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forever-his-bride · 7 years

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Our Journey to Parenthood

We're Expecting!

What next?

I wanted to log our journey to parenthood because it started long before we took a positive pregnancy test. It is amazing how God prepares your heart to become a parent. Timing is always perfect when God is in control and looking back on our married life together we can see God's hand in preparation for this new chapter of our lives.

We got married in March of 2013. On mother's day of that same year we believed there was a chance I could be pregnant. I remember crying on the couch in our tiny little apartment thinking there was no way I was ready to be a mother. I called byron and asked him to pick up a pregnancy test on his way home. Immediately my mind began to race. We had so many things we wanted to do as a young married couple. We had even made a list of all the places we wanted to go and the adventures we had hoped to take before we would become parents. We were enjoying being newlyweds and I laid there processing how much our lives would change if our suspicions were true. Byron came home from work that night with a three pack of pregnancy tests. He hugged me for a long time and said either way we would be just fine. The test was negative and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Fast forward several months. December of 2014 we were heading to Disneyland- one of the places on our list of things to do before babies. We had almost been married for 2 years and we had accomplished so many things that we wanted to before we would become parents. When unpacking in our room in anaheim, I realized that I had forgotten my birth control pills. For a minute I went into panic mode. I think we were both equally freaking out that I would not have my pills for more than a week. But the more we talked about it, the more it made sense. The past two years had been so amazing and we were about to go on one of the last trips on our before baby list. So we decided we would not prevent pregnancy anymore. We trusted that God's timing was perfect and when it was time we would have a baby!

Little did we know how long that process would drag on. Our focus shifted at some point. At first we weren’t “preventing it” but that quickly moved to we wanted it so bad. Mother's day rolled around again in 2015 and we weren’t pregnant. Lots of pregnancy tests had been taken and so many false tests had made it hard to believe that we would ever become pregnant. I remember being sad on mothers day for a completely different reason. I wanted to be a mother. I hadn't really told anyone that because I didn’t want the outside pressure of people knowing we had been trying for a baby. Of course we got questions all the time about when we would be having babies. We played aloof like we werent even trying- weren’t even sure we would want that. Deep down both of us wanted to be parents. Both of us questioning if we could conceive. And now both of us beginning to question God's timing.

So we made other big kid decisions and we bought a house. July of 2015 we officially became homeowners. 3 bedrooms- 2 bathrooms- perfect scenario to start a family. We thought maybe this was the step we needed to take so that we could grow our little family. And of course more people started asking when we would start trying to have babies. It felt too shameful to tell people that we had been “trying” since December of the previous year.

We faced plenty of other obstacles. That same summer that we bought a house, Byron was working Cal Fire and gone for the majority of the summer. This caused plenty of stress and border-line resentment because I thought this was one of the reasons we were unable to make a baby.

Later that fall we got a dog. The dog gave us something to care for together and alleviated some of the pressure we had been putting on ourselves to have a baby. She took so much time and energy that we were all consumed with our new puppy for probably 6 months.

In 2016 we genuinely considered the fact that we may not be able to have children. I asked my doctor if there was a chance I had anything that might prevent me from getting pregnant. She said she did not see why I couldnt conceive. We never had official tests done because we werent quite ready for the answer to that.

We geared up for another cal fire season and I was terrified. I thought there was no way we would get pregnant that summer since we had already gone through this and it caused so much stress and strain on our marriage. I had a conversation with my cousin that summer about my fears and my sadness about us not being able to conceive at that point. She gave me fantastic perspective and simple advise on what to do if this is really something we wanted. I wont get into it but one of the biggest things I was told was to relax. That helped a lot. Anybody who has ever wanted to have a baby can understand the pressure you start putting on yourself and your spouse that its not a relaxing experience. For a woman, we feel somewhat responsible for the negative pregnancy tests because its our bodies that dont seem to be able to carry a child.

I took so many pregnancy tests it was crazy. We got very used to the negative tests that we started expecting it. I think I finally gave up. We knew that come the end of this year, byron would be laid off from cal fire once again and we werent sure what his next steps would be any way so we thought maybe it wasnt the right time for us to have a baby.

November of 2016 was different. Although every month since we had started trying to have a baby, I felt “different” this moth was truly different. We spent thanksgiving with my in laws and I knew my body felt strange but I didnt let my mind wander too much because I had believed this several other times. I was “late” but that had happened several other times as well. So I told byron when we got home we would need to take a test. So we got home Friday night, and saturday morning we went out and bought pregnancy tests. My emotions were everywhere. When we got home I took the test. We let it sit for a minute and returned to the test like we had so many times before and for the first time we saw the word “pregnant” appear on the test. Immediately I had tears streaming down my face and we embraced. It was like time stopped for a bit. It was exciting, unreal, crazy, wonderful, unbelievable and so many other things. I ran to get a onsie I had been saving for byron that said “rad like my dad” and we started crying all over again.

Naturally I wanted to be sure so I took another test that we had just because I was in disbelief and it said “not pregnant” Our excitement was dashed. Our joy was gone. Confusion and sadness set in. my parents came over for dinner that night and I was just crushed. I told my mom I had taken a test that day that revealed we were not pregnant. So I tried to sip on a cocktail although I hated the way it tasted.

Later that night I sent a text to my cousin and told her about our emotional day. She wrote back and told me I was pregnant. I told her there was no way. Test said no. she said my hormones would be stronger in the morning and I should try again.

The next morning I was borderline depressed. I didnt want to get out of bed to relive the sadness of the negative pregnancy test. We had plans that day to get our christmas tree that day with a few friends. I considered not taking it but finally I decided to get up and get it over with. And to our surprise, it was positive! As were the 3 we took after that. The rest of the day was a blur. I just remember holding my stomach and thinking how amazing it was that we had finally made a baby.

It still took a while for it to set in. The disbelief continued as we experienced bleeding in the first trimester and other things that gave us doubt. But here we are- im 39 weeks pregnant and we are anxiously waiting for our baby girl to arrive. Im so grateful for God's perfect timing.

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