#somebody pray for the good sis in church today

[cinamun]

S.A.L | Next

[selfishwritings]

💃

4 years.

It wasn't always smooth-sailing. I had a lot of 'highs' and 'lows' in my journey. But I believe that the Lord allowed everything to happen because there's always something to learn. And really, it was in this ministry that I've learned a LOT. I became closer to my Father, I found people who are genuine, people who courageously fights their battle, passionate people who serves God wholeheartedly, not perfect, yet strives to be. And surprisingly, I even discovered and found myself — I got to know who I really am. After losing my 'worldly identity' and refusing the lies that the Enemy has told me, I started accepting my God-given identity and embraced His precious grace. In my stay in this ministry, I learned how to worship and understood what it really is. I learned to stand, to fight, to dream, to GO even if there are so many reasons not to. In some battles, I won. Because the Lord has given me strength and victory. In some battles, I lost — because I allowed God to win. I chose to lose myself and glorify Him.

Yes, there were so many times that I felt weary, gloomy, times when I feel like everything is pointless. "Parang wala namang nangyayari.", I thought to myself. Kasi I was running in circles. I built self-doubt and refused to believe in myself.

Ever since elementary to junior high school, sin has held me captive. I abused the benefits of technology. Sobrang daming makikita at mababasa sa internet, sa TV. It's corrupted. The Enemy is working well through it. At a young age, I didn't know I was satisfying my sinful desire (lust) by reading stories or fanfictions with sexual content and indulge myself to it. But I never/can't watch the 'real' porn tho, like what the young boys usually see. Pero there's no big or small sin. Kasalanan pa din 'yon. I know I had friends who does the same, pero instead na ako yung mag enlighten sakanila, ako pa yung nahatak. And because of this I also came to a point na may question ako sa sexuality ko, muntik ko nang tanggapin na bisexual ako kasi I wasn't that girly but not that boyish as well. E grabe yung influence at opinyon ng mundo. Buti hinawakan ako ni Lord and He gave me wisdom. It really broke my heart nung after JHS, may mga close friends akong nag-out and I never got the chance to share God's love sakanila. No, I had so many chances pala, but I haven't had the courage to take it. Sayang, but until now, I still pray for them.

It was years already when the Lord gave me victory over this sin. I admit it, I wasn't that faithful during my first year and months in the ministry. And the Enemy would continue to put me to shame. The sin doesn't haunt me anymore. But the past does.

It was also during those times na I'm confused with my identity. I don't know who I was. When I was young, tahimik ako sa ibang tao and I was the lively, jolly, lovely bunso in the family. But things turned around when I grew up — nung napapadalas nang nag-aaway sa bahay. I found 'happiness' sa mga tao sa labas and hindi okay yung atittude ko. I learned how to be dishonest, to cheat, to gossip, to use foul words, magmura. Hindi ako nainvolve sa mga kaklase ko na talagang mas malala, pero like what they've said, walang malaki or maliit na kasalanan. Sa labas ako maingay, making people laugh, pretending that everything's going well. Pero sa bahay, wala. Hindi ako nagkukwento. I never heard "Kamusta?" din naman from my parents' lips. But when my sisters do ask how am I, hindi pa din ako nagkukwento. Hindi talaga ko open na tao ("Reach"). Hindi ako open sa pamilya ko. *There are times na nagtatanamin ako ng galit sa kanila.

Sobrang mediocre ko. Even when I was a kid. Sa school, nale-label ako ng teacher ko tsaka some classmates na mahiyain, average, etc. and the Enemy will continue to tell me the biggest lie — "I'm not enough." I slowly, strongly built self-doubt. Nadagdagan pa as I grew up. When mismong pamilya ko, source ng discouragements. I tried, I'M TRYING, not to be pasaway, tamad, hard-headed, pero when they continue to describe me with those words, a part of me is saying, "Edi sige, ganyan ako." Lagi kong sinisisi sarili ko. Pag mag nakaka-away akong family member, I silently cry to my room or anywhere na walang makakakita or dinig because of anger. Hindi ako galit sakanila, galit ako sa sarili ko kasi I can't please them. I don't just feel disappointed, what I feel is ako mismo yung disappointment. This isn't a constant situation. May times na okay kami. May times na SOBRANG okay kami pero natatakot akong maenjoy yung moment kasi dadating na naman yung time na hindi kami okay. Nakakalungkot. Nakakapagod.

From time to time, pabalik-balik ako sa pride and hatred. I came to a point na ayoko nalang magministry kasi I dont feel worthy. I feel like I don't deserve His love. I feel worthless. Ang tagal mag move-on ng Kaaway, kasi kahit yung na-overcome ko na with the Lord, binabalik pa niya sa'kin.

"No change, no growth." Senior high school came and sobrang daming changes, there also comes growth and maturity. Ang dami kong natututunan at narerealize. Ngayon, sobrang daming temptations. As in. Still, andun pa din yung feeling of worthlessness. Grade 12 when a guy suddenly became close to me. Hindi ko maalala exactly kung paano. We shared stories to each other a lot. I got to know not just his outward personality pero pati yung genuine side niya. He became a friend to me — a really close one. I feel cared for. Things got awkward nung hindi na kami nagpapansinan. Little did I know na hindi nalang palang friend yung tingin niya sakin. Before he confessed, I first discovered it when another friend told me na may gusto daw si guy sakin. I took things lightly, hindi ako naniwala. Wala akong pake and first thing came to my mind, "Ako nga, hindi ko gusto yung sarili ko e." Recently, some of my 'konsintedor' friends will make ways para maging "mas close" kami but I would refuse. Somebody also asked me to rate if may pag-asa ba siya from 1-10 and I answered "negative 10" not because hindi ko siya gusto, but because ayoko pang isipin 'yung mga ganong bagay. Things changed between the two of us and it was somewhat hard for me. It was also during Grade 12, na natempt ako ilang beses to try alcoholic drinks. May times na naiisip kong mag try, "Isang beses lang." Naalala ko pa once, nung hindi okay sa bahay, gustong-gusto kong puntahan yung "friends" kong nagyayaya. I pray. A lot, to overcome those temptations. Ayokong mainvolve sa mga ganyang bagay. Kahit dito man lang, gusto kong tumayo. I want to BE right.

Ff. to March 3, 2018. DM's grand fellowship. One of the main reasons why I finally decided to write this — my journey for four years and background. Sa bonfire, the very first thing na sinulat ko sa white paper is *hatred sa parents. Ito talaga yung main struggle ko — family. Siguro hindi nila alam na nabuburden ako. Ang disrespectful ko, minsan 'di ko nalang sila kinakausap. I know something's wrong with my family's relationship. I'm blaming my parents for building a wrong foundation (another story to tell) kasi madalas silang di united and that maybe we're meant to be not okay. I know there's something wrong pero wala akong magawa. Wala akong ginagawa kasi ako yung pinakabata. We're physically complete but I know something's broken, individually. Every time I dance, I pray. And I include my family in my prayers. Pero minsan may days na may hatred sa heart ko. Kaya minsan napapagod nalang din akong lumaban kasi mas nananalo yung hatred ko towards them, even to myself. I'm losing hope. Another wrong thing is there are times na ginagawa ko nalang escape yung rehearsals and activities sa church wag lang magstay sa bahay. Even my acads are messed up, hindi ko mahandle ng maayos and nawawalan ako ng will mag-aral. It's my fault that I'm allowing it to be affected.

That same night, I hugged my sister and honestly said, "Pagod na kong madisrespect sila mommy and daddy tapos hihingi ako ng sorry kay Lord, tapos uulit nanaman."

I've let it all go. Ako lang yung lugi if magtatanim ako ng sama ng loob. Hindi ko alam kung paano kikilos si Lord, kung paano Niya 'ko babaguhin. But I'm surrendering everything to Him, willing to take His process. I want to do the right thing and one day He'll welcome me saying, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

I don't understand everything yet. Pero maybe it's the Lord's will na hindi ko maintindihan lahat. Despite all uncertainties, I choose to trust Him and do the right thing. When things aren't going right, I always tend to blame myself. Ang hirap kasing maging Kristyano. Ang daming nakatingin.

If 01-28-14 didn't happen, I don't know where I am today. Baka nilamon na 'ko ng mundo. Worse could happen. I thank God He revealed Himself to me and saved me right in time. If not for His grace and unconditional love, I wouldn't be where I am today. Ang dami beses kong tinry lumayo and do things my own way, pero Siya pa yung lumalapit. He's the One chasing His children. And before I realized it, I was already drowning in His grace. I'll stay. I'll remain as long as He wants me to.

Lord, make me who you want me to be. 🙏

[ckhalifa-blog1]

California Island:pensideout.org

    I’M ILL NOT SICC          

Born,

Eleven sixteen Eighty-Eight,

On this day I cried to wake,

Didn’t know what I was,

Or where I was,

Held in rubber gloves,

Passed through the fuzz,

Now I was passed to my mum,

But this is not where I begun,

 Forty one years ago my mum begun,

To a catholic mum who was far from a nun,

And a pop who would help to defeat Hitler,

 My father was from a family much richer,

A family in the pictures,

Cairo’s Hollywood,

Fatma, and Niema Atkif,

Gili Gili doing backflips,

A family of actors,

  A pure bred American,

And a hungry Egyptian,

Got together to cook,

I’m what popped out of the kitchen,

Wait something is missing?

An older sister from the same kitchen,

She prayed, asked, wished for me,

Now birthed she gets to name me,

First name Shawn last name K-leaf,

Middle name Malone for a grandpa never known,

Although Pop’s was a rolling stone,

I was part of a happy home,

 My mom would have to be a pop,

For me and my Sis,

This was going to be hard,

When every window in the hood was barred,

Trapped in a jungle,

Crime is Los Angeles Fungal,

93 hit harder than a San Andreas rumble,

A white woman alone with two kids,

In a city with no positives,

My mom packed up our apartment,

Stuffed our lives inside of a small van,

Drove 80-miles east to a very raw land,

Perris California our escape plan,

 Who Knew?

Who Knew?

Who Knew?

I didn’t,

She didn’t,

 Things gotta get better,

Beside the strange weather,

Perris sun as hot as a desert,

Our new home was a treasure,

Three bedrooms were fly,

Living, den and room to dine,

Streets were clean we could play outside,

This was life,

That was life,

Definition of how to live in California right,

Despite hype or our past plight,

Our new life was taking flight,

A curly haired bad boy who loved to fight,

But only because every time I went outside,

I had to fight,

 Mom still worked in L.A.,

So she was gone all day,

Some days I went out to play,

Some days everything was okay,

Some days the sky turned gray,

Older kids punched me in the face,

 The neighbor was a grown up,

He worked in construction,

He should have protected me,

Instead he was destructive,

Bicycled past his home with a wave,

His anger rose like a wave,

Like Marsha I took a football to my face,

I fell, and I cried,

Told mom but the neighbor said I lied,

That was the day my safety died,

I was unprotected,

Like Charlie Sheen’s penis,

5-year’s old,

I could tell you what a mean street is,

 Who could see this?

I couldn’t see this,

Good Lord I needed Jesus,

Truth told he never left me alone,

When I almost died,

You saw me pull through,

Whenever I cried,

I got strength from you,

 One day the sky was blue,

And yes I remember you,

Daniel, Alex, and Desiree,

You kidnapped me,

Locked me inside an abandoned houses garage,

Tears flowed a barrage,

You laughed,

I see you through the window,

Did you know I was scared of the dark?

I believed in monsters I believed in ghost,

I was scared the most,

Why did you do it?

You ruined me you ruined me,

 Low budget kids in poverty,

Using abandoned homes as a playground,

I bet you heard the sound,

From the very first pound,

Punched my way through a window,

It wasn’t that simple,

Ripped my arm open,

Got the scar to prove it,

Still needed help,

None of you would do it,

All stood still,

I thought you killed me,

Thinking I was a goner,

I walked home slowly,

First worst day of my life,

And I was only five,

Again I nearly died,

Yet God never left my side,

Instead I got a gift inside,

I knew I would go through a lot,

And get through it all,

And grow to be tall,

Bigger than all of my flaws…..

 If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island,

If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island…

 I was raised on a street with hopes and dreams,

Two story track house a few dope fiends,

It was the 90’s and the trendiness thing,

Was moving out of L.A.,

Life couldn’t be better than it seemed,

The worst side of my city was on the other side of a freeway,

I lived up-town people were getting paid,

On my block we never heard of a raid,

That was down town over the bridge bullshit,

Where Crips and ese’s were trying to get hood rich,

Then 96 came and little Pimp Mob started,

I wish my mama told me to stay out of those apartments,

I swear hanging in the Pink’s was where all my drama started,

There was NPM’s then PNHC’s,

Up-town’s Crip mentality,

I learned to like Blue and never speak with the B’s,

But in my heart I knew gang banging wasn’t for me,

So I just stuck to smoking weed and running from the police,

I will never forget the time they beat me,

That was payback for the time’s I ran and beat them,

If I can change the world I must start where it begins,

 If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island,

If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island, …

 There was a big bang,

My new clothes was heavy chains,

I lost everything,

No weed I felt every pain,

It was heavy main,

I thought I had life figured out,

I knew noth-a-thing,

No way of getting out,

I was there to stay,

Locked in my cell a couple of days,

Then I start to pray,

Church man came,

Said, “Give your life to Christ get rid of your pain”,

How do I choose right after living this way?

He said accept your Lord and Savior and be saved,

I did and watched yesterday get washed away,

 If I can change the world,

I will do it,

On California Island,

If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island …

 First it was Perris California,

Grams of marijuana,

Now it’s a message to the youth saying you don’t really wanna,

Lose your life and be a goner,

Prison crops are growing taller,

To feed the street thugs and ballers,

All they do is hear you holla,

That you make the mighty dolla,

That pay the CO.’s and Police to beat you when they wanna,

You deceitful you dishonor,

Please just be cool and don’t bother,

I am prequel to this squalor,

It won’t be too cool to follow,

And be a sequel to my failure,

I can change the world,

If you live your life better,                            

You hear that?

I just changed the world,

Because you living life better,

 California Island,

Here I come,

Right back where I started from,

 If the radio played me,

They wouldn’t call me crazy,

But if I put this hook in a book,

They’d be quick to medicate me,

Lock me up cage me,

Two chains is my jewelry,

Not talking bout a neckless,

I’m talking bout what I have to wear,

Just to eat my breakfast,

I swear I’m not even here,

I live somewhere in my synapses,

I’ll do this sentence backwards,

Now I’m only 15,

Locked in a cell with a lil kid sink,

Now it’s 2017 and all I did was blink,

That’s wisdom from an old lady,

My mama never did crack they called me a soul baby,

So So So baby,

I already told my mama there’s no justice there’s just us,

Ten minutes later they found me bleeding in hand cuffs,

Slammed me into a wall and I didn’t even cuss,

Now I’m locked in a hole with No Good and Bad Luck,

Told them my names Shawn Khalifa and I don’t give a fuck,

 California Island,

Here I come,

Right back where I started from,

 I’m not goin worry about nothing,

That’s wisdom from PSYCO,

Today I will be happy,

Joy has a hold of me,

Ain’t never letting go of me,

Ain’t it good to be happily,

A positive vibed mentality,

One day when I get released,

To the dirty concrete,

Tears of joy I will weep,

As I kiss the street,

Back to my feet lots of friends to meet,

Washed clean of my sins things will never be the same,

Men change I’ve changed,

Things will never be the same I changed,

Seven wise men say they live to be good men,

One dull man say’s I am who I am,

Now you tell me who’s the wise man,

You see you have your real’s and your lie’s,

Your dull and the wise,

But the wise are so wise they tell lies,

They’re just bad guys in disguise,

The dull tells you what it is,

So in the dull wisdom lives,

So when I’m judged dull it’s a compliment,

  California Island,

Here I come,

Right back where I started from,

 Inside a system where I have been ruled to nothing,

I don’t get back by saying Motha fuck um,

I been died so they can’t kill what’s already dead,

Been fed can’t starve me again,

In death I feel so live I’m not in the pen,

I am basically a hologram waiting to end,

Then I’ll be an angel to take care of my friends,

When days grow long no end in sight,

Reach deep down bring out the light,

Me and you may yet share a struggle,

But oh yes you and I will bare our trouble,

We have walked this road before where others have tread,

In the lowest place raised our heads,

Brothers and sisters there is this place,

On an Island of lore what is this place,

But an Island of horror please say grace thank the Lord,

They got all they can get can’t take no more,

24 behind a closed door,

Not close to what’s in store,

I’m a thousand feet away some sinners are close to hell,

I don’t hate anybody they do enough of that themselves,

And Psalms 109 takes care of that by itself,

Please do me one favor when you put this book on a shelf,

Thank God that you are you and not somebody else…

 On California Island…

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