#somehow i find arrogance atteactive rn

[no-vamos]

Heyo welcome back to novas endless pining. We’re about 5 weeks into school and a new crush has emerged(!!!!) unfortunately said crush is in the year beneath me despite being older than one of my friends in my grade. How M is in my grade despite being born in late September is so funny to me. Current crush CB is four months younger than me.

I think what’s weird about this crush is that it’s mostly induced by myself but most of it is just genuine curiosity about him. I feel like I know very little about him and I find it hard to read him. He’s super analytical and very careful about what he says, not necessarily in a kind way but more in a… self preservation way? I can’t tell if that’s a turnoff or not bc so far one of the things that’s really attractive about him to me is his arrogance. Ikik that sounds so strange but it’s honestly kinda attractive. I like a man who knows his worth.

So, he’s in my youth group, which is how I mainly interact with him. I’m currently really desperate to get to know him bc I wanna know what makes him tic. All last year he would just sit in the corner of the myf room and observe, but he would mainly stare at me. Or, I think he would. It’s hard to monitor where someone is looking when they mostly look at you, if that makes sense.

Anyways we had church retreat this past weekend and oh boy did I take the opportunity to try to corner this boy. Unfortunately he didn’t come until Saturday afternoon/night bc he had a cross country meet which made me super antsy. Anywyas when he did get there, he mostly hung out with S and I like normal, but somehow and I don’t actually remember how, I managed to get S and CB to come with me to go get my stuff from where I had been staying the night before. I mostly pestered S on the way there bc technically I’m closer with S than CB but on the way back I made CB hold my pillow and he didn’t complain??? He could’ve said no. In fact they didn’t have to come with me at all. Prior I had said like “bye” as they walked away bc I was waiting for another friend to get her stuff and S and CB just came back and I offered if they’d like to come with me to get my stuff and CB was like “sure” which is basically yes in his terms.

THEN I kinda hung out with their trio and eventually played this game with CB and some other MYF kids and I kinda purposely plonked myself next to him bc duh I wanna be closer to him but I had the excuse of my brother being right next to him so it was fine. Then omg this was fun I kinda pestered him the whole game about not trusting me and seeing him like smirk and try not to smile at me was just akajfbsjoaid. At some point I was pestering him about… something I don’t exactly remember and he was like “well I’m trying to formulate my thoughts so people don’t make decision based on them” or something like that and idk that was kinda hot bc I was pestering him about how the later it got the more he talked (but I was trying to make it out to be that he was talkative bc he was lying about not being it bc I knew who was it bc *i* was it lol)

Then in the morning we made “awkward” eye contact bc I had been up at ass o’clock in the morning and he had been woken up by my cousin kicking him in the head. Either way it was funny I made fun of him later about it. And then prior to lunch, our group was working on a puzzle and I was making small talk and also pestering him again and our youth pastor came up and this like sent butterflies into my stomach bc CB and I are going back and forth and our youth pastor goes “ha! Look at the way he’s trying not to smile” or something along the lines of “ha you’re trying so hard not to smile” and like ????? He was talking to me so he was trying not to show that he liked talking to me???? Was that it??? Idk but the butterflies man

Then when we were actually standing in line for lunch we’re talking about school and stuff and I’m explaining why I don’t like classes with this particular teacher that he really likes and stuff and he goes “well most people who don’t like his classes don’t like doing the work” and I’m like “ouch that makes me sound like a bad person” and he goes “well youre an exception” and of course I want to believe that he said that bc he genuinely thinks I’m smart and not bc i showed disappointment at being perceived like that by him.

also fun times, he sit across from me in choir, like directly across, bc for some reason the basses and sopranos face each other, and i was half poking fun at him always staring at me, and he got all like half defensive about how "theres no where else to look" which i mentally called bullshit bc im not always staring at him, but i like making funny faces at him across the room.

honestly i can talk so much about him but idk if id want to date him. another reason i like him so much is bc hed be both religious and financial security for me. were both mennonite and hes planning on becoming an architect, which all in all is a pretty well paying career. so thats attractive as well. physically, not to intentionally size shame, hes a bit more of the skinner side, but hes also 17 and a runner. im not necessarily skinny and ive learnt having so's that make being skinny a big thing about themselves makes me super insecure. hes definitely still growing into himself, but i do think hes more attractive than last year imo. part of me would like to go to banquet with him but i think id still want to go alone. idk where hes planning on going for college but im aiming for out of state so that puts me at distance.

anyways just wanted to debrief some crush thoughts