#some part of my brain just likes playing devils advocate and being contrary to what i want to do ig?

[skitskatdacat63]

okay, i don't know why, but i have ALWAYS been like you described. i have so many movies, TV shows, books, podcasts, songs, etc that i want to experience but do i? nope, just put on another F1 race, please. i don't know if it's fear of the unknown (hello, flood of unexpected emotions!) or not wanting to challenge myself or also wanting to watch F1 and F1 just wins out, but here we are. i suspect it's part of my OCD? or some other ND thing that hasn't been diagnosed in me yet??

in fact prolly the only reason i watch F1 is bc i watch it with my sister. it is a lot easier to do new stuff with someone else...which deludes me into believing that if i just got a partner, we could open the floodgates and watch everything i haven't seen together, but lord knows it don't work that way 😑 in any case, i don't know what's wrong with us, but you're not alone!

I'm glad I'm not the only one!! 💕💕

(Reply ramble under the cut cause I wrote more than I expected)

I think I just struggle to start anything new or to finish anything. I totally agree with what you said about it being the fear of unexpected emotions/the unknown! Like for race seasons for example, I just spent a significant amount of time immersed in 2005 which is a specific set of information(you know: rules, strategy, drivers, etc.), so to start a new season would be a completely different set of info. As I said in my earlier tags, some part of me likes the anticipation more and also I always get way too hyper about things and that energy is overwhelming 😓 And I also feel like I have a fear about how much time I'm going to spend(which is stupid because I'll spend like way too much time aimlessly scrolling for the same amnt of time it'd take to watch a race.) Like the idea of specifically putting aside two hours to do only one thing is stressful to me, which is why I often used to like watching races when I literally couldn't do anything else(waiting for a class.) But now I'm stuck back in the cycle of not wanting to start something new, even if 2009 isnt exactly new because I've watched a lot of racing at this point, but still new enough to me that it's hard to convince my brain to start it. Like once I get into the groove of things, I can float through and enjoy myself, it's just that beginning barrier that's hard to get through.

I also definitely agree with having to watch it with someone else. I either have to binge watch things super quickly or watch them with other people, if not, I'll just end up never starting it or abandoning it. I think it's because it's really nice to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings abt it with another person and not just be stuck with a million thoughts bouncing around your head(which is why I tend to make posts and then rant in the tags LOL)

I think thats why ive been able to get into F1 to such an extent and why it's been so fun for me. It's a live experience(with a strict time constraint, i.e. you can only watch it right here, right now) where there's a bunch of people watching and interacting. I love tumblr during a race weekend so much, I don't think I'd be obsessed with it as much if not for the ability to see everyone's reactions and interact back with them. I think that's why I struggle to start old seasons, because it's literally just me obsessing alone in my room and I can't talk about it to the extent that I can with the current season. Watching F1 as it goes along in a current season is just a perfect experience I guess, because the schedule pushes me along and I don't really have to rely on myself to keep going.

But yeah who knows!! Brain just being brain as always I guess, but it is annoying that it prevents us from doing things we want to do! But I will say, still, its so stupid that I procrastinate over watching 10 minute long YouTube vids LMAO, like pls I get the hesitation with a 2 hour race, 2 hour movie or 100k fic but, 10 minutes, seriously brain???

[teatimeatwinterpalace]

If Alexandra's personality was ill-suited for being the Russian Empress, what personality would have been well-suited?

Was she really? Okay I’m going to play the devil’s advocate.The context and the hazards of life played a key role in shaping Alexandra. You are going to say “like any other” and of course you are right but in Alix’s case to say the odds were against her is an understatement.

I’m not a big fan of what if in history but surely without the illness of Alexei a lot would have been different. Yes Alexandra would still be a very private person and would have sought the same cocooning lifestyle that she actually led. However perhaps her character would have been less neurotic, less worrisome and her health a bit better. I don’t want to go on the psychological path either but to see her son so sick because of “her” it must have been terrible for her emotionally. She became even more withdraw. Yet, I don’t think it’s fair to call her a recluse because she made a hell of a lot of efforts. Such as during the Spala crisis in 1912 where Alexei’s nearly died. I’m sure I already quoted Gilliard in a previous ask but I’m going to quote him again:

“I could see the Tsaritsa in the front row, smiling and talking gaily to her neighbors. When the play was over, I went out by the service door and found myself in the corridor opposite Alexis Nicolaievich’s room from which a moaning sound came distinctly to my ears. Suddenly I noticed the Tsaritsa running up holding her long, awkward train in her two hands. I shrank back against the wall and she passed me without observing my presence. There was a distracted and terror-stricken look on her face. I returned to the dining room. There were all happy. Footmen in livery were handing around refreshments and everyone was laughing and exchanging jokes… A few minutes later the Tsaritsa came back. She had resumed the mask. She smiled pleasantly at the guests who crowded around her. But I noticed that the Tsar, even while engaged in conversation, had taken up a position from which he would watch the door, and I caught the despairing glance which the Tsaritsa threw him as she came in. The scene… suddenly brought home to me the tragedy of a double life.”

She was also present during the visit of Poincarré in Russia in 1914. Maurice Paléologue write how ill at ease she appeared during the never ending official dinner. Yet she was there (and for the rest of the visit) very conscious of her role as consort. I would like to add on that note that public duties were quite different from what we expect today from the royals (they better work hard or it’s the guillotine). All joke aside, the public role was far smaller. If we look into British history Queen Alexandra nor Queen Mary, before WWI, had tremendous public engagements. In that respect they lived the same pattern of the aristocracy.

Now if you look into history what qualities were expected, traditionally, from an Empress?

Noble character  ✔️ She was a good person, very devoted to her family and adopted country. 

Good moral ✔️Alexandra received the traditional and conservative aristocratic upbringing of her time. 

Charming/Sociable   ❌✔️Well this was her biggest problem and probably why so many people think she was ill suited for the job. She was awkward in society especially with people from the Court which jeopardize the equilibrum between the sovereign and the nobility. But here is why I think it wouldn’t have been THAT bad if circumstances had been different. Alexandra is always compared to her mother-in-law. It’s true Maria was a wonderful hostess and liked society very much. But the lavish lifestyle of Maria and the Court was coming to an end. So in that regard, Alexandra’s lack of enthusiasm for balls or other court ceremonies might not have been such a huge problem. She could have found her niche if she had played the card of the modest Empress who helped the poorer. However she didn’t like to promote her good deeds to the public. So her poor public image wascaused by circumstances outside her control AND her unwillingness to step into a role that she would have created. 

Dignified ✔️ She knew the protocol and the decorum that comes with it. Can we talk about how she went full regalia for the opening of the State Duma in 1906. She literally used the largest tiara she owned which screamed AUTOCRACY. (tbh we could talk for hours about this event which is so interesting & sad *one foot in the future and the other in the past*).

Charitable work✔️ Very devoted in that aspect, financed several hospitals… 

Humble ✔️Once she was in Yalta in a shop someone asked her to take her umbrella outside in case it scratchs the floor. She did as she was told without as much as batting an eyelid. She was far from being arrogant however there is this paradoxical and annoying aspect of Alexandra’s personnality: she was humble yet very conscious of her position aannd she bought the whole great Russian myth of the distant Tsar who knew better than anyone.

Wife and mother ✔️ Devoted to her family to the core.  

Religious✔️ Deeply religious woman. Perhaps too much with every years that passed but who can blame her when you know how ill Alexei was. 

No political inclination ❌ Well you can’t really ask from someone not to have opinions. In Alexandra’s case it miiiiiight had got out of hand at the end of the reign. She wasout of touch with national life. She clunge to the unrealistic vision of Russia. It is very apparent in this letter that she wrote to Nicholas in 1916 : “ Be Peter the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Emperor Paul - crush them all under you. […] I really cannot understand. I am but a woman, but my soul and brain tell me it would be the saving of Russia. […] Remember even M. Philippe said one dare not give constitution, as it would be your Russia’s ruin, and all true Russians say the same.” It is chilling how much out of touched she was. 

Don’t get me wrong I’m not giving her excuses. Certain aspects of her personality were quite conservative and traditional. What her aunt Victoria, German empress, wrote about her is pretty spot on: “Alix is very imperious and will always insist on having her own way ; she will never yield one iota of the power she will imagine she wields ; I use the word ’ imagine ’ advisedly, because my niece is given to very exaggerated ideas as to her own cleverness and importance.” What I would like to add is the context that I mentioned earlier. Contrary to Maria who had more than a decade before becoming Empress, Alexandra was only 22 when she married AND became Empress. All eyes were on her, expecting from her to hold her role and lead society. 

++ Maria might have had most of high society in her pocket but it didn’t mean she was wiser than Alexandra. For instance she was against Nicholas’ solding crown land to the government, which the later would sold to peasants. 

I think with this question of who would have been better, we are looking for some kind of savior. My 21th century self who knows what happened would tell you that Nicholas needed someone more lucid, grounded and perceptive. Someone who could have encouraged him to let go of the nonsense that was autocracy. Not someone who would have encouraged him like Alix did. But is it really realistic to expect this clairvoyance from a young woman who surely would have been brought up with the values of her time ? Not sure. Of course there is always a counterexample, for instance Alix’s aunt, Victoria. She is an anomaly in the landscape of princesses of the 19th century. She was lucky (or unlucky we could talk about it) to have received from her father a liberal education AND she married someone, Friedrich *aka thebestmanwhoeverlived* who shared most of her views. And even with the best will in the world they struggle so much and faced a wall of rejection. Of course Prussia was not Russia. It was just to underline that everyone can rise above its own education Fritz is the perfect exemple of that. But it is so rare and the political context of Russia was such a mess that it is not as if the whole Russian Revolution wouldn’t have happened if Nicholas had married a wisest woman. There is no question ask that Alexandra played a part in the whole debacle of the fall of the Empire but it is a small part.  

The crux of the issue wasn’t Alexandra’s personnality. The real issue was the outdated, unfair and backward system of autocracy. Nicholas and Alexandra inherited a time bomb. Yet I don’t believe in fatality and Nicholas had numerous occasion to change things but he didn’t. On top of that you add their personnal tragedies such as Alexei’s illness and you get the tragic events that unfolded.

[secretgamergirl]

Let’s Talk About The Crying Game

This morning I woke up to an ongoing conversation in my Twitter mentions where a couple people were debating whether The Crying Game has merits that outweigh the lasting harm it’s inflicted on trans women in general. I jumped in to explain the exact form that harm took, educating and rightly horrifying the person who had previously been playing devil’s advocate for the film. I love clearing up disconnects like that and leaving people more aware of serious issues, and I figure this one is plenty common, so let’s get into it here too.

As a quick aside before getting into my main point, let’s all consider our understanding of albinism thanks to pop culture. Generally speaking, I think we’re all aware of the bizarre problem of Hollywood consistently making everyone with albinism in film some kind of over the top villain with supernatural powers. And we generally congratulate ourselves for our ability to separate fact and fiction, knowing that here in the real world, they’re just regular ordinary people with white hair and skin, and red eyes who you don’t have to worry about killing you with their minds. Except the red eyes thing isn’t actually true either. Not all forms of albinism effect the eyes at all, but even in the ones that do, people have the normal range of eye colors, it’s just that photos of them are more likely to get the “red eye” effect from camera flashes, and we all got so used to that it became our idea of “normal” and fictional depictions started depicting it consistently.

We all pick up a lot of “common knowledge” from pop culture sources that’s complete BS without realizing it, no matter how much we’re convinced that we can tell the difference. Carrots are bad for rabbits, but we all think of them as The Thing they eat, because we collectively lost the context for a movie reference in an old cartoon. And our brains are absolutely terrible at drawing a line between the facts we actually researched and the “facts” we just picked up from pop culture or local idiots.

All that in mind, The Crying Game, more so than any other source I can think of, is the movie that popularized the myth that “trans women are out there, dating guys, and not disclosing that they have a penis until they’re about to have sex.” That’s what the movie’s known for, and that’s what’s known about the movie. I’ve never even seen it, personally, but I still somehow managed to pick up on the meaning of the phrase “a Crying Game type situation” and it’s still a phrase people are using 24 years later. That’s a pretty big impact. Also, you’ll note I say it popularized a myth, because this isn’t actually a thing that really happens.

Think about it just anecdotally for a moment. I’m willing to bet that you, personally, have never been undressing with a woman in preparation for sex, and suddenly hit with the realization that she has a penis. Further, I’m willing to bet that you don’t even know anyone who has. At best, you might be familiar with a real world version of this story having been told by someone standing trial for murdering a trans woman, because that’s actually a valid legal defense.

A funny thing though about the cases you can actually point to is that invariably, they involve taking the murderer at his word, because the victim is dead, and can’t testify to the contrary. You would think, if this were something that actually happened, most examples wouldn’t end in murder. The man, enraged at having been tricked, would stop at a mere beating, or a long period of enraged screaming, or would try to murder the woman but fail. Those stories though, you never hear. Nor do you hear the stories you’d have to figure should be out there where a woman goes to bed with a man, and only finds out he’s trans when he suddenly reveals his lack of a penis in the bedroom.

Meanwhile, here’s some things which very much do happen. A man murders a trans woman and claims he was “tricked,” then witnesses show up to testify that they had dated for quite some time, and he was absolutely aware from day one that she was trans. Or it comes out that he had specifically sought her out on a dating site specifically set up for men to find trans women, or made a specific request from an escort service.

And if you talk to trans women who date men, you’ll find it’s quite common for them to have stories about brushes with death at the hands of men who were very much aware they were trans the moment they first met, if not earlier. Plenty more have stories of being assaulted and groped, with a particular focus around the crotch.  A good number of trans women who don’t date men have stories of this nature as well.

Trans women are very much on the supply side when it comes to us dating men. Just do a quick search, anywhere really, for the T-slur, “T-girls,” “dick girls,” “futanari,” “futa,” or “TG” and look what comes up. Google, tumblr, any sort of art site and look at how much trans woman porn comes up. Odds are you can find even more with “forced fem” “trap” or “sissy,” if you want the really specialized stuff. We are as rare as redheads, and just as disproportionately represented in men’s fantasies. Any trans women who are interested in dating men have an overabundance of suitors constantly asking them out specifically for that reason, and the idea of someone needing to trick a man into thinking she was cis is absurd just on that level, not even getting into the obvious problem that the ruse must break when the clothes come off, and your date would then be allowed to murder you.

Meanwhile, the guys consuming all that porn mentioned earlier, fairly frequently, get bold enough to check out a real life trans woman. So they’ll look for a dating service, trans friendly bar, whatever, and look to hook up with one of us. Then, sometimes, partway through a date or whatever, their fragile masculinity will send them into a panic that they’re doing something gay, they won’t want to be outed, and they get violent, sometimes murderously so, and decide their cover story for the whole thing will be to claim they ended up in “a Crying Game type situation.” It makes sense to them, because hey, we’ve all seen the movie, that’s a thing that happens. And anyone they’re forced to give that explanation to will recognize it as a common occurrence, because they, too, have seen that movie, and know it to be a common thing.

So, women like me, even those of us who wouldn’t be caught dead in bed with a man, get demonized as part of these fragile dudes’ cover stories, plus we have to deal with the reality that any given sleazeball can grab one of us off the street, murder us, maybe raping us first, and probably get away with it, just by lying and saying it was “a Crying Game type situation.” And that’s a valid legal defense.

So fuck that movie. It’s exploitative trash, and more importantly, it has a body count.