#shame and fear. she hates feeling indebted to people yet her economic situation forces her to be.

[folklohre]

𝙰𝙽𝙽𝙰 𝙷𝙴𝙻𝙻𝙴𝚅𝙸𝙺    +    TIMELINE  /  RECAP OF LYKKELAND SERIES ONE.

1 9 6 9.     stavanger is in crisis,  with its fishing industry slowing down and the oil adventure coming to a halt before it’s even begun as international companies begin to pull out.     anna,  an ambitious young woman,  finds herself in the center of it all.

     →        TREASURE HUNT ,     summer 1969.

jonathan kay,  a lawyer for phillips petroleum,  is sent to stavanger to sublet their rig,  ocean viking,  to another company or facilitate a withdrawal deal.     anna hellevik,  a farmer’s daughter from dirdal,  celebrates her engagement to high school sweetheart christian nyman,  the heir to the nyman fishing and shipping company.     christian is a diver on the ocean viking platform and is therefore offshore for long periods of time.     anna lands a job as politician arne rettedal’s secretary and transcribes his meetings with phillips petroleum’s ed young and jonathan kay.     after phillips decides to drill its final block on the ocean viking rather than pull out,  christian gets into a car accident with marius torstensen,  who sustains injuries he later dies of.     christian lies to the police and claims he was sober,  thus keeping the accident off his record.     soon after,  marius’ pregnant daughter toril torstensen is forced to marry a local man who has agreed to raise her illegitimate child as his own.

     →        SMOKING BAN ,     late 1969.

anna’s parents,  hardon and oddfrid,  wonder if christian and anna are a good match,   claiming they’re too different,  and oddfrid isn’t sure she really loves him.     rein,  anna’s older brother,  is out of work and hopes to get a job on an oil platform.     meanwhile,  christian is offshore when phillips petroleum believe they’ve found oil on the 2/4 block.     in a meeting with rettedal,  ed and jonathan pretend they haven’t found anything of significance,  and name the block ekofisk.     christmas is just around the corner,  but nyman’s shipping company has to lay off several of its employees,  and christian’s father fredrik nyman cuts his own salary by 20% to help the company,  which catapults his wife ingrid into a valium induced depressive episode.     when christian is flown back to shore in order to help his mother,  he tells anna that they’ve imposed a smoking ban on the platform.     smart enough to know that this means they must have found something,  anna shares this knowledge with rettedal and tries to convince her future father-in-law to enter the oil industry,  but her attempt is interrupted as toril goes into labour while at work.     after the last day of work before christmas,  jonathan invites anna to the movies.     she declines,  explaining she has to get back to the family farm,  and he walks her to her bus.     on december 23rd 1969,  phillips petroleum finally finds oil on the ocean viking platform,  with claims it’s the largest underwater oil reservoir ever found.

     →        THE SUMMER HOUSE ,    spring 1970.

anna is in the midst of wedding planning with ingrid and fredrik at garnodden,  the family summer house,  but christian himself is a no-show.     fredrik is in need of a translator at a meeting with a possible buyer in england and asks anna to accompany him.     christian holds a party at his new apartment,  a purchase he has kept secret from both his parents and anna,  and invites friends and coworkers from the platform,  including jonathan.     while at the party,   christian and anna get into an argument about his family’s financial problems and their different priorities.     after christian storms off,  a conversation with jonathan makes anna realise that selling garnodden to phillips petroleum would stop the nyman family from going into financial ruin.     the next day,  fredrik’s meeting in england is unsuccessful,  but after anna recommends turning their old trawling ships into supply ships for oil companies,  fredrik returns to stavanger with a new sense of hope.     when anna later tells fredrik that she took jonathan to garnodden so he could survey the plot,  he’s disappointed in her,  but after yet another unsuccessful meeting with the bank,  he decides to follow her advice and sells garnodden to jonathan and phillips petroleum,  against his family’s wishes.

     →        SIXTY NINE METRES DOWN ,    spring / summer 1970.

anna’s role in the sale of garnodden has led to a falling out with both christian and his mother.     she hasn’t spoken to either of them in weeks,  but after running into fredrik while working for rettedal at the golf club,  he forces his son to apologise to her.     despite their bickering,  they make up.     the following week christian is involved in a traumatizing accident on ocean viking in which damon,  a close friend and colleague,  dies.

     →        DIRDAL VALLEY ,    early 1971.

when phillips petroleum is looking to build a dry dock for the construction of the ekofisk tank,  jonathan notices anna’s family farm in dirdal on one of the possible building plans.     the land owners are to be given offers by norwegian contractors’ gunnar sandvik later the same day,  so jonathan drives anna to her family farm so she can convince her father to take the offer.     by the time they get there,  hardon has already refused the offer,  but after anna lies to her family about the other landowners accepting,  her father changes his mind and accepts the offer.     after the meeting,  anna and gunnar meet for celebratory drinks at esso motor hotel,  where a moment between anna and jonathan is interrupted by toril,  who now works as a waitress at the hotel.     anna spends more time with jonathan,  while christian decides to start a diving company of his own with martin,  a friend and fellow ocean viking diver.     meanwhile,  the stavanger city council has decided that the dry dock will be built in jåttåvågen rather than dirdal,  and anna’s actions has alienated her family from the rest of the village.

     →        HOPE AND FRAUD ,    march 1971.

while he struggles with financing his diving company c - max,  christian and anna continue getting into arguments over the smallest things.     fredrik sells his canning company to hastings,  the english company who turned him down the year prior,  in order to help christian with his company,  but lies about the production rate.     anna accompanies rettedal in a meeting with arve johnsen,  a labour party politician working on establishing a state owned oil company.     back at the office,  anna’s female colleagues think she’s beginning to sound like a politician,  and jonathan invites her on a road trip the following day.     christian offers rein a job with c - max,  but when anna returns to the family farm to share the good news,  she’s faced with the harsh realities her family is facing in dirdal.     rein turns down christian’s offer,  having been approached by phillips petroleum for a job at the platform.     hardon insists anna and christian’s wedding should be held at the family farm,  and won’t give her a suitable date for the ceremony.     anna then decides to join jonathan on his road trip around stavanger,  opening up to him about her struggles of feeling indebted to the nyman family.     back at the nyman house,  ingrid informs the family that hardon has finally agreed to hold the wedding at the atlantic hotel in stavanger in late june 1972.     when the father of toril’s son shows up to talk to toril,  christian reacts with jealousy and anna decides to spend the night at her family’s farm.      things have begun to settle in dirdal,  and the hellevik family is slowly but surely being included in the village again.     being at the family farm makes it clear that deep down anna is unsure about her engagement.

     →        PARTY AT ESSO MOTOR HOTEL ,    december 1971.

the norwegian state is considering moving the oil operation to bergen,  so rettedal asks anna to help him convince the state’s industry committee to choose stavanger as the oil capital of norway.     after taking the committee on a tour of the ekofisk tank,  jonathan invites anna on yet another road trip the very same night,  but she turns him down as she’s busy with work as rettedal is hosting a dinner for the committee.     when arve johnsen tells rettedal it’s unlikely the committee will vote for stavanger because it’s such a conservative and religious town,  anna is given the responsibility to organise a party at esso motor hotel to show the delegates that stavanger can be fun.     after the party,  jonathan tells anna he likes her and they spend the night together.     they sleep together again the following day,  but anna is conflicted.     after having dinner with rettedal at esso motor hotel,  anna goes home to christian to break off their engagement,  but finds herself unable to.     she calls jonathan,  who expects to hear good news,  but instead tells him she doesn’t know how christian would cope if she left him.     she tries writing a letter to end the engagement,  but can’t find the right words and instead goes back to christian,  ending her relationship with jonathan before it’s even begun.

     →        THE OIL CAPITAL ,    spring / summer 1972.

anna and christian’s wedding is only a few months away,  and planning is in full swing but at the wedding tasting,  anna finds herself arguing with fredrik over their differing political views,  and her distaste for the family’s view on wealth only grows.     the next day,  jonathan and ed young have a meeting with rettedal which anna transcribes.     after the meeting,  jonathan,  who still has feelings for anna,  asks her to go for a drive but she refuses.     she rushes home to christian,  but is left annoyed at his drinking habits.     jonathan flies back to bartlesville.     meanwhile,  on june 14th,  the parliament votes on the establishment of a state owned oil company and the location of norway’s oil capital.     stavanger wins and is officially made the oil capital,  and the parliament votes to establish a state owned oil company,  which later becomes statoil.     jonathan is offered a senior position at the phillips headquarters in bartlesville.     later the same day,  anna and christian’s parents are finalizing seating arrangements for the wedding reception when anna finally breaks down.     a conversation with fredrik leads her to finally admit she doesn’t love christian anymore,  and she ends the engagement.     she then applies for a bachelor in economics at nhh  ( norwegian school of economics )  in bergen.     in august,  jonathan turns down the senior position in bartlesville and returns to stavanger.     the two reunite and decide to enter a long distance relationship while anna studies.

[cryptocleveland-blog1]

I used to have a blog here.    

I spent hundreds of hours pouring my heart into long posts that hardly anyone read.  Some were just text, like this one.   Some were elaborate, multi-installment series laced with photos and detailed graphics.  The effort that went into these posts, and the lack of response, was both highly therapeutic and soul crushing at the same time.   It was a way for me to feel creatively stimulated, and to participate in a community at a time when I was unemployed and socially isolated, but not yet cynical about my future prospects.  

I had just finished grad school, studying urban planning, and I had also just fulfilled one of my long-term ambitions, to appear in a feature film.  As a way of promoting the movie, the director of that film had begun a blog where he talked at length about film theory, art, and contemporary culture.  One of the other actors in the film started a blog about her life as an aspiring actress so I followed suit, choosing to concentrate on that subject which I knew best, and was, at that time, most passionate about: Real Estate Development in the City of Cleveland; with the occasional post devoted to my main hobbies, acting and photography.  

I was really proud of some of those early posts,  they were written with the confidence of someone who thought that the years of hard work were behind him and that life could only get better from here on out.  But months went by, and years went by.    It became obvious that my big break was never going to happen,  the movie was never going to find distribution, it was never going to be the stepping stone to my next project.    

Eventually people stopped commenting on my posts, and I ran out of things to talk about.   My blog became less regular and more introspective.    The director and actress followed suit, refocusing their blogs onto current affairs and personal interests.   I started getting into disagreements.    I argued with the director over his political positions,  I alienated the young actress by teasing her a little too frequently about her favorite band.  

It became clear that I was beating a dead horse.   My illusions were starting to fracture.  My acting career was stagnant, the only film work available where I live was in cheesy local commercials and I was too poor and too indebted to move elsewhere, nor was I brave enough to move away from my family and support network.   In my professional career things were no better, the rejection letters were starting to add up, and the longer I’d been out of school the fewer interviews I got.  

I started using this blog to vent my frustration.   After a couple internships that led nowhere. I accepted a job I hated, that I wasn’t any good at, and that I got fired from within six months.   That didn’t help my resume.    I started working part time minimum wage jobs just to have an income.  One night on the news I saw that a local school district was paying $180 a day for temporary substitutes during a teachers strike.    I’d worked as a sub before and enjoyed it so it seemed like good opportunity to make some money.    

I had planned on being there for two weeks, but the strike lasted eight.  It was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life, but I was fired from that job too.  I had been taking night classes at a community college, and the lack of sleep caught up with me. I was sad when it was over because there was one student in particular who I became emotionally attached to and I’d never gotten a chance to say good bye.  

I wish I had, because then I might not have gone to visit her place of work a few months later,  I might not have tried to stay in touch with her, I might not have deluded myself into thinking we were friends or that she cared about me half as much as I cared about her.  I could have just tied a nice happy bow around the relationship for being what it was and moved on to the next thing.   But its hard to move on when you have nothing to move on to.  

When you wake up feeling like a failure every morning its easy to get obsessed, your thoughts naturally drift to the last thing you can remember making you feel happy and important.  I shared these sentiments in posts I made on this blog, and other darker thoughts. After the fact I felt ashamed and decided to remove them, in an attempt to clean up my online fingerprints.

Its all gone now, good and bad; I’ve long since lost access to the email address I originally signed up for a tumblr account with and so my original account was deactivated, along with all its content, when tumblr updated its TOS a few years ago.    I miss it dearly.  

I don’t miss the toxic anxiety dump it became, I miss the escapism, the potential it once had to remove me from a hopeless situation and allow me to pontificate about how things ought to be.  I miss the ability to express myself anonymously, warts and all, and not fear being held accountable or publicly shamed for feeling angry and resentful, for admitting that I wanted more than I was entitled to.

When I stopped blogging I tried to find new communities to immerse myself in. I stopped auditioning for the local agency and started training with a local stunt coordinator because the stunt guys seemed to be the only locals getting any work whatsoever.   I switched from Tumblr to Youtube and started down a rabbit hole about Historical European Martial Arts.  I grew my hair and beard out, attempting to assimilate into that subculture.   I stopped applying for jobs and started my own consulting business doing drafting and 3d printing.

I’d like to say that my efforts have improved my situation, economically or otherwise, but alas its more of the same. More auditioning for parts that were already cast long before you ever saw a breakdown.   More skeptical looks and rejection letters whenever I convince myself that I’m broke and have no choice but to find a real job. I’m still treading water, and badly.  

A couple of years ago I started having panic attacks.  I’d gone to visit the highschool girl (now in college) one too many times; panicked because I suddenly felt that I was crossing a line, and abruptly broke off contact .   Then I felt bad about it and started following her on social media, which eventually confirmed my belief that I had hurt her.   I felt guilty about that too, and had another panic attack, so I tried to contact her again and offer an apology, which obviously backfired.   Then every few months I’d have another panic attack and make another ill conceived attempt to fix the situation.

Things came to a head about a year ago.   Each time I tried to reconnect and failed to repair the relationship, my anxiety got progressively worse.  In a last act of desperation, I reached out to a mutual acquaintance who immediately outed me as a crazy person and posted the conversation online.   Nothing had happened, but being forced to confront my own inappropriate behavior and to acknowledge that Google was no longer my friend was embarrassing enough that my anxiety jumped an order of magnitude overnight.   I went from merely not being able to sleep, to not being able to breath or speak.   I wasn’t just depressed, I was  physically ill.  

This convinced me to seek treatment.  About six months ago I started taking medicine for insomnia, anxiety and depression, and also ADHD which I think is the root problem.   The jury is still out as to whether any of its working or whether I actually have any of those issues.  I did switch medicines a while back because the cocktail was making me feel like a listless zombie.  And I have seemed more productive in the past month, but that could be attributed to my impending birthday.

As I’ve reflected over the past few months, I’ve determined that I’d never really given myself a chance as an actor, I’ve always treated it as an embarrassing secret that I don’t like to talk about, and that was one of the things causing me anxiety and potentially caused me to self sabotage any hope of finding full time career with my degree.  

I thought I had long ago made peace with the fact that I was never going to find success as an actor because only those who were born rich, in LA, and with the right connections ever got the opportunity to make movies for a living. But then the young actress I was in a movie with once proved me wrong. She’s not the only one,  I now have a number of acquaintances who work regularly, but in the time since I originally started this blog she has made the leap from depressed, socially awkward, nobody living in their parents house in Cleveland, to something more than that; while I’m still spinning my wheels.   Its a humbling thought and rather than be jealous of her success I’d like to try and emulate it.  

I wanted to make a good faith effort to put myself out there before I turned 35, so I spent the last month filming a demo reel to submit to managers.   If I get no response, that means I suck and I should move on.   And that knowledge is infinitely better than continuing to surround myself with people who tell me what I want to hear but have no power to help me achieve my goals.

Yesterday was my birthday.   I decided it was finally time to watch the movie.    I’d put it off because I didn’t want to burst my bubble.  Originally I was holding out for the premiere,   I wanted to watch it for the first time on the big screen.   Eventually it just became a crutch,  I didn’t want to see it because its my only credit and I’m barely in it.   The reality is the film is good, but the acting isn’t going to win awards.   I can be proud of it as a good first film, an excellent learning experience, and a stepping stone to greater things; which is all it was ever meant to be.   The rest is up to me.

I’ve decided to rededicate this blog to my documenting my career as a struggling actor from Cleveland Ohio.