#she's literally the best therapist I've ever had so i feel like i can't complain lol

[grimandghoulish]

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[alextheavoidant]

Kinda forgot about this blog for a minute. I have a tendency to start things and then get distracted by something else and forget what I was doing before, lol. Sorry about that.

Anyway.... i have been hesitant to talk about this... Mainly because it's so painful. But I've been dealing with losing what I guess you would call my best friend. No, they didn't die or anything. But my idea of who I thought they were has. They're my cousin. Basically a sibling to me. And after knowing them since they were literally born, I have finally had to face the hard truth. That they themselves, even though I thought we were on the same wavelength, even though I thought we were the ones who saw the dysfunction in our family, the ones who fought against it, who were going against the grain in hopes of better, healthier lives... They, too, have been corrupted by the narcissistic family system. That their understanding of me, attempts to emulate me, mirror back my sentiments... we're all manipulative. Nothing about them was ever genuine. I went no contact about two months ago when they showed me who they really are. It was the third occurrence when they engaged in overt abuse and manipulation against me. And after two months of having them out of my life, of speaking with my therapist and members of support groups extensively, and reflecting on our entire relationship... I can only come to one conclusion.

Obviously, I am not a therapist or a professional of any kind, and can't diagnose anyone with anything... But I am absolutely convinced that this cousin of mine is a covert/vulnerable narcissist.

The past two months have been hard. There's been a lot of having to accept things I don't want to. Re-educating myself on things I learned years ago, and learning new things, all of which support this hypothesis. A lot of having to reframe things that they have done and said and determine if it makes sense in this new reality. And it does. As much as I wish it didn't. It all makes too much sense not to be true.

I have struggled with wanting to contact this person for different reasons. Wanting to call them out. Wanting to see if they are ready to apologize. Wanting to tell them what I see in them for the purpose of making them aware so they can do something about it, if they want to. I have to keep reminding myself they are not my responsibility. That they will most likely not listen to anything I have to say and I'd be wasting time and just giving them an opportunity to hurt me more. That I can't save or change them. And that, narcissist or not, they have not only abused me, but are just generally not a healthy person to have in my life, period.

I've seen the red flags for a long time. I have been suspicious of things. Had questions. Noticed inconsistencies and lack of empathy. Lies. Deceit. Manipulations. Not just of me, but others. But thankfully, this person finally put their true I tent on full display. I guess they decided they had me in so deep I would take their abuse and wouldn't walk away, because id been in it for so long. Or maybe they felt they already lost me, because I had recently started taking better care of myself, learning to love myself, and as a result paying less attention to them and their need to dump all their problems and negative emotions onto me.

I am glad they are no longer in my life. In a sense, I think I've been wanting this relationship to end for a while, but I had no reason to cut them off until now. And yet, it hurts. I have had days lately where I've been feeling depressed for no apparent reason. I have anxiety about the smear campaign, because I know it's happening. She gossips and complains about people all the time, even when they mildly annoy her, so I know she's on the war path against me. Even though I never got close to her friends and don't really care about what they think (in a logical sense, my AVPD would beg to differ), and I'm fairly certain my family and other mutual people would know me well enough not to believe her, unless they do for their own purposes, which is definitely a possibility with my narc family. It's hard to know for sure. But the fear of what will happen next is looming.

[voirists]

This is the picture I have as my profile on one of my socials.

Just a lot of tired rambling beneath the cut. Descriptions of not so great parenting and insinuated queerphobia, I guess?

Today my mother that I see once a year (and i'm very happy for those circumstances. 7 days a year are torture enough) called me on my dad's phone since she knew I wouldn't pick up if I saw her number to inquire about it. Or rather, interrogate me about it.

Her last update was me insinuating I had a girlfriend (which I didn't. I did say it out of spite though, since I'm afab and my mom is enough of a fucking queerphobe, she insists on disrespecting me in all ways possible and still hasn't managed to call me by the right names or pronouns even once without mocking me off the ends of the earth) and that nearly gave her an aneurysm, so I quite enjoyed not correcting her about that. That was nearly two years ago.

I also have never, never, ever brought up Pedro or anything of the like to her because she will never see any of his things on her own (she's kind of extremist old-fashioned when it comes to electronics and media too, what a shocker) and her favorite pastime is destroying the things I enjoy and making me miserable.

For some reason, she saw this picture today (I've had it for months) and her first thought was that this is a picture I took of my (non-existent) boyfriend. So she called me to complain that

1. Why doesn't she know about him? Clearly, we are best friends and she loves me oh so much and god, I am such a terrible daughter who just wants to make her miserable, what did I ever do to you? She's incredibly upset that I would not share these things with her (gasp) and she wants to meet him. I literally live in a different country. There are over ten hours of a drive between us (and thank fuck for that, physical distance is the only thing stopping her from randomly showing up on my doorstep and ruining my week and instantly making my mental health skyrocket 50 feet beneath the ground).

2. I seem to have fun. He seems to have fun. God forbid I have joy in my life that she can't get a chance to ruin and make about herself.

3. I am terrible with photography. Why is this picture so blurry? Also, he looks older. Have I finally realized the whole queer thing is just to make her suffer and myself special so I don't feel so worthless? Having a man put me in my place is just what I need, because clearly I'm still in my rebellious stage, thinking I don't want to see her every weekend.

4. She's also calling to remind me that it's mother's day, I owe it to her to celebrate her special day and she's so upset I didn't get her a week-long trip to Italy for two (that I wouldn't even be invited to) as a present. It's not like I'm barely paying rent and am lucky to have 20 bucks left at the end of a month.

And every time, she's fucking surprised as if it was big news that I'm not really into spending time with her as her metaphorical and literal punching bag, door mat and therapist. I wonder why that is. For fucks sake.

I am currently very tempted to photoshop myself into pictures with Pedro and putting them as my profile on that social she's apparently now stalking, slowly getting more unhinged until she's so fucking offended by it, she won't try to call me any longer out of pure disgust.

Apparently "Oh god, yes please" is not the right answer to her threat of putting me in therapy and going no contact because I'm so fucking horrible and bullying her by being myself and not giving a shit about her opinion anymore. I would have gotten myself therapy fucking years ago if I could afford it, and this is a very weird attempt to control a full ass adult who lives in a whole other country.