a quote from Paul where he says:

Jann is very good friends with Bono. But you can see it. I think it's a little bit obvious. When I saw that, I thought, “They're gonna get a great review. Whether it's great or not.”

Im not sure when or where this quote came from, but Im fairly certain it came from an interview conducted between Hagan and McCartney—so from that I have to assume its a fairly recent thing Paul has said, given that the book was only published in 2017. And you can tell from these interviews with Hagan that, at least a few years ago, Paul still seemed to hold some type of resentment towards Wenner and his magazine. Hence why people are surprised about him describing Wenner as a “friend” in his recent instagram post. 

In that same interview with Hagan I transcribed earlier, he also mentions Pauls agenda in saying these things: 

When you’re interviewing people about this subject in particular, its not like you come to them and they’re just innocently waiting for the question. He has an agenda, Paul McCartney. He’s thinking, ‘you know? Im finally gonna lay this one down. You know, Im gonna tell him what I think.’ And I knew this was the case because towards the interview he looks at me and he’s like: “this isn’t gonna be a whitewash, is it?” And I said “No.”. And he said, “Good.”

And I do feel it’s important to recognise that the things Paul said about Wenner to Hagan (just a few years ago) weren’t done so in a vacuum. It’s no secret that Paul is a good PR man, and generally speaking, he doesn’t give off the impression that he’s someone speaks before thinking. So for him to speak negatively about Wenner kind of tells us that, as Hagan points out, there is an agenda against him.

[wishful-soda]

Okay as you saw in my previous ask I absolutely ADORED this chapter and was screaming crying throwing up the entire time reading it so thats established but I am back for my full entire review of the chapter in detail because I NEEEEEEED to point out my fave details ok thanks (AS ALWAYS SPOILERS HERE)

“And I only cannot stand him when Max is around, that dynamic seems to make him think he needs to be completely unbearable.” I HADNT THOUGHT ABOUT THIS and I wonder if its more significant than just playing a part or not… hmmmm

“If you had told him a single detail about your life, maybe this could have been avoided.” Charles didnt HOLD BACK yes icon

“BUT NOT CHOP HIS DICK OFF.  INTERESTING.” Max you are so close to getting it my dude please use your analytical skills I BEG

Actually max this entire night is what I just said. Dude, use sequential thinking and GET THERE BRO

YES AN APOLOGY KIND OF HAS BEEN ON HER MIND ALL ALONG MAX YOU GET IT. The fact he hits on her exact dilemma without knowing like she has wanted an apology for everything that she thinks he has done all along and now she is getting it… what is holding her back from being in love….

Drunkenly droning on about Daniel’s nose….. veryyyyyy relatable

GIRLIE WISHING YOUR PARENT COULD HAVE MET SOMEONE IS NOT A VERY PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP THOUGHT (also this was so emo and beautiful and I just want to say it felt so authentic)

Okay I need to take a second to sing your praises for the scene after Daniel walks in and max realises she called him…. This whole scene was written to perfectly make us as readers feel the increasing tension pressure and panic esp on the part of Charles and Daniel as they realise she doesnt really have a filter… as they get more panicked the more I was SCREAMING it was so perfect!!!!

Ok so the “I think im falling in love with him its so bad” was in one of the WIP games and I didnt think it could affect me more than it did then but in context I LOST MY SHIT

'You smiled at him like he was the only person in the room” FUCKKK shes so loud I cry; also max use your FREAKING brain I cant even with this man

“Did you ever stop to think that there must be a reason she called me instead of you?” OOOOOOF settle down Daniel, also yes he did think about it hes literally faking mate and you know this hes just the most jealous chaos monster as I like to say and I LOVE IT

“Because she. Fucking. Asked. Me. To.” His every action is centered on her I really cant take it UGHGHHGHHG

The way Charles and Daniel try so hard to prevent her from admitting something and snap out of their fight was somehow hot idk I was drooling tho. Panicking and drooling at the same time

“You had called Daniel because whatever you had wanted to ask him, you couldn’t do it without liquid courage. You weren’t lying, that was why you called him” Sure max…. Thats the only reason

“She told me she’s falling in love with Charles.” BUT DID SHE THO MAX??/? THINK REALLY HARD ABOUT THAT DID SHE SAY THAT???? Poor Daniel and also this justifies his jealousy in his brain and its only gonna get worseeeeeee I hope this gets cleared up soon bc I literally screamed NOOOO ITS SO BAD out loud when I read this part for the first time

At least max is starting to get curious and want to figure out what is happening bc I cant with him

The fact Daniel still went to take care of her after all that and was determined to be there for her its just so dreamy.  Also I know you are considering the bonus chapter with more info but I also want to know the process and convo of Daniel going to her place and how exactly it went down with her and Charles there?????? And yes her trying to seduce him would be COMICAL I would love to read it

“It was very considerate” and him smiling sent me to the MOON and I dont know why but it KILLED ME

HE WAS JUST SITTING WAITING FOR HER TO CALL???? again I say…. All his actions centre around her its too much 

HIM APOLOGISING ON HIS KNEES I DIED his fear of going back to enemies is so potent and it makes my heart clench

“Listen, I’m fucking proud of you.” And this whole speech… dont we all just need a Daniel Ricciardo to tell us hes proud of us????

FINALLY THE THIGH RIDINGGGGGGGG it lived up to the hype so well mate I loved it THANK YOU

I HAVE SAID IT ONCE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN. He pays attention to her and remembers every thing she has ever said to him over years and im supposed to believe he hated her? Nah he never did and its so powerful I cant

(Theres my girl….. peace out)

“This isnt what you want to hear” BROKE ME he is so insecure and worried about maintaining their friendship I CRY

THEYRE FRIENDS but WHAT IS SHE GOING TO SAY>???? Im DYINGGGG

ANYWAYS as you can see by the EXCESSIVE amount of notes here I clearly ADORED this chapter and am DYING to read more thank you so much for another masterpiece <3 <3 <3 

IM SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I JUST HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT THIS CHAP

Hi my love!! Sorry about the delay in responding, work got busy and I slacked on responding to my asks, please forgive me 😭

I mean, we can't deny that Daniel becomes totally unbearable and obnoxious while Charles is around. I feel like he has this undeniable urge to let people know who reader is REALLY with and Charles and Reader are like wtf is wrong with you, we WANT people to think Charles and I are together.

Listen Charles is getting FED UP with their nonsense. He's like don't cry to me girly pop

I feel like Max knows on a subconscious level, but he can't like actually know and put it together because he's like no that's not possible because she's dating Charles so he's like dismissing his suspicions.

Honestly even Max is fed up at this point 😂 he may not get the whole picture but he knows enough to know they both want to be AT LEAST friends but they can't stop being idiots.

My husband has made fun of me lots for my love of Daniel's nose and I refuse to back down from my stance that it is perfect and beautiful NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS

Omg thank you, I'm so glad it felt authentic because that was like the part of the chapter that made me the most emotional when writing it. Like I feel like it wasn't super deep like "I want my mom to meet him so she could know my future husband and father of my children" it was just as simple as "She would have liked him."

THANK YOU!! That scene took the longest to write honestly because I wanted them to fight and Max to be like omg stop and also omg what's happening, but I didn't necessarily want everything revealed to Max right now so I felt like I was really toeing the line between saying too much and saying enough to have grounds to fight 😂 SO THANK YOU BBY

It hits different in context doesn't it 😭

Let's cut Max some slack here, the boy is so confused, he's being told and shown one thing and then there's something entirely different on the DL and he's like ??? Also this may sound heartbreaking, but I think Max truly believes she would never lie to him about something like this and if she was with Daniel, she'd just tell him.

WE LOVE JEALOUS CHAOS MONSTER DANIEL.

Right? 😭 He couldn't NOT show up because he'd look bad or something, nonono it was all about if she needed him, he was going to be there goddamnit.

Okay idk how it's hot either, I don't really understand what happened there, but you're so right, it's 🥵

okay right, Max is making things SO MUCH WORSE and the oblivious doofus has no hint of an idea of the repercussions of his actions. Dude just thinks he's helping Daniel come to grips and move on and thinks he's helping protect reader from Daniel interfering with her relationship.

Max is finally fed up with being left out ok and he's about to figure some shit out

Right, like the importance of taking care of her and making sure she was ok trumped everything else and he was not about to just be like 'fine charles take over'. No way, she wanted him to take care of her and that's WHAT HE WAS GOING TO FUCKIN DO GODDAMNIT

and yes, I'm like 99% sure that the bonus chapter is going to happen because I agree, we need to see her making a fool of herself and Daniel being patient and Charles being like jesus fucking christ

ok right, she was drunk and boy is still thinking about her being considerate towards him. He thinks she just told Max she's falling in love with someone else and he STILL can't help but be mesmerized by her I stg

PICTURE HIM SITTING ON HIS COUCH JUST SICK OVER WHAT HE SAID AND SICK OVER THE FACT THAT SHE WON'T LET HIM APOLOGIZE

ok the 'proud of you' speech may or may not have stemmed from my own issues so I am sorry that was so self-indulgent 😅

I needed the perfect moment for the thigh riding ok, y'all have been begging for it but I'm like ITS NOT TIME YET TRUST ME 😂

Nope, never really hated her. And she's also realizing this, he never really hated her so cue the guilt over the fact that she DID really hate him

praise kink in full swing and I cannot apologize and it will definitely happen again in the future.

THEY'RE FINALLY GETTING TO WHERE HE WANTS TO BE AND HE KNOWS HOW DEEPLY SHE HATED HIM SO HE'S LIKE OMG ANYTHING I DO COULD PUT US BACK THERE and goes full panic or jealous chaos monster/ or defensive/ or idiotic

NEVER apologize for your notes, no matter how long because I honestly LIVE for them (even if it takes me a long time to respond I'm so sorry omg). They honestly make me so happy and I love hearing your thoughts and emotions throughout. I seriously look forward to it so much that it's what motivates me to finish my chapters like 89% of the time.

THANK YOU FOR BEING A RIDE OR DIE AND ALWAYS BEING HERE TO READ MY SHIT WITH SO MUCH ENTHUSIAM. I would say more but it makes me emotional so I'll just yell about how much I love you

ILYSM !!!!!! 🥰😭💖😘😘😘

[ghostlydragonwings]

i feel so shitty. I want to buy a binder and a packer so badly. just to wear around my room bc im a coward. but im so terrified bc I cant find any that say discreet packaging and if my parents saw idk what could happen. i cant risk losing the only support system I have and i dont want them to hate me either way. But then theres also the issue of them finding them. i would have to launder a binder and no matter how many times i beg my mom not to mess with my laundry she often does. even if i try to be really good and get it right away she has decided to hang them up or fold them and then acts like im the biggest bitch in the world for crying about it when ive told her so many times that it makes me so uncomfortable to have people mess with my stuff and ive tried to explain why it hurts me and she doesnt fucking listen. i realize that she sees it as me being a bitch when she’s trying to do something nice for me and I feel really bad. but ive been mentally ill my whole life. i dont understand why she cant except that i have issues that dont make sense to her. As a fucking kid I found the seams in socks unbearable and would throw a fit about wearing socks that had seams and she had to find special ones. And thats just one little thing I did. I’ve never functioned like other people. why cant she just accept that im hurt by things that make no sense to other people??

anyway, thats a little off topic from my dysphoria rant. but the point is that im really afraid to buy those things but i think i really need to. ive wanted to for years. i know ill never be happy. ill never transition. Im terrified of medical professionals for one and medical intervention makes me feel sick. which is why for so long ive felt like i have to be faking it. But I feel ill at the thought of even having my wrist fixed and being altered in that way. I just cant. so my aversion seems in character. i still like feminine things to...and ive never told anyone even if i dont think they would hate me. i just think they would think i was faking it bc i like dresses. i cant deal with being made fun of for this. Trust me. i worry that im making it up i dont need someone calling me a transtrender. but if it was for a trend i dont think it would be such a secret. im just really hurting.  ive been trying to push this away for so long. i hate it. i have enough issues. Why do I have to feel this way too??

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

okay i’m going to go off about celebs again…. but like…. does anyone remember the gross asf vitriol that went around in 2011-2013 about justin bieber where the joke was “more like justINE bieber am i right??? 😂😂😅😅” from the “haters” of him. i, myself, actually joined in on this; considering that i thought that liking all the emo shit i was into made me “more mature than belibers” or some other absolutely batshit backwards bullshit that i would’ve spat out at the time to sound “edgy” and “NoT LiKe OtHeR GiRlS 👩🏻‍🎤👩🏻‍🎤”….. when in my group at catholic school, i had two girls in my group that were belibers themselves lol. i honestly made zilch sense.

but like to rest on this a bit, what the actual fuck was up with this joke???? why the fuck did the whole world just gang up on this teenage boy, who through no fault of his own, was still going through puberty…. so of course his voice was still going to be high??? and then the weird fucking speculation some fucking gross ass literal grown up adult people had back then of “when do you/we think his balls are going drop, so that we wont be call to be able to call him justine bieber anymore 😅😭??? just let us have our fun??!!” like what the FUCK??? why did everyone think that this was their business??? it wasn’t his fault in a sense that he stumbled into usher and got signed.

like….. no wonder justin’s had several breakdowns over the years. i would too. because how the fuck would you deal with this???? people just throwing out so casually this horrible fucking vitriol that they think you’re a girl OR think that you should get a sex change because it’s obviously a lie that he’s a boy/man OR think that you’re not “just a butch lesbian disguised as a 16yo boy” (these were legit other arguments at the time). like he was a KID for fucks sake. who the fuck asks to go through puberty in the fucking spotlight???? fucking N O O N E thats fucking who. like obviously he’s had a myriad of meltdowns and bad publicity over the years since. but this bullshit would’ve been so fucking horrible to take during the shitty years of puberty and high school to boot. obviously, in the years since, he’s done roast battles with jokes about this, so it’s good that he was able deal with it and joke about it, albeit eventually.

but i would’ve absolutely fucking hated to have all my pubescent behaviour and changes being fucking aired and speculated on in public view, for completely random people, famous or not, to comment on and make fun of. like i’ve talked before about the trouble i had with my period in my teens. i would’ve LOATHED to have that shit aired as it happened, on a red carpet for example. or as im accepting an award or just let alone performing at a show. just mid speech or mid performance. i would’ve bled (leaked) onto an expensive costume or provided expensive designer dress (or my own clothes/outfit) because my flow for a particular month/week was uber heavy. or god forbid, i wouldve thrown up mid-press-junket-interview on air or almost fucking passed out as well, depending on how my cycle/ovaries/hormones were feeling during a particular month/week.

like this is besides my point in a sense, but still. i would’ve had this aired and speculated on if i’d been catapulted to fame at the same time as bieber (and keep in mind, he is literally only a year older than me). but my period struggles would have been spun as “are you SURE this GIRL isn’t a BOY who knows nothing about period products??? does she know ANYTHING about pads & tampons so she WON’T bleed onto her dress or the like??? what a lazy, disgusting “girl”!” or “does she KNOW just how WEAK she is for NOT controlling her period pain??? how dare she pass out mid-show??? does she know she’s FAKING IT??? what a weak person, just GET UP and PERFORM, MONKEY because PERIODS ARENT THAT BAD!!! just think like a MAN and your period pain will go away!” or some other bizarre speculative bullshit that has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

when unbeknownst to anyone, i would’ve had about 5 advil tablets to both deal with my utterly unbearable period pain and unfathomably blinding and mind-numbing hormonal period headache, right before the said event or interview or whatever the fuck celeb duty i was carrying out. i would’ve had heat pads on, i would have been dizzy when arriving to and leaving from sets, etc etc etc. and finally, i would’ve been incredibly tired during all of this…… because of how much my periods fucked me around as a teen, to the point that some nights i couldn’t even fucking sleep properly. or the only reprieve i would get from the pain would be the aforementioned 5 advil tablets and an all day nap. on top of all this, i probably would’ve had to BEG (all because video call interviews weren’t particularly popular back then) for some like video call interview type thing from my bedroom or home studio or whatever, just to avoid going into an actual studio & set so i could just lay in bed or sit somewhere comfortable for the whole interview. and again etc etc etc because of all the other problems i had with my periods in my teens til my early fucking 20s, that i’ve mentioned several times on/in various posts on this hellsite over the years.

and the same goes for female stars like sasha pieterse from PLL when she opened up about her struggle with PCOS, and halsey with sharing her struggle with endometriosis. i would’ve hated to go through those medical conditions in the spotlight. i feel for them. it’s also the same thing with boobs: where the most famous example in recent years is ariel winter from modern family….. with how she needed a breast reduction because her boobs were giving her back problems and stuff, because she was like an F cup or something. and she also hated the creepy ass comments she was getting from gross dudes about how nice her boobs were or whatever the fuck, even while she was still a teen on the show.

anyway. back to bieber. i only say this because literally like last year or in 2019, the bieber joke appeared in my feed again in the first time in YEARS and i ended up tagging one of my old catholic school friends like “how the fuck do people still think this is funny?? it’s so 2011. and come to think of it, it was never funny in the first place anyway”. like both the media and the public had absolutely no right to speculate this shit and invade a young teen boy’s privacy like this??? it was so fucked up. idk why i didn’t make a post about it at the time…. but it also came into my mind just now because i commented on a post about justin bieber the other night about how he’s had fans stalk him to his nyc apartment again. like when the actual fuck will people fucking learn to let celebs have their goddamned privacy lmao.

[iridescentides]

i watched the ep twice bc i didnt take notes the first time BUT. hsmtmts 2.04 thoughts under the cut

gina first. my favorite part of the episode was when she admitted that she feels out of place living in someone else’s house and that she wanted a bigger part in the play. i was SO worried they were gonna just let her happily sideline herself in a “yay she learned her lesson about not being the center of attention” kind of way bc i would not be able to handle that two seasons in a row. let her be angry!!! she has a lot to be upset about

the gina/carlos conflict was awful bc theyre making carlos unreasonably annoying this season. last season he was nice, he was enthusiastic, not competitive and just rooting for other people. idk why they needed to flip him so drastically to being spoiled, rich, selfish, pushy, and bitchy. and on top of that i have not been vibing with the pieces of dialogue theyve been giving him this season just to score woke points. its so unbearably obvious that even though hes a brown gay character, he was written by a white gay person who thought, on some level, that he was giving the gen z kids the #hashtag representation they wanted. his delivery of every line that screams “remember, im mexican” is so awkward, it doesnt land well, and im begging them to stop. they want so badly to commodify his character and parade him around as a “look how diverse our show is!” thing and im so so sick of it bc you can tell, with all the surface-level pieces of dialogue, that they dont actually care at all

(”look around, theres not a lot of me at this school” we GET it, this show wants to be glee so bad)

im honestly starting to slowly ship rina less and less. in season one i loved seeing someone make gina happy, especially since she had no friends before opening up to ricky. but now its just a whole mess and i wish she would love herself a lil more to realize that its not worth all this stress. he made a choice and no amount of conflicted moments of eye contact is going to fully take that back. im not necessarily against love triangle plots, but i HATE the whole “women wait around hopefully while male character, whose decisions have already hurt multiple people, makes up his mind” bullshit

that being said, gina handled the situation like a CHAMP, im dying over how quickly she was able to mask her pain and make the joke about the twix bar. im love her

we were absolutely ROBBED of an ej/big red performance this episode!!! i am at my LIMIT we better get gaston next week or i will riot

on the ej train, him not getting into duke was extremely predictable. we all kinda saw that coming and knew that would be his main point of growth this season. im glad they didnt wait super long to do it. now please @ writers i am BEGGING you to give my man more screen time than one scene per episode

its very odd that they keep making mr mazzara have emotionally tough conversations with the students. i will do a parallel gifset of those once the season ends. i liked his convo with ej for the most part, but he really didnt have to beat him over the head with the “youre an emotionless robot” thing again. its clear ej is gonna throw himself into av club or whatever (even though at the end of last season that was supposed to be big red?) and discover that he has a lot going for him. because he does, he literally has everything going for him, thats why they had to make his “problem” not knowing himself. bisexual ej caswell ftw

i love the parallels between ej and nini this episode? i think since the beginning ive felt that there was a lot about them under the surface that was similar. it was interesting seeing ej tell nini about duke first, instead of the obvious choice of ashlyn. i wouldve loved to see how that scene wouldve gone with ricky, gina, carlos, or big red though bc each reaction and attempt at comforting him wouldve been so different. i didnt love that nini had to be pulled away from the conversation, but im glad they can still talk to each other after everything that went down. and i love the juxtaposition of ej’s convo with mazzara directly following nini’s convo with miss jenn bc theyre essentially the same.

speaking of, i loved miss jenn in this episode. her stories are always so funny, but i loved seeing her care so much for nini and guide her, like a teacher. i loved how she pointed out that everyone who loves nini just wants her to be happy

im glad nini is leaving yac bc there was no good way to keep that up honestly. but im pretty annoyed that they were so obvious about it? like, they immediately made it the worst place in the world without exploring it very much. the place is super unrealistic, ive never been to drama school but im sure it wouldnt be like that. no creative arts place for KIDS would be so impossibly limiting. plus the weird bluish coloring in comparison to the nice warm tones of the rest of the show was, again, a dead giveaway. why send her to the school at all if it wasnt even gonna matter?

even though im glad nini left yac, im NOT looking forward to the way miss jenn is about to bend over backwards to put her in the play somehow. she plays obvious favorites and im so annoyed

(sidenote: nini just? decided to leave yac without consulting her parents??? ummm)

granted is a very good song, one of my faves so far

ricky deciding to tell nini he wants her to stay was stupid. what did he think that would accomplish? who in their right mind would drop out of a good school for you?

i loved when nini said yac was missing something, and miss jenn said “ricky” and nini said “you.” that was so so sweet and cute

i think the kourtney/howie thing is gonna grow on me. i hate amatonormativity so im not a big fan of them introducing a whole ass character exclusively so kourtney can have a love interest, but i loved the gesture he made of bringing her the pizzas and her flashcards. i feel like kourtneys love language is acts of service, and she was literally this meme when he did that for her:

i liked seeing ashlyn try to be there emotionally for gina! i want more of them together

overall this episode was okay. not enough songs, and i wish they were spreading out the emotional conversations through the season instead of packing them all into literally one episode, but what we did get was pretty good.

after watching the preview i see that next weeks episode is gonna be about carlos’s party, and i love party episodes. BUT i hope that after that ep we finally get an advancement on the north high stuff! i dont give too many fucks about lily, but i wanna see my son asher angel

[fairycosmos]

grief makes me think such bitter thoughts. i think she (mine, not yours of course) had it so easy. got in bed, injected herself, peacefully went without even knowing. now im here debating what will leave the least gruesome corpse bc i dont want to traumatize nobody. now im feeling trapped bc another death im going to throw on my loved ones?it seems so bc life is imposssible. but how easy she fucking had it. i dont even want to see her again after im gone. i hate her for trapping me in this hell

i know what you mean. i'm the same. at least, i'm at a total loss as to how she just went to sleep and never woke up. and now i'm in this hell version of reality without her, now i'm going to have to deal with a whole lifetime without her. bc of one messed up choice she made. it doesn't even feel like something that should be possible. i feel cheated and indignant like a little kid. honestly, grief makes you think and feel all sorts of things. you don't have to justify or explain any of them to anyone. the process of managing it is not a linear, fast or simple one. these emotions come and go in new ways, in cycles, in memories, in avalanches. and the only thing we can do is sit with them. it's fucking awful. personally, i am just trying to accept being completely and utterly and irreparably ruined. i'm trying to understand that there is no way out, and that i have a right to be fucking angry. you have a right to be angry. every time i talk out loud to my sister i end lecturing her like a pissed off teacher, or just apologising over and over. it doesn't help, but i've got nothing left to lose by trying these things - screaming at her, drawing her, breaking completely. wrote her a letter for the first time today too. none of this means i'm coming to terms, in fact every day i feel worse in a different manner. don't know if its the same for you.

it's hard with drugs because you cant help going over it all in your head. it's not fully an illness, not fully an accident. you can't help just wanting to shake the person and make them truly listen to you. you cant help feeling completely incredulous. i also see it the same way, as if i'm trapped. i am trapped. i kept saying i wasn't going to kill myself after she died because like you, i didn't want to throw another death at my family. i still don't. they would buckle under the weight of this pain x 2, and i wouldn't blame them. i understand that, so i'm trying to stick around because now that i've experienced this i cant imagine causing it. i don't want to stay, but i have to for the moment. no long term commitments. just knowing i have to deal with tomorrow. and that's all it takes, the awareness of having no option but to wake up in the short term, to minimize the potential grief of your death. you discard the option because it isn't one, no matter how desperate you are. if that makes you even angrier, that's understandable. i hope you can keep trying, too. just in general. try to go on. try not to think about the far future, what you're going to do, how you're going to cope. truth is you probably won't know until you're in the situation. i know this is the last thing you want to hear and i also feel entirely misunderstood when people say it to me, but please don't act drastically. if you feel like you're at risk of harming yourself, please let your family know, or a professional/hotline. for your sake, and the sake of your loved ones. talking about it is like cleansing a wound. awful, necessary, you know. while people may not fully understand, they do to an extent and it can help a little to accept that you're not alone in your grief. even just to say it all out loud, and to break down and be witnessed in your break down, can temporarily alleviate the weight. i know we're going to carry this forever, and it's never really going to get better. but people do keep telling me the things that trigger that intense feeling of total devastation/rage lessen with time. people keep telling me you learn to keep the person around, that you learn to continue on your relationship with them despite their death. even if it'll never be the same ever again. idk how true any of it is, i just know it's worth it for you to get through today, just to see for yourself. it's normal to be angry, dude. they left us here in the most impossible, unbearable, imaginable situation without any form of escape. no one would blame you for being bitter for the rest of your life, and it's okay if you are. it'll grow and change as you grow and change, even if in some form it always remains. it's also okay if the feeling eventually dissolves into something else. ultimately there's no wrong way to do this. every moment that you continue forward is, in and of itself, more than good enough . sending so much love your way. i'm so sorry for your loss 😔 💕

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

[sup-hoes-its-me]

Pain (Kakashi x Reader)

A/N: finally, a kakashi one shot. I've been trying so hard to write one but his character is so difficult for me, so deep and mysterious and im just an idiot. Tell me if this story is shit, lol. Anyway, Soulmate AU, kinda fluffy, kinda sad idk what to say about it. 

word count: 5000~

Part One/Part Two

“Trust me,” the boy whispered to me. “It’s going to be okay.”

His arms wound around me, as I dozed in and out of consciousness. Lightning struck every couple minutes, illuminating the area just enough up so I could see the carnage around us. Dead bodies, left and right, blood splattered on trees and shinobi crying over the bodies of their teammates and loved ones.

This war would show no mercy, it had taken someone from every clan, every household. Mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, lovers, friends. No one was safe from the storm reigning over the nations.

The rain had left me drenched, and I kept coughing on the water running up my nose and into my mouth. I felt like i was drowning in my own body, lungs filled with water, heart filled with pain. 

I could feel the burden on this boy’s shoulders as he panicked over my limp, bloodied form. I didn’t know why he was saving me, or how he even noticed my body among the dozens of others left among those battling for their lives. 

I didn’t have the strength to ask him, words absent from my mind and my tongue.

“I need to keep fighting. Where are the medics, for fucks sake,” my rescuer grumbled under his breath. Fire shot above our heads, and a girl screamed in pain behind us. I felt like I was going to pass out from not only pain but sheer fear. We were sitting there asking to be killed.

Quickly, he lifted me in his arms and ran deeper into the forest, farther away from the man with the flames. 

I tried to speak, but blood caught in my throat and had me spitting it down my neck and onto my shirt. I was at the complete disposal of this stranger.

“Kakashi!”

My teammate. His voice was unmistakable. “Is that Y/N? What- Jesus, that looks bad,” my friend exclaimed as he approached my body. Suddenly my body was being handed off, and I gasped for air, more drops of blood coming up to taste on my tongue. 

“Gai, she needs to get to a medic; she’s your teammate right?” 

“Right away, Kakashi!” He turned on his heel and prepared to push off into a jump through the trees when he paused. “You don’t even know Y/N, what made you save her?”

“I don’t know. I just knew I couldn’t let her die,” the silver haired boy, whom I know knew as the famous Kakashi, trained by the fourth Hokage himself, paused, his eyes stuck on my face for a long minute. “She deserves to live, that’s all I know.” With those being the last words out of his mouth, the boy rushed into the trees, ready to fight another battle for our village. I knew who Kakashi was from the name, but I had never formally met him. He just saved me, and I didn't know whether to feel honored that he found me worth saving or ashamed that I was so weak I couldn't defend myself.

Gai carried me to the edge of the forest where a medic tent was set up. He rocked me softly in his arms as I choked on the mere air I was breathing in, and gasped when my chest felt too heavy to support itself. He was a friend, the best friend I’ve ever had, even if he was painfully unbearable at times. 

People even asked me, time and time again, is Might Gai your soulmate? No one can stand that kid, she must be his soulmate, poor girl. That’s what they would say. But no. We were friends. And Kakashi, was Gai’s sort-of-friend, but mostly he acted as an admirer.

He had mentioned Kakashi time and time again in secret. He would call him a hero, someone so talented and majestic, you would think he was talking about a seasoned shinobi like the Hokage. He felt challenged by his skill, but grateful for his help when he was being bullied. 

I guess, you could say Kakashi Hatake was my hero now too. Such a quiet guy, yet more noble than any one of us.

___________________________________

I don't normally show my soul mark, hidden away under my layers, resting on my shoulder blade. I show it to people when they ask, because it really doesn't matter if people see it or not. I know they aren't my soulmate.

I wasn’t surw who I was destined to be with. Over the years of being a shinobi, I encountered thousands of people, all of whom could have been the one, or not. I may have met them before and not known about it, but I highly doubt it. 

Kurenai told me when you meet your soulmate for the first time, it's such a distinct feeling that you can't miss it. You can't dismiss it as just a chill running through your body. As far as I can remember, I've never felt something like that: so significant that it would haunt me even today. I try not to dwell on the fact that I may never meet my soulmate, or that I've passed them by in another village or on a mission and will never see them again. 

I honestly try not to think about my soulmate at all. It's so hopeless and only brings people anxiety and paranoia. The people who go around asking to see every single person's mark are fools in my opinion.

Yes, I do think it would be nice to meet my soulmate and love them forever unconditionally, constantly having someone to hold and talk to. Yet...I can get so much shit done when I don't have to worry about some fate-forseen destiny. 

I laid in my bed, pillow over my face to drown out the sunlight and sounds of the birds chirping. I didn't have a mission today, and my team of Genin was out on a mission themselves for the next week. I had time to do absolutely nothing but sleep and relax. That is, if my fellow villagers would leave me alone for once.

But not today. I can't have one day off, can I?

"Rise and Shine, woman of the night! Half a day of youth has been wasted, my friend!" A loud bellowing voice called from outside my room. "If you don't wake up and open the door in 10 seconds, I will force the door down." Seriously…fuck Gai.

I rolled out of bed, threw on my robe lying on the floor and walked to the door. If it were anyone else, I could probably get away with staying in bed, but Gai doesn't lie when he makes threats, and I wasn't about to replace my door again.

The sun was so bright when I opened the door and peered out at my friend. eyes narrowed to avoid the sunlight. "Gai...why are you like this?" I put bluntly, stiff frown on my lips.

He frowned, shaking his head furiously. "Y/N, you are yet a single beautiful flower from the leaf village. You must not waste a single day of your youth, your prime time for action, adventure, and training," the man proclaimed, throwing his fist in the air dramatically. 

"Listen, I'm tired as all hell, but if you want me out of the house we can go get breakfast."

"Breakfast? It's past noon."

"Fine. Lunch, then." He nodded, begrudgingly. He was, as expected, disappointed that I didn't even know what time it was, and that I had skipped the most important meal of the day. I shut the door and changed into appropriate clothes, combed through my hair for a minute with my hair, and shoved some cash in my pocket for food.

We walked five blocks to sit down for ramen, and were greeted kindly by the owner and his daughter. 

"When is your next mission assigned?"

"Wednesday. Two days of peace."

"What about your team? Training?"

"On a c-rank. No kids, no responsibilities. What more could I ask for? I got 14 hours of sleep last night too."

His eyes widened, but what was he expecting? I wasn't exactly proactive when I didn't have to be, unlike his upbeat and always ready to fight lifestyle. Maybe he was right to always be prepared, since we can never know when someone will attack the village. We weren't prepared for when Orochimaru first attacked and our Hokage died, as well as hundreds of our shinobi. 

"Typical Y/N behavior. As long as you are safe from harm, I suppose it doesn't matter. Still, after this I'm running 100 laps around the village with Lee. You can join if you want."

"I'll pass this time. My calves are killing after my last mission." I sighed but felt a little calmer as my ramen was placed in front of me. I took one whiff of it and felt immensely better than before. I slouched in my seat a bit as I relaxed and practically inhaled some noodles. 

After I finished my ramen, I bid my farewell to Gai and headed back to my apartment. I guess today would be a good day to clean the mess that had been building up there for a few weeks. I went on missions so often, I just forgot to pick up in between them.

When I was walking up the stairs to my place, I noticed a particular silver haired shinobi leaning against my door, holding a small box in his hands.

“Kakashi!” I exclaimed, walking just a bit faster to get to him. He came to visit me sometimes, but it was quite rare. We usually met up in town or for a mission. “Back from your mission already?”

“Yep. Turned out to be a lot easier than we anticipated,” he replied, shifting on his feet, a movement noting nervousness. I stopped at my door, peering up at him brightly. It was always a pleasant surprise seeing him. After all, he was one of my favorite people.

I leaned on the opposite side of my door frame, my eyes shifting to the little box in his hand. “What’s that?”

“Oh, yeah. Uh, just something I found while on the mission. It’s really no big deal.”

“You were in the Land of Snow. Barely anyone goes there; of course your little trinket is a big deal!” I laughed. He also laughed, but it was painfully awkward and tense. He still seemed pretty on edge, which I just brushed off as the aftermath of a mission. “Who’s it for?”

“Yeah, about that…” he trailed off, eyes turning down to the box. “It’s actually for you.”

My whole face lit up in flames at the thought of Kakashi getting a special present for me. I watched with the internal excitement of a kid on Christmas morning, my hands shaking just a bit by my sides. My friend lifted the box, and inside was the most magnificent crystal on a metallic chain. It was white with shimmering bits of blue and silver swirling around inside. 

Carefully, I reached out and touched it with the pads of my fingertips. “Kakashi, I don’t know what to say...It’s so beautiful.” My eyes lifted to look at his single eye. It seemed I had caught him staring, and he blinked quickly to cover it up. My cheeks turned an even darker shade of pink. 

“The lady who sold it to me said that it holds a protective spirit inside. That’s probably just a cheap sales pitch, but I…” he mumbled, embarrassment creeping up his neck and ears, “Well, I thought you would like it.”

“Are you kidding? I love it. Kakashi, this is the nicest thing someone has ever bought for me. Must have cost you a fortune!” I protested as I further inspected the crystal. It was purely amazing. Truthfully, I didn’t think Kakashi had much taste either.

He shrugged. “Price doesn’t matter. What does matter is if you will wear it.”

“Of course.” Excitedly, I turned around and moved my hair out of the way of my neck. “Put it on for me, please.” I listened to him pick the chain and the clap of the box shutting and slipping into his pocket. His fingers slid against my neck, sending tiny shocks down my spine, and the cool crystal soon sat against my chest. His slim hands moved away from my skin, and I admittedly missed the feeling of his warmth on me.

As I turned, he hummed with approval. “Looks perfect on you, as I suspected.” 

“O-Oh. Well, thank you for getting it for me. Hopefully it actually works like the lady said.”

“Either way, you’ll always be safe.” He brushed off my comment coolly. “Trust me.”

I always did.

_________________________________

It was late into the night, but nerves kept me up once again. All this drama with Orochimaru, Sasuke, the Akatsuki. It was overwhelming. Tsunade was assigning me missions almost every day, my joints ached from running and fighting, and my chakra felt as if it was used up for the last time; I was so tired.

The streets were quiet except for a few restaurants still open to late night diners. My footsteps echoed on the ground as I walked along, dirt kicking up around my feet with every lazy step. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted him, perched on the top of a water tower. His hair still flew up despite the wind persistently pushing it down. Kakashi Hatake, my friend and comrade. As always he looked almost majestic, especially in this moonlight. For some reason, I felt the urge to jump up there and be with him, a push towards the shinobi.

Silently, I bounced between buildings to get to where he was, talking up to where he sat. His nin-kin turned to me and nodded in greeting. 

“Sup, Y/N,” Pakkun said in his strangely deep voice for such a tiny dog. Sitting down beside the man, my eyes trailed over to where he was looking out all this time. Pain shot through my body at the sight of the memorial stone, glimmering in the darkness. 

I think every shinobi had their fair share of memories associated with the stone, whether it be family or friends. I sighed, my gaze shifting to the moon above us. 

Some things were just too painful to dwell on.

“Y/N.”

“Hey, Kakashi,” I began, rubbing over my knuckles with my thumb. “I was just on a walk, and it looked like you could use some company.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right.” Pakkun rolled his eyes, but said nothing. After all, he knew his master could use all the human compassion he could find. “Been a tough night.”

I leaned forward a bit, swinging my legs off the edge of the water tower. It made me dizzy being this high up and looking down, but I enjoyed the rush it sent through my blood. My head tilted toward him, and I sighed. “Agreed. Too much to think about, huh?”

“Yep.”

“What’s on your mind then?”

“Currently?” His laugh was bitter as he said that word, shaking his head. His frustration rolled off his body in waves. “My student is a rogue ninja and my other students are going to get killed trying to find him.”

I nodded solemnly. My own squad was actually quite boring. They had talent, but not the same attachments or motivation as Kakashi’s students. His children fought with their all every single battle, always striving to be better than they were the day before. Hell, Sasuke went with a criminal to achieve his goals. I felt sorry for the guy. His kids weren’t normal.

“Naruto won’t give up, huh. Can’t see that happening, I gotta admit.”

“I was the one who taught them the importance of teamwork and bonds between them, but god dammit if I’m not worried about them,” he cursed. “I know they have the capability to defend themselves. Naruto and Sasuke are coming to the point where they could even surpass me, yet I feel obligated to protect him.”

Humming in agreement, I replied, “As you should. What kind of leader would you be if you just left them to be reckless?”

“I just...The thought of losing anyone else is…” His words trailed off, eyes trained on the memorial stone again. 

Tears pricked my eyes. My parents died in the war. I had been injured early on so I wasn’t there to see them die. I only heard about their deaths when the battle ended and their mutilated bodies were found among thousands of others. I didn’t know pain like this man, but I could understand death just like anyone else. Even the happiest people, like Gai, have struggled with loss more times than he would like to count.

Tentatively, my arm went to rest over his shoulders. He didn’t move away from my touch, leaning into my side just slightly. I almost didn’t notice the weight. This man needed touch and affection now more than ever. He was battling a war inside himself as another brewed around him every day. 

“I know, Kakashi.”

He kept silent. Pakkun sat in his lap calmly, his eyes shutting as he sunk deeper into thought. 

“Sometimes, I worry I’ll forget the faces of my parents who died during that battle. I-I can’t remember what color eyes my mom had, and sometimes I forget my dad had freckles or that one of his ears was just a little longer than the other. I know one day I won’t remember at all, and all my pictures burned in the wreckage…” I confided in the masked ninja, and he let out a long breath. “That’s the worst part for me.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“It’s okay. I always remind myself that while I forget their faces, I will never forget how they made me feel. How happy I was when my father applauded me at graduation, and how my mother made me the best meals I’ve ever had. In that way, they are always with me.”

His situation ran deeper, I knew that. He killed his friend Rin, and he was forced to watch as his other teammate died being crushed by a boulder. He harboured the boy’s eye every day, acting as a constant reminder that he could only take when he should have saved him. Survivor’s guilt is written on his heart.

As I squeezed his shoulder just a bit tighter to my body, I added, “You owe it to your friends and family to keep living life to the fullest. Just like my parents, your loved ones live through you now.”

He sat calmly for a second, pondering on what I said. I stared out at Konoha, a small smile on my face. The death would always haunt me, but there were always positives, always something to drag a person out of a dark time. With effort, his guilt would lessen. I doubt it would happen that way, Kakashi being too stubborn to forgive himself, but the least we could do is try.

“You’re a good friend, y’know.”

“I’ll always be here for you, Kakashi. Always.”

“Thank you, Y/N.”

______________________________________

The mission was turning out to be a big failure. Y/N had wasted away at her reserve of chakra, and Kakashi wasn’t fairing too much better. They would have been sent with more shinobi back up but Tsunade was running short on available ninja, not even a genin to help them. There was so much going on, and this fight was more chaotic than most.

A few hours before, Y/N and Kakashi noticed that enemy shinobi started following them, but from such a distance that it would be better to keep going for as long as they could to regain strength before engaging in combat. Only, they didn’t realize that there were enemies waiting for them as well. It seemed they walked right into a clever trap.

They weren’t prepared. Even the famous Kakashi was worn out from the strain of the mission earlier that day. Constantly, it seemed, they were being attacked. 

Regardless, they tried to put up the best fight they could. 

But it was futile.

After just 20 minutes of fighting, Y/N was at wits end. She had used up a big portion of her chakra an hour earlier to heal a villager. Her legs ached from running for hours, and her head spun with a migraine from head damage.  Before anyone could react, an already weakened kunoichi fell to the ground, half a dozen kunai sticking from her back from a sneak attack in the trees. Her shirt soaked up the blood oozing from her broken skin, and she barely had enough energy to cry out before her face hit the dirt hard. Just as Kakashi turned away from the enemy to see what had happened, one of the kunai, which was tagged, detonated.

Dust flew up in clouds around her as the flames went down. Her clothes were practically seared to the seams, and the awful smell of burnt flesh wafted into the forest around them. 

“Y/N!” Kakashi yelled at the sight of her body. “Shit, shit, shit.”

He pressed his hand to the ground and screamed for his summons to come and help him. Anyone that could protect Y/N while he finished this fight alone. His ninken appeared, and immediately they knew what to do. A few of them went to attack the person who was targeting Y/N, leaving the criminal merciless to their vicious nature, meanwhile the rest, including Pakkun ran over to her body, sizzling on the ground with smoke rising from the fabric of her shirt. 

With some  assistance now in place, Kakashi used the last bit of his chakra to take down the man in front of him, as well as the two to his right and left. Three shinobi down, as well as the one his ninken took down a few seconds ago. 

As he took a few breaths, trying to compose himself enough to think clearly, he caught sight of Y/N’s unmoving body, despite the efforts the dogs took to wake her up, to get her to simply twitch to show she was still alive. 

Nothing. 

His heart began to race with fear. This scene, it was all too familiar. His friends who had died before him, their broken and ruined bodies lying before him to only stare at. He felt helpless. Like years ago, she was near death and he desperately needed to keep her alive. The need inside of him was so strong he couldn’t think of anything else.

Kakashi fell to his knees next to her, quickly moving to yank the kunai from her back and toss them to the side. blood seeped into her blackened clothes and onto the grass below her. 

His hands hovered over her form anxiously, not knowing what to do next. He wasn’t a healer. She was the one with the medical ninjutsu up her sleeve. Pakkun noticed his frantic eyes, the way he held his breath as if time had stopped. 

“Not my Y/N. Not to her, please, Kami, please,” he begged.

“She’s breathing, Kakashi,” the dog assured, placing his paw onto his master’s arm. “The medcine, Kakashi, she needs the Hokage’s medicine.”

His brain took a moment to think, and soon after he rummaged through the remnants of Y/N’s side bag, searching for the salve Tsunade had given them as they left. “Fuck, why did this have to happen?” Harsh words cursed out under his breath as he cut through the fabric with a kunai to get a full look at the wounds on her back. Soot covered her skin, so he wiped them off the best he could.

One dark spot remained. Under her shoulder blade.

Maybe he should have moved faster, forgot about the black mark on her back, but he couldn’t help but rub away the rest of the dust and dirt to take a closer look. He’d never seen her soul mark. She’d never seen his. They were in places unseen by the casual eye. 

And after 20 years of not knowing, they matched. His soulmate. She was right in front of him this entire time. He always felt different toward the woman, in the kind of way they only talk about in romance novels. He never anticipated even meeting his soulmate, but knowing her for 20 years, loving her for this long...it felt surreal.

He pushed down his mask, touching the mark on his chin faintly. Pakkun eyed his master’s mark for a moment before turning to the girl’s. “Kakashi…”

“Shit, forget about that. Let’s just make sure she lives.”

He rubbed the salve onto her wounds, and her body started to shake. The wounds slowly closed, only leaving streaks of blood and dust on her skin. As he turned her body over, he noticed blood dripping from her forehead and wiped it away, pressing a piece of her shirt to the wound to keep pressure steady. 

“She won’t wake up for a while. It’s best to take her back to the village, Kakashi.”

He wordlessly nodded, lifting her into his arms and standing up, hugging her weak form to his chest. And so he started his walk back to the hidden leaf.

His whole body felt heavy, worry building up in his heart. They were meant to be together, souls intertwined by fate. He finally found the woman who would love him endlessly. He would be happy once again.

If only it was that easy…

____________________________________________

After being injured on the last mission, I was allowed to take a few weeks off to recover. Apparently, my wounds could have been fatal if not for the salve Tsunade gave us as it contained an antidote to their poisonous weapons. Kakashi did a good job, the nurses told me when I woke up in the crowded hospital room. They told me he saved my life.

“He was so worried about you, Y/N. He ran all the way here from the Land of Fire just to make sure you were okay.”

“Yeah, he was just about ready to cry when he handed you off to us,” the nurse told me, a small smile on her face. “He really cares about you, Miss Y/N.”

The nurses told me a lot of things while I was being healed. They loved to talk, and Kakashi was a man of much interest apparently. Even though I was in pain, they made it somewhat bearable to sit in the hospital for three days. 

Every week, I would go back for a follow up, just to make sure the poison hadn’t reemerged. My last appointment just happened to be with the Hokage herself, her expertise above all others. I worried something might be wrong, as my injuries seemed to be getting better, but needing the Hokage to perform an exam must mean something is wrong. Honestly, I was anxious. 

I settled onto the patient’s bench as the powerful woman walked into the room.

“Y/N. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good. No pain anymore.”

“Alright, well, I’ll listen to your vitals, check your blood stream and chakra flow, and hopefully you’ll be out of here in no time,” she told me, doing as she said she would. I laid on the bench and let her medical chakra flow through me, searching for abnormalities. 

After that, I sat up for her to check on my back, which was just about finished healing and scaring. Every shinobi has scars, and thankfully these are hidden under my shirt at all times. Big red welts sat there for a week to the point where it hurt to even wear a shirt because the fabric rubbed against them.

She lifted my shirt, her cold finger running along the healing wounds. Suddenly, her fingers stopped, right under my shoulder. 

“Well, that’s quite...shocking.”

 “Something wrong?” I piped up, peeking at her from over my shoulder. Her eyes were trained onto my back, eyes widened.

“No, it’s not a problem,” she lowered my shirt, and patted her hands together. “Good news is that you’re completely fine, no complications.”

“Bad news?”

“More good news, I suppose,” the woman told me, her lips quirking into a half grin. “Your necklace is gorgeous. I haven’t been able to keep my eyes off it since you started wearing it, to be honest. Sakura told me Kakashi gave it to you.” She sighed, touching the crystal hanging close to my heart. 

With a smile, I nodded, eyeing the stone myself. “It’s one of my most prized possessions,” I gushed, heat returning to my cheeks as I thought about receiving the gift.

“Then I have some great news for you.” She let go of my necklace and stepped back a bit, crossing her arms under her breasts. “You and your beloved have the same soulmark. It seems Kakashi is your soulmate.”

My heart stopped beating in my chest for a second. Wide eyes met her neutral ones, and I opened my mouth to say something, but she beat me to it. “I’ve healed Kakashi time and time again, so I know his mark. It’s under his mask, so you would never get the chance to see it. Yet, it matches yours perfectly. Congratulations.”

“Lady Hokage, I-I...Thank you for telling me! This is all I’ve been wishing for for years. Meeting my soulmate, I’ve only ever thought about it in my dreams. I-I can’t believe it.”

“I’m happy for you, Y/N. You and Kakashi will have a mission in 2 days, I suggest you tell him sometime then, when you have time together,” she advised. I nodded gratefully.

She bid me a goodbye and shut the door as she left. My heart was still in overdrive as I processed what she had just told me.

I would just have to wait a few days and then I could tell him everything. It would be the best day of my life.

[daisanokensha]

i really admire your characterization so i was curious about your take/thoughts on mikoto's ptsd?

OOF SORRY this is late and idk if you still wanna read this anon but... you flatter me haha... i’ll gladly(?) offer my two scents but im warning you it’s been a while

sooooo obviously i agree that mikoto’s extremely depressed but generally speaking i’d say i’m not a fan of takes that claim he developed ptsd from the crater incident. i respect them but i think the crater’s more of an echo of the actual issue considering mikoto revisited the edge of it with his grandpa often enough to make a habit out of going for a swim which reisi thought was very bizarre and tasteless when he saw a dripping wet mikoto emerge out of the water (THIS IS A DISASTER SITE MIKOTO) BUT LIKE that's neither here nor there bc mikoto suoh is a) notoriously disrespectful and b) has no problem wrecking public property. destruction isn’t his issue per se

i personally think the problem lies within his impulse control and/or lack thereof as it becomes a big thing later on in the series. people tend to throw a bunch of buzzwords around but fact still remains that he’s always been a pretty laid-back guy who grew up in an environment that practically enabled him to pick up certain habits (used to work as a bodyguard, lives in a bar etc). i don’t rly expect much from sb who’s never been told no as a child or that he can’t overindulge bc there’s... no such person in his life to take on that role (his parents are dead, his grandpa too). he didn’t develop his bad habits due to his ptsd (re: smoking, drinking, sleeping), his ptsd just amplified them. sure, he can control himself to a certain extent, but the second he’s given an incentive, he’ll take advantage of it.

but like. mikoto’s a good kid (as confirmed by honami). he’s doing well in school and, as honami mentioned, she firmly believes he could become anything  career-wise if he just set his mind on it. he just doesn’t want to. everyone’s got all of these expectations they project onto him while mikoto’s just over here honest to god vibing. yes, he gets into fights, but don't poke the bear and expect it to lie still, y’know? i’d also get sick of constantly dodging people that, seemingly for no reason whatsoever, won’t get off my ass. no, mikoto’s the type to ignore an issue until it goes away, but if it doesn’t, if it persists and gets in the way of his lifestyle or negatively impacts people he cares about etc, he gets violent.

(speaking of friends and people he cares about: i don’t rly think he’s got trouble making friends. he just doesn’t give a shit. people (good And bad) flock to him so effortlessly, but it’s clear that they have to put in the effort to actually stick around bc mikoto certainly doesn’t bother. they come and go, and it’s like he said: if kusanagi suddenly decided that he hated mikoto and/or didn’t wanna hang w him anymore, he wouldn’t resent him for that decision. he gets it.)

and that basically brings us to the actual problem. he’s got money, friends (for the first time in his life!), he’s doing whatever he wants etc etc all this free time to waste and money to blow basically. how does taking all of that away impact his life? extremely negatively. the slate chooses him. he’s suddenly confronted with the fact that he’s got way more responsibility than he can handle when his life has always, always, always consisted of him just doing whatever. he’s got more power than he can handle that, if he’s not careful, can and will kill his friends. people outside of his close circle suddenly look up to him for no reason other than said power that, on top of everything else, is actively destroying his body. he’s taking care of a child at his age that constantly invades his privacy (to a point where she shares his messed up dreams with him) and we know that mikoto’s an extremely private person. it’s bad. he doesn’t like it. he prefers what he’s built with izumo and totsuka. it’s small and intimate, but they understand him. 

it never works out the way he wants.

but yeah. i just think there are so many different factors that ultimately led to his depression and ptsd that weren’t necessarily all “this guy likes to smoke and drink he must be depressed”. the most important thing has always been the absence of freedom (and consequently, his right to decide for himself), so to end this post with a couple of important things:

- mikoto knows he’s got poor impulse control and an easily addictive personality. it’s a Big struggle, but for all the wrong reasons: he doesn’t want to give up his life for the sake of others, but he has to. he feels like he does, too, at this point - people are suddenly telling him what to do? the cops are constantly on his ass? - he can’t go out anymore without attracting some kind of trouble. becoming the next red king directly put a target on his back and put him on the radar (remember, he likes his peace). they’re, by association, painted as the most violent clan. the bad eggs, and there are several, don’t really do anything to improve homra’s image. mikoto accepts it, albeit defiantly. he stays indoors as much as he can. overthinking everything makes him spiral, makes him angry and depressed, so he sleeps - people come to him to join his clan. it’s growing exponentially. the burden’s getting heavier. they’re good people, but a rowdy bunch. it weighs on his shoulders. he’s never been in this position. how can he keep them all safe? why does he have to? he just wants to live - he distances himself. not too much, but some days are unbearable. his bad mood affects them all. they know something’s up, but he can’t explain. doesn’t want to. so he stays away, because it’s easier - lapses of self-control, lack of sleep. the dreams he experiences aren’t his, but they’re vivid and terrible. he’s not there when it unfolds - he comes to once it’s all over, when the dust has barely settled, hands charred, sweating. it’s a reminder that if he gives in and lets it consume him, he will turn into that monster

also it’s not the first time i read this but the poor hygiene part always throws me off bc mikoto showers and styles his hair every morning. anna even tried to document a day in the life, so ??? where’s this coming from??? did i miss smth? who told you guys mikoto’s a nasty little gremlin

[uzuitengensfourthwife]

Again. (Chrollo x Reader)

A scenario in which you forgive him... again.

warnings: none really, its just a tiny tiny bit angst

word count: 2848

authors note: well... idk.. I felt kinda okay writing this? Still Im sorry if its sloppy or shitty to you

He was gone for a year now, a whole damn year without telling anyone, not even you. One day he was calling you and not letting go of you and the next day he is gone. He left without leaving any trace, it was like he has never existed. Even when you tried to contact the authorities, he seemed to not exist. At first, you cried and sobbed and didn’t move an inch. In fact, you were a depressed little piece of shit, for a total of 3 long months. But after some time, your sadness turned into anger and therefore you promised to beat the crap out of him once he turns up in front of your door again. You wanted to make sure, that once he enters this very apartment, that a fucking shoe would hit his face. No roses, no necklaces and no chocolates could make up for his disappearance and you had to make sure not to fall for his lovey-dovey talk about how sorry he was. This time, oh this time his little game wouldn’t work on you.

And you had to admit, you weren’t really sure when he would appear again, but you were already mentally preparing yourself to yell at him.

And yet, at the same time your thoughts showed that no matter what would happen, you missed him a lot. Gosh, you weren’t even sure if you were able to keep up that act once he’s in front of you. Will you be able to be mad at him? Or will you cry like a child, that has been deprived of their lollies? You weren’t sure, in fact everything could happen.

Then suddenly, your doorbell rang. You turned around, a bit confused, you had to say.  It was late after all, probably 11 PM and you were sitting here and working still. For a short moment, you hoped that it would be your lover, however there was no certain prove that would support your assumption. You assumed that it would be one of your neighbours, so you answered quickly. ,,Coming!’’

You got up hastily, making your way to the door, just to unlock it with your keys and then opening it. But once you finally looked at who was standing in front of you, you couldn’t bring out a word. You were standing there, in a trance. Here he was. He was back. Finally, he was back.

,,Darling.’’ The man in front of you greeted, a bouquet of flowers in his right hand and a little box in the other. He spread his arms a bit more just to gesture that he was waiting for a hug. But you didn’t move, not even an inch. ,,Chrollo…’’ you whispered, your voice so quiet and shaky, probably from the shock, the sudden surprise. The sight suddenly seemed to get blurry, indicating your eyes that started to get all wet and watery. ,,No need to cry darling, I’m back.’’ A smile appeared on his face as he stepped closer, still holding the flowers and the little present.

But your sudden sadness then turned into anger. He DARED to show up in THE MIDDLE of the night, just like that. You were about to lose it.  In fact, you were about to punch him right on his nose, because that’s what he deserves. Punches and pain. ,,You..’’ you hissed, stepping closer and pointing at him with your finger. His expression changed in no time and confusion was plastered all over his face. ,,You left me, without telling me. You left no traces, you disappeared. YOU made me feel like shit. Do you REALLY think that flowers and some necklace you stole are going to make up for it? Go to fucking hell.’’

After this little threatening speech of yours, it should’ve made him feel guilty, it was supposed to scare him off. To make him cry. To make him SEE what HE did wrong.

But all you got as a reaction was him laughing at you like you’ve just told some funny joke. He didn’t take you seriously. God, he never did.

So you frowned, you really wanted to scold him again, however he seemed to be faster. ,, Darling,’’ He said, slowly leaning forward, an amused expression on his face. ,,Yes, I didn’t tell you and yes I did disappear, however I have missed you a lot.’’ He smiled oh so dearly, as he then fully stepped into your apartment, giving you the flowers and the little present.

,,I wasn’t finished-‘’ you started, but he ignored you as he examined your apartment, looking for any changes. Seriously, he was unbearable. ,,You didn’t change much here, still into the same stuff.’’ He stated, without even looking at you, he was still busy with strolling through your apartment. As if there was some kind of hidden treasure in your apartment.

,,Are you still keeping my books?’’ he then asked as he opened a few of your drawers to see if his collection of books were inside of them and god did you want to slap him for leaving such a mess after only returning. He had no respect for you, no that wasn’t it, he just loved to see you all riled up, he found it quite attractive. ,,Quit acting stupid Chrollo, you know where they are.’’ You said through gritted teeth, trying not to give him the satisfaction of your angered behaviour. Gosh did you hate him at some point.

,,Excellent.’’ He exclaimed with a subtle smile, as he then slowly opened the cupboard right next to the TV. His smile only grew bigger as he then quickly grabbed one of the new books you have gotten him last year, but he never got to read them, since he then suddenly disappeared. ,,I couldn’t wait to finally read all of them.’’ - ,,If you would’ve stayed-‘’ you started, only then to get shushed by him, as he stepped awfully close to you. He looked down at you, his smile faded. ,,Darling, I was working and you know how important my work is.’’ Scoffing, you turned away your head, as you answered. ,,You’re a criminal Chrollo. Instead of stealing you could do better things, you could do stuff that is less illegal. For instance, teaching literature.’’

,,Dearest,’’ you glanced at him, not sure what he was about to say. ,,You’re just mad that I’ve been gone for so long. I promise, I’ll tell you next time.’’  He then brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, softly smiling at you. God, he really was giving you a hard time to be mad at him. But at some point, even you got tired of his promises, of his so called ‘great’ promises, that were nothing but empty promises in the end. The more you tried to believe him, the harder it actually got. You sighed, as you then stepped away, leaving some space between the two of you. ,,That’s exactly the problem. Your empty promises.’’

There was silence, no one talked.

Chrollo was usually a man that respected you and your intentions, he tried to understand you. But this time you could see in his face, that he did not understand you. In fact, you weren’t really able to guess what was going on in his mind, no emotion leaked through his shell. Suddenly, fear hit you. What if he’ll get mad, although you were pretty sure it wouldn’t happen, after all Chrollo never got mad. Not even at you. ,,If my promises were empty, I wouldn’t be right here in front of you.’’ Every other girl would’ve forgotten the fight after his sweet words, but you understood what he really was trying to say. He could drop you at any time, once he’s bored, he could disappear, nothing was really holding him back. Therefore you wouldn’t even know if he’d return after some time or not, you would live in constant fear.

You gulped down your fear and looked at him only to see that his back was facing you, he was looking at a picture of your family. ,,The necklace,’’ he then said, his voice sweet again. ,,You should try it on.’’ You really didn’t want to give in, you were supposed to still be mad at him. Yell at him and throw things at him, just… just were was your anger? What was wrong with you? He did this all the time, was your anger not enough to withstand him? No, IT HAD to be enough. He’s been doing this for five long years now, you really should be able to tell him off.

,,I’ve told you. A stolen necklace won’t make up for it.’’ He turned around, raising an eyebrow at you. You were already preparing yourself to sound as mad as possible, when he suddenly stepped closer and opened his arms. ,,Is a hug what you want? You could’ve just asked dearest.’’ But you weren’t moving. He really made things hard for you. Yes, you did want to hug him at some point since you’ve missed him a lot, but he was giving in way too easily.

After some time, in which you didn’t move, he embraced you in a tight hug, his chin resting on top of your head. The warmth he gave off was soothing, making you feel safe. You didn’t realize how much you’ve missed him until now. ,,Don’t cry darling.’’ He suddenly whispered in your ear, his arms tightening around you, his lips on your forehead. You slowly touched your face and then realized that he wasn’t joking. You were crying in his arms. Pathetic, you thought. You should’ve been mad at him; you should’ve kicked him out. But here you were, crying in his arms for god knows what reason.

The two of you stayed in this position for a while, when he suddenly let go of you, making you look up to him. His eyes were fixed on you, a sweet and kind smile on his lips as he then softly kissed your wet cheeks. ,,Even while crying, you don’t fail to look amazingly beautiful.’’ No no no no, he was doing it again. Complimenting you until you’d apologize for yelling at him, for even doubting his actions. ,,Stop…stop it,’’ You demanded, backing off a bit. ,,You’re always doing this after you come back. You’re always sending me on a guilt trip, when it actually is your fault, not mine.’’ It was hard to read him, but you did realize that he now understood. This time, fooling you was no option.

He sighed and slumped onto a chair that was standing right next to your dining table. ,,Darling,’’ he started as he slowly leaned back. ,,Let’s talk this out tomorrow. I am quite tired, and I bet you are too after all you’ve been working all day.’’ You shook your head, as you then replied. ,, No, let’s talk this out now.’’.

He didn’t answer for a while, he just watched you and tried to see if you wouldn’t change your mind and go to bed with him like a normal couple would. You were sure that he hoped you would change your mind, so you would eventually forget that you were mad at him to begin with.

And of course you didn’t, you had to talk to him, you had to tell him how you’ve felt over these past few years in which he has appeared and disappeared. You just had to fight against the feeling that told you to stop fighting him, you had to be strong in order to achieve at least a tiny bit of change. ,,Okay then. What is it you want to talk about, darling?’’ he probed, sitting up straight and crossing his arms in front of his chest. You took a deep breath as you then began to explain. ,,You hurt me a lot,’’ shortly, you stopped, waiting for a  reaction. However, you continued after a few seconds of silence. ,,You always had me crying when you just disappeared without even leaving a message. And then after months, you just appear again, acting like you’ve never even been gone in the first place.’’ You saw him nodding, showing you that he tried to understand the situation from your point of view. He tried, that didn’t mean he really did understand.

He didn’t answer you for a good while, and in the time, he just observed you in silence, you felt your anxiety giving you a hard time again. It wasn’t like you feared him or anything, it was more of… him having you under complete control. You loved him a lot, and yet you didn’t want him to leave you, despite the little time you have actually spent with him, it felt like you have made the best memories with him, the most valuable. From all the guys you have dated before, it felt like he was the one, you saw yourself with him growing older. Yes, you saw yourself marrying this man, so you thought this was why you couldn’t let go. But still, his unannounced disappearances were still unacceptable.

,,My job brings it’s prices. Unfortunately, this is one of them. I am trying to be with you as often as I can. And for making you cry… that I am sorry for my dear.’’ What was this feeling you felt just now? Sadness, guilt? You were pretty sure it was guilt. The way his eyes were fixed on you, with a saddening shine in them, made your heart ache. All the anger, all the doubt you have felt throughout this whole time have now turned into guilt. You felt bad for doubting him, for being mean to him, even for talking back.

,,Chrollo…’’ you sniffed, letting your feelings take over you. ,,Im sorry… I…I wasn’t thinking.’’ Your eyes were getting watery again, you hated yourself, but you couldn’t hate Chrollo. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t hate him. Gosh, you were such a mess, your feelings were all over the place, you weren’t even sure what you were really feeling right now. In the beginning, you were to make sure that you yelled at him, but over time your feelings for him took over. Even with all the anger that was stored  inside of you, your feelings for him were just so much more stronger. No, he was smart enough to make you feel like that.

,,No tears darling, it’s fine.’’ he whispered, as he approached you and took your hand. You didn’t dare to face him, after the mess you’ve caused, you just felt horrible. ,,You’re tired, lets get you to bed dearest, how does that sound?’’ You nodded as a response, still not having the courage to look him in the eye.

But it didn’t bother him, in fact he has done it again. He had made you give in again. So without exchanging any more words, the both of you got ready for bed. When you were already sitting in bed, he was still in the living room, looking for a new book to read. He seemed content with what he has achieved once more. After all he was able to make you forgive him again.

But you on the other hand already started to regret everything. It was always the same. You always prepared yourself to yell at him, you always were angry when he came home, and yet, once he stood in front of you, you couldn’t resist him anymore. It didn’t really matter how mad you were at him, nor did it matter how much you would doubt him, in the end you would always be the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Fights with him were always one sided, he never really talked back, but in the end he always won. No matter how hard you tried.

You sighed, you were really tired. Maybe he was right, maybe you were just too tired to think straight. Jus the fact that you were still working at 11PM showed that you were overworking yourself.

,,You’re still awake darling?’’ you heard him ask, once he entered your bedroom again. You just nodded; you didn’t really have much to say to him anymore. All the bad assumptions and insults about him have left your mind all at once, after you apologized to him. Now, it was him who sighed. He sat down next to you with a book in his hand, he leaned closer. ,,You must’ve been up since 6 am, right? You really deserve to get some rest darling.’’ A smile appeared on his face, as he then softly pecked your lips. His lips were as soft as you remembered them to be. ,,Alright..’’ you whispered tiredly, he was right after all, you were up for too long. His lips then touched your forehead as he whispered a quiet ,goodnight darling’.

And with you let yourself drift to sleep.

Another night in which you let yourself get guilt tripped, oh how you hated yourself.

[thewritingstar]

desperate hugging with the greens

Um I....Im sorry but this kinda got sad but desperate hugging calls for desperate situations.......enjoy? idk if you can though.....

warnings: character death...sorta 

also they dont have powers

----

Beep Beep Beep

The sound of the heart monitor echoed in her ears as she escorted herself out of the hospital room. It was too white and dim all at the same time as the only color was the fiery red of her older sisters hair.

She wrapped her arms around herself trying to provide any comfort but it didn’t work. She knew Blossom would be okay, she had to be. That was the only option as had left. 

The thought of her standing over a casket as its lowered to the ground haunted her, she wasn’t sure she could take it. The expressionless face as her skin turned grey from the loss of life left a gruesome imagine in her mind as she took a seat on a chair. 

The doctors said she was alright. Besides minor blood loss, she should be okay. She had forgotten what they had said afterwards, she couldn’t think clearly anymore. 

It happens too fast for her to tell. All she remembers was driving and a classic summer pop song filling the cars radio as they sang along. She was the one driving as Blossom was in the passenger seat. Behind them the sunset had begun to fade as the lights of the city came into view. 

It was a sister beach day and she remembers the look on Blossoms face when she told her the news. Tears pinched her skin as she hugged her sister close and even she had shed a few tears. She had been so happy and she was convinced that there was nothing that could ruin their moment. 

The light had turned green and her foot was on the gas. Blossom had said something about a new dress and bow but instead she let out a ear piercing scream. She felt the impact instantly. 

The other car speeding through the red light had hit them from the back seats and the car had spun and she felt her body smash against the steering wheel as the air bags inflated. 

There was so much pain as her head snapped back and when the world stopped spinning she reached over for her sister, shaking her shoulder as she felt blood in too many places. 

“B-blossom.” She screamed out but she wasn’t even sure if she had made a sound as she felt her body being taken out of the car and the world turned blurry and black. 

Her eyes were blank as she stared at the door.

“Buttercup?” The voice brought her out of her trance as she looked up. 

Blossom’s fiancee Brick stood with a bundle of flowers that he had been gripping way to tight and she was engulfed into a hug. “They said she’ll be okay.” She whispered to him but the look in his eyes said otherwise. 

The nurse brought him in and the door shut, the hallway becoming cold. She felt herself being pulled into a familiar pair of arms. The scent of pine provided instant comfort as she wrapped her arms around him. 

“I tried to get here as soon as possible but they only called today.” He kissed her temple but her usual smile wasn’t there. “Do you know how much longer you’ll be here?”

Her voice was horse as his hands came down to rub at her arms. “I should be okay for tomorrow.” She looked at her feet and sniffled. 

He could see the dread over come her body and she didn’t even hear him ask the nurse something as he took her hands and lead her out the back doors. In the back of the hospital was a small garden. A few picnic benches and a hedge maze brought some color to the bleakness of the building. 

She was thankful that her boyfriend could sense she was getting antsy inside. They didn’t say anything as they walk and she was thankful that it was just them as they sat at a picnic table. She wasn’t one to show her emotions easily but the trauma she endured was weighing heavily on her.

Buttercup sat on the top of a picnic table with Butch standing between her legs. She hated the grimy feeling of her hair and desperately wanted to have water run over her soon but right now all she wanted to do was be held by her boyfriend. 

Her eyes were on his chest, not daring to meet his eyes as he continued to brush the side bangs to the side. He was patient and silent, waiting for her to make the move, that’s what she loved so much about him. Nothing was rushed or fast pace, they could go as slow as they needed and savor all the moments.

But sometimes she wished moments would happen fast then be forgotten. 

Her lip was quivering as she rubbed the tips of her fingers together, nervousness setting in and he instantly saw the tears slip gently down. 

“Buttercup.” He whispered and she felt all her strength collapse. 

Her lip quivered before she threw her arms around his shoulders and buried her face into his chest. His hands wrapped around her body instantly and he kissed her head as she desperately hugged him. 

Her arms tighten, afraid that if she let go, he would be gone. The flashback of the car and all she could see was the heartbreak on his face and the destruction in his eyes. It was becoming all to much. 

“It was all my fault” Her voice was cracked as she sobbed and he dug his fingers through her matted hair.

“Don’t you ever say that. It was not your fault.” He tried to reason with her. She want to believe so badly. She wanted to know for sure but maybe if she had checked, no the light was green. It was green!

“I-I can’t lose her Butch.” 

“You’re not going to.” He pulled away and cupped her face with his hands. His own eyes were filled with tears and her hands rested on his wrists as she stared at him. “Shes going to okay. Okay?” 

Her head slowly shook as she blinked away the tears and his thumbs circled her swelled cheeks. 

“I was so worried.” He whispered as his forehead rested against hers. “When they called, Buttercup I didn’t know what to do. But I had to tell myself you were okay and look you are but, fuck-I’ve never been that scared in my life. Buttercup, I can’t even imagine what i would do without you. I love you so much.” 

“I lost her.” She cried into his chest again. 

“No, Blossom is okay. Shes in good hands-”

Her voice was muffled by his shirt as she whispered. His hands were back rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head. She said it again but he couldn’t make it out. 

“I’m sorry.” She crocked out and this time her face was red and broken. There was desperation written across and he had never seen her look this...lost. 

Her face was puffy and her eyes flickers back and forth to his. Her body was ice cold and he tried to make her understand. 

“Baby its not your fault, the crash wasn’t your fault. Blossom is okay. Love, you are okay.”

“They told me I lost-”

“Lost?” 

“I-” His eyes traveled to where her hands were resting. 

lost?

lost?

oh.

Oh.

OH.

His eyes widened as she couldn’t bare to finish the sentence. He gently took her hands in his. “Hey.” His voice was soft and he picked her head up gently with his hand. “Buttercup.”

“I lost our baby. You didn’t even know.” Tears fell faster and harder and she felt like she couldn’t breath. “I am so sor-”

“Do not apologize.” He begged her. His eyes were wide. “Buttercup I could never blame you for something out of your control.”

She wiped her cheek. “They told me I wouldn’t be able to have kids again.”

He felt his heart shatter. They had talked about kids for so long. The thought of them taking their bundle of joy to their first sports game and teaching them how to read and write. The giggles and laughter they would share as they fell into a domestic bliss that they desperately craved. 

She had found out a week ago. The feeling of pure joy as the two small line appeared was something she couldn’t describe. The newest chapter of her life was about to begin and she was ready. 

And then there was Blossom. Her older sister had wanted a baby but unfortunately couldn’t have one so when she learned she was going to be an auntie, she cried tears of joy. Matching bows and cute little dresses were what she talked about during their beach trip. Their little sister Bubbles was on the phone back home with their father and they were just as excited. 

She could see it now. Getting home and running towards Butch. Throwing herself into his arms and kissing him senseless as she shared the news. She could see his face confused then morphed into pure glee. He would shed a tear and she would laugh and then they would celebrate with cake and a movie. 

The next few months would be her complaining about cravings and him adoring every moment of his girlfriend and quickly propose to prove he was there for her. She could see their life as if it were a movie. 

And now it was over. 

He held her close to his chest. The unbearable weight of the situation riding on them. He couldn’t imagine the pain she was carrying and the blame she was placing but all he knew was that she was safe and still here and thats all he could ask for. 

“I could never love you less.” He reassured her. “I need you to promise me you won’t forget. No matter what we face, we will get through this.” 

He took her hand and placed a soft kiss to it before kissing her cheek. 

“I love you.” He whispered. 

“I love you too.” 

They sat in the garden holding each other as the realization dawned on them. They were full of heartbreak and sorrow.

-----

idk how to end this. so ugh enjoy. maybe ill rewrite this one day. hope this was okay.

[deniigi]

also sorry so tuesday again you write a TON and i know youve answered something like this but like whats your planning system for writing stuff?? ive been writing in a notebook for like an hour planning but idk if writing a ton of sentences and words that are mostly questions and sentences like 'lots of food including @ work' and like, mini schedules for what time things happen is useful? im explaining this bad but uh??? just if you have the time and tips or anything? dcsjthankshaveagreatweek!!!

Hey Tues!!

So yeah, I did discuss a little about my kind of arbitrary planning practices here in this post but in terms of like, the nitty gritty, I haven’t really discussed too much because everyone’s kind of got their own process.

So for me, about 80% of the time, I’ll just sit back and let the work go where it will. I don’t do much planning at all. But when it come to sustained fics, I do do some pretty extensive planning.

But let me be clear here, when I say “extensive planning” I’m talking no more than 1 page of general notes per chapter.

In terms of what goes in that plan, like, it depends on your piece, but in general, for me, every piece you write starts with two questions: where you are in terms of narrative? And what is the main goal for this piece?

Really, the big question you’re asking when you go into a piece is, ‘Where do I need to end up?’, but that can be hard to know before you start writing, so I prefer to think of this is terms of the two questions.

–

So, like, here’s an example of what that floating ethereal bullshit actually looks like (we’ll use a maybe-the-next-chapter from Sidebars as an example so you’ve got something concrete to look at):

So first thing’s first!

1. Where are we?

First, in terms of the larger story. Are we halfway through? Are we still at the beginning? Do we still need to introduce characters? Do we still have plot points we need to hit to establish a relationship or motive or enemy?

Right now, in sidebars when I ask myself this question, I can say, okay. I’m about 3/4s of the way through this story and I am done introducing characters. I’ve established Peter’s relationship with Sam and resolved that mini arc. I’ve established MJ’s relationship with the Acadec kids. I’ve finally FINALLY written the wedding scene, so that leaves me with probably 3-4 chapters to cap off Peter’s Chicago mob situation, to get the Acadec kids to Nationals, and to come up with some kind of ending.

That’s where I am.

So if you’re writing a one-shot, this is going to look different. For example, you need to decide where in their lives your characters are. Where are they physically/geographically? What are they doing in this moment?

(ie. for say, team red, you can say, smth like ‘well, they just met and are trying to feel each other out.’ or ‘This is right after Matt came back from midtown, and Peter and Wade have just started to move on with their lives after his ‘death.’‘–that kind of thing is a good place to start with a one shot)

Once you know where you are, you can start to figure out where you’re going. And that’s when you move on to question two!

2. What is the goal of this piece?

I personally try to pick one main goal and around that, I’ll often have a handful of subgoals going on on top of that big guy.

For example, in sidebars this next chapter must resolve the mob situation. That is the main goal of that chapter.

–

Now, at this point, now that I know where I am and what my main goal is, I can start to draft and weave in the subgoals.

So here’s what that looks like in terms of drafting:

1. Wedding is done. Peter now has time to deal with the mob. Peter needs to gather his team so that they can tag into Chicago to take their turn in the fray. 

2. The problem here is that he is juggling two things at once: he’s got to go deal with the mob, but he and Miles are also due to be in Washington DC for Acadec Nationals in a matter of days.

3. Peter is disaster-prone, which means that something needs to go to shit in one of these areas.

Once you get to this stage, you can start tossing in details and timelines, but until you have these guys worked out, all those little details are great, but not especially helpful in establishing a larger narrative. And straight up? They might even be holding you back at this stage.

For example, in the above example, I really want Peter to ride a motorcycle, so I’m gonna cling to that in my head and I can maybe make a note of that in my planning, but I’m not going to fuck with it quite yet. Instead, I’m going to break my two big plot points down.

That could look like this:

1. Wedding is done. Peter now has time to deal with the mob. Peter needs to gather his team so that they can tag into Chicago to take their turn in the fray.

Peter’s TR has 2 times to meet other Team Reds in Chicago.They meet Gwen and Agave first. This goes awkwardly. These two make Peter reflect on his own time with the Gwen Stacy from his verse.

Shit’s awkward af.

Wade likes Agave. Agave flirts with Wade.

Shit remains awkward af.

After this, Peter and Miles have to scram for Acadec.

(end scene)

At this point, I usually throw in an in-between scene as a transition, just so I know how we are getting where we’re going. So I’d say something like:

The next morning, Peter and MJ nearly miss the bus to Washington DC. It works out somehow that the Brooklyn kids end up sharing a bus with the Midtown kids.

Peter and Flash are brought back together.

The tension is unbearable.

Shit gets real.

And now we have worked our way to main plot point 2. Plot point two is broken down similarly,  and then lo and behold! You’ve planned your chapter!!

You may now start the fun, exciting part of writing the piece. And it is here where you start filling in all the spaces in between those works to bring out textures and characterizations and funny bits, sad bits, introspective bits, world building, etc, etc.

Anyways, Idk if that’s helped you at all Tues. I suppose the main thing I’m trying to say here is that when you’re planning a piece, maybe try staying as big picture and broad as possible. Try to avoid too much detail until you’re actually writing the piece (unless you’ve got a very particular/important detail in mind–in which case, note it on the side, but not in the body of the planning draft) and that might help you a little in terms of shortening the planning process.