#so now i have two bands that apparently are capable of emotionally ruining me

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

i would like to clarify that even though i am currently spamming sweet posts, iron maiden will never be replaced as my favorite band ever and no other band will ever make me feel the way they do, but i have very different feelings about sweet that are also important because of childhood reasons and i feel like those feelings have just been suppressed for like 20+ years and now they’re bubbling up and overflowing out of my heart all at once. and now i am also discovering how ADORABLE THEY ARE as PEOPLE

[whxtless]

You don't listen. You don't take in how I'm feeling, or what I'm trying to tell you. It's apparently always me trying to attack you, blame faults or put words in your mouth. For fuck sake's, I'm trying to tell you I see us being together in the future. Oh but you've moved on because I pushed you away? Because I simply said how I felt? But I don't think about you or put you first? You're doing the same thing to me and you don't even realize it. You've made your mistakes and I've made mine. You missed my graduation and dumped me because you felt pathetic. I took you back, because I loved you. I made you multiple gifts, most of them took time and money to make. Each gift to this day, is destroyed by you. Anger took it's part. All reasons to push me away. Would I continue to make gifts for you? Of course I would. I forgived you, because I loved you. I cheated, and it's the one thing I will always regret with my whole heart. It kills me every single day. I thought about you the next day, and I immediately told you because I could not bare to live my life with guilt, knowing I had hurt my husband. I destroyed you. I made you feel like you weren't good enough. But you were. You are. I had ruined our sex life for a bit. But you took me back, because you loved me. You had every right to leave, but you didn't. You found a conversation between my ex and I. A conversation that meant nothing but should have never existed. I hurt you again. You dumped me but we were still seeing each other. I broke my back to show you I could change. While you were at work, I cleaned your house so when you came home all you needed to do was shower and relax. Your bowl would be ready to smoke. But after finding out you were talking to other chicks, I panicked and tried to get them out of your life. And that was when I had fucked up, again. The thought of losing my husband to a bunch of whores, made me sick to my stomach. But it was too late. You chose her and the night I saw the photo of you two together my heart sank. I messaged her, but it was you. It was you telling me I'm a whore, I'm a slut, I'm ugly, I'm this or that. How you should punch me in the head multiple times until I'm dead. How you'd be happier if I was dead. I put myself in the hospital, told you that hoping you'd realize what you were doing to me, and you told me I should die. You told me to kill myself. The love of my life told me I had no reason to live anymore. How the doctors should pull the plug. You pictured me in a building while you blew it up. You had destroyed every inch of me, physically and emotionally. And that's when I accepted who I was and what I had done to you. I let you be because I loved you too much, and it hurt. I spent 10 months in another relationship, moving on from what you had done to me. During that, you had gotten your explanation to that conversation and you had never felt so dumb in your life. Of course I'm no good with words but when thought about, I can put words together no problem. I woke up everyday wearing your rings, your bracelets, checked your Instagram, even said happy birthday to you and made a video for you when I shouldn't have. But I never think about you or put you first right? I came back once, then left. I hurt you again. But I'm back again, and the last thing I'm trying to do is hurt you. You made one of my dreams come true. You got me tickets to my favourite band, The 1975. A concert which you wanted to go with me to but couldn't because I was with somebody else. It's a concert I would love to see again with you but I'm not sure if it will happen now. You did a lot for me. You made sure I was safe. You would pick me up and drop me off at the bus stop. You would feed me, bathe me, spoil me, you did everything you could. You worked hard, went through multiple jobs until you stood with one. A job you hated, but woke up every morning because you were doing it for us. None of it is taken for granted or ever will be. You did a lot. But the one thing you struggled to do was listen to me. Whenever we fought, I struggled to open up to you. I struggled to communicate with you and it's still a struggle to this day. Why? Because instead of just understanding how I feel and listening to the things I say, you just reply with whatever comes out of your mouth. It's a battle to see who's done worse to each other. You don't ask me why I feel what I'm feeling. You don't stop and ask questions. You don't figure me out. You attack. You fight. You battle. You assume I'm out to get you. I know I'm no better. I struggled to ask you how your day was, how you were feeling or how you were doing. But I eventually would have realized that. It would have taken time until we both became civil. But if you actually took in why I say the things I say or do, you would know I need reassurance. You would know I need help. And if coming to you about them isn't me thinking about you, well I don't know what else to say. I could go to another friend and tell them how much I hate myself, my life and why I want to die and they would tell me for hours why I should love myself, my life and why I should live. But when I came to you about it? You assumed I was out to hurt you. You thought I was pushing you away. When in reality I wanted you to do what any other friend of mine would've done. Reassure me. Help me. Love me. You would have done way more than any other friend. You would have told me to meet up with you. You would found a way to make me laugh. You would have done something to cheer me up. Everything I was saying to you was just too much. When I say things like "you don't love me" or "you don't care about me" or anything else that isn't true it's me asking you to calmly remind me of how much you do. I never thought of how much it was hurting you. I thought you would have been patient with me because you boasted about how you would never give up on me. You would do anything to keep me. I forgot you spent over 2 years building me up and making me the woman I need to be, that everything I was saying was hurting you and I'm sorry. But you ran away and found somebody else who's there for you. Even though I knew what I said was dumb, I tried to talk to you. I tried to get ahold of you. I fucking thought about you and at that point I didn't think there was anybody else. You ignored me and chose to communicate with somebody else. You fucked her too. I failed to explain to you why I couldn't be with you. But I left it at that. Everytime we hungout, you wanted me to explain what we were. We were nothing but friends. I needed a friend, somebody I knew that loved me and would be there for me. I wanted that friend to be you. I failed to tell you that I wanted us to try again but not any time soon. You wanted me in ways I could not give you and you failed to understand that. You would not give me time to figure out what I needed to explain to you. So instead you took my thoughts and feelings as a way of me apparently trying to push you away. Things you didn't want to hear that I was saying about myself, you, us, hurt you. None of it is me telling you to kill yourself, or that you're this or that. It's all me needing reassurance, a reminder that I'll be okay, that you'll be okay. But no it's me "pushing you away", no, you chose to walk away. You chose to walk away the first time and you chose to do it again. Nobody pushed you away but your damn self. I chose to cheat. I chose to speak to my ex. I chose to make gifts for you. You chose to feed me, spoil me, and take care of me. You chose to miss my graduation. You chose to give me another chance but never forget. You chose to be with that whore and tell me to die. I chose to forgive you but never forget. And now I chose you to be my friend, because I needed one. Specifically you for reasons listed earlier. I chose to say stupid shit. I chose to be upset with my life and take it out on you. You chose to ignore my messages because you failed to understand why I was saying the things I was saying. You chose to ignore my calls. I chose to say what I said. I chose to go to your house and talk to you. I chose to be stubborn and not leave. You chose to say the things you said to my face. You chose to go see her. You chose to fuck her. And now you're choosing her. My point is, we all make decisions and choices. Nobody has faults. We have mistakes. We all do the things we do for a reason. We are humans. Don't you ever fucking say I don't think about you or put you first. Since we started dating I told you and myself that you could hurt me all you wanted as long as it meant you were in my life. THAT'S PUTTING YOU FIRST. And you have hurt me in ways I get nightmares about. I'm fucking telling you to be happy with your new woman because I physically, emotionally, and mentally cannot be in your life knowing that she could potentially replace me. I want you to be happy. THAT'S PUTTING YOU FIRST. You fail to understand that you've done things to me that will never be forgotten. Said things to me that will never be forgotten. And I still have hope for us. I've done things to you, said things to you that will never be forgotten. But you're so quick to leave right? It's me pushing you away right? I guess this is it. You chose her, remember that. Men can't handle being hurt like a woman does. This proves how much of a fact it is. I don't fear of you being with somebody else anymore. I don't fear of losing you for good. Why? Because I'm capable of being with somebody else too. Just like how I'm replaceable, so are you. You were once and it was because YOU pushed ME away. Guess it's my turn. I "push you away" and now I'm being replaced. She'll replace my smell on your bed sheets, your blankets and clothes. She'll replace my taste in your mouth, my kisses and giggles. Most importantly she'll replace the happiness I struggled to give you. You'll be replaced too. I will be taken care of again. I will spread my aroma to somebody else. And I will be somebody's Rachel Green. All the best wishes to Ross and his Julie. All I ask, is that you listen to her and fucking LISTEN to her. Be happy, with or without me. As you would always say, cheers. Or cheetos, whichever. ✌🏽