#so in conclusion i can trod along playing life one difficulty setting higher
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Called five pharmacies to see if they had any adderall which was definitely worse for my mental health than not having any adderall
#which of course makes a self doubt spiral maybe everyone is right and add is fake and if it is real i don't have it#which i why i think the glasses analogy is useful#because my vision is real bad but without corrective lenses i could still do most things#including drive probably but i couldn't read a sign to save my life or do many things people take for granted#like see the faces of people who are more than a couple feet away#so do i NEED glasses#do i DESERVE glasses#so not only is the process of calling half a dozen pharmacies for something that i know they probably don't have the fucking worst#it makes me feel like utter shit that the universe slash drug companies slash the DEA#made something that ok yeah sure i can do without but is certainly HELPFUL so difficult#and difficult in a way that is specifically difficult for people who have the brain problems that the medication theoretically helps with#it's like asking for help and getting backhanded#which definitely reinforces existing predilection toward not seeking help#you're on your own kid!#so in conclusion i can trod along playing life one difficulty setting higher#as i have done the first 30 odd years of my life#or i can do something that may not even work that makes me feel like crawling under my bed and dying
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