#she made me feel like a burden and a failure which y’know… isn’t ideal

[spineless-lobster]

I fucking hate being employed this shit fucking sucks I wanna go home

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

[muthaz-rapapa]

HealPre Ep 2: Partners, Faith & Ability

Hwoo, boy. This is another long one.

Ok, I know mascots are not the most exciting things to talk about when it comes to Precure because while a handful of them are not quite two-dimensional (depending on the context), they rarely fully reach the three-dimensional field either since they are majorly there to support the main charas and...well, to look and be cute for the merchandising. Hence, why they’re soon shoved to the backseat in favor of the story focusing more on our heroines.

But as we are still in the early period of establishing relationships here, I think it’s noteworthy to discuss the return of fairy partnerships (which hasn’t happened since DokiDoki, can you believe that?) and why it’s significant to the story of HealPre.

Starting with the first one-sided “fight” (if you can really call it that) between Rabirin and Nodoka.

Prior to learning that Nodoka’s actually not athletic, Rabirin was immensely ecstatic to have found a human who shared their sentiments on wanting to protect the Earth. But because she was too thrilled about it, she ended up blinding herself with thoughts that Nodoka is the ideal partner she always wanted. A person who’s agile, graceful and possesses a robust physique.

So when the after school activities proved otherwise, Rabirin gets upset and disbands the partnership right then and there.

Which makes Rabirin look incredibly shallow and selfish but in reality...

It’s because she likes Nodoka so much that she can’t bear to put such a kind girl like her in danger.

True, Rabirin is still basing everything off a mindset that says “I can only accept a partner who’s physically capable” so for one part, she is still thinking too superficially.

But for another, Rabirin also acknowledges that she is just a trainee, not a full-fledged doctor. She knows for a fact that she herself is not completely competent as she wants to be (yet) so if something bad happens, she might not be enough to protect Nodoka from the fall.

Nodoka has a handicap and Rabirin is inexperienced. These are not the best circumstances to go into battle with so to minimize the damage that can affect them (and the Earth), Rabirin decides to leave Nodoka.

It’s not that protecting the Earth takes priority over everything else.

It’s because protecting the Earth should not come at the expense of letting Nodoka get hurt in any way.

That’s the true reasoning behind Rabirin’s rejection.

Meanwhile, let’s go back to Nodoka.

Her noticeably calm reaction to Rabirin’s emotional outburst is also worth examining. Rather than becoming sad or disheartened at being dumped because she’s not “up to snuff”, she takes the time to reflect on what she’s able to do at the moment.

Nodoka’s not going to deny that she has trouble keeping up with those who are more athletically fit than she is. She knows that’s due to her having a weak constitution from illness but she’s not ashamed of it. It’s just a fact that she was sick, nothing more. 

It doesn’t mean she can’t do the same things healthy people are capable of doing. It just means she has to find ways to do them without straining herself. And if given the time, she’ll eventually be able to catch up with them that way.

Nodoka already has the motivation (hell yea she does, that’s mah gurl!) so all she needs to do is to find the best point for her to start from.

What’s more, Nodoka is not afraid of getting hurt to do what she feels she needs to do.

When Rabirin was not there to help her transform, Nodoka tried all sorts of things she can think off to fend off the Megapathogerm. Teaming up with Nyatora, donning armor before confronting the monster and tricking it into a trap.

Honestly, it’s remarkable how she faced the situation without letting the panic get the better of her.

She’s very stable as person, a trait I believe is something we’d like to see in anyone, especially a partner.

And “failure” doesn’t discourage her either.

When she proves no match for the Megapathogerm in her civilian form, the first thing she does after getting knocked off her feet was to try and chase after it.

The thought of people getting hurt by the villains is what drives her to act. Even when she’s in no condition to continue fighting, she musters whatever strength she has left to help others anyway.

Nodoka is brave, resilient and extremely compassionate.

But it’s also important to know she isn’t fearless.

And what she is most afraid of is not being able to do anything at all.

She’s not just afraid for other people. She’s also terrified that if she doesn’t act now, she’s going to have to relive those lonely, difficult days she spent bedridden in the hospital.

A life where she couldn’t move as she wanted, couldn’t live as she wanted to. And perhaps those feelings of helplessness made her despair.

She doesn’t want anyone else to feel that way. She doesn’t want herself to feel that way again because of not being able to do anything as she is now. Now when she can finally walk on her own two feet and start doing so many things she couldn’t do before.

Nodoka had received so much hope to get here.

From her parents, her doctors, her nurses.

It was thanks to them for being by her side through the hardships that Nodoka was able to make it here today.

They taught her to have faith in herself, to believe that she does have it in her to beat her illness.

And she did.

Nodoka values the hope given to her so strongly that if she were to step back and give up now, it would be an insult to all the support she received from her loved ones.

When she was in pain, no one abandoned her. So how can she possibly stand by when she sees someone else in trouble?

Therefore, whether she can still be Rabirin’s partner or not, whether Rabirin will allow her to be Precure or not is not the main concern here.

Nodoka just wants to do something.

She doesn’t want to sit on the sidelines like she used to. She wants to join clubs, do activities and run to her heart’s content.

And if someone’s hurting, she wants to help them. That’s all.

Doing nothing is more painful for Nodoka than failing.

That’s why when Rabirin gave her the powers to transform into Cure Grace, Nodoka was so grateful to her.

Becoming Precure helped Nodoka from drowning in despair again. She was able to do something, she was able to help the Earth beat the maladies the villains inflicted on it.

Similar to Nodoka’s parents and doctors giving her hope to overcome her own illness.

And in earnest, she sincerely swears to Rabirin that she’ll do her best to protect Earth with these powers she’s given.

Nodoka cannot promise she’ll become the strongest Cure ever. She knows how dangerous fighting these monsters can be and she’s fully aware of the limits of her own body.

But she still wants to at least try.

Not for herself. Becoming Precure is not for herself, but for the sake of others.

So she asks Rabirin to believe in her. Like with her illness, Nodoka is not that naive to think she can go at it alone. She beat her illness because she had her people by her side, supporting her every step of the way. 

And if Rabirin gives her another chance, then Nodoka knows from experience that they can overcome whatever comes their way. Not just Nodoka. Nodoka and Rabirin.

They can save the Earth if they fight together.

After a declaration like that, how can Rabirin even think of not wanting Nodoka as her partner?

More than finding a person who’s in tip-top shape, being able to find Nodoka, whose heart is just as strong if not even stronger than the average healthy person’s, is nothing short of a miracle.

What Rabirin was looking for was not the “perfect” partner but someone who resonated with her. That someone is Nodoka.

With that, she apologizes profusely for treating Nodoka so harshly before, judging her without knowing her story and not respecting Nodoka’s feelings like a doctor should.

Rabirin was right when she said it wasn’t she who helped Nodoka but the other way around. Meeting Nodoka helped Rabirin break free of the limits of her own thinking...

Which finally brings me to the topic of partnerships.

Y’know, it’s so easy to take the fairies for granted because though they play a pivotal role, they’re not the most important part of the story.

But the way the necessity of a partnership is portrayed here, as a very serious matter rather than the teasing banter comedy we usually see, tells something very profound that HealPre might be trying to convey.

It’s that no man is an island. No one can shoulder the world alone.

Just like how we can’t expect one individual to solve the climate crisis, you can’t assume that you’ll be okay bearing all the burdens on your own while fighting against your personal ailments, whatever they may be.

Everyone needs someone else to truly live healthily.

And not just any “someone” but a person you know you can truly trust to understand you and repay in kind as well.

That’s what makes a partnership.

Protecting the Earth is the biggest importance to Rabirin and Nodoka practically had to bare her entire soul to the rabbit to prove she’s up to the task. In turn, it wouldn’t be right to not answer those feelings which is why Rabirin tossed away what set her back to accept Nodoka as the one and only partner for her.

Rather than worrying about what someone’s not capable of, you should actually take a real look at what they are capable of doing. And in order to do that, you have to get to know each other, see what’s beyond the surface, reach the point where it’s become secure enough for you to be confident enough to say the faith you invested in each other is worth it.

Only then can something be born out of two people combining their efforts together.

Two.

二つ (“futatsu”)

Why does the post-transformation Cure phrase have this word in it? Because it’s not just Nodoka becoming Cure Grace to save the world. It’s Nodoka and Rabirin.

Rabirin who gives Nodoka the power to transform into Precure. Nodoka receiving that power to protect Earth alongside Rabirin.

Cure Grace is made up of the power of two, not one. Cure Grace is both Nodoka and Rabirin.

The power of two.

I’m not sure if this is how I wanted the post to turn out (I had to rewrite and re-edit it so many times because thinking on it drove my mind in circles @.@;;) or if I said everything I wanted to...

But if there’s one thing I’m certain of is that Rabirin will never doubt Nodoka again from this point on.

Even when Chiyu and Hinata, who have better stamina than Nodoka does, join the team, I’m certain Rabirin won’t compare her partner to them and instead say something along the lines of “Nodoka has the biggest heart out of anyone here! My partner’s the strongest of them all!” with immeasurable pride.

In short, Rabirin liked Nodoka before but she definitely loves Nodoka now.

(*＾v＾*)