#putting this at the top: ill edit in the morning w an image desc but i dont think itd make any sense if i tried to write it tonight

[haunted-house-heart]

so i had a thought the other that made me cry and i'ma try to explain it bc i need someone else to know of it. it's two am i havent slept and i'm ✨emotional✨ so idk if this'll make any sense. over explaining incoming

tw for brief mention of abuse, homophobia and death, specifically of trans people but i'm not gonna talk about that like, explicitly. and also spoilers for the raven cycle

so. there's a quote for the raven cycle that i 100% want as a tattoo. it's "if you can't be unafraid, be afraid and happy." (henry cheng in the raven king). it's so so important to me and i'ma explain why:

i started reading the raven cycle the same year i realized i wasn't straight. the series immediately became my favorite books Ever (this was in 2016, and they're still my favorite today). adam parrish was the first bisexual character/person i'd ever known. i didnt even know bisexuality was an option before this, and i related to his situation (abusive family) and i ended up id'ing as bi for, like. i think like a year after that (until i found out what aro/ace was).

and i was scared. i was 14 and living in an abusive household with homophobic family members. and i read that line in the raven king: "if you can't be unafraid, be afraid and happy." and it stuck with me. it's stuck with me for six (6) years now.

because as a queer person, specifically as a trans person (even more specifically as a nonbinary person) i'm so scared. i'm so scared all the time. i'm very out, and that's how i want to live my life but there are times- just the other day i was downtown when it started getting dark and i was wearing a big trans flag button and i could see it so clearly, a thousand deaths i could suffer for being myself (i took the button off and put it in my pocket).

i don't think i'll ever stop being scared but i am proud of who i am. i'm happy as myself, i'm happy being nonbinary.

if you can't be unafraid, be afraid and happy.

they can't take that from me. the minute i trade my pride for fear they've won.

if you can't be unafraid, be afraid and happy.

and i am.

and i was explaining this the other day and i got hit with this thought.

that scene in the raven cycle, when they write "remembered" on noah's carr

to do both. "if you can't be unafraid, be afraid and happy." for me, and "remembered" for the ones that didn't make it. for the trans people who fought for us, for the trans peoplewho just tried to live their lives.

i'm not explaining this as well as i'd like but i really hope it makes some sort of sense

i made a mock up type thing for what i was thinking of:

(please dont like, use this anywhere)

its not perfect but im calling it quits for the night

the flowers are amaryllis (for pride) and forget me nots (for remembrance)