#she looks a little bit like that barbie turtle thing but i guess we all kind of do lol

[granhairdo]

She laid down the book, caught up a pen, and exclaimed:—

“And I know how to write, too!”

She dipped her pen in the ink, and turning to Marius:—

“Do you want to see? Look here, I’m going to write a word to show you.”

[jjsjuiceboxx]

LOVE TRIANGLE

POPExREADERxTOPPER

REQUESTED FOR: @letsgofullkook

SUMMARY: a love triangle between readerxtopper and readerxpope

⚠️WARNINGS⚠️: underage drinking, smoking, cuss words, angst.

︎A/N- revamping my stuff so I’m just editing for decoration and stuff to make it pop more and draw attention ( no changes to the actual fic ), happy reading :).

☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎

You were currently on hms pogue with John B, Kie, pope, and JJ you were zoning out looking how the suns reflection could be seen from the water of the marsh, you were pulled out of your thoughts when Kie started to talk about the kegger tonight at the boneyard.

“ok so who is going to bring what?“ Kie asked looking to everyone expectantly.

Across the boat you can see JJ smirk “you all already know I’ve got the weed.”

“I’ll have the kegs filled up and take them both to the boneyard.” John B stated

You were about to speak but was cut off suddenly when you felt a cold chill approaching, “hey are you ok y/n?” Pope asked you slightly concerned.

“Yeah dont worry Pope I just got a cold chill suddenly it’s gone now tho.” You smiles sweetly at him for even noticing and then instantly be concerned Pope eyed you suspiciously he could still see chill pumps on your arms so he walked to his bag and pulled out his hoodie, his favorite one that he won’t even let John b or JJ wear.

Instead of Pope handing it to you he put it over your shoulders letting you slip your arms into them then he zipped it up for you, you blushed at the action heart pounding pope smiled at you.

“Really she can wear your hoodie without asking but when we ask nicely you don’t let us? Man I even say please I never say please!” JJ explained shocked

“She isn’t a cluts like John b and doesn’t spill beer everywhere and I cannot have you making my hoodie reek of weed, besides it’s Y/N we are talking about she doesn’t need to ask” Pope state’s non challenger

“Wow pope you’re a changed man.” Kie said laughing at the end and sending a wink your way

You were close with all the pogues but you and kie were the closest gossiping with one another about kooks and the boys while you did face masks and painted each other’s nails she knew you had a crush on pope which is odd considering he isn’t your type but he is so smart and it’s almost mysterious and he isn’t afraid to tell random people he wants to be a coroner and then proceed to tell them facts about what happens after you die and you couldn’t help but catch feelings.

“Wow pope you’re a changed man.” Kie said laughing at the end and sending a wink your way.

☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎ ☮︎

You and the rest of the pogues were now at the boneyard setting up for the kegger kie brought chips and a speaker to blast music, John b had the kegs and was setting them up, JJ sat down on a big fallen tree with his small contribution his weed, pope had a cooler with ice and more drinks inside while you carried a beach chair and solo cups kie also had you pick up straws for some of the beer in the cooler and it HAD to be recyclable.

“Y/N you know even at parties we have to save the turtles and other animals and our only earth.” She said seriously when you went to object she gave you a stern look.

“Yeah yeah....right the straws” you said kinda scared

“recyclable straws recyclable is important” she hollered after you now you were putting the straws on the table and putting solo cups out to be easily grabbed when you saw a few kooks show up a little earlier probably to set up their own beers and what not

But you couldn’t help but think Topper would be here yes he was dating Sarah but he always flirted with you before and during the relationship you at first hated it but one day when he stopped you realized you miss it so you decided the next time you saw him you would flirt first and so you did he then offered to get you a coffee and eat and you really got to know topper not kook topper, he hated pogues and was rude to them but he has never said anything bad about you atleast not to your face he always bullied the others.

As more people showed up you started to get anxious about toppers arrival you knew he was coming he always does the question was when ? And do you go up and talk to him ? When it’s just him and you you guys always talk about real stuff and you see that topper is just like the rest of us just slightly more perfect and put together.

You decided to start getting drunk to calm your nerves once you had two cups you were tipsy still sober enough to remember things and control yourself but a lot more relaxed and care free you saw pope walk away from taking to a girl and decided to dance with him.

“Pope come dance with me I love this song” you said cheerfully while spinning around

“Fine but If you get sick from spinning I’ll be mad” he laughed grabbing your hand

You and pope danced for 30 mins or something laughing and joking around and then suddenly you caught a glimpse of a tall tan boy with frosted tips along with Sarah and Kelce right by his side a slow song was playing and pope had you facing the entrance to the boneyard suddenly you and topper made eye contact he Gave you a slight nod in which you returned with a smile but it suddenly shifted when he looked away shaking his head so pulled back from pope and started taking his hoodie off

“I’m getting hot from all the Dancing I’m gunna grab a drink and cool off” you told him Pope pulled you into a tight hug that lasted about a minute.

“Thank you for dancing with me I’ve always wanted to slow dance with a pretty girl.” Pope stated shyly scratching the back of his head.

“Aww I’ll slow dance with you anytime handsome” you said blushing getting on your tip toes and kissing his cheek letting it linger for a bit you back off seeing him blush under the moonlight you handed him his hoodie and walked to get a drink.

While waiting in the line for a drink you looked up to see Sarah climbing a red buoy and Kelce and topper trying to get her down safely you looked away not wanting to catch their eyes. You hadn’t noticed but topper gave up as Sarah was being rather difficult while kelce climber up with her to pry her hands off the top of the buoy.

You felt a light tap on your shoulder prying your eyes away from John b trying to impress tourons by juggling some beers, your eyes met a pair of eyes you were all familiar with, topper.

“Hey there ken of the outerbanks, hows it hanging in the Barbie dream house?” You questioned amused

Topper laughed at your nickname you gave him “it isn’t the Barbie dream house when she isn’t my Barbie you’re” topper declared

You and topper during many of your hang outs tho you like to calls them private dates where you just talk and laugh he was wearing a bright salmon polo and khaki shorts with a belt and some sperrberrys to match and let out a little chuckle and said he looked like your old ken doll you have “accidently” taken from school, oops.

Topper laughed “ok ok fine I’ll take it but you have to be my Barbie” he said laughing

“Ok I’ll be the Barbie to you ken”

And hence the day the nicknames had been born. By this time it was your turn to get your drink topper took your cup and filled it up and gave it back to you while he did his.

“Wow who knew topper Thornton could be such a gentlemen” you mocked

“Oh haha you’re so funny aren’t you Barbie” topper said sarcastically

You were about to come up with a remark when he suddenly turned to you stopping you in your tracks looking at you seriously.

“Hey can we like uh talk somewhere?” He questioner awkwardly.

“Yeah of course top Ik a good place” you motioned him to follow you in a set of bushes near the woods looking around once you got there for any horny drunk teens only to find none.

“Is everything ok topper? You’re never really serious unless something is wrong” you said worrying you know a conversation with topper was serious when you said his name and not a nickname.

“I know you’re friends with pope and I’m with Sarah but I can’t talk to Sarah or rafe and Kelce the way I can with you I feel like the real me I had forgotten about and you help me find it again, I don’t know I guess I got slightly jealous seeing you dance with Pope and laughing while wearing his hoodie” topper said quickly

You put your hands on either side of his cheek making him look you in the eyes you stared at him in an adoring way “topper I feel the same but I’m a pogue you’re a kook even though we understand one another not everyone can see it that way, I mean rafe could unfriend you Sarah wouldn’t be around and I don’t want you to lose that because of me” you said softly

“I know I know it just sucks because I do really like you I want To be with you, don’t get me wrong I like Sarah too but I feel pressured because of my parents saying and putting words into my head makes me wonder if I really like her or if I just think I do, but one thing for sure I know I like you” topper stated stepping closer

By this time Sarah was looking for topper him being gone far to long for “getting a drink” when she neared the keg topper was no where insight “hey kie I know you hate me but have you seen topper? He was getting drinks and now he is gone” Sarah explained looking around

“ I saw him walk down the beach following someone too dark to tell who, I know what you’re thinking that I’m saying that to upset you like or whatever but I’m not” kie defended rolling her eyes.

“No I can tell when your lying I believe you thank you” Sarah said walking off in the direction joe pointed too.

“Topper I like you too but I don’t know how this could work and I don’t want to hurt you saying this but I also like pope but we don’t flirt nearly as much as we do he doesn’t know I like him” you said looking down not wanting to hurt him

“ hey hey it’s ok friends who spend all the time together are bound to catch feelings whether it’s one sided or not I’m not upset thank you for being honest” he said smiling softly tucking some hair behind your ear you smiled leaning into his soft touch.

Pope was a little further down the beach then Sarah was pope sat in front of the fire with a marshmallow on a stick while John b laughed at pope trying to teach JJ how to roast a perfect marshmallow for the worlds best s’mores, “JJ you need to hold both hands one on top of the other at the bottom of the stick and then push your marshmallow down at the top till the stick poked through the marshmallow so it won’t fall into the fire and waste the marshmallow, then you hold it just above the flames. No not like that it’s too close you will catch the marshmallow on fire....again. Now you wait 5 mins then rotate it to the other side and then wait 5 mins and do the same all over so it gets a perfect brown shade don’t catch it on fire because one it’s bitter two it is a lot more hot and three some sparks could be left on it that you can’t see and will burn the shit out of your tongue possible 2nd degree burn that grants a hospital visit now you see mine is perfectly brown on all sides now you take your graham crackers and put the marshmallow on one then the chocolate then you sandwich it all together like so and bam you’ve got yourself the worlds best s’more” Pope said with a chefs kiss after he did a technical tutorial on the proper way to make a smore for the poor boy who has never learned how.

“Eww mine looks like toe cheese” JJ said grimacing.

“ I don’t want to know why you know that man.” John b said watching it play out amusingly.

“Just eat it JJ it’s good the best ever honestly, off topic have you seen y/n I havnt seen her in 30 mins” pope asked curiously

“Aww pope you have a crush on the baby pogue” JJ said teasingly

“JJ leave him alone who cares if he likes her damn, but uh I saw her walk the way” John b Pointed in the direction you had went

Pope stood up nodding his head going in that direction to look for the girl he was soo in love with still ahead of Sarah.

You could feel the tension between you and topper being so close to one another he started to lean on slowly and you did too not being in control of your body you were so lost in his eyes your lips finally touched and it was slow and passionate and it felt like time has stopped just as it was getting more heated you heard a twig snap and looked behind topper to see a wide eyed pope standing there.

“ y/n....what’s going on why are you kissing topper ???” Pope asks shocked

“I..I” you stuttered startled that pope who you like caught you kissing another guy you also like

“Topper you there?” You heard Sarah’s voice from behind a tree

“He’s right here” Pope deadpanned looking you straight in the eye

“ topper there yo- what are you two doing?” Sarah asked confused

“We were just talking babe.” Topper said softly

“Yeah If by talking you mean tongues in each other’s mouths” pope said angrily

Sarah stares between you and topper shocked “is..is this true topper?” Sarah asked quietly when topper looked down and didn’t say anything she knew her answer.

“Wow and after all I’ve told you about my past and you do this, you told me you loved me” Sarah said walking away.

“Pope look I ca-“ you were cut off by pope speaking

“No no you don’t get to talk right now, I thought you liked me? I know you never said it but I can pick up some ques, I gave you my favorite hoodie so you were warm I danced with you and I stood for an hour waiting for you and you never showed. Was I just a toy for you to use when topper isn’t here?” Pope asked sad

“What no of course not I like you a lot Pope I really do, but I also like topper as well and I’m so confused I don’t know why or how anything would work with any of us with the no pogue on pogue macking rule and the whole kook vs pogue thing I...I just don’t know” you said ashamed

“Wow, you were just talking shit about topper the other day and now you like him? I’m sorry y/n I can’t do this right now you don’t like me because if you did you wouldn’t have has another guy so pick topper” Pope said tears in his eyes leaving the seen fast.

You looked at topper tears running down your face he immediately wrapped you In his arms rubbing your head as a loud sob shot out of your body and a bunch of oh my gods.

“Hey hey it’s ok just let him cool down and then you can speak it him rationally I’m not mad you like us both I get it all I ask is that you give me a chance and Pope too and then when you’re ready you can choose who you want or choose neither of us” topper said reassuringly.

You pulled out of his embrace nodding your head as you wiped your tears away planning on what to tell pope when everything is calmed down.

[llama-milk-for-the-egg-nog]

Thoughts on Mulan (2020)

Ok so I had heard some stuff beforehand about this movie, but I didn’t wanna let that tint my experience too much, though it kind of did in the form of noticing western influence on certain things. Here’s a list of thoughts more or less in chronological order.  First I wrote these in a notebook, and now I’m putting them here.

The beginning sequence reminds me so much of Kung Fu Huslte

though honestly it might just be that stephen chow’s movies are pretty much the extent of chinese-made media that I watch

Rosalind Chao is here, I’m a Keiko O’Brien stan so she reminded me of DS9

Fa Zhou saying something about “emissary” also reminded me of DS9

The music where the rourans first attack is cool I guess

idk if the brass made the music of the imperial city sound kinda western or what, but it certainly did sound militaristic (which I guess it’s supposed to)

Why does mulan have a little sister instead of a little brother? to add more female characters to the story? she doesn’t really do much though

After mulan’s whole childhood sequence, it cuts to a shot of the witch in the desert, which if you didn’t already know the story, might make it seem like mulan grew up to be the witch

although this makes some sense too bc the movie likes to compare them

the witch twists into a hawk (?), neat!

I saw people earlier comment about both men and women in china (and other parts of the world) keeping their hair long, so when mulan’s hair fell out of place in the matchmaker scene it made me notice that both the men and women also wear their hair up, which in turn causes the part of the movie later when mulan emerges after the avalanche to make way less sense since how would they know she’s a woman?

ok this is the thing I’m upset about, its a small thing but still, Why don’t we get to see the sword form?? If you remember in the animated version, her father does this straight sword form. (It’s a real form, not just made up for the animated movie). So I was like “ok maybe mulan will do it later” and then it NEVER HAPPENED. (possibly she did it during the “make a man out of you” training sequence, but the odd camera angels and quick cutaways make it impossible to tell)

I also had heard earlier that the script was not subtle at all,,,y’all were right

oh look, a phoenix

mulan: “the phoenix”

yes, we know

Commander Donnie Yen Tung’s entrance is iconic

BAHAHFHDSK mulan’s reaction to seeing naked men skjfdk

uh oh,,only 40 minutes in and the forced romance is already upon us

although, in retrospect, the way they resolved it at the end didn’t make me cringe that much

I’m a slut for butterfly kicks

the scene where mulan bathes in the lake has a much more predatory undertone now, especially now that Ling, Chien Po, and Yao are missing

the trio made the scene funny in the animated movie

can the not-Li-Shang-love-interest Honghui please leave Jun/Mulan alone?? ffs

speaking of no Li Shang, I liked the Donnie Yen mentor character half better than the Honghui half

Honghui kind of comes off as a simp ngl

what’s with the witch’s makeup/outfit? are they based on something?

speaking of outfits, awhile ago, I saw a really cool doll alteration video for mulan 2020

Commander Tung’s monologue/ mulan’s and the army’s training sequence about Chi where the words “Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within” are spoken is actually my favorite part of the whole movie. As much as I would have liked a musical remake, I think they translated the visual elements and the words together well in a way that was different enough from the animated version, but still satisfying to watch (at least for me).

They also integrate the music of Reflection here really well imho.  In the animated version, there’s a point where mulan modulates to a higher key, but the live action version doesn’t do that, which further pushes it away from sounding like disney’s classic musical theatre style.  They also changed a few of the notes, and I think the overall changes to Reflection in this part of the movie really improve this montage.

Compared to the Spiderman where they changed the notes from harmonic minor to (normal) minor (idk if that’s the real term I’m not actually a music major) in the MCU opening sequence, the note changes in Reflection don’t actually upset me.

my brain: oh look!! flowers!! cool! whooshhhh (honestly I couldn’t even tell if she was doing flowers right in the first part of the movie until here)

Mulan/Jun is gonna marry Commander Tung’s daughter? Yeah girl!! Get it!

oh look at me I’m a rouran and I gotta turn around on my moving horse to shoot arrows let me just swoOP

1:01:56 WHY ARE YOUR FINGERS IN FRONT OF THE HILT oh ok they fixed in the next shot but its still annoying

Unsubtle phoenix imagery not subtle

I guess I was warned about it :/

oh look its my fav interval a major 7th, I wonder if that’s supposed to be like “the last step before rebirth/the octave” bc of how Jun “dies” after the witch throws a weapon that gets stuck in her chest binding

at least she’s not using ace bandages or smth but idk much about binding

WHY ARE YOU THROWING OFF ALL YOUR ARMOR WHEN YOU’RE GOING INTO BATTLE? ACCEPTING AND PRESENTING YOURSELF AS WHO YOU REALLY ARE DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF YOUR ARMOR

ok I know it was so she would be visually distinguishable from the other imperial soldiers, but still

the soldiers doing the turtle thing with their shields reminds me of the “we irritating 😂😂😂” meme

brass to signify that mulan is going to have a heroic moment (causing the avelanche) seems western to me. Idk much about traditional chinese instruments but it seems like they could use more of those.

Guys,,,I’m so fucking stupid I- .... it took me an hour and ten minutes to register the Lucky Cricket stand-in character,,,excuse me,,,,

the scene where mulan saves hongui and puts her hand over his heart gives me r*ylo vibes and I hate it

the witch, 1:14:40: “🎵yes I~ am a girl like you~🎵”

damn the music even reminds of the barbie movie a bit

The emperor’s voice reminds me of the mentor character from Kung Pow Enter the Fist which in itself was a western guy making fun of old cheesy martial arts movies (and how movies sometimes have a white male protagonist when they’re deadass set in asia and everyone else is asian)

the mentor characters voice was dubbed into english (and you can tell) but to me the emperor’s voice also kinda sounds like that

I’m disappointed that we didn’t get some kind of scene like the part in the animated verison where Mulan leads Ling, Chien Po, and Yao to cross dress to help save the emperor.

to me, that scene in the animated ver. is a reminder that it isn’t shameful for men to act/dress feminine

in general the animated version, to me, sends the message that it is ok to have both feminine and masculine traits, and that they don’t undermine each other or your identity, so they should all be embraced as a part of one’s personality (which tbh really helped me as a young kid)

the 2020 ver,, just doesn’t really send that message, instead its more broad like “be true to yourself”

I’m a slut for butterfly kicks

the witch taking an arrow for mulan really didn’t do it for me tbh, it made her seem a little wishy washy

like, I get that she wanted acceptance/validation, and that a part of her was glad that mulan found that for herself, but what about the rest of her motivation? Isn’t a desire for power or something what separates her from mulan?

Unsubtle phoenix imagery and dialogue is unsubtle

The music playing during the Mulan v. Khan duel reminds me of Duel of the Fates

actually the setting of the duel and other things really remind of of the Maul v. Ahsoka duel from Clone Wars s7

damn I really wanna watch the Maul v. Ahsoka duel cause the fight choreo is just,, so much more interesting

aww! Cricket is alive!

Around 1:34:39 , the music does not feel like it should be building up to Reflection here.  At this point, I think the melody had been reprised too many times and was getting to be overused (I still like it in the training sequence though).

I was happy to see Ming Na Wen!

Mulan is going home and ugh! Honghui! Don’t you know she’s betrothed to Commander Tung’s daughter? smh. homewrecker simp.

the matchmaker reminds me of Baron Harkonnen (Dune)

cheezy credits song is cheezy, even cheezier because they reprised reflection again

[kimonobeat]

aiko bon “Profile interview” Chapter 1 (Part 3/3)

ーWould you say you were a pretty precocious child?

aiko: I think so. In kindergarten I’d kiss other kids in tunnels I made out of cardboard boxes. (laughs) Like, a boy would come from the other end of the box and I’d kiss him. I’d also paint my nails in secret with my mom’s nail polish, or put her lipstick on. One day I was shaving the hair off my legsーI was copying my momーand ended up covered in blood. I tried to hide it by getting the bathtub, but it didn’t really go as planned. That got covered in blood too. My mom caught me while I was toweling myself off and asked, “What happened!?” And I said, “Hm? Nothing.” (laughs)

ーBecause in your head, you were just playing a little game.

aiko: Exactly! But the games I played were games boys would play. Most of the little kids who lived in our apartment complex were boys. I never once had a Licca doll or a Barbie doll. I mostly played outside games: tag, hide-and-seek, kick the can, skateboarding, roller skating, soccer, baseball, softball, catching cicadas, catching sparrows, stuff like that. All the toys people bought me were squirt guns and other ‘boy’ toys. The one ‘girly’ thing I had was a Little Twin Stars moon set. When I was alone inside the house, I used to play this game called “Robot Q”. Or I’d play records on my record player, or read the “Karasu no Panya-san (The Crow’s Bakery)” picture books. I mostly played outside though. I always came home from kindergarten just before my dad was leaving for work, so sometimes he’d ask me if I wanted to go to the amusement park. If I said yes, he’d take me! Once summer came around, he’d take me to the beach and the mountains too.

ーDid you play any ‘girly’ games at all? Like playing ‘mommy’.

aiko: Nope. I played in the mud almost every single time it rained. You know, like making mud pies. I loooved how mushy mud felt in my hands. I never really ever wanted dress-up dolls or anything like that.

ーYou really were like a little boy.

aiko: I was, huh? I liked coloring too, though. You know those things they sell at Volks? The ones where all you have to do is just dot the color on, get it wet, and then you can paint with it? I used to do that a lot. I don’t really remember much about playing inside because I was always running around outside though… Oh, that reminds me! I used to play this game while listening to English songs on my record player where I tried to write down what I thought they were on saying on a piece of paper. I think that was when I was in elementary school? I’d listen to the song and write down the English words in katakana. I didn’t know how to write the ‘tu’ sound in Japanese when writing out the word ‘tomorrow’ though, [because there’s no ‘tu’ sound in Japanese]. I remember really fretting about it. “T… t… huh?” (laughs)

ーI’m sure you played a lot of pranks too, given how lively of a kid you were.

aiko: I did! Well, they were more like games than pranks, but oftentimes my parents ended up getting mad at me. For example, one time I was playing with a pachinko set my grandma bought me. My mom called me, and when I turned around she saw something shiny in my nose. She got so flustered. Turns out my whole nose was stuffed with pachinko balls! She went, “Oh my GOODNESS!” and took all the balls out of both sides of my nose, one at a time. Apparently when I fell asleep that night, I was making a strange sound and breathing really hard all night. She took one more look and saw that I had even MORE in my nose.

ーHow did she get them out?

aiko: We went to the hospital. It was a huuuge ordeal. I kept crying, “Chop (stop) it! Chop it, chop it!” so they couldn’t get them out. My dad told me that eventually he just said, “Give her to me!”, snatched the tweezers from the doctor’s hands, and took them out himself. I used to think that was why my nose is turned up like this. (laughs) My grandma went home during all this hubbub because she was upset. My dad had yelled at her about buying a little kid something like that. I wondered why I didn’t see her around, but that was because she’d gone home silently even though it wasn’t her fault at all. There were a couple of times when I tried to find out how long my nose would bleed too. It was summer break and I had a ton a free time, so I just decided to find out how long my nose would bleed if I let it. It trickled onto my desk and made a whole pool of blood. But then it didn’t stop bleeding even after a long time had passed, so I quit because I thought I was gonna die. Other than that… I ate too much liver once and had to take an ambulance to the hospital.

ーWhat happened!?

aiko: Nothing, I literally just ate too much. (laughs) I’ve loved liver ever since I was a little kid. I had some liver that my dad had chopped up. We were cutting each other’s pieces… my dad totally set me up for failure! I ate a WAY bigger portion than any little kid should’ve eaten and started having convulsions, so they called an ambulance. I remember them taking me to the hospital and crying, “Daaaddy, I don’t, I don’t wanna die!” (laughs)

ーYou were a pretty amazing kid. (laughs) What were your eating habits and favorite foods when you were little?

aiko: My parents were pretty strict about what I ate. They didn’t let me eat a whole lot of junk food. I got to have instant ramen every Saturday, but that was about it. At our house, the only kind of juice I got to drink were the ‘100% fruit’ kind, and the only snacks were like rice crackers and yogurt. Basically, we didn’t eat sweets that much at our house. We really didn’t have anything ‘just for kids’. Aside from them leaving the wasabi off of my sushi, I ate the same exact things as my parents. I got to have a lick of beer almost every day because of that. (laughs) I’d be like, “Gimme!” and I’d get to lick the foam off the top. My dad also brought me to a bunch of different places throughout my childhood so that I’d learn about all kinds of food. So like, I’m serious, I’ve been eating soft-shelled turtle since I was a little kid. They never gave me sweet curry just because I was a kid either. The curry my parents made was nice and spicy. That’s the reason why I like bar snacks so much now, I think. You know, like atarime, nuta, kinpira, ohitashi.

ーWas there anything in particular you really loved or hated?

aiko: I LOVED the omelettes my mom made for me. She put potatoes, onion and sweetened ground meat in them; I loved ‘em. And what I hated? My dad made me eat raw bell pepper he’d sliced into rings and covered with dried bonito flakes and soy sauce almost every night. He’d also make this super sour dish of cucumbers and seaweed in a mixture of vinegar, water and sesame oil. They were so horribly sour that I’d cry like a big baby every time I ate them. I wasn’t a huge fan of nattou or carrots either. And, since I wasn’t used to eating them, I’d feel so gross after eating potato chips because of all the oil. Yeah, you heard me. I was a little kid who couldn’t eat potato chips OR cake. They gave me heartburn. (laughs)

ーSo you didn’t have any cake at birthday parties either, or… ?

aiko: Nah. I’d blow the candles out, eat a little bit, and immediately feel awful. Everyone else would be eating cake while I was off to the side eating ochazuke. (laughs) I like rice and udon noodles quite a bit though. I also loved flour. One of my favorite things to do was make these thick okonomiyaki with just onion in it, almost like a crepe.

ーSounds like you were really big into Japanese food!

aiko: Yes I was. Ever since I was little, any time I went to my grandma’s house I’d just slurp up a bunch of nukazuke. Then, I’d eat dinner with pickled mustard leaves. I really loved umeboshi too. One time I ate 18 of them while watching “Toyama no Kin-san” on TV. (laughs)

ーWhen they said you could eat whatever you wanted, what did you ask for back then?

aiko: I’d say, “Volks”! (laughs) Volks was a reward for me because I’d always ask to go. I still like that place, especially their corn soup. Some Volks locations have a soup bar with consomme, minestrone, you name it. They’re more about soup more than they are their steaks to me.

ーDid you have anything problems eating school lunches?

aiko: The food they served at school was just eh. I was the type of kid who took so long to eat that I’d still be eating while everyone else was starting to clean the lunch room. I was always begging my friends to eat some of my food too. I’d say, “Wow, you eat so fast! I wish could be like you. You’re so awesome!! Mind eating this too?” to get them to eat my food. (laughs) Not only was I a slow eater, they also served a lot of food I hated since I didn’t really like kiddy food… Like, I hated cream stew. I’d never eaten spaghetti with meat sauce either because we only ate mentaiko spaghetti at my house. (laughs) Butter and margarine were too greasy for me and would give me heartburn, so I didn’t like that. Didn’t like milk much either. The thing I liked the most at school lunch was brown sugar bread, or stuff like tangerine jelly cups. I liked their yakisoba a lot too.

ーSo basically, you hated over half of it.

aiko: Yeah, I guess so. But when I was in elementary school, you had to stand up in front of the class and say why you didn’t finish your food at lunchtime. I mean, the real reason I didn’t finish it was because I hated it. (laughs) I’d just lie and say something like, “My stomach hurts, so I left behind one piece of bread.” That was a pretty cruel thing to do, now that I think about it.

ーWas that the only sweet thing you liked? Anything else?

aiko: Ohhh, I used to love eating the warabimochi seller that came every day in the summertime. He’d come singing this song that went “Warabiiimochi, warabiiimochiii, so coooool and refreshiiing, how about some warabimochiii?” His warabimochi melted on your tongue so fast it was almost like water. He also put a TON of kinako on it. I used to love that so much. I still like warabimochi and abekawa mochi to this day.

ーSounds like you did a lot of lessons as a kid too?

aiko: Yes I did, because I told them I wanted to do every lesson that caught my eye. Swimming, piano, English, abacus, calligraphy, and… Kumon, I think? That way I had something to do just about every day. I’m fine at starting things, but then it was hard to find a time to quit, and then my parents wouldn’t let me quit either. Not that I was going to a foreign university or anything, but it was kinda like that: easy to get in, hard to graduate from. (laughs) I did all those lessons my entire childhood because of that.

ーThese were all things you’d said you wanted to do, right?

aiko: The only one my dad made me do was swimming lessons. One of my dad’s friend’s kids drowned at the beach and went into cardiac arrest. They managed to revive him with CPR, but he made me go because he was worried about my safety if I didn’t know how to swim. At first I was so scared of the water that I’d throw a big crying fitー“NO! I DON’T WANT TO!”ーand cry next to the pool. After the third time, I swam so much I’d even cut in line waiting for my turn to swim again. I’d swim around saying, “Mom, look at me!” (laughs) I said I wanted to do all the other lessons besides swimming but would always focus too hard on the way I looked doing it instead of the fundamentals. Like sitting up straight while doing calligraphy. (laughs) I asked to do Kumon too, but I had a ton of homework almost as soon as I started. I really wasn’t sure if I could do it all, but I didn’t want them to get mad at me for quitting, so I just put up with it and kept going anyway.

ーDid you want to do piano lessons too?

aiko: I did. At first, anyway. (laughs) I started when I was 3 years old, and my hands were so tiny that I couldn’t actually play the piano. We just used paper cards instead. Like, the piano teacher would ask me, “What is this one?” and I’d say, “A ‘ti’ in treble clef.” And then they’d ask, “How about this one?” and I’d say, “A ‘mi’ in bass clef.” Just practicing how to read music. I liked when I was eventually to play the piano itself. By early elementary school I’d already learned a lot and was pretty sick of it. My teacher did one-on-one lessons with two Yamaha pianos facing each other. Sounds like a lot of pressure, right? So I’d say my ‘I wanna quit’ feeling was at its peak in first grade. It was like Pavlov’s dogs almost: I got sleepy every time I even touched the piano. (laughs). I was like, falling asleep, drooling on the keyboard while practicing.

ーDid your parents get mad at you whenever you did that?

aiko: Ohhh yeah, they’d really rip into me. If my mom heard the piano go silent while she was in the kitchen doing dishes, I’d hear her stop washing dishes and yell, “AIKOOO!” She’d go back to cleaning when she heard me start playing again. After a little while I’d stop playing and fall asleep… Then she’d come into the piano room and say, “Aiko?” And of course I’d get in trouble. (laughs) I did piano lessons up until I was in 4th grade. I think I got up to doing “Sonachine”. I don’t remember any of it though.

ーDid you hate doing piano recitals at all?

aiko: Maybe. I don’t think I liked doing them much. I’m pretty sure I’d walk on stage to where the piano was, but then I’d skip off the stage when I was done. Like, “Phew, I’m done!” (laughs) I remember everyone laughing at me for skipping back to my seat.

ーYou weren’t really interested in getting attention as a kid, but you didn’t mind getting it, did you? (laughs)

aiko: I think so? I did English lessons up until I was in early elementary school too, but the older kids would always pick on me. They’d ambush me on my way to and from lessons to pick on me. According to my dad, I was real down in the dumps because of it. So he told me to fight back. “If you get in a fight, and something happens to you,” he said, “I’ll take your side.” He said my mood did a total 180 after he told me that. (laughs)

ーWere you the kind of kid who’d get into fights with boys?

aiko: Yeah, all the time. I even practiced how to punch correctly with my dad. Early in elementary school I wanted to try it out in real life just once. I landed a pretty solid hit on a  boy who kept picking on me on the way home from school. (laughs) For a moment I was like, “What have I done!?” But then the boy just got really quiet and went home. In fact, my friends would call out my name so I’d come over whenever they were fighting with a boy. I guess I must’ve seemed pretty manly to them.

ーDo you think that was because there were a lot of boys around you?

aiko: Maybe? All the kids in the apartment complex we lived in at the time were boys. I’d say there were 2 or 3 boys who were about 4 years older than me, a boy who was about my age, and a girl who was a year younger than me.

ーHow was kindergarten? Were you a handful for your teacher?

aiko: Hmmm… I used to say whatever was on my mind, so in that sense… probably. (laughs) I didn’t think twice about saying things that ended up being problems for the PTA.

ーLike, you stood out a lot in class?

aiko: I did whatever I wanted to. (laughs) Oh, speaking of standing out, one time I was the main character of a play we did. It was a story about a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, kind of like “The Ugly Duckling”. In the beginning, everyone’s mean to the caterpillar: “Ew, you’re dirty! Gross! A caterpillar! Shoo!” The caterpillar wonders why it’s so different from everyone else. Then it gets its wings, and it turns out that the ‘caterpillar’ is really a swallowtail butterfly. I was the main character of that story… I really was an oddball.

ーAn oddball, huh? (laughs)

aiko: Yup. But you know, now that I think about it, of course I am-- I’m my parents’ daughter after all. ‘Like father, like son’, right? They’ve got totally different personalities, and I’m a mix of all the good things about them. I think about that a lot. My mom and dad were meant for each other... We used to have a lot of pets at our house even though my mom hates animals. I’m not sure what was going on then, exactly. (laughs) We had almost 100 birds.

ー100 birds!? Can you even do that in an apartment building?

aiko: No, they weren’t supposed to have them. We just kept them a secret. We had an American short-hair cat at first, but had to return it to the pet shop when the landlord found out. But guess who didn’t learn their lesson? We had a Shih tzu after that. The Shih tzu was so attached to our landlord that he just said, “Fine, but keep it a secret, okay?” The whole apartment building became officially ‘pet-friendly’ after he gave us the OK. (laughs) He said he changed it because we were his very first tenants to move in. Soon enough there were so many pets in the building, it was almost like a pet exchange. People were saying stuff like, “Here, I’d like to give you a turtle.” (laughs)

ーBack to the 100 birds you guys had though…

aiko: We had Java sparrows, society finches, canaries, and Gouldian finches; crucian carp, koi fish, snakeheads, ranchu, shrimp, eels, pond loaches, catfish, Japanese rice fish, crayfish, turtles, and crabs in our aquarium; a Shih tzu and a mutt, as well as a hamster and a rhinoceros beetle.

ーA rhinoceros beetle? (laughs)

aiko: Yes. (laughs) They’re always selling them at Expoland whenever I go there. I hate bugs now but was totally fine with them back then. We also kept cicada larvae at our house. I used to watch them emerge from their shells.

ーWhere do you even keep all these pets, anyway?

aiko: Out on the veranda. Which is why their veranda always looked like a jungle, even though it was super tiny. The left side of the veranda was the corner where we kept the fish, the right side was the corner where we had all the bird cages stacked on top of each other. You go inside, and that’s where we kept the dogs and the hamster. The ranchu swam around in the entryway of the apartment. My dad took good care of all of them, every single day.

ーDid you have any pets that were sort of weird, or unusual to have as pets?

aiko: Hm… Well, we never had any reptiles… Maybe the flying squirrel? We also had… what was it… we had piranhas and such too.

ーI wouldn’t keep one of those as a pet. (laughs)

aiko: Well, we didn’t think anything of it! My dad got so excited watching them grow. He had so much fun taking care of the piranhas. (laughs)

Read more Previous « Index » Next

[yuribalisms]

So someone told me that gender roles weren’t harmful at all, have never harmed anyone, and will never harm anyone. Well y’all better buckle the fuck up because it’s story time. When I was four years old, my immediate family (mom, grandparents, aunt, and uncle) moved from Texas to Illinois to be closer to the rest of our family. Now, my family is fricken huge, ‘kay? The smallest number of kids anyone has is 3 and most people have somewhere between 5-7, and everyone’s super freakishly close. You know your 3rd, 4th, etc. cousins just as well as you know your siblings. And one of the main ways that our family kept the kids separated and managed was by gender. The girls played with the girls, and the boys played with the boys. Of course, when we first moved, little four year old me was super excited I got to see my cousins more than once or twice a year now. For the first couple months no one really cared if I was with the boys or the girls. But it didn’t take long for the moms to start shoving me off towards the girls. It made me upset that, in a sense, I wasn’t “allowed” to do things with the boys but I was raised to keep my mouth shut and do as I was told or else I was getting punished, so I complied. Making me hang out with only girls was bad enough, but then the actual dreaded gender roles began to get forced upon me. Now, I was a strange kid. I knew how to read by the time I was 2 and I liked watching documentaries rather than cartoons. I also really liked animals and the outdoors. The only toys I had/wanted were little plastic animals that I would often take outside and play in the mud with. My mom had gotten me a few dolls and the like but once she realized I didn’t care for them, she didn’t try to force them on me. However, the rest of my family was a different story. I remember them painting my nails bright pink even though I asked them not to, they would get onto me for going out to find turtles in the ponds with the boys. This went on for several years and I was a stubborn kid, I was gonna do what I liked as long as I knew it wasn’t wrong, so of course I didn’t let any of that change me. But when I was around the age of 9/10 it started to get really bad. That was when the other kids started realizing I was weird and that I wasn’t like them. Soon, the girls didn’t want me around because I wouldn’t play house or barbies and asked them not to use their cheap makeup kits on me. They started to take advantage of me because I was a year or two younger than them and they knew I was gullible and desperate for friends. They played tricks on me, lied to me, and often left me out of things without it being noticeable enough for them to get in trouble. This went on for a while, slowly making me more upset and demolishing any confidence or pride I had in myself. I was weird and I would never have friends. Obviously, my mom had started to notice these things and even though she pushed me to still have a decent relationship with my female cousins, she started going out of her way to see that I got to spend time with the boys rather than the girls. For a while, it worked. I got to play video games and catch frogs and run around in the cow fields using sticks as sword. Of course, I still got left out of things. The one that upset me the most happened when I was 10. Once a year, all the boys and their dads would go on a week long camping trip and do outdoorsy stuff and ride four wheelers and play paintball so on and so forth. The boys wanted me to go and of course, being the stupid kid that I was, I got excited because I thought I was going to get to go. It sounded so fun, and I was even more excited by the fact that everyone got to go with their dads (I didn’t really have a dad, I had a step-dad at that time but he treated me and my mom like garbage and one of my cousin’s dads treated me like one of his kids so I was looking forward to going with that family). You can probably guess what happened. All the adults told me “You can’t go. You’re a girl!” I cried for hours before my mom could console me. Then the women felt bad and set up a “girls weekend” and at first I got excited until I found out it was a shopping/spa weekend. Besides the fact that that sounded miserable to me, I couldn’t have gone even if I wanted to because we were really pressed for money and couldn’t just go on a shopping weekend. But save for a few incidents like that, things were looking up. And then at about 11, the boys hit that stage of “Ew, you’re a girl. You shouldn’t even like this stuff,” and it all started over again. I “thought” like a boy so the girls didn’t want me and I “looked” like a girl so the boys didn’t want me. Now, you’re probably wondering, Hey, what about kids not in your family? Surely they were better? Yeah, um, no. I was homeschooled (because of me being so advanced and the public schools refusing to move me up) so these were literally the only children I knew. My mom realized she had to do something. I was crying almost every day over it and had had several panic attacks about no one ever liking me because I wasn’t girl enough to be a girl. So she started getting me involved with kids outside the family. Good intentions but it backfired, mostly because of me. After so long of thinking I was too weird and my cousins making fun of me, I was too scared to really even talk to other kids because I thought they wouldn’t like me either. But in little 11 year old me’s mind, they didn’t talk to me because they somehow knew I was different, not because I was too nervous to start a conversation. This just made me more upset so my mom stopped trying. That was when I got super into reading because most book characters were weird like me and they weren’t ever going to not like me. This lasted about a year and then my mom got super worried that I wouldn’t socialize at all. So she shoved me back at my cousins again. Most of the boys were okay with me at that point but I could tell they still kinda wished I wasn’t around. The girls, well, they were starting to go through their boy crazy phase, which was only encouraged by their mothers (”When are you gonna get a date?” “Oh, you’re so pretty, I’m sure all the boys will be fawning over you”). So of course I got dragged into this. It just confused me because I didn’t understand why you needed a date or even knew how you felt that way towards someone (news flash, little me, that was cuz ur ace af) but just the pressure to start dating someone made me very uncomfortable and it started to make me angry, especially because I never heard the boys be pressured to get girlfriends and that wasn’t fair. After just turning 13 I started realizing and understanding things and this made me angrier and angrier so I isolated myself from pretty much anyone my age because they must have all been this stupid and awful. It made me mean. Writing was about the only thing I enjoyed anymore and if I hadn’t had that I honestly don’t know what would have happened to me. I started to hate my family. This went on for about half a year and then I started high school, my first time in public school and I was a nervous, snappish, prickly wreck. And no one talked to me. Nada. Not for the entire first month. This just reinforced my fears that I would never have friends. Then, all of a sudden, it seemed like I had friends. People that genuinely liked me, weird bits and all, they invited me to do things and listened to me. One of the girls (she’s now one of my best friends) admitted to me that the reason she stayed away from me at first was because one of my cousins that had started public school in the 8th grade had told her I was weird and that she should stay away from me. My friend said after she actually talked to me she really liked me and didn’t know what my cousin meant but it didn’t take her long to realize what had happened. After getting those first couple friends, it really helped me accept myself again. It was okay to like girl things and boy things and weird things. I made lots of friends because I started to act pleasantly again. I still have most of these friends and they have no idea what they did for me or how much they mean to me. I still don’t get along with my cousins. A rare few apologized when they got older after realizing what they had been like (mostly the boys) and I’ve gotten closer to them in the past year, but for the most part, the rest of them are just as bad, if not worse, because now I have more friends than most of them. But yeah, it took me nearly seven years to realize what gender roles did. And it took me nearly three years to recover from what they had done to me. So yeah, don’t tell me that gender roles can’t harm anyone because they nearly destroyed my childhood. Don’t tell me that they’re just a thing that isn’t enforced and shouldn’t be worried about. Don’t tell me they can’t hurt anyone, because I know I’m not the only little kid who they hurt, that I’m the only person who has a story like this. 

So yeah, sorry about the super long post, rant over, but yeah, I thought this should be shared. 

[scripturient-manipulator]

Get To Know The Blogger (it’s a tag game)

Thank you @the-bookdevourer​!

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged.

LAST: Last drink: Root beer, not my favorite brand but still good Last phone call: Talking to one of my closest friends (my ex) because he was freaking out about life being super hard right now Last text message: to my study partner making sure we were studying American Sign Language today before class Last song you listened to: Guns And Ships from Hamilton Last time I cried: Like four days ago getting my wand at Harry Potter World

HAVE YOU EVER: Dated someone twice: Nope! Been cheated on: Nah Kissed someone and regretted it: Oh yes, two someones. One immediately because it was my first kiss and he surprised me, and one weeks later Lost someone special: In the death sense? Yes, all of my grandparents have died and I loved two of them Been depressed: I’ve had depression since puberty started, so absolutely Been drunk and thrown up: Nope and I never plan to

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU: Made a new friend: Yes! Like three! That’s a huge accomplishment for me and it makes me so happy Fallen out of love: Yup, nothing dramatic but yes. Laughed until you cried: No. Laughing is fun but I’m unused to doing it so like my face will get tired from smiling after a little bit Met someone who changed you: Yes, two someones actually, they’re soulmates so you can’t have one powerhouse without the other Found out who your true friends were: Oh yes, it tends to happen. Especially in the college years with high school friends Found out someone was talking about you: Not in a bad way, but yes. It tends to happen when friends are worried about you GENERAL: How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: Like six? One I don’t talk to anymore though. Do you have any animals? Ohhh yes, I have my Emotional Support Animal who’s the best kitty ever, three other cats, a turtle, a horsse, and three dogs. I desperately want rats again too and also an axolotl. Do you want to change your name?: Nah, I really like how my first middle and last names all flow into one another, it’s pretty What time did you wake up this morning?: Well I either slept through my alarm or woke up and turned it off, so I woke up at 11:20 when class started at eleven What were you doing last night?: Chilling. It’s been ridiculously busy in the last week, so after a club meeting (I’m vice president of our LGBT+ club on campus) I just hung out in my room and cashed in a freebie homework assignment and watched Netflix and worried about a friend. Name something you cannot wait for: @a-magical-knight and I are moving in together in like eleven months!!! Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yup, the president of another club I’m in is named Tom and also my music director in theatre and chorus teacher in high school was named Tommy What’s getting on your nerves right now?: Nothing, because I’m worn out emotionally right now, but the last thing like twenty minutes ago that was getting on my nerves was a friend’s home situation Blood type: No clue. I know my Hogwarts house though! Nickname: Jess, Jessi, Jessi Butterfly, Mom, Sis, Mommy, Miss Jessica, young Jessica, kiddo Relationship status: I’ve been dating @a-magical-knight since May! Zodiac sign: Gemini, and except for the lack of faithfulness I’m a pretty sterotypical one at that Pronouns: she/her but when I’m in my drag persona it’s he/him Favorite TV show: I really love Criminal Minds and also Ancient Aliens College: I went to Dutchess Community College for two years, and now I’m up in SUNY Plattsburgh for a total of two years and then I’m going to grad school next year here as well Hair color: Brown Do you have a crush on someone: My girlfriend, one would hope What do you like about yourself: My altruism and my striving to recover

FIRSTS: First surgery: Never had any, unless you count getting crowns on my teeth because insurance counts that as surgery but I don’t First piercing: My ears, when I was a toddler, and the gun got stuck to my ear First sport you joined: Dance, with the classic trio of tap, jazz, and ballet First vacation: I don’t remember where we were, but I remember I was really little, like three or four, and we were camping but it was pouring rain so we celebrated my birthday with cake in the car instead First pair of sneakers: Probably light up Barbie ones

THOUGHTS ON: Eating: Good in theory, but my eating disorder says fuck that to anything that isn’t absolute junk Drinking: People can drink if they want, I don’t care, I’ll try stuff here and there to know what it tastes like but so far the only thing I like is shots of honey whiskey I’m about to: Finish eating and read the journal article I need to write about Listening to: Right now just my fan is on because it’s eighty-three degrees in fucking September because we’re murdering our planet and also my kitty’s bell and purring Want kids: Yes!! I want to foster and/or adopt kids so badly. Older kids, the ones that aren’t cute anymore so no one wants them, or LGBT+ kids or disabled or neurodiverse kids. I don’t care if the kid is seventeen and never wants anything to do with the system or me once they’ve aged out, for those remaining months they’re gonna be fucking loved and know someone cares about them Get married: It’s not something I’ve always dreamed about or anything but I’d like to have a really fun wedding with the person I adore Career: Ideally a trio of writing, theatre, and being a therapist; my ideal is being a therapist in a shelter for the LGBT+ population and/or working with survivors of modern slavery WHICH IS BETTER: Lips or eyes: Eyes Hugs or kisses: Hugs!! Shorter or taller: Doesn’t matter, but short is cute Older or younger: Older, I’m good with people above my age and good with kids under twelve Romantic or spontaneous: Why not spontaneously romantic? Sensitive or loud: Sensitive Hook up or relationship: Relationship, though hook ups do seem fun Troublemaker or hesitant: I was always friends with troublemakers in school, and people who get branded troublemakers often have more fun because to me hesitant means anxious. Which is not what it means for many people, but like @a-magical-knight isn’t getting into trouble but she does do things that look fun that other people might not do so she’s not hesitant. But I wouldn’t want to date someone who was constantly getting into fights.

HAVE YOU EVER: Kissed a stranger: Nope Drank hard liquor: Does a shot of honey whiskey count? I think it does Lost glasses/contacts: Nope, I don’t wear them Sex on first date: Nope Broken someone’s heart: Oh yeah, gay high school me broke a few boys’ hearts when they couldn’t get with me. Gay college me is still doing it but less so Been arrested: Nah, I’ve always been the alibi in those situations Turned someone down: Yup, in high school mostly but college too Fallen for a friend: Oh sure; I never got the idea of “I’m gonna date/call a complete stranger because they’re hot” which means my three whole relationships were with people I actually knew.

DO YOU BELIEVE: In yourself: Yes. More so than a couple years ago, and even a few months ago Miracles: Eh, it’s a case by case thing. I’m not Christian and wasn’t brought up in a religious household so that makes me lean towards no. I see chaos as an actual being (Eris, a Greek goddess) and chaos is what miracles are often the result of, and also I’m very cause-and-effect and a social scientist which means looking for physical/mental reasons for things Love at first sight: I’m a gushy sappy romantic so yes. It takes the form of puppy love in the beginning and evolves if you help it Heaven: I don’t even guess at what the afterlife will be, just that there is one, and I’m excited to see what it is Santa Claus: Yes because there’s magic goddamnit and there’s a system of magic and false memory implantation to make it happen without people knowing the truth. I know it’s childish, but I need there to be magic in life

Twenty-five people is a lot so I’m just gonna tag whoever pops into my head. @highfantasyorbust @ekinsellaauthor @prideandpen @thejollywriter @leigh-fae @criticoutofcontext @kclenhartnovels @writingsforwinter @gingerly-writing

[tmntl0verthings]

Green with Jealousy RaphXreader

Dedicated to pizzapocket21

"You don't need water to feel like your drowning, do you?" -Anonymous  

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐀I'll label Part one and Part Two so you can choose to read only lemon or Storyline and Lemon :D

part one

As the song "My no. 5 " by lou bega was playing in the kitchen as you were baking cookies for the boys..And of course yourself too. You bopped your hips side to side, moved your head as your (hair flew side to side/ Rustled).

"A little bit of Monica in my life

A little bit of Erica by my side A little bit of Rita is all I need A little bit of Tina is what I see A little bit of Sandra in the sun A little bit of Mary all night long A little bit of Jessica here I am

A little bit of you makes me your man!"

you sang off key with a cookie dough covered spoon. You Lifted your one leg behind; you twirled to stand in a different place and moved your shoulders up and down with a smolder. You Slid to one side then to the other side to then shimmy your shoulders. You heard someone huff. You stopped to look over your shoulder to see raph. "O dear.." You saw him smiling at you as he stood there looking at you wearing Grey Sweats and no weaponry on. You stood like a frozen statue as you watched his tongue rearrange his toothpick. His smile grew brighter making your heart melted; you exhaled as you relaxed your body. "how long were you there?" "long enough." he smirked. "well I hope you enjoyed the show." you told him walking over to the oven. "Oh I did. 'specially that shimmy" He sat down at the table "O shush" you told him without looking at him. "Whatcha making?" his new york accent bled through his words which made you smile but quickly wiped it as you bent down to get the try of cookies. you turned around to show him the tray "cookies." "Chocolate chip. how'd you know they where my favorite?" he teased. "Its america's Favorite." And just when you felt like you were having a moment with raph the new girl showed up. She wore a tight White tank top fitting her Barbie waste with a pair of jeans; bedazzled pockets. Brown belt, Sketchers and her Brown hair was a river of curls that flowed to her hips. Her eyes were always done up in makeup and her lips Shined. Her fingers were longer than yours and she always smelled of Vanilla. She's been coming down here for 4 months now, but you secretly still call her the new girl. "Hey raphie bear!" she squealed. he turned around to focus on her now. "Hey, sup MJ (maryjane)." (Option: I hate even more how we share the same name) "Hey y/n!" her perfect teeth smiled "hey!" you faked a smile as you placed the tray on the kitchen counter with your back facing everyone. "She's even younger than raph and me." (She's 17-Your 21- He's 22). You placed the rest of cookies on a plate, turned the oven off and looked over to tell raph you were gonna go watch Tv but he was too busy interacting with miss perfect. You just left the area.

6:45 pm:  You and the turtle family, including MJ were sitting in the living room watching Batman Returns from 1992. You would glance at Raph whom was sharing popcorn with..Her. You breathed out as you licked your lips trying to ignore them but it was hard. how could he NOT like her? 'so stupid..(you looked over at raphael laughing with MJ) ugh..So many times (you looked back at the TV) I've wanted to tell you but i just don't think your ready..even though your older than me. you haven't changed since your old 16 year old self. Your still immature, and your just to involved with your family and Practices-not thats its a bad thing. your just too busy also to have someone like me in your life. But this girl--I don't want her being yours either...' You continued thinking to yourself as Donnie from afar for awhile has been watching your reactions with MJ and raph. You act nice enough around her but there's something off and you seem to look at raphael allot when she's around. Next scene

   After the movie You were drinking Cocoa with Leo. But he was drinking Matcha tea. Donnie was having his Late night snack, ramen. Raph was benching as MJ had already left for her parents home. "Soo y/n, what do you think of MJ?" Don asked trying to pick your brain. "She's alright. Why?" He shrugged as he puckered his bottom Lip for a moment "Just wondering. It just seems like you don't entirely like her." Leo looked over at you intrigued by Don's Accusations. "No i like her." You told him as you sipped your cocoa. "okay good, Cause I saw Raph and her go into the dojo alone earlier. Raph came out all..funky. not sure what entirely happened." Donnie lied. Your cocoa on the table; He watched as your one hand was in a light fist as you looked around thinking. 'the hell did they do? what if He kissed her? or worse, She kissed him. Or what if they did more?!' your eyes had narrowed unintentionally as you considered all possibilities. Leo swallowed more tea as he looked at don then down at his tea to set it down. " I'll be back." leo informed as he stood up to leave. You looked at your chocolaty Drink to then look at don 'Maybe he already knows. He is smart, and he can figure anything out. He learned Mandarin within a month..It would be nice to tell someone I can trust. Just to have some relief.' "Don, Can I tell you something. Its important that you don't tell anyone else." he focused all his attention onto you. "I kinda may have a thing.." you stopped talking as you looked at him. "A thing? Like what? A mole?" "what ew no. I have (exhale) I have a thing for..-" "Forrrr?" "For No-no I can't do this." you put your hands up as you then picked up your drink to sip some more. "Y/n..(He put his hand on yours which held a mug) You can tell me anything. you can trust me."  His glasses enlarged his emerald eyes. It made it impossible for you To not want to tell him anything. "It doesn't matter. I think he likes someone else anyways." "raph?" he guessed "Yea.." you gave in. He didn't seem to thrilled but you assumed it was because Raph is a hard person to get to know cause he never lets anyone in and a bit of a mild Brute. "Why haven't you told him yourself?" "eehh He doesn't show interest." Don mentally smirked as he knew what raph thought about you. During Practice he would do spot on but when you would come in his focus would shift and he would consistently mess up unless you left the room. And he would always look immediately around when someone said your name hoping you were around. Next scene

You were walking into the dojo area to see Raphael. He just finished up his workout as he was wiping his sweat off with his towel. "Hey" you greeted, He looked up as he was wiping his face to accidently shove his towel in his eye. "Ow!" he took the towel, dropping it to the ground as he covered his eye. "Aw damnit!" "are you okay?" you rushed over to him "let me see." He lowered himself as his one eye looked at you to then remove his hand to see his other eye. You used his shoulder to balance yourself. "mm..It doesn't look like anythinngg is realllyy wrong with it." You looked from his left eye to look at both of them. 'I've never been this close to his face..And his eyes. They're so deep, That churning, passionate green that the ocean turns during a storm.' "So nothings wrong?" he asked knocking you out of your dream-like state. "yep, nothings wrong." you smiled as you took your hand off his shoulder letting his stand back up. "So Don told me something interesting." "That's surprising. You never find anything he says interesting." He walked up to you making your heart beat harder. He kept walking until you started backing away until you were up against the wall. "where you going?" he asked playfully "Just..over here." "Hey-Hey careful!" You tripped backwards on a weight for him to catch you in his arms. You made a little squeak as you faced him. "you okay?" he rose a brow "Ye-ye i'm good." "So you think i'm just a boy?" he asked making your eyes widened "aw naw..he told youuuuu for reallllll. ugh Donnie, i swear." you looked away "well?" he asked as his eyes sassed you.  You gave up and confessed "I thought you just may not have been ready for a real relationship is all. Your just a boy and plus there her." "her?" "MJ."  He huffed at your explanation as he let you stand up "you know i'm not just a boy. I'm a man. And i'm ready for whatever comes my way.." he smirked as  you felt the cold brick wall at your fingertips and shoulders. "And I'm ready..for you." he nodded his head down once in a head slant. You were a little surprised taken off guard making you nervous but you played his game "Oh is that so?" you half smiled as him as he towered above you. "Oh--(He walked closer to you as he had now Bent down a little as his hands were on his Knees looking at you) You better believe it." An uncontrolable smile covered your face as you tried to hide it by trying to close your mouth but all you did was bite your lip. "Your smile is the literally the cutest thing I've ever seen." "Oh shut up." you smile wider as you covered your face. "alright, But I'll need your help." You uncovered your face to feel his lips against yours in surprise. your eyes widened, Your heart Stopped. 'oh my god' was your only thought. You felt his hands cup your face as you moved your hands up to his shoulders.

 After Dessert (30 minutes ago) you and Raph were sitting on the couch watching a movie as the other turtles were doing there own thing. He rearranged himself as he slipped his hand to lay under your bum to rub his one finger from your Flower to your clit, over and over slowly. You felt your self become warm as he then felt something different. He felt a feint wetness bleed through your jeans.

Part Two:

Dark room, only light was the burning singe on his intense plate. Door locked. He had you stripped down already with you on your hands and knees. His mask still on as his hard Shelled chest was laying on your shoulder blades while his hands squished, n' squeezed your boobs. His knees supported most of his body. Your eyes were relaxed as your mouth was opened showing your teeth letting out gasps of pleasure as he then used his fingers to tug and twist your nipples. breahtly moans escaped your lips as your hand twitched. You felt something throb against your sternum while You felt him play rougher with you as he then took his right hand away to pet your slippery wet pinkness. His other hand took over both of your breasts, squeezing them hard together like a stress Reliever ball. Squeaky moans were made as he smirked from the pleasure he was giving you. He's only watched porn so he assumed this is how humans procreated. His finger slid with ease inside. You felt something beefy insert inside 'is this his? feels like a human man's..' you thought as you were slightly swaying back and forth from his finger motions. His palm laid on your one but cheek making your eyes widen 'This is only his hand?!' Removing his hand He backed up his pelvis as his hands moved down to your hips to keep em' steady. He removed one hand from your skin to hold his cucumber so he could insert it. He pressed his tip against your opening to feel it swallow him tightly. To him, You felt so succulent and real. Your eyes were widening with fear but you couldn't turn back now. He only got half way inside of you for that's all he could fit. Saliva built up on your tongue as you swallowed while he then began his first thrust. His huge palm landed on the crest of your neck n' shoulder. You felt his thickness grow one size. Your throat hummed moans of pleasurable pain. He took ahold of your shoulders like reins to a horse and used your body to bounce back onto his thrusting hips. Your moans became more powerful as he felt your jiggling ass beat against him. He grew intense as he then moved your body to Lay on its side, Your thigh was in his grasp as he got a full view of your wet, pouty core while his manhood forced your walls to move along with his sinful acts. He watched as your breasts bounced with every thrust. He slammed his cock against your womb with one teeth grinding thrust. You screamed a moan as he spun you to lay you on your back for him to bring his lips to your breasts. His iced your nipples in saliva as his hand entertained the other with his fingers. You leaned your head back into his comforters as you could smell the deodorant he uses on a daily basis embedded in each thread. You closed your eyes as you let the smell that enchanting aroma. It was nothing like your fathers, his scent was so much more exotic; you could recognize the brand of cologne he used – one of your favorites – intermingling with the outlandish aroma of charcoal flames and cinnamon. You opened your eyes to see his green eyes pierced through the Darkness; almost like your vision was able to see in the dark now. His eyes were beautiful as you could see a Golden rim with deep darkness No matter the mood, his eyes were always, always passionate when they turned upon me. I guess I could consider myself lucky if he weren't so dangerous. You watched as his hands picked up your body to have your butt hang off the edge of the bed making his Biceps bulge and burst with strength as they were the size of my head. You felt the urge to pee as you knew what was happening. Your moans were the complete opposite of descrete. Loud, intense, and above all He still found it sexy. You felt this release of complete...i don't know. Peace? Relief? or a craving for more of him? The feeling of a woman's oragasm was never the easiest thing to describe. Even if right now, You decided to describe it. Could you? His shoulders moved in swift motions while you could see his neck muscles tighten a bit for a moment. everything he did made me want him more even though i had him all to myself at this very moment. No one was here but him..and me. Not even that chick, MJ. She could never be close to him like i am. And she never will be. Is this an awkward moment to say i love you? the first i love you should always be special right, and this is pretty special. God damn he's so sexy. I'd love it if he was just Mine! And only mine; no sharing. He became faster and faster with his might. With the door closed every pretense falls. The facade we show the world melts away and all we want is to fuck each other's brains out. Every kiss has a raw intensity - breathing fast, heart rates faster. Then before I know how it happened we are naked and our skin is moving softly together, like the finest of silk. I feel his hand enter from below moving fast, our tongues entwined in a kiss, and then he's inside, changing my breathing with every thrust, hearing my moans timed to his body. Then all at once he stops and kisses from my breasts to my stomach, his hands light; then he's licking and using his fingers all at once, watching my reaction, feeling how my legs move, watching my body. I just let out a moan, unable to articulate a response. In seconds he's on me again, fucking me harder, just long enough to intoxicate my mind before stopping again. He pulls himself out to face another direction onto an old pair of shorts he doesn't really ever wear. You lay there done and used. Naked on his bed you curled up your legs to yourself; pushing your heels into his bedding making yourself scoot more onto his bed. He got paper towels to wipe his Tip off.   You and him laid there under the covers in relief as some sweat still stuck to you. He just pulled off his mask with his hand and laid it on his wooden bedside while the Burning singe was almost complete. He rolled back over to face you. Your cheek bone laid on the pillow, sinking your head into it. It felt amazing. So comfortable and cool at the same time. He smirked as he joined you "comfy?" "absolutely." you tiredly smiled at him with heavy eyes. He yawned making his tongue curl like a dogs. You smiled amused as he finished to crack open an eye to see your toothly smile "Whats up?" he asked with a yawn finishing up. "You yawn so cutely, i never noticed you curled you tongue." "Oh shush." He rearranged his shoulder and leg. "Raph? can i ask you something." "anything." he answered.  "Remember back at the dojo when you confronted me about this--thing i have for you. Do you have a thing for me too?" his eyes never left your face as you could the white of his eyes in the dense darkness. "What if i did?" "I'd sayy..You wanna be a thing together?" "Well..i don't know..we don't wanna make things too awkward since we just had sex, ya know." he teased as you saw one of his fangs showing from behind his lips. "I'll take that as a yes." you smiled lightly. "damn right." he put his arm around you as he pulled your closer so your forehead was under his chin. You closed your eyes as you inhaled his manly perfumes.

the end

[mellicose]

Not for Us (or, the righteous butthurt of an intelligent female fan)

As a kid, it happened with masturbation, cartoons, comic books, then sci-fi. I’d be totally into it, but then I’d feel like an interloper in a secret world of pleasure, so I’d drop it and try to find something more ‘appropriate’.

I was never into dolls or the Babysitter’s Club, though, so I just read horror fiction and tread water.

Cut to 2000-something, when the uproar about New Who began. I love love LOVE sci-fi, but I eschewed watching it because...I might like it too much. I didn’t want to commit.

I never really asked myself why this summary dismissal was a thing with me.

The steady influx of Moffat indignation on my timeline, then a little research into the writer and his work, helped me to see the big picture more clearly.

These shows -Sherlock and Doctor Who - just like GI Joe, He-Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and most comic books - were not written for girls/women. In the 60′s, 70′s, 80′s and 90′s, that was okay. We had our own entertainment in Barbie dream houses, Dream Date board games, and My Little Pony, right?

Spider-Man, Spawn and Constantine is for the boys, as us girls don’t do grisly or nerdy or understatedly heroic. 

Why would I want to look through the hero’s eyes, when I could lust after him at the appropriate, ego-boosting time? That’s the only way my female gaze would fit into the narrative. 

Sexually. 

A thirst for adventure, or even the non-sexual curiosity about the trials and tribulations of the everyday Marvel superhero or extraordinary gumshoe are not relevant.

I’m a lady. Ostensibly, I should be content with spiky hair, an eyebrow raise or a smexy bowtie while the boys play how they may. The companions, and therefore us women, are just incarnations of the Madonna/whore complex, reduced to on/off buttons of emotion.

Buttons, ha! Men complain that we’re too complex, but maddeningly, it doesn’t show where it should - in their written depictions of us. Case in point: 

1) Rose flirts, simpers and giggles much to the young handsome Doctor’s delight, but never clearly states her feelings...except when she’s willing to internalize the time vortex which forces Nine to absorb it and die to save her, then later, risk ripping the universe apart and let every living thing in it die to see the Doctor. 

She saved the Earth, but was willing to watch Nine, then the Universe burn for another snog. 

Rose is young, foolish, and extraordinarily selfish, and she’s written to be the Doctor’s one and only. It speaks volumes about what the writer thinks about women.

2) Martha’s written thirsty because if there isn’t a beautiful woman lusting after Ten, the ‘dashing doctor’ trope is fucked. The fact that it makes her into a farce of herself although she’s far more intelligent and empathetic than The One Who Came Before is unimportant. She’s just the current companion after the hallowed Rose, and guess what?

She saves the Doctor, full stop. Ten gave up nothing, and she gave up everything to save his freckly hide. But, again, she’s written as a placeholder. Rose is still the thing.

3) Donna is a thirty-something redhead who is stridently Not Attracted to the Doctor(r), but the visible, straining effort to make Catherine Tate a frump makes me want to extricate my brain and throw it at the wall. It’s obviously written after the fan uproar about Martha, and it backfired a bit.  And Rose is still around, still fucking things up.

Why, oh why did you do that to the lovely Billie?!

And don’t get me started on Tentoo. That is a hairpulling, indignant screed all its own.

And that’s the RTD era, which I love. On to Moffat:

Amy’s perplexingly pointless.

Clara’s irritatingly irritating.

River is....fuck.

And what about femaleMaster!? Jesus.

And speaking about Sherlock, what about Molly? 

A lovely, fragile dumpster blossom (as she’s written, as scientists can’t be sexy) who’s just as useful as what she can do for Sherlock. How many times has she..ahem...saved him?

And Mary - she’s strong, so she naturally has to be shockingly callous. Again, a clever, strong woman can’t be empathetic, or unselfish. That’s not the way it goes, since such a women wouldn’t fit the on/off button paradigm. 

The actresses are brilliant. This is metric fucktons of talent wasted on retarded writing.

And so, the male characters suffer for the writer’s lack of nuance in writing the women as people.

Let that sink in a while. Yeah, it’s deep.

This was passable 30 years ago, when women ‘weren’t paying attention’. The boys could feed their egos on the hero and their eyes on the dimepiece, nodding indulgently at how silly them girls is actin’. Sadly for the boy’s club, it’s not the case any longer.

Guess what, boys - bitches can have empathy. Funny women can be devastatingly sexy. Beautiful women can be selfless. Strong women can be gentle, and not be out to denigrate every male in sight. Impulsive, foolish women can have the best of intentions. Our primary function as women isn’t to save you, emotionally or physically, and any relationship based on that is emotionally draining and breeds resentment.

Fair is fair, so same goes for men.

I don’t need to see men systematically emasculated to prove the show is ‘pro-woman’ -  I love dashing, clever men. That’s why DW became so popular, so don’t castrate the Doctor and make him a bumbling second to a woman who is his equal. Don’t pander to women, thinking we’re so foolish we won’t see it and be put off.

The game needs to be upped. Get more clever, funny, sympathetic female writers in the crew to create some checks and balances. Match your heroes to complex, fully-developed female characters worthy to be their equals.

Don’t cheat yourself, treat yourself.

Us women are watching.