#running circles around my cerebral cortex

[tekatonic]

sorry for not being there these past few days, i have many things occupying my brain and no energy left for tumblring u-u

[haruchiyos]

Top 5 fics you'd reccommend on tohmura

I don’t actually read a lot of fics for him, mostly bc I keep him locked inside my cerebral cortex. He runs around in circles most of the day in there

[thegetoufather]

AYO pondering hours with aman??? 🤨🤔🤔

spare er*n thoughts??????

god i have so many im pretty sure he destroyed my cerebral cortex. this got away from me im so sorry.

warnings: smut, 18+/minors DNI, sex under the influence (alcohol, its two consenting adults tho), college au, unprotected, mirror sex, some ass play, prissy jean lol, horny fluff, im in love with him and i hate it!

I think about partying with new boyfriend eren a lot.

When the alcohol floods your system you can’t help but think he is even more handsome, the party lights illuminating his sharp cheekbones even further, his laughter filling the room and adding to the vibe. It makes you dopey, sinking even further into the honeymoon stage as you watch his hands slam the red solo cups down in flip cup and think about how lucky you are that he is yours.

He always has that same goofy smile when he catches you staring at these things, walking up to you and kissing you even if you’re conversing with your friends in an odd form of punishment for drooling over him so publicly. He always breaks it with a teasing smile, introducing himself so effortlessly afterwards as your boyfriend in front of the girls who sit next to you in English. Its insane, how he’s carrying as solid conversation with them about how much of a hardass Professor Shadis could be so nonchalantly, like his tongue wasn’t in your mouth a minute ago and while he now squeezes your ass to let you know he’s been having the same drunk thoughts all along.

You break away from the conversation soon after, Eren scooping you up into a carry as you push past the crowd into a bedroom, getting crudely tossed into the bed so Eren can lock the door. Your furrowed brow soon disappears as he strips off his shirt in a fluid motion, abs rippling under tan skin as he settles in between your legs to hike up your dress to settle around your waist. He presses a kiss to the wet spot in your thong before pulling it down, reveling in your soft little moans as he peppers kisses down your thighs for no reason other than to tease you, you’re practically drooling in the sheets already. He rolls you on your stomach, large hands gripping your the globes of your ass apart as he runs a thumb over that puckered hole and you whine, begging for him to do something already.

He presses into you with a kiss between your shoulder blades, a languid motion that has you moaning into the sheets beneath you. You’re glad he can’t see the way your eyes rolled into the back of your skull when you heard him let out a strained fuck when he was flush with your ass, it would have been embarrassing, but its like he could read your mind — reaching over to grab your neck to pull you up to his chest and bring you face to face with your flushed reflection in the mirror.

The large hand never leaves the pretty column of your throat, putting a light pressure on your carotids so that he could hear every little sound you make with every thrust. The other squeezes your thigh to stabilize you, grip tightening with every flithy thing Eren whispers in your ear.

“Can’t enough of this pretty pussy, yeah? Look at what a good job you’re doing taking me, can’t believe this is the first time my girl gets to see what its like. Fucck.”

And with every squeaked yes and broken cry of his name you nod in agreement, entranced by the sight of your bodies in the mirror. The faintest part of your brain is wondering when he even had it put into his room, but the thought gets pushed away every time his cockhead kisses your cervix. Your hand leaves his wrist to sneak to the apex of your thighs, rubbing circles on your clit so that you’re brought closer to your orgasm.

What sends you over is another one of Eren’s comments, a gruff “yeah, keep touching yourself like that, princess” that causes sparks to flow throughout your body as you clamp around his girth, Eren spilling into you shortly after. You collapse back down to the sheets as you catch your breath, cum dripping out on the navy fabric below you as you still your beating heart.

You still feel like you’re floating when Eren turns you around, and you prop yourself on your elbows as you watch him clean you up. He tosses the tissues aside and clambers back on top of you, whispering a cheeky “hey there,” before pressing his lips against yours.

It’s soft and lazy, the kind of kisses that feel like they are taking forever and no time at all because all you can feel in the moment is him, and each time you break apart you can’t help but rest your forehead against his and giggle, reveling in the afterglow of your orgasms.

The thumping bass line of the party music brings you back to earth, and you announce that you should probably return back to the scene before people start wondering where you’ve gone. You hop off the bed, searching for your panties only to find Eren’s tucked them into his jean pocket with a wink, taking his souvenir and heading out the door.

The rest of the night is a blur of dancing and a couple more shots, the night ending with you falling back into bed for round 2 before promptly passing out in each others arms.

He’s awake before you are, green eyes watching you intently as you blink your eyes open.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” he murmurs against your forehead.

You whisper back a good morning as you snuggle into his warmth, feeling his hands slip past the edge of his old shirt so he can stroke your back, a soothing motion threatening to lull you back to sleep.

But the sweet moment gets cut short with a blood curdling scream, you and Eren leaping out from under the covers and into the hallway where you find Jean clutching cum stained navy sheets in his hand with a death grip.

“WHO FUCKED IN MY BED?” he yells, sending Connie doubling over in laughter as Marco tries to calm his boyfriend down. “THESE ARE THOUSAND COUNT SHEETS, YOU KNOW!”

You slap a hand over your mouth, realizing that you were right to question the mirror, but before you could sneak back into the comfort of Eren’s room to escape Jean’s wrath, you’ve realized he’s laughing manically too, catching Jean’s attention immediately.

At the very least, you’ll both go down for your crimes against Jean’s Anthropology sheets together.

[riseofthecommonwoodpile]

Warehouse of Prayers by Laura Kasischke

1. 

It’s dark in here. Please, let me out.

2.

No, I hear him say. I want to show you. And to see it, you have to stay.

3.

And, O, I saw it then. So many prayers. Who could answer them all? And yet

what god would have the heart to toss them out?

4.

Yes, he says, I know. It terrifies. The silence, and the din. The tremendous weight of them. It defies

anything you might think or say

about sound about size.

But, yes, of course. Of course I’ve kept them all.

5.

“We had gone for a walk in the dark.

Of all things, I was deeply in love with my husband! Then

something silent I couldn’t see crept out of the darkness, and bit his hand.”

6. 

The beauty of it. The great

beauty. The true beauty of it. The beauty beyond—

It’s 

bitten me. I’m bleeding.

7.

In the dark one night you felt around for your blue scarf. Its blue diffusion. Its shameless would-be sky. But it was gone.

Gone, with your watch, and your wallet, and those cheap beads. How

strange to understand, so suddenly

that none of it was yours. Not

a snippet, not a glimpse, not a bit, not

even the dust that had gathered

Amishly on it for years.

8.

And the green lawn rolls, and the green lawn rolls to the foot of it all, to the foot of it all

telling the story of a world created by a god, who wanted to be loved but did not like to talk.

9.

“We predicted this. Something

strapped to the chest of a child. Light pouring up from holes in the ground. A fountain

run dry, and a mild-mannered man on a rampage in July.

Still, we were confused. We

thought we’d looked for this trouble everywhere, and

never found a thing. We

believed there’d be more warning, despite the many warnings. We

deeply believed a mistake had been made.”

10. 

Then, in the morning, a mannequin sitting in the rain on the neighbor’s porch. The rain on the mannequin, like so many kisses bestowed upon a corpse.

11.

No. (He takes my hand. He opens a door.)

12.

Wow, I say. So this is all—

and this is the vault in which they’ve hoarded it.

All:

What is, what was, what will be—

added to in increments. (A skyful, a pocketful, a teaspoonful, a pinch.)

13.

And still, mostly vault.

14.

The blood and the bed. The basement full of blankets. The 

freezer full of meat. We

all will rise again, and all be dignified.

The vein straight through the center

of the leaf. The woody stem of a rose. The dark suburban fruit of mulberries on the lawn.

We will rise over it all, and all of it will still be here when we are gone.

15.

Hello. It’s me, Eurydice. I want to tell you about his eyes: Stupid

hopeful windows. You

idiot, I said. All this resurrection business just to have your dumb love-glance sideswipe me dead.

16.

Her boy, in the war, the gate, left open, the field full of flowers, the day, so cloudless, she couldn’t help but see the mysterious sense and emptiness of it: As a child, he was so quiet, you could have drawn a circle

around it with a piece of chalk.

You could have taken a bus to the edge of that silence, and stepped off

onto a sidewalk, made of time, and walked

for years and years, all through his childhood and still kept walking.

17.

This is the illegible scroll

on which Orpheus’ reply was written.

This

is the book, thrown from the window.

A cough.

A broken telephone.

A few notes of a song.

18.

And a woman sobbing in a hospital gown, Not fair. Just this one body, and not even the body I wanted, and still it clings to me weeping when I have to leave. Not fair.

19.

“Eurydice? Eurydice? Are you there?”

20.

RSVP: She

will not be arriving by ship of by plane. No car door slamming. No

driver to be paid. She will not be walking. Neither shall she run. Thank you for asking, but she can’t come.

21.

Please, please, please, sweetheart,

pick up the fucking phone if you’re there

22.

“The Czar was killed on the spot, as

were the Empress and the Grand Duchess Olga, neither of whom could finish making the sign of the cross.

But the daughters

wore corsets

lined with jewels. For long moments the bullets, fired at their chests,

ricocheted around the room.”

23.

Please?

24.

One day I saw the divorcée take a letter from her ex-husband.           Briefly, his fingertips touched hers, and then she slipped the letter into her purse:

But, O, that purse, full of old pleasure, and that letter. Memory, like a dark hole full of feathers.

25.

“Lust, that goat in violets. Those violets like so much tenderness

scattered in the grass. Love,

that rusty chain dragging you home through your past.”

26.

A woman turns at church in her pew and tell me before the organ starts up, “I know a story about your house.”

27.

Oh? Yes?

28.

“In the forties, a farmer named Elmer Barow, in your kitchen, shot himself.”

29.

Oh, I thought, I know. I know. Time,

passing, all along— the hum of the cobwebs in the corners crocheting their intricate shrouds. The

dripping of the faucet. The blackened toast. Of

course, when we sat down at the table with our heads bowed, that

was him listening in on our prayers— Elmer

Barow with a rifle in his mouth.

30.

Always that

flash of desire, always

in the way (that

gray cat sleeping in the driveway, those

teenage girls bathing in a pond of bees)— that’s

what’s left of the freedom God had to make us, or remain free.

31.

Eurydice?

32.

In winter a woman I work with gets the idea that her hands are poisoned. She can’t touch anything anymore. She wears

gloves to bed, in case, in her sleep—

33.

No, E., of course, your hands aren’t poisoned. You cannot kill your children if you stroke their hair. You

know this, you know it.

34.

But, suddenly, gradually, myself—

everything I touch, there’s—

35.

There’s something wrong. (Not that. But something.) I

spend hours trying not to think about the something, but it’s

always there

in the shadowy tissue, in the silvery microscopic gloom, the lazy fluid slip of it, which,

released by love, billows loosely around the cerebral cortex—

a poisoned flume.

36.

Then—?

37.

“And then the day is over, and the—”

38.

And the day is over.

And in the dark I hear God say,

Laura, go ahead and pray.

39.

Okay.

40.

Okay. I— Okay. I—

Dear God, I—

offer up this prayer of dryer lint and hair.

41.

Orpheus here in a cellar made of glass. In it, with me, a blizzard of small black words. I

am sending this message to you from the world, but “This is a message from the world” is all it says.

42.

“Oh, to the teeth, sweetness is the medium, but the message is decay. Like

the soul, a hunch, wrapped in disintegration. Sweater

wool, skin cells, carpet fibers, ash, a gray

breeze: Virus,

and pollen, and ourselves

blown to breathing pieces.”

43.

And then at the petting zoo I knew

animal terror for the first time. Animal

despair: The trembling of the lamb under my trembling hand.

44.

Suddenly, God answers me!

I am made of the same thing you are, after all, and you

are made of me:

Some darkness, a supplication, a moral silence breezing

over the glassy stubble in a vacant field.

45.

“And let us not forget the petty prayers. The insatiable hunger of seagulls. The sunset

in the blood, and those

birds turning

in on themselves. Crying, reeling, happiest hungry. Let us be

you amphetamines! they scream. The market

full of fruit out of season. The locked

door of the embassy. The high

gate surrounding spring:

Please, God, I want all of it for me.”

46.

To: Orpheus Fr: Eurydice Re: Death

The babble. The cold, teeming, intangible hotel.

47.

God, do your hear that? That

bit of stitching in the wind? It unravels when you listen. Listen.

48.

The Debt Birds screeching, Insufficient! Someone shoveling snow onto a fire. A figure in a black suit swinging a lantern through the dark

in arcs, coming closer, and closer.

And my mother standing by the lilac

(the lilac, which is the suburb’s lyric poem

about death) talking

to a man she never met. I

overhear him say, Whatever

crazy sorrow saith.

49. 

“No one was crying, no one was bleeding, but the mail had been dumped in the street, and

someone’s husband a few blocks over was shouting loudly about accountability.

Shadows stuffed into envelopes— as when the forest creeps to the edge of the freeway, perfectly tamed, finally revealed,

and the wild illegal animals people keep as pets,

escape, are seen.”

50.

Jesus Christ, this stuff is everywhere!

51.

Excuse me.

I couldn’t help but overhear your prayer...

52.

“What the bloody hell is this? Someone must have written down every word ever said, then

shredded every word ever written.”

53. 

O, honey, O, lovely, O, please. It’s me,

Orpheaus, again, Eurydice.

54.

“Okay, now what we need here is a warehouse, or an abyss. Which one of you guys can get on this—

ASAP?”

55.

Like

trying to hold fire. Like

trying to hold perfume. Like

wearing fog to work. Like

stoppering a bottleful of light—

trying to talk to God.

56.

“Hello. Yeah. It’s me. Is he in? We’ve got a major mess on our           hands.”

57.

“Shit. Shit. Is he ever in?”

58.

Like stoppering a bottleful of light. Like wearing fog to work. Like trying to hold perfume. Like

trying to hold fire—

to make the simplest goddamned contact with—

59.

O, wait, look after all— that

warehouse, that

abyss, and

a beautiful naked stranger diligently trying

to ladle the oceans into it.

[vegetacide]

Whump●tober -  Unconscious

Veg-notables:   For whumptober. I’m doing this out of order and I don’t know how much I am going to be able to produce for this but I am going to give it a go..  Thanks to @gumnut-logic for all her help.  She beta read this for me and enlightened me about my subject matter.   You rock!  

Obligatory whumptober stuff: @whumptober2019 @la-vie-en-whump

Blanket warning:   Just a heads up for migraine sufferers this post deals with them. 

Characters:  K/V, Scott

Whumptober - TaG universe 

10. Unconscious

Enjoy...

oOo

The silence in the cockpit of Two was a drastic contrast to the days events. It was almost numbing in its entirety and the muteness in comparison to the past forty-eight hours sent a shiver of discomfort down Virgil’s spine.  

As the adrenaline ebbed and drained away a twitchy feeling settled over his tired frame. He scrubbed angrily at his face and roughly sank his hands into his jet black hair, leaving it in complete disarray.  

Slumping back in his seat, tired brown eyes glanced over the displays and absently took note of the post flight checks. Just a few more minutes and the data would be uploaded to the island servers leaving him free to debrief, shower and hopefully fall into the much needed oblivion of sleep that his body seriously craved.

Watching the information continue to scroll across the screen as the program verified each of Two’s systems, Virgil felt an even deeper lethargy settle over him and he allowed his head to fall back on the padded rest.  

Call outs had been on an uptick lately and Virgil was having a hard time remembering when he’d last managed to a solid eight hours of rack time or even when he’d had a full meal.  Trying to recollect the last thing he’d consumed; other than coffee and stim’ tabs, had a sudden stab of pain flare in his temple.

Clenching his lids tight against the agony as the overhead control panel blurred out, he flung his arm across his face and buried his head in the crook of his elbow. Effectively blocking out and hiding from the glare of the panels around him that seemed to be lighting the place up brighter than the sun.

Taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it out his nose, he waited for the discomfort that had started to throb through his head to subside to a manageable level. In. Out. In. Out, repeat.  The pain didn’t abate in the slightest but grew in intensity.

Rubbing at the growing ache, he hissed out a curse as his comms pinged with an incoming transmission.  Forcing his posture upright, he plastered an acceptable expression on his face and flicked the line open, praying that it wasn’t another mission.   

“Hey Scott, what up?” 

The holo of his eldest brother floating blue and transparent above the control console frowned at him. “You coming up?” Virgil blinked a couple times as the image before him doubled and shifted back again. 

Virgil gave a nod and held back a wince as the movement of his skull drove a railroad spike through his cerebral cortex. Quickly schooling his features and hoping the eagle eyes of his brother hadn’t noticed, he flicked a few random switches. “Ya, just finishing up the post flight.  Had an odd reading from the aft thruster and had to run additional diagnostics. Be up in five.” 

“Okay,”  His brother replied back but didn’t sign off.  He hung there, arms crossed a moment and the intake a breath told Virgil that the commander of iR was suspicious.  “V, you okay?”  

Virgil cursed to himself as an aura flared in the corner of his eye,  “Ya, I’m good. Long day” He added a casual shrug before continuing.  “Almost done, meet you in the lounge in a few.” He forced a smile he hoped would reassure his brother that he was just busy and closed the line down.    

As the muted light of the holo dissipated Virgil all but folded in half, head dropping into his hands with a groan.  Biting back the nausea that started rolling his stomach and swallowing as his mouth started to salivate, Virgil fought his gag reflex and gruffly ordered the sun shade down over the view screen, plunging the cabin into darkness.  “Fuck..”  He moaned out, pressing his fingers into his eyes as the world went sideways. 

8-8-8

Scott sat back in his father’s desk chair and frowned as he watched the time tick by on the open data screen that was scrolling stock market details in front of him.   Something felt off,  he knew  his brothers were tired and worn from yet another rescue. They’d been busier than normal lately and it was started to wear but his big brother senses were tingling.

Fingers steepled, his frown grew as another minute past and still there was no sign of his Second.   Sitting up, he flicked the statistical data away and brought up an overhead blueprint image of the island. With another quick flick, coloured numbers appeared and overlaid the island villa floor plan. 

A couple of the numbers were moving about the island, going about their business of relaxing and enjoying the down time.  Alan; Scott could hear from where he was sitting, was down in the kitchen searching for something edible and singing horribly off key.   The red number three on the screen blipped merrily on the map before him in correlation.

The next closest numbers were his own and the submarine yellow four that indicated Gordon in the pool but the verdant number two was what drew Scott’s eye.  It blipped slowly and unmoving in the bowels of their island home, right where his brother’s ‘bird was berthed.  

Narrowing his eyes, Scott took only a moment of contemplation before double tapping the motionless number.  The screen shifted, flipping the island to a side view  and zoomed in on the hanger. The side profiles shrank as the screen split and tabled, moving to the top, left corner.  Mission data along with Thunderbird Two’s status flashed below, all scans showing green. The opposite half of the screen filling with the audio channel info and flight suit bio readings. 

On a whim, Scott blew the bio readings up for closer inspection and drew in a concerned breath.  The numbers were way off base line.  O2 levels were crap,  pulse was quick and thready and body temp readings wonky.  "Shit…" 

"What's up?" Came the lilting voice of their security expert from the base of the landing stairs, her eyes zeroing in on the screen as she stalked across the room.  

Scott spared her only a brief glance as he flicked back over to the house schematics and punched in a series of commands.  Instantly the storm shutters started trundling down over the villa windows and the over head lighting reduced. 

There was a yelp from Alan downstairs followed by something shattering, Scott ignored it as he turned his attention back to Kayo.  “Down in Two.” It was all that needed to be said.

“Another one?” She asked even though Scott knew she really didn’t need the answer.  

“Looks like it.” 

She mirrored his earlier expletive.  

8-8-8

They found Virgil in a shivering heap on Two’s flight deck fading in and out of consciousness and Kayo held back her panic as she sank down on her haunches beside him.  

Gently brushing his hair back from his forehead, she sighed at the sight.  His skin was sallow and damp with perspiration and he quaked as his body temp kicked up a notch.  “You idiot, what have you done to yourself?” She questioned softly as Scott settled down at her elbow and passed a med-scanner over his sibling.  

“This is a bad one.”  He whispered as he finished and pressed an IV kit into her hands. He pushed to his feet and gave her shoulder a squeeze. “I’m gonna go grab a stretcher.  We gotta get him up to his room and it doesn’t look like he’s gonna move otherwise.”

Kayo nodded in reply and Scott disappeared through the access hatch.  

Sighing as she looked at the pained expression on Virgil’s face she set to work unbuckling his baldric, relieving him of the top half of his flight suit and went in search of a viable vein. 

Swabbing the inside of his forearm clean she tried not to let how unresponsive he was to her prodding bother her but she was having a hard time of it.  She knew the corded muscle under her hand intimately and seeing it so slack was more disturbing than she cared to admit.  

She gave her head a shake and shut the thought process down, now was not the time and cursed as she failed yet again to breach a vein.  Damn it, his veins were a mess and she was having a hell of a time trying to find one that wouldn’t collapse as soon as she touched it.  

Squaring her shoulders, Kayo tried again with a smaller gauge and the sting of the needle fishing around roused Virgil from the darkness. His foggy eyes flickered open. Unseeing and blood shot they scanned around blindly. “..Tin..?”   His voice was rough and barely audible through the clattering of his teeth.

Kayo shushed him softly and comber a hand gently through his sweat soaked hair. “It’s ok,  I got you.” She whispered, bending down to skim a kiss over his brow before returning her attention to his shot circulatory system.  

“..S..s’rry..”  He groaned out as a wave of pain pulsed through him.  

She couldn’t help the confused chuckle and a soft, worried smile tilted her lips. “What for?”  She questioned nearly pumping her fist when she finally hit pay dirt.  Catheter in place, she grabbed a line and with little fuss set up a saline drip to replenish his depleted system. 

“Worrying..you.  Can see...see it in your..”He stopped abruptly, the colour bleeding out of his face as he took on a decidedly green cast. ..”oh god...” 

Kayo swore and steady him as he lurched to one side and proceeded to lose the contents of his  stomach all over the decking.  Grabbing an emesis bowl she held it out for him before too much damage could be done. Not that Virgil had much to bring up. 

As he dry heaved, all Kayo could do was rub a gentle hand on his back in slow, steady circles and try him couch him through the retching. By the time he was done,  Virgil was a weak, quivering mess and needed help to settle back down on the cool, diamond plating.  

“That sounded like fun.”  Came a voice from behind her as Scott returned from the medbay and crouched down beside them, his eyes glancing over the IV bag hanging off the back of a seat, “Hey Virg, how ya doing?”  

Virgil just grunted by way of reply, not even bothering to open his eyes and rolled over onto his back, his chest heaving with the movement. 

“That good, huh?” he turned to Kayo and pulled out a veil, speaking softly  “I’ve got Alan just outside to help get him upstairs but if he is at the yacking phase of the ride we gotta get this into him first or the trip is going to be rough.” 

Kayo took it from him and read the label.  It was a fast acting cocktail of painkillers and anti-nauseants that she knew Virgil hated with a passion but options were limited.  He was too far gone and they couldn’t very well leave him here on the deck of Two while they waited for the migraine to pass. 

Grabbing a sterile syringe she handed the lot back to Scott to deal with and lent down to Virgil’s ear.  “We’re giving you the cocktail,  I know you hate it but we don’t have much of a choice and you need it.”  

Virgil sank the heel of his palms into his sockets and with bared teeth clenching down as a new wave of torture attempted to make his brain explode.

With tender fingers, Kayo wiped an errant tear from his cheek and waited for his nod of approval.   He was lucid at the moment and due to that they couldn’t just pump him full of drugs unless he agreed to it. 

“Virgil?”  She questioned again, laying a hand on his heaving chest. “Let us help..” 

A small, brief nod from him spoke loudly of how much he was suffering.  

She looked to Scott who was already sliding the syringe into the IV injection port. His eyes meeting hers, he depressed the plunger and Virgil was lost to the black void of drug induced oblivion and she was thankful for it. 

8-8-8

TBC

Next post can be found HERE

The Master List of prompts can be found HERE

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

Musings on rumination

Over the past several years, I’ve written volumes about the “carousel” of rumination. It’s a common nervous system response among humans because of our large brains...

“Wash your hands...Wash your hands... Wash your hands...” “Stay at home... Stay at home...Stay at home...” “Social distance... social distance... social distance...” “Flatten the curve... Flatten the curve... Flatten the curve...” “Wear a mask... Wear a mask... Wear a mask...” Who knows what propaganda sound bites will go next around the carousel.

I’ve had to do a lot of deep personal work to get off the carousel of rumination in my own life and keep getting off whenever I may find myself back on it in some fashion. It’s not mind over matter or matter over mind. For me it has required integrating trauma and creating new nervous system patterns. It’s been VERY hard for me to do.

Integrating trauma (attachment trauma anyway, which most trauma is) happens in emotionally attuned relationships, and those connections are being severed now by quarantine. (And I personally lost one of my most significant ones when she and her family were forced to flee CA as political refugees after sb276.)

I admire the question of what strategy can stop this madness, especially on a large scale. I don’t know that answer. I feel overwhelmed coming up against the massive carousel of collective rumination. I see it for what it is, and I don’t know any way to stop it.

I am very angry with myself for not knowing that answer. I am very angry with the people on the carousel, despite my knowing that getting off the carousel is not a simple matter of will. I am so angry that I’ve cut people out of my life who didn’t recognize body sovereignty as a priority over their personal fears.

I have no reason to apologize for anger, and I have no regrets about ending those relationships. I did it to keep my sanity and avoid abuse. I also did it knowing that when I cut myself off from people, I unfortunately can never reach them. It’s a delicate balance for me, and I don’t want delicate balance. Delicate was SO 2018 for me, and I’m long over it.

I want to stand with people on my two feet on solid ground, and if I can’t do that, then I end the relationship and focus on the people who are not quite so lost in their spinning.

I’m just one person, just a human with a divine calling to this health freedom movement, a divine calling which I feel unequipped to handle. I’ve experienced failure after failure, and I feel very alone. I know the solution does not lie in aloneness, rather in community, very intentional community — the Nebuchadnezzar of sorts, to use a pop culture reference that I relate to. I regret that even after 15 years at this calling, I have no concrete solutions, and I’ve effectively accomplished the feeling of nothing.

I know it’s the primitive part of our brains, our “lizard brains” within the limbic system that respond to fear and basic survival needs: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, eating, reproduction. Logic doesn’t happen in the primitive part of the brain. It happens in the cerebral cortex. That’s why many fears are not based in logic or reality; hence people’s apparent cognitive dissonance. I know from much personal experience that it’s a very uncomfortable situation to be in.

Rumination is a form of *flight* in my experience. The body can’t escape, so the mind runs in circles instead. The cycle can’t be interrupted with logic or data. In my own experience it CAN be interrupted by self-awareness of the pattern, integrating the old trauma that established the pattern, and creating a new conscious pattern.

Why do many (most) people ruminate? (I.e. Why is fear mongering propaganda so effective?) In part because we have these big brains that have been successful in our lineages at keeping us alive. “Figure this out... Figure this out... Figure this out...”

Unfolding awareness and integrating old trauma are long-term solutions. This is the work of life if people choose it, but the question remains, what’s an immediate strategy? I don’t know, but I for damn sure appreciate that I see other people asking the same question.

The question I’ve personally been asking for 5 years as a human and as a writer is this: how might I possibly inspire people to feel about freedom the way they feel about love? I believe the two to be of the same source: the life force — the feeling at the top of a mountain after a long climb; the feeling of blood pumping through the body, breath moving through the lungs, and humming in every muscle, every tissue, every cell. How might I inspire someone to value this wonder, this creation, such that they’d be willing to be arrested for it, to die for it even?

That’s why I love the concept of walking about the earth. The simple act of movement is essential to our health, our humanity, and now our defiance. Walking represents refusal to be enslaved.

I’m all in for events that involve movement about the earth. It’s our innate right as beings of this planet. That right supersedes all else. In their stillness and stuckness and rumination, people have forgotten.

[incorrigiblyhuman]

@sagaiisms replied to your post:

Gimme those sweet stats.

okay so i copied parts of what i put in response to an earlier meme, but i added a BUNCH of extra explanations and stats so HERE WE GO:

LEONARD HORATIO McCOY, VARIANT HUMAN, TWILIGHT DOMAIN CLERIC.

variant human:

extra language:  elvish, a.k.a. vulcan, which is as close as i can get to acknowledging his unique knowledge of half-vulcan half-human physiology. i’ll count it as comprehension of mannerisms, too.

ability score improvement x2:  dexterity, intelligence - he’s excellent with his hands (DEX), and a brilliant medic who has on multiple occasions come up with cures on the fly, in imperfect conditions, for never-before-seen illnesses and plagues. (INT)

additional proficiency:  intimidation, because he’s king of the curmudgeons and if you think you’re leaving sickbay before he wants you to then fuck you, you’re wrong.

feat:  war caster, because he serves on a starship that is expected to run into combat, he has to be ready and able to perform while under attack. and is, always. also, being able to use the somatic components of a spell even if holding a weapon or shield is so useful when people in sickbay keep fucking ATTACKING YOU.

twilight domain cleric:

proficiencies:  insight, medicine - medicine is obvious, insight is because the enterprise doesn’t technically have an onboard psychologist, so he frequently fills that role, and has the degree for it. also because he’s learned to read the people he sees day in and day out like the medical textbooks he studied in college, he just Knows Things.

eyes of night:  gives you darkvision with no maximum range, and allows you to give that darkvision to other people around you. okay so it’s a bit of a stretch, but i like to apply this class feature to the surgical procedure mccoy invented involving grafting neural tissue to the cerebral cortex, SPECIFICALLY because they ended up using it in st: voyager, which is like passing off the ability to see in the dark because mccoy himself saw through the dark to create that procedure years before.

vigilant blessing:  gives one creature you touch advantage on the next initiative roll. how many times has kirk been about to move only to pause because of mccoy’s warning “jim!” and then proceed again, more cautiously? that vigilance keeps his friends safe.

channel divinity : twilight sanctuary:  can refresh allies by granting temporary hit points and ending one effect that causes one to be charmed/frightened. not only is mccoy a damn doctor, but he’s also pretty DAMN good at taking the piss out of someone, or making light of a heavy situation.

ability score improvement x2:  charisma, wisdom - man is scary, charming, and sympathetic in equal measures (CHA) and he’s been around the block a few times, he knows how to handle people and he knows what he’s doing, even if he doesn’t always act diplomatically. (WIS) i chose ability score over a feat because so far he’s a DEX and INT focused build but CHA is a super important part of his personality so we can’t lose out on that, and he needs WIS to be a cleric with a decent spell save DC.

steps of the brave:  at 6th level, you get advantage on saving throws against being frightened. mccoy’s instinctual reaction to fear is to throw it back in someone’s face, outwardly he gets pissy far before he gets scared. and it’s an effective reaction, just look at the khan scene. this feat also gives you a flying speed in darkness but i don’t know what the hell to do with that except to say that he can and will come out of nowhere if he senses you’re being a dumbass on this ship.

feat:  tavern brawler + increase in strength score - how many times have he and other away team members ended up in prison/captured/stranded/under attack? so many. tavern brawler gives him proficiency with improvised weapons ( see: the mattress in “bread & circuses” ), a stronger unarmed strike ( see: his takedown of the transporter operator in “city on the edge of forever” ), and a bonus action to grapple a target when attacking with an unarmed strike/improvised weapon. ( see: restraining eleen so that she wouldn’t alert the guards when the triumvirate were trying to break out of captivity in “friday’s child.” )

divine intervention:  at 10th level, can call a deity to intervene on your behalf when your need is great. “angels and ministers of grace defend us” from st: voyage home. need i say more?

prepared spells:   CANTRIPS - GUIDANCE  -  kirk goes to him for advice a LOT. - MENDING  -  the man can sew. let him patch some shit up. - TOLL THE DEAD  -  a single “he’s dead, jim” seals your fate. - SPARE THE DYING  -  perfect for a miracle worker. - WORD OF RADIANCE  -  he’s a master of offhanded insults, i’d give him cutting word if it was an option. 1ST, 2ND, 3RD, 4TH, and 5TH LEVELS - COMMAND  -  he’s CMO, if he’s talking you’re listening. - DARKNESS  -  he can project his depression like a dark cloud i guess? this one’s always prepared for twilight clerics, idk. - DETECT EVIL AND GOOD  -  he’s got good gut feelings, like in “dagger of the mind”. - FAERIE FIRE  -  useful for picking a problem out amongst the cluster of human internal organs, and especially amongst alien internal organs. - SLEEP  -  he can knock you out with a hypospray at any moment. - INVISIBILITY  -  where’s that post like MCCOY EXISTS YOU ASSHOLES. that. it’s a triumvirate goddammit. - SPIRITUAL WEAPON  -  hypospray. that’s it. - AURA OF VITALITY  -  tell me you don’t just light up seeing him bounce on his toes. he brings vigor to the room and joy to the heart. - BEACON OF HOPE  -  “my god bones. what have i done?”  “what you had to do. what you always do: turn death into a fighting chance to live.” - CREATE FOOD AND WATER  -  he can pull alcohol out of his ass. - FEIGN DEATH  -  amok time. that’s it. - LEOMUND’S TINY HUT  -  another one that’s always prepared for this class. he just makes any place feel like home, i guess. also ‘leomund’ looks like ‘leonard’. - REVIVIFY  -  i mean it’s a staple for any cleric, but also he’s a miracle worker who will bring you back to life no matter what. - AURA OF LIFE  -  it’s like what he gave everyone in “wolf in the fold” to keep them from succumbing to the killing terror of the jack the ripper spirit. - FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT  -  he’s a healer, so i imagine he’s pretty free to do whatever the hell he wants by the laws of most societies. especially if there’s a chance he can help someone. likewise, he can grant it to others by just saying ‘doctor’s orders’. - GREATER INVISIBILITY  -  MCCOY EXISTS YOU ASSHOLES!! but the movies version. - CIRCLE OF POWER  -  this is just a metaphor for vaccines. he can grant everyone advantage on saving throws. - CONTAGION  -  this is the “mirror mirror” nod, the acknowledgement of that potential for darkness should it need to shine through. you think he’s not capable of weaponizing his medicine when pressed? try him. try mirror leonard horatio mccoy. it’ll be the last thing you ever do. - DREAM  -  this is just a nod to the dreams of the raven novel tbh, he can affect ya dreams. - GEAS  -  if you’re nearby and he needs an extra set of hands, you’re an orderly now, period. likewise, if you’re fucking around in his space, all he needs to do is give you The Eyebrow and you will immediately stop. - LEGEND LORE  -  campfire stories baybee! he’s got ‘em! also a thousand and one stories about some great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great someone or other.

i only went up to level 10 stats for the time being because look at how damn long this got already agshdjk but IN SUMMARY!

twilight domain is TECHNICALLY unearthed arcana and untested, so it’s not “legit” yet, but the description of it fits mccoy to a T:

“the twilight domain governs the transition and blending of light into darkness. it is a time of rest and comfort, but also the threshold between safety and the unknown. clerics who serve these deities tend to be brave, delving into the dark to hold its dangers at bay and to bring comfort to those lost far from the light.” 

like what could possibly better suit a space-traveling, bullheaded doctor who joined starfleet after losing everything?

[ankutagawa]

Lessa : Servant of Cosmos Chapter 10

I've noticed I have gained some new followers because of these translations and I am really glad somebody likes it.

It was a really hard chapter for translation, but I think I've managed to do it. Definitions of words marked with * can be found in the end of the chapter.

Mienna and Youngsam are the cutest couple in this manhwa, do you agree?

Lessa : They are sleeping locked in my world. They can be waken up the way you did it to me.

However if they were awaken I wouldn't be able to protect them anymore. I wouldn't be able to control the Space around each one of them. They will have to be kept away from the sun.

Youngsam : Lessa... Do you really think I'm capable of doing it?

Lessa : I learnt something from Lexter. Sometimes people's abilities surpass even God's ones.

I believe in you.

Lessa the Servant of Cosmos Chapter 10: Sin

*Slap*

Mienna : We're running in circles!

Youngsam, we're not Gods.

Turning Dechild into human again? Pff... I have been wasting my time on this for two years already.

When you are working on this for five years probably.

It's not I'd want to confess it's impossible...

Youngsam : Well, are you to stay a Deman for the rest of your life, aren't ya?

Mienna : Why not? I'm powerful now, I can even open the jar of jam on my own.

You like jam too. Heh.

Youngsam : Mienna.

Talking about Lessa, why did he wake up with the help of the drug for recovering from anaesthesia?

Mienna : Are you talking about Flumazenil?

You have already treated him, so you know it. His body has a strong resemblence to the human's one. His blood is red, his flesh is soft.

And he's cutie.

*WHAAAAT*

Youngsam : Hey...

So, that's why you've just treated him like human.

I think this medicine will be suitable for Dechildren too.

Mienna : Sure. Since they are more similar to humans than Lessa.

Youngsam : It's strange.

Did Lessa put himself in this deep-sleep condition? What did he mean under children being locked in his world?

*froze*

The World of Mind.

The Thalamus*.

Mienna! You gave Lessa Flumazenil because you supposed the reason for this is GABA**?

*held*

Mienna : That's right.

Youngsam : Why? He isn't even a human being!

Mienna : It's one of the main neurotransmitters in mammals' central nervous system.

Youngsam : How did you come up with this idea? Is there something else?

Mienna : Hmmm...

Youngsam : What if not only God, but every creature has the World of Mind in its central nervous system?

Lessa's World... The path to God?

Mienna : It might exist I suppose. Hence, I have seen Dark Lessa before turning into Deman.

Youngsam : That's why... You decided we are similar to "God's creatures" so easily.

If the way through which Dark Power may be obtained it is paved...

Mienna and Youngsam : Through the Thalamus.

Youngsam : Huh?

Mienna : Interesting. It's rare for you to discuss such themes.

My way of thinking have never been in your liking. You have changed so much.

Youngsam : What?! Are you suggesting the article I'd criticised? It was ten years ago. Moreover, there wasn't any hint on life's sanctity.

Mienna : Don't make me laugh. Eventually you can save someone only through such sacrifices.

Let's assume you're right considering Thalamus as the reason for it. What can we do?

Do the surgery?

Youngsam : Ideally, if we find this path we should either cut it off or return the Dark Power back.

White : So, you got the place where you wanted to be. What are ya gonna do with me?

Lessa : You remind me of someone.

The small and fragile child. Why am I always so attached to the fragile ones?

White : Hey, I'm higher than you.

Lessa : No.

*swoosh*

In fact, I'm reaaally high. I might even say ginormous.

White : Okay. As you say... Hence, I'm this small and pity are ya gonna pardon me?

Lessa : Yes. I am not the one to judge you. I do not even have a right to do it.

I want to tell you something about your parents.

They didn't leave you. Conversely, they had given you a name before passing away.

This name was Charles Frederick Show.

White : How... They even came up with the second name? Why do you...

Lessa : Because I am in debt to you.

White : That's all?

Lessa : As I have said you remind me of someone.

I hope at least you will not forget your name and humanity.

White : Dammit. Their taste in names is awful.

* - The thalamus is a small structure within the brain located just above the brain stem between the cerebral cortex and the midbrain and has extensive nerve connections to both. The main function of the thalamus is to relay motor and sensory signals to the cerebral cortex.

** - gamma-Aminobutyric acid (GABA) is the chief inhibitory neurotransmitter in the mammalian central nervous system. Its principal role is reducing neuronal excitability throughout the nervous system. In humans, GABA is also directly responsible for the regulation of muscle tone.

[josephkitchen0]

Poultry Cognition—Are Chickens Smart?

Are chickens smart? And can you train them? New studies refute an old reputation and prove how remarkable these birds really are!

Are Chickens Smart? Assessing Trainability

“Chickens are super smart and really fun to train,” Amy Robinson, Manager of Wildlife Shows at the Dallas Zoo, recently told me.

I fully agree as, keeping chickens as pets, I have trained them to cooperate in their own husbandry. While working at different zoos, I trained chickens to perform in free flight bird shows. Although chickens were often the butt of the joke, they were also some of the most reliable birds I worked with and training a chicken isn’t difficult.

“They can be trained to do anything that they can physically do,” Robinson says. “They can push things, pull things, run from point A to point B, stand on a station, crow on cue, turn in a circle, scratch the ground on cue, come when called … the possibilities are only limited by your own imagination.”

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But are chickens smart? Do they have true cognitive abilities? Can chickens process related knowledge? Do they have the attention, working memory, judgment, and evaluating and reasoning skills to be called intelligent? Have you ever tried to reason with a chicken?

Organisms have evolved to suit their environment, so they can find shelter, mates and food. With that in mind, how would someone measure intelligence across species, let alone within a species?

I think it’s pretty difficult to gauge intelligence in animals,” Erin Katzner, CertifiedProfessional Bird Trainer-knowledge assessed (CPBT-KA), estimates. “That being said, I would call chickens very trainable.” Katzner has trained quite a few chickens, and she says they have all been tremendous fun.

“Most of my chickens were simply trained for A to B runs during a show, but I worked with one Mille-Fleur chicken named Penny who was trained to sit on an open palm for display during education programs and events,” Katzner says, who also trains types of pigeons.

“Along the same lines, I love training pigeons. I trained a blue-crowned pigeon named Liberace to ‘disappear’ during a silly ‘magic trick,” Katzner adds. Liberace was trained to run off the back of the stage when Katzner would lift the magic curtain in front of him. “The joke was that the audience could see him run away, but I pretended like I was an amazing magician who just made him disappear. Kids loved it and it’s a routine that could easily be done with a trained chicken as well.”

“One of the most common comments from the public is, ‘Wow, I didn’t know you could even train a chicken,’” Ryne Ferguson, Supervisor and Assistant Reserve Manager for the Kwa-Zulu Natal Crane Foundation in South Africa said. “Chicken training can be very rewarding just like any other training. Using trained chickens can really help with the education of children and adults alike.”

Ferguson has been an animal trainer for 10 years and has been training chickens professionally for three. “People really seem to connect with chickens and even trainers seem to really understand training better after training a chicken. Chickens are great training teachers for new trainers,” he adds.

Are Chickens Smart?

Are Chickens Smart? Learning from Antiquity

Dr. Karen Davis, President of United Poultry Concerns, has kept chickens since 1985.  “Throughout history, chickens have been admired and respected by various cultures under varying circumstances,” Dr. Davis says. Observers like Renaissance author Aldrovandi, she says, “have written eloquently, appreciatively and informatively about chickens.” He and others have particularly admired the parenting of both hens and roosters in their nurturing care, she adds.

In the Victorian era, chicken-keepers admired the family life and devoted domesticity of their chickens. Dr. Davis estimates the preconceived notion that chickens are unintelligent developed in the mid-20th century: “As the industrialization of chickens and turkeys was consolidated, the industry promoted the idea through advertising that chickens are stupid.”

Professor Annie Potts, Co-Director of the New Zealand Centre for Human-Animal Studies, agrees that industrialization and intensive farming have radically changed our views of chicken-kind. “Although those who live with their own flocks of chickens will understand how remarkable these birds truly are,” she says.

She believes that the idea of chickens being unintelligent can be traced to two key biases. “We tend to perceive species similar in appearance to us as being more mindful and aware; the greater the physical difference between humans and other creatures, the more likely we are to view those beings as driven merely by instinct or impulse,” Dr. Potts says.

She adds that we’re also influenced by something known as the “small-brain fallacy,” the assumption that tiny things just can’t be intelligent or aware. “This prejudice relies, in turn, on accepting that the cerebral cortex — the large, convoluted portion of the human brain — is the site of — intelligence’ for all creatures,” she says.

“Because this anatomical structure is insubstantial in birds, chickens and many other birds are presumed to be ‘simpleminded,” Dr. Potts explains. She also points out that birds, including chickens, have a different structure in the brain that is well developed, called the hyperstriatum, which is used in navigation when flying.

Since we lack this part in our brain, this would imply that chickens are smarter than us in navigation. When was the last time you navigated or flew without a GPS or plane?

“Anyone who lives with chickens, free-ranging unrestricted birds, will be aware of how complex their lives actually are — the various relationships they form with each other, the ways they communicate, how they behave in different situations, their curious modes or play, their pleasures and dislikes,” Dr. Potts says.

Are Chickens Smart? Refuting a Reputation

“As for species comparisons, all I can say, in brief, is that if a species is living, mating, reproducing and successfully raising its young, if the members are active and alert in the environment, they must be adapted and smart enough to do so,” Dr. Davis calculates.

A species needs to acclimatize effectively to its environment by being cognizant, vigilant and aware of what relates to its well-being and by being quick to act effectively to threats as they arise, Dr. Davis says. Domestic chickens have been around, conservatively, for at least 9,000  years, so they seem to be relatively smart. Although domesticated, they still must possess a certain cognitive ability that allows them to adapt to changing conditions.

“Chickens often perceive humans as predators, so we see them when they are panicking and alarm calling. No one looks their best under these circumstances,” Dr. K-Lynn Smith says. Dr. Smith, a Research Fellow at Macquarie University, works in the Department of Biological Science, in Sydney, Australia. She focuses on researching communication among chickens.

“People who keep poultry often have a better understanding of the chicken’s abilities, even if they don’t know exactly what they are seeing,” Dr. Smith says. “They know that their birds come when there’s food and are smart enough to come home at night.”

Chicken Cognition

Are Chickens Smart? Research Proves It.

“What animals communicate to each other and to their predators can tell us much about their understanding of the world,” Dr. Smith says. “I think the most remarkable thing is their adaptability.”

She has observed that chickens are able to learn fairly quickly and apply this knowledge to new situations. “They are also able to change their behavior to suit the situation. Their communication is also amazing. It’s more complex than that of some primates.”

Since no one has developed a crossspecies IQ test yet, Dr. Smith says scientists rely on proxies, like the ability to innovate and problem-solve.

An experiment you can do at home, Dr. Smith says, is to train your birds to find food under specific shapes. If you gather a circle toy and a star toy, you could always put food under one and not the other. Let the birds watch you at the start. Continue doing so until they stop checking the one without food.

“Then just start putting out the shapes with no food, so it can’t be smell or sight. You’ll see that the birds have worked out which one has food, and which one doesn’t,” Dr. Smith says.

For Dr. Potts’s 2012 book, Chicken, she studied the social lives, modes of communication, emotional behaviors, and cognition of chickens. “I had not realized they made sense of their environment visually via snapshots, or that they had such remarkable panoramic vision,” Dr. Potts says. She learned that they’re able to look forward to eat off the ground, while keeping an eye outward on what’s happening in the distance, in order to stay safe. “I was also delighted by the fact that they can remember over a hundred different faces of other chickens.”

What she also discovered is that they can also remember human faces, and for a long time. Other studies she found show that newly hatched chicks are able to quickly accomplish skills, such as object permanence, that human infants take a couple of years to achieve.

Chickens are also capable of referential learning. This is a type of learning where different calls mean different things. One call will signal an aerial predator, while another means terrestrial predator.

“Science has unfortunately developed a very anthropocentric (rather than biocentric) perspective on ideas like intelligence,” Dr. Potts says. “Smartness is totally relative. Chickens are smart in ways uniquely chicken. Their ‘intelligence’ shouldn’t be measured against or compared to human intelligence (or vice versa).” she exclaims.

Are Chickens Smart?

Metacognitive Caregivers

Now that you are thinking about chicken thinking, you might be asking yourself, how can I enrich my chicken’s environment? How do I fulfill my complex chicken’s cognitive ability?

Dr. Potts encourages poultry caregivers to continue doing research on how chickens view the world. She encourages caregivers to provide them with ample space, gentle challenges and treats. She says flock size is important since they are happier living in smaller flocks, like they do in nature. “Chickens also love novelty and are very curious — they like to be involved in what’s going on.”

Kenny Coogan, CPBT-KA, is a regular pet and garden columnist and has authored an ecological themed children’s book titled “A Tenrec Named Trey (And other odd lettered animals that like to play).” He has a B.S. in animal behavior and is a certified bird trainer through the International Avian Trainers Certification Board. Please search KennyCoogan.com or “Critter Companions by Kenny Coogan” on Facebook to learn more.

Originally published in Backyard Poultry October/November 2015 and regularly vetted for accuracy. 

What do you think? Are chickens smart? Tell us about your flocks!

Poultry Cognition—Are Chickens Smart? was originally posted by All About Chickens

[brokencompassbrokenperson-blog]

Negative environments, and the adverse consequences

Have you ever been in a situation, where you felt so undert threat, that outof no where you have a feeling that doesn't come around often? That feeling that your safety is in so much peril, your brain distinctively goes into a mode where there are two options. Fight or flight? You fight the threat to defend your well being, until your brain perceives that threat is no longer, and you calm down. Or flight, as you could accurately assume, you run away from the perceieved threat. The different between these two, doesn't question your "man hood." Just because you run, doesn't mean your weak or anything less. It's just simply the way you feel is the bestway to resolve your current safety concern. And the categories or how you react (fight or flight) isn't neecasaily definintive, in the fact of if you choose one of the options, fight or flight, that isn't how you're going to react everytime,you ina situation, where you question you safety and wellbeing. Sometimes, you may choose to fight, othere times you may choose to flight.

Moreoften than not, you don't really have a say in how you react, You just react. Sometime your reaction maybe "socially acceptable," other times your reaction is not. Theres a reason for this, its how the human brain is structured and how the mechanism works, and how sometimes you may overreact. Many times, the reason one over reacts is based simply on hyperarousal in our brain. This hyperarosual can cause hostility and or anger towards loved ones, you can't control it.

One factor is stress. Stress is quite influencial, when you look at our human brian. So, we basically have two major parts of our brain that contribute to our actions, and behaviours. One part of our brain however, is more prone to be affected by stress. Stress is something we don't really think about, it just happens. We have no say in it, stress is just a reaction to the envirmoent around us.

So the two major parts of the brains we have are called Cerebral Cotex and subcortialcal brain.

The Cerebral cortex, is the more "thought oreinted" part of the brain. Its where the majoirty of decisions are made. (well thoughtful decisions.) This basically the is where our individuality is housed. This part of the brain is where we decide what we like. Perhaps what music you prefer, what kind of people your attracted too, what you want to eat etc. All of our sensory information is taken and processed in this part of the brain, we need this part of the brain to take action. Infact the largest part of our brain, is infcat the cortex. and ebcause of the size of our cortex, it us allows to be on the "top of the food chain." There are animals that are bigger and stronger than us humans, so how does it make sense, that we remain at the top of the foodchain? Simple. We have the largest brain, we have the largest cortex.

But we, are animals aswell. We do everything animals do. Some of us have a little bit of slothe in us, so we like to sleep. Some of us have alpecca moments, and run around in circles in parking lot, watching law enforcementtrying to catch us. You get the point, we eat, make babies, hunt etc. And because of that animal part of our brain causes us to act like animals, to survive. Some of these reaponses trigger bhavious that we're ot too keen of.

So the primitive animal does a lot, without us knowing and without seeking approval from the Cerebral cortex. Basically, the primitive brain, isa badass, and likes to do what it wants. And usually just reacts to the envirmoent. For example, if we went on a bike ride, and I said to you, "don't sweat at all" Would you be able to do that? Of course not. Thats the Primitive brain.

Its a very interesting thing when you think about it. The primitive brain from day one, controls your heart, blood pressure, weather you sweat or not. And another good example would be... If you wanted to stop your heart for small intervals, to lower your blood pressure, you couldn't do it. This how powerfur the primitive brain is. And you know, as I've noted in my examples, youclearly see the strength of the primitive brain, when it comes to "standing up" to the Cortex. So those are things the primitive brain benefits. But like everytihing in life, theres a flip side. A side that isn't always good.

But in an everyday context I want you to present you with another example, of how it works in a "everyday" type of sitution. Imagine you with your pals, doing whatever your and your pals do. But for the sake of this, I want to throw in a certain location. Say your at a park. Being a man myself, and knowing men, I only know a mans view of things. But whatevr.

So your in a park, and withyour married pals, and a gorgeous girl walks by, wearing little to no clothing. Whats going bound to happen? The boys are going to look. Why? Not because there out looking for ladies, but we will we react instinctivelt to the Sexual attraction, thanks to the primitove brain. But by time your cortex has time to process what your seeing, you may look away...And say "hey, what am I looking for? I have gorgeous wife at home" and you look away, and reengage with the topic or thing you were doing, prior to seeing that unknown female strust besilde you. Due to the primitive animal brain, a sexual intict is a major part of our behavious, and how we act on a day to day bais. Sexual attration is a animal instict.

Now a more powerful primitive instict we have is surivvial. As mentione above, in practically every situationyou have two options...Fight or flight. And that in itself is a VERY VERY powerful instict we posess. So far we've determind that the primitive brain does alot of good. With respect to things we barely notice on a day to day basic. (eating exual attraction breathing etc.)

The cortex is the thought orinted part of our brian that mkes deicions, and ensures out well being, while taking in all sensory information and prosession all out our mememories.

Now with that said, the primtitve brain can have negative affects. It can be shaped and changed. Based on your enviroment, the physiology of the brain can change.

I don't want to get into specifics about me, so I will elaboarate based on a hypothetical situation. The Canadian Forces, who have usually be regarded as non agressive nation, with respect to starting wars. Sometimes are forced to go into them. After 9/11, being a member nation of NATO, which was enacted on August 24, 1949. The United States became the first and only member nation to invoke article 5 of the NATO treaty. Wherein it commits, that each member state to consider an armed attack against one member state, in Europe or North America, to be an armed attack against them all.

After 9/11 the Canadian Forces, were called in battle, a battle that we now understand to be quite questionable, and not worth the harm...in my perspective, on our troops.

Despite the events that occured, our troops were called into battle in a hot zone. In left withwounds that left some of our men and woman in uniform dead, or invisibly wounded. Personally the latter, is worse in alot of case. So when your in so much danger day in and day out, it will affect your physiloigy... Which it did, and many at the time wouldn't have noticed the affects until they got home.

In a military "hot zone," what is there to be expected? Well considering most troops write goodbye letters to there loves ones, it doesn't take a genius to understand the risk. the risk is possible death. They go over seas knowing that the enemy is going to have one objective. Kill them. Shoot them.Blow them up. Mangle them, or do any atorcious acts possble. And the affects you, weather you want it to or not.

Its impossible to prepare for such hositility. So there fight or flight bcause hyper aroused, and the prmiitive brain(animal brian) and accelarated... BIG TIME. Where usually your fight or flight response may happen for 5 minutes here, and 5 minutes there. It all of a sudden is active 24/7. I'm not entirely sure on the length of our deployments(shifts that last monthes) for our military personal. But the whole time they're there, there hyperaroused 24/7.

But being in combat, the hyper arousal is good. it saves alot of people. An instant reaction to the quickly changing, can save your life and/or your crews life. If you hear a grenade whats the best thing that could happen? You autmoatically, wihtout thought hit the ground to avoid shrapenal, and possibly the bullets that will be wizzing by your head, in the seconds after the intial grenade exploding.

All of a sudden, mothes later, your stilll alive. Depending on what solider you ask, they may claim that them being alive is a bad thing, some where see the light, and see there life as a good thing. You don't noitce the wounds until your back home. Home, in our country... we're pretty safe. We don't have to worry about hitting the ground if a explosion happens. The worse thing we have to deal with, is have a rouge timbit flying through the air at our heads.

So when they return, there cortex recongizes, there boarding a plane, and it reecongizes being home. The cortext understands "were safe." But again, the cortex is the thoughtful part of our brian. The cortex to back seat while the person was in harms way overseas, when being shot at. Thankfull, the cortex let the premitive brain, take decicsive action, that quite possibly saved the cortex brains life. Again, that is a good things.

But the premitive brain, who doesn't give a shit about any sensory information, is still hyperaroused. The primitive animal brain or the scientifically called "subcortical brain", or more specifially the amygdala structure of the brain is still hyperactive. Remember, that triggers fight or flight. Without consulting the cortex.

As we now know, its wonderful thing when your combat. I want you to imagine something. Imagine you in the woods, all alone. All of a sudden, this furosios majestic lion looking creature is walking towards you. I say "looking like" because chances are, you've never seen a lion in your life and you don't know what they look like. Back on point, you immediate response is going to be... "how the hell do I get out of this situation?" Do you fight the lion? or Do you run from the lion? Personally, I'd stab my friend in the leg, and take off running, it would up my chance of survial. I'm kidding. But the fight or flight response is beautiful in this case. This is potentially life thretening, a lion would whoop your ass.

So imagine the fear you have at the time. It could arguably be good, and could save your life. But I want you to take the fear you have... and take the lion away from the scenerio. Imagine you that fearful 24/7. It woudn't be easy.

Now, our troops have learned to react to explosin by hitting the ground, without thought. That instict has saved there life. Now imagine the troop going to a nickle back concert or something. And all off a sudden, a firework work goes off...*boom* He's on the ground in miliseconds. Without thinking, he has thrown himself out of fear, and animal instict on the ground to save his life. Two seconds later, the cortex catches up. And is like "bruh why you on the ground? Were in Canada, were safe" He didn't even hear the explosion and say "hey maybe I should get down, take cover" He reacted without thought.

So theres another important part the structure of the brain and how its all tied together and how it deals with sensory information. We can see, hear, touch, smell and taste. This infomration is sensed in our respective organs, and it sent to the brain. But smelling stuff, is kind of wired differently, because it goes directly to the cortex. Because of where its situated...But everything else has to go to a "switchboard" type of thing, called a thalmus. And the thalmus just sends information to the two parts of the brain, the Primitive subcortical animal brian, and the cerbral cortex, the thought oriented portion of the brain.

In the case of the concert, where the firework goes off, The explosions gets to the cerebral cortex, where the infomration is first processed. And you think is the bomb? Within seconds later, the cortex says "no its not a bomb we're back in Canada you fool." At the same time, the primitive brain lights up, and goes back to defcon five and reacts like would over seas and immediately reacts "this must be a terroist bomb." But within seconds the cortex catches up and says "chill, we good."

So why did that happen? Why did he hit the ground so quickly? Its simple, as I noted above, the primitive subcortical brain doesn't understand geography and stuff like that. All it knows is im hyperactive, to stay alive. And The primitive brain is very hyperactive to certain things or "triggers". Personally, my triggers vary to my expierences. I have many, but just for example...I had someone yell at me on the phone not too long ago. And to be compltely honest it was two monthes ago, and I still have nightmares of that person everynight. And the reason that is, is we draw many connections with things. So, in the case of the solider when he hears an explosion, he doesn't just hear "bang." He hears death, blood, body parts, heavy gunfire upon him. As you could imagine. it is not an easy thing to deal with. Especially, when you have no control over it. The Subcortical brain does what it wants.

Another important thing about the primitive animal brain Is the geography... One, as I mentioned above it doesn't understand geography in the sensory sense. But something that also is different is, the primitive animal brain is faster the cerebral cortex. Its literally wired to respond faster than the cerebral cortex, the smart brain. So in the case of the solider at the concert, before the solider can even think, and pondr if thats a fire work or not. The Animal brain has already reacted. And which is good in a hot zone. But by time your on the ground, the cortex, is going to feeling stupid, because, your on the ground, but your the only one and everyone else is having a great time. So that is a prime example of how a hyperactive braincan affect someone without, that person having a say. Because it was a non-thinking response.

Non-thinking response ar triggered by the primital animal brain which is wired to respond faster. When you think about it from a safety perspective, in a safe or survivial perspective, the faster we react heighten the greater of the out come. So, humans have not been around for as long as animals have. Humans have been around for hundreds of thousands of years. But Animals have been around for hundreds of million years. But fo over 300 million years animals have had the fight or flight response. Animals have learned The faster they react the more likely they are to survive. And we continue to carry that... We, have perfected the fight or flight response, weather we like it or not.

The animal brain is fast not smaty... it’s fast. The quicker you respond to dangerous threatening situations the more likely you’re to survive. And so, A child that grows up in an abused environment you could take them out of that home or school and put them somewhere else, but if he or she has experienced significant abuse in that home or school, that abuse has impacted their arousal system, their primitive animal brain, no matter how much in their cortical brain they may want to overcome that they are still reacting to situations programmed in that primitive animal brain which you can’t change by thinking, any more than you can change your speed of your heart or your blood pressure, eat and hold your food your belly for four hours before you digest it. It is fight...A fight to continue, despite the change of envirioment, nothing really ever changes. Sometimes you may find yourself in a "catch 22." Yes, you could leave your bedroom, but you risk having a flashbacks, or having your fight or flight take over. Or the other side of the coin, is you could stay in you room, and feel safer, because you know what triggers you'll face that day.

I wanna mention a little bit about irritability. So there was a girlfriend and man at home. And the girl asked her boyfriend “yo, can you take out the trash for me?” and he's like “Sure no problem. I’ll take out the garbage. I mean youv've housed our kids.” So the guy got up, took out the garbage and without the girl noticing, he came back in the house and sat down.

Now meanwhile the girlfriends walked into another room where the two kids were. And the two kids had spilled juice all over the brand new carpet. She was pissed she’s got this new carpetw with a huge stain, she’s pissed. Yelling to no one in particular..."Why these kids spilled juice here", "why did we re-do the carpet" so with this nasty stain on the floor, she angry. But she’s not mad at her boyfriend... but she comes back to where she and her boyfriend were sitting moments prior with angry look on her face.... Now, perhaps her boyfrined is tired or stressed with work stuff on or whatever. He's not particularly in a great mood. She comes back to him now and she got an angry look on her face and she goes, did you take out that trash like I asked you?(with audible annoyance in her voice) He starts cursing at her and yelling at her. so what happened? How did she approach her boyrfirned? Annoyed? angry? Hosile?

What’s the fastest part of the brain that responds to sensory information coming in as an angry face and angry tone of voice? The fastest part of the brain that respond is what the primitive animal brain, in order for that man to recognize hey that my little boo boo bear talking about the garbage, he needs his memory and his cortex to recognize his girlfriend and to recognize thewords "did you take out the garbage?" When he responded he didn’t respond to his girlfirned, he responded to the aggressve percieved threatenging tone of voice and the hostile face that she presented. Now of course when he yells at his gal, she yelled like that back now all of a sudden And now they’re in a big argument over nonsense. Their intelligent cerebral cortex brain made a decision hey I love this girl. Let’s get married and live happily ever after. Let’s have a wonderful life together. You’re awesome. and they say all the other cheesy shit happy couples say to one another. But in the heat of the oment, the intelegence of the cerebral cortex was gone. And the subcortical brain was reacting, causing them to get into a situation that is not only stupid, but an argument, that you would have never had, should your cerebral cortex brain be the one in charge. So what I'm getting to when the brain is hyperarousd, or if its stressed out, you can say things or react in ways that make no sense. The hbyperarousal, of personal sitation, is something I will never speak of, because its one of the most consistant battles I continue to fight. The ever so present fight or flight in my life, interferes with other parts of my life. keeping me up, usually takes over my memory, because I'm thinking of all stress, and situations unknowingly. Its very hard. And I'm not talking about my conscious brain. Where I'm thinking about things, and plotting life out and my goals, using my thought oriented brain. I'm talkling about the hyper arousal brain, thats been stimulated by stuff that, most people will have no clue of. To be honest its hard to manage sometimes, because of the stress hormones that are seemingly always being released, it justactivates parts of the brain and memeory because very difficult for me, Concentration and attention is also a constant problem. The problems are not because I have a shit memory, or it could be debated I'm a shit person...But I think its more of problem that my attention is always being diverted to stresss and other factors I continue to battle.

So for anyone, ive ever offended, or let our relationship die. I apologize.