#scroll past if u dont like reading long blocks of text lol

[popcornaddict500]

man this is partially gonna sound weird as hell but big personal incoherent oc/grief vent down below

there's... something jarring to me abt losing oc ships I've had for SUCH a long time (in regards to being dumped by a close friend whom I had said ships with)

cause its like. these ships had almost become canon in my mind. I thought about them a lot, they were so Real to me.

not to mention the kids those ocs had together cause we literally made those together. designed those ocs together. I can't bear to part with them as painful as it is to keep them

I'm trying to cope but I find myself truly missing them and it's like.... i some weird way I want to find a way to fit this into a scenario. to idk work through the pain?

like like

Olivia waking up from what seemed to be a really long dream.

she had a loving husband and kids and everything. she was happy.

but she wakes up now as though it had never been- because that's kinda how it felt to me

looking around her empty bedroom. no husband, no kids, no proof of the life she had lived.

but it felt so real

it felt so long

but she's the lonely, haunted woman she was. not the happy woman finally finding peace in her family.

and she's not okay about that (neither am I)

same goes for my other ocs who were in ships with this friend. Adam, too. the one oc of mine they claimed was their favourite.

makes me look at him differently, even if slightly.

idk it's weird. those ships meant a lot to me as strange as that may sound. the things me and that friend made together meant so much to me. and I'm still struggling to deal with everything being gone now. what we did is still here, I can still read it, but it's like... it's wrong, now. it doesn't feel right to think of our ocs like that anymore as much as it pains me.

(bigger not oc related text coming in)

I'm not okay about it even though a few weeks have passed since it happened.

I'm still grieving losing someone so dear to me over a small issue that didn't need to happen at all. I was never given a chance to fix anything and it's left me with a ball of feelings I can't express. I couldn't even respond.

I miss talking to them, I miss the oc stuff we talked about, and so many other things...

maybe it sounds trivial to an outsider but the truth is I value my ocs and their ships a lot and when I've had ships for so long with someone I cared about this much it's like... a part of me being ripped away, when they ripped me out of their life, too.

you might've thought that by cutting me out of your life I would only lose being able to talk to you but. it's so much more than that. everything that was influenced by you. everything that i made because of you. everything I had collected in my mind and cherished such as the oc stuff. heck even some of my ocs were influenced by you and now are different for me because of that association. everything that reminds me of you, things I would've sent you if I was still able to talk to you. the stories in my mind of our ocs. everything that made you an important part of my life. it's all still there but now it tastes sour and miserable. tainted if you will. I lost someone I cared for deeply. someone I thought cared for me too. and it didnt even have to go this way but how the fuck was I supposed to know something was wrong when you never told me? why did you never tell me and then bail at the very end?

did our friendship mean so little to you that it was so easy for you to cut me off like I was nothing? I think, surely you must miss me in some way. surely you realize this wasn;t the right or the mature thing to do. surely you cared about me in some shape or form. surely you were happy knowing me and talking to me too. you wouldn't have stuck around for as long as you did otherwise.

before it all happened you said 'I rlly don't want to hurt your feelings'........ and then followed that up by doing. possibly the most hurtful thing you could have. being uncomfortable is one thing but not giving the other a chance at all to fix this supposed issue or even letting me respond to these- rather unfair and shallow claims you made about me is... so cowardly. I had hoped you trusted me.

I don't want to say maybe its better this way cause honestly it doesn't feel that way but. if you were fine treating me this way, someone who was supposedly one of your closest friends, then... maybe you weren't the amazing friend I thought you were.

especially because I would never treat you like this. all I ever did was love you. maybe there's another reason you did not talk to me? maybe you had some issues over on your end that you weren't willing to talk about which resulted in this big breakup? was it worth cutting me out of your life over?

I *seriously* hope you know that what you've done has hurt me in a way nothing has ever hurt me before. and it will continue to do so for a very long time I'm afraid. if you don't know, it's like... how could you do something like this and think I'd be fine? think I wouldn't be wrecked over it? truthfully I don't think I'll ever forget it.

sorry to whatever poor soul is reading this by the way lol, just had to get my emotional vomit out there. this isnt even everything lol

so yeah. emotional pain tuesday anyone?