#pulled out the 'bud (canadian; aggressive)'

[lhazaar]

[cis person voice] well dan savage said—

[babytaes]

reaction to going on a ice cream date with s/o | tbz- ─ ot11 ˎˊ˗

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✧ sangyeon∘* You rested your head on his shoulder and took a deep breath, completely oblivious to the fact that he was loudly devouring his cone. You laughed and snatched his cone, speeding up to get away from his sticky grip.

“Hey, y/n, come back it.” It is not my fault that you ate too quickly. As he caught up to you, he pouted, “Don't take it all.” You laughed and took one last lick before returning it to him.

“You practically ate half of it,” he scoffed as he pushed your shoulder. “It's not my fault you choose such a sexy flavor,” You gave him a sly grin and began walking away in front of him. He stood in his place, furrowed brows, thinking about what you said.

When chasing you, he screamed, "Do you mean me or the ice cream?"

✧ jacob∘*

“Are you okay, love? Did it spill on you?” As he peered over the round table, Jacob was perplexed. You brushed off his remark with a wave of your hand, wiping the creamy essence from your blouse.

You looked out the window at the unknown passers-by who were enjoying the cool summer breeze in their own way. You then turned to face your equally sweet boyfriend, who was looking at you with that lovey dovey look.

“I have the most amazing girlfriend; I can't believe you're all mine.” He grinned so brightly that you were almost blinded. You smirked and joked, "You're going to melt my ice cream if you keep smiling like that!"

“Such a flirt”

✧ younghoon∘*

Don't look at me like; you wanted this.” Younghoon frowned at you and slid closer to you for comfort. The chilly air threaded its way through the bare trees and out into the night.

You patted his head and handed him a spoon as you removed the carton of ice cream from the picnic basket. He grinned and took it and dug into the chocolaty goodness, watching your movements.

You stayed outside for a few more minutes before you couldn't bear it any longer, grabbing your blanket and heading for the door. “I don't know about you, but it's freezing outside, and I can't stand it any longer.”

He sprang to his feet and aimed for the sofa and cuddled into your embrace. 

"Some balcony ice cream date, wouldn't you say?" you shook your head and turned on a movie.

✧ hyunjae∘*

“I guarantee you, cookies and cream was your favorite flavor, not chocolate chip cookie dough.” You shook your head at his remark and went on to say that it was, in fact, your favorite flavor.

“How do you forget such a timeless taste, do you even pay attention to me?” He smirked and showed you a fake smile as he looked up.

"Well, I do bu-".  As you scoffed at his comment, you cut his sentence short with a slap to his arm. “You're some kind of boyfriend, you know what you're paying for this. ”

 As you both headed over to the register to pay, he chuckled and hugged your frame, kissing your cheek, and entwining your fingers.

“You know I was joking, how could I ignore my lovely girlfriend?” As he paid for the cones, you rolled your eyes and leaned in closer to him.

✧ juyeon∘*

Despite his busy schedule of touring and practicing, Juyeon decided to take you out on an ice cream date because he wanted to show you some love on this beautiful Friday night.

As the melting ice cream dripped down the sides of the cone, you licked it. Juyeon squeezed your hand and shifted his gaze to yours. You both came to a complete stop and sat on a park bench.

“Did you know that every time I see you, my heart melts for you?” When you turned to face him, you cringed. Without his cringey yet charming lines, it wouldn't be a Jueyon date.

You kissed his cheek and held him even closer as you gazed towards the vibrant sunset. He wrapped his arms around you and pecked your head while stealing a bite from your cone.

“Hey, keep that tongue to yourself or I'm going to do something you'll regret.  He leaned in and kissed you after eyeing your lips

"Guess I was faster than you!"

✧ kevin ∘*

The crisp Canadian air filled your nostrils as you held Kevin's hand while skipping through the street humming some random tune.  Kevin became amused by your erratic movements and began laughing.

“You must be excited about this ice cream  Miss y/n?” You came to a halt and turned to face him, giving him a duh look. It's not every day that you both have time to see each other, so just being in his presence made you happy.

“Can we go to your neighborhood park after we get our ice cream?” As you walked into the store, he grinned and twirled you around, holding you closer

“That sounds like a good idea, and don't worry, I've got it covered.” You gave him a genuine smile and proceeded to sample all of the delectable flavors!

"This is the best day ever!" you squealed 

✧ new∘*

As the tropical flavor reached your taste buds and made its way down your dry throat, you did a little dance. You glanced at your boyfriend's reaction as you closed your eyes and savored the taste once more.

“You do that every time you eat Mango Magic? Isn't the taste the same? I'm not sure why it's so well-liked.” You covered your mouth with your hand and widened your eyes to take in everything he said.

“You're just saying that because you haven't experienced it." You fired back at him as he sat back in his chair, arms crossed. He snatched your spoon and cup; and then took a bite into the ice cream.

He took another bite, his eyes opened and his brows wrinkled. “Perhaps it IS good?” he said softly as he rubbed the back of his neck and looked down.

With a shake of your head, you retrieved your ice cream.

“May I have yours now?”

✧ q∘*

“Did you know that when you eat, your cheeks resemble chipmunk cheeks?” You rested your hands on your cheeks and stared at him as he ignored everything you said. It had been given to you, food took his focus.

“You do realize the ice cream isn't going anywhere,”  He coughed sharply as he peered through his round glasses. When you saw him wipe his mouth with the napkin, he laughed and grinned.

“Sorry, love, did you say something? As he took the last bite of his ice cream cone, you watched as his squishy cheek rose and fell.

“No, all I said was thank you for having me on this cute date,” you said, waving your hand and giving him a reassuring smile.

He beamed and gently kissed your hand, wiggled his little hands around yours, and set it down on the empty table, admiring the view, which was you, not the ice cream that had been eaten.

✧ juhaknyeon∘*

You sat at the dining table and took a scoop from Ju's mug as he aggressively swatted your spoon away. You pouted and reached for it again, only to be scolded and told to go get your own.

“And here I was planning on complimenting you on being sweeter than ice cream.” You chuckled as he ate his treat and didn't seem to notice your snarky remark.

You smirked and grabbed your keys and phone and pretended to talk on the phone, “Yeah Hyunjae, I'm free, you want to get some ice cream?” I'm so down."

Ju stole your phone and gave you his bowl to share with you before you could even finish your message. You grinned as you grabbed it and dashed to your room, locking the door behind you in retaliation for his earlier stunt.

“Don't eat it all y/n, we can share it please,” he said softly as he rapped on the door. You gave in and opened the door to find him leaning on the wall, where you stretched your hand and both dug into the melted cream, basking in its sugary glory!

✧ sunwoo∘*

He pulled your hand through the crowded streets and gripped it tightly. As you looked at him, your eyes glowed, while he smirked and drew you inside.

“Wait, are we really having a date at The Scooper?” He gave you a gentle kiss on the hand and nodded his head. The Scooper was a well-known ice cream shop in Seoul that everybody has gone to. It was famous for its unusual yet refreshing flavor combinations, as well as its "Make Your Own Flavor" choice. It was a dream come true! 

You teared up and embraced Sunwoo tightly as you repeatedly thanked him. He went over to the register and signed in to get both of your passes. He grabbed your hand and tightened his grip on you.

“Anything for my love, let's go make some ice cream!” You both laughed and made your way to the other side of the door, where the sweet treat awaited you.

✧ eric∘*

As you dodged the ice cream approaching your face, you slapped his wrist. You cocked your head and proceeded to eat your melted ice cream, which had been badly affected by the sweltering heat.

“Out of all the days you could have taken me out on a date, you chose one of the hottest days of the year; excellent work, Eric.” He returned the shot, gasping and pretending to weep while casually glancing at you to see if you were looking at him.

You took out your phone and began capturing his outburst. He snatched his straw and attempted to sulk by putting water droplets by his eyes.

“Hello, world. This is my delirious boyfriend.” He bursted out laughing and started to wipe away the water, and resumed cleaning up his mess while you started cleaning up yours. He took your hands in his and intertwined them.

“You ready to go ice cream girl?” I hope you had a wonderful time with your delusional boyfriend despite the heat.” “Anytime with you is a wonderful time,” you said, while you rested your head on his shoulder.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Masterlink

[fruitcoops]

I love your babysitting jules fic and the tell me how you know your boyfriend won't cheat on you fic. I was thinking, like remus and sirius have a day off and spend it with jules, and sirius goes somewhere and comes back to find remus and jules sleeping on the flour and they look similar and he just smiles.

Idk, hope this makes sense, I love all your fics.

It totally makes sense and it’s super cute! Thanks for such a wonderful suggestion <3 This is Part 4 of Adventures in Babysitting (1 2 3)

Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove!

As much as Sirius loved hockey, he had to admit break days were his favorite part of the week. Most weekends, he and Remus would roll out of bed sometime around eleven, have lunch, go for a walk, and then turn into total couch potatoes if they didn’t have anything important to do.

But they had a kid now, so that plan had to change.

They managed to stay in bed until nine before soft rustling sounds began in Jules’ room—Remus’ aggressive cuddling delayed them for a bit longer, which Sirius did not have any complaints about, but eventually they knew it was time to move.

“Dinner’s at six, right?” Sirius asked as he washed his face while Remus tracked down a t-shirt. Shirtless mornings were another tragic sacrifice while Jules was around.

“Yep. Dumo said we could get there at five-thirty, though. Apparently, Katie’s been dying to see Jules again.” Remus kissed the back of his shoulder as he reached for a toothbrush. “I was thinking we could just let him choose what we do today.”

“Makes it a lot easier on us.”

“And it makes it extra special for him,” Remus mumbled around a mouthful of toothpaste. “We still get veto power, though.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

Jules was still in his bedroom when they went downstairs and for a fleeting moment, Sirius wondered if they had woken up early for nothing. “He’ll be down soon,” Remus said as if he could read his mind, pressing two coffee cups into Sirius’ hands. “All those cool knickknacks in the guest room will keep him distracted for a bit.”

Sure enough, excited footsteps followed a sharp gasp less than ten minutes later. Remus smiled over the rim of his coffee cup and walked over to the pantry to pull out the pancake mix. “Morning—"

“Is it true you won the regional All-Stars when you were in high school?” Jules blurted as he skidded into the kitchen and shoved a small trophy into Sirius’ hands, panting like he had run a mile.

Sirius squinted down at the little figurine; in all honesty, he had forgotten he even had it. “Where did you find this?”

“In the nightstand. Is it true?”

“Uh, yeah, it is.” He set it on the counter with their other random items. “Thanks for finding it, bud.”

Jules glowed under his approval and Remus bit his lip to stifle laughter. “Re, can we have chocolate pancakes?”

“We don’t have any chocolate chips, sorry,” Remus said as he mixed the batter. Liar. Sirius shot him a look, and he stuck out his tongue playfully behind Jules’ back. “We’ve got some fun news, though.”

“What?”

“There’s no practice today and you get to decide what we do.”

Jules’ jaw dropped. “Really?”

“Mhmm.”

“Awesome! Mom and Dad never want to see the cool stuff because they’re busy with museums and games and friends but there are so many places I wanna go,” Jules said in one rushing breath. Sirius blinked in shock, but Remus seemed unfazed as he handed the spatula over. “Thanks!”

“Sure thing.”

“Sirius, what are your favorite places?” Jules turned to him, still licking the spatula like his life depended on it.

Sirius took a moment to think and suppress a smile. “I like the roller rink, and the aquarium, and the park.”

“We already went to the park.”

“We can go again if you want,” he laughed. “You made friends, right?”

“Yeah, but I probably won’t see them again.” Oh, to have a child’s nonchalance when it comes to friends. “The aquarium sounds really neat!”

“It’s pretty cool,” Remus agreed as he ladled out batter into the pan. “They put in a new exhibit recently.”

“Sweet! Can we go now?”

“Don’t you want pancakes?” Sirius asked. “I know I do.”

Jules nodded rapidly. “I do, too. Can I ride on your shoulders?”

“Now?”

“At the aquarium.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“How tall are you?”

Sirius paused, then gave him a conspiratorial look. “Eleven feet tall.”

Remus burst out laughing and nearly burned himself on the pan; Jules rolled his eyes. “Come on. I’m ten, that doesn’t work on me anymore.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Sirius took a sip of coffee. “I’m 191 centimeters tall.”

“Huh?”

“Almost two meters.”

Jules looked over to Remus, who shook his head with a smile. “He’s six foot three, Jules, and he’s messing with you by being fancy and Canadian.”

“How tall are you?” Jules asked, folding his knees under himself to reach the butter with his fork as Remus passed him a plate of pancakes.

Remus sighed. “Five foot eleven and a half.”

“Ha! Short.”

“Shut up, you’re still an Oompa Loompa.”

“I’m more than a foot taller than Oompa Loopmas,” Jules said haughtily, shoveling pancake into his mouth. “I looked it up the last time you called me that.”

“Look at you go! Gold star!”

Sirius cheeks were starting to hurt from holding down his laughter and Remus winked as he passed another plate over. “Thanks, love.”

“Why do couples have nicknames?” Jules asked. “I always thought it was a little weird. Mom and Dad have actual names, but they never really use them. It’s always honey, darling, other sappy stuff.”

Remus shrugged as he sat down with them. “Why do you call me Re? That’s not my full name.”

Jules thought for a second. “Partly because ‘Remus’ sounds like a stuffy old museum name.”

“Oh, and ‘Julian’ doesn’t?” Remus teased. “Usually, people give nicknames because they care about each other. Couples just have an extra level to that.”

��I don’t really like it when people call me by my full name, either,” Sirius added.

Jules frowned. “But people call you by your first name all the time.”

“They do. But my friends usually don’t. There’s Cap, Padfoot, whatever your brother comes up with that day…”

“I call you Sirius.”

“I don’t mind as much when you say it.” Because you’re adorable and I would literally do anything for you. “You can call me whatever you want.”

Jules seemed satisfied by that answer and turned back to his pancakes; Sirius caught Remus quickly looking away when he glanced back up and smiled, giving him a quick nudge with his foot. Baby, Remus mouthed with a slight smirk. Sirius rolled his eyes.

-------------------------------------

The aquarium was busy, but it was a weekend, after all. They only had to wait in line for ten minutes; during that time, Jules made three new friends and every single one of the parents thought he was their son. Even the ticket salesman offered them a family discount that Remus politely declined.

But…it wasn’t a bad thought. Sirius let it ruminate in the back of his mind as he helped Jules onto his shoulders and Remus grabbed a map from the kiosk for when they inevitably got turned around. Definitely not this year, or the next, but someday Sirius did want to say ‘yes’ to the parents and kids discount, though he couldn’t place his finger on why.

And then they reached the whale exhibit. A huge humpback skeleton hung from the ceiling in a smooth curve, its mouth open to reveal perfectly preserved baleen. Jules reached up and trailed his fingers through the space below its massive ribcage—he was too short to touch it still, but the pure awe on his face took Sirius’ breath away more than any deep-sea creature could.

“Baby, can you get a picture of us by the glass?” Remus asked. Ahead of them, a huge tank stretched into a tunnel that lead to the tropical exhibit; Sirius nodded and bent to let Jules down.

“Race you there!” he called, running across the well-worn blue carpet at full tilt. Remus followed him with a laugh and caught him just before they reached the glass, swinging him off his feet by the armpits and turning to face Sirius.

His throat tightened a bit as he took his phone out for the picture. They beamed at him with almost-identical smiles, right down to the dimples. That. That right there, he thought. That’s what I want. “Got it.”

“Awesome, your turn.” Remus put Jules down and began walking over, but an older man motioned to Sirius just before he put his phone away.

“Excuse me, would you like me to get a picture of all three of you?” he asked. A little girl—his granddaughter, perhaps—watched them shyly from behind his legs.

“Oh. Yes, thank you.” Sirius handed him his cell phone and went over to the glass, wrapping one arm around Remus’ waist and draping the other over Jules’ shoulder. They smiled, backlit with blues and greens and aquamarine.

“Alright, I took a few.” The man gave Sirius’ phone back and patted him on the arm as the little girl tugged his sleeve. “You have a beautiful family. Have a good day!”

Sirius didn’t fully snap out of his daze until they were in the tropical tunnel, where fish in colors he could never dream of darted back and forth and fascinated Jules. The aquarium used to be his favorite place in Gryffindor; now, it was probably his favorite place in the world.

Remus led them through a series of corridors, pausing every now and then when Jules scampered toward the next tank, though he seemed to have something on his mind. When Sirius shot him a questioning look, he kissed his cheek and held his hand instead of answering. They wandered past the sting rays, the turtles, and the sharks, until Sirius recognized the multicolored lights from the next room over and stopped in his tracks. “No.”

Remus grinned. “Yeah.”

Jules looked between them in clear confusion. “What?”

“I gotta show you something, c’mere.” Sirius crouched down and helped him back onto his shoulders, then ducked into the adjacent exhibit. Immediately, he heard Jules gasp as jellyfish surrounded them.

“Woah.”

“Isn’t it cool?” His smile was staring to hurt his cheeks. “Here, this in my favorite part.”

Sirius walked to the twelve-foot arch near the middle of the room and stood beneath it, basking in the warmth of the bright lights below as jellyfish of a billion sizes floated overhead. He sighed and leaned his head back slightly to get a better look.

Jules stretched his arms up, trying to touch the glass. “Wow,” he breathed.

When Sirius looked back down, he saw Remus lowering his phone with a small smile. “Had to get a good one,” he said as he stepped under the arch with them and leaned into Sirius’ side. Jules reached down and flipped his baseball cap backwards. “Thanks, buddy.”

“I’ve been waiting to do that for ages.”

“Good to know,” Remus laughed. “Ready to move on?”

“Just a second,” Sirius said, pulling Remus’ arm around his waist. “Just a bit longer. We’ve got nowhere to be but here.”

-----------------------------------------

They did, in fact, have somewhere to be, though Sirius didn’t remember that until 3:30 pm. He also remembered that they were supposed to bring dessert that night and unless Remus wanted to out himself as a liar by busting out the chocolate chips in the cupboard, they needed a plan B.

The grocery store was blessedly empty when he arrived, which meant he could use self-checkout for the two containers of cookies he bought—thank god. As much fun as the aquarium was, there were so many people, and they were everywhere.

I need a nap, he thought as he walked back out to the car and watched his breath steam in the December air. And, like, half an hour by myself to listen to music.

The first thing he noticed was that the house was quiet. Hattie didn’t bark when he got out of the car, or when he unlocked the front door, or called out a hesitant “hello?” while he took his shoes off. Nothing seemed amiss, other than the fact that Jules had been bouncing off the walls when he left.

The living room held the answers to all his questions. Hattie was passed out on the couch, splayed with her belly to the ceiling. Jules and Remus were asleep on the carpet with The Fellowship of the Ring between them; clearly, they had been mid-chapter when they dozed off. Sirius set the cookies on the counter and carefully slid the book out of Remus’ hands, setting it on the coffee table before pulling the thick knitted blanket off the couch.

Hattie grumbled at him and cracked an eye open. “Shhh,” he said softly, kissing her forehead before laying the blanket over the other two. They looked so alike—their hair was nearly the same shade, and Jules’ jaw was only slightly narrower than Remus’. Sirius bet that in ten years, it would be hard to tell them apart in photos.

He crept upstairs and set a timer for 4:30. James had recommended a new band ten minutes before midnight, and Sirius figured he should at least give it a shot if it was so important. He grabbed his headphones, pressed play, and let out a deep breath as he sank back into the pillows.

Half an hour went by too fast, and before he knew it the alarm was ringing instead of the steady bass of the new song. He squinted at the clock, praying it would be wrong, and sighed when he saw that technology had won out once again.

Remus and Jules were still asleep on the floor, though they had cuddled closer at some point and the blanket nearly covered Jules entirely. Sirius crouched down next to Remus and brushed his hair off his forehead before gently shaking his shoulder. “Re. Sweetheart, it’s time to get up.”

“No,” Remus murmured.

“Come on, mon loup, dinner’s in an hour.”

“ ‘m tired. C’mere.”

“I would love to, but we promised Dumo we’d be there.”

“Sirius?” Jules blinked up at him sleepily.

“Hey, buddy.”

“We hafta get up?”

“Don’t listen to him,” Remus said without opening his eyes.

“Love you, too,” Sirius laughed quietly. “I got cookies.”

“Cookies?” Jules sat up fully at that and rubbed his eyes; Remus groaned and rolled onto his back.

“Technically, they’re for after dinner, but an exception can be made.”

Remus stared at him for a moment, then sighed and held his hands up as Jules hurried into the kitchen. “Alright, fine.”

Sirius pulled him to his feet and kissed his forehead. “We’ve got about forty-five minutes before we need to head out, okay?”

“So we could’ve napped for thirty more.”

“You could, but then you’d both be cranky.” Sirius leaned back to look into the kitchen. “Just one, Jules! Save some for Katie and the others!”

There was a beat of silence, then a heavy sigh. “Okay.”

“Thank you.”

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ waist and leaned his forehead against his chest, nuzzling into his sweatshirt. “You’re so soft. And warm.”

“It’s a gift.”

“Perfect place to take a nap.”

“Oh, no you don’t.” Sirius carefully detached Remus’ grip and he exhaled slowly.

“Thank you for picking up cookies, baby. Was there anything else we needed to bring?”

“Just ourselves.” He placed another kiss to his cheek and Remus stretched his arms over his head.

“Oof. Okay. I’ll go get a different shirt on and wrangle the kid if you want to find a plate to pretend the cookies are ours.”

“You read my mind,” Sirius said, earning himself a proper kiss before Remus turned and headed into the kitchen.

---------------------------------------------

They pulled into Dumo’s driveway at 5:40, which wasn’t bad, all things considered. Jules and Katie disappeared in a hurricane of excited rambling as soon as the door opened and Dumo burst out laughing the second he saw them. “Welcome to parenthood,” he said, pulling them each in for a hug. “How are you liking your free trial?”

“I’ve never been more exhausted in my life.” Remus shook his head as he took his coat off. “But I love it, for some reason.”

“That sums it up.” Celeste stood on her tiptoes to kiss each of Sirius’ cheeks. “Did you bring dessert?” He wordlessly held the plate out and she raised an eyebrow. “You remembered at…4 pm.”

“3:30.”

“You’re getting better, mon fils. Marc, Adele, come set the table!” Upstairs, two different sets of footsteps tumbled over each other as they came running down the stairs; both crashed into Sirius for hugs, just like they had when he first moved in.

“Bonjour,” he laughed, squeezing them tight and planting kisses to the tops of their heads. “I hope Regulus hasn’t been driving you too crazy.”

“I think he’s still asleep,” Adele said as she stepped back. Celeste shooed them both toward the dining room as Sirius raised his eyebrows.

“Un moment, s’il vous plait.” Dumo and Remus wandered off to supervise the kids while Sirius headed for the basement door. Regulus was nearly twenty years old—it wasn’t like he needed those blankets at six in the evening, anyway, and Sirius was only too happy to give him a rousing wake-up call. It was his right as an older brother. 

[thebachelordiaries]

Clare seeks HIMBO: ‘The Bachelorette’ cast first impressions

The Covid-19 pandemic has been rough for the entire world, but Bachelor Nation faced some dark days too. Going eight months without a single new episode from The Bachelor franchise is something I would really like to not relive.

Fortunately, those dark days are over. Clare’s season has me sucked back in. 

The quality of this image is atrocious.

Most of these men—presuming they followed CDC’s social distancing guidelines— haven’t seen a woman in months, are touch deprived, possibly unemployed and contemplating moving back to their hometown while stalking the housing market on Zillow. Everyone’s desperate. That makes for some pretty good TV.

This season features men ranging from ages 26 to 41. We’ve got a boy band manager, a grooming specialist, several men who look like they masturbate in front of full length mirrors and even more who probably want me to join their MLM pyramid scheme. 

I’ve never been more ready to roast a bunch of men who have nightmares about going bald. It’s all I’ve wanted to do since March.

Let’s go:

AJ, 28, Software sales

AJ is the kind of guy who writes “Looking for the Pam to my Jim <3″ on his Bumble profile. His bio is generic and probably not reflective of who he is as a person. If I were Clare I’d swipe left.

Ben, 29, Army ranger veteran

“Ben's favorite indulgence is an ice bath.“ Well then.

Alexa, play “Run” by AWOLNATION.

Bennett, 36, Wealth management consultant

Bennett’s profile is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. This man says he is the total package but hasn’t always been "this successful and good looking.” But wait, there’s more: “According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he's ever had to work for.“

Can someone tell me what NYC neighborhood he lives in so I can blacklist it?

Blake M1, 31, Male grooming specialist

Blake’s just another stereotypical “29th round draft pick who sat on the bench of the practice team before getting cut, but claims he left the sport due to an injury on his own accord.” 

Blake M2, 29, Wildlife manager

This Blake is an outdoorsy Canadian who seems pretty genuine and cool. Unfortunately, he has the face of someone who’d get sent home on night one. I hope I’m wrong.

Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Just another boring hot person. Nothing to see here.

Brendan, 30, Commercial roofer

Brandan, not to be confused for Brandon, “loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends.” I can’t even make fun of this man. We have the exact same interests. 

Chasen, 31, IT account executive

The Winklevoss twins are actually triplets and Chasen is their long lost brother. But more seriously, have you ever seen someone who looks more like their name than this man?

Chris, 27, Landscape design salesman

“Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing.” Chris, sweetheart, have you met Clare? Easygoing...? There’s still time back out of this before it’s too late.

Dale, 31, Former pro football wide receiver

Dale aggressively screams “Bachelor material.” I’d say he’s auditioning for that role but Matt James already scooped it up. Better luck next year, Daley.

Demar, 26, Spin cycling instructor

Demar is a “very popular spin instructor in Scottsdale and says he can get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way.” Imagine how many trophy wives Demar has f*cked? 

Eazy, 29, Sports marketing agent

Eazy is very similar to Dale on paper. Except his name is Eazy so he automatically loses that battle.

Ed, 33, Health care salesman

“Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed deserves to die alone.

Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Garin’s bio is giving me hubby material vibes. And maybe a little bit of a “gets eliminated on night one” vibe too.

Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

Ivan, what are you doing here? We’re in a recession. Please go back to your normal job before it’s too late. 

Jason, 31, Former pro football linemen

“He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life.” A big, brawny HIMBO with CTE? I feel like he’s Clare’s type.

Jay, 29, Fitness director

There are too many things about Jay that I dislike and I’m trying to keep this brief. Jay says “it's time to take a break from worrying about others and focus on himself instead.” I am willing to bet money that this man has never made a woman c*m.

Jeremy, 40, Banker

Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on "The Bachelorette,” which may seem like a monuments accomplishment but he’s literally only one year older than Clare. 

He also “hates Instagram models, both male and female,” so he should have a lot of fun here.

Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Before I even saw his profession and location, I thought Joe looked like a doctor I’d find on a NYC dating app...and...uh...I probably did see him on there now that I think about it.

Anyway, this man has apparently been through seven stages of hell while on the front lines fighting Covid-19 in NYC so I definitely think he deserves to find love. Someone marry him please.

Jordan C, 26, Software account executive

I can already tell Jordan is going to get the “I’m young but mature” edit which means he’s probably not going to be good TV.

Too bad someone a tad younger (like Tayshia) wasn’t the Bachelorette. I feel like they’d make a cute couple.

Jordan M., 30, Cyber security engineer

I was going to say something mean but Jordan’s into cyber security and I don’t want my blog to be deactivated, so never mind. Cast photos are historically bad so I’m sure he looks much better in real life.

Kenny, 39, Boy band manager

I could go for the obvious drags regarding this man’s profession (or his sh*tty chest tattoo, or his suspiciously boyish face relative to his age), but I like to think I’m more clever than that. 

I’d like to take this time to talk about men, who are obviously difficult people, who rant and rave about how they want an “easygoing” woman. Look into the mirror, bud. No, not the one you use to jerk off to your reflection; the mirror that looks into your soul. Out of respect for the rest of humankind, have some self-awareness. Or maybe just see a therapist.

Mike, 38, Digital media advisor

Mike is seemingly a decent catch, but I can’t help but wonder why he’s still single or how he never (accidentally or on purpose) impregnated a woman in his 38 years of life. 

And now that I’m thinking about it, do any of these men have children? I have yet to see any mention of it in their bios. But there are eight men left to review, so there’s still time.

Page, 37, Chef

I spoke too soon. Page is a father! He also hates football! I’m a fan of this man. I was initially going to drag him for his name and say that Page is not a real name. PAIGE is a real name. PAGE is a piece of paper. I’m allowed to say this because we have the same name except mine is spelled the correct way. Based on my (mostly positive) review of his cast bio, I have decided not to hold his name against him.

Riley, 30, Long Island City

Riley, once married with children, would like to go on a family vacation that consists of touring every single MLB stadium in the country. If i were his wife, I would simply never give this man children.

Robby, 30, Insurance broker

No more Robbys on The Bachelorette. Society has evolved past its need for more Robbys.

This Robby described his dream woman as: “Incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won't mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course.”

Someone please give this man a sex doll. He just wants a hole.

Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

“Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and a cowboy by night.” How does that make him a lawyer? Does this mean he’s into cosplay? I’m confused.

Tyler S., 36, Music manager

Tyler makes an honorable living off riding his brother’s dick success as a country singer. “He just LOVES his job!” Uh yeah, I would too if I had a low-show, high-paying job off the merits of nepotism. It’s the American dream.

Yosef, 30, Medical device salesman

Another dad! He’s totally going to pull the “girl dad” narrative. That saying is kind of sexist to me but the masses generally eat it up, so I’m fairly confident Yosef will get the "sweet guy” edit he’s looking for.

Zac C., 36, Addiction specialist

“He loves Philadelphia sports and dreams of sharing a Philly Cheesesteak with his future wife while watching the Eagles win a Super Bowl.” This man is so South Jersey it hurts. 

On a more serious note, I don’t think anyone in recent history has spoken openly about their personal struggle with addiction on this show, so I hope Zac gets a chance to tell his story. 

Zach J., 37, Cleaning service owner

Zach is seemingly obsessed with Clare already and hopes to introduce her to his mom as his fiancée. Since Zach watched Clare on Juan Pablo’s season, you’d think he’d know that Clare would first meet his mom during the final four hometown dates. Assuming he makes it that far. My prediction is that he won’t.

Final thoughts

After eight long months Bachelor Mondays are back!!!

Uhh....wait.

Actually, we now have the less-exciting Bachelor Tuesdays. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it. But I’ll take anything at this point.

Here are my final predictions:

First impression rose: Dale. It just looks like he can turn on the bullsh*t charm

Final rose: Jason. Clare wants a HIMBO I just know it.

Bachelor: nobody (Matt James is The Bachelor)

Most likely to get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise: Blake M2

Most likely to get canceled online: Bennett

Most likely to get sent home night one but deserve better: Chris

Who are your favorite men cast on this season?

[writinggeisha]

According to Thomas Fuller, the devil lies brooding in the miser’s chest. Rod Stewart said that a person has to have a burning desire in the chest to succeed. And then there’s Erma Bombeck, who quipped, “What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”

An overweight man or out-of-shape bodybuilder might have pecs that move and look like flabby breasts. A female stevedore or competitive swimmer might develop a muscular torso that appears more masculine than feminine.

In several areas of this post I created separate headings for chests and breasts. However, you might prefer to apply words differently, sometimes for comedic effect.

When considering descriptors, pay attention to opinion adjectives and how they affect point of view.

Emotion Beats

Before reviewing the following beats, note that he crossed his arms across his chest can be shortened to he crossed his arms.

Many readers will associate a puffed-out chest with aggression or arrogance, but they might not see a clear association with delight or determination. Ensure suitable context for vague emotion beats.

Aggression Puffed-out chest

Aggrievement, distress Shoulders slumped inward over chest Chest, neck, and face flush and feel hot

Agitation, nervousness Clutching papers against chest

Amazement Holding a hand against chest

Anger Thrusting chest forward, fists propped on hips

Anticipation Holding a hand against chest

Anxiety Tightness in the chest

Arrogance Puffed-out chest

Confidence, scorn, smugness Puffed-out chest Light feeling in the chest

Conflict Tightness in the chest

Confusion Tightness in the chest

Contempt Puffed-out chest

Defeat, desperation, discouragement When emotion is intense: chest pains or numbness accompanied by thumping heart

Defensiveness Pressing chin against chest Holding both hands over chest, shoulders hunched inward

Delight, euphoria Puffed-out chest Heart drumming in chest

Depression Hollow sensation in chest

Desire Heart fluttering in chest

Determination Puffed-out chest

Disappointment Tightness in chest

Dread, fear, terror Chest pains Clutching chest with one or both hands Heavy sensation, tingling in chest Closed posture, arms and fists pulled into chest

Embarrassment Tightness in chest Drooping posture, chest pulled inward

Envy, jealousy Heartburn burbling up into chest

Excitement Chest-bumping with another person or persons

Frustration, irritation Tightness in chest

Gratitude Placing one hand over chest (heart)

Guilt, shame Tightness in chest Lowering chin to chest

Happiness Placing both hands over chest

Hatred Tightness in chest When emotion is intense: chest pains or numbness accompanied by thumping heart

Hopefulness Placing both hands over chest Humiliation Tightness and pain in chest

Insecurity Holding a familiar item of comfort against the chest (stuffed animal, lucky charm, photo of a loved one, etc.)

Overwhelm Sitting or sleeping in fetal position, with knees drawn close to chest

Pride Puffed-out chest

Regret Tightness in chest Massaging shoulder or chest

Resentment Tightness in chest

Sadness Tightness in chest Heavy sensation in chest Massaging shoulder or chest

Satisfaction Puffed-out chest

Sexual attraction Embracing someone, with full chest-to-chest contact

Shame Tightness in chest Shoulders hunched forward over chest

Shock, surprise Quickly clutching chest with one or both hands

Sympathy Crossing hands over chest and curling shoulders inward

Adjectives, Both Chests and Breasts

A to C Abnormal, adolescent, amazing, ample, armored, athletic, bare, beautiful, blood-caked, bloodied, bloodstained, boyish, brazen, bristly, bruised, bulging, bulky, bushy, childish, chubby, clean, cold, compact

D and E Damp, defined, deformed, delicate, developed, developing, diminutive, divine, effeminate, elongated, emaciated, empty, enchanting, enormous

F and G Fabulous, fat, feminine, fevered, flat, flawless, fleshy, fragile, frail, frosty, frozen, full, furry, gleaming, glossy, glowing, gorgeous, grimy, grizzled

H to M Hairless, hairy, hard, healthy, hideous, hirsute, hot, icy, ideal, immense, impressive, inflamed, insubstantial, iridescent, leathery, magnificent, marvelous, massive, meager, motionless

N to R Naked, narrow, outstanding, painful, perfect, phenomenal, prodigious, prominent, proud, puny, raw, repugnant, resilient, rock-hard

S Sexy, shaggy, shallow, shapely, shiny, shirtless, shrunken, slack, slender, slimy, slippery, smooth, sodden, sopping, sore, splendid, sticky, stunning, superb, sweaty

T to V Tempting, titanic, T-shirted, unattractive, underdeveloped, unimpressive, unprotected, unremarkable, unusual, veined, velvety, voluminous

W to Y Warm, well-defined, well-fleshed, well-proportioned, wet, wondrous, wrinkled, wrinkly, young, youthful

Adjectives Breasts Only

A to D Akimbo, alert, alluring, ample, barren, blubbery, bold, braless, budding, buoyant, busty, buxom, chaste, chesty, conspicuous, dainty, delectable, delicate, diminutive, dry

E to L Empty, enchanting, enlarged, exuberant, fake, firm, flabby, flaccid, free, generous, gigantic, girlish, heavy, high, huge, immature, jaunty, large, little, lopsided, lovely, lumpy, luscious, lush

M to R Maternal, mature, miniscule, modest, monstrous, nascent, numb, oversized, padded, pendulous, perky, pert, plump, pretty, ripe, rotund

S Saggy, sensitive, shriveled, small, smallish, soft, succulent, sweet, swollen

U to W Unbound, unencumbered, unfettered, upright, upstanding, useless, virginal, voluptuous, well-endowed, withered

Adjectives, Chests only

A to F Angular, athletic, bearish, beefy, bony, brawny, broad, buff, built, bullish, burly, cadaverous, carved, chiseled, clear, confident, congested, deep, expansive, frail

G to O Gangly, gaunt, handsome, hard, haughty, hench, Herculean, hollow, hulking, lean, male, mammoth, manly, masculine, matted, meaty, mighty, musclebound, muscular, obdurate, overdeveloped

P to R Powerful, puffed-out, rasping, raspy, resonant, ribbed, rickety, rigid, robust, rugged

S Scrawny, sculpted, serviceable, sinewy, skeletal, skinny, sleek, slick, solid, sonorous, strapping, streamlined, strong, stubbly, sturdy, sunken

T to W Taut, thick, thin, tight, tough, unyielding, valiant, vast, weak, well-muscled, wheezy, wide

Similes and Metaphors

Rather than copy any of the following, leverage them as ideas for your own phrasing.

Breasts like twin doorknobs

Breasts like twin watermelons

Breasts more wrinkled than last year’s apple crop

Breasts that bounce like water balloons

Chest as blocky as a chest of drawers

Chest flatter than a smushed bug

Chest hairier than a barber’s floor

Desire that burns like a wildfire in his chest

Fear cinched her chest tighter than any corset ever could

Grief—an anvil crushing his chest

Heart beating in her chest like a butterfly trapped in a net

Shock pierced his chest like a lightning bolt

Upper body like a bulldog’s chest

Colors

Torsos that spend hours bared in the sun will mirror the color and tone of a character’s neck and face.

If a character keeps the upper body covered most of the time, it will be lighter in color—humor fodder for Canadian or Icelandic protagonists, perhaps?

B to W Bronzed, coppery, creamy, crimson, dark, fair, freckled, lily-white, milky, orange, pale, pallid, patchy, pink, rosy, sallow, salt-and-pepper, snow-white, snowy, speckled, swarthy, tanned, tawny, white-haired

See also the Color/Tone section of 300+ Words to Describe Skin.

Scents

Exposure to many substances will cause a person’s chest to retain the aroma, often affecting first impressions.

If a woman, who has referred to herself as a “single virgin” in a matchmaking app, arrives with the smells of baby powder and spit-up emanating from her cleavage, her prospective date might suspect she isn’t telling the truth. A CEO whose chest smells like wet dog might trigger a sneezing fit and subsequent avoidance by a prospective investor.

A to D Almonds, antiseptic, baby oil, baby powder, bacon bits, a bakery, barfed-up booze, bat guano, the beach, body wash, burnt flesh, C4, camphor oil, cat food, chocolate milk, coffee grounds, cookie dough, depilatory, diaper cream, dirty socks, dog breath

E to R Egg salad, a forest glen, formaldehyde, goose grease, Grandma’s kitchen, gunpowder, halitosis, honey, kerosene, K-Y Jelly, lamp oil, lemon frosting, maple syrup, musty beard, old books, a one-night stand, orange peels, peppermint tea, pilfered doughnuts, pipe tobacco, rancid coconut oil, road kill, rotten cheese, salad dressing

S to W Sandalwood, sawdust, shampoo, a skunk, soap, a sour dishrag, sour milk, a spice rack, spit-up, stinky towels, strawberries, sunblock, sweat, talcum powder, tar, tent canvas, too much cologne, vanilla, wet dog

Shapes

Many shapes in this short list can refer to both chests and breasts.

A to W Asymmetrical, barrel-chested, bell-shaped, blocky, concave, conical, convex, domed, flat, misshapen, pear-shaped, pigeon-chested, pointed, pointy, round(ed), shapeless, teardrop, triangular, wedge-shaped, well-rounded

Verbs (1) Transitive

These verbs take direct objects. A character’s chest might burn with desire, fill with air, or strain against shackles.

A to S Ache (from, with), brush (against), burn with, engorge with, fill with, heave (against, into), peek out of, press against, resemble, rub (against), scrape against, slam (into), strain against, support

Verbs (2) Intransitive

The verbs in this section don’t require an object. A chest might balloon, congest, or expand. Period.

A to G Ache, appear, balloon, bead with, bleed, bounce, bulge, burn, clog (up), collapse, congest, constrict, dangle, deflate, distend, drip, expand, freeze, gleam, glisten, glitter, glow

H to T Hang, hurt, itch, jut, leak, perspire, prickle, protrude, rattle, relax, ripple, sag, shine, shrink, sink, spasm, strain, sweat, tickle, tighten

Verbs (3): Verbs that Take Chest/Breast or Chests/Breasts as an Object

Examples:

Serafina bandaged her chest with strips torn from her petticoat.

Brad thumped his chest. “Nobody tells me what to do.”

An arrow pierced the knight’s chest.

A to H Adorn with, bandage, bare, batter, beat (at, on), blanket with, claw at, clutch, compress, cover, crush, cut, decorate with, display, draw on, expand, expose, feel, flash, hold, hug

I to S Inflate, lacerate, massage, paint, palpate, pierce, poke, press (against), puff (out, up), punch, push, shake, shave, slash, slather with, slice, squeeze, stab, strike, swath (in, with)

T to W Thrust out, thump, touch, uncover, unveil, wax, wound

Nouns, Both Chests and Breasts

N to T Nipples, pecs, pectorals, thorax

Refer to the next two sections as well for suitable nouns.

Nouns, Chests Only

You might (usually in poetry or older works) find breast used as a replacement for chest, as in: He beat upon his breast.

Compared to the plethora of slang and vulgar terms coined by authors for breast(s), I discovered a dearth of similar words for chest. Prompt for an opinion editorial, perhaps?

B to T Breast, Chewbacca sweater, gorilla torso, lung carpet, man boobs, manpelt, manssier-stuffer, muscleini, rib cage, thorax, torso, trunk

Find more words by googling slang terms for chest.

Nouns, Breasts Only

If your character is an uncouth jerk, you might be able to get away with using some of the rude words of this section in dialogue. Otherwise, you’ll invite the ire of readers. As Shakespeare’s Falstaff said, “Discretion is the better part of valor.”

If you need more offensive words, google derogatory terms for breasts or offensive names for breasts.

B to F Bazookas, boobs, bosom, bra stuffers, breast-o-raunts, bust, buzzums, casabas, chesticles, chi-chis, cleavage, Daddy’s playground, double-Ds, flotation devices

G to X The girls, healthy lungs, hooters, jugs, knockers, mammary glands, mammas, mammilla, melons, milk tanks, mosquito bites, num-nums, ta-tas, teats, tits, twins, wardrobe malfunctions, XL lungs

Props

Props augment a story or twist it in new directions. Try some of these to add humor, pathos, or intrigue.

A to I Angina, beard that reaches to or covers the chest, broken rib, cancer, chest cold, COPD, cough, CPR, crumbs, emphysema, extra nipple, glitter, honey, huge nipples, inflammation

L to W Laceration, mastectomy, mastitis, measuring tape, missing nipple, muscle shirt, nipple piercing, pneumonia, scabs, scar, sequins, tattoos, wart

Clichés and Idioms

Chest … chest … chest … breast … breast … breast …

Excessive repetition? Maybe you’ve incorporated too many clichés and idioms. Try these replacements.

Bare one’s breast [verb]: admit/show vulnerability

Beat (on, upon) one’s chest/breast [verb]: bewail, lament, mourn, regret

Close to one’s chest [adj]: confidential, hush-hush, secret

Get off one’s chest [verb]: admit, confess, reveal

Make a clean breast of it [verb]: admit, confess, reveal

Strong enough to put hair on one’s chest [adj]: powerful, pungent

Take a spear in the chest [verb]: admit, concede, confess

Thump one’s chest [verb]: bluster, boast, brag, swagger

[13-lazy-grins]

Sample (tell me what you think)

Her tears roll down her face, that beautiful sculpted visage. Over her cheek, they roll. I genuinely feel bad. At first. Then something funny happens. I begin to enjoy it. She loves me so much. Joy roils in my stomach and I’m fighting the urge to laugh. I like watching the pain of others. It makes me happy. I won’t ever kill though because that’s not what I want. Being stuck in bars getting buttfucked by twelve different guys. Or maybe taking advantage of power and fucking the waifish guys.I don’t like the shape of men’s asses. I had that nightmare and decided I would stay on the right side of the law, where women existed.

Women have shaped me, molded me into what they wanted. In kindergarten, my earliest memories were that of kissing a blond girl with blue eyes. They always drew me to them. In kindergarten that blond girl’s exoticness excited me in ways I couldn’t explain, because; I was so young. I thought sex was for perverted perverts. I always hung out with the girls at lunch or on recess, and this behavior carried on well into high school. I remember the first time I kissed her. Miranda was her name.

I was playing with my toys and then she caught my eye, the way she moved and her pink lips sitting pleasantly on her mature visage. The teacher was off in the corner preparing paper work as I recall. I walked up to her and asked her to show me her twirler that lit up when a button was pressed. We walked behind the tall stack of playmats and she twirled it. We had just eaten lunch and I became acquainted with soy sauce and the concept of low viscosity. It had drenched my rice. I leaned over and kissed those lips that drew me toward her, their strange power. She giggled and our tongues danced, soy sauce filling my taste buds. We laughed and continued to swirl our tongues inside each other’s mouths.

We moved to Oldville for my father’s forestry work. For another four years of my life I lived in a small town, populated by entrenched locals. People who had lived there for generations. In my entire time in Oldville, I saw one black kid. As a Native American this place was hell for me. Canadians aren’t racist in the usual way, calling people dirty n*****s or drunken Indians. They hide it deep down, where they harbor passive racism for people like me. This is a much harder racism to deal with, they attribute their dislike to another trait you may have. I didn’t care much for it, and as a result I got into fights daily. I distinctly remember a group of white boys ganging up on me in the corner of the playground. Perhaps this is where I got my natural aggressive nature, or I was born with it. In any case Oldville is where I formed my identity, social outcast, a person who lives on the edges of society looking in. I knew I was different. I hung out with girls most of the time, occasionally playing sports with the boys. I was the one who suggested contact football, our own version of it.

Of course, I suggested of tackling and tripping as part of legal play. Most of the time it descended into a scrap. I loved the violence and competition. When my team began to win, they teamed up on me and played dirty tricks, I mostly ignored them. My favourite teacher was Muhly, an older lady. We would argue and scream at each other in the middle of class. In school myths circulated around our arguments, apparently, I had called her a bitch, and told her to go fuck herself. Those were good times. We bonded over our arguments. I respected her frame and cool under pressure, and she must have admired my rebellious nature and intellect. I achieved straight A’s that year. Grade 6 was also the year where I met my first. She had brown hair and a charming body to my young inexperienced eyes. We took a walk in the forest one day after school and she pulled a condom out of her bag. I learned in grade 3 that was how adults stopped pregnancies. What was she doing with it? I began to blush and kissed her. It happened pretty naturally, I remember intense paranoia at being discovered. I didn’t come the first time, and I fell limp from pressure. Was I doing it right? I enjoyed our times together.

 Five years pass.

 It’s raining. I’m in the cafeteria with my usual crew. Kellan, Mo, and the rest of the squad. They come and go, but this is my social group. Outside it storms, rain falling down the windows and streaking the grey sky. Steve is telling me about his time with a girl. We talk with schoolboy giddiness only reserved for talking about girls.

“I didn’t know what she wanted, we just talked in the library a couple of times.” He says. I frown, confused and dumbfounded. I am sure that he went farther with her, but then again this is the first girl he’s dated.

“Well did you guys at least kiss or do any heavy petting?” I comically make a vulgar hand motion. The boys smirk and look at him intently for a response.

“No, nothing man. It’s like she didn’t know what she wanted.” He says and this puzzle me. She dresses skimpy but doesn’t move fast. Intriguing. This is possibly the first girl I have met that takes it slow even when she consciously garners attention with her clothes. She makes the boys crazy, turns us into animals.

“You must have at least held hand,” Mohammed smirks.

“Nope.” Steve says with a distant look in his eye. He regrets something. If I had to make an educated guess he did not take any risks with her. Talked to her politely and made no move on her. She got bored. He is blaming her for not kissing.

“You missed a real opportunity,” Kellan tells him.

I see her immediately across the cafeteria. A short skirt lines her shapely thighs and knee high socks clad around her legs bringing my eyes on her skin. Fuck she’s every teenage boy’s dream. “She’s right there,” I say to Steve. He hunches down and says, “Yeah.” Silken smooth porcelain, I’m a colored person so the white attracts me more. Something exotic to me.

“You missed a REAL opportunity,” Kellan repeats. We laugh and Steve smiles and looks up, leaning back. We talk a few more minutes about things happening around the school. I watch her as she sits down at a table and starts talking and laughing with her friends. I’m the only one facing her, all three of my friends line the other side of the table. She turns her head and looks at me. I do not look away. I’m not sure if she’s looking at me but it certainly looks like it. For about 6 seconds we share eye contact and I wonder if she can see all the terrible, X-rated, imagined scenarios racing through my dirty mind. Stranger and Green Eyes in the Biology Lab. She looks down and returns her vision to her friends.

It’s frowned upon by general morality to date a girl that your friend has dated. But I never gave a fuck about morality. I’m an edgy teenager.

We leave the lunchroom and I am preoccupied with her. Images of her flash around my mind as I ascend the stairs to chemistry. She stopped dating Steve because he did not make a move. That is something to remember. If I can I will kiss her. Not too fast or I might frighten her and that will be the last thing I want. I cannot wait until I can see the tears stream down her face as I leave her. She loves attention. She held gazes. She came to the lunchroom for some unknown reason, she never comes down there. She has such lovely skin. Her clothes are stylish. Her demeanor draws me toward her. She inspires fatherly tendencies in me. I am not too sure how those desires translate into insatiable sexual appetite for her. I fucking want her more than anything.

[blockheadbrands]

Buzzes & Bummers: 2018 Was a Wild Ride in the World of Cannabis

David Bienenstock of Leafly Reports:

It took a whole lot of rolling (joints) and scrolling (old news feeds) to complete a thorough review of the most important, inspiring and infuriating stories about cannabis from the past year—and no doubt I still missed a few along the way. In my defense, 2018 has been a wild ride in the world of weed, a 12-month timespan which truly could be called “the best of times and the worst of times,” or perhaps just the highest and lowest of times.

My personal year in cannabis began on New Year’s Day, when I waited in line along with countless other Californians to buy some cannabis on the first day of legal adult-use sales. The fact that I was already stoned before I made my purchase would seem to indicate that it wasn’t exactly difficult to find cannabis in the Golden State prior to this momentous occasion, but that’s kind of besides the point.

And cannabis just kept getting legal-er and legal-er all year, including in Vermont, Michigan, Missouri, Utah, and the entire nation of Canada (see more below). Election Night also ushered in new, pro-legalization governors in so-far not legalized Illinois, Connecticut, Maine, Minnesota, and New Mexico, and also saw the defeat of staunch cannabis opponent Pete Sessions, who’s been blocking cannabis legislation for years.

And then you scroll a little further down and discover that the new Farm Bill is going to legalize hemp farming in the United States for the first time in eighty years (huzzah!). Or that Big Tobacco just invested $2.4 billion dollars in the weed business (fuck!). Or that Thailand is blazing a trail in Asia—where cannabis laws are often draconian and harshly enforced—by legalizing medical use (yes!). Or assholes like recently retired Speaker of the House John Boehner think that after decades of pushing prohibition they deserved to get rich off cannabis (oh, hell no!).

It’s honestly hard to know what to think these days. Perhaps my new year’s resolution for 2019 will be more rolling, less scrolling! But until then, here are the buzzes and bummers 2018 had to offer.

Buzz: Vermont Legalizes Adult-Use Cannabis

Less than two weeks into 2018, Vermont lawmakers gave final approval to a bill legalizing adult-use cannabis, and the governor subsequently signed it into law, making it the first state to end prohibition through the legislature rather than a direct vote of citizens.

Bummer: Big Tobacco Makes Moves in Cannabis

It’s no longer a question of if Big Tobacco and the booze barons will enter the cannabis market, but rather how aggressively they’ll move in and how much market share they’ll manage to gobble up.

Neither corporate giant lifted a finger to help legalize cannabis or bring justice to the millions of people who’ve been incarcerated or had their lives disrupted as a result of prohibition.

In August, Constellation Brands (brewers of Corona beer) spent $4 billion to massively up their stake in Canopy Growth, which in 2014 became the first publicly traded cannabis company in North America, and now lists on both the New York Stock Exchange and the Toronto Stock Exchange.

And then in December, Altria (formerly Phillip Morris) made a $1.8 billion investment in Cronos, a Canadian cannabis company, which includes an option to take a controlling stake in the future. As first reported by Leafly, Altria has “over the past five years quietly patented dozens of devices that could be used to consume marijuana, a review of public documents at the US Patent and Trademark Office shows.”

Important to note: Neither corporate giant lifted a finger to help legalize cannabis or bring justice to the millions of people around the world who’ve been incarcerated or had their lives disrupted as a result of prohibition. And Altria in particular comes to the table with a long track record of corporate malfeasance, which is why they changed their name in the first place.

Buzz: Bong Wick Fighting Crime

On September 6, four men burst into the Recreational Cannabis Farmers Market in Shannonville, Canada, spraying a can of bear mace and screaming “get down.” The plan was allegedly to rob the place blind, but as they say in the action movies, these punks picked the wrong dispensary.

Despite being outnumbered and taken by surprise, John Wick—the store’s clerk—reached down below the register, pulled out a borosilicate glass bong, and prepared to defend his turf. As captured in the store’s surveillance video, the four cowardly criminals were clearly no match for a good guy with a bong.

Bummer: The Cost of Legal CBD

What would you call someone who spends $32,500 a year on cannabis that doesn’t get you high? GW Pharmaceuticals will soon call them customers, because that’s how much patients are estimated to shell out for Epidiolex, a cannabis-derived treatment for seizure disorders that was approved in June by the FDA, rescheduled by the DEA in September (though only Epidiolex was rescheduled, not CBD itself) and is currently moving rapidlythrough phase III clinical trials.

There’s nothing to justify the sky-high price (about $90 per day) beyond the cost of research and development to win FDA approval.

Marinol (synthetic THC) has been available by prescription since 1986, and other synthetic cannabinoid drugs are in the works, but Epidiolex is the first plant-derived pharmaceutical to reach the US market. It was fast tracked through the approval process in response to parents of severely epileptic children pushing for a way to legally use CBD, after seeing it work wonders for children profiled in a 2013 CNN documentary called Weed, hosted by Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

Bringing pharmaceutical CBD to market will make it available to patients in every state (with a doctor’s prescription), allow it to be covered by health insurance, and guarantee a product that’s produced to high standards.

But there’s nothing to justify the sky-high price (about $90 per day) beyond the cost of research and development to win FDA approval and Big Pharma’s insatiable thirst for profits. No wonder GW has been working behind the scenes to lobby for a de-facto monopoly on legal CBD.

Because here’s the recipe, which includes nothing expensive:

EPIDIOLEX (cannabidiol) oral solution is a clear, colorless to yellow liquid containing cannabidiol at a concentration of 100 mg/mL. Inactive ingredients include dehydrated alcohol, sesame seed oil, strawberry flavor, and sucralose.

Buzz: Canada Legalizes Adult-Use Cannabis

On October 17, Canada made history by becoming the second nation (after Uruguay) to federally legalize adult-use cannabis. Leafly provided coast-to-coast coverage, and threw a party called the “Bud Drop” with a countdown to the big moment when the clock struck midnight.

We even got you ready to roll with a comprehensive list of the best Canadian cannabis strains of all time, including Island Sweet Skunk, Romulan, and Jean Guy.

Bummer: Patients Are Still Struggling for Cannabis Access

John Flickner, a 78-year-old resident of Niagara Falls, New York, was evicted from his federally subsidized housing in December of this year for using a vape pen. The facility, which has a “zero tolerance” policy on “drug use” (except alcohol and pharmaceuticals) kicked Flickner to the curb in the freezing cold despite the fact that he uses a wheelchair and has a doctor’s recommendation to consume medical cannabis per state law.

All because federal law still sees him as a wonton criminal. So he ended up in a homeless shelter. Thankfully, a public outcry led his old landlords to allow him back home.

Buzz: Utah Legalized Medical Cannabis

In October, as Utah citizens prepared to vote on Proposition 2, a statewide medical cannabis ballot initiative, Democratic state senator Jim Dabakis decided to head out on a fact-finding trip—in more ways than one. Claiming he’d never tried cannabis before in his life, Dabakis drove to Nevada, bought a cannabis-infused gummy, and then posted a live video feed of himself on social media as he ate the edible.

“I think the reefer madness crowd—you guys, you need to try it.”Sen. Jim Dabakis (D-UT)

“I think the reefer madness crowd—you guys, you need to try it,” Dabakis told the world. “It’s not that big a deal.”

On election night, Proposition 2 passed with sizable majority, but instead of enacting the law as written, lawmakers in Utah signed off on a “compromise bill” that’s more restrictive than Proposition 2 but has wider political support.

Bummer: “Just Say No to Nazi Weed”

Bethany Sherman, formerly the owner of OG Analytics, a cannabis testing lab in Oregon, filed a defamation lawsuit in October against online anti-fascist activists after they exposed her alleged ties to local white nationalists.

She claims that when Antifa activists publicized her posts to social media and message boards, they took them “out of context.” Then she hired an attorney to defend her who is a self-described white nationalist.

Allegations against Sherman included that she baked swastika-shaped cookies for a celebration of Adolf Hitler’s birthday (which is also, coincidentally, 4/20). The lawsuit is still pending, but in the meantime, just say no to Nazi weed and check out the real story of 4/20 for a highly inspiring tale that represents the best of cannabis culture.

Buzz: Cannabis Equity Programs Expand Opportunities

In late November, Blunt + Moore, the first dispensary to get permitted as part of Oakland, California’s far reaching cannabis equity program, held their grand opening in a small, sleek retail space just across the highway from Oracle Arena, home of the Golden State Warriors.

The shop’s proprietor, Alphonso T Blunt, Jr., is a 31-year-old, fourth generation Oakland resident who started selling cannabis when he was just 16. He qualified for the equity program based on a previous felony conviction, and having lived in a neighborhood disproportionately targeted for cannabis arrests.

Blunt told Leafly’s David Downs he could never have made it into the legal industry without the program’s assistance in getting licensed and attracting investors.

“Had you asked me even a year ago, I thought it wouldn’t happen. I can’t even put into words how it feels.”

But reviews of the equity program have been mixed, with critics arguing it so far has a disappointing track record for actually bringing equity-approved businesses online.

The effort has meanwhile inspired other municipalities and states to follow suit. In September, California passed a statewide Cannabis Equity Act, and undoing the damage of the War on Drugs has now become a standard part of the legalization conversation around the world.

TO READ MORE OF THIS ARTICLE ON LEAFLY, CLICK HERE.

https://www.leafly.com/news/politics/buzzes-bummers-2018-was-a-wild-ride-in-the-world-of-cannabis

[jrsechelon]

Undefeated’s Clash - Week 5 Preview

As the wind howls and echoes across the blistering skies the clouds begin to roll in. The forecast is bitter but that is how these teams like it. It's great for football weather. Foxborough, Massachusettes will host the game of unbeaten teams this Sunday. The 3-0-1 Buds Bums will travel from the east side of Chicago to Massachusettes to face off against the 4-0 HellbentKronik. Who would have thought? - Well luckily for Chicago they have a surprising team to fall back on after the heartbreaking loss they witnessed with their beloved Cubbies. So as baseball season ends for one city, Chicago their attention will turn to football. Fans from Massachusettes will continue rooting for their Red Sox but also brashly deem HellbentKronik the all-around EFL Super Bowl favorite. There is, in fact, a lot of football left as we enter week 5 but this match-up takes the cake.

Earlier today we were fortunate enough to have a moment to speak with members of HellbentKronik after an early morning practice. In a surprising turn of events, we witnessed rookie quarterback Josh Rosen taking first-team snaps. So, of course, we were all wondering what is going on with Fitz-magic? Coach Henderson address us with some resounding words of confidence in his decision to hand over the keys to Rosen.

"He has developed, doubled down and reaffirmed his reputation as the quarterback with the big arm, bigger opinions, and a smart mouth through years of being open and honest about how he felt on a variety of topics on and off the field. His leadership ability is Aaron Rodgers-esque. It was time to give him the ball and let him rip. We've got a great thing going here and although Fitzpatrick had given us plenty of positivity these last few weeks, Rosen is our guy for the future and we believe the future is now."

So how exactly is Rosen going to fair against Buds Bums tough defense? Well, the 21-year-old Rosen is full of confidence as he prepares to play against Chicago on Sunday. That's just his way, he said after the team practiced Wednesday.

"I'm a very confident person," Rosen said. "Even if I have no reason to, I'll find a way to fool myself into going out there with full confidence that we're going to win every single game we play. Every time I step on the field, I expect to throw a touchdown or hand off a touchdown or lead the team to the end zone in some way. In my head, if I don't, it's a surprise and something's wrong and we've got to fix it so that we do next time."

"We're going to continue to give Josh what he can handle," Henderson said. "I think, again, he gives us the opportunity to be able to do a lot of things on the offensive side of the ball. I think you guys saw that a little bit through our practices so far this week — just with the bootlegs, getting outside of the pocket, all those things, his athleticism, to be able to avoid the rush a little bit and buy time to get the ball down the field."

And believe me when I say that Rosen is going to have to avoid the rush because the word has gotten back to Buds Bums that Josh Rosen will be starting at the helm Sunday and the defensive backs are licking their chops. Then again, a good chunk of what the Bums' have done on defense has been about Mack. He notched a strip-sack for the fourth consecutive game on Sunday, and he was able to grab Brees' arm to force a floating pass that fell into the waiting arms of Danny Trevathan for an interception basically sealing any chance for Evolution to mount a comeback. What is most surprising for Buds Bums is they have always attempted to pride themselves on offensive aggression, but after another dismal 2017 season they reevaluated what they feel will help bring them to the promise land. That being defense. Chris Long looked confident after the win over Evolution expressing in the locker room this isn't the same old Buds Bums but a new look, revamped, and a driven group ready for a date in New England next week. With eight interceptions, equaling their season totals from 2015, 2016 and 2017.

Bums' Defense Elite

Creating more turnovers was a major emphasis for this group during OTAs, minicamps, training camp, and a lot of the early success comes from staying on assignments and knowing when and how to be aggressive. While four games don’t make a season, what the Bums’ defense has done to begin 2018 has been nothing short of a franchise-altering effort. This is, right now, the best defense in the EFL. And there’s no reason to doubt it’ll lose that title any time soon. Not only is their defense playing lights out their quarterback situation is safely one of the most positive in the EFL. They have two young studs each vying for a place to call themselves 'the guy' and while Wentz is back from injury and doing remarkable things, Mitchell Trubinsky has shown he is equally capable of pushing toward that upper echelon of quarterback play.

So who gets the win? Early projections show Buds Bums defeating HellbentKronik by one point. Kace Joe gave us his breakdown of the match.

"Looking at these rosters down the edge goes to HellbentKronik in my book. You've got a team stacked at wide receiver. AJ Green, Hopkins, Michael Thomas, and tight end Zach Ertz. That my friend is scary. On the other hand, the running game falls to Buds Bums with Todd Gurley and Jay Ajayi - two monsters of the midway establishing themselves as possibly the best one-two punch in the game today! The quarterback would go to Buds Bums but slim. Although Wentz is basically a seasoned veteran at this point he still scares me with that injury and I question whether he is actually 100% - but with HellbentKronik rolling with the rookie Rosen this match-up favors Buds Bums. I got to note though I love the gamble here with HellbentKronik. Josh Rosen is a stud and was magical in his college days at UCLA if he can match that kind of play he will be shocking a lot of people this Sunday. Will Lutz is one of the better kickers in football right now and will have the privilege to most likely be kicking some meaningful kicks when it matters most. Defensively I got to roll with Buds Bums. They are easily the best defense right now after four weeks. I believe even with the firepower at receiver that HellbentKronik has Buds Bums is going to find a way to shut them out and leave Foxborough with a huge win."

A win for Buds Bums then? 4-0-1 if Kace Joe's prediction holds true. What can that mean for the rest of the Great Lakes division? Well a pivot match-up between VanillaGorillas and LilShupeScoresBIGPoints will tell us a lot as to whether the division is tightening up or if LilShupe seems to be the only threat to Buds Bums. Last week both these teams garnered a win which gave VanillaGorillas their first win of the season, while LilShupeScoresBIGPoints pushed to two-consecutive wins. Late last Monday word had come out that LilShupeScoresBIGPoints feared Leonard Fournette was going to be missing some time after being pulled out of the game last week in the 2nd quarter. The fear and realization that their stout second-year back was going to miss some time have made them tightened their hold on their running game. It was reported that a few teams came calling for T.J. Yeldon but quickly they were shot down. LilShupeScoresBIGPoint even though dealing with adversity has mustered through the weather thus far. At 3-1 they're quietly doing what needs to be done even with Andrew Luck having a sub-par season for now. This being their third division game already they are going to want to execute a perfect game with a chance of having Buds Bums get knocked down a peg or two up in New England. As for VanillaGorilla - it was a route last week against Yuba City Sultans who rolled with Josh Allen and almost certainly regretted it from the opening gate. Matt Breida has given VanillaGorillas a few heart attacks almost every weekend looking like he's going to be out for an extended amount of time. This is one guy they can't afford to lose as their running game isn't gathering the yards they were hoping at the beginning of the year. Even though they sit at 1-2-1 they have shown toughness when needed. Tying Buds Bums and routing Yuba City Sultans, VanillaGorilla is simply one win away from getting back into the thick of this division.

So for PURPLEHAZE a match-up against the lowly Canadian Cripplers is possibly just what the doctor ordered. Both teams 1-3 somethings got to give right? Mark Engram will be back behind Cam Newton this weekend and with all the lows for The Canadian Cripplers running game thus far it will be a breath of fresh air for them. Not only that but there was news out of Canada that Le'Veon Bell is preparing to return near week 7. If The Canadian Cripplers can muster up some courage and drive to get wins the next few weeks they could find themselves back in a spot that right now looks obsolete. The next three games for The Canadian Cripplers are favorable. They are all against teams with losing records and if Bell is set to return when he says he is it'll help this team in store for their week 8 match against Buds Bums. PURPLEHAZE this week, next week The Busy Killers, and then a divisional match against the Sultans.

SuperCam Where You At?

Can Cam put it together and try to rebound from a measly season. Coach Shoop had stated that last weeks lost possibly was the worst loss in their franchise, but looking back we found a loss to HellbentKronik back in 2014 which was worse, this loss being their second worse loss in franchise history though - so close Coach Shoop but no cigar! While it seems The Canadian Cripplers have no answers, PURPLEHAZE almost defeated HellbentKonik, narrowly losing by one point. We've seen an increasing number of games with one point deficits early on and something tells me it is going to continue. The league is getting ever increasingly more difficult and while there aren't many undefeated teams there are teams who usually would be undefeated at this point who isn't. This goes to show you how tougher the Elite Fantasy League is getting. Now while The Canadian Cripplers look to have an easy road the next three games, PURPLEHAZE can't say the same thing so this coming again on Sunday is almost a must win for PURPLEHAZE. After traveling to Thunderbay, Ontario, Canada PURPLEHAZE will be facing their three divisional opponents back-to-back-to-back! Already losing to LilShupeScoresBIGPoints in week 3 PURPLEHAZE has got to figure out what is going on in Minnesota. Kirk Cousins is a great quarterback who has all the tangibles to lead this team to success but for whatever reason, they haven't been able to find the right scheme. It's got to start week 5 against The Canadian Cripplers because 1-4 is going to be hard to climb back from.

MegaWatt Warriors can attest to how difficult it is to begin to ascend from the bottom to the top, or at least out of the basement. Sitting at 0-4 after reaching the Super Bowl last year they have seen themselves unable to compete against the rest of the league. Allowing the most amount of points after four weeks MegaWatt Warriors has a date against the 1-3 Hyrule Empire. Both teams had high hopes in the offseason and during OTAs. But what looked to be two franchises in the midst of their best years and on the rise have sought to be a dismal year. Hyrule Empire has yet to see any real accomplishments and success, while MegaWatt Warriors a former Super Bowl Champion and a year from being in the big dance has fallen off the cliff. Tom Brady is playing uninspired football and has old man winter comes knocking it is hard to start wondering when will TB12 decide to hang it up. We know that he wants to play well into 45 but with a 0-4 record and a core group around you who has little to no talent baring Gronk, it's imaginable that Tom Brady may hang it up after this year. Hyrule Empire, on the other hand, had put their trust into Joe Flacco and it has yet to pay off. Losing 3 out of the last 4 Hyrule Empire and MegaWatt Warriors being winless have given us, the fans, our first 'Toliet Bowl' of the season. Projections have them tying so your guess is as good as mine here.

A team who usually is in the 'Toliet Bowl' is finally not having to worry about that as they travel into Cincinnati this weekend. Black Hole Son crushed MegaWatt Warriors last week after hearing from Kace Joe that the Warriors would get a win and Black Hole Sons' season would begin to unravel. Well, talk is cheap and they didn't allow the whispers and analysts stop them from putting up points in a remarkable fashion. Now going against 2-2 Straight Edge Society they will be facing off against the only team to ever win back-to-back Super Bowls. Jared Goff is playing lights-out, on pace toward an MVP season. #BeastMode and Zeke are running the ball down defensive coordinators throats. They are keeping these defensive line coaches and d-coordinators up at night the way they're carrying the rock. Ridley has exploded onto the scene and Edelman is set to return from suspension. Black Hole Son although is lacking on the defensive side of things is bringing the heat all day through the offensive side and certainly isn't looking to stop. It'll be a test for them this Sunday. Straight Edge Society has a nack at upsetting and crushing dreams.

SES & BHS Will Collide

They're a team which knows their strengths and weaknesses, focuses on what needs to be done and nine times out of ten usually goes out and executes the task at hand. Sitting in second in the Central after having a chance to truly pull away with the division Straight Edge Society knows how important this game is. Whether they roll with Andy Dalton or Matt Ryan, Black Hole Son should have their hands full. Straight Edge Society has been going committee at quarterback. It is a risk that has played dividends but also has seen them drop the chips when it has mattered most. A true gamble really and although reports have shown the players are confident in either guy I can only imagine that electing one quarterback to play all year would be the wiser more. But we know Straight Edge Society is a team that isn't old fashion, they will do what they've got to in order to get the win and most importantly back to the Super Bowl. Losing Tyler Eifert last week for the rest of the season is a setback but Jordan Reed is solely capable of filling the void at tight end which Eifert leaves. An important piece for Straight Edge Society is Antonio Brown. Brown hasn't had a breakout game yet and although he is still one of the elite receivers in the game things haven't been very copasetic and again I go back to the fluctuation at quarterback. If Straight Edge Society is able to get Brown going it will make a long day for Black Hole Son.

Another fun match-up week 5 has in store for us is Thunderbuddy4Life 2-2 hosting BroncosTillDeath 3-1. After falling to Straight Edge Society in week 1 BroncosTillDeath has not looked back. Running away with a three-game winning streak Deshaun Watson is righting this ship. Since his dismal performance week 1, he has garnered praise around the league creating plays downfield all the while dealing with a significant lackluster offensive line. Watson is taking a licking, though he keeps on ticking. Or something like that for those who remember the old Timex commercials. BroncosTillDeaths' quarterback, who had his rookie season prematurely ended by a torn ACL, has endured 17 sacks in four games this season. That puts him on pace to take 68 sacks this season, 14 more than this team allowed in 2017. “He’s a very tough guy,” Coach McGee said. “You know, some of it can be concerning, but it’s some of the design of the plays. That’s what we do. He’s got good physical strength. There are certain things that we do not want him to take a hit on. There are other things that we do that he loves to do, and we like to call them, and that’s part of the way he plays. I think he’s really smart about it for the most part when you look at how he deals with those plays.

Watson's Woes

He gets his pads down or he ducks out of bounds. He’s a very, very smart runner. So that’s something we try to build around.” Smart or not, Watson has taken 43 hits this season, putting him on pace for 172 hits this season. With them having to face off against a formidable defense week 5 the thought is these hits and sacks are only going to continue. It is alarming to some who worry that eventually, Watson will take a hit he won't be able to come back from. Last week we saw Thunderbuddy4Life lose key playmaker Earl Thomas but that hasn't swayed the belief around the building that they'll be okay. In fact, there has been some excitement chattering around the building. A loss hurts, a loss to key division rival Rainelo Hawks hurts even worse - but it hasn't waivered the defending Super Bowl champions. With free safety Earl Thomas out for the season, they are turning to 2017 fourth-round pick Tedric Thompson to take over the back end of their defense. Thompson has appeared in 13 career games for Thunderbuddy4Life over the course of last year but has yet to start a regular season game for the team. He played just eight defensive snaps as a rookie but has been a more regular part of the team’s defense this year in their dime packages. He has played on 58 out of 259 snaps on defense this season, including taking over for Thomas in the fourth quarter of last week’s game in Seattle. “We’re excited about his play and he’s just growing,” head coach Roberts said. “He’s really mature about stuff, he’s really worked hard to understand the scheme and the principles of what we want and he plays really strict and disciplined football. You put that all together, it makes for a chance to be a very productive player.” Thompson took almost all of the team’s reps at free safety this offseason and through training camp as Thomas held out in hopes of leveraging a new contract from the team. He started all four preseason games at the position for Thunderbuddy before Thomas reported for the start of the regular season. There is a lot of belief that Thompson will be able to stop Amari Cooper on deep ball throws and help shut down Watson's ability to get after that long bomb. Thunderbuddy4Life is looking to make Watson one dimensional closing off those deep threats and bringing pressure on a very weak offensive line. It might spell disaster for BroncosTillDeath. Thunderbuddy4Life is dealing with more than just the loss of Earl Thomas though, as half of their team has been listed on the injury report. Mind games or legit? I guess come game day we'll know just who is suiting up and who will be sitting out for the defending champs. I look forward to this game as I'm looking at it as possibly the most exciting match-up of week 5!

As some teams are dealing with injuries, Yuba City Sultans is thanking the football gods that their quarterback is back from injury. After what probably seemed to be the longest day in their franchise the era of Josh Allen is over. Josh Allen didn't have room to breathe last Sunday. VanillaGroillas’ defense dialed up pressure all day. The result? Josh Allen was hurried, knocked down, or sacked on 24 of his 29 dropbacks on Sunday. After losing three top players from the offensive line this offseason, we knew there would be a regression for these Sultans. Though, I’m not sure how many thought it would be this bad. Through Week 4 of the regular season, the Sultans’ offensive line ranks dead last in the league in pass protection according to Football Outsiders, worse than even BroncosTillDeaths'. They’ve given up five more sacks than the next worst team. Conversely, Black Hole Son - holders of the top place in said rankings have given up five sacks total to this point in the season. Having the worst offensive line in the league is not what you want when you’re starting a rookie quarterback who needs time to develop.

Aloha! From Mariota

So insert the Aloha spirit, insert Marcus Mariota. Marcus Mariota offered that “the Aloha spirit” helps him stay calm in such situations of adversity. That is, a perspective rooted in humility and “gratefulness” from his native Hawaii. But right now the unbridled excitement is the appropriate reaction when considering what this quarterback and team can do with Mariota finally off the sideline and back from that nagging elbow. This quarterback is just getting started in Matt LaFleur’s offense and is just getting his offensive line back and his stable of pass catchers are looking to breakout it's almost looking like all signs are pointing toward a long day for Evolution. The question of whether the Sultans' can capture this city the way they once did is never far from the discussion. With a returning Mariota an elite core of receivers and a big divisional game on deck, a win on Sunday could go a long way at rallying Yuba City Sultans toward a turn around season. Coach Haight spoke out Thursday morning asking the fans to come to attend the game and show support for this team who only a few short seasons ago was a game away from reaching the Super Bowl. As long as Marcus Mariota stays healthy there is no doubt in my mind that the Sultans' have an excellent chance to turn their season around.

Finally, The Busy Killers who got their first win of the year last week is attempting to do the same thing Yuba City Sultans is, turn their season around. Getting two wins in a row won't be simple though. Rainelo Hawks is flying high at 3-1 atop the Pacific division winning with a very powerfully scary ground attack and electric defensive play. While The Busy Killers has every ability to pull this win off it's going to be a challenge. Patrick Mahomes will be challenged but you've got to believe Rainelo Hawks defense will be equally challenged. The Hawks have only recorded eight sacks this season, with defensive tackles Aaron Donald and Ndamukong Suh as the team’s co-leaders with two sacks apiece. But sacks don’t tell the whole story. Pressuring the opposing quarterback into getting rid of the ball quickly is an important part of having a good defense even if you don’t take down the quarterback. For the Hawks in particular, who have spent most of the season playing from ahead, they’re able to tee off on a quarterback who’s trying to bring the team back from behind. Going into Sunday’s game against the Rainelo Hawks is likely the most important test Patrick Mahomes will face so far this season. Speaking about their upcoming opponent, you could see that the head coach and his quarterback were on the same page days before the game is to begin. “We look forward to playing Seattle,” Chico said. “We know they are a good football team. They have done a heck of a job up there with the whole organization and with the team in particular. We have played some good defenses here and there and Rainelo Hawks is a good defense and arguably the best in the EFL.” Chico continued. “That is why you do this. You love that challenge of playing against good teams. We're ready for the challenge." Patrick Mahomes weighed in as well after practice on Thursday

Mahomes Speaking

“Hawks defense has a great scheme, they do a lot of things really well. They do a lot of the same stuff, but they do it to a very high pristine type of thing. They have a ton of talent over there. We have to utilize our offense and our weapons and try to do what we can to attack them.” Mahomes was then asked about making offensive adjustments as The Busy Killers were forced to do while playing Straight Edge Society on Monday night. “I am still learning, but trying to make adjustments on the fly is something I didn’t have to do as much in college, and here you have to make them because defenses throw unscouted looks out there. Kind of like the first half of this last game, they threw us a lot of different blitzes and things we hadn’t seen before from that defense so far this year. For us, we just have to get on the same page and figure out those looks and make adjustments to make our plays work.” But Mahomes said that finding success against Straight Edge Society was a confidence-builder for him. “Being able to go up against stuff you are not necessarily sure of because it’s a blitz you haven’t seen before and you’re able to have success against it, that is how football works. You are going to see exotic stuff. You are going to have adverse situations in games and have to find ways to come out with wins in them. I believe this is what I and my teammates will take on come Sunday." Although this match-up is a 1-3 team against a 3-1 team it can easily have the makings of a tougher game then we see on paper. Rainelo Hawks will want to continue their trend of winning and staying atop the Pacific while The Busy Killers will want to try and do what they've got to in order to get one step closer to .500.

Week 5 is right around the corner, actually only hours away as we open up tonight! I hope you all are ready because I know I am!

CLICK HERE

[junker-town]

Winners and losers from the 2017 NHL draft weekend

A shift in the hockey spectrum happened this weekend.

The NHL draft is behind us after a long two weeks of expansion draft transactions, trade rumors and consternation.

Before we turn our full attention to sleep NHL free agency, let’s award some winners and losers from draft weekend.

Winners

Swiss hockey

73 Swiss teens have ever been drafted in the NHL entry draft. Until Friday, only one Swiss-born player had gone in the top ten: Nino Niederreiter (fifth overall in 2010).

Now Nico Hischier is the first and only Swiss player taken first overall. It’s a heck of an accomplishment for him personally, but also for a country that’s churned out more quality NHLers than ever over the last decade or so. And it set the tone for the rest of the European-based draft. Speaking of ...

Finland

David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

Someone made the joke on Twitter yesterday that it seemed every teenager in Finland had been drafted. Canada (37 percent) and the United States (22 percent) obviously claimed the lion’s share of drafted players in 2017, but no country dominated the top three rounds like Finland this year.

Six players went in the first round alone (notably, Miro Heiskanen at No. 3), followed by another six in the second round. So many of them are quality players that will make marks on the league in a few years. Once known as a goalie factory, Finland is now becoming one of the world’s hockey hotbeds to rival North America and their Swedish rivals.

Antoine Morand and Maxime Comtois

Comtois fell out of the first round as expected to the Ducks at 50th overall. Ten spots later, Anaheim took his best friend: Antoine Morand.

Dallas Stars

David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

No team maximized value with their top selections better than the Stars:

They took the best defenseman in the draft, Heiskanen, at No. 3.

They traded up to No. 26 to take Boston University’s Jake Oettinger, arguably the draft’s best goalie.

They landed winger Jason Robertson, one of the draft’s best scorers, at the top of the second round.

Dallas, a contender before injuries killed their season, never expected to be in position to get those kinds of players at the 2017 draft. They were, they executed flawlessly and injected new life into a middling system.

Los Angeles Kings

What a draft. Gabriel Vilardi at 11th overall is a steal; most projections had him going in at least the top five, if not third overall to Dallas.

Instead, something scared teams off. The only guess is his skating, which isn’t the best but also doesn’t negate what a powerfully creative center he is. He’ll be a stud in L.A.

Then the Kings took Jaret Anderson-Dolan, a quick, two-way forward many pundits like a lot. They also got good value late in the draft. L.A. came into the weekend with a meh system and left with some bright players.

Vegas Golden Knights

David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

The best draft of any team. No question. Their three picks in the first round all bring something different but palpable to their position. Cody Glass is a Mark Scheifele in the making, a big playmaking center with great instincts and scoring ability. Nick Suzuki has some of the highest “hockey I.Q.” in the draft and emerged as a lethal scorer this year in the OHL. And Erik Brannstrom is, as NHL Network analyst Craig Button aptly put it, a bulldog. A hyper-aggressive offensive defenseman.

Then they took loads of skill and size and promise with their boat-load of picks on Day 2. Nicolas Hague, Jake Leschyshyn, Jonas Røndbjerg, Maxim Zhukov, Lucas Elvenes ... all players with high praise leading up to the draft. All heading to Vegas. Fortune favored them.

Honorable mentions: St. Louis picking up both Robert Thomas and Klim Kostin to end the first round was commendable ... The Hurricanes drafted a ton of players and diversified their forward group admirably ... Edmonton landed Kailer Yamamoto, possibly the steal of the draft if he pans out ... Nashville caught a falling Eeli Tolvanen in the first round ... New Jersey had a good draft overall besides Hischier ... the Canucks now have two excellent goalie prospects with Thatcher Demko and Michael DiPietro ... Minnesota spent their limited picks on high-skill guys, and did well ... San Jose picking up Sasha Chmelevski and Ivan Chekhovich might’ve been the savviest picks on Day 2.

Losers

Casey Mittelstadt

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He got drafted in the top ten to a high-profile organization with some great young talent. So not a huge loss for this year’s “Mr. Hockey.”

But he was the first player to fall hard after a projected top-five spot, and it makes you wonder if scouts just don’t like him or if we’re all missing something.

Boston Bruins

Boston left some tantalizing names on the board in the first two rounds; Urho Vaakanainen might be a solid defenseman for years, but at 18th I’d rather have seen them take someone more dynamic like Pierre-Olivier Joseph or Henri Jokijharju. They took Jack Studnicka in the second round when Joni Ikonen and Morand were still available.

Boston played the draft safely when they didn’t need to.

Anyone expecting trades or anything interesting to happen on Day 2

I forget which GM said this, but it rang true: maybe NHL front offices were just exhausted after a long, arduous two weeks of expansion drafting. Chatter was abundant, but nobody pulled any triggers outside of Calgary acquiring Travis Hamonic. Which only serves to prove the same old lesson: the moment you expect the NHL to do something exciting, nothing will happen.

Oh, and if you planned to take Saturday off for NHL movement fireworks I’m truly sorry. That was the most clinical day of drafting I’ve ever seen.

New York Rangers

They acquired the 7th overall pick from Arizona in a trade this week and used it on Lias Andersson, a good player but someone better slotted in the late teens or early 20s. They left dynamic talent (for this draft class, anyway) on the board there for a guy who might end up as a decent middle-six player.

They then took a risk on Filip Chytil at 21. He’s one of the youngest players in the draft and no sure thing. “No sure thing” also applies to Yamamoto, who went to Edmonton in the next pick. Guess my preference.

Detroit Red Wings

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They had an ocean of draft picks and rarely did anything interesting with them. The first red-flag was taking Michael Rasmussen at ninth overall instead of Vilardi. Neither are 200-foot players at this point, but Rasmussen’s 5-on-5 numbers indicate he might be much more one-dimensional going forward. He’s their top center prospect now, but if they had drafted both then Vilardi would be far ahead of him. I didn’t get it.

Detroit spent Day 2 taking a bunch of different players with different skill-sets, but none that stand out as impressive selections. This might be a decent base to your rebuild, but other teams (New Jersey, Los Angeles) came away with better rebuild returns than Detroit.

Canadian junior hockey

For the second straight year it felt like NHL teams preferred to take players with NCAA commitments over players already in or headed to the OHL, QMJHL or WHL. I couldn’t tell you why, but it bodes well for the state of college hockey for sure.

Dishonorable mentions: Reporters who tried to get Nolan Patrick to say bad things about Nico to start a rivalry. The two are clearly good buds. Nolan gave Nico a hug after he was picked first ... The Penguins had an entirely unremarkable draft, but they won the Cup, so who cares ... Ottawa had an unremarkable draft, as well ... The Flames managed to have a meh draft AND trade away like half of their next few drafts for one player this weekend ... Eeli Tolvanen fell hard in the draft after Boston College rejected his application ... Pity Blackhawks writers who have to spell Andrei Altybarmakyan’s name in a few years.