#seventh grade? crash course into bullying and also learning to Be A Person

[liaswills]

I'm head of Ravenclaw House headcannons:

The moment you failed your class, I deliver the news with great many compliments. Not to lie or to divert from the bad news, but because you'll need to see the good side to divert from the emotional crisis you'll convert into once you hear how your grades were. It will stick with you once you return on the train and at least some of it will encourage you to not go into a downwards spiral. I'll make sure to owl you a list of things to do on how to relax after a hectic semester at Hogwarts. It'll be filled with 10 jokes and 5 ways to exactly relax, suited just to your personality.

I slip random noticeboard suggestions to have house raves or parties. The students plan the party but I'm definitely letting the grey lady chaperone to make sure nobody dies of intoxication, and if anyone gets sick, she hurries to get me.

My, yes, you can always get extra Fluffy towels with me. I know the school towels aren't what they used to be and I've got a supply closet filled with thousands of blankets, towels and fluffy objects that might satisfy your very neurotypical needs.

There's a basket of random trinkets inside my office which you can grab to twitch or fumble with in conversations with me. Sometimes holding something allows us to think better or study better, I hand them out in study hall as well.

There's monthly duelling. I promote it, actually. You need to study, you need to learn and Ravenclaw has the best duelling room Hogwarts has ever known.... ;)

Course I'll help you if you're afraid of the Dark. No, it is not a burden. Wake me tf up. I'll stand in the corridor all night if you think there's a boogeyman hidden in the closet. Trust me, as head of Ravenclaw, I'll bring you some nice warm drink and consider telling you some random tale about whatever fits best at the big hearth in the common room before sending you to bed with a half moon 🌙 shaped night lantern.

I tolerate zero bullying, however. You'll have to scrub the balcony, I'm afraid. That high up, we have loads of birds that shit on the edges. Though, on the bright side, it is beautiful at night to gaze at the stars. And manual labour makes teenagers regret their decisions at life. Plus, after 1hr you can leave. I'll pop in to check up on you but I'm always lenient to let you go off with a good word of wisdom.

Lockhart and I don't get on. The whole house is ofcourse, making notes of the whole situation. I visit him in the hospital though, turns out he's still as loony as he was before but less cocky. From then on, I make a basket with trinkets Ravenclaws can make creative artsy things and put them in the Lockhart donation bucket. Because the lesson in it is, even the loony bin (ironically) is worth of creativity and personal attention.

At Christmas, the whole common room is covered in a snowlike appearance. I don't want to exert in garlands so they're mostly made of neutral colours. That way, I don't cause the whole of Ravenclaw to have aneurysms and everyone keeps a happy atmosphere and a winter spirit.

You bet your ass I'm crashing your parties, flaunting some groovy moves and singing ABBA.

Every month there is some kind of event. Something I make up as we go. Karaoke night. A harvest party. Valentines day rave. Samhain Trivia night. It's all themed. Mostly diverted with activities for the first to third years and the fourth to seventh years get to enjoy some real good times with open doors hour. That time other houses can freely walk into the commonroom and join their party. :) the ravenclaw tower is too far up anyway, nobody hears anything.

I get in trouble with Dumbledore so often you'd think I was a student. He tolerates me as I am the only pro-LGBTQ professor who knows he's 🍓fruity🍓 along with Prof Mcgonagall. We greatly discuss the most handsome wizards in Witch Weekly each weekend.

I look a lot like the grey lady. We also walk a lot together in deep conversation, which is when some students listen in or enjoy the topic of conversation in secret.

I give Muggle Born parents a full on manual on how to respond to certain topics regarding Trolls, the grading system, Spells, Wand regulations, a short guideline on wizarding laws to abide by and all the missing stuff they haven't received from the deputy or Headmaster.

Homework help for all examination stress students & counselling of course. No need to feel ashamed if you want to have a witch weekly about how to flirt with that random ass slytherin student you've been passing eyes at. I'll give you a thumbs up.

There's always 1 big end of the year party.

The Quidditch Team has the best hours to practice, especially cause I get up so early to set the dates for them.

We have a room in the Ravenclaw Tower just for naps & meditation or destressing. It's a quiet area.

On nights before exams I give everyone enough food during their late night studying. Even cupcakes and freshly baked cookies or warm soup.

[gothtistic-stims]

I was feeling invalid

Quick warning: the is a *long* post, and the invalidity I felt was actually remedied by writing this, so do not feel obligated to read it all! Sure, when I was younger I chose to be alone a *lot*, but I had friends. I was socially awkward, sure, but what 5 year old is really that great at being social? Yeah, whenever I went somewhere new I would cling to my sister and be completely unable to make new friends, but by the same token, at a *very* young age I figured out an algorithm for making and maintaining friendships: compliments! I think it was when I was 8 that I figured this out, which was fortunate because at around 7 kids were no longer friends with the entire class, and making friends was no longer easy. At 7, I found myself alone at recess nearly every day, hyperfixated on finding 4-leaf clovers (I was finding at least 1 a day at one point), so when I discovered the compliment algorithm I was able to smoothly transition and continue making friends. Of course, I still chose to be alone for a vast majority of recesses. But being asocial doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was an extremely naiive child, kids easily lied to me and I believed them. But being naiive in and of itself doesn't necessarily mean I'm autistic. When I was in kindergarten I was friends with someone. Close friends. In first grade, however, she avoided me like I was the plague. I cried and cried, and even confronted her, and she basically just told me "idk, I guess I just don't really like you." But having a person dislike me doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was always moving as a child, I had attention problems, and I also was diagnosed with both adhd and ocd when I was only 8. I talked too fast and was known to mumble (I say "was" as if I don't still do those things now lol). I also many times forget the word I want to use, and I end up blabbering nonsense trying to figure out how to convey what I want to say. Sometimes I don't forget whole words, I can't translate my thoughts because my thoughts aren't organized like normal thoughts. A majority of the time I am thinking in either pictures or feelings rather than words, and I simply can't say anything related to the topic I want to talk about because in my mind there are literally no words to even begin explaining it. I'm 1000% better at writing than talking. But speech problems don't necessarily mean I'm autistic. I guess I had experience with going partially nonverbal, but I never had a word to describe being physically unable to speak or initiate conversations unless spoken to first. But again, going partially nonverbal sometimes doesn't mean I'm autistic. When I was little my sister was diagnosed with aspergers. She would throw huge tantrums/melt down easily, so a lot of the focus went to her. I never really had any melt downs. In fact, when I was 6, my sister paid me a nickle to not cry in front of her, and it took *years* to be able to cry in her vicinity again. However, I was certainly not immune to crying; I was an empath. If you were crying, chances were I was crying too. Whenever my sister had a meltdown I would feel her pain, and I would hide in my favorite place underneath the same chair. I *had* to cry there. But high empathy doesn't mean I'm autistic - in fact, there's even a stereotype that autistics don't feel empathy at all. When I was 11, I was half forced out of my friend group and half decided for myself to leave it. I had one friend at the time, and she (let's call her "M") was hella popular. I never fit into the friend group. I was invited to fewer and fewer parties as time went on, and no one in the group except for my one friend liked me. Eventually she stopped liking me too, and I was left to fend for myself. But being disliked doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was briefly friends with the girl I was assigned to share a seat with on the bus. We started a whole mini show routine that we would do every day on the bus. It was called the Stupid and Cupid Show. Despite my efforts to get her to change the name, I was stuck being known as "Stupid." I never realized at the time how horrible that name made me feel, but it didn't matter, because eventually she left me as well. As is said in the last paragraph, being disliked doesn't mean I'm autistic. In seventh grade I was looped into a whole strange "family" (which is a story for another time) and suddenly had a *ton* of people considering themselves to be friends with me. It was around then that I realized I was touch averse, because PEOPLE I DIDN'T KNOW KNEW MY NAME AND KEPT HUGGING ME WITHOUT ASKING. Fortunately this didn't last long either, because like all of my frienships, it dissolved pretty quickly. This time, however, everyone blamed me for something I didn't do, and I was left with that entire huge group hating me. I didn't even find out why everyone suddenly hated me until a year later. But useless teen (not even, we were like ~11-12 years old) drama doesn't mean I'm autistic. My entire time in middle school was honestly horrible. My typical algorithm for making friends stopped working, and while I found a temporary replacement (empathizing with people as conversation) it was not nearly as effective. I was never exactly bullied per se, I just got stuck in the same classroom with some really fuckin mean people. I called them all "Tapper Dude." They would bang out off beat tunes on their desks *constantly*. This banging was sensory HELL ( though i didn't know the term "sensory hell" yet). I was going home and often crying because of the stress of being trapped with these people who wouldn't stop (the teachers didn't even try to stop them despite my many, many complaints). I couldn't do anything, couldn't work,couldn't concentrate, and would literally beg my teachers to let me work in the hallway so I could finally have some peace. They literally never let me work in the hallway, despite it being silent (except for that damn banging) individual work. ( I'm honestly still fuckin pissed that my teachers did nothing to help me!) But being hypersensitive to some banging on a desk doesn't mean I'm autistic. Jumping back to never being able to sit still, I still stim today. Not nearly as much then as I do now though. The need to stand rather than sit in my desk at school coulde easily be attributed to my adhd. On top of needed to stand, I was always doodling on my worksheets. Teachers would make me redo the entire sheet if they found my doodles, or they would grab my drawing off of my desk and crumple it up and throw it in the trash. Even as I type this now, my legs are shaking and bouncing and hitting each other. But this could easily be blamed on my having adhd. Having ADHD doesn't mean I have autism. I had weird fixations when I was younger. At 5 it was finding 4-leaf clovers, at 9 it was arranging bookshelves, which after ~6 months evolved into an obsession with reading classics. At only 9 years old, I attempted to read the entirety of Mobey Dick (I didn't get a chance to finish, the school year ended and I had to return the book to the school library 😣). Up until I was 8 I was obsessed with all things medical ( which involved reading the same 3 books over and over and over again). At 17 I became obsessed with slugs /sea slugs ( as I'm sure many of you are aware) along with developing an obsession with autism in and of itself. And ever since I was 5, I've been obsessed with hypnosis, the topic is in my brain basically 24/7, though I try to ignore this obsession because it's nearly impossible to find good media representations of it. I was exposed to porn at a very young age because of my seeking out hypnosis related material, and ever since then I've been wary of seeking it out for fear of finding even more erotic content 😣😣😣. Basically, what I'm saying is, I have had special interests, but I've also seen that something similar (hyperfixations) can be found in, once again, adhd!! So special interests don't necessarily mean I'm autistic. Eye contact. Hello darkness my old friend :)). I honestly have always hated eye contact, but, just like with my social skills, I figured out a loophole at an extremely young age. Foreheads and noses are an autistics best friends, and using these tools, I believe I've effectively fooled everyone I've encountered into think I have good eye contact. Honestly, up until I learned more about autism, I kinda just assumed eye contact was a figure of speech or something that people said better never actually did. But poor eye contact doesn't mean I'm autistic. Figures of speech are weird. I often overthink them to the point of incomprehensibility. I use figures of speech all the time (in fact I believe I used one earlier in this very post), but I've begun to suspect that all of the figures of speech I "understand" are only understood because school spent so much time drilling the meaning into my head. My suspicions arised from the fact that whenever I hear a new figure of speech, I don't understand what it means, even sometimes after it's been explained to me. On top of that, with sarcasm, I can only understand it if it's used by someone I know well. Understanding or not understanding figures of speech don't necessarily mean I'm autistic though. I've always been accident prone. I crash into walls and tables and chairs. I've also fallen both up and down the stairs. My fine motor movements also took much longer to develop as compared to others. Messy scissor cuttings, messy shirt after eating, and messy handwriting. My mom calls my handwriting "chicken scratch", though I personally don't think it's that bad. But poor coordination doesn't mean I'm autistic. When I was little, I only ate like 3 things. Everything else was considered absolutely disgusting. My parents would literally pay me to try certain foods, but it usually ended up being gross or a bad texture. Smells could also be *incredibly* overwhelming. Ketchup especially. I was supposed to clear the table every day, but whenever my parents used ketchup, I would either cry until they let me off the hook or pay my sister to do it for me. Even now, I refuse to even touch a clean ketchup bottle, it's just g r o s. My mom also eats this really gross cranberry chicken salad thing that I can't even be on the same level of the house when she's eating it because it'll literally cause me to cry. I also can't touch the carpet barefoot, and certain textures are *horrid*. Though not formally diagnosed with either autism or sensory processing disorder, I am 100% sure I have sensory processing disorder. My sensory issues are worse than my sister's, and she's actually been diagnosed with autism! From others, I've never really mentioned that I think I'm on the autism spectrum; I don't think they'd believe me. I seem to hold a conversation just fine! ( that is,until we're in a group of more than two people. Then I lose the ability to tell when it's my turn to speak, so I end up remaining silent, half because I don't know when it's my turn and half because I can never get a word in anyway). Sure, the few friends I have (the empathy algorithm stopped working because my friends broke me and I actually lost all empathy, which I'm still trying to recover from. The latest algorithm is bombarding the person with questions when you can't get a conversation going. * something* has to spark a conversation, right!? W r o n g. This is why I'm down to 3 or 4 friends.) all agree I'm incredibly socially awkward. And sure, I fill any silence with stimming, usually involving grabbing things I'm not supposed to touch or poking the person I'm with (idk man, my brain goes into panic mode and it just keeps repeating "poke them" until I appease it). In fact, just yesterday I hung out with a friend, and we had a casual good time. It's times like these that *really* make me question whether or not I'm autistic. Though it may sound like it, I'm not saying it's impossible for an autistic to have friends - in fact, in the short year that I've had this blog, I've managed to befriend quite a few of you wonderful people! I guess I'm just saying that while autistics can have friends and still be valid, *I* can't. Of course, having no friends doesn't mean I'm autistic ( much in the same way having friends doesn't mean I'm *not* autistic ). Overall, I'm worried my social awkwardness / social deficits, though they do exist, aren't enough to actually consider myself autistic. I am confident that I have ADHD and SPD, but what if those two are just combining to closely mimic autism? My blog has gotten fairly popular, and I'm really feeling invalid tonight, so I figured I'd outline the main symptoms and let you guys determine if you're okay with me running an autism blog and using the tags. I still think I have autism, and I shouldn't need to get validation from strangers on the internet, but I felt like it was important to outline this.

[argonapricot]

when you REBLOG IT do ALL OF THEM

1: Name - Julia

2: Age - the number of protons in an argon atom! My favorite element! That didn’t even occur to me until just now and I am delighted.

3: 3 Fears -

1. Plane crashes

2. Dementia

3. Bad things happening to pets

4: 3 things I love -

1. elves

2. Dvorak

3. making fun of you

5: 4 turns on

1. Linguistics

2. The end credit music from Attack of the Clones

3. Girls

4. Chord resolutions

6: 4 turns off

1. Sex

2. Existentialism

3. Depression

4. Logistical complications

7: My best friend - three of alex in a trenchcoat

8: Sexual orientation - homosexualism

9: My best first date - I’ve only had one! Unless you count Mackenzie Week which wow I sure don’t yikes

But yeah, the actual first date was cute af we were adorable and drenched

10: How tall am I - not tall enough

11: What do I miss - so much all the time, god. Having it be a normal and socially accessible activity to play pretend when you hang out with friends. Having a girlfriend, lol. Playing outside in the yard, my brother being a tiny little puffball. Being an impressive child. So many childhood things actually I’m an enormous sap. Not being depressed?

12: What time was I born - 7:02 in the evening, I think

13: Favorite color - poorple

14: Do I have a crush - um i have like 7 I’m bad at getting over people

15: Favorite quote - “the answer is six” - alex, that one time the answer wasn’t six

16: Favorite place - it’s a secret!

17: Favorite food - academic vigor

18: Do I use sarcasm - no of course not

19: What am I listening to right now - the clock trying to guilt me from across the room

20: First thing I notice in new person - whether or not they are painted green 

21: Shoe size - 9/12

22: Eye color - Brown! Maybe like ¼ hazel

23: Hair color - also brown! It gets lighter in the summer, the sun bleaches it a bit.

24: Favorite style of clothing - gay

25: Ever done a prank call? - I used to prank call Clarissa every time I called her in like middle school, but it was always super obvious that it was me I think

27: Meaning behind my URL - my favorite element, paired with a handy dandy alliteration fruit that I enjoy

28: Favorite movie - Alex making a fool of herself

jk it’s I guess Lord of the Rings but I’m honestly so bad with favorites especially movies

29: Favorite song - I’ve been listening to Hurt by Johnny Cash a LOT lately, for fictional angst purposes and also it’s just a really good song

30: Favorite band - the Grady Knights Philharmonic

31: How I feel right now - sad that I’m only on number 31

32: Someone I love - Lee Pope

33: My current relationship status - so single you don’t even know

34: My relationship with my parents - good! I have great parents they are great!

35: Favorite holiday - I’ve only actually been to a Tu b’shvat seder once, but it was so incredibly rad and it’s a good holiday I approve of it.

36: Tattoos and piercing i have - none

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - none?

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - to get in on that sweet pjo fandom action

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? nah bro @alphaj8de hi five

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - I exchange “goodnights” with someone if we end a conversation by going to bed?

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - quite possibly!

42: When did I last hold hands? - I hold hands with Tolkien every day of my life

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - Depends on how slowly I get out of bed

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? - yeah

45: Where am I right now? - on a couch

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - fanfiction, probably, since all of my good caring friends are Leaving me to go to Party College, or alternatively Very Far Away And Stupidly Cold Stupid College

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - I like my music neurotically soft

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - for the next like two months

49: Am I excited for anything? - college! Hannah’s lake house! garbage on the internet! 

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - I rarely tell Everything to anyone

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - I suck at fake smiles, and can only maintain them (when called for) in three-second bursts

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - I hugged Benjamin earlier today

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - I would stand there like a tool.

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - YEAH @cognitivelyagitated I can’t believe you took advantage of my eighth grade self like that and I can’t believe my eighth grade self was that stupid.

55: What is something I disliked about today? - Discord crashed and my online friend was not online.

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - *mumblemumble*

57: What do I think about most? - characters doing Things

58: What’s my strangest talent? - I have the power to make sleeping possums knit

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - macaroni and cheese, also certain noises that make me flip out and cringe

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - I can go both ways!

61: What was the last lie I told? - the answer to that sarcasm question

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - what is communication

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - I don’t devote a lot of energy into having opinions on ghosts or aliens one way or the other.

64: Do I believe in magic? - sometimes

65: Do I believe in luck? - I mean luck is just the concept that sometimes good things happen and sometimes they don’t? So yeah, the experimental probability of good things that happen is a thing.

66: What’s the weather like right now? - hot and humid

67: What was the last book I’ve read? - I’m in the middle of like four books right now, the last one I finished was I think A Conjuring Of Light? In the shades of magic trilogy, which was hype.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - no!

69: Do I have any nicknames? - julesliaia

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? - I broke my arm in seventh grade

71: Do I spend money or save it? - both!

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - there are some pink things visible on the screen where this is being typed?

74: Favorite animal? - I like all kinds of cats

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - watching Episode 3 of IDOL Drama Operation Team

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - why would he have a last name

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - I can’t think of the best answer right now

78: How can you win my heart? - elf appreciation

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - my name would be nice

80: What is my favorite word? - right now, sepulchral

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - I don’t really rate tumblrs!

82:  If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - stop! being stupid! stop being mean! Help the planet and also other people! I don’t know

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - being able to sing well would be nice

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - are you spending your time responsibly?

86: What is my current desktop picture? - Yosemite

87: Had sex? - y

88: Bought condoms? - n

89: Gotten pregnant? - n

90: Failed a class? - n

91: Kissed a boy? - n

92: Kissed a girl? - y

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - I think so, yeah

94: Had job? - y

95: Left the house without my wallet? - y

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - n

97: Had sex in public? - nah that’s your gig

98: Played on a sports team? - I was a part of the Lucky Clovers soccer team in like 1st and 2nd grade

99: Smoked weed? - n

100: Did drugs? - n

101: Smoked cigarettes? - n

102: Drank alcohol? - some! on special occasions

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - n

104: Been overweight? - n

105: Been underweight? - n

106: Been to a wedding? - Yeah, a couple!

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - ………..probably on some late nights, but that’s terrible and I feel ashamed and sad

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - n

109: Been outside my home country? - twice! Once to Spain and once to Mexico

110: Gotten my heart broken? - There have been a couple instances of vague heart breakage idk

111: Been to a professional sports game? - during TIP camps, yes

112: Broken a bone? - y

114: Been to prom? - I was busy Killing It at Carnegie Hall

115: Been in airplane? - y

116: Fly by helicopter? - n

117: What concerts have I been to? - @queer-sighted took me to a Fall Out Boy concert two summers ago, which was lots of fun! I’ve been to a lot of ASO concerts that Mom gets tickets to for producing the show, and a bunch of other classical music occasions, and some concerts that I’ve played!

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - yeah. like. a Lot.

119: Learned another language? - I learned some okay French

120: Wore make up? - y

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - y but virginity is dumb

122: Had oral sex? - y

123: Dyed my hair? - n

124: Voted in a presidential election? - I was too young!

125: Rode in an ambulance? - n

126: Had a surgery? - yeah, on my foot in second grade

127: Met someone famous? - my crush met Selena Gomez does that count

128: Stalked someone on a social network? - only a tiny bit

129: Peed outside? - of course

130: Been fishing? - I’ve stood near some people who were fishing sometimes

131: Helped with charity? - I’ve worked on a lot of tikkun olam projects? And volunteered places? And donated tzeddakah? I don’t know what specifically constitutes charity.

132: Been rejected by a crush? - only very indirectly I have the forthcoming romantic initiative of a slug

133: Broken a mirror? - no

134: What do I want for birthday? - ummmm books and mamamoo I guess? Maybe a new tablet

[loveshaunixo]

A Piece of Me

“I laugh harder with you. I feel more myself with you. I trust you with me -- the real me. When something goes wrong or right, or I hear a funny joke, or I see something bizarre, you’re the first person I want to talk to about it.” - Samantha Young

Ever had that one person you just really did not like? But then became best friends with once you actually got to know each other? Funny how friendships work, huh? That’s what happened with my best friend Steven and I. We met in seventh grade at school, and had art class together; funny thing is, he was actually one of the kids that use to bully me. But, there was something different with him still… he wasn’t as mean as the other kids. He did make a few comments, but he knew when to stop and leave me alone, unlike the other kids.

Back then, Skate Plex was the place to be. My best friend at the time and I would be there pretty much every Friday, maybe even Saturdays. Of course, since it was a popular place… I would run into Steven. This time, he wouldn’t be a bully. He would make kind of mean jokes, which later on caught on to what sarcasm was and realized that’s all it was. I know, I was slow at becoming fluent in sarcasm, so sue me.

Steven and I didn’t really see each other throughout high school. We saw each other’s profiles on social media, but that’s all. Soon after graduating though, we ended up reconnecting. We slowly got to know each other, and soon became friends. Then of course, he became one of my best friends. But then came a time where feelings kind of developed. He started having feelings first, and would joke about how he had his over-night bag ready and “was ready to cuddle whenever I was ready.” I didn’t know how I felt though, I liked him but I don’t know if I did enough to consider dating or going further. He was my best friend, and if it was anything I learned from Adrian, it was: dating your best friend isn’t a good idea. Steven was definitely someone I did not want to lose.

Back when I was an pill-popping alcoholic because I was a dumbass who wasn’t coping with the breakup with Adrian very well, Steven checked on me all the time. I knew he wanted to help, but he also knew how I was, and knew that I wouldn’t stop until I wanted to. I was stubborn and hard-headed, he knew this. So he at least made sure I was always safe and didn’t get too seriously bad. 

The summer I had started dating the tattooed bad boy, Steven definitely made sure to make himself present in my life often. I was helping my boyfriend at the time with moving weight and selling bud. This was when I was constantly at his house (or Trap House I should say), and I knew plenty of people. So we were definitely raking in money, but the money started to change my attitude. Honestly, yeah… I got greedy and let it get to my head. I guess I started acting different too, because Steven started to use his lunch breaks to come see me. He always made an excuse that he needed a few grams or so, after a while… I found out it was a cover story so he could check on me. I’ll admit, I started getting distant with him. But, the boyfriend at the time was also the jealous type and did not allow any other guy to talk to me. Hell, he even had an issue with my brothers wanting to hang out with me. --- Steven was definitely protective with me, and made sure I was safe; from the world, and sometimes even myself.

“It’s not that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but it’s your best friends who are your diamonds” - Gina Barreca

When I had my miscarriage and lost my son, Steven was there for me too. Especially because I was sober at this point from everything (except smoking pot of course, haha) and was doing good. But he feared I would slip back into that “dark place” because he knew how happy I was about being an expecting mom. Of course, Steven made sure to check on me all the time, and actually started coming over to my house more often to hang out.It was hard times like those where it made us grow closer, and eventually… I did start to have feelings for him. Back then, I didn’t know that’s what it was but I kept it to myself and just continued to hang out with him and be his best friend. After a while,  Adrian and I had gotten back together. We all decided to hang out, and Steven had mentioned he wanted us to meet someone. When he got to the house he had a short, petite girl with him. She was pretty, but I started to get uneasy. It kind of bothered me to see him with another girl, I don’t know why. I was with Adrian so I knew I shouldn’t have had those feelings. I knew I had my chance before, and I didn’t take it.

After hanging out with them both and getting to know her a bit… I actually really liked her. She seemed to be good to him, and that’s what mattered. He was happy, she made him happy, and he enjoyed the fact we could all hang out. So I put my own personal feelings to the side and enjoyed the times we all had.

* * * * *

Several weeks later, Adrian and I had broken up for good, and at this time, I think so did Steven and his girlfriend. So were there for each other, we still hung out just not as often. His job had him going out of town a lot, but when he was in town we definitely made time for each other. At any point, I could have came clean and told him my feelings. I mean, we were both single, and maybe he still felt the same as he did. But I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t; shouldn’t ever wait around for someone to have the same feelings for you. The chances came and went, but I never told him. Never spoke a word of it. But I made sure to hug him tighter, and a little longer before he would leave.

One night, I went to sleep early but woke up a little shortly after to Steven calling my phone.

“Heyyyyy pretty lady, were you sleeping? You sound tired.” I loved the way his voice sounded when he was happy, it so peaceful and lovely. It’s like his happiness would just radiate and rub off on you, it was hard NOT to be happy around him or even when talking to him. He was definitely the happiness person I knew.

“Yes.” I laughed tiredly. “I fell asleep early, but woke up because I heard my phone going off; saw it was you and answered.”

“That’s right, you better answer when it’s me calling” he said jokingly. He was such a flirt, always had been. Even since seventh grade, that was definitely something that never changed in the years. 

“Ohhh yeah? And what would you have done if I didn’t? Hmm?” I said sarcastically.

“Come over and kidnap you” he said laughing.

“But see, know I know to make sure the doors are locked” I could deliver smart ass comments right back with him. It was almost an every day thing with him, we were always being smart asses with each other. Hell, sometimes it did seem like obvious flirting, haha.

“I can just crawl through your window. I know which one is yours, and your dogs know who I am, so they wouldn’t do anything.” Damn, he was right. Haha. 

“Well shit.” I started laughing. “Got a point there.” Steven started laughing. I loved the sound of his laugh, and definitely loved his smile. Even the way his eyes looked when he was genuine happy, or smiling. They were light when he was happy and always seemed to have a sparkle or gleam in them. That, or I must have loved him more than I thought and didn’t realize it haha. “Let’s hang out” he asked.

“I’m already in bed and in pajamas.” I said, pulling my phone away to look at the time. “Plus it’s late.” Thinking back, I don’t remember exactly what time it was, but I know it was late enough where I was better off staying home and rescheduling. “Want to hang out tomorrow if you’re not busy?”

“Yeah! That’s fine sweetheart!” I heard him say with excitement.

“Call me or text me when you’re up and are free, and I’ll come by and we’ll go do something.” I told him.

“No, I will come get YOU. But I will. I wanted to see what you were doing first, but since you’re making me wait till tomorrow I’m going to go hang out with a friend at his house.”

“Oh shush” I started laughing, it was small comments like that that made me believe the feelings were still there with him. “Have fun, and be safe. I’ll see you tomorrow then, dork.” Steven continued laughing before speaking. 

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you sweet girl.” I heard him say. 

“I love you too.” I replied. It was common for him to tell me he loved me, hell we always told each other we loved each other. Even despite when he had feelings and I didn’t, then when I did and didn’t know if it was mutual. We always made sure to tell each other we love each other.

Little did I know that phone call was going to be the last time I would ever hear him say those words… or speak to him at all…

“Never miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them, for you may never have another chance to tell them…” - Unknown

The next day, I woke up to several messages asking if I was okay. Then I get on to facebook to see posts from people who Steven and I went to school with, and grew up with. What I saw next made my world stop, and shattered my heart…

Steven was involved in a car accident. 

A woman name Misti Dawn O’Brien was driving a car while intoxicated, high off pills, and had children in the car. Steven was driving, and the bitch went to turn, cutting him off and causing him to crash into her head on.

My best friend… my heart… was dead…

I was told he fought for his life and to breath, but just couldn’t. He soon died at the scene… --  My world changed. I lost the biggest source of support, my best friend, someone who basically had my heart…

I lost a piece of myself…

Out of all deaths I have had to get through in my life… his was the hardest. To this day, I still cry and my heart breaks all over again; and it’s been nearly five years.Honestly… I don’t know if I will ever be okay..

“A million words would not bring you back, I know because I tried; neither would a million tears, I know because I cried...”  -Unknown

[therealgirlsguidetoadulting-blog]

Depression...let’s be entirely transparent.

Let’s start this off with a disclaimer: I am not a doctor, and I have also never formally been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but I know enough about myself and I have self-diagnosed myself with these conditions. I am fortunate enough to have a very supportive family and there have been multiple times when I thought that therapy and/or medication to help me level out was something that I desired, but it comes in waves, and there are times when I just don’t feel as if medication or therapy would work. I also got to a point in my life when I grew comfortable in my sadness, and when it felt as if I could just continue to get by and be fine, but I learned that there is more to life than just surviving.

Depression is something I have struggled with for the last nine years or so in my life, and stems from a variety of different experiences. I was bullied for the majority of my childhood in school, which then continued from elementary into high school. I was a conscientious student, always excelling in the classroom, and quick to volunteer to help the teacher or other students. I was a goody-two-shoes, and as a child, I enjoyed nothing more than feeling validated for my intelligence. It’s something that I still find immense pride in as an adult. I made myself an easy target because coupled with my righteous attitude, I was also extremely sensitive, allowing for other students to pick on me endlessly. I also made the mistake of always having crushes on the most popular boys, full of no substance and only bullshit. I’ve openly made mistakes when it comes to love and even my friendships, and I pay the price for it also.

Turning 21 this year scared the shit out of me. This is a milestone year and here I was at college, feeling super anticlimactic. Almost all of my friends graduated last year, and during that spring semester, I studied abroad in London, and I have missed both my American and international friends from my time there. I have celebrated the last four birthdays at college, because my birthday is during September, and is the beginning of school starting. I knew starting my senior year, that it was going to be difficult, but I had hoped that coming off the high of being abroad and growing up a little, that I was going to have an easier adjustment.

I am alone, a lot of time. All exaggerating aside, I spend a lot of time by myself, which I enjoy, but it can also be bad for me. It feels too late now to start making a whole new bunch of friends, and while I have acquaintances, I can’t create a whole new friend group or even reciprocate my social life when I was in London. My course load is insane right now and practically every person I know continues to ask me about my honors thesis or what my plans are for after graduation. And that gets exhausting after a while. Couple my workload with little to no sleep, terrible food availability and eating habits, and it equates to my overall somber mood.

Depression is not something that is foreign to me. It is not something unknown, but rather like an annoying old friend that keeps pulling me back in. I turned 21 and I realized that it feels like my life has repeated itself this year. I feel just like my 12 year old self, on the cusp of maturity, dealing with too many emotions and drowning in the intellectualization of my feelings. When I was in seventh grade, my life shifted dramatically, and since then, it feels as if I have been trying to claw my way back to before that time. During this time, I was getting bullied in school by this guy I had a crush on, and all of his friends, and in the midst of getting harassed, my grandmother died. My entire life was altered by this, not only because I was very close to her, but because I closeted my guilt and the feelings I was having. I didn’t know how to talk to my father, who had just lost his mother, or anyone else about it. I bottled my feelings and I poured my emotions into writing, which became my only solace. I used fiction to help articulate my feelings, and it has become a great comfort to me.

The loss of my grandmother has impacted me significantly and has also shaped the way I view the other relationships I have with my family members. Unfortunately, I also lost my mom’s mother this year, and while it wasn’t my first brush with familial death, it took me right back to when I was 12 and had no idea what was going on. My maternal grandmother died when I was studying in London, and one of my first thoughts was ‘how am I going to get home?’ And my mother assured me I didn’t have to return to the states, but I couldn’t be the only one who wasn’t there, so it took a week off from school to be with my family. That week was incredibly hard, and I remember that even before the funeral, I decided I was only going to allow myself to be upset for that day, and that afterwards, I was going to be the perfect eldest daughter and take care of as much as I could to alleviate pressure on my mother. I took care of everything that week, and when it was time to return to England, my mother came with me.

For about a month I think I was on autopilot. My mom came to London with me, because she was actually scheduled to stay with me and visit for a week of my spring break. It was kind of opportune timing, but I had no idea how draining it was going to be to essentially babysit her for a week, without the buffer of my sister or father. Ultimately, we did have a great week and I am glad that I got to spend time with her. The next two weeks were harder on me than I thought, because I had two back to back tours, and they were somewhat socially draining. I tried desperately to fit in with the groups and friends I made during those times, but I think the close proximity and intensity of the tours started to wear on me. By the time I left Greece at the end of spring break, I had stitches in my knee from a terrible hiking accident, and I was a little worse for wear.

The parallels between my 21st and 12th years became glaringly obvious to me, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was regressing instead of maturing. I was doing well in school academically, but socially I was coming up short. And I was also sad at the prospect of feeling like I had no one to share these large moments of graduating with; it was supposed to be a time of celebration, but instead I was alone, spending many nights in a row staying up to complete homework. And it’s still hard—and I still have moments of weakness when I cry and get frustrated and feel lonely and overworked. There’s no golden answer, but I think one of the most important things I learned was that I need to acknowledge how I am feeling, and allow myself to feel. Monitoring and policing my emotions just results in outbursts later on, and if I just have a few moments of either anxiety or frustration, I feel better off for it. I also have a stronger relationship with my parents, and they have had to learn that sometimes, I don’t always need a solution to whatever I am telling them, but rather I just need them to listen and support me.

  Some Lessons I have learned about Depression and other Thoughts

1.      It sucks, it does. And it is incredibly isolating. But there is always help, and while I never formally got assistance, I did learn other ways to manage my feelings.

2.      I utilized the resource I had, which was my best friend, Vicki. She has talked me out of my downward spirals more than once, and she has been the most selfless person towards me. I have always said, that without her, I think I would have just become a shell of a person and would have isolated myself away from others.

3.      I had to make the decision to live. I never wanted to self-harm or kill myself, because I fear pain and I couldn’t stomach the fact that I would essentially be breaking my parents’ hearts. What I mean, is that I had to decide that I wanted to do more than just get by. And I have had to reevaluate what my life means, and realize that I am worthy of more than just terrible things happening, or boys breaking my heart or friends leaving.

4.      Find what you enjoy in life, and make a conscious effort to be present. I love reading, writing, listening to music and watching crappy television. I like these things because they are all various ways in which I can escape the day to day toils of life and just relax or throw myself into a different headspace.

5.      It all takes time. There will be good and bad days. It is a process. I am still learning and I have moments of weakness when it feels as if it is all crashing down on me. But it isn’t and there is just so much life to live. Now that I have seen a little bit of the world, I know that there are endless possibilities, and I wanna explore what is out there.

[ao-anonymousobsesser]

THINGS THAT HAPPENED/WHAT WAS CANON IN PART ONE

Barry was taunted a great deal at school. He had many bullies, though there were other people that teased him, as well, without being a quote bully. Barry and Iris met when they were six years old, and they were fast friends. When Barry was eight years old, he had a crush on Iris. This crush lasted for several years. Barry was born on 14 January 1989. Len was born on 2 June 1988. Iris was born on 24 June 1989. Lisa was born on 8 August 1995. Bette, Hartley, Mick, Sam, Digger, and Roy are one year older than Barry. Ronnie, Mark, Shawna, Tony, and Cisco are the same age as Barry. Clyde, Jake, and Axel are one year younger than Barry. Rosa and Roscoe Dillon are twins--they're like Len, in the same grade as Barry but older than him. Len should be a grade higher than Barry, but his dad sucks so they're in the same grade even though he's almost six moths older than him. Len and Lisa moved in with Barry, Iris, and Joe when Len, Iris, and Barry were in sixth grade and Lewis got arrested. Len and Iris were sort of friends, so Joe knew how Len would turn out if he didn't do anything, so he took the kids in. Len and Barry become fast friends, and Barry slowly loses his crush on Iris in favor of one on Len. (Later, sexualities are established. Barry is bi and polyamorous, but mainly sticks to monogamy. Len is pan and honestly flirts with everyone all the time but no one ever realizes it. Iris is straight but experiments. Lisa is--well--lets go with pan and polyamorous, because she's kind of a wild-child flirting machine, but she falls in love super easy and gets heartbroken really easily, since she didn't get abused into hiding her emotions like Len did and she doesn't have a good wall around her heart yet.) But just because Barry has a crush on Len doesn't mean he likes him all the time, so they fight A LOT. About everything. Barry doesn't let the arguments last more than a day because he believes in not going to bed angry. But sometimes things are just super bad. Barry can draw. (I didn't actually write this in, but it's implied that Barry keeps a drawing journal.) Len steals a drawing he makes one day, of the night his mom died. It hasn't come up again since then--Barry's probably forgotten all about it--but it will in this story, probably. Tony, Clyde, Sam, and Jake were Barry's biggest tormentors. Digger was pretty bad, too. Tony, Jake, and Digger got sent to juvie in seventh grade and never really came back. Jeremy Tell shows up briefly every now and then, but he's really background so he doesn't connect with anyone. Same with Frankie Kane. Hartley went to a private high school instead of the one Barry and co went to. Bette went to boot camp after 10th grade before going into the military at eighteen. Ronnie, Barry, Cisco, and Len were chosen to skip two grades because of their geniusness and overall well-rounded-ness as students (good grades, volunteer work, tutoring, clubs, etc.). Only Cisco and Ronnie chose to do it, though, because Barry just wanted to be normal and Len was going to police academy anyway so there was really no point. Len taught Barry how to fight the summer before 10th grade. Barry got hurt, decided fighting wasn't for him. He's out of practice. He does a few sports, though, in high school, because Len insists that just because you're smart doesn't mean you can't do sports and because he forced Barry to take balance lessons in middle school because "no one is that clumsy unless they just never learned not to be". S Barry had better balance and does a few sports without really getting into it like he does with other school things. Barry, Mark, and Shawna dated in Sophomore year for a couple of months. Len didn't like it--he and Barry got into some nasty disagreements from it. It was worse than any other fight they've ever had, and it took months for them to get back to being besties again. Barry cross-dressed at Junior Prom because Iris found out that he'd been cutting (every now and then for the last few years since his mom died, just to make everything feel a little more in control for a little while, not enough to cause real damage or for anyone to really notice) and blackmailed him into helping her with an experiment. Barika Jones was the name they used, and people were just as annoyed with her as they were with Barry. Len thought she was hot, though, so...But everyone swore not to speak of it again and Iris promised not to tell anybody about the cutting. Barry and Len co-wrote and spoke their graduation speech as co-valedictorians. It was cute. After graduation, Barry spent the first month of vacation in the library working on his summer assignment. Then Len dragged him out to a ton of parties. Iris takes college course locally in between shifts at Jitters. Len goes to police academy in Gotham so he can become a detective in Central. Barry goes to college in Coast City and does field training there, too, before coming back to Central and becoming a CSI. Iris finds out that Barry was shamed in college because he was a baby compared to everyone else. Also when he was doing field training no one believed in him. So he was really low and cut again. Except it wasn't always him doing the damage? Like some people just beat him up. Also he tried smoking the first year at college, but it was super horrible so he stopped. And then he came back to Central and now he won't ever cut again (probably) because he feels better and safer when he has Len and Lisa and Iris and Joe watching his back. Len became a detective but he's not Joe's partner. People don't really like him at CCPD, because he's Lewis' son and can't be trusted but then they start supporting him a little when Joe smacks some sense into one of them. Captain Singh has a soft spot for The West Clan, but he doesn't show it. Also he bosses Barry around personally because he knows the kid isn't getting enough guidance from the Director of CSI in CCPD. Because of this, Barry sees him as his direct boss and sometimes slips up and calls him Director Singh instead of Captain Singh, especially when Singh is yelling at him. Eddie got transferred from Keystone to help in Central because of the big influx of population because of the Particle Accelerator, and he just ends up staying afterwards because Central is his new home. He's still Detective Pretty Boy. Len and Joe don't really like him, but Iris and Barry think he's pretty. When he and Barry talk for the first time (before the lightning), he accidentally geeks about Barry's blog, but it's cool. Then the lightning strikes, and they can't really talk. Also Lisa is a dancer/figure skater and everyone is super proud of her and they love her a lot. Barry is in love with Len but still gets attracted to other people. Len has a little bitty crush on Barry but won't say anything because he doesn't want to fuck everything up. Lisa and Iris and Joe are So Done with both of them but won't tell either one that the other likes them because they respect their privacy and don't want to let on that they know about the crushes. So the three of them know that Barry likes Len and that Len likes Barry, but Len and Barry don't know that they are liked by the other and they also aren't aware that literally everyone knows about their crush. And Len is still pretty convinced that his crush is really anything worth talking about, anyway, because it's really teeny-tiny in his opinion and he still kind of thinks Barry is in love with Iris or maybe even Mark and Shawna. Barry goes to Starling and maybe has a little crush on both Oliver and Felicity? But he just hits on Felicity and it's like they're kindred spirits. Also Oliver looks like Ronnie???? Like whaaaaa? Barry hasn't actually spoken to a lot of his high school buddies since everyone went to college, but they're all on social media, so it's not like everyone ditched. Len, Vukovich, Joe, and Chyre all go to confront Clyde Mardon because he robbed a bank. Chyre gets shot, Len sees that Clyde has a hostage in the plane, the plane takes off. The Particle Accelerator explodes, sending a shock-wave that crashes the plane and sends Len flying back into an ice-covered building. The other three men are protected and Len passes out. In Barry's Lab (yep, that's a proper name), Barry calls Felicity and they talk for a while and he kind of asks her out just a little. Then Barry gets struck by lightning and passes out and that's how it ends! Dun-dun-dun!!!!!!!!