#pwn’d you bitches

[martian-martian-martian]

I saw there were no timestamps for LESTAT: THE MUSICAL online so I bit the bullet and watched it for the first time and recorded this iconic bullshit myself in a play-by-play P.1

(WARNING: this is all bullshit that I found funny or interesting, apologies if not all the stamps are helpful.) I spent two hours on this so please reblog or like it. Part TWO will come soon.  (I also commented the stamps ON the youtube comments for the video so you can use them there for convenience.) 

Tagging all the vampire chronicles (??? related) people I know: @cara--corvaia , @lestatthebiprince @i-want-my-iwtv @vamp-prince-mikhael @tomorrow--mourning @moasfuck @hotvampiregoss @fuckinglovemanga @theweightwecarry @just-another-vcblog @thevampirelesthot @her-golden-hair Sorry to bother you if you dont know me, this is just a blatant ploy to befriend you all, and also, did I mention, you’re cool by the way. 

2:57 - Lestat can’t get his knife back in its fucking sheathe 3:22 - Lestat’s dad looks like Geralt of Rivia and you can’t change my mind. 4:00 - Gabrielle is That Bitch P.1 5:00 - Nicholas?!?! *scooby-doo “AROOO?” noise*   5:50 - Gabrielle is That Bitch P.2 SHE can BELT, y’all 6:10 - Lestat literally left 2 seconds ago and Gabi sings about how he’s gone. 

8:33 - First clap of the night, thank god, it was way too quiet so far 

8:52 - the stupidest fucking hats ive ever seen 

9:08 - Lestat is called a “country boy” and NICHOLAS!!!! 

9:40 - titties joke 

9:50 - this dude in a BERET is sending me, what ERA is he FROM what the FUCKKK 

10:00 -  someone’s head blocks the gay agenda 

10:38 - “yo dawg i heard you liked bad acting so i put some bad acting in your bad acting so you could badly act while you badly act” 

11:50- the audience laughs at obvious ‘only one bed trope’ that is obvious 

12:20 - Nicholas possibly fucked himself with a violin? 

12:33 - pig noises 

13:05 - the audience laughs at obvious Top Nicholas 

13:50 - catholicism 

14:05 - thats GAYYYYYYY p.1 

14:40 - JUMPSCARE 

14:50 - Lestat is bitten by this rando and cums instantly 

15:00 - thirsty boi om nom nom 

16:43 - Lestat can have a little kiss, as a treat. 

16:55 - “Well, I’m out” *creates fire out of nowhere, walks through it, and dies* 

20:10 - every time he says ‘thirst’ take a shot no just kidding dont haha unless… 

22:19 - one guy in the audience tries to clap then stops 

24:06 - “MOM, ITS MY TURN TO USE THE NICHOLAS” 

25:00 - tender ass love ballad is a tender ass love ballad 

29:00 - coming out to your mom as dead 

30:00 - Gabrielle’s voice gives me literal chills 

32:20 - do NOT laugh do NOT laugh this is NOT funny at all this is serious 

33:30 - Mulan 

33:55 - Gabrielle is That Bitch P.3 she really out here 

34:50 - Moooo-ooom, you’re embarrassing me. 

35:50 - Gabrielle is That Bitch P.4 

37:00 - antonio banderas the 300 year old EDGY BOY 

40:26 - armand has a teen voice crack (“thousands of yEaRs”) 

42:20 - this random person shoots their shot at armand and gets nerfed 

43:19 - “you would be beautiful if someone held you under a waterfall for several hours” HGHJGGHGHGHJGJH why would you say that?! 

43:35 - humans pretending to be vampires tell vampires to pretend to be humans pretending to be vampires. 

44:29 - armand drops nicholas like a sack of potatoes and made me laugh 

46:00 - that moment when suck your boyfriend too hard ladies amirite no wait  never mind he’s dying this is bad actually 46:40 thru 

50:00 -  vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires BUT MAKE IT A HIGHSCHOOL MODERN DANCE SHOWCASE 

50:50 - armand said: nice theater. shame if i were to….steal it hundreds of years later. 

51:12 - thats GAYYYYYYY p. 2  X2 BONUS DOUBLE WHAMMY 

51:45 - they literally said “Nick was so pure his brain exploded rip” 

53:12 - get PWN’D armand you slut 

56:12 - if you listen closely you can hear my heart breaking 

57:00 - Gabrielle is That Bitch P.5 this whole song is bamf material 

58:55 - long-ass head kiss 

59:00 - “I DID NOT GIVE YOU THE DARK GIFT SO THAT YOU COULD WALK AWAY FROM ME.” 

 “I GAVE YOU THE GIFT OF LIFE KNOWING SOME DAY YOU WOULD WALK AWAY FROM ME!” 

1:00:30 - Gabrielle is That Bitch P.6 INCREDIBLE BELT 

1:00:50 - everyone is clapping! Clapping! Oh god, wait! Oh god they’re kissing! He’s kissing his mom! Clapping...peters out… you hear people go ‘oh’.... he is… kissing his mom...clapping...ends… 

1:01:00 - “I love you my son.” people laugh because incest 

1:04:19 - world’s saddest cookout 

1:05:20 - OH WELL I NEVER HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A VAMP SO CLEVER AS MAGICAL MISTER MAAAAAARIUSTOPHELEES

[kathrynhoward]

Well, the joke is on Matusiak because puppies fat is full of goodness, warmth and all the cuddliness. So he’s basically saying that Kathryn was sweet, warm and all the goodness in the world. Dumbass “historian” played himself trying to be mean.

This gives me intense middle school “you just called me a bitch, do you know what a bitch is? a female dog. do you know what dogs are? cute. so you just called me cute. pwn’d, xxx” vibes. The thing is, we all know that wasn’t the intent. We can’t twist it in such a way, that’s not how it works. 

[duderocketship]

Spontaneous Combustion

Hella business Got hella bitches Poppin double bottles With a couple of mistresses Stellar mistreatment Here's the key Lock em in the cellar Forever their memory lies But a troubling mystery Hysteria erupting Like waves gushing From the tip of my penis My genius is better I'm the King here's my scepter Now watch the teeth You worthless Queen Or I'll stifle them screams I fuck bitches on trampolines Motion sickness? Overdose on Dramamine Slave to the magnitude Of my impressive muff munching Exploring deplorable nether-regions galore; Can't touch me you got nothing Broke motherfucker Grind your brain like morning coffee beans Shame is a word just outside the boundaries of my fabulous vocabulary Oh, am I contrite? How trifling Check my charm I'm enlightening Enigmatic and igniting sporadically like lightning Magically radical voyaging down                                                           down                                                  down the rabbit's hole Inciting excited riots to light fires spark fuses and chew on live wires You do not frighten me. Delivering excruciating asphyxiation to every pwn'd n00b Is my modus operandi And this is my magnum opus I have Tourette's Conceive these merriments of abhorrent mental abortions Precisely concise and incisive concocting  incoherent comatose monstrosities to flatten your lifelines

Conduct these ensembles of debauchery and narcotics - I'm fascinating; Crippling your mind like a lobotomy and tripping the light fantastic through bombarding planes of consciousness I'm on acid thraxXx'd the fuck OUT and faded Levitating fading and oscillating in time while inflating my ego But lets be realistic the caliber of my linguistics is intrinsically aesthetic but none too altruistic Untrue! Be reasonable lest I demand be-headings on grounds of treason Its not hard for me - It's profound, the sound of suffering; I'll swallow your soul 'Tis the season! Inference for instance - Pimp-hand upturned to oceans of incessant peasants Pestering to molest and fluster your festering butt-hole Exact my revenge; begin phase mayhem *initiating total brain annihilation* interring bodies posthaste with skilled persistence And sporting in poor taste RESISTANCE IS FUTILE You who peers through eye of the pyramid- Would you be so kind as to interpret my footprint at face-value? Do you take me for a fool yet seek prophets reaping profits? Listen to them sleep, baaah-ing away like flocks of little sheep My hearts not on my sleeve but I have a trick or two up there; Now bow before my marvelous flow As I behold my throne  whilst throwing bows and exposing hoes. 

(November 2013)

My most popular poem on hellopoetry.com/duderocketship/ with 31.5k views as of this posting