#rantsome ramblings

[musicaldaydreams]

Gonna be a little bit of venting/covid talk under the cut. ^^; I just need to get this out into the world. And maybe there's an off chance someone sees this who knows more than me. (TLDR if anyone knows of updated information on Covid that is neither "sweeping it under the rug" nor "everyone is doomed forever" please throw it at me.)

There's not any easily-accessible information that's kept up to date anymore and it's kind of killing me. I hear some doctors (mine) say "It's still not something you want to catch, but symptoms are generally milder and the risk of serious complications is low. It's acting very much like a flu these days" and I hear other doctors saying "If you catch it even once, even mildly, your body is severely messed up, and we don't know yet whether it's for life or not. It's a plague and anyone who catches it is a ticking time bomb for serious complications afterwards." And I don't know what to believe, how scared I need to be, so I just default to "terrified, all the time". (Existing health OCD meshes so well with it. >.<) Especially since I had it back in October (a mild case, I think) I'm just constantly on ultra-high-alert. If my sinuses are a bit irritated, or my face feels warm, or i get a slight headache, I'll have a huge anxiety attack. If a muscle hurts a bit I worry it's a blood clot and have a huge anxiety attack. I cross stores to avoid passing someone in an aisle, and if I can't, I hold my breath and get very anxious.If someone coughs in earshot of me, every muscle in my body tenses up and I feel sick. I always wear an N95 mask and socially distance in public, but the lack of information means I'm just constantly 2 seconds away from breaking down in severe panic at any moment. I don't know how likely I am to catch it again before I can get my next vaccine (3 months from now, apparently. It's terrifying.) I don't know how much danger different groups are in. My risk evaluation skills are completely broken and I'm pretty sure I'm more terrified/paranoid now than i was even at the beginning of the pandemic. At least then I knew what was going on.

[musicaldaydreams]

I hate getting distressed because of boredom. Both because of the distress itself and because it makes me feel like a spoiled whiny child.

(even though it feels like the mental/emotional version of sensory deprivation and I get knots in my stomach that keep getting tighter, and logically I know I'm *not* just being whiny but I feel like I *should* be able to just get past it)

[musicaldaydreams]

*remembers cliffhangers are a thing* okay- *remembers she has OCD and severe discomfort with anything unresolved*  stomach please stop with the knots it’s almost midnight

[musicaldaydreams]

I’m feeling really lonely and sad right now. I want to hug my friends in person and make plans and do stuff with them and I’m so far away and I hate it it hurts so badly