#real hard to stay afloat in this baby-adopt-baby world

[sea-buns]

[takes a long drag of a cigar]

[viviienne]

     (  sophia bush  .  cis female  .  she / her  .  )    that’s  vivienne george - alden walking  in  to  the lookout  -  you  know  ,  the  thirty - eight  year  old  veterinarian  known  for the short-lived and ill-fated advice column she ran when she was in college   ?  having  lived  here  for  two weeks ( previously thirty - one years )  ,  their  neighbors  know  them  to  be  percipient  &  convival  ,  but  their  brittle  &  obstinate  tendencies  shine  through  when  there  are  no  buses  in  to  the  city  .   ———   @30extra​ .

𝐨𝐨𝐜.

i tried making this short, i really did, but... whoops. anyways, hi, i’m red ! twenty4, she / her, eastern timezone, and i’m so grateful for this group because? i can’t write young, hip, twenty-something muses any longer? this is my lil’ ghostin’ girl, viv, back in town for all kinds of drama and shenanigans. i can’t wait to start writing with all of you. x

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨.

full name: vivienne daphne george - alden. 

age & birthdate: 38 , april 29th, 1984.

zodiac: taurus sun, aries moon, sagittarius rising her whole chart is a disaster.

gender & pronouns: cis female, she / her / hers.

orientation: bisexual biromantic.

relationship status: it’s real complicated.

𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭.

trigger warnings : mentions of teenage pregnancy, seizure, cancer, death, miscarriage . 

vivienne was born in new orleans to a woman named julia taylor, a seventeen year old in high school who believed the promises of a boy who vanished shortly after learning of the pregnancy. scared, barely staying afloat, and not ready for a child, julia made the choice to give her daughter up for adoption. she did so unaware of the couple that would be taking her daughter and ensuring that they had no way to contact her — she wanted a second chance at her life, and after giving birth, vivienne made her way into the arms of john and tallulah george, a couple who were suffering infertility issues as they expanded their family, and thankful for the blessing someone else had bestowed upon them in the form of their daughter.

vivienne grew up comfortably in lakeview with her parents, two older brothers ( and later a little sister, the “ rainbow ” baby to her parents ) and the family dog, norman. tallulah taught fifth grade at the local elementary school, and john worked a corporate job in new orleans. they were your quintessential all - american family, the kind you’d see attending every friday night football game decked out in the home team’s gear because a neighbor’s kid or a friend of someone’s child was out on the field, in the stands, on the sidelines — they enjoyed being in the presence of others, supporting and uplifting, getting out of the house and experiencing their little corner of the world to its fullest.

the third in line of the george kids, viv was set to make her own way — sharp as a whip, talented on the soccer field, and a bubbly personality to boot, it wasn’t hard for friends to be made, boys to try to catch the attention of, her own path taking a shape seen dozens of times before. 

and then, without fanfare or warning of any kind, the road seemingly fell off a cliff : one random wednesday night, tallulah experienced a seizure right before she went to bed, panicking the entire family. vivienne’s response was to lock her door from the ensuing chaos outside in the hallway as 911 was called and paramedics arrived. it shook the entire family, for someone who seemed a perfect photo of health as tallulah to fall into a coma after experiencing yet another seizure in the hospital, experiencing kidney failure as caused by a silent spread of multiple myeloma. vivienne missed the first three weeks of her junior year of high school sleeping in hospital chairs, waiting for her mother to pass away at any given moment per the doctor’s bleak prognosis. miracles seemed to be on their side, as tallulah woke up and, despite the newfound knowledge of her kidney failure and a cancer that promised to take her within the year, was in good spirits. they would have another few years together before she passed away. 

vivienne had known keith her entire life, it seemed, and although no one claimed it would be a surprise should they end up together, it came out of nowhere for viv. one day, he was there, a thorn in her side from all the pestering from her parents, and the next, he just was. he was her rock throughout the ordeal with her mother, and she was next to him every step of the way when his career - ending injury kept him from the nfl. married young — vivienne didn’t want to waste the time she knew they weren’t promised, and wanted her mother to be able to attend the wedding — and vivienne making plans to use her degree in biology to teach high school, they were nestling in to eventually start a family. 

vivienne’s spark grew dull as the next few years of her life droned by, the flame of her marriage to keith beginning to dim as well. the positive pregnancy test seemed to be a good omen, finally, a nod from her late mother that she was where she was meant to be. it was only a few weeks in when, one afternoon at work, the pain in her abdomen began and blood was present when she was finally able to make it to the bathroom. she took an emergency half-day and drove herself to the doctor, where they confirmed she had suffered a miscarriage. the news devastated vivienne, hollowing her out and leaving her awake that night while keith slept next to her with nothing but her thoughts to aggravate her further. she stared at the ceiling fan, tears in her eyes, and felt something in her break. she was done. she had to be. if this was life, she could no longer live like this.

against better judgment and acting fully on impulse, vivienne quit her job the following day, booked a one-way plane ticket to a city she’d always wanted to visit but never had, and, after keith had gone to bed, called a car to take her to msy with nothing but a letter left on their kitchen table profusely apologizing. guilt gnawed at her for not telling him in person, not asking him to go with her, but she needed to find herself again — who was vivienne, without the trauma and complacency and grief and the role she had slipped into so easily that it had consumed her entire being? 

viv found herself in seattle, then new york, then chicago, and then portland. she went back to school and got a doctorate in veterinary medicine; she went to therapy and wrote close to 100 letters to keith that she’d never send ( but she would send one — petition for divorce ), she danced on bar tops and stopped calling her siblings, she realized that the world was bigger than her small town and that she was inconsequentially small, so small that the universe and her demons began overlooking her. she came to terms with herself in her seven years away and felt like she was more than just a copied and pasted sentiment someone had had about her once. she felt real, the kind of real she’d only felt in her adolescence prior to her mother’s health left-field turn. 

but all good things must come to an end : she’s back in lakeview, a father to visit now that he’s found a companion he’d like her to Officially Meet, and a husband that she has to have a lifetime’s worth of conversations. or not. i’m taking creative liberties here, saying that the the former vet in town has stepped down for retirement, and thanks to those good ol’ family connections, vivienne was able to slip ‘n slide right into the position. yeehaw, everyone !

𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐬.

roommate — viv doesn’t necessarily feel comfortable returning to her home that she once shared with her estranged husband, nor does she have any preconceived notions she’d be welcome there, so it’d be nice for her to have a roomie as she gets re - adjusted.

former coworkers / friends — viv has lived in lakeview her whole life, plus taught biology on the high school level before she just... up and quit, so gimme people who have speculated in the teacher’s lounge about her houdini act, people she fell out of touch with after disappearing who are hurt by what she did, high school acquaintances that are like “ oh, so you’re back now ” ; it’s a small town, so everyone best be up in her business !

best friend — this is the one person that vivienne talked to while she was away. inseparable. will call her on her shit as they get wine drunk, but the well-needed voice of reason in vivienne’s life.

[orangeeveningsky]

On Getting Hitched and Its Dissociation with H.E.A

My dearest TUMBLR,

I’ve missed you so bad ever since you’ve been blocked by my country in 2018!

I know, I know.

I'm sorry that I've made promises that I would be a diligent writer and I failed it yet again because I’m such a lazy chit.

Anyway, it came as no surprise that the one thing that I would post after I went M.I.A for many moons is some food for thoughts. I wrote the initial premise back in 2018 and was planning to post the whole thing before the "positive internet" strike.

It's been a while since my first draft--originally it was a review of some sort for Because This Is My First Life, the 2017 K-drama--so, I decided to edit the draft.

It all started with some questions that I had in mind after watching the drama series and experiencing some turbulences that happened in my life during the same time:

"What is marriage?"

Is it the union of two people in love with each other and want to cherish their love for the rest of their passing breaths, in the eyes of God and all his mortals?

Is it merely a status that will ensure convenience on both parties involved, for a very long time?

Is it an old, outdated, ancient concept created by our ancestors’ to bind two people for the rest of their lives together, for them to sire legitimate offsprings?

Which one is the true definition of the holy matrimony?

Those were the questions and I have yet to find the answers. It's been two years, and it still stayed at the back of my mind. It crawls out of there every time someone mentioned marriage or weddings or starting a family, basically any marital kinds of stuff.

Well, truth be told, marriage is not for everyone.

My 16 year old, sheltered, and sickeningly romantic self would gasp in horror to that statement. It's true. I grew up in a society that viewed-- hang on, it still does--marriage as some sort of life achievement, especially for women.

The ideal life viewed in this particular society is something like this:

Growing up -> go to school -> go to university -> get a job -> get married -> have kids -> have a harmonious happily ever after a.k.a H.E.A.

In real life, that ideal life usually went down to the nearest bin, as reality sucked and bit all of it to shreds.

You know what, some people aren't keen enough to commit and be responsible for their choices, let alone to be committed to something permanent like holy matrimony, for the rest of their lives. The alarms would go off for them.

However, even those fellas might still get married. It could be because of social pressures, the need to have a "successful life", some serious case of F.O.M.O., or they just fell in love with someone and felt that they have to marry them because that's what people do after some time of dating, right?

Have a lovely wedding, go on a honeymoon to some exotic place, procreate, have lots of cute kids, and boom! you're guaranteed a wonderful life ahead of you.

..or probably not.

Most of the time, people become disillusioned with the H.E.A stories often shown in fiction, mainstream media, and even social media-- which ahem, consists of well-curated feeds-- to a point where they ignored the shenanigans and horrors that will come after the wedding ceremony. They jumped to the wedding with flowery path expectations, and when the marriage started after the wedding, they were unprepared for the rotten buds.

Those fellas who got married just for the sake of it, might crash their marriage as they were not yet ready for the responsibilities and hard work that comes with marriage, and will end up hurting their spouse (and children), through marital affairs, abandonment, or just general neglect.

It's actually very sad and disheartening that many marriages end in a divorce and most of them are for the best. Certainly, it's happier to end a broken marriage rather than keeping it afloat just for the sake of the children or just for the sake of keeping their social status, their family name, you name it. Sure, the children will suffer a lot, but I personally think it's better the parents separated earlier rather than trying to keep the broken marriage and ended up raising their children in an already ruined household.

On the other hand, we've got lots of people who are decent responsible adults, but they don't want to get married. They decided to stay single for some reasons, and hey, that's fine too. Sadly, society is harsh on them, especially if they are unmarried women. They get all sorts of names (ever heard of "Old Bachelor"? why do we only hear "Old Maid" all the time?), they get pigeonholed in the society as well, they hear hearsays and all sorts of rumor spread around about them. It's as if they had committed the biggest crime or sin just by not being married.

In my understanding, it's mostly rooted in the "marriage is an accomplishment" belief and the more religious one, "marriage is one of the pinnacles of your good deeds to your faith" as if we don't have other good deeds options. Ironically for the latter, many people did get married just to be able to get laid with their lover and not be seen as a heathen or an adulterer in their religious comunity--I'm not kidding, it happens all the time! those poor couples just happened to be dating for some years, but then some gossipy neighbors started to put fuel to the fire and lo and behold, those couples were immediately married off by their parents, nevermind that they haven't reached the legal age.

The hardcore religious people hid behind the good deeds excuse and reduced the holy matrimony into something to legalize-- halalize if you will-- their sex. Very opportunistic and dirty, indeed. 

It's disgusting that it's what many people campaigned for, nowadays. Well, at least in my country they do. They even made some social media accounts, blatantly promoting marriage as an excuse to deflower some girl--gosh, I sounded like my granny here. In such campaigns, they even dared to put a list of what an ideal wife should have...in the patriarchy book. But they never put any emphasis on decent husbands.

Mostly those social media accounts just posted some corny analogies that ended up insulting females in general. It's maddening that they have a massive following and they just keep growing, even after so many backlashes.

Anyway, in another spectrum, there are also people who got married because they were in love or at the very least, can tolerate each other even during their worst moments, and they’re sure that they were meant to conquer the world together--this would be one of the coolest motivations. 

Viva world domination, baby!

In all seriousness though, I think many people did get married because they liked or even loved each other at some point before they decided to wed. You see, most of us dreamed of having a marriage out of love--again, all those fairytales and fictions weren't helping. 

For me personally, I used to be such an extreme hopeless romantic and would go out of my way to make sure that I would have to be head over heels with someone and they would have to be hopelessly in love with me as well before I decided to get married.

See? That's some ridiculous naivety right there.

However, it all changed--and in retrospect, I can never be more thankful-- after I’ve witnessed with my own eyes, that marriage can't last through any kind of disasters, if it's only based on love alone.

Love will fade.

That's a pity, but it will happen sooner or later in the marriage. The flames might still be around somewhere, but it needed some sort of fuel to keep the marriage blazing. That fuel might come in the forms of trust, commitment, honesty, good communication, and other secret ingredients of a long-lasting and tolerable marriage that was never mentioned in any fairytales alike, yet available to procure just by observing other people's marriages around us.

For the world domination part, let's imagine if there is no mutual orientations or visions between the couple in their marriage.

If there is no foundation for a home, it will easily fall apart.

Everyone needs a purpose in their life.

Everyone needs a purpose to keep doing what they do. They need to have some sort of goals to accomplish, or else they would give up all too soon. It's easy to break one's promise if one doesn't have enough reason and/or motivation to stick to.

Well, world domination might be hard enough to accomplish, but there are plenty of other goals that can be mutually agreed by the couple. Supporting their spouse in their aspirations, listening to each other's deepest fears and cheapest thrills, be the life companion for each other. 

Raise the family if they want to have children, taking good care of their kids, make sure to provide a safe environment and good upbringing for them. Even if they were not yet ready, or not planning to raise any children and just want to adopt a pet, they need to make sure to be caring parents to their pet. And the list is endless. Good communication and transparency are important in setting these mutual goals.

Oh, one last thing, meddling families can be a chore, sometimes.

This is something that can cause problems in the marriage. However, I still think that the couple will need help from their families from time to time-- which was actually one of my issues with how BTIMFL resolved their big families hullaballoo. In real life, avoiding families and/or in-laws' is no easy feat and it's something that if it’s done, could come across as rude and disrespectful. 

When we married someone, we married into the family as well. We got a new spouse and a new family all at once, how convenient! 

However, maybe not so much.

Not all of the family members will welcome the new member with the warmest and biggest hugs. But still, we became part of the flock and it's important to reach an understanding with our spouse of how far our big families will be involved in our marriage.

I think most of the family members, especially the parents, only want the best for their children's marriage. The intention is noble most of the time, but the manner of their assistance combined with their ego and other dilemmas might be a recipe for a time bomb in their children's marriage. 

Furthermore, overbearing family and in-laws do exist in real life, albeit many of them is a more toned-down version of their dramaland's counterparts. Thank God.

In the end, after writing this post, there are some realizations that I discovered for myself:

a) I still believe that the kind of so-called relationship goals--in regards to marriage, not dating-- that I aspire to have is the marriage of justice RBG and her late husband, Marty. Their equal marriage is way ahead of their time and is not something that many people are lucky enough to have, even in this day and age, more than 60 years after their wedding.

b) I will probably most likely get married when/if I met some guy who liked me enough, could tolerate my random ramblings, and might be willing to participate in my convoluted mini world domination plan, despite all the shortcomings and hustle bustles that awaits in the marriage jet coaster.

c) I will have a hard time to re-create something like a) but perhaps, given the right spouse--whoever he might be-- maybe I will be able to at least have a decent marriage where my future husband and I can laugh at my follies in this tumble until both of us felt giddy and breathless, in the future. Who knows.