#self-hating. divisive and reactionary and more easily manipulated. fearful and ashamed and avoidant. afraid of disagreements or of trying | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kindnessoverperfection · 2 years ago

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I've found that, when interacting with others (or myself), it's useful to consider the lessons I'd want to teach a growing child.

If a child makes a mistake, I wouldn't want them to feel shame. I wouldn't yell at them, humiliate them, or in any way indicate to them that their mistake is a reflection of their worth or of who they are as a person.

Instead, I'd want them to associate the process with love and joy. If they say something that hurts someone's feelings, or otherwise ostracizes someone in some way, I'd compassionately explain to them. Ideally, they'd walk away knowing why they said / did it in the first place, how to handle similar situations in the future, and would accept the consequences (e.g. if a friend no longer wanted to hang out with them).

While the consequences may sometimes be painful, I'd do my best to instill in them that mistakes are human and natural, and that the process of learning from these mistakes is an opportunity to improve connections with others and express love.

I have a tendency towards excessive guilt. Memories in which I've said / done something ignorant or hurtful are infused with this guilt and shame- but ideally, I'd feel a sense of love and peace, and perhaps happiness, when looking back on them. Because they were moments of growth, moments I learned how to be more compassionate (even if the actual learning came years later).

So I'll put this out into the void:

When you make a mistake, that is not a reflection of you as a person. It is a moment in time, a moment which was informed by your past experiences. Humans are not static labels, or monsters in an RPG game. We are social creatures who live and learn and react and grow and experience and love. Be gentle with yourself and move forward knowing you're doing so in accordance with your values.

#parenting #internet culture #self compassion #i'd also want to teach them critical thought of course - there are varying ideas of what constitutes mistakes or ignorance or harm #and that's a messy subject which is often a challenge to teach and is beyond the scope of this post but it's important #to avoid being subject to manipulation or becoming reactionary #but anyways #to clarify something in the tags here: it's okay of course to feel bad. that's a normal response. but it's not necessary. and a culture of #shaming people for their mistakes isn't helpful in the same ways it isn't helpful to do that to a child. people become defensive and/or #self-hating. divisive and reactionary and more easily manipulated. fearful and ashamed and avoidant. afraid of disagreements or of trying #anything new. increased all-or-nothing thinking and blowing things out of proportion. it just doesn't help in the long run #sometimes when someone says something i want to express hatred and mockery towards; i think of my trans friend who's full of light and love #and compassion. who came from a smaller more conservative community and used to have some of those same stances (and may still hold some of #those feelings/anxieties). and i remember that i can be firm on my boundaries and spread love and acceptance and safety *without* spewing #vitriol at anyone who makes even a minor mistake. i want people who were impacted by oppression and bias to have space to grow and #find safe communities and be able to think for themselves. i dont want to push them away or be another person in their life screaming at #them. there's always a person behind the screen.#like that doesnt mean i have to interact with them. in fact in most cases it's better to step away. and there are still unsafe people out #there- but yelling at them won't do any good either. saw a tip to focus on the people you want to help rather than the opposition #and that's been super helpful for me

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