#shitty pictures bc it’s 2 am and i can’t be assed to get better lighting

[cellgatinbo]

a second cucurucho has hit the 3d printer

the failed print graveyard has claimed many a decapitated head/spare limb

[yikesharringrove]

What if Billy did l leave to Cali and moved in with his old friend, the guy who was kind of his boyfriend before Neil dragged him to Hawkins. After couple of years of him living there, they would go out to a bar with Billy’s old friends and him and the guy would kinda have this fwb thing going on. But then, Billy sees Steve. The guy he had a crush on before he decided he wasn’t good enough for him and left after a night where he had finally fucked Steve senseless —

Pt. 2. Billy would be shocked to see him and before he realizes, Steve’s already coming towards their table. He has came with one of Billy’s friends, Steve being that guys date. There would be some confusion and jealousy from both of them, but they would still end up fucking after the night. (lmao i’m sorry that this is long)

-

This is from forever ago, I’m sorry it took me a thousand years.

It doesn’t actually have smut, bc where I went with it, it just didn’t feel like it fit, I’m sorry about that.

-

“Billy, we haven’t gone out in like, a month.” Billy rolled his eyes.

“We went out last weekend, you little baby.” He pushed at Danny’s face. “Git outta here you monster, and maybe I’ll consider meeting you there.”

“Kyle is bringing that guy he’s been dating.”

“And?”

“I was talking to Andie, and she said he’s totally not Kyle’s type. Apparently he’s like, super femme.” Kyle was known for going for absolute macho douchebags. “So we’ll get to meet him, and totally make fun of Kyle for whatever he’s tryna do, changin’ everything up like this.”

Billy threw his head back, groaning at the ceiling.

“Fucking fine. But if he’s an asshole, like Kyle’s guys always fucking are, I’m leaving.”

-

They met the rest of the gang at the bar, pushing through the small crowd to reach the large table they had claimed. Billy greeted his friends, elbowing Kyle a few times and asking where his new honey is.

“He’s getting us drinks, lay off.” Kyle shoved Billy away, made him bark a laugh. he turned around, was going to head for the bar, but stopped in his fucking tracks.

Steve fucking Harrington was making his way towards him, a drink in each hand.

He hadn’t seen Steve since the night he left Hawkins four years ago.

They had been moving towards something for months, had finally fell into one another, having a night of the most tender sex Billy has ever had in his entire fucking life. Steve had looked at him with those big perfect eyes, and had told Billy he loved him.

Billy left when Steve fell asleep, packed up his car and didn’t stop driving until he reached the Pacific.

Steve spotted him, stopping in his tracks, glaring at Billy. He stomped forward, pushing a drink into Kyle’s hand.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Everyone turned to look at Steve when he spat that at Billy.

“Meeting my friends. Why are you here, Harrington?” Steve gestured lamely at Kyle.

“You two know each other?” Kyle looked at Billy with wide eyes.

“Yeah. Remember when I lived in that shitty hick town for two years? Steve is from there.” Steve looked livid. “Good for you for getting out, Pretty Boy.”

“You’re a real piece of shit, you know that, right, Hargrove?” Everyone was watching with wide eyes as the two went back and forth, heads turning like they were watching a tennis match.

“What the fuck did I do?” Steve’s eyes seemed to crackle.

“You know what the fuck you did. You couldn’t’ve even bothered to say goodbye? Had to run away like that?”

“Wait, did you two fuck?” They both ignored Danny.

“I had to get out, Harrington. You don’t know shit about me.” Steve’s eyes narrowed. Billy admired the pretty eyeshadow on them.

“Max told me everything. I knew it all. You’re just a fucking coward that couldn’t take the fact you felt the same way.” Everybody had lost the conversation, couldn’t derive enough from the fight to figure out exactly what had happened between these two.

“I was saving you from yourself, Pretty Boy. I was always gonna leave. Better right away than let you get your hopes up.” Steve stamped his foot.

“My fucking hero.” He picked up one of the drinks he had brought, chugging it down before slamming the glass back onto the table, grabbing Kyle’s hand. “We’re dancing.” He turned to Billy. “Don’t fucking talk to me tonight.”

They disappeared back into the crowd. Billy made his way to the bar, downing two shots right after the other.

“You used to date him, or something?” Billy shook his head, not looking at Danny.

“Nah. I fucked him once and he told me he loved me. I packed up and left the next day.”

“Wait, you only fucked once and he said that?” Billy slammed another shot.

“We were friends, I guess. He had a thing for me, and I just wanted some ass.” That was a complete lie, but Danny didn’t need to know the sweet warmth that had settled in Billy’s gut when Steve said he loved him, how badly he wanted to say it back, how he had gotten scared and made the stupidest decision he had ever made.

“And then you left without saying goodbye?” Billy nodded. “That’s kinda fucked up.” Billy just stared at him.

“What?”

“You knew the guy was into you, and you just dicked him and ditched him without saying goodbye. That’s fucked, Billy.”

“I don’t need this from you. You do not understand what that fucking town was like for me.”

“No, I understand perfectly. You’re a bigger asshole than I thought.” Danny shook his head. Heading back to the table. Billy downed two more shots.

-

His head was fuzzy as he stumbled into the alleyway for some fresh air.

He tried a few times to light a cigarette when he heard a quiet sniffle.

He turned to see Steve leaning against a wall further down the alley.

“You okay?” Steve stiffened.

“What’s it matter to you?” Billy shrugged.

“If Kyle tried anything-”

“Oh, shut up. He dumped me because of you.” Billy took a few unbalanced steps towards him.

“‘Do you mean?”

“He asked about what happened, and I told him. How you led me on for over a year, how you would let me open up to you, let me cry and feel insecure and would tell me that I was enough the way I am, how you fucked me and ran away the next day, didn’t even bother to call or even write for four years.” Steve had silvery tears running down his cheeks now, illuminated by the streetlights. “How I waited for you, like a fucking idiot before letting myself move on.” He wiped his eyes. “God, I told myself I was done crying over you.”

“Steve, I didn’t mean to-”

“Doesn’t matter. You still did it.” Billy’s heart sank. Steve looked fucking broken in front of him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run like I did. Especially, especially because you’re right. I was scared of how much I felt for you. Scared that if I let myself love you, I would’ve stayed in Hawkins forever. Would’ve never gotten out from under my dad’s thumb.”

“Bill,” Billy’s heart fluttered at the way Steve’s voice sounded when he said his name like that, was immediately transported to late nights sitting in his car overlooking the quarry. “I would’ve left with you. I didn’t like it there, either. I would’ve left with you.”

“I was an idiot. Still am sometimes. But I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for dragging you into my mess. You deserve a lot better than me.” Steve took a shaky breath.

“Y’know, it still sucks. After all these years of telling myself I hate you for what you did, standing here with you, I still-I mean I could never hate you.”

“You wanna come back to my place? Nothing implied, just to talk. Catch up.” Steve chewed on his bottom lip. His lipstick was a pretty deep red.

“Sure. We can, we can catch up.”

Billy led him the few blocks back to his two-bedroom he shares with Danny. He grabbed them each a beer while Steve studied the pictures tacked to the walls.

“Are you two together?” He pointed tot the picture, one of many, of Billy and Danny at the beach, arms around one another.

“Nah. We live together, and we fuck sometimes, but neither of us would be good in a relationship together.” Steve just nodded. “You date much?”

“Not back in Hawkins. I spent about a year there after you left. Robin graduated and moved out here, and I moved into a shitty apartment in Hawkins until she finished her first year and moved out of the dorms. I live with her now. She’s helped me embrace myself more.”

Billy remembers a night when he and Steve got drunk in Steve’s bedroom, how he’d found some dresses in Steve’s closet, the way he’d broken down and cried and said that he just liked to feel pretty, that sometimes he didn’t even feel like a boy.

Billy had held him all night. Bought him some makeup from the drugstore the next day. Probably shitty stuff, but Steve had looked at it like it was made of gold.

“I’m happy for you. I’m glad you get to be yourself here.” Steve sat down next to him on the ratty couch, leaving a solid two feet of space between them.

“You seem a lot happier out here. Like, you just seem lighter.”

“I am so much happier here.” Steve’s smile was tight, a little bitter. “I just mean, without my dad here, I’ve been going to therapy, and I have this support group for queer abuse survivors, and I’m just not angry all the fucking time like I used to be.”

“I’m proud of you.”

Billy had forgotten.

He’d forgotten that Steve had this lovely way of saying something simple and making it the best thing that’s Billy’s ever heard. Making billy realize he’d never heard that simple thing said to him before.

He didn’t even think.

Just leaned across the space and kissed Steve.

he pushed him away.

“Billy, I won’t let you do this again. It took me years to get over what you did. You can’t just kiss me and think it’s all okay.”

“I’m sorry, Steve.” Steve shook his head, went to get up off the couch. Billy grabbed his wrist. “You know, I wanted to say it back that night.”

“Don’t say that.” Steve’s voice was small.

“I did. I felt that same. But I got fucking scared. And I left and I shouldn’t have.”

“Yes, you should have. We just established that you’re doing better here!”

“But I could’ve held out a little longer, long enough that you could’ve come with me.” Steve finally turned to look at him.

“Billy, you did what you had to do. I forgave you a long time ago. When I first saw you tonight I was just, it made me remember the hurt.”

“I know I hurt you. And I’m so fucking sorry.” Steve blinked at him.

“You get one chance. One more chance. Do it for real. Take me out on a date. I want the whole nine. Pick me up, tell me I’m pretty, take me somewhere inexpensive but nice, hold my hand, kiss me on my doorstep, all of it.” Billy just nodded.

“I’ll do it. I’ll do anything. Whatever you want.”

Steve smiled at him, turning over his hand to hold Billy’s.

“Then pick me up tomorrow at six. Don’t be late.”

[sweetheartblue]

An update on life!

Super long so it’s under a read-more!

So, last friday was my First Official Day Of Work In My Big Girl Adult Job! It was super great for my first two days, because nobody was in the lab and all I did was online training.

Then tuesday happened.

For some context: I had just gotten hired for this brand new lab site that the company was opening, and I had gotten hired for a Microbiology Technician 1 position. Now, this lab’s main job is meat testing, which I expected to be gross, but oh....my god.

So I go into work on tuesday, and the rest of the lab staff is there. I meet some coworkers, one of whom is absolutely monstrous. She glared at me, wouldn’t hold any sort of conversation with me, and purposely did things faster to make me frazzled. We’ll call her K. I meet my supervisor, and my other coworker (gonna call her A) who are both better than K. Then, my Boss-boss comes over and tells me to observe the process for the meat shipment processing and preparations for path lab. 

The process kinda goes like this: open meat bag, add nutrient broth, add water, roll bag, place in stomacher, put in labelled bin.

Not too bad, yeah. Is it really what I got hired for? No, doesn’t match the job description at all. It’s fine though, I’m just excited to work.

Then second shipment comes. I’m observing, when suddenly not one, but two people on the line decide to go on lunch. Leaving me and K. Me, who has no fucking clue what she’s doing, and K, who is a raging demon in the body of a tiny woman. K starts filling bags as fast. as. she. possibly. can. 

I’m trying to roll bags the right way (didn’t know how), put them in the stomacher (didn’t know how), and put them in their bins (kind of knew how, but it was a lucky guess). This hell continues for god knows how long, and then finally we’re done, and I’m crazy behind, and K is being Very Rude And Dramatic because I wasn’t fast enough. Girl, it was my first day doing shit!

Wednesday comes around. Kind of a better day. Supervisor decides I must do All Cleaning In The Lab By Myself. We get a late shipment and I’m on station #3 (stomacher to bins) duty with A and my supervisor, and I’m there until 9:30pm, which is an hour after my shift was supposed to end. Supervisor asks me to do a last minute clean and asks if I wanted to say later for some overtime. I had an hour drive home. I said “no thanks, not tonight” not thinking it would make my life Worse. Supervisor makes a face. I leave and go tf home and dissolve into my bed.

Then, Thursday. Oh, dreaded, terrible, horrid Thursday. I’m starting to get the hang of things but I’m still slow af. I get into work, and my Supervisor condescendingly tells me I miss meat and a bunch of other things while cleaning the night before, and that I need to be more attentive. I was never told the proper cleaning process and what did or didn’t need to be wiped down at all ever, so that’s fun. Supervisor then tells me I clean things wrong in general, that the way I wipe counters doesn’t actually clean them and that I need to do it a specific way. Okay, weird, but I’ll try harder. First shipment comes in, we prep bags, and I get placed in station #2, which is rolling bags and placing them in the stomachers. Then, oh, then. Things start spicing up.

First, one bag popped. Blood meat chunk water starts spilling out of the bottom. A runs over to stop the machine and tells me to keep going while she cleans. I continue rolling. K snaps at me and runs over to a stomacher, basically snarling at me that I need to stop the stomachers when a bag pops. I hadn’t even noticed it popped because I was trying to keep up rolling with her pace. Then three pops, and then four. I notice four soon enough to stop it. Every stomacher is totally covered in meat on the inside.

Now, if y’all are like me, you had no fucking clue what a stomacher was until the first time you saw the word. It’s a big heavy ass metal box with two paddles on the inside that pump back and forth to agitate samples placed inside.

To open it up and get inside, you have to grab the front panel while it’s open (like in the picture above) and lift it up off the bottom hinge. THEN you have to flip it towards you and around, so the outer wall is resting against outer wall on top, and the inside of the front is facing up. It sprays blood and meat EVERYWHERE.

Did I mention these things are heavy as fuck?

Supervisor is alerted to problem. Supervisor turns to K and says “have her clean this up” even though I was standing...right...there......two feet away.....and also I have a name. K turns to me, snorts, and says “have fun with that” and then goes back to filling.

I am bewildered. And grossed out. 

So I start at it. I take the trays out from under each stomacher, dump out the meat and blood into the trash (I get some on myself), clean the trays, open up the front panels of the stomachers (I get more meat on myself), try to get the meat off as much as I can and as thoroughly as I can because I was just yelled at for missing meat so since they were going to be hand-stomaching I thought taking my time would be fine. I’m halfway through cleaning, two stomachers down, and my supervisor comes rushing over. 

“When this happens you need to go faster. You need to clean one of these out in three to five minutes maximum because the priority is the bag filler, and if you can’t keep up with her, then you’re holding up the whole production and are responsible for slowing down the entire lab.” He then grabs my bleach and paper towels and cleans the whole stomacher that I had literally just gotten all the meat off of and shows me how to do exactly everything I was doing right before he got there the exact same way I was doing it but fast. I can tell he is angry. He throws his shit away and leaves me to clean everything up alone so he can go talk to K. 

I finish cleaning. I am stewing in my brain about how much I hate my job. I go to the bathroom and cry.

I go do internet security training and drivers training. The second shipment comes. My supervisor aggressively tells me to take my break. I go eat lunch.

I come back from lunch. there is my Supervisor, A, and the other new-hire Tim (not his real name he just feels like a tim tbh) doing the shipment. They are taking their time and actually training Tim on how to roll bags and the correct bucket order. A rolls some and Tim watches. Tim rolls some himself. I come over. Supervisor and A immediately leave for lunch as soon as K comes back from her lunch after me. K fills at a normal human pace. I become bin runner for Tim as he is somehow incapable of moving his bins himself. I am bitter. We finish shipment, Tim is sent to do training, I’m told to clean the lab up. I am fuming.

I do more training. Third shipment comes in. I ask “Hey Supervisor can I help?” He snaps no, so I finish my training. I get locked out of the other training site. I go to help. Supervisor leaves me with K. She goes the speed of light. I aggressively keep up with her bc there are still no stomachers being used, and that shit I can handle. She doesn’t say a word to me when I try to make small talk. 

Shipment 3 finishes, I get to clean (surprise). At this point I don’t care, I only have a half hour until I can go home and I am counting by the SECONDS. Time hits. I leave. 

I get into my car and just cry. I call my boyfriend and cry on my drive home. I get into my house and cry to my mom. I feel overwhelmed and cry to my dad. I feel trapped and wasted and bamboozled and stupid for taking this  job. I don’t want to go back. I would rather die than go bad. I am very sad. It is very hard to be openly disliked for being new for 8hrs a day. I type up a resignation email through tears. I go to bed.

In the morning, I edit the email. Then I send it. My boss asks me to reconsider. I say no. I don’t go to work on Friday.

And thus, I am back to the job hunt. I should be going to a few interviews this coming week. Honestly anyplace is better than that shitty lab.

I never want to work with food ever again. Beef kinda turns my stomach right now, too. 

Yikes.

[diningpageantry]

tag game(s)

anï (i’m too exhausted to do three separate posts but i was tagged in three tag games over the past few days and i’d forgotten to do the last few games i was tagged in and i feel super guilty so here they are in one go)

i don’t know who to tag to do these rn because my brain is dead i am emotionally exhausted and i’m writing a fic that’s about halfway done so i’m gonna say tag anyone who wants to be tagged for any of these. i’m so sorry that i’m dead, i will be back alive again after may 10th, which is my AP exam day

six questions challenge

tagged by @simon--speaks

rules: answer the questions, then tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

Q1: Relationship status?

single bby

Q2: Favorite color?

maroon !

Q3: Top 3 ships?

snowbaz (wow) and uh. wow. idk who else. i wanna say my own ocs matchstick and summer (is that allowed? i’m making it allowed)

Q4: Lipstick or chapstick?

whenever i get to this question in any ask i freeze up because i use a tinted chapstick so i don’t look dead but like. it can also be seen as a lipstick because it has pigment. but. chapstick.

Q5: Last song I listened to?

Run by Hozier

Q6: Last movie I watched?

uhhh i watched like. 5 minutes of the emperor’s new groove a few days ago, and watched a documentary about obscure houses like 10 minutes before that. so. i’m gonna say the house documentary.

21 questions

i was tagged by @simon--speaks, @angelsfalling16, @wo2ash, @alixanderthequeer, @sharkmartini and @bazypitchandsimonsnow

rules: answer 21 questions then tag 21 people

nickname: anï, munchkin, menina, and my hebrew name is elisheva

height: the doctor says i’m 5′3.5″, but they can’t put fractions on IDs so according to the state i’m 5′4″ and i cling to that

last movie i saw: see above (so like. funky houses)

last thing i googled: (next town over) movie tavern. i’m not saying where it is exactly bc hah i don’t wanna be stalked but. i was looking at movie times because they have $5 movies every tuesday

favorite musician: frank iero. love that funky rat man and his funky music too (i’m gonna see him for the second time next month because i made the executive adult decision to say fuck it to my seizures and go see him anyway)

song stuck in my head: i don’t have one rn but usually it’s a song by the killers (when you were young is a usual one)

other blogs: none, actually! i didn’t delete my old tumblr purely bc i’m a nostalgic dumbass, but it’s a completely different login and it’s inactive so i don’t count it.

followers: 1,666 (originally i wasn’t gonna share the number but it hit this last night and i was like heh. nice)

following: 231

amount of sleep: 8ish hours! (spring break bby)

lucky numbers: 7, multiples of 3 (only in cases of knocking), and multiples of 2 (only in cases like volume)

dream job: writing and illustrating books! i have a variety of dream jobs within art, and even within the subcategory of books, but my top dream job is creating inclusive/diverse children’s books that represent a variety different ethnicities/races, religions, abilities, and identities so that children can see themselves represented in media

what i’m wearing: a black turtleneck, a bra, and marvel boxers. that’s it.

favorite food: soup in general. i make a kick ass matzo ball soup

language: english, conversational portuguese, i know a small small bit of japanese (i should know more given i was raised being taught it but i always struggled with it), and i know some spanish. i also plan on teaching myself ASL.

can i play an instrument: yes! i’ve been playing violin since i was 2. i wanna play guitar and i know some chords but i have small hands so it’s hard to find one that’s the right size that isn’t a shitty children’s guitar, and i sing! i’m an alto

favorite song: hnnghg please don’t make me pick................ i’d have to say choke on one another by death spells

random fact: so like. if you didn’t know already, i’m an LGBTQ+ youth activist on a national scale. i disappear on occasion because i’m doing something or another, and sometimes i post about it on my blog (speaking of i have exciting news that i heard, but at the same time, i’m pretty much booked every weekend from middle of next month until middle of july), but........ i hate networking. i loathe it. if i never had to network again, i’d be thrilled. networking is my absolute least favorite thing because i struggle at everyday conversation, much less networking with people at least 10-20 years my senior. sure it’s usually free publicity and i get great connections, but god. at what cost? and like.... it’s always after a really emotionally taxing event, so i’m already drained and then wow here’s a room full of adults who want my 18 year old input. please. just let me steal a cupcake then leave.

describe yourself in aesthetic things: dye stained fingernails and necks. cranked open windows during a spring shower. dried tears and breaking laughs. coffee stains and milky tea splashes. trembling fingers, writing instead of speaking because you’re too afraid, and finally breaking free--running through the rain. scabbing blood, fresh piercings. knowing you’re loved and not saying it because it doesn’t need to be spoken. the smell of a new canvas, paint splattered jeans, and art school sweaters. black skirts with docs, then fairy lights and soft blankets hidden behind sharp profanities and harsh disgust. the unexpected. the unknown. the ever-changing, unstoppable force of the shifting tides. 

carry on questions

tagged by @goodbyedandelion, @isthisisagoodkiss @wo2ash, 

1- favorite type of scone? 

cranberry orange! one of the farms a county over has a market and they sell them there and they’re to die for (altho, i found a sour cherry scone recipe that i’ve perfected and my family loves them so they’re a close second now)

2- london or la?

i’ve never been to london, but i’m gonna have to go with london. i went to la last october to present in an awards show for my organization and i lowkey was underwhelmed. i’m very much a gloom and rain kinda person, and it was too dry and sunny there. although, i did think the huge succulents were sick as fuck. but yeah definitely london. i’m planning to spend a semester abroad there in a few years for an illustration program

3- kissing in a forest or holding hands under the stars?

i’m afraid of forests because we have a lot of wildlife and i don’t want to get mauled by a bear don’t mind me holding hands under the stars :)

4- jeans or suit?

suit suit suIT SUIT suit. i love wearing suits. my chest doesn’t cooperate and my hips always hate them but god i do love suits.

5- loose hair or pulled back hair?

mine looks better loose, and my sides/back are shaved but the top reaches my ears, so it gets annoying sometimes and i pull it up to keep it out of my face

6- vampires or dragons?

i wanna say both. i used to say “yknow a dragon but in human form would be hot” then i got called dragon fucker for like two years so out of pure spite i’m going with vampires.

7- what saying do you wish could be a spell?

(this one’s a very specific reference so hear me out) “i’ve got to go pee on her”  used to disorient and confuse the speech of the person casted upon. it’s one of my favorite quotes from scott pilgrim vs. the world (my favorite movie ngl) when scott’s brain can’t figure out two different sentences and he just says that. it’s so good and just fuckin weird that i love it.

8- which carry on character would you go on a coffee date with if you could?

depends tbh! if we’re talking date date, then penny because i would wife penny in 0.5 seconds, but if we’re talking friends getting coffee then 10000000% baz because i’d talk activism and identities with him

9- favorite carry on quote?

“he told me we would be stars” (i don’t have my book on me so i could be getting the line wrong), but it hit so hard for me. like it’s clear how davy manipulated lucy so much that she fell into it and couldn’t crawl out. it’s such a powerful message of control from those who are charismatic enough to hold it, and how sometimes we aren’t weak enough to let go.

10- how excited are you for wayward son?

lemme paint this picture: i started hyperventilating in the hallway when i found out, and then cried an hour or two later when my friend texted me that he preordered me a signed copy. like. i’ve been pre-planning how to get home from college to come and pick it up (okok the 24th is also my dad’s birthday so i’m. um. “coming home to visit him”, of course) because i’m just SO EXCITED to read them again in a canon way :’)

[outofthewoods]

REPUTATION - ALBUM REVIEW

alright girlies here it is my first impressions (whatever I wrote down after the SS plus a few notes I made when it dropped) I AM LITERALLY....QUITE LITERALLY SHAKING....MY WIG: IS ON MARS 

READY FOR IT: At first I was kind of like…. :/ about this song but it’s actually a really good opener and a banger. Not sure I would’ve picked it as the second single but it goes all the way off. The bass has me shook Line: “he can be jailor burton to this taylor”

END GAME Very…..the weeknd vibes right ladies ?????????? this is like…..taylor’s Instagram baddie moment It is still SO WEIRD To me to hear rapping and Taylor swift in one song. Even tho we have the bad blood remix Im still….shook by Future and Taylor together ??????????? I really like this, it’s not one of my top 5 I don’t think but it’s so different from what I would've thought of for another ed/taylor collab Ed is giving me some don’t vibes..i’m into it…ed talking about the fourth of July is really iconic. Taylor telling the story of how this came about was really iconic too…I can literally picture her and ed getting drunk and being like HOWWWW COOL WOULD IT BE TO COLLAB WITH FUTURE????? LOL and then it actually happening I love her like. talk/shout/singing when she says “big reputation…” Line: “I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me” Her runs in the last chorus THANK GOD…..I NEEDED THESE VOCALS…..

I DID SOMETHING BAD THIS SONG HAD ME FUCKING QUAKING IN THE SESSION…… “If a man talks shit then I owe him nothing” THE CHORUS BANGS…..IM LITERALLY……MOUTH OPEN SHOCKED I CANT BELIEVE THIS….THE M.I.A. PAPER PLANES MACHINE GUN SOUNDS…. This is so……blank space but……..fucking darker you SINNERS “If he drops my name I owe him nothing, if he spends my change then he had it coming…” The chorus is here again Im bopping so fucking HARD WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW I’M……….CRYING AT THE VOCALIZATIONS OF THE HOOK. I’m pretty sure she said this came to her the same way she came up with “STAY!” in AYHTDWS The bridge ladies LIGHT ME UP!!! GO AHEAD AND LIGHT ME UP YOU FUCKING HEATHENS!!!! THIS SONG MAKES THE WHOLE ALBUM WORTHY OF A GRAMMY Im literally shaking like my skin is quivering….that 2000’s fade out……Please kill me

DON’T BLAME ME This is the hozier…take me to church….taylor swift version The chords are her vocals and that. Is revolutionary, Einstein found dead in Miami Line: “I would fall from grace just to touch your face, if you walk away I’d beg you on my knees to stay” The like…..wopping of the chorus is really just…..gold Her falsetto at the end of the second verse. Wig on mars This is the stoner Taylor swift song we didn't know we needed but are so thankful we have VOCALS IN THE LAST CHORUS….I NEEDED SOME RUNS AND THE PRERELEASES DIDNT GIVE THEM TO ME BECAUSE SHE WAS SAVING HER DESTRUCTION OF EVERY OTHER PERSONS VOCALS FOR THE ALBUM

DELICATE This is very Imogen heap to me…… like the layered robotic vocals. It’s very interesting…..a really good segue from DBM It’s got like a deep house….tropical feel to it that I am really enjoying girlies “my reputation’s never been worse, so he must like me for me” why does that line have me crying Taylor swift you are literally sunshine THIS IS THE CHORUS I REMEMBERED….the is it cool is it chill etc…….that’s what I thought CIWYW was after the SS for some reason ???? “do the girls back home touch you do like I do?” SECOND VERSE LYRICS Got me feeling some wildest dreams type of way she looked at me so much during this song I’m emotional, I was bopping to the chorus and she was laughing at me and winking when the beat comes in during the chorus Not a standout from the album but very cool very different good vibes man

LWYMMD Obviously a bop. I see why it’s in the middle of the album and when Taylor explained the progression of the songs this really makes a lot of sense. I’m just feeling fragile bc Taylor swift grabbed me by my cheeks, pulled me towards her, grabbed my hands, and danced with me during this song. Wow BABY I GOT MINE BUT YOU’LL ALL GET YOURS!!! We literally screamed this in each other’s faces it was so……amazing I will NEVER FORGET The video…..do we even need to remind ourselves of how fucking iconic it was When I first heard this I was so confused I had just woken up in Ireland at 6am to listen and I was like . What is this But the chorus goes all the way off tbh This is like a parallel to shake it off….the themes and messages of……being yourself and rising above what other ppl think of you…..

SO IT GOES… Ok I literally blanked this song from my memory at the session, I think bc it was right after LWYMMD and me and Taylor having our first proper moment of the night “Back against the wall….tripping when you’re gone…” This album is so bass heavy. I’m loving the studio instruments, I thought I would miss the live guitars etc but I really don’t because it doesn’t fit with the album “I’m so chill but you make me jealous” Sis we have learned from 10 years of music from you that you aren't chill al;ksdfnjksdhifbknsdfdkjf I love you mom I love the way she says so it goes! In the chorus “You know I’m not a bad girl….but I do bad things with you…” WHOMST “SCRATCHES DOWN YOUR BACK NOW…. Taylor you've done several numbers on me I stopped counting 8 years ago the whispered 1..2….3……WOW VOCALS….AGAIN……….SCRATCHES DOWN YOUR BACK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHES REALLY WILDIN OUT HUH

GORGEOUS This is such a cute song. For me it seems like one of the ones I like less, but at the session I remember being so happy listening to it because she pointed me out and called me by name when she was passing out the new merchandise….so I was chillin Also she kept winking at me during the DINGS!

GETAWAY CAR Queen of whisper singing I wanted to leave him….I needed a reason SUDDENLY I WILL ONLY EVER DRINK OLD FASHIONEDS. IVE NEVER HEARD OF ANY OTHER DRINK Okay in my mind I was like this song is :/ but it bangs to be honest! I love the chorus Should've known Id be the first to leave….this song is full of tea ladies This song to me seems like it’s about a rebound relationship that wasn’t so serious/was just a way to release pent up emotions from something awful “X marks the spot….where we fell apart…..” the pre chorus is really out here doing that sweeties The bridge has an interesting modulation that i don't know how to feel about….this whole album is like full of surprises/polarizing musical techniques so this is cool This is Taylor Swift fleshing out a metaphor/concept masterpiece to her full ability. Queen of literature who is Shakespeare I’ve never heard of him Said goodbye….in a getaway car……. The ends of the songs are so interesting on rep…….this one goes off

KING OF MY HEART “I’m better off being alone…” Miss Taylor I’m so glad that you’ve stopped thinking this because you are really….the most WORTHY person of love in the whole wide world… This is probably my least favorite song on the album. It has some remnants of getaway car in it I feel……she’s cute but getaway car is sexy and sexy destroys cute It’s a little repetitive but I appreciate it’s placement on the album………..you move to me like a Motown beat…..alright Miss king of my heart redeeming herself My broken bones are mending……….taylor I love u………why are u drinking beer when u could be having an old fashioned tho…..beer is gross

DANCING WITH OUR HANDS TIED Thank you piano I love a live instrument The story behind this song is so heartbreaking and knowing that makes….the song so much more impactful to me “You had turned my bed into a secret oasis, people started talking putting us through our paces” here’s a big fat FUCK YOU to the daily mail Again the chorus comes in and is so….huge and sprawling compared to the rest of the song…..shaking us to our very cores! I love that you can hear the frantic/anxiety she was feeling throughout the song….like the rushed vocals and drawn out lower notes…..then the chorus just coming in with GLORY I LOVE the instrumental of the chorus so much…..it’s so beautiful and a little 1989 to me. Like very eighties synth heavy We also have some VOCALS! In the bridge and last chorus! the runs are giving me life

DRESS This song is like a …… I’m kind of drunk in the meatpacking district running from bar to bar with someone I love in the cold with big coats on….tea to me The falsetto. Queen Taylor has really been expanding her vocal register and I’m FUCKING here for it “Everybody thinks they know us” circling back to the overall theme of the album. We know what she chooses to let us know and beyond that we’re just fucking guessing sinners This song is like a …… I don't really care what they think of us I just wanna really…………see your dick and I don't care what anyone thinks of that ! THE HAIR BLEACHED LINE……SHE IS LITERALLY THE QUEEN OF SELF DRAGS I CANT SHES SO SELF AWARE ITS UNBELIEVABLE…….she’s like being humorous but also referencing a time in her life that was really shitty for her so. Queen of duplicity “I woke up just in time…” this line says so much about where she was when she started seeing Joe

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS Oh girlies…..I have been so excited to hear this again since the session. She spilled some major fucking SCALDING tea before playing this so my ass was fully ready to be sloughed The alarms in the beginning…..a champagne sea…..my dream…… This is so fucking tongue in cheek about what everyone said about her #squad “I have to take them away” DEAD this is why she stopped having 4th of July parties klsadjidfnksdfd “Stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand….” Oh no…………WHO WOULD DO THIS TO MISS TAYLOR!!!!!!! “I took an axe to a mended fence….” The mhhhhhmmmmmm………. IF ONLY YOU WERENT SO SHADY SALKJFSDNKFJGM,DFLKNJGIDK WHY IS THIS SONG ABOUT ME SITTING ON TWITTER DRAGGING PEOPLE LEFT RIGHT AND CENTER Hard knock life………..TEA……during the fucking BANGER of a chorus….this is going to be so fun on tour…..SHE BETTER BE A SINGLE!!!!! hE sAiD shE saID!!!!! Here’s to mama…….yes miss Andrea here’s to u queen of the world THE BRIDGE…..SDFLSDMFJKNDNDSLJFKNFDJDSFNSD THIS IS WHY WE CANT HAVE!!!!! NICE!!!!! THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant even SAY IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE Heres to my REAL FRIENDS! WOW….just wow ladies this is the future liberals want

CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT In my personal onion this is the most vulnerable song on the album. The first verse really has me out here crying in the club The chorus is so cute, this is a low-key banger and I wanna see her flying across the crowd during this song on tour

NEW YEARS DAY So here it is girlies….the most hyped song on the record…… Live piano. Minimal production. The concept behind this is so adorable “Candlewax and polaroids on the hard wood floor….” the most Taylor swift thing I have ever heard This relationship really seems like its forever my dudes she’s in it for the long run. She has never been so confident in a relationship that she’s CURRENTLY IN. She’s opening up DURING a relationship which is like……basically unheard of for her I love how subtle this is….the harmonies on the second chorus….crying in the club again “Hold on to the memories they will hold onto you…..” she said she's had that line ready to go for a while but couldn't find a place for it and here it is being adorable and wonderful also the line “Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I can recognize anywhere” Can I just speak on that line again….it is so beautiful and simple and shows how much she’s been through and the pain she has dealt with….and the sadness she KNOWS………..but she’s okay enough to talk about it. Im crying in the club 3.0

INITIAL RANKING: I Did Something Bad Don’t Blame Me Call It What You Want Dress Delicate Dancing With Our Hands Tied This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things Look What You Made Me Do Getaway Car …Ready For It? End Game New Year’s Day Gorgeous So It Goes King of my Heart

[facelessdreamer]

My two week holiday

1st day, Monday: slept in and did things under the definition of “doing nothing” for the remaining hours of the day [overall calm day, it was just the beginning, I deserved to have spent it doing nothing]

2nd day: absolute fucking shit. Mum and dad were fucking rude and I really disliked everything about them that day. So fucking annoying. Really more just my mother. Dad was just a part of it. She annoyed the fuck out of me. I even talked back. Outfit was shit, going out with them was a mistake, for what? Two seconds in a shop then straight home hearing a bitch complain the whole time and be in a bad mood like she always is and then with you too then it having you in a fucked up angry pissy mood toward her and the whole goddamn world? [overall was a shitty shit fucking day]

3rd day: I went and watched toy story 4. I was late for that even and missed the first 12-13 minutes. Got a free ticket bc a friend works there so there’s that. Some guys took my seat but wasn’t a bother. I was hungry and wanted to eat my meal deal pasta from my bag but there was too much light and not enough darkness in the room I didn’t wanna have eyes on me. I looked cute af but carrying my jacket and bag bothered the outfit. Came in handy later when I left ofc bc it was cold. Gonna wear it again bc I looked cute and need some pictures to post in it. On the way out of the shopping centre I wanted someone with me for the whole day and any days I spend like this. And for a bigger matter to have them just to have made all my days better. If I had someone who came onto my do nothing adventures and days out I’d be so happy to have them. I wanted a lover but even a sloppy not a care in the world type of person would do. Just need someone I can inside out get on with and be my absolute self with every second I am with them. Like the way I am alone by myslef is how I’d absolutely be but with someone just beside me doing them also and me being beside them. That’s all I want. Someone to get me and for me to get them and just be one altogether bc we both the same type of people. Doing nothing together and being happy bc we’re just hanging out in the company of one another. I’m cute and an interesting bubbly go to stylish small huggable laidback old soul and nice occasionally or sometimes funny person who cares and loves deep, where’s my person? I’m ready for you. [overall was a fine day, slept in, woke up got ready and left by 5:42, got home no later than half ten]

Completelyyyy going of task there but if that’s where it lead to than that’s where it went. I’m just not gonna fight that habit of mine lol.

Day 4: Thursday. The day that just went. I woke up midday again. I really haven’t been wanting to these past few days bc I have shit to do like clean up my room and go out to spend days by myself and catch films in the dark. And even do some journal work. Set an alarm to wake up around 1:30 even but I slept in after it and had no clue about it much when I turned it off. Had a fucked up movie based dream I wrote about someplace else. Got up and watched some dead tv. The whole fucking day man nothing was on. It’s a fucking Thursday where are all the mad movies and things to watch please. I barely watch tv and today just wasted my time wanting there to be something good to watch but there was nothing at all for every time I checked throughout the day. Absolute piss take mate. Nothing to eat. I seriously have no hunger for whatever my mum cooks anymore. Need food how they serve it in restaurants or other family homes with sides and new dishes everyday. Like I ain’t even being horrible. My appetite goes the moment I think to go eat food in my own kitchen. I starve bc my body has no motive to get up and go eat what’s in my own house. I don’t want it to be like this but it is. I eat it ofc but I yearn for different dishes and not this for awhile at least. Anyways spent the day again doing nish. I was pissed of many times. My sandals went missing three times and before the third I told the perpetrator not to ever again move or touch them and the third time they had done it and I just lose my shit with little things like that. Like I told you not to, again and again with a mean voice and you got it yet you did it again. I have in the past tried to let things like this go but people take the piss and I don’t care I am happy to lose to my shit bc I’m so mad I can’t not. It’ll hurt more to not express it bc something has to be done about this, I can’t let it slide no more. I absolutely hate people touching my shit. Even later on found out my scarf drawer in my old room wasn’t my scarf drawer anymore. I go there to put something in and it’s overtaken by my sisters clothes. She shoved all my scarves in a box under the bed. I wasn’t mad about the move just immensely annoyed after the day of being pissed number of times I wasn’t consulted about this trade. If I had known about it I wouldn’t have gotten mad but it’s like a smack in the face when your belongings in a drawer it’s always been in isn’t there when you go to it. Like tf mf? There could have been something else in there to which I faintly remember was a folded up piece of paper maybe. She said nothing of it when I asked her but I’m sure there was as I remember something like that for sure. As it was a drawer I barely ever needed to open. Mum pissed me off just bc she was around at one point bc as we know on here we don’t hang at all. We hugged the other day and it was alright I guess. She wanted it and was in a good ass mood and I didn’t mind it she’s my loving mother. She usually bugs me sometimes just being around idky there’s more to it but I don’t wanna get into that rn. All that needs to be said is I’ll cry my eyes out if anything ever happens to her bc I love that woman as much as it is never brought to my attention inside of me I’ll realise just how much if anything ever happens to her. For now I just wanna be pissy at her bc of the way she is with me being her daughter. Like fuck just let me be who I fucking wanna be fuck sake. Comfortablly day in the living room watching an ep of a new show whilst munching some chewits but then interrupted by mother needing to pray. Up I went vaguely listening to her telling me to go pray alongside other views of religion she’s advising me to follow like always. Nothing more ruins us than her telling me things of Islam and me not taking it in anymore or wanting to hear it to getting up and just leaving the scene so she also gets the message. Watched another episode anyway upstairs and finally folded the 3 day old laundry she’d been wanting/nagging me to do. The whole time I was mad pissed off at her that I just cursed out loud doing it

If anything dropped on the floor I’d get more pissed and curse more. Just many many times I’d been pissed today. I even had my own feelings bother me about how shitty my life is and how fast the day is going bc I keep sleeping in. That’s why it’s a bother. I feel the day last shorter than how short it originally already is. So that’s been a subliminal bother sometimes a forefront one too. I attempted to begin cleaning my room after but with the light on in my room and it being late like 10-11 I didn’t like the vibe of anything at all. My phone was red zone 20%. The fact that I’ve been thinking A LoT this week off about how much I’ve been glued to my phone everyday almost every second. Fuck sake it’s easy to not be on it but hard same too bc I don’t wanna do nothing else but mindlessly be on my phone. Mindlessly you hear. Anyways I ended up taking pictures of my mess inside my wardrobe of my mini belongings. Kid sister went and fell asleep elsewhere. Seriously bugs me I can’t tend to her needs or give her attention like i can without a problem but I just don’t. It’s either the thing I wanna do or give her the time. I choose my whatever more than her and I know this, feel it and think of this. I suck and everything sucks. Just more shit that adds onto my conscience and moods of severe sadness in me. I been knowing this for time and had intentions to chnage uo for her and I barely met them. I can still make it right so I hope I do after today. I hope I hope. I really hope. Gosh emotions aren’t far away. Anyway it was mostly that off vibe I got and didn’t wanna clean my room anymore so left it went downstairs or whatever.

I’ve been meaning to clean my room for 2 months straight now. Every day off I was tired or going out when deep down I just wanted a lay in. Never would have had the energy and mindset to clean my room if I did stay in tho. It was top of my list to do so in this holiday and I attempted but didn’t succeed. Will do next day or so for sure! Friday also come, be good. Wake up early bitch.

Popcorn chicken

[madigabz]

1-21-18

Yesterday was so busy at work I slept until 2:30pm today...I was still able to get one thought in before I passed out & that was me calling you my bf on the phone. I didn't mean to do that. I am trying to find out where to move to. If I stay here or go to South Carolina. I like it here and I don't want to be away from my siblings bc so much bs happened months after I moved to Colorado and I hated not being there 😞

I know we aren't dating. Honestly Alan, I have expected you to be with other people this whole time. Just like Valentyne giving you trust issues, you have given me them as well. You say you live in the present, but that's really contradicting when you're comparing me to that cunt in any aspect. Even if you don't fuck someone as soon as you get out- I'm going to get old. And if you need new pussy/ arm candy, like you do $ I have no luck. So please don't sugar coat your intentions and lie to me. I'm sorry I hurt you but to be honest with you; I never expected to end up in a relationship with you. Read this draft I found the other day about you

"1-16-13 when i said id stop talking to you you said shit happens-you said you would of neverrr been with me if makayla lived closer-you said shit happens if you get put back into foster care-you dont care if ppl are in your life or not-you walk away easily-you get pissed off easily-you get closer to me then ignore me and sometimes tell me you want to be done-you called me a bitch and you wouldnt sit in the back with me for whatever reason when we went to detroit then you fucked me at whits gmas..why do you think i slept on the couch?-you barely text me or talk when we hang out-you dont explain yourself all that much anymore-you like being right too much or proving your point :p-you rather be pissed off then fix it, even if what you heard was a rumor

you know me-i could tell you anything-you like the things people hate-youre real, sometimes-you see life the same way i do i think-you can be a gentlemen and drive or wipe off my car or just be sweet or cute-we have a five second rebound with each other-youre honest-you dont like getting close to people-youre stubborn-youre so adorable 🙂 <3-im scared that youll just walk away and be able to do it like i was nothing-you make me feel special when you say some of the things about why you like me & how i make you feel-you make me happy the way not a lot of people can-you play xbox too much and you arent social-youre playful-youre cute with kids-you do you and you dont change for people or around people-you always mess with me and attempt to give me hickies!!!!-you warn me and mess with my head-and you give up on a lot so easily-but i always have fun with you laughing and smiling

ill never meet another you thats for sure

and youve taught me how to be more independent and not put up with shit

even though i put up with a lot of your damn shit lol

i dont think we will date or ever get along all that well, itd never work i feel like but i wanted you to ask me out so badly especially when i found out you were going to! But im happy i met you even if youve made me feel really shitty before you were def one of those people to come into my life to learn from them. I trust you and I trust you with my happiness so I hope we can just make the best out of everything."

Alan, I don't expect anything from you. I do appreciate you and value you so much. But we were never suppose to be together, we are each others soul mates and all that we have done and continue to do is teach each other. I made all these videos this past year, talking about the shit you'd say to me while visiting. Saying to myself that we aren't going to work out 😞 even if I excuse all of the past, you still say shit that isn't okay. I've mentioned everything before so I'm not going to sit here and play the blame game. I know I did this. I sacrificed everything hoping you'd change your views on everything in your life. Values & thoughts. I couldn't do anything to help you see the beauty in this world or even within myself. Bc nothing is enough for you to be happy and satisfied. I am going to mail out everything I read today back in October. You won't want to read once you're out lol. It'll explain so much to you. I appreciate you telling me how you feel and I'm glad you're saying it before you get out. "You need to figure out where and who is best for you and do it." It's not that easy bc the bigger picture isn't about me and my feelings. I gave in and went to see you last month....but I know that all that we go through is a lesson that we are suppose to learn from in this life. Our souls have been through many lifetimes and ALL of our souls have to find our divine purpose in each life/ journey they encounter. We are just in the skin of two souls that have been together in past lives. Just like I said at 17 yos you are someone I am suppose to learn from.

What do you mean about learning from my actions, even my picture perfect as? lol. I know it wasn't smart, I had a feeling that something was going to happen. But I'm wreckless and destructive. I consider as my future as well, but I'm still only relying on myself. Which is the way it should be... but I have always known that I was going to be alone, doing my own thing; living in my own world on this journey. I don't hold anything to anyone. I don't anticipate on people staying or even being the person I project them out to be. And I own my own pain that I self inflicted. I accept that chance & still see people for the beautiful, imperfect human being that they are. People are worth the pain. You are worth the chance. "You can't change someone that doesn't want to change for themself." That just shattered so much hope I had for you. I just want the best for you and for you to be positive and happy. Meditating, eating well, healthy, HAPPY. But idk how to do that for you and the more I try the more my heart keeps breaking. And I keep surprising myself. I think that I can't hurt more, but it's never true. I know it all happens for a reason Alan. I'm trying to be as strong as you've taught me to be. Angel told me I had darkness in me that doesn't belong to me. I hold this cloud too no matter how much I try to shine. There's negative in everyone but you drive to the bad instead of ever being optimistic and seeing the good. You'll see in my letter... being aware and knowledgeable makes you more prone to being sad and having no hope. A new girl at the candlelab, Arin, is just like me. She went to Australia and Australians were shocked over how many ppl are depressed and have anxiety in America. She says they don't touch the food we eat everyday. She says it's the food- sugar and pesticides. America is so far up it's own ass we don't see how shitty everything actually is here. so unauthentic. I believe in karma. But beyond religion, what we believe in, luck or karma- all that matters is how we deal with it. I just ram into so much in my life that I am trying to be more gentle to myself and my feelings. I have been trying to mend myself so much lately. Learn how to handle this. Idk how moms deal with soooo much negativity and crazy shit that happens within her family. Like meme and my mom. So much makes sense to me now. I know nothing makes you happy Alan. Not even me, and everytime you let me go- bc you say "you know you aren't good enough" I run back. Even though I can't love you through it, I still try to pour all of me into you. Because I love you. But both of us are so exhausted already. What's the meaning to life? Being in the present, self love...we destroy our planet and all that we have is this earth. There must be other planets with living organisms. Who knows why we are here. Ppl have babies to try to make themselves feel better and be happy. But the world is so corrupt why keep us around? I'm just sleeping and moving, I'm not "living." Being a virgo my purpose is "I serve." That's literally what life consists of and I actually 100% agree with that and know its true. Aries is "I am." Tbh with you you are the only reason why I want to live and it shouldn't be that way. You have too much power over me and no matter how much I want to trust..I just can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not letting myself have the strength to go on on my own </3.It's time. I'm thankful for the trees and that I can swim. I just want to swim away. Just keep swimming for the rest of my life....what's happiness? What's the purpose of life? Self love. That's all that I got. All that I have left. All that I'm trying to get to. I hope everything goes good for your out date too. I don't think we should we fuck. And I understand if you want to be with other people. I've been slowly peeling off the band aid and it's time to rip it off.

I still want to pick you up but I can’t sleep with you. You’re my best friend but I don’t want to lie to myself or you. You know I’m not your future. Are both of us suppose to walk alone our whole lives? You know you got me wrapped around your finger. Do you have to let it linger? I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope all that I’ve done has helped you begin your spiritual journey to the light. Happiness, optimism, self love & rightousness. You’re definitely the reason for mine. Crying all day.

You’ll be out here so soon. Taking on the world and conquering it...I love you warrior.