#safe to say i had a crush on her for the movie’s runtime

[gamerdog1]

The Good House Review

In the whirlwind of films coming to theaters this fall season, most audiences will no doubt have more seasonal films on their minds. Theaters fill up with movie-goers who are ready to get scared, to see something terrifying on screen that will make them have nightmares for weeks to come.Lots of current films use physical objects of horror, like a masked slasher or a demon that forces it’s victims to brutally kill themselves, to terrify audiences. At the end of the day, though, audiences can come out of the films knowing that they’re safe, because the monsters aren’t real. What if, though, a film tried to make us afraid of something real, something that could easily happen to any of us if we aren’t careful? One might think that that would make it all the more terrifying, but in the case of the 2022 film The Good House, any fear that could be had is dead on arrival. 

The Good House is a film starring Sigourney Weaver, who folks like me will recognize from famous roles in films such as Alien (1979) and Cabin in the Woods (2012). Here, she plays Hildy Good,  a real estate agent who struggles to make ends meet as a real estate agent in a harbor town, all the while becoming more and more of an alcoholic.I can only assume that some charity put this director up to this, seeing as this film is so incredibly on the nose with its message, yet simultaneously doesn’t seem to care, it had to be some sort of half-assed PSA by MAAD. The film’s main message is ‘don’t be an alcoholic’, which seems simple, and that's because it is. And yet, this film can't seem to decide if it wants to be a cautionary tale or a Hallmark movie, flitting in between the two like an anxious hummingbird at a botanical garden. Its almost like every time it tries to be serious with its message, it remembers it’s a theatrical movie with an audience that isn’t here to be preached at and throws in some filler. This film has more fluff than a Build-a-Bear plush, though I doubt that I’ll find a red velvet heart buried deep within it.

The film prides itself on its anti-alcohol message, yet the contents of the film sometimes appear to say otherwise. It would make sense for a film trying to warn its audience of a danger to show why such things are dangerous, yet here, little care or thought was put into showing us the dangers of alcohol.  Every time Hildy drinks, then does something foolish, she never suffers. When she goes skinny dipping, she doesn’t catch a cold or get lost. She’s spotted, but by the love interest, who for some reason sees it as charming. Later in the film, when she drives drunk, she swerves all across the road and sticks her head out the window like a dog, but doesn’t crash. In one part of the film, she attends a Thanksgiving party, where she sneaks off repeatedly to slip more and more vodka into her drink, yet her drunkenness is never noticed by her loving family. In fact, they seem to love her even more, acting as if she’s suddenly cured of her issues. If the film wants us to know that drinking excessively is harmful, why does our main character never suffer when she drinks too much? Why does she always get away scott-free? If the film wanted us to believe that Hildy is suffering because of her dependence on alcohol, it should show us how her actions have consequences. All these moments do is show us that if you hide it enough, alcoholism is okay. After all, Hildy has the most friends when she is in spaces where alcohol is being served to her. 

As if the mishandled messaging couldn’t get any worse, The Good House decides to devote a good chunk of its runtime to showing its main character continuously relapsing, as a means of padding the plot.  Just when you think the film’s over, Hildy drinks, and suddenly is back to square one. Its frustrating, because you just want the film to be over, but it just never ends, because the film just isn’t done with us yet. At one point in the film, Hildy reunites with her highschool crush Frankie, and the two end up sleeping together. You’d think that at this point, the point where she is happiest, that the movie would end, right? The quest is over, she’s found someone willing to help her and care for her, so she has no need to obsessively drink, right? Unfortunately no, because the film tries its damndest both to fill out that hour and 45 minute runtime, and to drive it into our heads that she’s relapsing over and over. Instead of doing this through, I don’t know, style and grace, the film sees that we already paid for a ticket so we might as well be trapped here. This is not to say that the idea of relapsing should’ve been cut from the film, in fact, its an important part of portraying Hildy’s battle with addiction. However, I doubt that it was necessary to put the audience through a Groundhog Day style scenario just to achieve this.

The strangest part of this film’s messed up messaging is how in the last act, it suddenly takes a nosedive and tries to tackle a whole other issue altogether. In the last 20 minutes of the film, when Hildy is at her lowest, Peter, a side character who had barely been present in the film thus far, magically appears before her, drenched in water. He sits with her and talks about what it means to be happy, before disappearing completely. Then, during the search for one of the other characters’ sons, its revealed that Peter drowned in the lake. Peter’s suicide is sudden, especially in a film where he had about five to ten minutes of sceen-time. The film’s flimsy explanation for it does nothing to make it feel any better.  It almost felt like a last-ditch effort for the film to get drama points, as if the film wasn't trying to make you feel bad enough already. There is no leadup to this, which made me feel shocked and alienated by this decision. Its almost laughable if it wasn’t so pitiful. 

How could a film that takes itself and its subject matter so seriously, that prides itself in being grained in reality, do the old ‘ghost of dead friend’ trope? Then, to do a complete heel-turn and with all seriousness, declare him dead, its an absolutely baffling move that had me laughing hysterically in the theater. The film was clearly trying to tug at our heartstrings, both by having a named character die, and by having his struggles parallel Hildy’s, though his ending became tragic. I can only assume that he is supposed to mirror her, yet we never know his struggles, so how are we supposed to gather that at all? Aside from his brief mentions of how his cheating affects him, and how he fears his mistress’ husband, we know nothing about how he feels, and therefore we feel little beyond shock and bewilderment when he is found dead. Maybe if the film had shown us more about him, his death would be as meaningful as they wanted it to be. It sucks, because suicide is nothing to scoff at, yet this film sees it as a plot device to get quick drama rather than something real and serious. 

The Good House is a film that poses itself as a thoughtful drama that discusses the topics of substance abuse, where in reality it is far from it. At times, quite preachy, where at others it seems to forget itself entirely and wander about like an old blind dog, this film doesn’t commit hard enough to being a drama or a cautionary tale to be either. It tries to wear too many hats all at once; a thoughtful character drama, an emotional piece about addiction and substance abuse, and wholesome romance, all of which clash horribly with each other and topple over at the slightest breeze. 

[moonssugar]

i don’t remember anything about the da vinci code except that the girl that’s supposed to be jesus’s great granddaughter or whatever was cute

[fuckyeahnightmares]

Halloween Kills (An Hour of my God Damn Life)

Anyway, I paid 4.99 for peacock (with ads!) so I could review this movie. Give me notes.

I went in with the notion that this movie would be mid. I liked the first movie and I really like the director so I thought I’d try to clear my head of expectations and let the movie speak for itself.

What is this movie?

Bad.

How scary is it?

It’s not. I feel like everyone has seen Michael Myers do his thing enough to the point there’s no way the image of him popping out can be scary.

At some point someone says, “There’s something in our house, and I don’t think it’s kids,” which would be scary in a different movie, if it created some suspense as to what exactly is in the house and let our imagination run wild, if we didn’t know the fate of these characters. But in this movie, it’s Michael Myers. If the people in the house simply leave, then they are safe. But if they decide to stay for whatever reason, they’ll die. It’s as simple as that.

Jump scares?

Uh, kind of? Maybe? Maybe Michael pops up sometimes, but it doesn’t really do much.

Is there blood and gore?

It’s the only thing this movie has going for it besides Dylan Arnold’s hair and Judy Greer.

On a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being Al-- actually, Halloween Kills is the new 10), how dumb were the characters?

Imagine watching a bunch of people walking into a woodchipper and then thinking to yourself, “Well, I’m built different,” and proceeding to walk into said woodchipper, naked. That’s a decision every single character not named Michael Myers makes in this movie.

Does the story make logical sense if you think about it too long?

No.

Can’t you just enjoy it as a dumb fun slasher flick?

If it fucking LET ME.

The thing about this franchise is, the 2018 Halloween was actually good. It was a lean, mean slasher movie that didn’t reinvent the wheel but had some interesting things going on in its head with Laurie’s PTSD and that fracturing her relationship with her family.

This movie also tries to have deeper themes. It forgets those along the way. It feels as if it’ll have something to say about making sure the next generation doesn’t experience the same trauma, then a man who has Michael Myers PTSD takes his son on a Michael Myers-hunting stroll about town. There is also a weird mob mentality storyline that says nothing and adds nothing but 15 minutes of brain-killing runtime.

There are a gazillion characters in this, and this movie lets you latch onto exactly zero. Jamie Lee Curtis hangs out in a hospital gown for 15 minutes before cashing her check. The camera lingers meaningfully while introducing or re-introducing various characters who you think will provide some narrative cohesion and emotional weight to the story. Then they don’t. They probably get up and run naked into the woodchipper and call it a day. One character gets like a 15 minute flashback sequence then has probably 5 minutes of present day screen time. Anthony Michael Hall says one emotionally complex sentence and then is directed to act like an angry Elmer Fudd for all his other scenes.

And then the drama. It wants you to feel awful about some kills, and then it makes some kills kind of funny. Having someone goofily assist Michael Myers in their own murder in one scene and then having someone grieving over their loved one’s corpse in another is some tonal whiplash more brutal than any of the executions.

It feels as if this movie was made in spurts. As if they had to pause production because of Covid multiple times, but every time they resumed production, they had completely forgotten what they were going for last time they were all together. I wish I could forget the same way. 2/10

I liked the intro thing with the burning pumpkins.

Spoiler-y thoughts below

I guess Big John and Little John were kind of fun.

I would have decked that skull kid who took all the candy. Crushed him.

“Since Laurie is in the hospital, I wonder if the main characters in this movie are gonna be the doctor and nurse... nevermind.”

I thought that dude who played Joe Collie in Midnight Mass, the dude who Michael let live as a kid, was going to have some meaningful encounter with the killer. Nope. Dude gets fucking stuffed.

Dude’s son also gets destroyed.

That was Theo from You. Damn. But this franchise could take some cues from You on how to balance the fucking tone in a murderfest.

They seem to bring back characters from the dead all willy-nilly, and it looked like Michael was just stabbing Judy Greer’s arms. She was blocking like she was playing RE, so I kinda doubt she’s dead.

Michael Myers is immortal. Sure.

I would have crushed him. Just built different.

[skunts-own-truth]

I got some feelings about Godzilla vs. Kong and they go a little something like this:

1. Liked the part with the monsters, that was good.

2. Really blows how quirky Marvel-y corporate-ass the personalities of any and every human character was. I know it’s old hat to be like “the humans in monster movies are bad,” but this was particularly rough- given me and the gang just watched Skull Island right before that, and Skull Island was actually good, and did interesting camera work, and had very fun characters.

3. Godzilla could have not been in this movie and nothing woulda changed. That’s not good. They shoulda gave the big lizard more to do. Also, you notice how wild it is that Godzilla only killed 8 people in Florida (so said the news in the movie,) and visibly killed waaaay more folks in Hong Kong? Thought that was a bit not very good. Crush more Floridians, baby, we deserve it.

4. The big ape? I loved him. I love how expressive this dude is. Child girl? Didn’t need her for it, the big guy was expressive enough without the whole sign language stuff. But, hey, it also doesn’t take anything away from the fact that the ape monkey is good.

5. Man, I really wish they used Godzilla more in this movie with his name on the dang title.

6. I swear, this film woulda been 90% better if they cut out every main human character, and only made humans background figures to make the giant monsters interact and globe trot. Can’t spend more than 10 minutes without a monster in frame, that’s the new rule for monster movies. Movie folk, work on that.

7. Sucks they didn’t kiss, but whatever. Love still wins.

8. Honestly, I was hoping more monsterverse flicks got made, but after this one... I’m fine with them stopping. If they become more and more quirky and safe like this movie was, I just don’t want them to be made.

I’m saying a lot of negative things. It did disappoint me, especially riding off of KotM and Skull Island (both way, way better movies,) but at the end of the day- I loved the run-time. Super short. I do wish most of that runtime had monsters on screen, but whatever, I get it. What I wanted to see; namely, Godzilla and Kong throwing each other around, Godzilla winning, and them kicking the tar outta Mechalad, was all there. Every scene with a monster in it, was a way better movie.

I dunno, man. I think my preferred film would be a kaiju flick entirely from the prospective of Kaiju with humans as these dumb little ants. But, hey, that’s probably ain’t happening any time soon.

Get me a Primal Rage movie, maybe?

[nodesiretogrowup]

alright, round 2

Quack Pack!:

Damn, they just throw you into the sitcom. I love it. All the overacting and over the top poses/reactions are great

Dewey’s entrance is great

Is the bear the one from the last episode?

“I’ve shenaned-once, I’ll shenan-again” BEAUTIFUL

And then he just one-legged hops up the stairs backwards

I liked the Della and Louie are both wearing green. It’s a cute thing to tie them together

ON THE MOOOOOOOOON

Louie totally did this scheme with Dewey in Della’s place at some point

The fact that Scrooge stops to entertain the idea is great

 “We’ve got about...30 mins” I love when shows make allusions to the actual runtime

Beakley and Webby had the BEST ENTRANCE! They must have seen the Lady Gaga halftime show

That dangerous agent stuff is probably gonna come back. Next week is the spy episode so...

“I’m not a spy” I wonder how that worked in the plot of the fake show. Did Beakley do spy stuff? It just doesn’t make sense for a sitcom

From the get-go Huey could tell things were off

WHY DID DONALD HAVE TO MAKE SUCH A SEXY FACE AT THE CAMERA?! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A CRUSH ON DONALD! CURSE THE DT CREW FOR MAKING DONALD HOT! AND THE SEXY VOICE!

I wish they had just used the Quack Pack intro for the theme this episode

I want Launchpad’s band to somehow exist. I liked the girl’s design a lot

INTRODUCING DELLA!

“QUACK PACK WAS TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.” Oh 90s sitcoms

When you rewatch the episode you can see they foreshadowed the twist. Donald looks directly into the camera an awful lot for someone that doesn’t know there even is a camera

Knox Quackington? Even for a show full of punny names, that is a ridiculous name

His outfit looks more “ace reporter” than “eccentric photographer”

“He’s a spy” Do you think Gene was trying to pretend to be a spy for the wacky misunderstanding of the episode in-universe or he just didn’t know how photographers act?

“YOU’RE SO SMALL! But so STRONG!” Webby has probably killed a man

The screen wipes are GREAT, though that feels more like an anime thing than sitcom. Sitcom scene wipes usually were establishing shots of the house they live in or the city. I’ve watched far too much tv

Louie’s lie speil was great and solid logic

“Time is money, kids, and I’d rather spend time because it’s not money” Inspirational

Donald sure cares a lot about the lighting. How would he know the office had the best lighting, hmmmmm

Something about that hand movement makes me think 90s but I’m not sure why

Dewey doing the dance that the triplets do in Mr. Duck Steps Out is cute

The blank pages made me think about how people can’t read in their dreams

“On the moon we had this old saying-always check your pockets” To be fair, that is good advice

Poor Huey just CAN’T catch a break! First he hallucinates a talking guidebook (THAT BURNS TO DEATH AND COMES BACK AS A GHOST) now reality is SHATTERING BEFORE HIM. Yeah...this season’s gonna do a number on this kid. Hopefully he gets a break next week

“Since when are YOU a hairstylist?” “SINCE THE INTERNET” Now THAT is a quarantine MOOD right there 

So we learn later that SHABOOEY is Gene’s catchphrase, is Dewey saying it because he’s being controlled by Gene in that moment? 

Donald looks into the camera again

SOMEONE HELP THIS CHILD! HIS WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL

THE FUCKING PEP COMMERCIAL! GOD IT WAS SO 90S AND BEAUTIFUL!! I NEED THE SONG TO BE RELEASED! 

Maybe because it was a soda ad in a Disney Afternoon-based show, but the commercial made me think of Coo-Coo Cola from Rescue Rangers

Ducktales-the ONLY Disney show with an in-universe “and you’re watching Disney Channel”

I love Huey dearly but....it’s really fun watching him MCFRICKIN LOSE IT

Dewey can’t throw...because he’s a theatre kid

Donald looks at the camera again

Louie’s wipe DEFINITELY looks like something out of an anime. Is Louie secretly a weeb? I mean he is in a different show

Gene doing his best not to break character. A true thespian through and through

“Yo” *all the ladies cheer*

All of the sudden BAM Launchpad has a band. Is he the Uncle Jesse?

I love that we don’t get to hear them play

“Trapped in a mystical prison that’s constantly laughing at us” I call that my brain :’)

“WHO ARE THOSE LITTLE GUYS?”

“I figured if anyone would crack, it’d be Dewey” Huey seems WAY more likely to snap imho

“But that was from soul-crushing loneliness” Della, you wanna talk about that? With a professional perhaps?

“We need some wacky hijinks!”

“HOW DID I GET HERE? WHY AM I DANCING?” Huey gets SO MANY great lines this episode

And once again we have Donald looking directly into the camera

“Cute girl stuff” Della probably went around with a meat tenderizer as a kid, so it’s normal

Goofy seemed to be aware of the cheering. HMMMMMMM

AAAAAAAAAAAAND.....GOOF TROOP POSE

I’ve been calling DT17 Goofy Chibi Goofy because of how short he is compared to how he normally looks. They probably made him shorter so he and Donald fit in a single frame easier. I know a lot of the boarders/animators for the show have a hard time doing scenes with Launchpad and the kids because of how MASSIVE he is compared to the kids

Goofy knew something was different about Donald. HMMMMMMM

The way Don delivers the line “You CAN help” has a weird inflection, at least to me

I want Goofy thinking to become a meme and people put random sounds over it like those are Goofy’s thoughts

That face-slap was loud

AND DONALD LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA LIKE HE’S ON THE OFFICE

Where was Dewey that whole time? He kind of just...disappears for a bit

Oh Launchpad, you MAJESTIC himbo. And Gene smiles, too cute

“Getting the lid off that peanut butter jar was an adventure” In that household it probably could have

Donald using Louie and Della’s names when he could have just said you broke your mom’s vase or something like that

You look pretty nervous there, Donny-boy

“I don’t mean the last episode” Good, because you kinda lost your mind in the last episode

Wow, flashbacking is TRIPPY

“EVERYONE, TILT YOUR HEAD TO THE LEFT THEN SCRATCH YOUR CHIN” So that’s how you do it

“We should really get back to the plot, I mean problem”

Why don’t you want to flashback, DONALD?

lol Goofy does it too even though he wasn’t present for that event

Gene’s just blankly staring in the background

“REMINISCE HARDER” What you tell yourself as you take a test and are trying to remember what you studied

Yay, the journal is brought up!

“How many lamps did this jerk have?” Excellent question

Webby looks INSANE and Huey FULLY SUPPORTS HER

DONALD HAS PTSD AND NEEDS HELP

I feel like Gene took some MAJOR liberties with Donald’s wish. When I think normal family problems I don’t think of sitcoms. In fact that is the FURTHEST THING from what I think of as normal. Then again Gene is played by Urkel, so that might be his normal

Speaking of, does Gene know that they are all ALREADY in a tv show? How far does this rabbit hole go?

“EVERYONE STOP CATCHPHRASING!” “Is ‘I’m not a spy’ seriously my catchphrase?” You deserve better, Beakley

Of COURSE Dewey’s cool with it...because he’s a theatre kid

DEAR LORD, SOMEONE HELP THIS MAN!

Gene just trying to sneak out. I don’t think he wanted to deal with all that family drama

“HOW MANY MORE SECRETS DOES THIS AGENT HAVE?!” Oh Launchpad. Next week you’ll learn all about secrets and agents and secret agents

Gene feels like what would happen if all of Genie’s pop culture references were limited to the 90s. I LOVE IT

“AGES! The long ago year of 1990!” Well I feel old (born in 91). His eyes after he says it are just AMAZING

Gene being so knowledgeable about what makes great tv is hilarious. Clearly he should have directed the Darkwing movie lol

Seriously though, this really gives us a good look at Donald’s psyche. The guy just wants his family to be safe. But it’s even deeper than that. He wants to be normal, which includes him having a voice that’s easier for people to understand. He’s got a lot of baggage and trauma that needs to be dealt with, mainly how he views himself. Like, fuck

The HURT you see in Della’s eyes when Donald talks about why he likes it there BROKE ME

Huey’s line about adventuring being who they are got me teary eyed

Goofy just shrugs as he walks out

Of course Launchpad was gonna get the multiple dates plot. We’re ALL thirsty for some Launchpad

“Probably at least 3 seasons, plus spinoffs, and I assume they’ll reboot the show eventually.” Lines like this make me think Gene is very aware he is in a tv show

WHY THE FUCK WERE THE AUDIENCE HUMANS?! IS GENE AWARE THAT HUMANS EXIST AND ARE WATCHING THE VERY SHOW HE’S ON?! WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE?!

 “HORRIBLE, FLESH-FACED MONSTERS!” Not gonna argue with that

Dewey is SUCH a drama queen

I don’t like how Scrooge called Gene genie. He told you his name, there’s no need to be rude

POGS

Ok the study date girl kinda reminds me of Laura from Family Matters, but that might just be because Urkel is there lol

How old is Launchpad supposed to BE in the sitcom? I don’t think a 30-something is going on many study dates

“You all seem real nice, I feel bad about the mix-up” LAUNCHPAD YOU BEAUTIFUL HIMBO

OH GOD THE LAURA DUCK IN THE BACKGROUND. JESUS

Beakley and Della telling the dates to find themselves and to be independent SLAYED ME. I was NOT expecting that!

“AH, MY PET SNAKE!” “Louie why would you have this?” “THIS IS A POORLY CONCEIVED STORYLINE!” “Eh, everyone’s a critic.” Louie’s right though, DEWEY would be the one with an exotic pet. Or any pet

Tiny Johnny and Randy

WHY ARE THE HUMAN KIDS’ PROPORTIONS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE ADULTS?! THEY HAVE GIANT FUCKING HEADS!

 PUT SOME PEP IN YOUR STEP

The ENTIRE SCENE of Goofy and Donald together was SO HEARTWARMING and something we could NEVER GET before this series!  Having Donald and Goofy talk about being parents is WONDERFUL! It’s something we’ve never seen before with these characters. Donald just wants to be normal and Goofy giving a beautiful speech about how there really is no normal so enjoy the candid moments in life. I LEGIT CRIED

OF COURSE Goofy would have the wallet overflowing with pictures, he is THAT DAD. Seeing Max was great. I thought we might see PJ but I SQUEE’D when they showed the picture of Max and Roxanne! I hope they show up for real later on

We get a hint at the OTHER twist here with Goofy actively encouraging Donald to put things back to normal while everyone else that aren’t the Duck family are trying to keep them there

Also, Goofy’s ears have bones

DON’T MESS WITH DONALD’S FAMILY. It will NOT end well for you

Goofy just starts snapping pics, like the true photographer he is

SAX TIME

“LET’S GET QUACKING” It’s no “I AM THE STORM” but still good

AVENGERS CAMERA SPIN

“A lamp in a lamp?” I can’t tell if that is BRILLIANT or lazy. Or BRILLIANTLY LAZY

“YA HA HA HOOOOWIIIIIEEEEE” It wouldn’t be a proper Goofy cameo without the yell

The scorpions got bored and left

 “The sound of no one laughing never sounded SO GOOD”

“BEST EPISODE EVER!” Definitely in my top 5

“Gawrsh, that’s sweet.” *does a cute wave* “Wait, Goofy was really here this whole time?”

Ok, but where was Goofy before then? Did Gene poof him away from something important? I WANT ANSWERS!

I bet they had this bit so people wouldn’t freakout like they did with Darkwing

I love Launchpad just being confused and waving at Goofy. He’s never met the dude before so it’s understandable. But I NEED they to have a proper interaction. THING OF THE PROPERTY DAMAGE!

“Magic’s got NOTHIN’ on a big name guest star” YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN A SHOW!

Lowkey want that Goofy lava lamp

The little Maxes flying over Goofy’s head...ADORABLE

PLEASE TELL ME THEY GOT GOOFY HOME SAFE

Donald using his last wish on the picture made me tear up. He could have had ANYTHING. He could have wished for a normal voice. But he used it for a family memory

Donald and Beakley both looked into the camera for the picture. WHILE FIGHTING DEMON HUMANS.

I can’t lie, THIS was the episode I was most excited for even before we got the premiere date. I was excited for the 90s cheesiness. Then we found out Goofy was gonna be in it and I got even more excited. Goofy is one of my faves, especially Dad Goofy. I was expecting it to be balls-to-the-wall insanity nonstop but they got me in the feels too. I want more of this Goofy and Donald. The two of them being single parents who lost someone close to them. Like I said earlier, this episode is in my top 5 for sure.