#slowly replacing all st characters with puppets

[djosephqueery]

Steve's pouting in a corner somewhere because he wants kisses :(

__________

as always shoutout to my co-conspirator @corrodedcoughin

Hope everyone's had a good week, and cheers to a good weekend <3

[s-creations]

26 Ways to Feel Mortal - I: Illumine

26 Chapters based around experiences that newly arrived Geno experiences while trying to find the Star Pieces.

Fandom: Super Mario & Releated Fandoms, Super Mario RPG Rating: Teen and UP Audiences Relationship: Mario/Geno (Nintendo), Mario/Princess Peach (Nintendo) Additional Tags: Rating for Teen needed for later chapters, but shouldn't be to worrisome, I'll have warnings if I'm worried, Poly relations!, Main characters will always be named, Minor characters will arrive as needed, the chapters are not in a specific order, just meets the needs of the given word, please be aware of spoilers.

Warning: It's getting a little gay in here. XD

Illumine: (verb) Light up; Brighten.

Nimbus Land was still in full swing even as the sun started to sink below the horizon. All thrilled to know that their king had not been sick and that Mallow had finally returned home. Much like the celebration at Seaside Town, there was an array of food and music filled the slowly chilling air. 

However, there were a few stark differences this time. This celebration took place in a large, outdoor dance hall. Ornately decorated and lit with the largest golden chandeliers the party had ever seen. Garro demoed his creations, each party member getting their own golden statue. Finally, Geno was actually participating this time around. 

He joyfully partook in the food that lined the large table, mainly the sweets. Even after Peach asked that he eats something sustainable. The conversations, while few and far in between, were flattering with the citizens thanking Geno from saving them. Eventually he claimed a table and chair, feeling a little overwhelmed by everything. Deciding to just enjoy his pile of sweets while he watched everyone dance. Foot tapping to the beat of the music.

“Hey you,” Mario approached, “You doing okay over here?”

Geno nodded, swallowing his latest bite before answering with, “I’m not one for socializing, apparently.” 

“That’s fine, you don’t have to. Hope you don’t mind if I join you?”

“No, go ahead.” Geno smiled as he watched Mario pull up a chair so they sat next to each other.

“So, this is, what, the second party you’ve been to?” asked Mario.

“Well, technically I wasn’t very attentive during my first one.”

“Oh, right.”

“I will note that this one is far more enjoyable.”

Mario laughed at that, Geno holding back his laughter as he’d just taken a large bite.

“That’s good to hear.”

They fell silent for a while. Geno casually follows the dancers before him. Fascinated at how people could move in such a way and make it look effortless. Some even appeared to be gliding, floating across the floor as if not held down by gravity.

“Did you want to dance?”

Geno was pulled back to Mario, the human’s cheeks holding a soft pink. “What?”

“Dance, did you want to dance?”

“Oh, uh, probably not the best idea. You didn’t see my first few steps. Not exactly graceful.”

“It’s been awhile since then. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Geno shifted nervously, “...I’d rather not risk ruining everyone’s good time.”

Mario frowned at that, “You won’t.”

“I’ll be safe over here. I’m okay, trust me.”

The attempt to move away from the request fell on deaf ears. As the next second Geno was gently, but strongly, pulled from his chair. His soul shivering with nervousness as Mario led him further onto the floor.

“W-Wait, Mario!”

“You’ll be fine, I promise.”

Geno’s nerves were not helped when they stopped near the center of the floor. “Are you sure about this?”

“Everyone’s enjoying themselves, no one’s even looking at us. Here, put your hands on my shoulders. And I’ll place my hands here…”

The panicked fear Geno held fell away and replaced with absolute joy as Mario placed his hands on the puppet’s waist. “O-Okay, what do we do now?”

“We just say to the beat,” Mario said easily, already moving to the music. Geno felt a little jittery when he started to move as well. Eventually falling into the same rhythm as Mario. “There, see, you got it.”

“I still feel strange,” Geno mumbled weakly, “and we’re not moving like everyone else.”

“Dancing has a lot of different movements. We’re just taking it slow. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing.”

Letting out a slow breath, Geno lowered his shoulder to try and relax further. His eyes couldn’t remain still though. With Mario so close, Geno felt weird just staring at the human. But looking elsewhere resulted in watching everyone else dancing which would raise Geno’s worries once more.

“Have I told you that Peach attempted to teach me to ballroom dance?”

Geno’s eyes landed on Mario, who was smiling softly.

“No. I don’t think you have.”

“It was a disaster. Apparently, I can combo jumps like no one before me, But moving in an elegant formation is just not for me. Just can’t do it.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“Peach couldn’t walk for a week.”

Geno couldn’t help but laugh. The sound somehow rang louder than the music playing. But he didn’t seem to notice, slowly calming down “I thought you were supposed to keep her safe?”

“Hey, I do that just fine!”

“Uh huh, sure you do.”

“Well, just for that.”

Geno let out a rather unflattering shriek as he was suddenly lifted off the ground. It quickly turned into another round of laughter as he was easily swung around. Gently being put down on the ground with Mario wrapping his arms around Geno gently.

“Don’t do that!” Geno hissed, still giggling.

“You’re laughing, you liked it.”

“Shush, I can’t believe you did that.”

“You’re still giggling.”

“Shush! I’m trying to be mad at you.”

“Oh, guess it’s time to fix that.”

The joyous laughter rang out once more. This time joined by Mario’s. Both seemed to ignore the music as they continued to rather clumsily twirl around the dance floor. Others were enjoying the display with their own, far more quiet laughter. 

This interesting dance stopped when the song started to come to an end. Both breathless from the movement and laughter, which was dying down to heavy breathing. 

“You’re ridiculous,” Geno pointed out.

“You love me for it.” Mario easily argued back.

His already furiously thumping soul seemed to leap from his body. Geno gave a nervous but please smiled as he whispered back, “I do… I really do…”

The room suddenly started to grow dim. The previous song ending with a new, slower song now starting. Following with the quiet calm, Mario silently pulled Geno closer. Wrapping his arm around the puppet’s waist tighter, having Geno rest his head on the human’s shoulder. The other hand gently gripped onto one of Geno’s.

It felt as if he soul was singing. Geno closed his eyes as he relaxed further into Mario’s hold. He hadn’t felt this comfortable, this content, this happy before. It was a confusing feeling but something that Geno was more than willing to immerse himself in the feeling. For as long as he’d been alive, even with the lowest points he’d met, he’d never felt so alive before. 

He loved being here. He loved fighting for and defending those who couldn’t. And he absolutely love and adored- 

“Geno?”

Said puppet hummed softly.

“Are you…glowing?”

At that, Geno opened his eyes. The cracks where the joints connected had beams of lights emitting from them. The hollowed portions of his body seemed to shine from the same light. All of this was made more apparent by how dark the room had become. Geno hyper aware of how many eyes were on him. 

“T-This is new…” Geno said weakly, offering a little laugh. He looked back to Mario when he felt a hand placed on his cheek. The human looking absolutely star struck. 

“Mario?”

Face breaking into a warm smile, Mario gently pulled the other forward to press his lips to Geno’s cheeks. 

“You’re beautiful.”

Geno was certain his Star companions could see him from their home with how brightly he shined.

[weeklyhumorist]

Haunted Houses for Dads

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You stroll into the first haunted house and walk through room after room after room. All the lights and TVs are on, yet there are no people. You scream silently as insanity overtakes you.

You enter what appears to be your child’s bedroom. Oh yes, there he is. He is asleep in his red race car bed. Wait, now he’s up. He has something very important to tell you about Minecraft. He keeps waking up every five minutes for the rest of eternity to tell you about creepers. Also, the room is filled with zombie snakes. They slither all over you as your child continues to regale you with stories about computer sheep. He is completely oblivious as you slip into a zombie-snake bite induced coma. “Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad! Are you even listening?” You are not listening. You are a zombie snake now.

You walk into what appears to be a grocery store. Your kids are with you and everyone keeps commenting on how full your hands are. You don’t pay any attention to them at first, because it’s what people always say. Then you finally look down and, yes, your hands are indeed full…of maggots.

You enter the haunted house and it is your living room. Except, wait, this can’t be. There is grass up to your knees. And not nice Bermuda grass, a mixture of wild grasses—dandelions, crab grass, and, oh no, St. Augustine grass?!? How is this possible? You raise your hands to your face in despair. Ouch! Your hands have been replaced by weed whackers. You notice they are lithium battery powered. That explains the grass. And why your face isn’t bleeding. Those pieces of crap can’t cut a damn thing.

This haunted house is filled with socks. I can handle this, you think, I love socks! You sift through the piles and a vague feeling of dread envelops you as you realize there are no white crew socks anywhere. Only ankle socks and no-shows. All garishly colored. You look down at your feet and your white crew socks are gone. Replaced with ridiculous-looking, no-show socks that are…blue? What the hell? You grab a hideous sock from the pile that is threatening to engulf you and stuff it in your mouth to quell the screaming.

Every door in this haunted house is squeaky. It’s annoying, but you know exactly what to do. Luckily, there are hundreds of cans of WD-40 sitting around. You grab a can. It is empty. You grab more. They are all empty. You won’t stop trying until you find one that works. You grow old there, sifting through empty WD-40 cans. Eventually, you die, and the haunted house attendants bury you under a giant pile of WD-40 cans. It’s what you would’ve wanted.

You walk into a re-creation of the set of the TV show Home Improvement. It’s the set of the fake TV show within the real TV show. Was it Tool Time? Oh yes, it says Tool Time everywhere, so that must be it. This is all very meta, you think. The set is empty except for the show’s sidekick, Al. He asks you to sit down at the work bench. It is very sturdy. He explains that he is your neighbor and the other neighbors have been complaining to him about your parenting. They have told him that your kids like to dig holes in the backyard and yell a lot. And that you like to count to five to get them to stop, but it never works. You sit sullenly at the immaculate bench. Al is right. Al is always right.

You enter the haunted house to find that it is your teenage daughter’s bedroom. Your daughter is dating Steve from Stranger Things, but the jerky Season 1 version before he turned into your favorite character. They are making out on the bed. The image of his perfectly coiffed hair is burned into your retinas. All you can see is luxurious hair. You run from the house screaming. The hair follows you. It wraps around your torso, crushing your ribs. I knew I should’ve brought my Swiss Army knife, you think.

You’re at Library Storytime in this next haunted house. Your preschooler is with you. You’re the only dad in the room full of moms and kids. They pause the story to go around the room, so each mom can ask if it is daddy day care day. You smile sheepishly. Then a sheep puppet grabs you by the throat and begins to strangle you slowly, but efficiently.

You walk inside and all the doors in the haunted house leading to the outside are open. You try to shut them, but they won’t budge. You find a tool-set and start trying to fix the doors, but your kids show up and insist on “helping.” Meanwhile, the air conditioning is blasting at sixty degrees and it’s ninety-five degrees outside. You slowly lose your mind.

Each room of this house features a youth sports game or competition—soccer, basketball, baseball, hockey, tennis—none of them are keeping score. You try to keep score in your head, but it is too much. You perish beneath the weight of uncounted goals, runs, and points.

You enter this last haunted house and step inside a carnival. Fun! There doesn’t seem to be anything scary here…wait. Suddenly your children descend upon you carrying things. Lots of things. Toys, stuffed animals, water bottles, sippy cups. No problem. You have plenty of room for everything in the pockets of your cargo shorts. You look down. Oh no. This is the day you finally gave in to society’s and your wife’s insistence that cargo shorts were “uncool” and all those pockets were “unnecessary.” Before you know it, you’re suffocating beneath a pile of sippy cups. No one will help you, but one person does say, “Your shorts are very stylish.”

Haunted Houses for Dads was originally published on Weekly Humorist