#selfie in the middle was literally the point i (once again) remembered im so much better than what ive gone through

[lovesuplex]

recents (spring is bringing me out the house edition!)

[warmau]

Spiderman!AU Mark Lee

au masterlist | no one asked for it, but i wrote it ,,,,,  

there’s something weirdly normal about today

the sun is bright in the sky and the smell of the city is still a mix of strange and unpleasant

the train is late and packed

you barely squeeze out at your stop, your bag snagging on at least three people

but you’re used to all this

used to the hot dog carts, rude businessmen in a rush, cars blasting loud music

and to looking up when you pass time square 

and across the neon signs is his name

our friendly neighborhood spiderman saves over one hundred passengers from derailed train!

you look back down at your phone, skipping the next song till you find one that matches your mood

the crosswalk light turns green and you put your foot forward

the screeching tires are muted but the melody

your eyes situated forward, peripheral vision blocked off

when you feel it

a strong gust, at first you think a tornado has hit you - whirling you up into the air

for a moment you’re suspended - held up by something that defies gravity

your ear phones tugged from your ears, clattering down to the ground below you

out of instinct - you look for something to grip and shut your eyes tightly closed

did a car hit me?

why don’t i feel any pain?

why hasn’t my body dropped yet?

what you end up gripping is the front of something sleek, some sort of elastic kind of fabric

you bunch it up in your fist out of fear and wait for an impact that never really comes

“hey you should open your eyes now”

a voice calls out, slightly young and resounding with concern

you don’t want to open them, you’re scared and confused

what just happened? 

why am i still not touching the ground?

“it’s ok, i caught you before the truck could stop.”

“,,,,im not dead?”

there’s a pause

and then a small chuckle

“how could you be dead if you just answered me?”

you open your eyes faster than you want to, and when you do you let out a tiny yelp

hovering millimeters from your face is spiderman

the spiderman

the mask a vibrant, illuminating red 

you can’t see past it, so you aren’t sure if you’re making eye contact or not 

but you feel your heart squeeze

and then you make the mistake of looking down

the ground is hundreds of feet away, spiderman is latched onto the side of some gigantic building with you in his arms, and sure he’s a superhero and all that

but as used to this height as he is - you are not

so you hide your head back in his chest and if you weren’t petrified 

you might have felt him tense up just a bit

“h-h-how are we going to get down?”

you squeak, shoulders shaking, spidermans one arm wrapped protectively around your waist

“well i was planning on just jumping-”

“JUMPING!”

“it’s ok, it’s ok! im spiderman so i promise we’ll be fine!”

he assures, but you’re not sure how much it calms you down 

because his voice sounds a little panicky too

although that might be because you’re literally quacking in his arms with fear

“c’mon, just trust me ok?”

this time his voice is a bit softer, lower too and you swallow as you shut your eyes again

with them closed, you nod slowly

“ok,,,”

“here, just wrap your arms around my neck tight.”

you’re too scared to let go of the front of his suit, so you do one hand at a time until you’ve got both locked around his neck

you bury your face into the slope and once again you don’t notice how his entire body seems to react

but instead you try to focus on not passing out

“ok, now im just going to -”

“just jump!”

“ok ok!”

you wait, clinging with all your might 

you assume the impact when he jumps will be massive so you start reciting little prayers or whatever just that you can survive this

until finally 

“h-hey you’re kinda choking me”

spiderman mutters and you loosen your grip just a tiny bit

“can you tell me when we’re on the ground?”

“we are?”

your eyes shoot open again and you see that you’re back on the edge of the city sidewalk

there’s a crowd around you, their phones out their flash making you snap back a little into reality

“he saved someone again!”

someone’s voice calls out

“he really is new york’s hero!”

another person chimes in

but you’re still starstruck to say the least to comprehend what has just happened

spiderman doesn’t seem all that phased, he puts a hand out and you look down to see your earphones in his palm

there’s some webbing stuck to them, but you accept them graciously

“th-thank you for - saving me -”

you sort of stutter as you regain yourself and spiderman just shrugs

“no problem. but you really should get going, doesn’t class start in ten minutes?”

oh my god he’s right!

you think as you take a look at your watch and see the time

you buffer for a moment and you want to say thank you again - but spiderman just waves his hand

“i know you’re thankful, but schools important too!”

you give him a tiny bow before you dash off 

the crowd opens up to let you through before focusing in on spiderman again

who brings his hand up to the back of his neck, laughing awkwardly as people shower him in praise and pleadings for a selfie

you’re so caught up in making it to school 

you don’t even question the fact that spiderman knew what time your class started

when you do finally skid to the door of your classroom, huffing and puffing and opening the door right in the middle of attendance

you remember you have no excuse to blurt out

but it’s fine because nearly everyone, including the teacher go

“hey - we saw you got saved by spiderman!”

you’re the talk of your school for the whole day

people showing you the news clips of spiderman swinging in to save you from the oncoming truck

your twitter is full of mentions of you in clips of that video and the video taken after he’d safely gotten you back to the ground

in all of them, you notice that spiderman’s not as tall nor does he sound how you expected him too

actually,,,,,you start getting the feeling he’s pretty familiar

like he could have been your classmate at some point

but there’s no way - you would obviously know if you went to school with a person who had superpowers

“enough about spiderman guys, who are you guys asking to prom?”

you look up and see your friend is back at it again

with her faraway gaze as she tilts her hand against her cheek

“i’d love to ask donghyuck but ,,,,, he’d never say yes.”

your other friends chime in about their prospective picks but you just shrug

“im on the prom planning committee so i won’t even be able to have fun. i have to make sure no one spikes the punch according to doyoung.”

“i think you should ask mark lee.”

“yeah, isn’t he on the committee with you?”

all your friends lean in as you feel the skin on your cheeks burn 

“w-what, why?”

“because it’s obvvvvvvious he’s into you!”

you shake your head, pushing your lunch tray away 

“you guys know that’s not true, anyway i should go find him -”

“to ask him to prom?!?!”

your friends look up at you with sparkles in their eyes and you just huff

“no. to see how the decorations are coming.”

they groan, but you roll your eyes and escape before they can keep pestering you

once you’re in the halls, you mutter to yourself to calm down

mark lee’s been in the same class as you since middle school

you don’t know if you’re friends or anything, but you’re polite to each other 

and the only reason your friends tease about him crushing on you is because last semester you’d gotten a love letter on valentines day

which everyone assumed came from mark

but knowing him for so long - you couldn’t ever imagine mark lee of all people doing something so ,,,, corny

he is cute though, ever since he had that growth spurt and dyed his hair blonde much to everyone's shock

you think, but are cut off when your phone buzzes in your pocket

it’s another twitter mention 

this time someone has @’d you in the clip of spiderman jumping down from the building with you in his arms

the person asks ‘hey, how does it feel to be hugged by spiderman? i bet he’s a great cuddler T__T’

you take a second and remember the way you’d tucked your head into the crook of his neck, his hand had been around your waist - tight and secure

he was definitely strong, but his grip had managed to still be soft and caring

you were shaking badly, but he had kept you close

you want to think of a reply,,,,but the memory suddenly gives you this warm feeling and -

“oh good, there you are”

doyoung’s voice breaks through your thoughts

“i need you to come with me. also put your phone away, it’s against the rules to have it out during school.”

you obey, too scared to know what will happen if you don’t and follow him toward the gym

which is slowly going through the process of being turned into a dance floor

mark is there, tangled up in a large banner, ribbons, and glitter all over his fingertips

donghyuck is looking at him half amused, half annoyed

and you hold back the urge to giggle as doyoung ushers you over toward them

“we need to finish this banner by the end of lunch - and these two can’t seem to do anything so please - save them.”

mark gives you a slightly lopsided smile and donghyuck puts his hands on his hips

“how do you expect it to get done so fast, it’s not my fault mark came late!”

you blink

mark was late too?

doyoung crosses his arms, eyes narrowing

“well there’s three of you now. figure it out.”

donghyuck looks exasperated as you turn to mark and jokingly ask if he also almost got hit by a truck and got saved by spiderman?

he shyly looks down

“y-yeah something like that.”

you giggle at his response and turn your attention to the banner

oblivious to mark’s tiny nervous swallow

by the grace of some higher power, or maybe just the intensity of doyoung’s stare

you three finish a semi-acceptable ‘welcome to prom’ banner 

doyoung gives a nod of approval and you all sigh with relief

you and mark both have science next, so you walk out of the gym together 

“we barely escaped with our lives back there!”

“how does it feel having two near death experiences in a day?”

mark grins and you roll your eyes

“i mean the first one wasn’t as scary as facing doyoung right now.”

you both share a laugh, you close your eyes - bringing your hand up to cover your mouth as you giggle

when for the second time 

you don’t see it

the skidding skateboard wheels, the last second “oh shi- watch out!”

but mark reacts fast, he reaches out for you 

his hands pulling you into his chest as he steps back against the lockers

the kid skids by on his board, tilting only slightly as he goes tumbling off of it

doyoung, sensing something is amiss, bursts out of the gym and barrels down the hall after him

but you

you’re shocked frozen

yes because you almost got hit by some idiot on his skateboard, but more than that

mark’s hands around you - 

it feels just like spiderman’s hold ,,,,,,,

but there’s no way, so you abandon the thought and instead try to steady yourself a bit 

when his hands drop from around you and his face flushes bright pink

“so-sorry i just wanted to make sure you didn’t get hit-”

“oh no thank you so much i - i -”

you’re both stuttering messes, unsure of what to say or where to look

your saving grace is doyoung charging back up the hall with the guy by the ear

forcing him to apologize to you before dragging him off to the principal

you look over your shoulder, but mark is gone already 

the spot where he’d held you tingles slightly, you don’t see the spider web on the locker when you pass by it after

the days countdown to prom - everyday is more working in the gym under doyoung’s supervision

and by the end of it, your encounter with spiderman is forgotten by everyone else because he saves someone else and that becomes viral instead

but you don’t forget, really you don’t think you’ll ever forget

not after laying in bed and trying to recall any detail from it

i looked at him, i was so close to him, and yet - i still don’t know who he is. no one knows,,,,,

when the night of prom finally comes around and all your friends are gushing in your room over their outfits and their dates

you stare down at your phone, the video of you and spiderman playing again

one of your friends plucks it from your hands

“hey-”

“listen, you can’t take spiderman to prom so are you going to ask mark or not?”

you snatch your phone back and stand up

“i told you guys, i can’t ask him or anyone. im going to be helping doyoung the whole night.”

none of your friends buy it, but when you all finally show up to the gym 

they disperse to their dates and to the snacks

and you are, as usually, found by doyoung and situated by the punch bowl

before he turns to go police someone else you ask tentatively, “where is mark?”

doyoung checks his watch and clicks his tongue

“good question. i’ll go find him.”

in between keeping an eye on the drinks and watching everyone dance, you kind of feel a pang of loneliness

your friends are all off having fun

and maybe, even though you’d acted like it didn’t really matter, you would have liked to partake in the prom

at least one dance would be nice

but you just sigh, and hand another cup to a giggling couple 

before

“hey, sorry i just got here!”

mark’s voice makes the dullness around you suddenly fade

he fiddles with his tie and asks if he’s doing it right

you shake your head and then motion for him to let you help

he leans over the table and as your hands work 

you secretly remember your friends teasing

“just ask mark! he totally likes you! and you two would be really cute for one and other!”

the thought makes you embarrassed so you hang your head a little and mark makes a noise of confusion

you finish his tie and he thanks you as he let’s you know he’s going to go get his assignment from doyoung

you watch his back disappear through the crowd

the dress pants, collard shirt and black vest all make him look different than how you’ve seen him in the past couple of years

as that young, naive and coy kid

not the person he is now - broad shouldered and ,,,,, handsome

you look down, noticing that near the punch bowl there’s a corsage

mark must have left it,,,,,i didn’t know he had a date,,,

you pick it up, telling yourself not to listen to the painful feeling in the pit of your stomach 

as you rush after mark to return it

you see him walk through the back of the gym doors

which is weird, because you’re pretty sure you spot doyoung over by the bleachers

but you follow him anyway

and when you open the door you see an empty hallway 

“where did he go?”

you venture down the hall, pushing past the doors that lead out into the parking lot 

where you see one vague figure, outlined only by the shine from the moon

“mark?”

you call out, squinting in the darkness 

and then - as if reacting to your voice, the lights of one of the cars starts up and illuminates the silhouette

spiderman? again?!?!?!?!

you don’t believe it - but there he is

the iconic suit, the familair mask you looked right up into when he saved you from that truck

what is spiderman doing here??

you open your mouth, agape with shock

when suddenly he tilts his head up, putting his hand and shooting a web out toward the top of the school building

“w-wait-”

you find your voice and his head snaps toward you

“wait - spiderman - i don’t know if you remember me but i -”

you step closer and closer and that’s when you see

the mask isn’t fully covering his face

instead it’s pulled only over his eyes and everything below his nose is exposed

his lips,,,,,,they look like - you think hard and then remember the incident in the hall

how mark had pulled you in close

holding you against him and when you’d broken away to thank him

those same lips had stuttered a bit

wait - if mark ran out here, and spiderman is the one who showed up instead that means

“mark lee ,,,, you’re spiderman?!?!?!”

“how did you - i mean - i mean -”

he sort of chews on his own words, and you drop the corsage in your hand from pure shock

“oh my god you are!”

before the corsage can hit the ground, spiderman - or should you say mark

shoots a web out to catch it

he pulls it back into his palm and then nervously offers it to you

“oh, no i think you left it at th-”

“it’s for you.”

“f-for me?”

he nods, and you both jump when the sound of the back door opens again

at lightening speed, mark ropes you up in his arms and swings himself back up onto the school roof

it happens so fast that you aren’t even able to grasp your amazement

and you and mark look down to see the top of doyoung’s head

“did those two run off!”

he exclaims before heading back inside

you turn and while mark is momentarily distracted, you tug the mask just a bit more up

exposing exactly who you thought it would be underneath it

mark’s blush is barely visible, but his dark doe eyes are wide and his mouth is parted slightly

“i - i can explain-”

“so you saved me from the truck?”

“yes - i mean yeah, i mean -”

you look down into your hands at the corsage

“and you got me this?”

“i ,,, yeah - i mean i ,,,, i wanted to ask you before - i ,,,, ok wait how did you know i was spiderman?”

“mark lee”

he blinks, poor boy confused out of his wits

“yeah?”

“i don’t think i ever properly thanked you for saving me.”

“well i ,,, it’s fine it’s my job -”

“and i need to thank you for this corsage so -”

you really don’t know what overcomes you

maybe it’s the excitement at the fact that mark lee is spiderman 

or that mark lee has probably harbored a crush on you for a while

or maybe just that mark lee is cute

has always been cute

and you’ve always known it

so you lean in and press your lips to his cheek - the rolled up mask presses against your skin

and mark seems to just go still

until you pull back and he suddenly goes 

“wait,,,,let’s try it again”

you raise an eyebrow and want to ask what he means, but this time he pulls the whole mask off

and turns to you 

“could you,,,um,,,,uh close your eyes,,,,”

his voice shakes and it makes your heart do a little stir

nodding, you let them flutter shut as you feel mark’s hand on yours 

suddenly you hear him opening the corsage, before slipping the band around your wrist and then

he’s pressing his hand to your cheek and kissing you on the lips

with such a softness ,,,, that you did not expect from spiderman

when he breaks away from you, you pout 

“again?”

you hear him chuckle

“i want too,,,but i actually have to go save some people and stuff. can i kiss you when i come back?”

you open your eyes and he looks so sincere as he asks

“of course”

he does a little fist bump into the air and it makes you laugh

a warmth overflowing the two of you

“oh but also, can you tell doyoung i got sick or something?”

“you’re asking me to cover for you spiderman?”

mark clasps his hands together and pleads

“of course i will, just leave it to me.”

he thanks you, pulling the mask back on and then taking your hand in his one last time 

“see you when i get back, make sure to keep one dance for me.”

“don’t worry about me, just go an do your thing mark! i mean ,,,, spiderman!”

you feel him squeeze your hand, pull you into his arms for a hug and you can’t believe it but 

it’s the same feeling

the same tight, protective grip

mark lee, your friendly neighborhood spiderman and maybe also your boyfriend now hehe?

[boymeetsweevil]

BTS as (weird) babies in your daycare

Kim Seokjin

The oldest of the bunch

brings two designer brand lunchboxes in to school

his lunches cost more than yours do

he eats all his food and then will go around the lunch table asking the others for small bites of their meal and they usually give in to him because he shouts “but we’re BROTHERS >:O” if they say no the first time around

the one that likes to take you by the hand while you’re in the middle of paperwork or something and bring you to see that castle he was working on

you compliment him on it and then you’re dismissed like:

“Wow jin that’s a great castle you did a great job stacking the blocks”

“Thank you teacher can you leave now?”

And you go back to your paperwork feeling kind of small before you remember that you are more than a decade older than the tiny child that sent you away

not the bossiest child (that’s jimin) but is a close second

is the most catalogue looking child you’ve ever seen

when you’re bored in the classroom during naptime and you play with your phone, he’s the one who only slept for 20 minutes

he then proceeds to come over and sit in your lap for a chance to play with your phone

You open up snapchat and play with the filters with him in the dimmed playroom and listen to his little chime-like giggles

his selfies are 80x cuter than yours before the filters and when the little dog ears come out to play you have no chance

Always brags about his older brother being able to use shoes “with no velcRO and long LONG lOng stringlaces” (=shoelaces)

hoseok always yells back that there’s no such thing as shoes without velcro “unless youre a growned-up and your hyung isn’t a growned-up i saw him at the park hes just a kid too!!”

Always brings in crafts that he made with his au pair for the class

currently has an obsession with hearts so he has been bringing in crudely cut heart shaped cut outs with scribbly stick figures on them

everyone got one, even you

he also made sure to draw himself into everyone’s heart as well

in the one he made for you its clear he drew himself first because he’s normal sized and you’re gigantic and bending horrifically around the edge of the heart because he didn’t plan the spacing well 

Also brings in the best group snacks when its a holiday or his birthday

cries when you tell him its not okay to sit on the other boys when they bother him

Always wants to be your helper and repeat what you just said to the class like he’s your assistant he is SUCH a teacher’s pet

“can i be teacher jinnie?”

“ummmmmm...not right now, maybe later okay?”

“oh...When im bigger???”

“uh Yes! when youre bigger”

“okay....Teacher im bigger now”

gives you wet cheek kisses :’)

He has the CUTEST laugh and when he laughs you laugh because its one of those rolling baby laughs that just doesn’t stop and you find yourself chasing him around the playroom to hear his giggle even though your feet hurt

drinks more milk than anyone in the class

as a result he has the NASTIEST farts

Min Yoongi

The one who has been coming the longest but still takes a good 45 minutes to stop sulking after being dropped off before he’s in the mood to play

will legit stand by the window to watch his mom drop him off every fucking morning like he doesn’t know where she’s going and if she’s coming back

when you come over to see if he’ll play with the other kids, he just turns and pouts at you and whines a little and turns back to the window

When he’s not in a funk though he is the most mature kiddo

Plays the best by himself, and is very simply entertained

brought in some homemade maracas for his show and tell day

it was literally just a recycled cardboard container with dried beans in it that he had scribbled all over with 40 different markers

keeps calling it “makaka”, you try not to laugh you fail

he just sat on the edge of the rug in the playroom and shook the box of beans softly to himself for an hour

when the shaking stopped you came over to see if he was alright and you realize he fell asleep

is surprisingly chatty

probably has the best vocabulary or is tied with joon

but also probably ahead of joon in terms of working vocab because while joon knows how to use “extraordinary” he also can’t grasp what the slide is called and yoongi has him beat there

ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP first

sometimes will ask if he can start nap time early and drags the pillow and blanket the parents bring in from home up to your desk to make a more convincing argument

is always patient zero and gets fevers really easliy

when that happens you have to carry him around while you putter through the classroom and rub his back while he sleeps it off

you have to shush the other kids while he sleeps because theyre always so loud when they ask “Is Yoongi SICK???? :(”

he sleeps in your lap during nap time on those days and you stroke his fat fever-rosy cheeks when he whines in his sleep from the heat

cries whenever taehyung says his drawings are ugly

but they are, especially if he draws you 

theres always this weird expression on your face and sometimes you think about it when youre up late at night and then you cant sleep

is full of full facts about insects because his dad reads about them before bed

and is apparently always at the library

you saw him there once and he almost exploded because what are you doing outside the school

“teacher what are you going here”

“i came to get some books just like you”

“but i thought you couldn’t leave the school”

“i can leave the school...”

“wont you get a time out?”

“um no sweetie”

Yoongi has a huge sweet tooth and gets super excited on fridays when his mom packs him like chocolate milk or something 

can never open the little carton so he brings it to you and just vibrate next to you until you poke the straw in

pretty sure you saw his eyes roll into the back of his head once while drinking it

has fallen asleep with the carton in his hands on multiple occasions

HAS THE SWEETEST BABY LISP YOU’VE EVER HEARD

when you bring your guitar in for music days he sits at the front and listens SUPER intently and always tries to come over and touch it while you’re playing so have to be like

“yoongi, sweetie, please sit down”

“um okay. teacher ? im gonna play the giddar too okay?”

“while I’m playing it?”

“Yeah :)”

“no yoongi.”

“Okay...teacher?” REPEAT 1-6

Jung Hoseok

This kid is all over the place oh my god

srsly he is always tripping on shit because he is always running

and his jeans are a little too long because they're hand me downs from his sister and he refuses to let his dad put a belt on him in the morning

loves to hold hands but his hands are always so so so sticky

like wtf

he will want to hold your hand during walking field trips and you want to just yank your hand away and wipe it on your jeans and douse it in hot water but you don’t because he loves to hold hands and his hand is small and soft and warm and you don’t want to hurt his feelings :’(

you compromise by helping him when he’s at the sink and make sure he uses soap

probably the one who won’t stop putting his hands down his pullups

not in a weird way but in that way where kids will develop some weird habit/quirk that they do on autopilot for comfort

He probably tests your patience the most because is also: THE LOUDEST

he is that kid that screams bloody fucking murder when you turn the lights off for naptime,  every day :)

but not to be funny because he’s scared of the dark

he was originally placed somewhere else but he kept getting up in the middle of nap time to drag his blanket and pillow over to you to sleep nearby

when you asked him what he was doing he said that he sleeps near his big sister when he gets scared and you have to bite your knuckle not to cry when you realize he counts you too

Speaking of big sister, dawon goes to the day care for older kids on the floor above ur classroom

sometimes the teacher upstairs will let her come down to say hi

she stands by the doorway and watches him play with stuffed animals for a few minutes before going “hooooooobiiiiiiiiiii” and he drops everything to run over and she pets his hair and asks if he’s being good in that way where you can tell kids are parroting some random adult 

tbh this is your least favorite time of the day because he always wails because she can’t stay but he really misses his big sis and makes you tear up a little too

Sometimes another teacher will come in for “Body Time” and does yoga stretches with the kids

hobi is such a whiz at body time and always does the stretches with a surprising amount of control

its probably his second favorite thing next to running in literal circles in the tall grass during outside time in the spring

He’s a bit of a perfectionist because if you move his dominoes out of the little rows he made, even by just a fraction of a millimeter he. will. lose it.

Also won’t eat food that touches or crusts of bread or fruit skins

but he will eat orange slices without fail as long as you “make them into pieces first teacher :’(”

always gets stung by bees?????

because: yoongi likes bees a lot, he thinks theyre cute and interesting and he always takes hoseok by the hand to the nearest hive to tell him facts and point at things with a pudgy finger

but you’ve told the kids time and time again not to go near beehives but yoongi loves bees too much and hobi startles easily and either jostles the hive or pisses off a nearby bee

Kim Namjoon

Is the only one that can read

you were super shocked when you came over to him one day looking intensely at a book and he was confused and you were like

“what’s the matter, joonie”

“i can’t find the kittens in the picture”

“What kittens” and you read the little blurb on the page and see the word mittens and you’re like oh shit he can kinda read

so now you make sure he reads a different book from the bookshelf each day

jimin is always demanding to be read to and joon is happy to do it even when jimin switches pages on him in the middle of the book or asks to start over or start another book

Has those little baby glasses that tie behind his head so he can see

he always drops them though because he fiddles with the tie in the back and they get too loose throughout the day

He’s one of the more affectionate kids in class and will cling to your leg when he’s having a rough day

doesn’t want you to pick him up unless you’re sitting because he’s scared of heights

will sit on your lap any time its free though

often competes for lap space with kookie and often loses because kookie runs faster or joon will fall because this is joon we’re talking about

hes a good sport about it and stands next to you and asks kookie when his turn is next very sweetly

No surprise but namjoonie is always falling

but he never gets majorly hurt

maybe he scrapes a knee or a hand or something minor

he doesn’t cry much either hes a tough cookie!!

he’ll tell you a fact about prehistoric jellyfish with a wavering voice and watery eyes while you put his bandaid on

Baby Joon LOVES LVOES LVOES apple sauce

he cannot get enough of it and MANY of the stains on his little cords (his favorite clothing item) are apple sauce stains

Namjoon is sadly that kid that will eat anything though so you’re constantly watching him to make sure he doesn’t eat anything deadly

when he’s being too quiet or still in the corner of your vision you walk up quietly behind him and just stick a hand out and he spits whatever it is into the napkin in your palm with a goofy smile

eats his boogers probly :(

Joons mom always brings little treats for you because she was worreid that he would be bullied or isolated when she first enrolled him in the class but he’s doing well and she’s glad for the atmosphere you’ve set up

sometimes she sends him in with your treat if she’s too busy in the morning so he’ll totter in with his glasses and what looks like some homemade cake and your can’t help but scoop him up and plant a kiss on his cheek and tell him to tell his mom thank you

his best friend is probably jin because jin knows the alphabet and appreciates namjoon’s knowledge

jin helps joon get over his fear of the swings, but he’s still scared of heights i assure you he will start to wail if you take his feet too high off the ground

cries when he spills his apple sauce which is often but he always has a spare

 but! you’re not sure if his mom packs it because he loves it so much or because he’s bound to drop one

Park Jimin

When he first came in to school you gasped because those cheeks were a gift from above and the little always-there pout was so cute

he lives for praise, he is such a ham and he loves the way the old ladies at the front desk always try to bribe him with candy for a cheek pinch

he’s a shrewd little business man and won’t let anyone touch his cheeks for less than 2 soft caramels

Park Jimin is as bossy as they come

but everyone in the classroom has no problem with it except maybe you sometimes

he is always going “Teacher! Come here!” from somewhere in the room and you always have to go “You want to try that again, Park Jimin?” and he goes “Teacher! PWEASE come here!” and ur like...ok

Fairly independent

his dad assured you he knows how to cut with regular scissors but jimin continues to use the kiddie scissors and then act like he can’t do it and blink up at you for help

he just wants you to watch him do it

can also put on his own snowsuit without help but still wants you to do it for him because he LIVES for the personal attention

Is a tiny bit violent?

will yell really loud if you take his truck or his dino dolly

or if you make him try to take off his favorite faux cowhide sweater when its time to paint

never hits/kicks/bites tho

the one time it looked like he might hit jungkook you were there in an instant to pull him away and give him a calm and quiet but stern lecture about why his hands are not for hitting or hurting

he had frustrated tears welling up in his eyes when you brought him back to JK and had him use his words

“Kookie, I dont like when you take my toys when im still playin wif dem”

JK: *is preverbal*

and you pry the toy out of jungkook’s freakishly strong baby grip and return it to jk

Jimin’s best friend is probably tae

their moms are friends and they regularly have play dates at each other’s houses

sometimes they come in together in the mornings if one mom is busier than the other

they sleep next to each other during nap time

Chim cries when he can’t sit next to tae during snack time

Has a very adult palate for a baby

i.e. he loves vegetables

is kind of nosy and will come over to your desk when you open your lunch bag and ask to see the vegetables

you make sure to always pack a veggie because the one time you didn’t his eyes widened and he said “mama says you die if you dont eat no veg-ables”

asks if everything is a “veg-able”

jimin: *points to sandwich* veg-able?

you: no

jimin: *points to kimbap/turkey leg/piece of cake/bag of chips/an apple* veg-able?

you:....no

if you did bring a veggie that he doesn’t already have in his lunch, he’ll ask for a bite

normally you have to tell kids no when they ask for your food because you’d end up with everyone asking for a bite and no lunch, but no one else likes veggies in the class. 

so sometimes you slip a sliced cucumber to him and he holds it in two hands and runs back to his spot to eat it and then comes back like an outdoor cat looking for more food

Has a lovely singing voice

its high and pretty, kind of angelic and he tells you that he sings for his grandma a lot

you praise his singing so naturally he loves music day too and if you sing a song he sings with his mom at home he gets so excited

yoongi is enthralled when jimin knows the words to a “teacher song” before its been taught to the class

Kim Taehyung

idk why this is so pertinent to my idealization of him as a child BUT: Has the biggest head out of anyone in the classroom sorry

is so so so cute, might even be your favorite..

he’s super agreeable

loves to cuddle, eat all his food in his little stackable lunch containers, naps well, plays nicely with others, listens pretty well

BUT

he always pees himself :(

and you don’t understand it because his dad came in and bragged about how much of a big boi his son is at home in the bathroom using the toilet but at school? NOPE

he has like 8 changes on clothes for this reason

you can always tells when he’s about to pee himself because

he stands in the middle of the room and just goes “sorry teacher” really softly

your heart breaks when you hear how sad he is that he wet himself but you’re also a little irate because you’re convinced no one deals with as much pee as you do

you give him the talk every time which consists of your wriggling him into some ridiculous pink overalls while trying to make eye contact with him so you can tell him that when he feels like he has to go, he can just go to the potty

Tae carries a blanket around at all times!!!!!

he takes it everywhere with him and uses a different one to cover him up during nap time.

cries on the days that his dad drops him off without it because it has to be washed

the blanket was purple at one point but now it is straight up grey-brown

is surprisingly good at walking/running with it and not tripping on it

Jimin  started calling him tata

so now everyone calls him tata

Is probably the class sweetheart as well

when he’s out sick, literally everyone goes “where’s tata” at random times of the day even though you went over who was “at school” and who was “at home” and said he was at home

tae is so so so so good at drawing its crazy

hes way above his age grade in terms of drawing BUT he has a little trouble getting a pencil into his grip 

so you have to help him finagle it into his little hand but once he does WOOO here comes a dragon with you on its back holding a big ol sword

Is that one kid who manages to run around naked the most

its probably because you’re always in the middle of changing him when someone else distracts you and you turn around and all of the sudden he’s naked as the day he was born from the belly button and waddling back to where jimin is playing with flubber on the rug

you have to run over and scoop him up but also hold him at arms length because hello? pee?

he thinks this is hilarious and flaps his arms like hes flying

Everyone kisses tae

like when the kids get to that stage where they all try to kiss each other because their parents probably kiss them and they're like imitating their parents

everyone goes for tae

he takes it like a champ

but his face is probably v sticky after wards so you pull him over and take a wet wipe to his face

might ask you for a kiss and you place one on his LARGE forehead lol

His grandma comes in often with dolls she made for the class

tae shows them off proudly during his show and tell days and makes sure everyone plays nicely with them or theyll break because theyre normally made from soft yarn

He has a major thing for stickers and is always asking you for stickers to adorn his whole body with 

you are constantly telling him to take stickers off his face and sometimes he puts them on his eyebrow and you sigh because crying is inevitable at that point

you have limited him to 3 stickers on any given day and they go on a piece of paper labeled “Taehyung’s Tata’s stickers”

was mad when you tried to write his full name on the paper because he is tata at school >: (

Jeon Jungkook

the youngest! a true baby

when he first came to the classroom he was right in the middle in terms of age so like he technically aged out of the nursery down the hall but he wasn’t at the normal age minimum to enter your classroom and you were like Ummmmm i guess he can come? because you didn’t have very many kids so what’s one more right?

Started walking and running in the same day during his first week at the classroom!!!

you were worried he’d be too small to keep up with the other kids and might be hurt with their type of play but nope

he was constantly crawling after them trying to keep up until one day he just...stood up and you were like omg and pulled your phone up

when his parents came to pick him up you showed them the video and his dad cried

Now he’s the fastest runner in the class

he doesn’t really talk yet

hes still preverbal but you can tell he gets whats going on around him

the others are good about it

although you did have to have a day where you addressed the question they kept asking you

“Why doesn’t kookie have words?”

“he’s too little. but he’ll talk when he’s ready”

it was a short talk

He knows two words

no and something that is the approximation of hyung but you’re not certain

if he wants your specific attention he just goes “AH” really loud

says no to everything even when he means yes

this means that when you ask him if he wants to eat snack he says no and then cries when you put his lunchbox away thinking he may actually not be hungry

despite being the best at toddling, he always wants to picked up

he is such a teacher’s pet its crazy

its probably the one piece of evidence that he is the least mature of the group

and also because he misses the presence of his mom

he will settle for sitting in your lap when you’re at your desk

or when you’re trying to read to the group during “carpet reading time”

he will try to turn the pages for you but it took him a while to realize you weren’t always done reading when he turned a page and you’d have to fight him to turn the page back so you could finish

now he waits for you to say “you can turn the page now kook”

He is so so so shy omg

if a teacher from another classroom comes by to borrow something, they naturally try to come over and say hi to the one kid who you’re carrying on your hip or sitting in your lap and he just turns and smushes his face into your armpit until he suspects they’ve left

he does, however, have a weird obsession with the handyman that comes in to repair that one tricky light in the back of the art closet

kook will stare at him until he leaves and its cute because he’ll leave your lap or whine to be put down and toddle over to watch him work from a “reasonable distance”

the repairman is kind of gruff looking but he always turns and spots kook watching him like 8^O and will snort

one time he handed kook a rubber band that he had in his breast pocket and kook kept it clutched in his little hand all day

actually waves goodbye when he leaves its so precious

Kook is very sensitive to touch and stuff

so in the winter when he has to wear layers he cries a lot if the t-shirt under his sweater bunches up the wrong way

like he’s so finicky about tactile stuff

he can’t have bare feet ever

wears slippers all year, even in the summer

also cries if the classroom gets too loud and covers his ears

you think maybe he may have some sort of sensory sensitivity

won’t eat the bananas in his lunch unless you mash them with a fork for him

cried when you cut open a pumpkin to show the kids the seeds inside and later roast them because the smell was too strong for him

you had to put a tiny face mask on him to get him to calm down and he resembled a ninja turtle the whole day

He loves hobi very much and is always super giggly when hobi pays extra attention to him

always follows him around and is constantly bumping his nose on hobi’s back because he follows him THAT CLOSELY

always fights with jin

meaning he constantly swipes toys out of his hands and then sometimes gets sat on as punishment and cries until you heft jin off him

you don’t know why they always fight

is so good at hidden item picture books like Ispy

you will zoom through them because he finds everything immediately and you wonder if maybe hes a genius

you had a hunch one day and put him down in front of a 400 piece puzzle and he did a surprisingly good chunk of it in the span of the school day and went straight to it the next day

I was trying so hard to write this and couldnt think of anything and then i remembered yesterday that my friemd Worked in a daycare for the last three years??? so a lot of this is real life stuff which is funny but also really extra

all pics are from weheartit...

[stephhannes]

dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants. 

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’). 

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible. 

and it was exhausting. 

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured. 

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.” 

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby” 

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back. 

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted. 

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever. 

and then we’re back at february 2021. 

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years. 

++

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do. 

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great! 

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities. 

++

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit” 

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something. 

++

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience. 

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability. 

++

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help. 

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable” 

++

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies. 

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying. 

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day). 

++

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable. 

[persional]

im only getting drunker and im outta content so im gonna write a post for sober me to stumble upon one fateful day and the post is gonna be about laurel i really miss them and i dont know where we stand at all im really bad at casual unlabeled things i was bad at polyamory im bad at it ! i realized recently we had 2 first kisses and they called the 2nd one “the real one” im in l*ve maybe not really but i keep thinking i think bc it’s conditioned in me i don’t like the time before you get to say i love you why cant i just tell everyone i love them all the time except like friends that im not that close to who will just say it like thats not ideal. they said and then repeated that they want to see me as soon as they get back and it’s like that reassurance i keep coming back to and i hate being the one to always text back but most of it is im fucking bored theres like 3 people left here who will voluntarily hang out with me. im so glad i dont lie that takes so much of the weight off of my social interactions to just be like yeah im gonna tell the truth rn. the first time we had s*x laurel said promise me one thing just promise me you won’t break me into a billion tiny pieces just promise me you won’t lie to me. and i was like i have some extremely good news for you because i only ever lie to myself. i like them a lot. a Lot. kissing them feels like being on a roller coaster which i know because i went on a roller coaster a few weeks ago and as we started to freefall i thought this is exactly what it feels like to kiss laurel. i feel like their name shouldn’t be capitalized so that way the beginning can be the same as the end like a marble rolling around in your mouth that starts and then ends right on the tip of the tongue even though technically one is a light L and the other is a dark /l/. im drinking my last four loko tonight and hoping to get schwasted and hoping to stop needing to drink in order to go to sleep soon. not my last of all time i should clarify just the last one we have in the fridge. savannah gets back on tuesday late night on tuesday and laurel gets back at some point on wednesday im not sure what time and im afraid to ask i think i’ll ask just a day or two before so there’s kind of... because savannah and i are planning to hang out a lot that day and also to get dinner with savannah’s cousins and although i dont think it would be the end of the world if i left in the middle of dinner it obviously won’t be ideal. im listening to my cancer season playlist and honestly it’s really good. i really don’t want to eat this apple pie i’d rather just have another quesadilla or better yet some fried rice. i guess i could microwave more peanut noodles but i kind of hate those at this point like theyre a little disgusting no ? i started writing this post bc i saw a post about someone’s favorite thing about girls they said it was ‘the way they stroke you’ and i thought about us holding hands and holding each other and their freckles and the coconut oil on their face and how their eyes are brown in the center and green on the edges  and how i don’ t deserve any of it im not sure if we’re anything close to dating but i still strongly contest savannah’s assertion that she thinks it’s just physical theyve said ‘i really like you (too)’ they said ‘i romanticize you’ they came to me house after i made that song, that song got me laid and i think about that all the time and it’s not like we always have sex sometimes we just sleep together in the same bed and i feel so real with them it’s so hard to feel like im not just slipping into the version of myself that somebody wants me to be and i realized after a year with adrianne i realized there are parts of myself that i’m putting on which aren’t parts of me at all there are parts of me! there is a height to the frequency to my voice! there is a demureness because she wants a woman and i can’t be butch and hers at the same time but i don’t feel like that now and im trying really hard to be real and i hope theyre doing the same i hope theyre not... once they came over with another friend after a party and once our friend left and we were kissing on the couch they started crying and i just wanted them to feel safe it’s so rare that someone is crying and you actually get to hold them. they were crying and im thinking about duck butter now because it’s usually me who isn’t real even if im not lying im not being myself and this time it’s not me so it can only be them and i never know how they feel or what they’re thinking and they’ll say something like uh yeah i like you or they’ll kiss me, once i was kissing them goodbye as i left their house and their housemate saw us it was so funny and also the first time anyone else has seen us kiss idk im not sure where we stand i asked about it probably too early when we were high i said what is this what are we doing and they said i don��t know but i like it. so like i really don’t know and i gave them a chance and i don’t know what to do like maybe they really think it is just a physical thing and they feel roped in but there have been times when they said things that absolutely were not required and i was like oh Hm? im just trying to be fucking real but theyre not great at communicating,, fucking air signs am i rite, theyre a gemini and i think about that all the time how ive dated 2 pisces and 2 leos, we don’t know each other which savannah has pointed out and the thing is im sure savannah is like just concerned for me but it comes off as if she’s not supportive of the relationship at all and im worried that shes jealous idk i know there are a lot of people who like laurel bc uhhh theyre hot and incredible and smart and hilarious and. everything god theyre such gf material. im so alone rn no one will even fav mine tweets. im a huge fan of the improv comedy team at our school, they recently changed their name to princess wolfpipe which is objectively a bad name but before it was fellatio rodriguez yeah porn bots get at me, anyway they didnt like that it was like 5 whiteys with the name rodriguez attached to it which is fair like very woke very reed of you sure. hhhhhhhhhh i just remembered they read my anthro essay and like.,, had sex with me After that. god. hell. wow. i must not be that bad at essays after all even the ones i half-ass. chrome is underlining so many of the words in this post little do they know im a linguist and a literature major. anyway i think i could be drunk enough now to admit ive not eaten pussy in like a week and it is in fact wearing on me at this point like im literally that tweet about the person stirring som e mac n cheese and passing out but it’s been honestly a week if that they left on the 3rd right so ya 8 days. ok i feel less bad about that bc i also definitely hadnt **ten them **t like that day i dont think we had rly like giggly sex at their house i think the night before and i drove them to work early in the morning and theyre so nice to me they know to wake me up with kisses which is so important bc im so... im so fucked i like them so much but im also just a fucked up person and i dont deserve thme. i should get alcohol prescribed for me. for sleep. and social anxiety. made a tweet about it, deleted it. made a quesadille! ated it !, imagine if i didnt eat so much especially while drunk. my body wants me to be huge but i want to be dead i want to be nothing. words are so bad whoever invented words im sure theyre dead they shoul be revived and shot again. ok so im eve drunker now and i’d like to say i want to hear them come again honestly i want to literally put my tongue insid eof them and hear them say my name i want to hold the folds of skin around their hips i want to hear them gasp i want to taste them i want everything i want to stroke their hands and kiss their fingers and their forehead i miss them so much i hate being physically far from everyone i love i want to sleep in their bed i want to fall asleep with our arms wrapped around one another unless i have to turn away and they understand adrianne never understood. i want them i really hope they still like me it would be so fucking sad for the chemistry to only go this way likea reaction that only goes inreverse so we’re left in the end with these raw materials like. like oil and water that can never relaly combine? like two molecules that can only lie next to one another but will always spring apart. i love their house i love their housemates i love the way they offered to make a powerpoint about food waste i love their goat milk and asiago cheese and cabbage pancakes fried rice i love the face they make when i run my fingernails over their scalp i love their voice i love their favorite shirt because it’s several sizes too big and all their clothes are black im not as much of who i am as they are and im not sure i ever will be because it’s willpower and money and i need to find other things in my life to want other than people who will always leave because literature tells us desire is always more than we think it will be and we will always be creating these overexaggerated versions of what ife will really be i need to finish proust i need to make somebody come i need to see their mouth open i need to kiss them i need cherries and enchiladas i need the ants and fruit flies to get the hell out of my house i need more alcohol and higher blood pressure and to divorce my family. how long does it take to be disowned. do i owe it to the people around me . i want kiss i want the moment when they came into my house on their fucking??? lunch break to kiss me and say yeah remember when kim kardashian posted a selfie and kanye west said hey im coming home now. and they pushed me up against the wall and their fucking fingers, i got my vibrator out afterwards and ive had to use it a few times since just thinking of us and the dream their housemate had where they came in and said hey stop having such loud sex even though it was really okay god almighty we should have louder sex this post is paragraphs long and it’s probably all my thoughts but im gonna keep going because i think about their fingers and their skin and mouth and voice and freckles theres no way they think about me this much im fucking pathetic i should probably kill msefl no one thinks about anything this much. but then again i guess i don’t it’s just condensed i have other things to do just what do i Enjoy thinking about it’s fucking being gay and tlaking to them listening to their music hearing them talk about having to lie down because of a fiona apple song such a fucking mistake to get involved with me no im the fucking worst im that fucking crazy girlfriend who won’t let go from the moment you lead me on im ucking hooked it’s so pathetic im extremely drunk just as a disclaimer for anyone who finds this. thats probably enought.