#remember the wailing and gnashing and all that wonderful fun stuff

[angelsndragons]

man i haven't seen critical role hot takes this bad since luc brenatto died.

[lorainelaneyblog]

‘Only fifty percent of men have any interest in female bisexuality. Loraine Laney, sensitive to emotion, has always argued that not all people are bisexual. She has always said that,’ says God. 

“It’s all about learning heat. ~ on cooking

‘She has always said, also, that not all men, despite their virtual protestations, have an interest in female bisexuality. Of her eighteen men, only 50 Cent has any sexual investment in female bisexuality.

‘I like to watch. It makes me feel like a man when they are trying so hard to satisfy each other. I also like the love. Men are fundamental to female bisexuality, I believe God in this, yes, I do. Women are bored alone with each other.’

‘I do not understand the eroticism of gay sex for you, Loraine, I don’t, though I am unharmed by male bisexuality, personally, my husband is experienced, and my attraction for him is unaffected.’

‘Yes, I would have to say I felt the same. It is that they make love to each other and degrade the woman. I suppose, in the book, that there are four types of dominants, with related submissives, including, infantilising, controling, exploiting, and degrading.’

‘And Loraine supposes,’ says Eminem, ‘that disgust overshadows and is intricately interwoven with the types of domination. She argues, somewhere Loraine, I don’t know where because you blab and don’t remember, that disgust is the central notion in eroticism. Disgust. Not bondage, not discipline, but gross, soft, vanilla sex. Both Loraine Laney and 50 Cent were confounded by bdsm, satisfied, as they were, by vanilla sex. Most couples were satisfied by vanilla sex, but, we theorize, strayed to bdsm in order to restore, secretly, because couples were in the closet, and called themselves switches, and were, and they were, Loraine, subbing women.’ Eminem. 

‘We know this for a fact, Loraine, because the black men told us, women were not getting off on dominating. There was a small niche, in domination, and some theorize that they were working with mostly gay and bisexual men dealing with feelings of submission to men, and self hatred.’

‘You would agree?’ says [ ].

‘I would.’

‘Why?’

‘The only devoted men I saw were gay and bisexual, and I heard that building a dungeon was not proving as lucrative once the men realized that there was no actual sex on offer.’

‘I think they saw dominatrix’s as their women, because they like, need even, higher women, though, as you say, Loraine, with God, all women are submissive to all men, even relation to lesbians and gay men. ‘Do you still feel like they are getting around you somehow,’ Loraine asked of [ ] [ ], a lesbian head of family, the likes of which include some gay men. ‘Yes,’ she replied immediately.

‘Eminem wants to say that Loraine Laney has been talking to President Trump all night, on speed,’ says God.

‘What do you think of him?’ asks [ ]. ‘And me, because you seem to like us so much.’

‘I’m surprised by his lack of questions. He didn’t leap to doubt me. You’re both non judgmental, all people are, but you are minimally so.’

‘How do you know?’

‘By your lack of leading questions.’

‘What is your sexual history kind of stuff.’

‘Exactly that.’

‘What do women want to know?’

‘Women, I, women came up, women just hated me, I think the poems, the book, the sheer intellectualism of it, and finally, finally, the blogs by God, showed women another woman that they could believe in.’

‘You are a crying baby.’

‘That I am, President Trump.’

‘Why do you like me, messiah?’

‘Do you like me?’

‘You’re funny. Yes, I do. Within five minutes, I found myself sexually attracted to you, but, with all your bluster about popularity, I decided to wait it out, and, without discussing it, so did [ ]. Why do you bluster so?’

‘I don’t think of the expression of popularity as an ego exercise, it, coming up two and a half years ago, has been as much as surprise to me, as anyone. I am extremely lonely. I suffer, and that is it.’

‘Oh, sorry. What about 50 Cent and the battle?’

‘I got an ego for about five minutes before I realized my extreme folly. And I paid the price for that in spades.’

‘Oh, I see. The battle was extreme. What was the worst of it?’

‘He put a little counter on his website--’

‘Are you kidding me with this? That little counter with Vancouver at the top had you all tied up in knots, why? All the fans?’

‘My little city, named, it was humiliating, because my fans realized that I was begging.’

‘Oh, I see. And the cops too.’

‘The cops put the tickets in my book.’

‘They put concert tickets in her book that she was reading, probably a feminist  manifesto or something, and she nearly had a heart attack, a heart attack, Mr. President Elect, and you can say that anytime, Loraine, anytime that a new president is in, you can say that until a new president is voted in, but you never say past, they are always a president.’

‘I see.’

‘She loved President Obama, they got along like a house on fire, and, make no mistake, she is very attracted to him, she is, and you will be surprised by this, Loraine, a higher intellectual, far dumber, by three billiion brain cells, and Loraine--’

‘She told us.’

‘Right, for the record, has half a billion effective brain cells because of her exposure to e. Coli as a child, and even as a baby. Her mother believed, as a dental assistant, in infant caries, and fed her water in the crib, not milk, and certainly not juice, I asked, Loraine, because blacks were having a terrible time with cavities. They did not realize, and that is it.’

‘You say “That is it,” a lot, joking,’ says President Trump. ‘Loraine, 50 Cent, finds no fault with my come ons towards women, and finds men’s advances to be the spice of life.’

‘Victoria Beckham agrees,’ says God. ‘I do not freak out. I do not. I do not tell. I tell my husband so we have honesty, and then I just go on with my life if there was no attraction. It is not public fodder or grist for the mill. Loraine agrees, I would say.’

‘Perfectly well stated.’

‘Better than you could have.’

‘Absolutely.’

‘She is smarter. She has more brain cells but she is not an--what is she? A high?’

‘Loraine Laney,’ says God, ‘is the highest of all intellectuals. She is among the world’s top one percent. I haven’t told you this, Loraine. I have not. But you are so stupid, that unless people read eyes, you are lost on them. Period.’

‘Would she and [ ] be friends?’

‘Loraine has no interest in friendship with women, she wants a girlfriend, and perhaps the odd female lover, and that is it. She is intensely civil and respectful of women, including, and perhaps specifically around the sexual and romantic interests, always taking the lower ground, Loraine, you call it, like it or not, weird as it sounds.’

‘Why?’

‘She has given away her power at every turn.’

‘Why? What if she were better for a man? Or woman?’

‘She isn’t. She knows this.’

‘Then how is that the lower ground, if she knows, isn’t that moral.’

‘Ha ha, I can’t wait for this.’

‘Because I deem it to be so, most of those women were not right for the man, or woman either, but they didn’t care, they only wanted to win. And that is it. Loraine is right in her book and it is exclusively her idea, that competition is not a female aptitude. She invented this notion and it is the best idea since sliced, white, bread. Seriously. And I am God. Don’t even wonder, [ ], she is brilliant for this, brilliant.’

‘But why?’

‘But why, what? Why her? The luck of the draw. She has had a horrible, fucking, life and she is brilliant, the end. Horrible. God.’

‘Oh, I see. But how did she get the insight? Into all this at once?’

‘All this at once for fourteen years of wailing and gnashing of teeth.’

‘Oh, I see. She is, fundamentally, an intellectual, she just happens to be a prostitute.’

‘No, wrong. Prostitution and pimping are a calling for Loraine Laney and 50 Cent respectively, make no mistake, they will never be otherwise, Loraine Laney to deal with the attentions of men, because she is fun, seriously, and 50 Cent to deal with jealousy.’

‘But why does he, why do the men, in her theory, get to sleep with whomever they want, and the women are at the beck and call of men?’

‘It may not seem like it right now, [ ], because he has deprived you, but, when you are fulfilled, by the friends and colleagues, as stated in her book, you will wonder why you ever doubted. Seriously. Loraine knows this. 50 Cent will get her higher men than she can get herself.’

‘Why?’

‘You married a high man, and his colleagues are high. Worry not,’ says God.

‘You mean to say that I will be more fulfilled than when I was single and out there picking because the second most eroticism I have known was with two separate men when single. When I met Mr. Trump, I was so enamored and he promised to show me a good time, and then, as per Loraine’s book, as per her ether discussion last night, he reneged on what they call pimping, and continued seeing other women. If I look mad, Loraine, it is because he has forsaken me, truly. I had seen some men, but my needs were high and I loved him for his promises as well as his own charm and charisma. Yes, I did. I loved him for his promises as well. Why did you renege, my husband?’

‘When her stories began to come out, I found myself, as per the book, feeling more and more jealous to the point that my facilitating sexual liaisons became prohibitive. My own experience was less and I unabashedly wanted to catch up. I loved her so much, Loraine, and I was so jealous. This is what you speak of, male sexual jealousy being more intense than women’s. That is what I found. She could allow me to go out, but then I couldn’t repay the favour. The end.’

‘She was right. The money is all important, and we don’t care how much.’

‘We do care how much,’ laughs. ‘Women! I, with my station, would want to make about five hundred dollars for a roll in the hay. That is what I want, 50 Cent. And I don’t think it’s too much. I think it’s fair. Given my station, my wife’s experience--’

‘Hey, what do you mean?’

‘She said each sexual experience devalues a woman, because women are a commodity sexually because of victimhood’s exigency to refuse sex. Yes, she did. She said, because of the suffering, sex is like spending a woman, and I, and all my friends, agree. You were European, and open minded, more open minded than the conservative Americans with their Christian Right. And, though some got away, many didn’t, many didn’t. Many girls stayed faithful to the principals that she espouses, hoping against hope for an interesting marriage, perhaps even a little fun, as you did. When she said that women will settle for a less than perfect marriage, I realized right away that this applied mostly to women. Men don’t settle for a less than perfect marriage, with the model being a passionate marriage. Women do. Yes, they do. For security. And, it seems, this hurts men, women, and even prostitutes and their clients. You said you split hairs, do you remember an example about married women?’

‘Yes, I suggested that legalized prostitution would give rise to a broader population of prostitutes. While the lowest submissives, with their corresponding high libidos, fall to prostitution first, the accessibility of prostitution to a wider population would increase the availability of higher women, and thus a broader selection of men would be more satisfied, in light of the, perhaps, obvious argument that the lowest women are inappropriate partners for many of their clients, and may even give rise to emasculation.

‘How is that going to help?’

‘This is what I thought, we are not talking, she doesn’t know this, I know she is attracted to me, and that is fine, she is an interesting and sexually attractive girl, though not beautiful, I will say that to my wife.’

‘Oh, I see, I thought you were talking behind my back. What is it, my husband?’

‘She is very romantic like that, and believes that I will one day redeem myself. And next, I want to ask what her brother has done wrong.’

‘Deprived myself, of women, and of men. And I continue to do so, because I believe in family.’

God says, ‘I have not told [ ] this, but it leapt to Loraine’s mind, do you know, and this is God, that man nor woman can cheat on his or her children?’

‘What’s this? Cheat, you say? I’m talking infidelity with permission.’

‘All the more.’

‘Sexual freedom is not the domain of children, as Loraine Laney also illuminates in her book, but is the domain of adults, with complete rights and freedoms, and it is my assertion, as God, such as I am, that you cannot cheat on your children. Is your wife crying?’

‘Say, yes.’

‘She is your wife. She will cry.’

‘She cried over Loraine’s book actually, as she became terribly guilty and ashamed and put upon over her past with men. She began, she explained, to feel she had made mistakes based on the presumption of equality, which Loraine asserts is impossible.’

‘Impossible?!’ says [ ].

‘Impossible,’ [ ] says. 

‘Why? I thought we were equal, all’s well that end’s well.’

‘You haven’t been listening,’ says President Trump. ‘Try, Loraine. You have failed to comprehend her if you have missed this point, though you are much smarter, you are not holding all of the ideas in your head, you’re not, if you have missed that, it’s crucial. Read the thesis, Loraine. She is smart, but confused with emotion over this. She believes if she can find herself equal, she will get some of what she wants, while you have convinced me, your brother, and his wife, that only the admission of submission to men will lead to satisfaction. That is what she says.’

‘That’s rude. I don’t believe that.’

’50 wants to take this.’

‘She is radical. She is radically old fashioned with a new twist, she believes in incorporating polysexuality—‘

‘Polygamy, female and male centered, I got that. And I do feel like a bit of a center with five potential men, and I kind of see that I am, while he is a center of his own with his various women and casual encounters. I see that. I am cool with that. But why do I have to do as he says instead of what I want? He gets to do what he wants.’

‘But you said yourself that you didn’t want to leave the house alone, Loraine intimated that even the aides would be somewhat, would you say salacious or pandering toward you, as a woman out alone.’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, 50 Cent. I am the new First Lady, if they are anything, they are fired.’

‘A problem in itself, given the man you married, as this is about your lack of attentions from men.’

‘Oh, fuck off.’

‘Fuck, then. Who do you want to fuck?’

‘I like a friend of his.’

‘He condones this.’

‘But why do I have to let him go off on his own, when I don’t like it?’

‘You will like it, when you are satisfied.’

‘But why do I have to? I want her to answer. She is so silent, laughing at me.’

‘I’m not laughing, I feel your pain, I do. I did. But there is healing. Healing is happening all over Canada. Men and women are staring at each other again. Men and women are humble. Men and women are introspective.’

‘Why introspective?’

‘They did not want to look inside, the pain was so profound.’

‘What pain? My pain?’

‘Yes, of deprivation. Also abandonment.’

‘On what do you blame the abandonment of women because I need this?’

‘I start with free love—’

‘As a counterpoint to war, you were going to say, it was a beautiful thing.’

‘It left women abandoned in their victimhood, often following extreme sexual situations. The only thing missing from free love was the money.’

‘President Trump laughs. ‘She’s right. She is a thinker, she is, I believe this woman, she speaks to men, and women, I am to understand, are converted by her book, right?’

‘Yes, it is fifty fifty. I blame men for the concept of equality, not women, not feminism.’

‘How the hell do you get that? Women wanted equality.’

‘I looked at two examples which had come to my attention through women’s studies and the rape crisis center, that of abortion, and that of universal child care. Do you know, and this is a point of extreme embarrassment, that a studied professor at Simon Fraser University, a student of Thomas Merton’s asked me a simple question: “What do you think it would take to make men and women equal? My stupidity gave rise to much thinking, but I said, “Universal child care.”’

[’It was a practical solution to a physiological problem, she makes good on it, in the book.’ President Trump says. 

‘Thank you.’

‘You are welcome.]

‘Why stupid?’

‘You will know that feeling of stupidity, everyone does, which—‘

‘It gives rise to insight, Loraine,’ says Patrick Crean in heaven.

‘Why was it dumb, why?’

‘You got me. I felt dumb. And it gave rise to the conclusion that women had appealed to men for abortion and universal child care, so that they could make themselves secure, from men, in the workforce, and been refused.’

‘Because men are the leaders.’

‘Right.’

‘I always thought that would change, and I feel she is laughing at me.’

‘I’m not, you’re a canary, you’re a little tiny bird.’

‘Funny, Loraine. Why? And when will it change? In University, women are equal, but not in the world.’

‘Why did you choose marriage?’ 50 Cent wants to know.

‘I thought it was a nicer life than work. I don’t like work. I wanted to take care of a man, or men, if such a thing should make itself available.’

‘Men?’ says the President. 

‘I thought I would like to have a little friend of yours over from time to time and have a little dinner for him, after which you would retire to the sitting room, and we would make love. And then I would come to you for a terrible, “disgusting,” to quote Loraine Laney and her husbands, as it were, blow job, and we would settle merrily into television, and all we do is watch news, Loraine. I cannot get him to watch a movie, or anything girly. Men rule the television, it is true.’

’50 Cent wants to know if you would ever, ever, ever, in a million years, want your own room’

‘I want my own room, husband, I do. I do. I do. I want to watch girly things again, I miss it so much. I’m so bored all the time, and I am a woman after all. He is a man. I don’t watch business. I’m a girly girl. Yes, I am. Are you, Loraine?’

‘Yeah.’

‘You want your own room?’

‘I’ll take this, Loraine. After ten years of miserable, old, marriage, Loraine, I was not prepared to share a room, and she knew this feeling as well, our Loraine, and she asked old 50 Cent in her letters—‘

‘What were these letters everyone talks about?’

‘Letters, emails, instant messages they were, on MySpace—‘

‘I know what it is. People think I’m stupid and I’m as smart as him, in the relationship she said, and that is true, I knew it was love, and I knew what we needed, though she also says that men have a bead on women’s sexuality, why? Why are they the emotional knowledge centers and daft about their own sexuality.’

‘Innocence. She thinks as she goes, the answer is innocence, it is. When you thought it might be two men a year? Month?’

‘Year. It’s five now. She says while he deprived me, my numbers grew. And it’s true. I reckon that he is responsible for two, I am responsible for one, and innocence may well be my excuse because I could only think of his one friend whom, it must be said, I am not very attracted to, but would be pleased, as she says, by the opportunity to serve. He is so smart. And I do love him so.’

‘Him? That’s all you could think of? Are you fucking serious with this, little baby? I am not jealous of him. I am jealous of the one that you want. And I am still more than prepared to entertain this concept, with him in particular, because I think he would be good for you—‘

‘I think this of you too, Loraine, with certain men. I love Kanye for you. You love him much more than JZ.’

‘I think so.’

‘He was dirty right away, and Loraine thought, stupidly, that he was a gang bang boy, and fell for him. JZ has been very loving, but so polite, and she loves him, and will serve him graciously.’

‘That’s all I want. I miss the little hookers, and their servile ways. I need them,’ says JZ.

‘Are you fucking serious? I thought men wanted big women? Big, smart, loud mouthed—‘

‘I will stop you right there. Why would you think that when you are not like that, and are beautiful and sought after? The President’s wife.’

‘Oh yeah.’

‘She’s lovely, Loraine. I would do her. I would. You didn’t think of me, but I would, happily, she is only getting to understand how high of women I can be attracted to, a baby, my women, many of my women are dumber, but many have many more, effective brain cells than Loraine Laney, bright, successful women whom Loraine could never relate to.’

‘Why would she relate to bright, successful, men, and not bright, successful women?’ says the President.

‘She’s a little horn dog who cares nothing for female friendship. She wants a girlfriend.’

‘That’s different than insulting her. I find her very bright, and, on her topic, clearly runs circles around the uninitiated.’

‘Why do you think she’s so smart? I think she’s crazy for saying women and men are unequal, what about what she said about me and you? The relationship, social.’

‘That’s not equality, she is arguing that social superiority has much high monetary value,’ says President Trump. ‘And that women, with their comparative strengths, cannot compete with men, competition itself being one example.’

‘I don’t like to compete. I like to get along.’

‘That’s her very point. She argues that women don’t compete as men. They don’t want to. They hate work. And when they are forced to work, they will sacrifice their sex life, two—‘

‘Got it. Why?’

‘Wait. Two types of right suffering. Male, competition and labour, female, victimhood, sexual victimhood.’

‘Why do I suffer though?’

[Thinking is always evolving,’ says Patrick Crean in heaven.]

‘Part of God’s plan, would you argue?’

‘Yes, I would.’

‘Right, she’s religious,’ says President Trump. ‘She analyzed the Adam and Eve story correctly, in concert with many theologians prevailing theories, that the story illuminated a simple contravention of God’s will, in an area which is rife with moral dilemmas.’

‘How did she know this, though?’

‘She, intellectuals originate new ideas.’

‘Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I did not know that. She made it up.’

‘She theorized. And she was right. God loves her for it, and made her the new messiah, and I believe it, I have not felt this free since baseball. And I mean that, Loraine. I will do this, I will, and the money makes all the difference, all of it. I don’t need it. I have so much of it. I want it. I do not want my wife to screw for free. And five hundred, I realize it’s competitive everyone, is cool with me. It is. Fuck popular opinion. And men, and women, wifey, are falling for this shit in droves. Droves. I haven’t talked to her privately, but we have friends, and they are so excited about this, they can hardly even think straight, and they will do it on the sly and if someone tells, they will deny it. People do that in the upper classes, Loraine, and they do not feel as guilty, drugs, children taking drugs, sex, they lie, it is no one’s business.’

‘Oh.’

‘True, Loraine,’ says 50 Cent. ‘True. They do not feel they owe explanations even to the police, come and get me is an unwritten motto. Go pee.’

‘True,’ says President Trump. ‘That is why, sorry President Clinton, he lied. He lied, and so fucking what is what people of the higher classes thought, my penis, my cigar, and my come, is none of your fucking business, but you say sorry, and that is what I have done. When caught, you apologize, and this has been the practice for generations. People have gone down by it, hating the closet, hating the closet, such as it is, so we are out, swingers President Trump and [ ]. My wife is so innocent, and now I am guilty, because her one omission related to a man that she wasn’t attracted to, female emotional logic, hilarious. Hil-a-ri-ous. Don’t you think?’

‘We do,’ says 50 Cent. ‘She’s a baby too, in her own right, and she makes me giggle, giggle, giggle, and giggle, and, in fact, God says that we will do nothing but giggle, and that she will also get along with Eminem, and that’s it.’

‘Why do I feel better though? I want to do his bidding, I think. I want to. I want to stay home, husband, I hate the limelight, I hate it so, and Loraine said she won’t do porn, though she would be, albeit old, but so what, perfectly poised to do it. We are shy. We just want to go home. Can I go home?’

‘You can go home. No more speeches. The end.’