okay one more thing about food
i think my biggest anxiety about food doesnt come from taste or ingredients or anything like that, it has to do with texture. i just get really irrationally grossed out by the texture of some food. i just cant do it sometimes, idk what to do about that.... i dont have a real reason for it, i just... idk. is this an adhd/autism thing? thinking about trying new foods and having all sorts of unfamiliar textures and stuff in my mouth makes me literally feel like im gonna vomit. ive never even really had soup, because the texture of the liquids just seems too... ugh idk, im trying to talk about this right now but my brain is just going “stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this”
ios;ldknjfsiekgf i just wish food was a non-issue in my life. i wish i had a repertoire of like 40 foods or however many most people regularly have, and so trying new things was easier because most of the time the new foods would have ingredients and things in common with the foods i already know, but like, as things are now, fuckin goddamn everything is uncomfortable for me except for cheese and like... hamburger. and only well done. and no toppings, just cheese and burger. im the worst. i just wish i didnt obsess about this. i wish thinking about the texture of a food that im mostly unfamiliar with didnt make my skin crawl. im not even talking about particularly gross foods here, im talking about a lot of stuff that most people have no problem at all with. sigh.
is this an adhd/autism thing though? i feel like it might be, ive heard of things like this with autism. idk if im autistic or not, i dont thiiiink i am, tho idk... the traits relating to socializing and stuff dont really ring true for me, but a lot of the other ones do, which i guess is kinda just what adhd is, lol. but yeah i just... i like what im familiar with, and anything unfamiliar i perceive as being like “not for me”. like not just that it’s not made for me, but that it’s something not available to me. something other people talk about but i dont partake in. not that i cant or that i wont... but that i just... dont. by default i just dont. that goes for all sorts of things in my life. i cling to whats familiar to me. that obviously does expand over time, but you know, i dont tend to seek that out. the only things im adventurous with are media, i like seeking out new media like songs and shows and videos and stuff all the time, but at the same time i do often watch and rewatch the stuff im familiar with.
anyway, im rambling. i just have a lot of anxiety about food. taste is such a visceral sense, and feeling things inside my mouth and with my tongue is very different than feeling things with my hands (though there is also a lot of stuff im extremely squeamish about touching, now that i think about it...........), and i just... idk... i just push it out of my mind and sjdkfmslkfmsg ugh
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