#she who hangs out a lot in cemeteries ( queue. )

[liesmyth]

My friend is going to Rome next Feb for her birthday and she's super excited, is there anything you'd recommend that a) she absolutely has to see or do (including food places) or b) she should absolutely NOT do (either because its overrated, underwhelming or just socially bad etiquette)? Unsure if the country of origin helps but she is English and doesn't speak a lick of Italian

a) absolutely should do: walking tour of the city centre. Just book a free half day in your schedule and do some sightseeing! The last time I showed a friend around we walked like Colosseo > Fori Imperiali > Campidoglio > Piazza Venezia > Trevi > Trinità dei Monti > Piazza del Popolo > St Peter Square, took our time and just wandered around it was FUN. Also: make a list in advance of museums / sites she wants to visit and get online tickets to skip the queue. There are way too many museums in Rome to visit comfortably (I live here and legit have a spreadsheet to keep track of museums I want to see when there's an exhibit of whatever.. we're talking like dozens) so just pick a few and enjoy really looking at the art instead of rushing through. If she's in town on a first Sunday of the month, some of them are free. If the weather is nice (and tbh it should be decent in February!) she could visit the Villa Borghese park + IF she likes hiking, I really like the old Appian way for a midday walk when it's sunny.

Gelato places. Also this cemetery if you're a goth.

b) do NOT do: Ok I do joke about tourists a normal amount being someone who lives in a tourist-heavy location but actually! there's no wrong way to be a tourist. Like, no matter what you do some locals are gonna think you're a bit cringe or be annoyed because they're late for work and you're sightseeing on the bus. Who cares!! I think your friend shouldn't worry about faux passes at all. Live her best life! THAT SAID I would avoid tourist traps like plague. The Gelatist near Trevi Fountain? MY GOD GO AWAY.

Also. Lot of people who visit Rome complain about pickpocketers. This is way less of an issue for locals who take public transit more often. tldr, IMO this is less of a "Rome" specific issue and more of a "big city" issue. If your friend is not used to city living just like... watch out where you put your things. Every time I see a tourist with their phone hanging from their back pocket I want to cry. Put your (her) phone and wallet in a zipped up front pocket or in a bag you have on your lap on the metro! Stuff like that idk.

[chrishoulihan]

FYF ADVENTCHEA

So this shit turned into a fucking novel, I’m putting it under a cut and it’s just as much for my own recollection as it is for anyone who wants to hear about my festival weekend. Get into it

So I arrived in LA on Thursday morning after my flight was delayed by an hour and ended up getting there at the exact same time as Anna A @yourveryeyes which was fortuitous! We took a Lyft to Exposition Park to pick up her wristband for the festival, wandered around a little bit, and ended up taking the Metro downtown to meet up with Kylie @electric-candyman who was GREAT TO MEET and was also going to the festival, and her friend Chris who doesn’t have a Tumblr afaik and was going to both FYF and the Planetarium show that night. We went to MOCA which was pretty sweet, they had a Rothko room and a few Rauschenberg pieces that were really cool to see in person. After that Anna and I split off to go to Hollywood and check out Amoeba on our way to Sufjan and that was obviously amazing, I didn’t have enough space in the bags I packed to buy any records (which was by design, my broke ass can’t afford to drop a lot of money on vacation and you can’t waste money on stuff if you don’t have room to carry it home *tapping head guy meme*) but I bought a little heart-eyed cat emoji pin as a souvenir and I definitely wanted to buy 5000 things I couldn’t have.

From there we went to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for Planetarium and met up with Anna L @louisdebumhole ANN- SQUAD REUNITED HELL YEAH. We got to the cemetery and went in all together like over an hour after the doors opened but since it was a lawn show there was still barely anyone lined up at the stage by the time we got there and we got just behind the rail?? AMAZING. I haven’t had the opportunity for rail at a Sufjan show since the Christmas pageant in 2012. Chris showed up not too long after us and joined us right by the stage and Anna L’s friend was there on the rail too so it was a party.

OBVIOUSLY PLANETARIUM WAS INCREDIBLE. My dumb ass forgot to save my Instagram story so I don’t have any of my own videos but it was so great. Sufjan wore his stupid beautiful clashing pajama suit and some fuckin moon boots and he looked fabulous and sang like an angel and said a lot of nonsensical inspirational stuff (like this which is the only video I managed to salvage.) The whole record sounds even richer and fuller live; Jupiter, Moon, and Venus sounded especially amazing. AND fun fact, Matt Berninger was there and watched the entire show from the left side of the stage! My indie dad Matty B supporting his homies!! I also got a setlist after the show ended, which was exciting even though of course it’s literally just a list of planets and in the exact same order as the record lmao. But it’s my first Sufjan-related setlist and I will cherish it forever.

So we got back to Anna L’s house I think around midnight that night and by then I had been awake for like 21 hours so I was exhausted and basically passed out as soon as I could. Next day was the START OF FYF and Anna A/Kylie/Chris and I decided that we wanted to go for Bjork rail, since she was the first act on the main stage on Friday and there weren’t really any other bands playing before her elsewhere that we were dying to see. Before we went to the festival Anna A and I hung out with her friend Jen who was great, we got boba and then went downtown to The Last Bookstore, which was bomb, and had lunch at Grand Central Market. Got to the festival about half an hour before the gates opened, made it through the long ass queue, and went immediately to the main stage where we got basically center-right just behind the rail!! For fucking Bjork!!! Commence freaking out for the next three hours. Chris and Kylie showed up later right behind us and it was such a fun and easy queueing experience for me, everyone around us was super chill and everyone was so hype to see Bjork that we pretty much just looked out for each other and bonded over our mutual fandom. Anna and I had intended to see Bjork together in NYC back in 2015 but it got cancelled so this was a LONG TIME COMING and I’m so glad that we were able to make it happen.

So Bjork was the first set of my whole festival weekend and honestly it was one of the best performances I’ve ever seen?? SHE WAS AMAZING and I knew I was gonna be emotional but I wasn’t fucking prepared for how surreal and incredible it felt to hear THAT VOICE in person and to be that close to her while it happened. Unreal. She had Arca with her as her DJ and a whole string ensemble, and she came out wearing a glow in the dark lime green headdress mask thing and a huge puffy dress that made her look like a beautiful pinata. Everything about it was fucking perfect; she did at least one song from every record except Vespertine. Multiples from Vulnicura/Homogenic/Post, Come to Me, Mouth’s Cradle, Wanderlust, Mutual Core. Fucking awesome. Favorites for me were probably Joga (CRIED), Mouth’s Cradle (fuckin bomb arrangement and a huge surprise), Isobel & Bachelorette (two of my all time faves), Notget and Hyperballad which had LITERAL FIREWORKS AND FIREBALLS going off onstage behind her?? What the fuck?? Amazing. And it was the most fun and loving group of people on the rail I’ve ever been part of; everyone around me was so genuinely excited and emotional and singing along and I could FEEL THE LOVE.

So that was an amazing start to the festival obviously and after Bjork we met up with Anna L and went straight to go see Anderson Paak who I missed BOTH TIMES he was here in Portland last year because I’m an idiot, and WOW he is so great live!! I’m actively offended that he is not my boyfriend tbh, he has the most beautiful and infectious smile I’ve ever seen on a human being. Big ol dance party up in the lawn stage. After that we went back to the main stage to watch Missy Elliott for a while and that was a lot of fun; found out after the fact that Bjork and fucking BEYONCE were watching off stage, so like, now I can say I have been in the presence of Beyonce. Went to Flying Lotus early which was the last set of the night to get a good view, with our sweet Flylo-branded 3D glasses obv. Flylo was amazing as always and the 3D show was awesome, I hope he takes it on the road cause that shit was fire. I’m also really into the mystical shaman look he seems to be cultivating lately lmao, and he looks cute as hell with the longer hair!! One of the biggest highlights of the whole weekend for me was when he started the Captain Murphy stuff, got one verse through The Killing Joke, and then was like “you know what fuck this I changed my mind, I want to do this song cause I never get the chance to do it” and fucking busted out with COSPLAY, which is only my favorite Captain Murphy track ever!!! I wasn’t expecting it cause it’s pretty obscure even for the Captain Murphy stuff and I lost my goddamn mind it was so much fun. (Gotta say though that the longer he keeps riding out Murphy tracks from 2012 at his live shows, the more egregious it is that he still hasn’t fuckin dropped a Murphy album or any substantial Murphy release since then. Come on bro. I’ve been waiting 5 years) ANYWAY so that was great of course. Day One = big success.

Day Two! Before we went to the festival that day we met up and had lunch with Anna L’s bf Jesus, who had a Saturday/Sunday festival pass and is a lovely man with great taste in music and cat photos and baseball caps. First set of the day for me was Thundercat and it was my SIXTH time seeing him live, which is hilarious (gonna be 7 times in September.) One of the first things he said to the crowd after getting on stage was “you guys look like you smell weird,” which was accurate. Obviously he’s always great live and I loved getting to hear more of the Drunk songs since the last time I saw him. He’s also rocking some pretty sweet neon pink dreads right now. Caught the end of Noname’s set with Anna A and Chris afterwards and really enjoyed it! I want to check out her album now cause she was great. Grabbed some food and then the whole crew met up together again to see Perfume Genius – GORGEOUS. I’d never seen him live before and he’s so captivating to watch. His performance of Slip Away to close the set was one of my favorites of the whole weekend.

After that I ended up splitting up with everyone, watched some of Arca’s set but ended up leaving to go hang out on the lawn before Erykah Badu because my feet were killing me and I really needed to sit down and recharge. Erykah was supposed to go on at 9:50; cut to 10:15 and she still hasn’t gone on and I was already planning on cutting out of her set at 10:30 to try and snag a semi decent spot for Frank Ocean, so I said fuck it and bailed to go do that. BUMMED I DIDN’T GET TO SEE HER TBH I was really looking forward to it. But it’s kinda good that I left sooner rather than later because the main stage was already pretty packed by 10:30 for Frank. I got an okay spot to the right of the stage probably about 10+ rows back from his platform catwalk thing, and it was easily the most crowded audience I was in all weekend. Talk about being packed like sardines it was madness, if I had showed up like 10 minutes later than I did I would have had an absolutely shit view.

So like…..FRANK FUCKING OCEAN. Never ever thought the day would come that I’d see him live, and the whole experience was so incredibly special to me. I DEFINITELY cried buckets when he sang Lens, which has weirdly become one of my all time favorite tracks in the last few months, and Ivy really really got to me out of nowhere too. Literally everyone around me within earshot sang along to every single word of every song and it was amazing. He played an unreleased cover of some old school funk track that was absolute straight fucking fire, me and the girl next to me danced our asses off together. That shit better get an official release on his radio show like he said he was planning!! Also Brad Pitt was on stage at one point and that was HILARIOUS tbh I wish I had gotten any sort of video of that myself, but the way the wasted dude behind me shouted “WHAT THE FUUUCK” when he popped up on screen will remain fresh in my memory forever. The whole show was gorgeous and I just LOVE FRANK OCEAN!!! I want him to tour so bad so I can actually plan out a scenario where I can get rail for his show and have a better view.

Aaaand Day Three. Got to the festival kinda lateish because the first act the Ann- Squad wanted to see wasn’t till after 6 (Little Dragon), so once we got there we took some photos and wandered around a bit, met back up with Chris and Kylie and took these majestic photobooth pictures, and then Anna A and I went to Little Dragon early for a good spot. I had never seen them before and it was a blast, just a total dance party. They mostly played stuff from Season High which was fine by me cause that album fuckin bangs. Then mood whiplash when we went straight from Little Dragon to Moses Sumney lmao. We got to Moses’ set right when he started our mutual fave Lonely World, serendipitous tbh!! He is beautiful and I loooove the lighting setup he’s got going for his show, it felt really unique to me among the loud dancey festival fare.

After that we went back to the main stage for Solange, which was great; I’m not as familiar with her music as I could be tbh but I really enjoyed how conceptual and dance-oriented her show was. At one point a whole massive brass section streamed in out of nowhere just for one song and it was fuckin awesome. Towards the end of Solange’s set Kylie texted me to say that if we hurried there was still a little bit of rail space left for Run the Jewels in fifteen minutes, to which we were immediately like UHH YES WTF and hustled our way the fuck over – made it in time, got just behind the rail for motherfucking Run the Jewels right before they went on somehow, *Killer Mike voice* goddammit it’s a motherfucking miracle. Give Kylie 5000 gold medals tbh. And RTJ ended up being probably my favorite non-headlining set of the weekend, SO MUCH FUN. The crowd was fucking nuts, everyone around me was going stupidly hard, and I discovered that I know pretty much every word of RTJ3 lmao. The only thing that could have made it more perfect would have been if they’d done Panther Like A Panther, WHICH THEY DIDN’T and was greatly missed by me. But it was amazing. I’m kind of in love with El-P’s ridiculous ass tbh.

Last show of the weekend – Nine Inch Nails!! Who I love!!!!! And hadn’t seen live in almost four years!!!!!! I’m always fucking trash for Nine Inch Nails honestly, their live shows just turn me into a raging dancing idiot and this was no exception. ‘Wish’ will always be one of my favorite songs to hear live from any band ever. Also got to hear Something I Can Never Have and Reptile for the first time ever for me which was awesome!! Bold move of Trent to throw in Something I Can Never Have as the fourth song in a festival set but I was loving it. Like I said yesterday I randomly lost my fucking mind to The Hand That Feeds lmao, I was actually jumping around like a moron. The newer songs were great too, Field On Fire FUCKING BANGS live holy shit. Basically it was just so great to cap off the weekend with band that I’ve loved for ten years and are always fucking immaculate live. And then when it was all over I got chicken strips and fries and walked out of the festival with the fam eating my delicious food. Perfection.

So that was my weekend and I honestly could not have dreamed of having a better time. I’m so so glad that I was able to do this, see some of my favorite bands with an awesome group of people who love music just as much as I do, get out of town and clear my head, and find some healing at a time when I really needed it. I feel very lucky.

[streetcornertwoam]

oh dear...

so I had mentioned on here the other day that getting in touch with an old high school friend can sometimes be nice

...and it still is, but it’s getting vaguely more...real now

real now as in...exchanging phone numbers and talking about hanging out

which is fine...except I just...don’t do that anymore...

I’ve become so closed off from people that I just...don’t go out or do anything, which is...fine

mostly

I’m more fine with it than I used to be, I think

but then I’ll get to talking with someone, and talks of getting together and hanging out happen and like...I’m always torn

‘cause yea it would be nice to see them, to talk, catch up...etc

but...then I just become overwhelmed with anxiety...and I don’t really know why

I never was like this...

sure there were times I would perhaps ignore or y’know...drop out of hanging out whatever, but I would always still really want to

and then it became just..wasn’t ever invited, which...fair, but it hurt ‘cause y’know...I don’t know...I’m a person and even though we’re complicated af and I would have said no to going anyway...lol

and then it just kinda...I don’t know, became easier to not see anyone for long stretches of time...so I got used to being at home and doing whatever

so now it’s like someone wants to do something and for a minute it sounds nice, but mostly it’s just terrifying

I did this sorta a few summers ago with another friend from high school

also started off messaging on FB, then switched to texting...like all the fucking time...hung out a few times...aaaaaaand then we ended up like...hardcore make out session in a cemetery...yikes lol

reason for the cemetery...lol...it’s...like right behind my house...there’s a church behind my house and then it’s just like...right there cemetery

and when I was a teen me and my friends used to go walking through it and it shit all the time ‘cause it was just...near and y’know whatever

so basically it was a more or less private place near by and...so that happened

...i don’t remember if we managed to hang out again after, i know we texted a few more times and talked about hanging out...but then I think I just felt...really weird? so I kinda blew him off...’cause I’m super mature and awesome obvs

and...I haven’t talked to him really at all since lol

and y’know....we were close in high school...we never ended up dating, ‘cause his track record with girls was horrible, and I remember telling him that one time when he asked if I’d ever date him. And I straight up said no, ‘cause you end up dating a girl for a few days and then it’s over and then you aren’t even friends anymore...so no

......buuuuut that obviously never stopped from y’know...the occasional kiss action lmao

i was also the first person he ever made out with, so there’s that lol

it’s just...I don’t know, it’s weird lol

I feel like...we could have maybe had...something

but there (for me) was just...nothing when we were kissing

and I don’t know that there ever really was much, but I feel like there used to be...more I don’t know

........

not that I really think anything like that would happen with this guy......I mean...I suppose it could

I’m fairly certain he always had a bit of a crush on me

which is sweet, he was always really nice....but I just never felt the same back

I don’t know

I’m probably gonna end up having to tell him some version of this. At least the bits about I’m terrible when it comes to people anymore, and regardless of how much I may want to see and hang out I’ll probably always bail last second ‘cause I’m just...incapable of being around people apparently

I just don’t want him feeling badly ‘cause I’m such a shit person

he said he really misses me and always really loved and admired me in high school ‘cause my personality and I could always make him laugh/smile

and I’m just like...fuck that’s so goddamn nice, but honestly dude I’m such a fucking mess anymore

you want to know what I’ve been doing since high school? fuck all

dated a guy I’d known my entire life basically for 3 1/2 yrs, thought it was gonna be a forever sorta thing, ha! Jokes on me...turns out he was a fucking asshole and I should have ended after oh...2...2 1/2 yrs? but did I? NOPE

so that was fun...and that fucked me over pretty good when he did finally end it....and then strung it along by every few weeks texting me and shit until I found out what a real piece of work he was, and that was the final straw

and then I started getting back out into the world...met some new people, reconnected with my best friend, and for a couple yrs it was pretty great....

then parents place closed down, new friends i made started heading off to college, I started babysitting my nephew, lost touch with friend....

I mean this all kinda happened at the same time...I had been babysitting nephew when I was still hanging out with people and parents place was still open but still that’s basically how that went...

saw them a few more times, but then I just...by that point reached where I am now....

maybe if I got back out there after a while it’d be different, I don’t know

for all that I’m still the same person, I’m vastly different than I ever used to be

and I think that’s simply from all the time that I’ve spent on my own...so I’ve been in my head a lot and been able to think about things...sometimes over think....obsess about it...but y’know...it did at least lead me to one positive thing...figuring out that I’m not nearly as straight as I always thought I was...oh hey turns out Kels that you’re bisexual...who would have thought

well me for one, if I had ever just...thought about some of the shit I finally thought about, instead of just....fucking denying it and burying it

....I don’t know how different things would be had I realized it sooner, and even though I’ve never told anyone in my real life...I do feel better

it’s more freeing...it’s nice

and there are times...that I’m just...sitting with my parents or just my mom...and I just wanna be like ‘so...I’m bisexual’

tbh I don’t think it’d be a big issue...sometimes I think ‘they must know...’ or ‘they must suspect...’ just ‘cause...of the things I say sometimes now but I don’t know...

...I at least know my mom would be ok with it, since her older brother...my uncle...was gay

and even though he never told anyone, she said she knew...and that’s why he moved away from here so he could be himself

and I so get that...but I just really hate that he never felt he could share that part of himself before he passed

y’know...what if I had realized about myself sooner...I could have told him and we could have had that connection

...I say he was gay, but I honestly don’t even know if that’s right...I remember growing up he had girlfriends, or at least...said he had girlfriends...but I know when he died him and an old friend of his were together...so...I don’t know

I was only 18...27 now...but...I had enough information about myself to have figured out...or at the very least questioned things about myself at that point

guess it’s sorta pointless to think about things like that...can’t change the past, no sense dwelling over it...just something I got to thinking about

....this post has gone a bit off the rails lol

sometimes I forget how good i feel after I do long posts like these

I know that no one reads ‘em, or at least I suspect no one does

but I do it for myself...get thoughts down and out

it helps...a bit

I’ve been starting to think maybe I should see a therapist or something...

mom always said she was gonna send me to one when I was a teen ‘cause of my....habits

it’s one of the many things we’ve never talked about, and she never...really knew 100%, but I do know that she at least once saw scars on my arms

....and got a call from the school I think once my freshmen year after my classmates died

‘cause someone had told a counselor that I was...a bit not right and I remember getting called down once in class...and she (or was it a guy...I don’t totally remember ha) asked me if I was doing ok etc etc etc....I of course lied, and they told me that a friend had said otherwise (never did find out who that was) and they gave me a suicide hotline card and said I could come talk whenever and...then I went back to class

....sometimes I think that’s why Mr. Emery took such a shine to me...’cause it was in his class...and he got the call that I needed to go down...and then I got back and he asked if everything was alright and I just said ‘yea fine’

and y’know...he did looked...concerned but he didn’t push...I don’t know

I never got called down again...and then it just kinda...fell by the wayside I guess I don’t know

it’s weird thinking back like that...like...I can remember his face when he answered the phone and...the look...when he heard what was said...he just looked...taken aback

...fuck

I need to stop thinking about it ‘cause it’s just...yea

haven’t thought about it in ages and it’s just...a lot

for anyone that has read all this...mass of garbage and is..maybe worried about me...regarding all...that

it’s fine...I’m fine...haven’t done anything like that for...10 or so years maybe?

...thoughts is a bit different, real serious thought...still been a few years probably

those creepy intrusive thoughts that happen sometimes? yea...but it’s usually just more simply a ‘what if I died’ or ‘what if I were dead’ sorta thing...

...so admittedly yes, probably unhealthy...should really think more about a therapist or something but...oh well

ok...gonna wrap this up now I think

gonna have a queue going later today/tomorrow fyi...don’t worry haha