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#seminar classes and yknow that’s probably true
tarantula-hawk-wasp
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8 months
Text
Sometimes i decide not to post vent posts bc if someone says something nice or appeasing in response to it I’m going to snap and become evil
#my problem is that all of my insecurities are so thoroughly thought out you need a presentation with empirical evidence for me to even
#consider believing you AND if I feel like you think that I was asking for a platitude or compliment or whatever then I CANNOT process it as
#sincere bc then you’re just being nice because you’re a good person and my friend not bc it’s correct or like real
#I don’t think love has to be earned but my brain thinks praise does
#like love is unconditional but like I’m constantly weighing my own merits so praise needs to be for tangible reasons
#also if you try to say anything nice to me right now it’s not gonna go well I’m in a terrible mood
#this is like…. tbh art is like the fastest way for me to make something that then if people like it makes me feel good like art is such a
#crux of my mental health like I don’t get much academic validation and like it’s not parental issues my parents are nice to me
#I think it’s really a ME thing of me being very contemplative and critiquing in a thorough way
#also all of my criticisms of myself are for things I actively knew better but didn’t do or like very rational things
#it’s not oh my friends secretly hate me it’s that oh maybe my peers think I talk too much about things that aren’t always on topic in semina
#seminar classes and yknow that’s probably true
#or that oh I had a sloppy presentation for teaching and I’m always behind on grading which is true
#but the extreme thing is how much I hate myself for that BUT it’s bc of the executive dysfunction that I am constantly mad at myself
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