#so im just curious if theres more lolol

[sweetmoogirl]

I'm curious as to the psychology of your kink. For someone so young, it seems like a pretty full on and specific kink. I am wondering firstly, what is the connect between fantasy and reality, if any, are you just engaging in fantasy purely for horny reasons? Does your fantasy and kink ever enter your reality and if so to what extent? Secondly, how did this kink begin for you - were you traumatised, did you simply explore the internet until stumbling across something that you explored further because of the sexual excitement it gave you, do you have mental illness or are you a fully functioning person? I think there's a lot to learn from you so please, the more detail and clarity, the better.

im pretty flattered that you seem to think im so interesting lolol

i dont know which kink youre specifically talking about though since a lot of my kinks can fall under this line of questioning. ill answer this for the three "worst" kinks i have: detrans/misgendering, cnc, and misogyny. if its not one of these three then lmk and ill answer again.

for detrans/misgendering, it really not that specific tbh. theres a lot of trans people who have a kink like this or similar to this. (forced) feminization is also very common, especially in masculine spaces. theres absolutely a psychological aspect to this, as well as a societal one. trans people are oppressed and often discriminated against in many ways, including being misgendered. this kink allows for a SAFE and CONSENTUAL space for someone to cope through their traumas in a healthy way.

theres also a VERY strict gender binary often forced on trans people by cis people, and sometimes others in our own community, that force a lot of us into a box. if you dont keep your hair short, wear boy clothing, like masc hobbies, and transition medically then youre not a real trans man. if you dont do makeup and wear dresses with long hair, tuck, get surgery or use padding for breasts, or act feminine then youre not a real trans woman. if youre too masc or fem or you dont fit into nonbinary stereotypes then you must be lying.

this kink is a very easy way to explore masculine and feminine sides to ourselves as trans people that we wouldnt be able to irl because of these harsh gender roles that we HAVE to adhere to otherwise no one takes us seriously (obviously trans people are valid NO MATTER HOW THEY PRESENT OR CHOOSE TO DO but this is a very common mindset we have to deal with).

i got into this kink bc my gender dysphoria is awful. its made me miserable for most of my life and it, alongside my adhd and possible autism, is why i struggle so much with depression and anxiety. im always worried about how ill be seen, if ill pass as male, and remembering my own body makes me sick. i started joking over half a year ago, saying "well i cant get dysphoric if i pavlov myself into getting horny everytime i get misgendered. haha checkmate t3rfs!!!" and then it became less of a joke.

i wrote stories of trans men exploring this kink in my writing and it really helped. im still dysphoric. i may joke about how this kink is the way to cure gender dysphoria but thats not how it actually works. i still have days where my body is unbearable and the thought of being feminized makes me want to hide away forever. but it genuinely did help to break out of those boxes i put myself in and play in a safe space with terms and mentalities regarding my gender.

in terms of fantasy and reality, this is purely fantasy for me. i have no desires to detransition, nor do i have any want to be misgendered outside of horny purposes. i am a man, i will always be a man, and thats not going to change just because tumblr user xyz called me babygirl. im almost a year on testosterone and im considering getting top surgery as we speak. this kink doesnt affect me on any other level than horny.

for cnc/noncon, this one is probably a bit more in depth. i dont have any specific trauma in this field. ive been touched inappropriately against my consent a handful of times (as in someone touched my chest or my hips) but nothing that spawned this kink.

however, there are studies that show that a LOT (as in over half) of afabs get fantasies regarding cnc and non consensual situations. this DOES NOT mean that they want to taken advantage of. for the most part, this kink derives from the idea of being wanted so badly by someone that they would take you no matter what. its also the idea of POWER PLAY, of being helpless and not having to make any sexual decisions.

theres also a lot of trauma involved and, as stated before, kink is a SAFE and HEALTHY place to cope with that trauma as long as safe words, aftercare, and proper communication is enforced. there are many people who like being in a cnc scene and knowing that, unlike their trauma, they now have CONTROL over the situation and can stop it whenever they want and have their wishes be RESPECTED. in this area, i am the wrong person to ask so i implore you to do more research on your own with this topic if youre truly curious.

for ME personally, i like noncon/cnc bc of that power dynamic. i am a submissive who could NEVER dom in any sense of the word. i like being completely submissive and i like having my dom take control and do anything and everything for me. i dont want to make decisions and i like being overpowered and taken care of. its just hot to be forced to do something, whether that be manhandled into the next room or be good.

this is a fantasy that ive had for years, even when i was a kid. i dont know WHY that is, but i do know that a lot of my friends who have childhood related trauma also had fantasies like that as a kid. i also discovered hardcore porn and noncon scenes when i was WAY too young to even know what sex was and im sure that exposure affected me in an unhealthy way too. again, id implore you to look for educational resources on the nature of forceful and violent fantasies, both sexual and not. its a fascinating subject and bdsm and kink psychology and etiquette has been a fixation of mine for years.

and it is just that, a fantasy. in real life, i am extremely sex repulsed and borderline identify as asexual because i dont want to do anything like that with anyone. im also, as mentioned before, extremely anxious and socially awkward so i dont like being near people at all. the idea of anyone hitting on me or not respecting my boundaries makes me feel ill, even if its hot while im horny.

for misogyny, ill keep it short bc its related to everything above. basically combine my reasoning for cnc and detrans and youd get my reason for this. its basically me, as a trans person, going from one extreme of being so masculine it was toxic and exploring the other extreme. its once again just me exploring a taboo subject in a safe and consensual space.

misogyny kink is rooted in strict female gender roles, as well as the forcefulness and disrespect you get from cnc. thats why its my favorite kink, it combines everything i like but specifically utilizes WHY i like those things. i discovered it when i made my first detrans/misgendering tumblr account and made a side account dedicated to it, and then when i made this account i just combined the two.

i grew up super fucking feminist and i still am a major feminist who is all about supporting women and their choices. i love women and think theyre cool as hell and much, much stronger than i am lolol. this is just a fantasy for me, nothing more. this is another kink that is heavy on the dom/sub dynamics, as well as giving people who experience trauma at the face of their oppression a place to take back those experiences.

anyways thats my super long post!!! tysm for asking, anon, i love answering questions. if you have any further questions then you can shoot me some more anons or you can message me directly, i dont mind :D

i hope i answered your question and it all made sense!!!!

[apoapsis]

so like i KNOW im NOTORIOUS for saying im back and shit but like 😂😂

i am... ACTUALLY BACK LOL

NO MORE HIATUS!!!! ♥♥♥

updates under cut for anyone curious just bc i lowkey kinda feel like i need to like put out a lil report on WHY im so spotty LOLOL but like its tl;dr so dw if you dont really care about long absences bc its nbd

basically my fiance moved in with me this month (aug 3rd ♥) and i’ve been spending the last 3 months stressing MEGA hard over like eight million personal insecurities and worries bc ive never actually ever lived with any of my partners in my LIFE LOL so essentially i’ve been spending the last 3 weeks running around getting him settled since we share a tiny little room now (so cute i know) and figuring out our new little routines since he came from an EXTREMELY different living situation (primarily going from texas life to california life but theres a lot of extra nuances in between and in addition to that)

between getting out of the hospital and getting my place ready for him to move in, i’ve just been under a literal mountain of stress and worry and now that he’s finally here i can actually start going back to more regular posting/rping/gaming/music mixing/etc that most of my friends and followers (aka YOU !!! :) !!! ) enjoy me for!

so if you’re still here, and you’re still willing to help me get my rhythm back,

the indefinite hiatus is..... OVER!!! :)

no matter if you’re a new follower or an old friend i look forward to getting to interacting with all of you again, if you’ll still have me :)

regardless of that, thanks for two amazing years on this blog, and for being a community i can always turn to no matter how long i’ve been away.

i love you so much, ow rpc.

[twistedsimblr]

These  pictures  says a lot more to me as well. And I’m sure noone will take me serious but believe me the story I’ll do you will … lol 

Siren is my favorite out of the kids I just hadn’t figured out what to do with her. Now I have an idea.

As you probably know. The story I  plan on writing all of the kids except Ren die. 

Also I’m debating whether or not to have my simself die He just thinks she had died or something But to be honest I am leaning toward her dying. Leaving just M.K and Ren ( Don’t worry the story I plan has a happy ending of course   Who doesn’t like a good happy ending how if Meg dies? Only time will tell ;) )

But This story allows everything to fall into place in an area where it just makes sense right down to M.K’s tattoos. I also thought it would be interesting to note that M.K spends a lot of time with Meg because he knows this is going to happen  in the future which leaves the other kids sort of neglected. 

And  The other kids seem to be more independent and not as bothered by it but Ren Is curious .

 And she kind of  starts investigating  things. To a point where M.K has to step in and sort of intimidate her  to get her to back off a bit. 

Which only makes her even more curious eventually  in the end she ends up finding it out or he tells her himself making her promise not to say a word to anyone and that could have caused his graying hair  hahah.  But Ren promises him she wont say anything and she keeps her word and he offers her vampire training because of it to  make sure she doesn’t even though she didn’t directly ask for it it’s kind of their thing the way they bond.  When that  time comes when the earth is thrown into turmoil Meg and the rest act a certain way and Ren shifts her focus toward her mother whom shes not as close to but still loves dearly this hurts her brother a bit whose basically her best friend A.J But Ren wants to try and save her Mother because she is aware of the type of man her father is. 

And he tries so hard to keep that from Meg. But she knows too but she pushes it in the back of her mind because she knows He’d never hurt her.  But it is a reason why M.K has grey hair ;)   Of course it would be greyer in the story I keep multiple hair colors SO M.K becomes  Old snake lolol… and goes back and becomes younger again. 

the other two Hunter  Fae and Archie who will be a toddler 

I actually thought Hunter would also survive as he’s uh super hot when he grows up lol but he’d be a teen at the time and Ren would be an adult and Hunter would be some kind of ship mechanic. 

 ( Archie  will be the first to go because I’m horrible hahaha then Fae.)  An Illness takes A.J and Meg and Fae first Archie. 

 I’m not sure about the pets I am thinking something that M.K puts them in cyro sleep or something as an animal lover I can’t bring myself to hurt an animal even if its pixelated. 

But sometimes when situations are dire you can be tempted to eat somethings you shouldnt? of course I couldn’t but I heard stories of survival that were like that. Fucked up really. 

But still exploring this part.I could abandon them which would just add the heart break or I make some colony that allows them all to thrive for a time they take them with them .  until something after they leave earth. 

But an illness causes the Newfie to die or something due to lack of resources. later a warning to M.K that despite the fact they found this colony or something eventually hard ship strikes right? Nothing truly lasts forever. Maxx is put in cyro sleep  thats how he brought him back now.  Or He has the Newfie come back with him to the past. hence why he doesn’t age as well? So many possiblities. 

So this illness or virus   which leads to fae then later A.J then  finally Meg dying I STILL DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT TO MY BABY M.K  maybe become ill im not sure It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. 

Testing M.Ks tolerance more and more until after Meg dies he becomes a changed man full of guilt and hatred toward himself for a decision he made that he thought would help his family.  He becomes a cold hearted and distant pushing away his two remaining  kids and invested heavily in smuggling as well as likely drinking to the point where he’s trying to hurt himself where most would have poisoning. Acting like he just wants to die. He abandons them and goes into hiding for  long time. 

Everything is routine to M.K like he feels nothing. He fights a good fight to defend his cargo from pirates because well it’s his job and it pays a pretty penny who doesn’t like money? But he’s killed alot of people good people. As he’s also an assassin of sorts maybe?  Or just looking out for his daughter ;) despite him becoming this ruthless monster. 

I had an idea that M.K  he discovers a drug that slows or stops his healing factor  for a time like temporarily but eventually over time he becomes addicted to this because to him he sort of deserves to feel pain his healing factor is   thats sort of like wolverines but not as overkill  and if hes feeling weak it wont work as quickly  so he could allow himself to feel pain more intensely as well as  get hurt ..He can also attach limbs if he’s fast enough.Not many try to cut off his legs though  lmao. maybe a toe or something a finger a hand what ever an ear. Lazarus much?

Ren tries one last time to talk to him not having done so after her mother dies  and she finds blood soaked bandages  and blood everywhere or something and all these needles or something But he’s no where to be found at least so she thought M.K almost kills her not recognizing her at first  then  while nearly having a knife or something to her throat asks  How she found him. 

And that’s when she says she’s there to kill him and he just laughs and says everyone wants my ass on a platter Im not surprised what’s holding you back then? Because I’m your daddy?

. Ren being the best Bounty hunter or ranger in the galaxy or something. She and her father  they fight or something 

 But she wins and while M.K destroyed alot of things including maybe killing her lover  or something  a friend  maybe theres some resentment to being abandoned by the only thing she and Hunter had left? 

But she didn’t know the man her father killed wasn’t all he cracked up to be .or so was only interested in her because of him and was hoping she knew where he was she didn’t but wasn’t convinced also stole money from her and cheated on her. Maybe Ren knew she had to kill him  maybe she knew his location but knows she can’t kill him. 

 I also thought a brief arguement ensues with these so called good people her lover included her previous a male and I’m perhaps thinking her current being female.  And M.K kills them because  the man didn’t really love her and was just trying to get closer to him because the reward for him dead was hard to pass up. That though smart She was always so gullable and quite often when she thought she had thwarted her enemies it was M.K who did it all.  despite them being enemies He still looks out for her like I mentioned. And people literally shit thier pants when they run into him and if they want to do business with him well they better be paying good money for it. Or no deal. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if MK kills women too being that upset He goes back to his old ways.. And his sense of humor becomes twisted…  the hilarious thing is that as much as he loves sex I can’t see him even getting involved with someone and if he does it triggers some kind of memory or he feels dirty like a strange tick 

I say this because after sex with Meg he always washes his hands like he feels dirty so I’m thinking he has this thing were he feels gross. But sex to him is a a free meal. of blood despite him liking food. food becomes scarce so He’s gotta go all antique vampire like now which is why he was able to survive him and Ren. 

  He doesn’t really like to leave a trail and he usually plucks off people or women that he feels  wouldn’t be missed.

and had a bad reputation and was sought after she spares his life after winning   He tells her that he was proud of her and she cracks a bit.  Because she sees a glimpse of her father she hadn’t seen in a long time. then says theres a way he could be happy again and it was classfied and hence that’s what you see on my blog. Memories of the past. I actually think I'd have Archie Survive he's so much like his mum I love him 

[dissirnulo-blog]

Hello! I just stumbled on this blog by complete accident, and it's interesting to read your posts about akechi! I'm sorry if this actually comes of rude or ignorant or whatever, but i'm genuinely curious about life in orphanages in japan. Your akechi seems to be awfully not fond of it, and i guess the same with go with canon akechi actually. What are you thoughts?

OH MY GOSH? im really flattered that you found them interesting, and im more flattered that you actually want to hear my thoughts on such a delicate subject. youre not being rude or anything!!

i very well cant give proper opinions on a subject without laying down the facts first, though, and surprisingly, other than passing mentions and links to an article or two, no one really talked about just how awful the system is in japan, and in turn how it affected goro, so let me talk about the system while adding in my own commentary

WARNING: WERE GOING TO SPOILER TOWN HERE.

spoilers and very, very, very, VERY heavy text under the cut. im so sorry mobile users

these are all articles i have bookmarked lolol i suggest yall read them but tldrs aint that bad too

What’s it like to be raised in a Japanese orphanage?

many kids that wind up in orphanages were neglected by their parents or suffered some kind of abuse from their parents. its also not uncommon for parents to leave their kids there simply because theyre too overwhelmed by the job

but even then, some (read: a whole fucking lot) of these parents refuse to let their children be adopted bc of a social stigma involving it. they cant support/cant take care/dont give a fuck for their children but theyre too scared of the shame that comes from getting their kids adopted to let them live in a family that can care for and love them. think about that for a minute.

these kids are sometimes called throw away children by society. goro is a throw away child, you can say.

the kids tend to form a hierarchical society where the oldest or the biggest kid orders all the other kids around. refuse to listen to them, and you get beat up. abuse and bullying is rampant because of this

a child leaves their orphanage at around 15 to 18. once they leave, any kind of support from the government is cut off. gone. nada. youre on your goddamn own. 

japan is a country thats held together by connections. you get a job if you have a good network to back up your credibility. basically, without any kind of networks, youre already ruined before you even got outside of that goddamn orphanage you live in

to add: its not uncommon to hear about orphans released from orphanages becoming homeless or unemployed, and without a support network, more often than not they also suffer from mental illnesses such as depression. or theyre also manipulated into committing murder. you know.

im gonna throw my assumption out here that goro most likely was released from whatever orphanage he was in when he was 15. not too long after, he had awaken to his persona, and thats when he approached shido. probably. if that were the case, then it would align with when the mental shutdown cases started: two years before the main game. goro died at 17 years old.

with these facts, we can assume that HE WAS LITERALLY A HOMELESS KID WHEN HE WENT TO SHIDO, AND HE WAS BARELY LEGAL WHEN HE DIED, YOU FUCKING MONKEYS

“When I was growing up in orphanages I sensed the staff was fulfilling their responsibilities but I didn’t feel protected or loved. When I had to leave the orphanage I was all alone. I had no one to turn to.” — Sayuri Watai, 27, founder of a support organization run by and for ‘graduates’ of childhood welfare facilities.

Japan: Children in Institutions Denied Family Life

basically, the foster care system and the alternative care system (aka orphanages) in japan are a fucking trainwreck, but thats the whole point of this post, so its not that surprising.

orphanages are just really fucking bad, theres not enough space, bad facilities, abuses from both staff and fellow children, that kind of shit

its also mentioned here how those who leave the orphanages have no support to help them ease back into society and again brings up the importance of having connections in japan

adoption is rare. by 2011, only 303 kids (out of like, roughly, 30,000) were formally adopted out of the alternative care system. more on Why later

childrens’ best interests are often set aside in favour of letting the parents or family, who put them there in the first place, decide what happens to the kid, which basically means if the parents/family of the kid doesnt want the kid to get adopted, then no, the kid wont be adopted.

basically, the system favours the stupid adults’ opinions over the kids’ wellbeing. as quoted from one of the careworkers mentioned in the article, “In Japan, the interest of the parents is seen as more important than the interests of the child.”

“The Convention on the Rights of the Child states that for the full development of a child’s personality, they ‘should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding.’” 

hey so guess which persona 5 character never grew up in a family and ended up screwed up in the personality department and got so lost and confused with what he really wanted so he desperately clung to the flimsy fame he had and the idea of revenge and fake praises from a certain shido masayoshi? yeah i thought so

japan likes to cram all these kids into orphanages that, even though there are caretakers who do want to take very good care of these sad kids, there isnt enough staff to deal with them, and thats when what looks like neglect from the staffs part arises

the article lists testimonies from children and adults who are and were from these institutions. one of them, a one sentence testimony, stood out to me in particular: “I don’t have any dreams for the future.” it sounded so jaded and tired to me, and it makes me think of the last time we saw goro in the game. that really tired smile really hit it home for me. goro had goals, but what about dreams?

lets speak in hypotheticals: if goro managed to inflict his revenge on shido, and he won, what comes after? what will he do? he spoke in the ship about being heralded as the hero who took down shido, sure, but do yalls really think, after everything, he actually plans to get out of that goddamn mess alive? goro made it his life mission to ruin shido. nothing matters but that, not even himself. after all is said and done, it doesnt seem very plausible for goro to keep on wanting to live. theres nothing to live for, after that

Witness: Lack of Support in Japanese Orphanages

“Masashi cared about his appearance – he wore fashionable [ … ] clothes and had styled his hair – but a sense of isolation clung to him.” that sounds familiar but maybe thats just me

studies show that children younger than 3 who grow up in orphanages have the risk of delayed mental, emotional, and even physical development because of the lack of bonds with a proper adult or family. orphanages are also a really poor environment for older children, who most likely already experienced abuse in the hands of their families or severe trauma after losing their parents. either way, orphanages are just a really bad idea for children

the first two articles have mentioned this, and now this article mentions this again: kids who grow up in orphanages are often poorly equipped for the real world because of the lack of support after their release, and yeah yall know how they end up homeless and jobless bc of it

as continuation, sometimes, education for these kids are so poor that they get out of the system barely able to read or solve simple math problems. 

children get subsidies now (bc back then they didnt wtf). its around 55,000 yen, or 550 usd. they cant even get a drivers license with it, which also happens to be really good extra points for when applying for a job. another opportunity lost for them

Adoption in Japan Part 1: Why are there so many kids in orphanages?

this article focuses more on why adoption is so rare in japan and also reinstates some things that have been mentioned earlier, namely, childrens’ well being getting set aside in favour of what shitty parents have to say

majority of kids in orphanages have living parents who retain legal custody but are not raising them. because of this, they are not allowed to be adopted, even if the parents dont come back for them

for some reason, japan is really insistent on giving the parents full control on their kids life even though they already abandoned them. this idea is so strictly followed that even a baby found in trash cans or some shit are usually ruled by court as not allowed to be adopted in case the biological parents come looking for them. i know. its full of bullshit.

with that and the stigma of a family letting their kid adopted, it makes me think that maybe its why goro ended up stuck in orphanages and never lasted in foster homes. because despite being a good kid (which i actually think he was), he was never adopted bc his mothers family refused to let him be adopted. its really messed up

apparently, people think orphanages are “the right place for nobody’s children to be raised.” add in the “throwaway children” nickname from one of the earlier articles, i get where goros coming from with his whole “unwanted, cursed child” mentality, and why hes so desperate for anyones attention. spend your entire childhood having the idea that youre a throwaway child, that youre a nobody’s child, that your mother killed herself because youre unwanted planted in your vulnerable mind, and then taste praise for the first time despite it coming from the one person you want to ruin the most, no wonder goro was intoxicated by it.

while there are orphanages with staffs that try their best, sexual and physical abuse are still prevalent, mostly in private orphanages. though they are supposedly monitored by the government, those sent to inspect these private orphanages have little to no training for the job. most of the time, the inspector only comes for tea, then they fucking leave, and the abuses and badly maintained facilities continue to prevail

the article brings up again how children are badly prepared for the real world and are doomed to a life of hardship when they leave. it never stops

in japan, only middle school is compulsory, but most jobs require that you should be at least a high school graduate. only 10% (or lower) of kids from orphanages get to attend high school, because 1) getting into high school is like a super big deal and hard, maybe like getting into college, and normally, middle schoolers attend cram schools to prepare for their entrance tests, 2) these orphans cannot afford cram schools, 3) the government refuses to fund cram schools for these kids bc its also acknowledging that their public education fucking sucks and cant afford to get anyone into a high school

imagine goro burning his fucking eyebrows to be able to get into high school. although, truthfully, i wouldnt be surprised if shido had something to do with goro being able to get into high school, if we still go along with “goro approached shido at 15″ thing. but i stand with the whole “goro is actually smart and intelligent despite being a wack detective” thing bc lets be real, that shit he pulled in saes palace is fucking nuts. you cant deny the kids a genius in his own right

Adoption in Japan Part 2: Attitudes to Adoption

adult adoptions, the kind thats done by adults (duh) for convenience or inheritance etc etc, is a frequent thing in japan, but child adoption, the kind that we all are more familiar with, is apparently kind of a wack concept in japan. its entirely new to them. in fact they only legalised that shit in 1989

koseki likes to make everything complicated. its so fucking hard to describe, but its like a family tree of sorts, except when you (the mother) have a kid out of wedlock, youre not allowed to register your kid to your family tree for some fucking reason; you have to start your own family tree with just you and your kid. if you give up your kid for adoption and they got adopted, their name doesnt get removed from your family tree for some fucking reason, but the fact that they were adopted is noted in your family tree. and this starts the discrimination and stigma that comes from getting your kid adopted, and it makes parents who leave their child to orphanages unwilling to get their kids adopted. its also the source of stigma surrounding single mothers and children born out of wedlock. (hey guys guess whos both a kid born out of wedlock AND an orphan?????) NOTE: this is how i understand the concept of koseki so far, and i may not be 100% right bc that shit confuses the fuck out of me. idk. japan why

so yall know how obsessed goro is with being perfect—perfect grades, perfect public image, perfect everything? as it turns out, theres this stupid idea in japan thats widely accepted that “everything from your taste in food to the language you speak is biologically pre-determined” now that makes a shit ton of sense, considering the kind of person shido is. that fucking asshole. holy fuck.

Japan’s Forgotten Children

it says here that about 4,000 children were formally adopted out of the system, as opposed to an earlier article that says 303. i dont know which one is true.

this entire paragraph:

“Last month, a Chukyo Television director who was documenting this problem, asked a high government official why Japan had such a system, as opposed to promoting adoption and foster care like other developed nations. The man, whom I respect for his honesty, basically said that after the war there were many children without parents. At that time, many orphanages were built. So, that became Japan’s system to this day. Let me translate that for you…There are many jobs involved in this system. Plus, we don’t like change.”

orphanages run by the government receive funding based on how much kids they have, so more kids = more money, and that basically is also one of the reasons why no ones making an effort to get these kids out of the system. the kids are their means of getting free fucking money.

the government isnt trying to remedy this problem bc it doesnt want change, at least according to this guy named yamanta tokuji. hes an ex-child welfare worker who wants change, to put it simply.

he also says that living in orphanages for years damages a childs well being and behaviour. some who end up in family environments can develop reactive attachment disorder in which they regress to behaving like a baby.

the government wont tackle the issue “because it doesn’t want to know the truth and thus be forced to change.” yamantas opinion again

look, before anything else, i dont condone what goros done. shits fucked up, kids killed a whole lotta ppl, and he didnt fucking hesitate to pull the damn trigger on akira, but since this is fiction, context is important. if youre one of those people who simply dismissed goros character and went “eh. hes fucking evil with daddy issues” im just….. :(, bc you fucking missed the entire point of his character. its important to note hes the only teenage antagonist in a game where the adults are the Bad Guys™. i dont remember where i read this, but i (sorta) quote: hes a warning of what couldve happened to the phantom thieves, without morgana, without the support system that they had, without the positive influences that made them decide to do what they did. even yusuke acknowledges this, once they come back from shidos palace after Hell™ happened (i would have put a link to a photo, but where the fuck do i even find a pic of it).

i think that people seem to misunderstand goros character simply because of really fucking bad writing atlus COME THE FUCK ON they forget that theyre playing a game based on japan, where culture and society are very different from theirs, and in turn they dont understand the context behind goros backstory and how japans society views orphans and illegitimate children can really fuck with a kid, and okay, just because youre either of the two doesnt mean youll resort to murder, but 1) this is a modern fantasy game, where cats can become buses and fake gods can force a lonely kid who happens to be a wild card into the depths of hell, come on, 2) goro wasnt even the one who came up with the murders, it was shido. he fucking bragged about it in his boss fight you fucking monkeys!!!! i forgot to mention this, but shido also threatens goro if he ever so much expresses doubt

its also because of bad writing. its mostly because of bad writing. god. goro deserves better than this

goro was a vulnerable kid with powers, and that made him a perfect puppet for shido. imagine if he had known about changing hearts sooner, because no one ever told him about it. imagine if he was able to bring his wild card ability to its full potential, and dont even get me started with the fact that he was a wild card user. this post about wild cards and goro really makes you think, but that isnt the point of this post, so

anyway its 2 am im tired Good Night Have A Swell Night Sir

[aparoxysm]

☼☼☼☼ i don't even know how many i pasted but GIMME

this is literally going to be so long i talk so much YOURE GONNA REGRET THIS

☼ KYLE & DEANNA ☼

who would be the one to randomly adopt a puppy without consultation

WELL, i think this would be kyle tbh. like no okay, he’s usually a responsible guy but hes SOOO easily manipulated and pressured into things ok??? the puppy would just have to look @ him and he’d just be like “no buddy im sorry i can’t………………… alright fine jump in the backpack ill be your obi wan we’re outta here”

who would force the other to take aesthetic pictures of them

deanna 10000000%

who would do stuff they think is stupid just to make the other one happy

i actually feel like both? i feel like kyle is usually the instigator but since being around him all the time, deanna’s really going to get to embrace a dorkier side of herself. he likes making people laugh and she likes him making her laugh so basically he is gonna make her come to the dork side sooner or later~

who picks out the horror movies to watch just so the other will cling to them

HAHA probably kyle.

who is constantly studying and who is constantly trying to distract them

SO i have finally decided that kyle is really interested in history and archeology. i think hes gonna really commit to college this time around soon and deannas gonna be pouty when he cant shower her in attention lolololol. so definitely her distracting and succeeding.

who initiates the facetime calls whenever they’re separated

both!!

who is more likely to storm out after a fight and who is more likely to cry when they do

i don’t know if deanna really has a temper but given that she’s got italian blood in her, i’d say genetics prove that she’d be the one to walk out. kyle would 10/10 be upset if she did.

who stays up way too late binge-watching their favorite shows

kyle. netflix nerd.

who bites the other’s ear when they’re feeling frisky

deanna.

who sprays the other with water when they’re washing the car

both. 10/10.

who has more fun decorating the house during holidays

kyle LOL hes such a dweeb. there’s him in an ugly christmas sweater and antlers.

who is more likely to give the silent treatment when they’re mad at the other

…..deanna? maybe? im not really sure, again, i dont know what her temper is like. i don’t know if shes a need space person or not yet, but kyle wouldn’t be able to stand ignoring her.

who plays with the others’ hair more

i definitely see deanna playing with kyles hair on the reg.

who is more likely to climb all over the other one when they’re bored

i think deanna’s already proved this one LOLOLOLL and i love it so much, its such a normal organic thing in relationships to hang off each other and i definitely see that being her thing. 

who tries to kiss the other as often as they can

deanna. i think kyle’s more of a hugger, he always likes to just have an arm around her somehow. shes the kisser.

who pouts when the other one tells them to shut the fuck up

WELL kyle would never @ her like that but LOLOLOL i bet once the novelty of his blabbing has worn off and theyre an old married couple deanna might sometimes just be like stooooop

who initiates the sex and who walks away when the other is riled up  

deanna is for sure the instigator, as if that isnt 100% obvious by now hahahha and god yes sometimes kyle will be like NO OMG MY MOM IS IN THE OTHER ROOM or I HAv E TO GO TO cLASS so yep he gonna have to walk away and its gonna kill him 100 times over probably.

who always forgets the umbrella and who holds it when they actually have one

kyle forgets it but also has to hold it because hes such a tall freak, hed be like good ol’ hunchback notre dame with deanna holding it LOL. but he’d also just like, get wet if it meant keeping her dry and warm cause hes a ~gentleman

who demands showering first in the mornings

hmmmmmmmmmmmm i feel like deanna. unless shes a night shower-er. in which case, shes a freak and kyle owns the morning.

who sneaks into the shower with the other one in the mornings

well this has deanna written all over it so.

who prefers riding the roller coasters and who prefers playing the games

kyle’s a wimp, he’ll win her a goldfish and not throw up (y)

who will text the other one thirty times in a row until they respond

deanna. kyle probably fell asleep LOL

who always forgets to charge their phone overnight 

hmhmhmhmhmhmhmh deanna??? maybe??? i mean maybe not always but i just see her being more connected to her phone than kyle, like surfing social media etc. and like i bet hes an iPad guy. so like maybe he steals the wall socket a lot and shes like k remind me to steal ur charger before we go to bed and hes like k *forgets immediately*

who comes up behind the other and slide their hands into their back pockets

both? but i feel like mostly deanna. always givin’ him the heckin spooks because hes dumb .

who tries to get hugs from the other as often as they can 

both.

who is louder and who constantly has the tell the other to be quiet

deanna feels more rambunctious tbh.

☼ EMILY & MILES ☼

who would be the one to randomly adopt a puppy without consultation

WELL IF THERE’S ANYTHING MORE SOLID ABOUT EMILY AS A CHARACTER ITS THAT SHE HAS A N UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH DOGS. she is every dog lover tumblr post ever. barney, her UNNECESSARILY HUMONGOUS bernese mountain dog is her pride and son.

who would force the other to take aesthetic pictures of them

maybe miles but like more as a joke because like emily adores photography, she used to do a lot of it when she was a teenager for school because her dad was really interested in vintage cameras (see also: her box brownie collection she considered selling) and so thats a nice part of im to hold onto for her. he gave her a polaroid camera which she broke in one of her first big mental break downs. then some years later, a boyfriend at the time bought her a new one which she used a lot for a while. then they broke up and she hasn’t really touched photography since. anyway basically i think miles would probably know most of this (all her polaroids are probably still packed up in a box) so he’d pick up her camra sometimes like “photograph me like one of ur french women~” and shed be like omg stop ur being a silly goose ily.

who would do stuff they think is stupid just to make the other one happy

miles @ emily. sometimes shes such a sad rain cloud and so i think he would resort to any small stupid thing just to make her smile.

who picks out the horror movies to watch just so the other will cling to them

emily would rather die than watch a horror movie i think LOL. 2 spooky.

who is constantly studying and who is constantly trying to distract them

i think miles respects emily too much to bother her when shes working, knowing she takes it all very seriously. but likeeeee, at the same time, maybe if he noticed she was already distracted he would try to egg it on cause maybe he’d think like why miss the opportunity to do something together instead if shes not gonna be busy??? idk. thats a real stab in the dark, i hope all my assuming isnt way off LOL

who initiates the facetime calls whenever they’re separated

emily. worried mama bear.

who is more likely to storm out after a fight and who is more likely to cry when they do

miles is the stormer, emily is the cryer. 100%

who stays up way too late binge-watching their favorite shows

emily. she doesn’t sleep very well anyway so she’ll read or watch obscure film/tv.

who bites the other’s ear when they’re feeling frisky

miles?????????????? probably??? emily is such a shy little squirt when it comes to sex, i think shes very happy to recieve whatever he’s willing to give her but as for her own actions shes too scared to be very adventurous.

who sprays the other with water when they’re washing the car

miles. if only they could afford a car… /sheds tear/

who has more fun decorating the house during holidays

emily !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shes the person people hate at christmas time. but see also australia has like no game when it comes to inter/national holidays. our chrismas is in the summer so like reindeers and snow and hot cocoa and fireplaces and shit doesnt make sense. its an entirely different culture. same with halloween, its in the spring, there’s no fall colours, orange pumpkins, etc. having these holidays to REALLY celebrate into overkill in the states is probably her favourite thing about living there.

who is more likely to give the silent treatment when they’re mad at the other

miles feels like the angry silent type. emily is the non-confrontational silent type. so both, depending what the argument was about.

who plays with the others’ hair more

i kind of see miles, like if theyre on the couch watching tv or whatever, his arm slung round her and distractedly playing with a lock.

who is more likely to climb all over the other one when they’re bored

hmmm, neither.

who tries to kiss the other as often as they can

when emily is a happy clam, shes very loving. her mood really changes her physical interactions. when shes sad or distracted or stressed or focused, she is very recluse and really just likes to be left alone. but when shes feeling inspired and happy, she’s all for hugs and kisses and touching.

who pouts when the other one tells them to shut the fuck up

miles? LOLOL if emily would EVER tell him to be quiet. a highly unlikely scenario though.

who initiates the sex and who walks away when the other is riled up  

i think that miles is mostly the one to always start it, but never with an expectation that she’ll want to? because he knows how much of an awko taco she is about it? its kind of like a very hesitant, curious sus of the situation~ and if shes down then cool if shes not well then theres always next week maybe LOL. but real talk, i think its really special when emily initiates. its very like Big Moment™ and a real surprise and relief to miles’ stress levels cause otherwise he’s always feeling pushed out ja feel? so i think that the simple answer is miles and hes used to her shutting it down if shes not in the mood. but like everything about them its complicated LOL.

who always forgets the umbrella and who holds it when they actually have one

miles forgets and emily brings like 5. i feel like shes the cutie who holds it and he keeps an arm/jacket around her to keep her from freezing to death bc old married couple :’)

who demands showering first in the mornings

i mean emily likes routine but i feel like miles is the early riser for work and is always gne by the time she gets up probably.

who sneaks into the shower with the other one in the mornings

either or neither, depending on the night before :P 

who prefers riding the roller coasters and who prefers playing the games

emily is also a wimp and i dont imagine she likes heights very much. miles strikes me as the “big panda winner” type.

who will text the other one thirty times in a row until they respond

emily if shes either a) worried or b) unsure and keeps tacking on after thoughts.

who always forgets to charge their phone overnight

ehhhhh, neither? i expect they both rely heavily on them for work so no point with a dead phone.

who comes up behind the other and slide their hands into their back pockets

miles.

who tries to get hugs from the other as often as they can

emily.

who is louder and who constantly has the tell the other to be quiet

neither? i mean emily is basically a mouse but yeah. neither.

☼ ADAM & JULIE ☼

who would be the one to randomly adopt a puppy without consultation

adam. 200%. he has no impulse control.

who would force the other to take aesthetic pictures of them

adam AHAHAHA, i bet he would take photos of himself on her phone a lot. as if he’s doing her some public service. change his name to “hot adam” in her phone and take a snapchat filter photo of him with some dumb sunglasses on or something. use one of those dumb filters that put your face on the body of some dancing thing and set it as her wallpaper. basically he is so vain.

who would do stuff they think is stupid just to make the other one happy

adam. he doesnt get embarrassed easily and one day hes gonna like julie a lot and notice theres a dark raincloud in there somewhere he needs to chase away. so might as well do that with laughter.

who picks out the horror movies to watch just so the other will cling to them

adam but he’d want her to cling to him so it would be this whole elaborate plan. like “here let me set up the situation this is how its gonna go its gonna be great” and julie is gonna be like omfg stop and then hes gonna finish the movie wanting to vomit like “well that was not fun at all why did you talk me into this ur a bad friend”

who is constantly studying and who is constantly trying to distract them

julie strikes me as the hardworking type. adam is 100% the literal child wanting her attention.

who initiates the facetime calls whenever they’re separated

adam ofc. but then it could be cute, like julie could start seeing dumb shit and text him like “i saw a guy who got thrown out of walmart today bc he tried to steal a the simpsons on dvd” and he’ll immediately laugh and call her like “WAS IT THE BEST THING? TELL ME EVERYTHING” bc his job is a lot of boring sitting around most of the time. he’ll learn when her lunch breaks are and call her to annoy her but also bc lonely.

who is more likely to storm out after a fight and who is more likely to cry when they do

adam would storm. idk if julie would cry?

who stays up way too late binge-watching their favorite shows

hmmmmmmmmm, maybe julie? if its something shes really into or is anxious and cant sleep? bc adam is 100% that guy whos like “pf what no ill be up for HOURS” zonks out @ 9pm

who bites the other’s ear when they’re feeling frisky

adam, hes a kinky shit. but HEY maybe she is 2. we might never kno  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

who sprays the other with water when they’re washing the car

adam. literal child.

who has more fun decorating the house during holidays

i feel like julie has WICKED eye for interior? maybe she doesn’t, but her pinterest board lead me to believe shes stylish af. so i feel like she’d have a good time decorating. unless shes got deep family / body issues rooted to holidays which i could also see being a thing. people stareotypically eat a lot at christmas and thanksgiving omfg, so maybe she hates holidays. IDK. IDK THE ANSWER TO THIS ONE but im also pretty sure adam would dress as a sexy santa like u wouldnt even have to ask he’d be so down. i mean this is probably his favourite christmas related thing tbh (NSFW). im also aware that still doesnt answer the question.

who is more likely to give the silent treatment when they’re mad at the other

adam. bye falicia~

who plays with the others’ hair more

adam but in an annoying way LOL

who is more likely to climb all over the other one when they’re bored

the image of adam climbing all over julie is weird af LOL. so like. maybe neither, idk?

who tries to kiss the other as often as they can

adam. hes so convinced he’ll get her to give in one day. ONE DAYYY.

who pouts when the other one tells them to shut the fuck up

adam.

who initiates the sex and who walks away when the other is riled up  

adam sTILL. hes so annoying hahaha.

who always forgets the umbrella and who holds it when they actually have one

adam forgets, julie holds. mostly cause he probably gets them all wet cause hes an adhd kid half the time. 

who demands showering first in the mornings

hmmmm, maybe julie? adams probably a freak and showers at night.

who sneaks into the shower with the other one in the mornings

adam 200%

who prefers riding the roller coasters and who prefers playing the games

adam would LOVE rollercoasters. i dont know about julie?

who will text the other one thirty times in a row until they respond

have you met adam “pay attention to me” kane ???

who always forgets to charge their phone overnight

hmmm, if it had to be one of them, probably adam.

who comes up behind the other and slide their hands into their back pockets

adam. anything for the ass grab.

who tries to get hugs from the other as often as they can

i dont know this one tbh.

who is louder and who constantly has the tell the other to be quiet

adam. obnoxious piece of work.

[mattyslittleworld]

Never Meant

I hear “What are we going through? You and me?” as I watch the sunlight literally tear through the black clouds that were hanging over my town. This is my favorite song by The National - Hairpin Turns. It’s so fucking brutal, and it seems like, to me, he is absolutely desperately fucking annihilated by losing whoever he lost. I’ve been there. And I thought I was going to be there again, pretty soon. I am currently pulled over in my car in a parking lot, as I was on a little drive through the neighborhood. Coffee and some beautiful, subtle music. The sun was out all day, and it’s t shirt weather. So me and Gionna’s ex boyfriends American Nightmare shirt (lol) went on a windows down stroll until suddenly the bright sky was filled with darkness. My one moment to forget about all of this madness was being pushed aside, I just wanted to pretend it was summer, shit was normal, and feel calm and collected, as if literal iced out trucks weren’t being filled with corpses outside of hospitals. We’ve all lost people, in a week, 5 deaths close to my immediate family, bringing my family itself stronger and closer together. Here I am driving into a storm, in a t shirt, just like the current state of American Society. Until.....the clouds part....and as I drive slowly down 35 north....the sunlight starts dancing in the most beautiful way. It was almost an epiphany and it made me think. It made me pull over - within the beautiful chorus of this National song...eloquently tiptoeing in the background. I felt calm. I smirked. If there was a god up top, I thank my guy. But it made me think - hey - we may be walking into a black cloud in just a t shirt, for we’ve been blindsided, but if you walk forward....maybe the sun will come and shit will be better than expected if we stand tall and be brave and love. 

“What are we going through? You and me...”

Currently writing at 2:15 am - two days later than what appears above this. 

I didn’t record any music today, unlike every single day of this quarantine we’ve all been locked into. I wake up, walk over to the mic, which is brand new - and pull up beats or pick up the guitar and hack away. Even if its horrible, its just important to me to get it out. Stack and stack and stack and stack. Ive discovered that during this quarantine - the isolation is making me look inward, and subconsciously pick away at the thing I’ve been chasing for the past few years that ive been so curious and scared about cracking open. But with no distraction of the outside world…because its literally shut down…it makes sense the little bits and pieces of this thing that’s been bleeding into my music….like I said with no distractions…POURS OUT OF ME effortlessly. Im like okay this makes hella sense. With dark city lights and the cage shit and even with the Albee shit I was like…okay this is a NEW DOOR. But do I walk through it? What do I wear? Can I walk back out or will it lock once I get in there? Is it a trap? I need more information. I need more clarity. So without me really knowing what’s in there - I feel like little bits and pieces have been bleeding into my work. And now I finally busted that fucking door down and it wasnt a room…it was the exit to the trap I was existing in my whole musical career. Now liberated. Now free. Now born. This has been so inspiring to me because what people don't really realize about this genre is that its a full on contact sport. Its competitive. Its similar to being an athlete. Which I was my whole life. Similar to basketball - you gotta stay in the gym and the more work you put in...the more shots you take...the better your jump shot is. same with this...theres a fucking skill to it. You can be really good at it. Or you can be trash. And you can utilize it in the most combative ways. It gives me something to attack and focus my need of competitiveness on. Another thing I can obsess over. The samples ive been using in my beats have not ever been used before. These ideas are brand new in this shit. The topics I am spitting about are so serious to me. I want nothing to do with the stereotypical rapper aesthetic - the gimmicks - the drugs….all that can fuck off. I want to make a difference and tackle drug abuse, depression, anxiety, anger, the violence ive seen my whole life, hardcore, my old friends, my new friends, my love life, everything ive experienced. Im using actual real names, with actual real life things that happened with 0 apology about how you feel about it. I want to utilize this to up the worth of my words and vocabulary and paint the portrait of my life. I want it to mean something. I want to make change. Even if its on a small level. Man I feel everything. Its insane how this could all be so evident with just non stop self reflection. You vs. You….who will you become? Like I said…wake up. Hit the mic or bring up beats and just cook. If that hits a wall…just study study study study podcasts and interviews for hours and hours and hours. After that ill play basketball, run a mile, work out, and take it down to Ozark lol. Im invested. I don’t do anything illegal cause im a lil bish ass pussy but I wanna do some crazy shit lolol. 

Anyway, original point, I didn’t record any music. I was feeling restless and packed my shit and drove for literally 5 hours tonight. Went up 287. Hit a few nostalgic spots that I love so much and hold close to my heart. I listened to all the music ive been making. But mainly the objective was to just take a day to free myself of this grind and quarantine and be a fan of music….in the world….and reconnect with that feeling it gives you. I listened to early Alicia Keys, first Drake album, some Russ, some old folk shit, so much beautiful music. Damn it really moved me. 5 hours I drove around just visiting places that my heart are attached to. Those milestone places. Little ones….like a diner in Clark I went to once but something important started there. Or a venue in Hackensack called School Of Rock that I met my boy Alex at…when we attend a Horse The Band show together with a few homies and I got yelled at by some girl by the Merch table cause I used to be so fat and moshed so hard and punched like 14 people in the face and it was so not cool and so out of place lmao. I was in a awkward dress shirt I looked straight out of fucking Billy Madison. Horrible. Its always so interesting to me to return to places like this…after years and years and years of it only being a distant memory…to kind of return and prove it was real. I am such a different person now. As we all are. But I really drifted into a whole other land of opportunity that exists outside of everything I grew up around. Socially too. So sometimes it really does feel like everything and everyone I loved….everything I experienced…was just a dream and didn’t exist. It’s so odd. People I knew for 20 years…have no idea about anything I do now. They just see my social media. But that line is drawn. And vice versa - everyone in my life have 0 idea of my life prior. The people, the interests, the stories I tell are foreign. They’re like hardcore? Whats that? And meanwhile that was the most important thing in my life for literally 20 years….and if you told the people in my life at that time that the people in my life in the future wouldn’t even know what hardcore was….theyd be thoroughly confused as to why I was lying to them. But life goes on…and hey…sometimes you gotta take a trip down memory lane and cry in your car tears of joy that you don’t have to fucking fight loading in your gear anymore and you get to have platinum selling artists touch your beats. Or you get to sing songs with billboard charting artists, who have the biggest billboards you ever seen ,light up Times Square right above the spot you found a 100 dollars with your first love. If you told me that when I found that shit years ago id be like eat a dick we’re going to see Ceremony at the warren American legion peaaaaace lolol. 

Side bar - im listening to the national again. 

But this time the song “Quiet Light” and I want to point out that I think its magnificently adorable that a lyric is

“Im not the spiritual type…I still go out all the time to department stores” 

I have literally no idea what that means but I think its mad cute.

Department stores are cute as fuck because “things” are cute.

Like little things to put on bigger things yanno lol?

I think this song is entirely too amazing to be released to the public, it really makes you question everything you ever made, and reality.  I mean the line “between you and me I still fall apart at the sound of your voice”…OOF. Im just sitting here at 2:46 am on this Sunday, with my eyes closing for small moments to really soak in the beauty of this master piece. Whoever he is talking to ruined him. Ive been ruined, I understand and empathize with this. Primarily making rap and pop music it really opens up my taste to this indie type shit…really falls right into that open wound in the best way. It stings because it hits home so hard, but its so eloquent at the same time. Almost addicting. I want to take a lot of these sounds recreate them, and apply that to the music im making now that exists outside of this genre. I think it’d be crazy and it’d cross two worlds that haven’t been crossed. Damn im out here giving away the tea to you useless fuckers. 

Last night I had a dream about an old friend, that I don’t think is healthy in this time of my life to be around….but damn…it was like I relapsed on the heroin of our friendship. It was the realest shit I have ever dreamt. I woke up - with the exact feeling you get when you go home after you hangout with somebody in the flesh. This whole day it was very real, and felt like I spent a whole night with them, and all my wounds were reopened, all the great times were revisited, and it was just brought to the forefront of my mental. As if we just met. Its crazy dreams can do that. Its just sad that this is such a toxic relationship, and the inevitable cannot be avoided, and a true bond that exists somewhere, deep deep deep down in it, has to be supressed because of the negativity it brings. In the dream we were older, existing without issues, exploring that bond, with issues pushed aside. It was beautiful. I woke up genuinely upset, confused, with a wish that maybe one day we could meet again In a place that’s safe and relevant to who we are. Im at a point in my life where I haven't answered the phone in month for anybody, answered text messages, my bags are packed waiting for this shit to be over with so the rest of my life can begin. Theres no time for friends, love, social activities, or anything that doesn't have to do with business. But there will be a time in the future. This has visited me in the past before. Its interesting when you have to suppress shit that’s extremely bad for you, because its the right thing for you to do…but then the universe bypasses that completely and shakes your fucking soul. During the rest of my day I started realizing that I am really not okay with this person not in my life, like deep in my soul. Its too much of a damn shame, we’ve been through too much together. Every huge milestone in my life as a kid was shared with this person…years and years of growth. Every story I share with people in my life now, was experienced with them, every amazing time, every horrible life altering time. I learned so much, and even taught. I became a young man with them, and then a man. How is it that these new people around in my life have my time…but this person doesn’t? One day we will meet again…when the time is right…..in a different time of our lives. When it’s right. For us. You were my best friend, and no matter how far we are from each other….I got you. In the  depths of my soul and heart. Id literally kill somebody and go to prison for murder for you. But if you happen to read this - you already know that. 

I am listening to “Never Meant” by American Football.

To quote Mike Kinsella 

“Lets just pretend

Everything and

Anything between you and me

Was never meant

Was never meant”

-1-

[iamprish1-blog]

I have always felt defeated in life, lost not knowing my ‘purpose’ or meaning in life, I think this once abandoned space can prove it all. However, since the past weekend, I think a huge part of me has changed, something I can’t put into words has happened in me. 

It was last Friday 23rd of June 2017, when i came home around 12 or 1pm and I saw she posted on instagram that her dad had passed away, i was shocked and found it hard to believe, just a day before that she was thankful for the miracle her dad almost missed death. but that day I was so sad that i cried loool....i cried because i realised a few things, 1: my crush for her was really foolish it was a meaning that is meaningless because there’s nothing i could do to comfort her or anything.. i do not know her, 2: from the text message she shared on instagram i could tell god has taken away a great man/father and its so so so unfair and she really had such a great blessing to have had a father like that! she always said that her family is estranged but she doesnt know its not at all... maybe they didnt always agree with each other but it was still a very beautiful family  3: there’s nothing i could do...and i really wished that i could exchange my life for her dad’s...because at this point in my life i dont have anything thats precious to me and i dont have anything i look forward to...besides my petty dream of buying 1 or 2 audi with cold hard cash...which got me thinking if it were anyone else would i wanna do this obviously nope i wouldnt...and this thought really scared me that why on earth would i have thoughts like this???? then i remember i think i used to say like i would exchange a few years of my life for love LOLOLOL WTF like seriously i just wanna punch myself in the face/body/anywhere i totally regret saying something like that...and im not sure if i would regret saying this...honestly i wouldnt even exchange my life for my parents’ and thats for sure but zac maybe yeaaa

actually last week i deactivated the fb account which i created just to stalk her, but somehow after the news i reactivated it cause i wanna know if she shares any stories on fb...but who knew that the next day she posted for the funeral service...and till today im still curious why she shares her fb posts for everyone to see...she shouldve at least only share the details to her fb friends cause she wouldnt want to message everyone about it...but maybe i should be grateful for that cause obviously i went for all 3 days ! at first i only i wanted to attend on monday...cause its weird for me to even be there like why on earth should i go!! but of course knowing me i have always been sooo sooo sooo so obsess with her... i just went i mean like i dont even know why i went because i wouldnt do something like this at all what more to attend your crush’s father’s funeral?????!!!!!! its so ridiculous i didnt even go to saint’s open house when i was actually invited twice.....and now i attended to someone’s dad funeral when I have NEVER MET THEM OR KNOW THEM AT ALLL?????????? oh yeaa and i actually unfollowed her on insta but then re-followed her again cause i was so afraid she would make her page private and i wouldnt know anything that fear was seriously real lol

it might sound totally ludicrous but i actually felt like there’s some sort of ‘force’ or what that made me go there...i didnt hesitate much not as much as i thought...i was only worried that she might see me and then that would annoy or anger her....however, maybe at first i gave the excuse that i can finally see her...but then it felt more like i just want to be there...i just wanted to be there i dont even know why...the first night i went i was late to appear right at the parlour, so i missed her eulogy, but i was glad cause i could give myself the excuse to come again...the first moment i saw her i felt a sense of relief i think, nothing like anything too much of emotions, but once i was there i just wanted to be there even more....just awhile after i was standing right outside the corner window i saw just waving at first i thought she was like waving at me or what lol cause she was looking at my direction, i couldnt see well cause the windows were tinted and kinda blurry...but then i thought oh she must be waving at someone from the crowd cause she doesnt even know me lol...and then i left early once people starting to queue to pay respect to her dad, i wanted to stay longer but there’re toooo many people soon the sight of her was buried in the crowd...so i left cause i saw her friend and i panicked a bit...the funny thing must be...when i arrived quite early for malaysian timing i stood in between juncture in front....i made myself looked like i was attending the one on the right and kept my head down sticking my eyeballs to my phone...then like around 830 i was like i gotta do something...so i just tried walking towards the right i wanted to see whats behind....thank god i walked till behind and found their room...there’re so many people standing outside but once i heard someone talking i just couldnt care much and stood right infront of the window...then i saw her with her sisters...and of course all the people outside must be think im so weird cause now they know im here for the same person lol i was quite embarrassed for that....but then the next day while waiting at the airport for boboy to arrive....its sooo long i was thinking sooooo much i wondered hmmm why did she only wave to the person at that time wouldnt she see them earlier already??? haizzzzz i was just tooo confused

the second night i went and i was shocked to see when i arrived that there’re no people standing outside...but this time i didnt take the back road...and when she was presenting her eulogy i stood in front of the door only cause theres where i could hear clearer from the outside, i couldnt hear everything she said tho...just she mentioned about now her definition of sadness is different and she almost almost burst out crying and after that i heard something like ‘you know.... someone to walk us down the aisle’....when she finished i asked the worker to help me give the money cause i didnt want to go inside cause i know i shouldnt even be there...but when i walked towards the window where i was standing the previous night...i think i saw her head turning towards where i was going....she must have felt confused like whats happening and of course i think by then she must be wondering who the hell is this person! and so i gave the money with my nickname zenn....cause i thought it would seriously wayyyyy toooo stupid and moronic if i used a fake name like seriously i just couldnt lol... and then when i was standing there i think she was looking at me cause her head was like at my direction but just didnt know if her eyes were on me or what....and then i did something seriously dumb i thought that for her to not see me i could just hide my face behind all the photos hanging there...but then it only laterrrr i realised that from HER PERSPECTIVE she would still see me cause ughhhh like seriously cant believe im SOOOOOO DUMBBBB!!!! ohh and then at one point when her sister walked behind to take something or what she followed behind too....so means i could have see her standing right in front of me but then i turned around cause like of course i was afraid she would like know which now i realise its all soooooo stupid cause i mean like seriously its sooooo bloody obvious i was looking at her the whole time...but then im not sure if she knew who i am.....when people were like paying respect to them i was standing on the other side of the window means i was standing behind them, and then suddenly i think i saw her friend looking at my direction cause i was like the only weirdo standing outside looking inside! but then actually i still cant be too sure cause i was standing quite a distance and i couldnt see well through the blurry window and then i got panicked more and ran away lolol....but i was glad that there’re a lot of people giving them comfort SO MANY HUGS LOL! sometimes i wish i could hug her lolololollll

on monday it was the funeral service in the morning, and i think the timing was right from the beginning cause papa was already planning not to go to site on monday, so i had no reasons not to go....and again i just felt like i gotta be there...and this time i went inside and sat at the last row which then after that i saw the guy i was sitting next to was actually her friend lol cause he hugged her...and then he was with her other friends....and then i was like damnit! damn i miss one thing....her family went to calvary church...i think i heard that since the first night but didnt bother so much....but then on the second night when a pastor was like giving his short speech....i had my head on the ground cause you know standing for so long is back breaking and tiring plus i have working so hard at the site :( but then suddenly a familiar voice had my head raised up....i looked through the blurry window and thought is that the very very very very fussy pastor????? ok so i just googled yep the pastor should be pastor richard that one i know...but im not sure if the one there was the same....however its on monday pastor steven that really made me think was i really meant to just be there? cause again most of the time my head wasnt looking straight up except when her sister was singing and damn her voice is greattttttt i dont think any chinese can sing sooooo well!!!! even betterrrr than jacklyn victor or something lol! too bad she isnt a singer....but then again too bad im not a film star when im so funny i could be the chinese gianna jun lolol HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AHA AHAHAHA ok pls prisha! right....the pastor his voice was so so so familiar and comforting like i just heard it yesterday not like literally but like just recently, which is weird cause its been yearss since i last attended to calvary and thats before they moved, plus have i even been there more than 50 times??? lol! idk but now i really want to hear his voice again cause its like reassuring...and im not sure if i could remember voices or its just that pastors’ voice is more anointing to the ears.....and also there’s another pastor who share the story her dad made him a charger thing....its really weird cause i never expected to remember pastors faces cause theyre all like old men right all look almost the same....but then i know i will never hear pastor steven’s voice again cause i will not go to such a huge convention center it just doesnt feel like a church thats so commercialised....tho dumc hall kinda big too...but then i now realise i really prefer their voices more than the pastors in dumc lolol i think im weirder than the person who married eiffel tower lel

anyways when i was sitting down i turned behind and saw some of the pictures there, i knew i could easily walked up and take a closer look at all the pictures, but i didnt cause i know i didnt have the rights or deserve to do that, just like how i wish i could have the chance to see her dad but i couldnt, there’s no reason for me to. i wonder if anyone believes that true love can actually transcends space...no doubt i could feel the unconditional love he had in him...i mean i didnt need to listen to all the testimony to know like seriously his face showed it all ! ! ! one thing for sure i definitely felt inspire that i would like to dedicate all my faithful love to someone...i dont know who it will be or what will actually happen in my future....but i know i will wait patiently for the person to show up....it makes me wonder if she actually has TOOOO much love in her that she sorta a player tho HA HA AHAA....ok jokes i shouldnt tease people when their loved one just passed away....but i know even if i have way tooo much in me i would still only give it to one person, there will always be room for only one in my heart....maybe its also why now i just feel like shutting myself out from the world....i dont even feel like talking to shalinn i mean i wanted to at least remain some kind of acquaintance and go to their final studio presentation....but now i really cant....i dont know how to process what im feeling is too weird i need time to forget this i need time for my prayers to come true then only can i open my heart.....meanwhile i will do whatever i was planning to do slowly and hopefully the day i stopped stalking her will come soon.....truth is im kinda frustrated too...i dont get why is it that i felt like there’s some sort of i dont ‘spirit’ or whatever shit pushing me to go there....but god doesnt even bother to tell me WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT WITH MY LIFE!! i just want the feeling whereby it just flow and its smooth and everything feels right....because i didnt have anxiety at all when i was there, just nervous cause first time going to a place where no stranger would ever go is seriously something lel! and maybe a bit of panic and trying to run away trying to hide which all didnt work didnt make sense lolol...like when after her dad casket were inside to be cremated...her friends were like walking out and coming towards my way, i panicked that i was like damnit now i gotta go for real...but then i was so nervous i missed the entrance just on my left then walked a round and then got shocked confused why the hell i came back to the same place....and seriously at that moment i thought i was gonna faint cause the weather was bloody scorching hot and i had a cap on and i didnt eat breakfast and i was confused like where the hell is the exit??????? but then i ha d the chance to stay longer like to look at her lololol like seriously damn stupid...till the end i finally leave when more people were leaving

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