#something something something make it gay and make it about being unkillable and beautiful instead of like

[inkskinned]

i had a dream that the clouds looked like you, pink in the sunset. you were the ghost of a lighthouse and when we fell in love all your shackles fell off in great grey chunks. we became fish-squid-humans, unkillable and round as the sun. our children were whales, and we grew past the size of cruise ships. i cursed poachers with my own blood; only to relent, knowing the pain of drowning just close-enough, warning them: do better. be well. don't make a mistake you can't come back from.

how quietly you've slipped inside me, little seal shifting me under the water. this little dance we are both stepping, our hands just-quite not-touching. like mermaids, sometimes i think our form is the shape of the ocean. sometimes i think we are too horribly human, too terrified of the rip and torrent.

i have thought about my hand in your hair enough, and the curve of your cheekbone, and how you wait for a moment to gather your thoughts before telling a joke. i have thought about the tension that grows in cables between us, a little spined bridge neither of us will cross unless the situation dramatically shifts. i have thought about the way you tilt your head when considering something i blurted, how you show just-half of your smile when you know more than i did.

what even are you two? she asks me, stirring her coffee, her brows knitting. i shrug noncommittally.

somewhere, we are mermaids, eternally. in this world, for now - i tell her: i think we're just... enjoying.

[tehcoop]

I am an old. I'm an old, old fandom lurker wandering from one fandom to the other for the past (oh God) two decades. I've read in everything from Gundam Wing in my (not that) delinquent high school years to Due South to Stargate Atlantis, Harry Potter, Star Wars, yadda yadda yadda, on and on up to The Witcher, most recently. 

And then The Old Guard.

Guys... Guys.

This movie smacked me in the face and shook me to my core. It was everything I've never known I wanted in an action movie because it just never occurred to me that it might exist. Two female leads! One of them is black! Eighty. Five. Percent female representation behind the scenes. 85%! Amazing character beats. Everyone has their own arc and motivations. No stereotyping. It's just beautiful.

And then there's Joe and Nicky. 

I have never related so hard to characters or to a relationship in my life. I love my badass immortal husbands so much. It's ridiculous. I could gush for hours. I'm nothing like them, of course. I identify as a mostly straight, mostly cis, so white I reflect sunlight (though I hope I'm at least an ally to BIPOC) woman. There's nothing particularly badass about me. But I still relate like hell to these characters. 

I love to laugh like Joe, and completely understand his protective instincts. And then there's Nicky. I relate to him more than any character I can think of currently. I'm introverted and can be kind of intense, but I'm also patient, kind, and nurturing. And if anyone does anything to hurt my family, especially my kids, I can rip you apart with just my words. (Seriously, I think my mother in law is afraid of me now after she got a talking to when I called her out for being shitty to my spouse. Our relationship is Much Better now). 

Most importantly, I am deeply in love with my wonderful spouse who happens to be a trans woman. 

And guys, I'm angry.

Remember, I'm an old. I've been searching for scraps hinting at any kind of queer love story in all kinds of media for decades. And I'm angry because I shouldn't have had to. 

I shouldn't have to read into a maybe not on purpose significant glance. I shouldn't have gotten excited when two characters grabbed each other in anger because clearly they're so in love. I shouldn't have been delighted when an actor bit his lip to hint at a love story in film, or that a writer said that a character was gay years after the books were written. I made myself believe that those little bits of subtext were enough and somehow better than getting it outright because then we can tell our own stories, right guys? I preferred reading fan fiction because I could think of the hot guys I wanted to pair up in the way I wanted. I even stopped watching a lot of gay movies because they were always so sad and full of strife, and I just couldn't relate to them. I just wanted my fluffy romantic comedies. Fan fiction was literally the only place that I could see any kind of healthy queer relationship.

Which is how I got to be almost forty and still identifying as mostly straight even though I'm in a queer as hell relationship. In each of these canon stories, the character's sexuality was part of the conflict, and I was never particularly conflicted about mine. I just liked who I liked and craved a healthy, stable relationship. Or when I did see characters like Klaus in Umbrella Academy (who I love) who is comfortable with their sexuality, he's also so fantastically ridiculous that I can only laugh or cringe at him. I enjoyed many of these stories, but still related more to the Jane Austen heroines I saw in straight stories even while I preferred to chill by reading about say... John and Rodney accidentally making a baby or something.

And then Joe and Nicky come along. And they're beautiful. They're a goddamn interracial, interfaith, committed, happy, unkillable gay couple. In canon. They are the most married. They're 900 plus years of married. Their sexuality and relationship are incredibly important to who they are and to the story without being the conflict of the story. Or without being a walking stereotype of one thing or other. Instead, you have two men casually stating their love for each other, blatantly declaring it, cuddling, and kissing all while they each have their own stories, skills, and motivations. 

I have literally never seen that before. Except at home, in my own house, where my spouse and I get to be our own people, but then support each other, tease each other, and cuddle at the end of the day. It was beautiful to see something that reflected the kind of love I always wanted and now get to have. In canon, on screen. Seeing Joe and Nicky's love makes me so deliriously happy that I'm incredibly angry I've never seen anything like that on screen before. Just imagine what it would have been like seeing that kiss in a crowded theater.

So why am I writing this? Because this movie is important. It's so goddamn important. I'm so happy it exists. And I want you all to know the actual weight of all the years of going without characters like this. What it means to say that I'm furious that I've never seen this before after decades of searching. How ridiculous it is that I still identify as mostly straight possibly because I've never really seen nuanced, flawed, real queer characters before. Instead, I've imagined and created evidence of gay relationships from nothing while ignoring the awful canon hetero relationships my favorite shows have forced on us. All while still unironically sighing over Mr Darcy and Clueless. I'm tired, y'all.

I want to see all the stories with all the people in various configurations. Romances, action, sci fi, fantasy, everything. The Old Guard did it. And they did it well. I'm done with the queer baiting. I don't think I can look at many of the fandoms I have loved throughout the years the same way again. I'm incredibly grateful to Gina Prince-Bythewood, Greg Rucka, Marwan Kanzari, Luca Marinelli, and the rest of the cast and crew for bringing me these already beloved characters. It's so refreshing to finally get what I've really wanted all these years. Representation absolutely fucking matters. 

And now? I'm gonna go back to being a lurker. I'll read all the Old Guard fanfiction I can. I'll watch all the movies, read all the comics because I want more stories like this, dammit. I'll probably go back to giggling over and overanalyzing little character moments in all kinds of fandoms again. Mostly, I'll just go back to quietly taking care of my little family. And I might post something again in another couple of decades when my kids are off to college. And God, do I hope it doesn't take another couple decades to get more characters like this. I hope that my kids get all kinds of stories I never did growing up so that they can figure out who they are and who they relate to before they're almost forty frigging years old. It's about goddamn time.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.