#race is a fuck. ethnicities is a better way to gauge but also- *why* do we need to gauge that anyways?

[snekdood]

i honestly think i like it better that my ethnic genetic makeup is vague, it makes for very entertaining interactions.

[datingadviceonreddit]

…Now that I have your attention, I would like to offer some sincere advice to those who are currently in the situation that I had been during my 20’s. This advice is mostly targeted towards guys who are generally “good dudes” who just seem to be having trouble getting dates or have trouble talking to women. No PUA here, purely 100% USDA organic.My methodology is mostly based on anecdotal evidence because I believe 1. in the philosophy that “not everyone can be ‘x’, but anyone can be ‘x’, and 2. I find statistical research (while useful) can create negative biases and prejudices from the start which can make the already stressful task of finding dates overwhelming.Anyway, if you like what you read, I was thinking about expanding this into a 3 or 4 part series with advice on Tinder game, how to find dates using “forced” interaction, etc. if I get enough up votes :).About me: I’m an early 30’s single professional living in a metropolitan Midwest region. I have dated women of mostly all races/ethnicities, all different backgrounds and personalities. Why am I not tied down, maybe we can get to that in part 2 :)Here is a breakdown of how I view my personal/professional traits as they relate to attractiveness (both positive and negative). Note: this isn’t an exhaustive list but it gives you an idea of the reality of my situation. Some might say I have it better off, some might be glad they aren’t in my shoes. I’m going to try to be as honest as possible.White privilege traits (not to be controversial here, but these are the traits that I am “born into”, that I have no control in changing, that society has determined whether it’s a statistical advantage or disadvantage):*Height: 5’10 - neutral. 5’9 is the average American male height. Height is one of those biases that I despise because it’s so ingrained in society, so much so to the point where shorter men statistically make less salary than their taller counterparts (holding all else constant). This is mainly why I believe my height is neutral. Furthermore, I’ve been rejected by a good number of women who said I was too short. Go figure. That being said, there are plenty of women who aren’t concerned about height insecurity and more power to you! To note: I am indifferent to female height, I’ve dated women who were around 5ft to women who were 6’2 with no insecurities. Speaking out of my ass, I think 6ft is when height becomes a positive, and below 5’6 is when it starts becoming a negative, for men.*Ethnicity: East Asian – negative. Statistically speaking, Asian men (particularly South Asian men and black women) have the lowest odds of matches on OKC and other dating apps. Again, I have been rejected by women who had flat out told me to my face that they weren’t interested in dating Asian guys. At first I found this a bit racist, but I realized that, as with height, I can only play the cards I am dealt. So I don’t have the complete female gene pool to work with, but that’s fine.*Overall physical appearance – neutral. I don’t have a chiseled face and I can’t grow facial hair, but I still have a full head of hair so it balances out. Just very average.*Mild IBS – negative. Obviously.*Social introvert – neutral. I like to spend time alone because I just enjoy my own time. I don’t usually go out of my way to be social aka make extravagant plans, but I do enjoy the company of friends.Gray privilege traits (Hobbies/traits that I have some control over the outcome, that I do for the sake of personal enjoyment. These can have either positive or negative consequences in being attractive):*Gym on the regular – positive. I work out 3-4 times a week and unsurprisingly have an athletic physique. No six pack, no muscles on muscles, but I have a full chest and can fill out a shirt and pants well. In college, I used to work out to impress the ladies, but since then I realized two things: 1. working out only marginally improves overall attractiveness and 2. it’s more vital to work out for health benefits, especially now that I’m in my 30’s and my digestive system can’t break down the Big Macs and Miller High Life’s as thoroughly anymore.*Volunteer – positive. It’s important for me to interact with many different types of people and I find it fulfilling to be giving back to the community since my current job isn’t one of “nobility” (even though I do find satisfaction in my line of work). Volunteering just elicits so much perspective and positive energy both on how compassionate/humble people really are, and how some people just get dealt a bad hand due to no fault of their own.*Acid Reflux – negative. I am restricted on diet.*Good dancer – positive. I’ve enjoyed dancing since high school and while this is a huge plus when I go out to dancy type places or events, I am not ashamed to admit I hold one-man dance parties at my apartment.*Anxiety – negative. I suffer from high anxiety. I was not born with it, but it became an issue when I worked some high stress jobs. Also, I’m a general worry-wart.*Good paying job – positive. Independent of enjoying the job, paying bills/loans/saving money is a big stress reliever.*Fulfillment of job – neutral. I work in IT and enjoy what I do because I feel it has a positive impact in the world and I enjoy solving problems for customers and my company, but it’s not a “dream” job by any stretch of the means. I was able to pursue a couple dream jobs previously, but what they don’t tell you about some dream jobs is that there is a time limit on how long you can be in a that role before having to move on.Red privilege traits (Things I do to specifically appeal to the opposite sex/appear more attractive that I wouldn’t otherwise do)*Dress nicely and spend time and money on better aesthetically appealing clothes – some men do this because they are big into fashion or because they find this medium to show self expression. Not me. I dress nicely to impress women.*Live in a nicer apartment – the factors that are important to me when figuring out where to live are 1. cost relative to commute, 2. safety, 3. convenience of grocery stores, gym, bars, etc. That said, I probably could get away with paying less to live in a worse apartment where I wouldn’t have to sacrifice point 1, 2, and 3, but I choose to pay a premium for the “wow” factor of not only women, but also friends and family. It’s shallow but it’s really only my one “splurge” item as I don’t own any fancy watches or designer clothing or have memberships to exclusive clubs, or other expensive hobbies so that’s how I justify that.*More expensive haircut and wax my eyebrows.*Lotion, cologne, an extra shower per day.*Meticulousness on dating app and online dating picsSo now you have an idea of what I’m working with. I’d say it’s pretty average on the surface. I’m just a “regular” guy who doesn’t have anything splashy to offer. Yet, I am successful with getting dates and have no problem talking to women in areas of public domain including bars, restaurants, concerts, parties, just being out and about.So what’s my advice on increasing positive interactions with women you are looking to court? Simple: friends. Yes that’s it, friends.I was actually shocked that this concept wasn’t one of the top posts in this sub because out of all the advice I’ve seen (most of it is good advice), none of them touches upon the most basic level of what we already do on a day-to-day basis anyway.So why is having friends important? I mean this is a simple enough question right? Most of us have at least 1 friend, and if you’re lucky maybe more. So how can having friends help the dating life. Again, this is all anecdotal:My friends unintentionally (or intentionally when I ask) provide a good barometer of how attractive I am. Being around someone for a consistent period of time, I feel they know me the best and when I ask them serious questions, they will give me honest answers whether it be genuine compliments of my positive traits (that I usually take for granted), or constructive criticism of my negative ones (because of hubris or lack of awareness). My friends point out when I get flustered, or when I seem disinterested in something, or even when I have body odor/bad breath. Things that I might be projecting subconsciously without even knowing it, that will immediately make me appear unattractive in public, they can corral. Because at the end of the day, we are always changing, subtly, to the point where we might not even notice something, but our friends or family will.Interacting with friends makes me more interesting. Ever run into that situation when you’re on a date and you can’t think of something to talk about? It’s happened to me plenty of times and rather than defensive-mechanizing that my date is the one who is uninteresting, I realized I needed to be more interesting of a person. Not necessarily for the sake of keeping a date interested so much as “what the fuck am I doing with my life that I don’t have anything interesting to say”. I have a decent size circle of 5-10 friends who share a wide variety of interests and have different personalities. This is where I can find out what’s up with today’s current events, what movie they recommend I go see, what electronics they think are cool, how best to diversify my 401k, what’s a good show on Netflix. Point here is that, friends keep me up to date on things I might be unaware of because I’m sitting at home being out of the loop. That said, I’m really only passionate about a few things, but I better be able to explain why I am passionate about those things and why you might could be interested too.Coworkers, clients, partners, and vendors are also great too. Because the interaction here is somewhat “forced” yet organic. Dealing with hostile clients, or Baby Boomer vendors, or hip coworkers further helps me to gauge how my interactions are going. Your friends are your friends, but handling a difficult client/coworker has given me a leg up in situations where I had to interact with women in not the most comfortable situations.Friends introduced me to other people who became my friends. And so my friend circle grew big enough (5-15) people to where in any given year, some would have birthday parties, or house parties, or Super Bowl watch parties, or NYE parties where there would be more people who I would have an opportunity to interact with, already having the advantage of knowing the common friend (or in some cases the friend of the common friend).Good friends offer good peer pressure. They make plans to do stuff in public settings that I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to otherwise do. They keep my calendar filled with things to do. So much so, that I have to turn down events on occasion because I need a night off. And I’m not talking 5 days a week, I’m talking maybe 2-3 things a month on top of just regular hanging out. They have forced me to get out of my comfort zone.Ok, that’s enough of a list for now. I would also like to reiterate that I have anxiety issues and am a social introvert, so while I can be social, I usually prefer not to be any more than socializing with friends or professional in the work setting.What’s my secret to overcoming anxiety and introvertedness for me? Three things of similar vein:embrace the situation I’m in regardless of the things I can’t change. Some people have it easier than me, some people have it worse, though if I focus on what other people are doing, I can’t focus on improving me. One of my favorite songs is “The Best of What’s Around” by DMB because it just epitomizes this point. I have anxiety, IBS, and am introverted. I am aware of these things but I refuse to let them hold me back from becoming the person I want to be.Hold myself accountable to the things I can change (the gray and red privilege). I have no excuses here. If I choose to not improve either my personal fulfillment box or my attractiveness to women box, then I blame only myself and accept the consequences.Attitude. Attractiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from feeling good about yourself. Feeling good about yourself comes from enjoying the things you enjoy for the sake of personal fulfillment like hanging out with friends. When I’m rocking out to a energetic song or am looking forward to an upcoming vacation or dinner party with friends, I get into a good mood. When I’m in a good mood, my posture is improved, I walk and talk with confidence, and subconsciously project an aura of attractiveness. Random conversation flows smoother, wit is sharper, etc. And yes, women notice this to the Nth degree.I’m doing these things and it’s given me a lot of success attracting women, however, I don’t do these things because I am intentionally trying to attract women. It’s just a byproduct of having friends and having those friends unintentionally put me in situations to feel good about me and about life and hence points 1, 2, and 3.Anyway, this is my 2 cents on what works for me and I hope this gives hope to some of the people out there that feel like they are alone in this situation, or that something is too much to overcome. via /r/dating_advice