#qcellbit drives me fucking insane dude

[anachronistic-falsehood]

i wanna grab qcellbit by the shoulders and shake him. something about the way he tries to separate the actions of cell from himself in a lot of ways just gets to me. “i’m not cell anymore that monster died” no he didn’t. you are cell. cell is you. he did not die. you just got better. “what did you do to get in prison? it wasn’t anything bad right?” “i mean what is bad really?” you’re undermining your own actions to tubbo and he doesn’t even know what you did in the first place. you could just say “it’s in the past, i'd rather not talk about it” but you're almost trying to justify what you've done. why? so that if he does find out he won’t think too harshly of you? so that you can feel better about it? to absolve yourself of some of that guilt?

you’re a master of deflection, just like your husband. but while his shield is humour, your switch between casual justification and shifting of blame. you don’t know how else to handle what you’ve done. your train of thought goes from “oh it’s fine it wasn’t that bad i got better we can joke about it haha” to “he was a monster and that’s not me he’s dead and he’s never coming back” amiga…. you are constantly in the midst of an identity crisis because you feel like shit over the things you’ve done. you cover up everything with a thin layer of lies and it's a miracle that some people believe everything you say at face value. the only people you’ve been genuine about this with are roier, richas, bad, and pac and bagi a little bit. you’ve slipped into some of those old habits lately. you might be killing federation workers as we speak.

you are cell. cell is you. you haven't killed the part of you that holds those impulses because to do so completely would be to kill yourself. you did those things. you've hurt people. the line you’ve shakily drawn between yourself and your actions in easily washable chalk is being sprayed by a garden hose. it's blurring.