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allenmendezsr · 4 years

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The Anti-anxiety Recipe Plan

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The Anti-anxiety Recipe Plan

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ATTENTION: For anyone that struggles with high-stress levels, depression, insomnia, or a troubled state of mind, you can discover…

Dear Friend,

It’s time to put yourself back in the driver’s seat of your life.

Poor mental health is a serious subject, and it should never be taken lightly.

Over the next few minutes, I’m going to share with you how you can attack one of the major contributors of anxiety.

Your stress, worry, and fears should never dictate how you should live your life ever again…

And you can conquer these feelings, WITHOUT taking any medication to “temporarily” ease your mind.

First, you need to understand that the key to feeling calm and collected and not “lost in your head” is to master what some doctors call “your second brain.”

I know it sounds crazy, but let me explain.

Introducing…

Listen: there is no one simple cure for anxiety.

Since there are a lot of different variables that lead to it, it takes more than one change to get rid of anxiety for good.

You see, most people don’t “get” how your diet plays a MAJOR role with how the rest of your body, and more importantly, your mind functions.

Enter The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan.

If you’re someone who suffers from anxiety, this recipe book will help you take an entirely natural approach to improve your mind and well-being.

You’ve heard this saying before—

“You are what you eat.”

And according to research from John Hopkins Medical School, whenever you’re nervous or anxious, you’re likely getting signals from an unexpected source—your gut.

AKA your “second brain.”

It’s the reason why you’ll feel your stomach “act up” right before an important event, like a job interview or even a hot date.

Studies like this are revolutionizing the way people look at digestion, mood, your health, and yes, the way you think.

The recipes inside The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan remove ingredients that inflame your gut, leave you in a sluggish mental state, or trigger anxiety.

That’s why the launch for this book is taking the health and wellness community by storm…

Instead of eating recipes full of refined and unnatural foods, The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan uses ingredients like antioxidants, healthy fats, and healing herbs.

And they’re not just good for you. Inside, you’ll find 50+ anxiety-relieving recipes so mouth-watering, they’ll blow your favorite stuffed crust pizza out of the water.

Dishes like Korean Style Steak and Kimchi Wraps…Sweet Potato Frittatas…Turmeric Tahini Buddha Bowls…Crispy Baked Chicken Cutlets…and Lemon Poppylicious Energy Balls

(And they blast anxiety away with each bite)

These “Holistic Mind Soothing Ingredients” are time-tested, proven, all-natural ingredients that BANISH anxiety and SOOTHE your mind.

Not only that, but you can use them to regain your health, energy, and vitality.

How?

Each recipe leverages the power of the Paleo Diet.

Because sure, Paleo is still making waves everywhere.

It’s recently been featured on popular shows like Rachael Ray and Dr. Oz, and it’s backed by leading Doctors and Nutritionists. It’s even used by celebrities like Megan Fox, Jessica Biel, and Anne Hathaway!

And for good reason:

The Paleo diet works by eating whole foods that have kept humans healthy for centuries.

The core principles are simple:

No processed foods

No dairy

No refined sugars

Basically, if your “stone age ancestors” didn’t eat it, neither should you.

Every meal in this diet usually has 2/3 vegetables and 1/3 of lean protein, fruits, and healthy fat.

However, it’s not all fun and games…

Because before today, going Paleo meant giving up ALL gluten, dairy, processed sugar, and artificial ingredients.

HOWEVER…

The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan is changing all of that…

And lets us indulge in appetizing, paleo-friendly versions of everything we’re told to “give up” on the paleo diet.

Imagine!

Avo Choco Mousse…Maple Macaroons…Cherry Chocolate Chip Smoothies…Cinnamon Apples…

Wait until you see the gorgeous photos below.

But before we get there, allow me to introduce myself:

Hi, my name is Danny Jeffers.

I’m a health and wellness enthusiast and for years I’ve struggled with life-crippling anxiety. That’s why for the past six months, I’ve been obsessed with one single goal…

Today, I’m proud to say I’ve finally cracked the “Anxiety-Code”. I’ve discovered 50+ Anti-Anxiety recipes that are downright to-die-for…

And I want to share them with you too.

So you can nourish both your mind and body, live a life full of energy, and escape your negative thoughts…

WITHOUT using medication.

WITHOUT giving up your favorite guilty pleasures.

And WITHOUT eating the same, bland foods every day.

What’s more: these recipes will work for you even if you’ve tried other diets…

You see, you don’t have to be a whiz in the kitchen, and you don’t need to give up hours of your time to figure out each recipe.

The holistic, mind-soothing ingredients in The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan are here to calm you down, not cause any more stress.

It’s difficult to share but I think it’s important so here we go…

I didn’t know I was going to end up in the ER that day.

It was a regular Thursday morning. And as I got out of bed, I whipped up what I thought at the time, was a “healthy” breakfast.

If you saw me in public you would think nothing was wrong with me.

I exercised every day, had a good job, a girlfriend, and had a ton of friends.

Yet despite looking like everything was “right” in my life, I was exhausted and beat myself up daily with self-criticism.

I hated my life for no good reason at all…

My mind was foggy. My head was constantly dizzy.

I just felt so…off.

Sound familiar?

At the same time, I felt like I had to always be “on edge.”

I overthought EVERYTHING.

Sometimes it felt like I would just “forget” how to talk to people too.

“Should I talk now?”

“Am I saying the right thing?”

“How do I know everything is going to be okay?”

But it gets worse.

These “symptoms” only scratch the surface.

Because the second noon hit that day, it was like someone hijacked my mind.

I was in the middle of a small meeting for my work, right in the heart of downtown Santa Monica, California.

Something in my head screamed at me to leave NOW.

I swear, it was like my mind was warning me that I was being chased down by a tiger.

My breathing grew heavy, so I stood up and rushed outside of the building to get some fresh air.

But still, I could sense my anxiety clawing right through my skin…

I looked around me.

It really was a beautiful day in Santa Monica, the sun was shining, the palm trees swaying…

But underneath it all, I felt broken.

I thought to myself, “did somebody drug me?”

Nothing made sense.

After pacing around the streets like a madman, I used my shaky hands to call up an Uber so I could retreat to my home.

I just knew I couldn’t stay here.

Then, after waiting for what felt like HOURS I finally got into my Uber and continued to sweat bullets.

Inside the car, I desperately scrambled to tell my driver that I NEEDED to go to the ER NOW.

He rushed me over.

And as you can probably guess, they couldn’t tell me a straight answer for what was wrong with me.

A kind nurse told me it might’ve been just vertigo and it would eventually “go away.”

The rest of the staff said to “sleep it off…”

Seriously?

That was the best answer I could get?

I must’ve been going insane. I wanted to give up.

Was this just a one-time thing?

But for the next few months, my anxiety would rear its ugly head again…

My negative self-talk would creep in at random parts of the day.

And my brain would fire off alarm bells during normal moments…

Like right before an important presentation I had to give at work…

While talking to a coworker…

Sitting in a crowded room with strangers…or friends…

And even while getting a haircut…!

This intense anxiety dripped into other parts of my life too…

Eventually, I couldn’t focus at work anymore.

And my relationship with my beautiful girlfriend strained.

I felt suffocated from it all.

But here’s the thing.

I never told anyone I suffered from anxiety.

That’s because I didn’t want to deal with the “stigma” or feel embarrassed over it.

Still, I couldn’t stand feeling this way anymore.

I started experimenting with antidepressants.

Whenever doctors would prescribe me medicine or a new over the counter pill, I would ask them if I could have three more…

I just wanted to do whatever it took to finally BANISH my anxiety for good.

You name it, I’ve tried it.

Yet nothing really worked.

Sometimes they would only make me feel a little better…

But I still felt some symptoms.

The rush of uncertainty….

The heightened senses…

Me questioning every tiny thing…

And that’s IF I didn’t feel like a zombie.

I couldn’t go on like this.

So I started looking for a holistic approach.

No, not meditation.

It’s already hard enough to meditate WITHOUT anxiety, how in the world would I be able to “clear my mind” with it?

I thought I could find something else.

The more I dove into this problem, the more I learned.

And then I discovered that…

Remember what I mentioned earlier.

Some doctors call your gut “the second brain.”

Sounds strange but it’s true.

Your gut and mind are connected.

Together, they help determine your overall health, so when your gut health is out of balance, your body and mind will know it too!

Like I said, I discovered this after reviewing studies from John Hopkins Medical School, Harvard, The National Center for Biotechnology, and Psychology Today.

For example, you probably already knew that most fried foods like french fries, chicken, and onion rings are terrible for your health.

They’re cooked in hydrogenated oil so they’re harder to digest.

These foods will sap your energy levels, even HOURS after you eat them!

Yet it may surprise you to know that some “everyday” foods you might think are “healthy” for you, throw your entire nervous system out of whack too.

Sometimes, their negative effect is so powerful, you can overstimulate your nervous system to the point that it feels like you’re reliving a stressful life event or bad memory.

And I’m not just talking about coffee, or anything with caffeine either.

Too much dairy and something as simple as your favorite fruit juice can also give you fatigue and make it difficult to concentrate.

I took a good, hard look at my diet and what I’ve been feeding “my second brain” for years…

Here I was lost in my daily dose of mental hell, and the reason was right in front of me this entire time…

So now you know that your gut has a deeper connection to the rest of your body, and especially your anxiety…

What do you do?

You can’t “numb” your senses with medication, because they only help “manage” your anxiety for the short term.

And you can’t just “skip” certain meals, because the drop in your body’s sugar levels can lead to a spike in anxiety too!

When one of my friends introduced me to an all-natural, real food, paleo diet… my state of mind finally began to return to normal.

Almost instantly, my brain fog, dizziness, and near fight-or-flight symptoms vanished.

My anxiety wasn’t gnawing at my conscious 24/7.

And for the first time in what must’ve been YEARS, I was overflowing with real, natural joy.

But like I said before, the only drawback?

Paleo makes you cut grains, high-fat meats, sugar, salty foods…

The list goes on…

Basically this means I couldn’t keep eating anything tasty.

My pizza, doughnuts, and everything in between.

As a result, my cravings went bonkers!

Perhaps you can relate:

I wanted to chow down on cheesecake after dinner…

I wanted to devour a frozen pizza with my friends and watch Game of Thrones with a cold one in my hand…

And there’s nothing else out there that hits the spot like my mom’s infamous spaghetti and meatballs.

But now I couldn’t indulge in any of those guilty pleasures…

So I searched far and wide, looking for a chef who understood the deep relationship food has with your mind…

Not only that, but I was also looking for someone who knew how to whip-up delicious, mouth-watering meals in a snap.

And that’s when I met…

Let me introduce, Melissa.

Melissa is a certified nutritional chef and graduate from The Academy of Culinary Nutrition.

She has a knack for re-creating “unhealthy dishes” and turning them into a healthy meal packed with flavor.

You’ve probably seen some of her recipes cooked on Dr. Oz, and featured on The Kitchen Blog for Fisher, Paykel Appliances, and Readers Digest.

Melissa gets it.

Not only is she extremely passionate about cooking, but she loves sharing her knowledge of all things health.

I got the chance to meet her in New York City after going to one of her health and wellness workshops.

At the event, she talked about her personalized nutrition programs, and she gave a demonstration of one of her original recipes.

But what really struck a chord with me was when she talked about the “gut-brain connection” I already did a ton of research on.

When the event ended, I went up to her and shared with her what I’ve learned about this subject too.

She was open with me and she shared her struggles with chronic stress, food sensitivities, fatigue, and anxiety.

At first she thought there was nothing seriously wrong with her…maybe you’re like her.

You see, she worked long hours and was a “road warrior” that was constantly on the go.

Whenever she would visit a traditional doctor to tackle this problem, they would just try to give her pills…

But there was no way she would go through that downward spiral.

Instead, she took another close look at her recipes.

She figured out how she could adjust them so that they would not only help her with food allergies, but also with her stress and anxiety too!

And of course, as a top chef, she knew she had made sure they were delicious.

The result?

The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan, her new recipe book filled with 50+ mouth-watering anxiety relieving recipes that lets you indulge while keeping your mind clear and your heart happy.

While I was with her in person, she shared with me a couple of the dishes she put together in her book.

I sampled them, and had to double check with her to ask her again what the ingredients were…

I told her right then that she had to share the recipes in this book with more people.

Listen: no one wants to force bland, lifeless food down their throat.

That’s why Inside The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan, you can be rest assured, every recipe is bursting with flavor.

Each bite of the chocolate chip muffins or cranberry orange bread is warm and scrumptious.

The mouth-watering sweet potato frittata is savory.

And the chicken cutlets and broiled salmon are rich and filling.

The cherry on top is that if you’re looking to shed an extra few pounds and feel more energized than ever, they can be made PALEO…

What’s cool is most of these can be made within minutes… and without any expensive equipment.

Meaning using exactly what you have laying around your kitchen right now, you can dig in immediately after work… guilt free!

You can forget having to go to different grocery stores every week…

Each ingredient can be found at your local grocery chain. So these recipes aren’t just delicious and good for you, they’re convenient too!

Goodbye grueling grocery store visits… hello easy mood and easy food.

Remember: each recipe is natural and nourishes your “second brain.” This means you won’t have to deal with any weird chemicals.

For each page, there’s a nutritional breakdown and explanation for how each ingredient soothes your mind and body.

So the bottom line is this: there’s something for everyone!

And just to reiterate one more time…

Look: nobody likes complicated recipes, especially if you’re someone suffering from anxiety and high-stress levels.

That’s why each recipe in The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan is made simple!

Most can be prepared in 15-30 minutes…

And some, even quicker!

Don’t worry, you don’t have to be Gordon Ramsay to whip these up.

Even if you struggle to prepare the most basic recipes, you’ll still be able to make these tasty, mind-soothing meals, snacks, and desserts in The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan with no problem.

You might also be concerned about the ingredients…

And specifically, where you can get them…

Now, I’ll be straight with you:

If this is your first cookbook, then sure, some of the ingredients will be new.

But most — if not all — are laying around your kitchen already.

Things like cinnamon, baking soda, lemon juice…

And any ingredients you need to get can be found in your closest “normal” grocery store or found online (from the comfort of your own home) on Amazon.

Plus each recipe includes a breakdown of how fast it takes to make each meal. You’ll also have an inside look behind HOW each ingredient nourishes both your mind and body.

I wanted to share with you what’s included in The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan because originally, the price for this hovered over $65.

However, Melissa and her the publisher’s have agreed to give this away for NOWHERE near that amount!

All in all, you’re getting:

And I’m even going to make sure that you don’t risk a penny when you pick up a copy of The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan today.

That’s because you’re backed by this…

I want to share this recipe book with you, at no risk.

All the pressure is on me.

Why am I doing this?

Because I’ve been there.

I know what it feels like to try and make a difference in your health and well-being.

And I know how it is to try and make something healthy and delicious at the end of every anxiety-ridden day.

I get how complicated things can get in the kitchen.

So regardless if this is your first time on the paleo diet, or your first time cooking real, natural food that’s good for your health and well-being.

I want you to experience the life-changing benefits I went through with these holistic, mind-soothing ingredients.

And The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan does just that.

You’re at a crossroads now.

You can do what I did and spend the next few months or even YEARS testing out every antidepressant you can imagine trying to get rid of your anxiety alone…

Spending thousands of dollars on doctors visits, therapy sessions, and more…

Only to still “get by” trapped inside your mental prison…

Or… you can skip all of that insanity, ditch the pills, and save a ton of money by investing in your health today.

And remember, Melissa’s publishers are giving away this $65+ value recipe plan… All for the price of a medium size pizza.

It’s an investment in your happiness … which I’m sure is worth a lot more to you than the tiny cost of this recipe book.

Don’t you agree?

And remember, you risk nothing. You have a full 60 days to try out these recipes in The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan yourself.

If you’re not jumping with joy over your improved mood, clearer mind, and if you’re not excited about how mouth-watering these recipes are…

You don’t pay a dime. The recipe book will still be yours to keep, as a “thank you” for trying.

Let’s do this — together — click the button below and claim your copy of The Anti-Anxiety Recipe Plan right now:

Q: How will these recipes get rid of my anxiety?

Your mind and body are connected. In fact, some doctors call your gut the “second brain.” That’s why whenever you feel nervous, your stomach may growl or you’ll feel a little queasy.

So if you’re feeding your body the wrong foods, you’ll notice you feel more anxious, sluggish, and just “not right.”

The delicious meals inside The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan are backed by holistic mind-soothing ingredients you can use to nourish your “second brain.”

Q: Can I find all the ingredients in a normal grocery store?

Yes, almost all of the ingredients in The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan can be found in regular grocery stores (i.e. Target, Kroger, Wal-Mart, Publix, etc…) They’re also all on Amazon if you want to shop from the comfort of your own home, and can definitely be found in health food stores like Whole Foods.

Q: Are all meals, including the desserts, paleo-approved?

Yes, all of the breakfast, entrées, sides, salads, soups, and desserts are paleo-approved.

Q: How hard is it to prepare each meal following this book?

A majority of the meals and desserts can be put together in 15 minutes or less (not including cook/chill time) – the recipes are meant to be easy to follow so you can whip up these tasty dishes and treats for yourself and your loved ones with minimal effort.

Q: What allergens are in The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan?

Some of the potential allergens you may want to be aware of include coconut (coconut flour, coconut oil, coconut milk/cream, and coconut butter), nuts (like almonds, cashews, macadamia nuts, and pecans), and eggs. Options for using butter or ghee in some recipes can easily be replaced with coconut oil to avoid all dairy.

Q: Is The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan really backed by a 100% money-back-guarantee?

Yes. You risk nothing. You have a full 60 days to try out these recipes in The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan yourself.

If you’re not jumping with joy over your improved mood, clearer mind, and if you’re not excited about how mouth-watering these recipes are…

You don’t pay a dime. The recipe book will still be yours to keep, as a “thank you” for trying.

Q: I still don’t believe these recipes can end my intense anxiety. How is this different and what really makes this work?

Intense anxiety or depression is nothing to take lightly. I know, because I struggled with both for not months, but years.

The Anti Anxiety Recipe Plan is different because it takes a natural, holistic approach to restore balance back to your mind, health, and well-being.

Sure, sometimes the strongest medical pills out there can “temporarily” relieve your suffering…but why not attack a major source for your anxiety and nourish your mind with the right nutrients instead?

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im-on-a-bloodbuzz · 5 years

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I finally fucking hate you

Before recently you still had hold on me, I still loved you and worried about your well-being. I won’t deny that this kind of clarity may not last and this is not going to be just be me telling one sided bullshit. I know that I was being toxic too, but I honestly believe that it was a result of the delusion that was our relationship.

Most of the trouble started after the 6 month mark (December 17-February 18), when I decided to do digital sex work so I could start paying for stuff myself. You said it was ok as long as you weren’t involved and I didn’t do it near you, so I did. You were so passive aggressive towards me that after a month I had to ask you again. You said you were disgusted that I was ok with so many men seeing my body. I had 1 client and most of my public pics were: 1. artsy nudes that often didn’t show much and were definitely softcore porn at best 2. Most of the likes and reblogs were from OTHER SEX WORKERS! And you must have known that because I know you visited that blog a lot to keep tabs on me. I really wanted to break up with you then but I thought that I’m not the type of person to choose career over relationships. But it was more than that, you were slut shaming me. But I’m that moment you made it sound like all you wanted to do was protect me from creeps and I bought it, but you’re the fucking creep.

At some point, I can’t remember when but I believe it was after the first big incident, we had L and C over (using initials because I’m not an asshole this is public). We were in the living room, hanging out on the couch either watching tv or listening to music. You had started touching my inner thigh and I felt kinda uncomfortable, but I kinda brushed it off because I thought you were just feeling a little extra cuddly. But then you started rubbing my crotch over my underwear, so I tried to move it. Apparently that meant to you that you could put your hand in my underwear now. I couldn’t say anything or even make a gesture to you cause it was making feel so anxious, especially with L and C being right next to us. C noticed and called it out, but he didn’t realize that I was actively trying to not be a part of this. It took me so long to admit to myself that there was absolutely no consent in that situation. I may have honestly been because you acted like nothing happened and I was just “going along with it to appease your exhibition kink, it’s just cause they find it so cute when I’m flustered”. No. It was not ok and I was always the one apologizing to L and C.

Now I’ll admit some of my shit... I got way too reactive in the periods you had low libido. I didn’t know how to express my frustration without making it seem like I was trying to guilt you and I wish I had worked on that more. When I started having panic attacks I wanted to leave to room, but you didn’t want to leave me alone and I knew the pattern too well. You would console me, we would smoke and then you would initiate sex. I would ask you 5-15 times “are you sure? we don’t have to” and you would insist. Sometimes it would end with me crying because I didn’t believe it. Apparently I was right, because C told me that you felt like you had to, because otherwise you weren’t “enough”. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that you felt that way. What the fuck is “enough” I didn’t care about enough I just cared about you. I wasn’t freaking out because you weren’t fucking me I was freaking out because I would feel guilty about wanting sex so often.

That “enough” shit haunted me and I didn’t realize until now why. It was because you were insinuating that I was thinking about fucking other people because you wouldn’t. The whole relationship you made me feel like a slut, but I barely interacted with anyone while we were together, especially if you weren’t glued to my side. When I was out with you treated me like arm candy. You loved when people would get jealous of you for having me as your partner, because you loved having the pretty doll that nobody else could touch. You made sure to establish me as your territory whenever possible, especially when you were drunk. You must know how absolutely disgusting I found you when you where drunk, I had made sure to CLEARLY establish boundaries with pda from the start but none of it mattered to you. You would grab and pull me wherever the fuck you wanted and stick your booze-soaked tongue down my throat whenever you wanted.

At around March I wanted to be more independent and you weren’t very happy about that. You had decided to alienate yourself from all of our friends because you were tired of hanging out with “gross poly inclusionists”. I was getting tired of you being such a cunt towards people who had done nothing but care for you, so once again I considered breaking up. I talked to people about but ultimately decided to wait out the spring to see if it was something we could work on.

Fun note if you actually read this: around this time I started having a crush on C 😘(again, the first time was before we got together) I would feel increasingly guilty about my thoughts and eventually I cut myself (the cuts on my chest that I said were from dysphoria) because, surprise! I felt like a slut. Funny how I was the one with all the guilt when you were the one who actually cheated and didn’t say shit till a month after we broke up🤔

I finally snapped on our camping vacation that summer. You complained about everyone and everything, especially the culture there was at the camp, you couldn’t stand the jokes about cheating or promiscuous women. But for some reason you kept on connecting all of it to “nasty polys” right in front of me and our poly friends and I just couldn’t take it anymore. It is one thing to be monogamous it’s whole other thing to be a spiteful little prick that thinks that nobody should be poly even if all parties are ok with it. Also the accusation that all poly people are cheaters is unacceptable. I was done and I know breaking up with you on vacation was a shitty, shitty move, but I was too angry to go home with you.

After we broke up you got straight up manipulative. I may have invited you over for emotional support but you always wanted to touch me, and you made me feel like maybe if we took it causal it could maybe work it out. I’m sorry if that I led you on, once again I hoped to change who you were. But the the second last time we had sex it was just wrong. I was dissociating and you led me to bed and I thought we were just going to sleep. I don’t remember much of the details but I know it was wrong, I don’t remember giving consent either, as far as I remember I was NON-VERBAL at this point in time.

I eventually try to cut off communication for a bit so we could both clear our heads but then the messages started

This is the only one I’m gonna put up, I have more but this perfect underlines the tone of the messages. The wording of all of this is so fucked.

I also fucked up after we broke up, I sent suicidal messages and wishes for you to kill me. I’m very sorry I put you through that. It’s horrible and I have no excuse. That was shitty behavior that I have since worked on.

We met up once more because I was missing some stuff and you say you needed affection, when I was to uncomfortable to provide that affection you flipped. Not to long after you decided you didn’t want to even try to friends anymore, and you officially broke my heart completely.

Now this is just speculation, but I believe you think that I slept with C right away, but it actually took me 3 months of crying to do anything with them. I was so touch repulsed at the time that touching anybody gave me horrible anxiety. WHY YOU MAY ASK???? COULD IT BE, SLUT SHAMING?!? Even after me and C got together I had many issues with touch and was somehow still maddeningly in love with you.

Then I found your vent blog and it... changed. Any time I thought about you my stomach would turn. You fucking carved my name into your skin! Drew vore art! You would write direct messages to me and you knew I’d read them.

Of course I would and you fucking knew that! Just because I was getting out of a toxic relationship (even though in the end you were the one to cut me completely out) doesn’t mean my connection and love for you would just fucking vanish!!! To be completely honest my concern for your wellbeing first stopped when you got a boyfriend. Then my concern shifted to him. I hope he gets out in time.

At this point I wish I could erase all my memories of you, go back in time and so I could have been with C earlier. While I should have realized sooner that there was unsolvable issues in our relationship, you should have let me leave after the 1st breakup attempt. We could both have avoided so much shit. But there is no doubt in my mind that you are an extremely abusive and a generally shitty person and now I’m glad to have you out of my fucking life.

I hope you read this but I mostly just needed to write this shit down for myself.

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katesloan · 6 years

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some favorite journal entries from 2017

January 9th. I have not had sex in over three weeks, I have not really flirted with anyone in 2017 so far, and there was one incident where I reinstalled Tinder and Bumble on my phone again but deleted them literally within the minute. I am abstaining from love and sex and it doesn't feel difficult; it feels needed, nourishing. I am finding ways to generate my own joy and excitement, and if that means having a frankly insane creative output, I am okay with that. (Is a dick detox like doing morning pages? Does it clear the cobwebs from the rafters of my brain? Does it make me sharper, clearer, smarter, happier?)

January 10th. In the afternoon I got together with T___ for coffee and we talked about a lot of stuff but mostly about my recent love-addiction feelz. She has been through alcoholism as well as sex addiction in the past, so she was a good and sympathetic person to talk to about this. She had a lot of wisdom to share about how addiction often occurs due to a combination of social isolation, past trauma(s), and uncomfortable feelings we will go to great lengths to avoid feeling/processing. Our conversation got me thinking about how I use romantic attention to buoy my mood when I feel depressed, unattractive, unaccomplished, etc. and that probably stems from the many years of my life for which that type of attention was nearly nonexistent, which felt like a deeply wounding personal failure at the time and still sometimes to this day. When I feel those feelings of unworthiness and stagnancy, sometimes my brain morphs them into feelings of loneliness and maybe then I might reach out to someone for reassurance and attention, often in the form of flirting or sexting, when I could instead just sit with those feelings, feel them, accept them, and let them pass in their own time. It is not inherently bad to feel negative feelings. You don't always have to DO anything with negative feelings. You can just feel them. That's okay.

(CN: suicidal ideations in this one.) January 26th. Bex kept me alive last night. I missed my return flight due to a public transportation fuckup that slowed me down, and proceeded to have a weepy anxiety attack at JFK as I tried to get them to rebook me and found out that they would not (at least, not for free or cheap). I spoke to Dad, Max, and Brent, but it was Bex who reminded me to breathe, Bex who booked me the next available flight when I was too frozen with panic to do anything but cry, Bex who sent me detailed instructions for getting back to their apartment on the subway, Bex who reminded me not to stand too close to the train tracks when I was having suicidal ideations, and Bex who showed up at the subway stop in their Batman onesie pajamas and leather collar, carrying a yellow box of Kleenex for me and calmly informing me that everything was going to be fine. My literal hero, in a cotton yellow cape.

February 19th. I am always surprised by that visceral, pheromonal, not-at-all-controllable type of attraction, even though I develop crushes on people all the time. It's disorienting to find yourself wanting to touch someone that badly, wanting to close the gap between the two of you, wanting to press your nose to their skin and inhale their scent forever. I know objectively that J___ is a weirdo and kind of a creep and not the greatest person but I am always intoxicated by his cuteness and I guess the way his molecules complement mine.

February 20th. Thinking a lot today about the separation between my sex drive and my kink drive. In part because I haven't masturbated in a few days, despite having near-constant sexual fantasies about J___ and therefore theoretically being more prone to horniness. But my actual libido has taken a bit of a dip instead (brief, I'm sure), while I've been craving the psychological nourishment I would get from doing kink stuff with, say, J___: the affirmation of doing a good job for someone, the strength of taking a spanking like a pro, the safety of being swaddled in a dom's arms. The notion of masturbating holds no appeal for me right now, but if someone were to sternly boss me into it, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Kink is weird.

April 8th. Last night was a weird mental health night. And I haven't slept yet so I guess it's still going on. I went out for drinks with Anais and we talked about boys, etc., and I got all drunkenly amped up to go give my barista crush my number, and I went, but he wasn't working, and I went home and couldn't help sadly thinking about how everyone I've dated/banged recently has very explicitly told me they were not looking for a serious romantic thing, and how frustrating that is to me because I am seeking something more romantic and committed... I read all these articles about Tinder psychology and the evils of hookup culture and it all just made me want to give up on dating forever because I'm too crazy to date and no one wants to date me anyway. And then M___ texted me at almost 2 in the morning to tell me he was browsing a porn subreddit I had recommended, and we talked a bit but it wasn't even sexting. I feel like I can't sustain any man's interest in me even if I play the dutiful role of the cool chill girl and it's very frustrating. I just want someone I can have regular good sex with and laugh with and cuddle with and have some sense of consistency with.

April 10th. I think a lot about how, what often made me feel gross about men when I was younger, and sometimes still today, is that I'd just be one of a million to them. I wanted to feel like we had a special connection that set me apart in their eyes from all of the other girls they'd flirted with or boned. But I have had different types of special connections with lots of different people and it hasn't made any of it less real. True, some people are "REALLY special" but it's not like there is a binary whereby I either wholly connect with someone or don't at all.

(CN: This is a sexy one.) May 1st. G___ and I had planned for him to come over next weekend... and then we moved it up to Tuesday... and then we were both horny and impatient so he ended up coming over last night after work. "Lots of Taurus energy," as he would say. "We're a couple of keeners," as I would say.

We had sex for HOURS... He spanked me with his hand and a paddle for a long time, and then fucked me, finding my A-spot with his dick while I used my Tango on my clit until I came all over his cock and he called me a good girl. There was more stuff: fucking with toys, and blowjobs, and cunnilingus. ("Am I grinding against your face too much?" "I fucking love it.") I don't want to forget: him sing-songing "I made you come twiiiice!" with utter glee. Him telling me a story, to illustrate the beginnings of his consciously dominant tendencies, wherein he got so turned on while fucking a partner that he (consensually) fucked her face until he came in her mouth, then pinned her down and fucked her til he came again (woof). Him pinching my nipple hard and whispering in my ear, "Just breathe. That's it. Good girl." Him reverently scratching welts onto my back with my metal clip-on claws. Him gently tugging my hair to guide my mouth to take more of his dick, while mumbling deepthroating encouragements.

May 3rd. I am soooo New Relationship Energy-hazy. Nothing fucking matters. My emails and deadlines and unreturned texts are utterly insignificant and I will get to them when I get to them. All I want to do is flirt and fuck and cuddle and touch and talk about Feeelingz and smile at each other like a couple of goons. It's ridiculous. Somebody save me from this silliness. Except actually don't; I'm happy.

(CN: food, weight.) May 6th. I am struggling to remember how long it took when I started seeing D___ for me to stop feeling totally fucking insane around him. Not eating, not sleeping, worrying constantly if I was being too clingy or too cold (mostly too clingy, let's be real). I lost weight because NRE made me nauseous and also made all of my body's core needs feel superfluous or simply forgettable. I neglected my work, my responsibilities, my other relationships. But at some point it must have calmed down. I remember feeling rock-solidly certain, in the latter half or so of our relationship, that he loved me and would continue to love me, that I didn't need to worry or prove myself or put on an elaborate show of goodness. I knew I could just be me and he would love that, whatever that was. I wonder how long it took me to get there, and if I can do it again.

May 10th. I already strongly suspect I am going to fall in love devastatingly hard with this person and it is going to push me to be better, braver, stronger. I feel up to that challenge now but there will be times when I do not. That is okay. Learning is not always linear. It will be hard work and I will work hard.

June 22nd. G___ asked me today why I fell in love with C___, given that he's vanilla. I don't know that I really have an answer for that. I don't think it was a consideration for me at the time. I wonder if it would be now; I wonder if my kinks are baked into me so deeply now that they'd affect my romantic perceptions of a person just as powerfully as my sexual ones. I fell for him because he is smart, funny, charming, dazzling, good in bed, and consistently made me feel focused on whenever I spent time with him. Plus that elusive magic factor that makes you fall for someone despite all logic. Whatever that is, he had it. Or maybe I just met him at a time in my life when I was vulnerable to such things.

August 3rd. In about a month, I get to see C___, and probably introduce him to G___, and that's making me think a lot about those two worlds colliding and the ways in which they intersect. I believe that falling in love with G___ made me fall out of love with C___; it wasn't the whole reason I did, but it was the final push. I remember crying in G___'s arms because it felt scary to be falling so hard so fast, and part of that pain and fear was the sensation that I was leaving an old chapter behind, the one in which I loved C___, the one in which I was mired in casual heartbreak all the time but it was at least a familiar heartbreak, one I knew how to navigate. Requited love is a whole different type of minefield because when the thing you have is good to begin with, losing it would be even more catastrophic. Commitment is also scary because it forces you to give up on the dream of waiting for something perfect and lifechanging; you're already in a good thing, and though it may be good, it probably isn't perfect, and you have to reconcile yourself to that, which is scary and a bit sad. No love will ever be the love of which you frothily fantasize, and that's actually fine, but it is an adjustment to learn that.

September 2nd. I am excited and happy about my date with B___ next week but not reaching extremes of either, like I often would in this situation previously. I think my capacity for crushy feelings is somewhat dulled at the moment, because of depression, and heartbreak, and defensiveness of my vulnerability. I feel like I gave so much of my excitement and dedication and passion to my relationship with G___ and then all of that just suddenly disintegrated into thin air, so what's the point of ever investing that much in anyone again? But I know this feeling will pass and someday I will want to open myself up again.

Part of my recovery process from this breakup has been coming to realize that G___ is not actually the authority on how to "do poly right" and that disagreeing with some elements of his approach to poly doesn't necessarily mean I'm ill-suited to non-monogamy as a whole.

September 22nd. I keep coming back to this idea that I need to stop externalizing my hope into romantic prospects and expecting them to save me from my own unhappiness and rootlessness and boredom and fear. NO ONE WILL SAVE ME BUT ME. Rejections and breakups and missed connections hurt so much more when I mistakenly believe my eternal perfect happiness was lurking just on the other side of those mishaps. I am so fucking strong and accomplished and capable when I let myself be; there is no reason to depend on MEN (most of whom can barely take care of themselves) to take care of me, emotionally or sexually or otherwise. I DON'T NEED THEM. Destroy that fiction. It isn't real and it never has been

December 10th. Something I have learned from Dick and some other kink mentors in my periphery is that your kinks don't have to line up perfectly with someone else's for you to have a good time with them or even a fulfilling relationship. Key incompatibilities can cause issues, yeah, but two people can be different and still play within their similarities – and the places where your circles don't overlap in the Venn diagram can perhaps be fulfilled by other partners, hence the argument for kinky people being poly. This was an important concept for me to ponder – hell, still is – given that a BIG part of my sadness about G___ has been about our nearly perfect kink compatibility and the fear that I will never find someone like that again. I probably will, actually, but also it's okay if I don't. There are workarounds and stopgaps and alternatives and they don't even necessarily feel like consolation prizes – just treats of a different flavor.

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allenmendezsr · 4 years

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