#quin roasts some blorbos

[quinloki]

Has anyone asked for law yet cause I wanna see you roast him

XD

Who in their right mind wants to date the dude who looks like he’s one “can you look at this rash?” away from lighting the entire grand line on fire?

He smells vaguely of weed and severely of coffee. Those bags under his eyes have enough traveler’s miles to ride first class anywhere in the world.

There’s stressed and then there’s whatever this My College Debt Led Me to Piracy has going on. Here’s hoping he survives the revenge plan with 37 variable plans detailed in it, maybe sometime next millennium he’ll have enough spare time to take you on a date that he’s going to have to cut short because someone has a rash he needs to go look at.

Honestly, i’d probably see him more often if I dated Penguin.

[quinloki]

Why wouldn't you date Jinbe?

The Nicest Man In the ENTIRE One Piece Universe and you do this to me?! 🥺

…

At 46 Jinbei has had more job changes than an indecisive Emo has before a My Chemical Romance concert. Sure most of those choices were some variety of pirate, but he’s been on enough crews that his “formerly” section comes with an fork lift.

This man’s sailed so many ships he knows how to drift one, but he has the “hunt and peck while looking over the rim of his glasses” kind of grandpa energy. Given his practice in assimilating into half a dozen crews you’d think he’d just go with the flow with the Straw Hats.

Master martial artist based on waves and water struggles to go with the flow of a crew whose only creed has ever been personal freedom.

I wouldn’t date Jinbei because he’s the discount version of Uncle Iroh, but with less tea.

(I am so sorry, ancestors forgive me. He’s such a sweet guy. The only reason I wouldn’t date him is because I don’t think he has a kinky bone in his body. He’s so vanilla, but I love him T-T)

[quinloki]

I'm here to inquire: why wouldn't you date Katakuri? 👀✨️ (I can think of so many reasons lmao)

Let's not even begin to touch the In-Laws from literal hell, and the world's most demanding and controlling mother. The Library of congress couldn't house the list I have - Alphabetical by birth - with the vast majority of the Charlotte family and why I would not want to be associated with them*.

But I wouldn't date Katakuri because I have a size kink sure, but I need some good old fashioned functionality in there somewhere. I'm 5'00" I'm not even coming up to this man's knee, and the squeaky toy voice the gods cursed me with isn't making the trip 16' up to be heard as it is.

He gets his rocks off one time and I'm left tasting krispy kreme mochi-nut for the next week every time I burped. I don't mind being the snack in the relationship, but being literally bite-sized is a little too much. You'd have to put a buzzer on me when we went to bed, if he rolls over the wrong way the foghorn sound is going to be the only thing that saves me.

*Brulee's the bomb though, she gets a pass.

[quinloki]

hi quin :* for the lil game, why wouldn't you date brook ? ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ -B☆

Ribbing him is just entirely too easy. I've got some bones to pick with him. It's all "Til Death Do Us Part" but he's already dead Yohohohoho! When we argue he plays Wonderwall on the violin. Wanted to wear a birthday suit for his birthday and let Usopp sculpt his muscles and skin from clay into place for three days to pull it off - we were finding clay for six weeks and every time he'd look at it, and offer me a little piece of him, yohohohoho.

I love puns, but there's about to be some sort of world-ending singularity if this goes on much longer.

I guess I just need someone with a little more

meat

on

their

bones.

<.<

[quinloki]

Oh that's interesting. I'm sorry this is a tough one, but I'm sooo curious. 😏

So tell me, why wouldn't you date Marco?

Ooooooh I knew this was coming xD

Ah…. Why wouldn’t I date Marco?

(Heck).

I wouldn’t date Marco because who wants a man who eats pineapples like some psychopath? Seriously, and that hair style has to be intentional, cause MPB didn’t do that shit to him.

Oh those sandals? Like, it wouldn’t be so bad if he literally didn’t have chicken legs. And the one leather grill garter just seems he’s trying to remember his left from his right or something.

Only super regeneration immortal to need glasses too, tch. What a poser. If I wanted to date a clown I’da hooked up with Buggy.

Ask game

[quinloki]

Hoping no one asked already but what about the mess that is doffy

Why I wouldn't date Doffy:

Gods let me Count The Ways™

This man is his own Content Warning I'm not saying the entire family is bad, but the Entire Family Is Bad. I'm not really a fan of pink, honestly. I would stab Trebol with the man's own teeth inside of 24 hours.

I need to be able to measure the amount of trust I have for someone in a unit larger than fractional microns.

I don't have much fashion sense, but I have more than that. I already know where that tongue's been and he needs to keep it behind his teeth more often. "Look me in the eyes" is a point of contention, I don't want to see my own face when I'm trying to look at his. The amount of therapy I'd need to keep my sanity costs more than Dressrosa's GDP.

I prefer to be able to say "No" from time to time.

He comes with built in bondage mechanics, and that's not enough for me to say yes.

[quinloki]

hope you’re ready for this one.. why wouldn’t you date kaku??

(sobbing)

... @mamaalpha's not gonna forgive me for this.

/breathe in, breathe out/

Leave it to Beaver called, they'd like their 1950 wholesome family vibes back. Kaku's got such a Boy Next Door vibe going on that dating him requires you to use words like "Golly" and "Gee Willickers".

I can't date someone who tuts his tongue when I swear.

Yeah, it's great when he's holding doors open, and pushing in your chair, but that end of date kiss is so chaste it comes with it's own chastity belt.

Even if you get through the first few dates, by the end of the month he's breaking up with you because you're too agressive. He's saving him for Lucc-- Marriage, like a proper Good Boy Next Door, and your desire for a little tongue is just Too Gosh Darned Much.

[quinloki]

oooooo i've got one— why would you not date Franky?

(he's such a green flag i'm so interested in what you'll come up with!!)

I wouldn't want to date Franky because I'm not into speedos as a functional clothing choice in the middle of a blizzard. Sure, the body mods are impressive, but it's a 50/50 chance those soda bottles in his stomach explode if you're intimate for too long. Never mind cleaning up the mess, but you're both sticky for 3 days no matter how many baths you take.

And gods, the fact that he growls "Suuuuuuuper" before finishing - even with soda fizz spraying out from the compartment, really takes some adjusting.

The customizable hair is cool until someone boops his nose while you're on his shoulders and the force of the new hair style ejects you straight off the boat. He is really sweet, but it's also a bit like snuggling a disco ball - roundish, but the hard edges don't let you really get comfortable, and if you activate the nipple lights it wakes the entire ship.

[quinloki]

Why wouldn't you date Shachi and Penguin?

Oh I wou--- Augh. AUGH.

I wouldn't date Shachi and Penguin because it's like dating 2/3rds of the Three Stooges and if I'm not careful I'm going to become the 3rd one. Who wants to be the third wheel in a bromance between two guys who bully sentient teddy bears?

It's Starksy and Hutch the wish edition, plus they gotta ask Captain Dr. Too Cool To Button Any of His Shirts when they wanna borrow the car, and then they're two hours late because they had to sit through the safe sex speech for the twelfth time.

Law wouldn't repeat it so much, except Shachi thinks he has a pull out game and Penguin doesn't understand why he needs lube for anal.

oh gods that last line was terrible XD

[quinloki]

Hmm, tell me why you would not date Eustass Kid! 👀

Lmfao oh man, okay… I think I can do this.

If I wanted someone big enough to manhandle me and tie me up, why would I go for the Walking Mountain of red flags when his far more even tempered and capable bestie is Right There?

How’s Captain Arrogant gonna stand up to Killer’s ass in those tight jeans? Never mind little mister tinker toys probably sets the kitchen on fire trying to boil water.

I want to scream myself hoarse from sex, not cause Mr. Are You Kid-Ding Me is mad cause someone smudged his lipstick.

Ask game

[quinloki]

Do you still do the "Why I wouldn't date"-thing?

I think I slept through it yesterday 😅

If yes, why wouldn't you date King?

Oh man

The company parties are killer - most of the others aren't so bad, but the boss starts drinking and it's just uncomfortable.

And speaking of the boss, this man talks more about Kaido than he does me or himself. I appreciate having someone you look up to, but Luffy doesn't mention Shanks as much as King mentions Kaido.

Two weeks into things and you really just start to think the two of them should hook up and date each other. Kaido could use the love, and King might talk about him less if he's getting free dragon rides.

It wouldn't be so bad, but other than talking about Kaido he doesn't really say much else. A grumble here or there about Queen, sure maybe, but then it's just all mysteriousness and stoicism and foot-thick studded leather. Not even matte-finish leather, it's all shiny and squeaky and you stick to it at the worst times.

I mean, usually "the hat stays on" is hot and all, but like, not so much when it's the entire full body and face leather suit.

[quinloki]

Last one, I swear quin

Why wouldn’t you date Mihawk? That mf serving all the cunt deserves the roasting

xD

I can't date someone who uses a sword bigger than he is. You do that shit once with a man with impressively long silver hair and you see nothing but red flags afterward.

Look, he's entirely too young to be speaking in Cursive, ffs.

I can't date Mihawk because the wine-red and black wardrobe isn't a personal preference, it's because it hides the wine stains from him spilling wine all the time. He doesn't have half the capacity for drink that he thinks he does, and somehow thinks drinking more will help him build a tolerance.

Training his liver into the abyss maybe.

And look, I don't have to be the Single Most Important thing in someone's life, but when he snuggles with Yoru more than you, there's a problem.

(Source: https://x.com/_Astharoshe/status/1379065837022294024?s=20 )

[quinloki]

I haven’t seen anyone ask for this yet…

Why wouldn’t you date Rob Lucci?

Look, that man is married to his work for one, and that's not the worst thing - I don't even mind the bird. But can you IMAGINE the silent treatment this catty-ass man could give you?

He wouldn't even have to actually talk through the pigeon, I'm sure, but it would be even more infuriating if he did. Banishing the bird before you start arguing about something, and he's just silent the whole time. His ears would go flat if he transformed, cause you know as neutral as he's trying to look he's annoyed as hell.

Honestly though, you wouldn't see him for years on end, and while I do enjoy having time and space to myself, I like to see my partner enough that I don't forget what they look like by the time I see them again.

... I'm taking the bird in the divorce though. He can speak through Kaku's nose for all I care.

[quinloki]

What are your reasons not to date the dino man X Drake?

>.>

ACAB. If he's legally untouchable, he's morally unfuckable.

Okay, okay, no reality in my roast-fest, let's start again.

I hate to be shallow, but it's the chin. I can't do it. I can't ignore it. There's a Big Freakin' X right in the middle of it, and I can't even look away from that to his chest because he's GOT ANOTHER ONE THERE.

Look, sure, X marks the spot, but at this rate I'm going to have to sharpie my slit to help this guy find his way and I don't know that I'm that committed. He might have one of the hottest devil fruits in all the seas (especially if you're into a little non-conventional monster romping), but I don't know what's worse -

His hat, or the cock comb he calls hair that stands straight up the second he takes that hat off. And I can't blame him for the hat, it's the only thing I notice before that chin.

Chin so godsdamn powerful its still one of his most defining features when he's HALF FUCKING DINOSAUR.

[quinloki]

Go ahead and tell me why you wouldn’t date good boy Ace

he really is such a good boy too T-T

I wouldn't date Ace because aside from a good time I'm not sure what else I'm going to contract from this mangy creature who escaped his island enclosure to terrorize the seas for five minutes before his ship broke against an uninhabited collection of rocks.

You couldn't pay me enough to date a guy who only ended up being the hottest thing on his crew because Deuce took a second to consider that maybe the weird fruit they were sharing could be poisonous, while the Freckle Glutton dived in without hesitation.

And nothing says "self-esteem" like having a boyfriend who just randomly falls asleep no matter what you're doing. Hyper active and bouncing off the walls one minute, the next he's balls deep in you and drooling on your back. You can't even get out from under him cause Hot Stuff McThunderfuck is carrying the weight of his father's ghost at all times.

[quinloki]

Hi Quin! I'm glad you're feeling better today! ❤️ May I ask you why you wouldn't date Sir Crocodile?

I can feel him existing.

Sitting behind me. Reading the paper. A small shuffle of pages, a soft huff of cigar smoke into the air.

"By all means, desert flower, answer the ask." He says, in a voice that doesn't seem at all interested in what's going on, but I know better.

Marco would "punish" me for making fun of him, Kid too - different ways, different vibes, but not anything truly bad. Thatch would need a nice long hug and some reassurances that he doesn't need to cut his hair, and Izou would be quietly plotting my demise in ways I will likely survive. Law would just shambles me into pieces and leave me to hunt them down for a couple days.

But Crocodile?

Sir Crocodile?

... I've signed and NDA. There's a fine. I can't pay it. You're just going to have to use your imagination -- wait, wait, I mean... uh,

"I have nothing negative to say about my sweet Suwani, and even in jest I couldn't imagine not dating him." ❤️