#sometimes even just regular words too I just can't speak English I guess

[chaoscradle]

the best part about writing is wondering whether you sound like a four-year-old that's making a book for class titled "the dog barks"

[superconductivebean]

#1235: about confessions

I'm 26. I might seem young and inexperienced fandom-wise. Except I grew up on FailedFandomAnon-esque anon forums, remember LJ fandoms, Diary.ru and LI, Fandom Kombat, and I check in with the FFA-alikes on the regular basis to this day.

I'm also a native Russian speaker, and my fandom experience mainly includes Russian-speaking fandoms, as exemplified above. All these aren't English-speaking hellscapes. But with English-speaking ones, there are certainly overlaps and all, but what different is…

It feels like English-speaking fandoms, en masse, have never tried true anonymity, even in the noughties? With exceptions for dumpster fires such as 4chаn or kiwifаrms. Hence why, perhaps, people around here aren't keen on trying to converse anonymously: If you associate anonymity with hatespeach, I can't judge you. I hate when it's used by coward arseholes unable to stand ass up as proudly and eagerly as they do from under anon. I'm on par with Russian-speaking fandoms in our collective disdain for these hateful rats.

Which implies, that yes, our anon spaces have moderation, but it's not persona-based. We don't have names on there. It's linguistics-based. Too rude? Poshol nahui, banned. Too shit-mouthed? It isn't 2ch, get out. Policing everyone in the thread? Do that in your own, personal diary, please. Trying to recruit an anon army to raid someone's comments? Poshol nahui, we're not your faithful summons, pray we don't guess who you are, asshat. And so on.

There, we are discussing fandom matters and its history sometimes, we needn't personalities to do that; we can be bashful and rude of course, but we are met with the same attitudes and are often asked to tone the fuck down if we'd like to continue (otherwise people will leave; anonymity doesn't and shouldn't mean Be Rude Be Phobic Be A Menace Just To Tell Those Libs11!!1, it's meant for speaking without prejudice and bias associated with our names, whatever these biases might be down to a single anon (I've seen it all peapals; some people won't talk to you if you like a certain character but will if you wear an anon mask; yes I'm aware of the comedy, it's everyone and mine favourite genre, and gets us every time)).*

On the confession blogs, usually if not always, you'd get exploded arses and wrecked friendships rather than addressing any issues or talking them through and getting corrected in your assumptions (or caught on telling lies and wishful thinking). Like, a confession isn't even about a conversation or problem solving of any kind.

It's all about venting. Venting doesn't get you anywhere other than… letting it off your chest, really. Any psychologist will tell you that. And will follow up with a suggestion to start working on your problems instead of endlessly complaining about things. Your vents will create more problems and will solve none except maybe make you feel better for a short second—at everyone's expense.

Maybe don't do that if you want to have fruitful and respectful conversations about stuff around here that bothers you—or any fandom therein, socmed-wise.

Anyway, my point is, anonymity—if handled correctly, it is possible— is an one way to talk through points of contention people have with stuff around the fandom. Another would be just…

Post about your hardships in the tag? Do the We Need To Talk thing? People will understand. That they might disagree, well. What are your priorities? To talk things through and probably agree to disagree, or getting pent up and potentially ruin everything by words too sharp?

*As you can also imagine, hateful peapol may overtake threads, still. Sometimes they do. The thread can die but can also be revived by knight anons who will fight these demons away. Or if when the new anons will discover the thread and evict the pests. You got the idea. Also. Anonymity allows to discuss gardening in shameless details. There is hardly anything funnier that being called Soup Cactus Anon. Or addressing the local pest as the Black Mold. In such a place, there's obviously a thread about some anons that piss everyone off. This is the local newspaper. Then there is that fucking hellhole, 'Fandom Grievances'. Deranged crappot, I hate it; '12 Things You HATE About Fandoms' is less toxic, people have polite talks there, can you imagine.

[himarifuruya]

Diamond Light [ Open Book ]

Preface: Diamond Light is a non-linear series of stories based around my OC Himari Furuya and her relationship with Tamaki Amajiki or Suneater.

TW: Chapters may contain Rated M [18+] content, such as graphic sexual content, canon typical violence and gore, body horror and explicit language.

Chapter Summary: Midterm exams are just around the corner and Himari knows she needs all the help she can get.

If Himari was asked what part of her heroic education she disliked the most, it would have to be the academic side. On top of their rigorous training, the students of U.A. were also expected to keep up with their regular studies. To get anywhere in this world, students not only needed to be exceptional in skill, but in intelligence as well. It was essential, a prestigious institution couldn’t afford to accept mediocrity.

Like winter’s frosty breath, the young hero could feel the chill of midterm exams creeping in. Every student with a lick of common sense would be cramming their brains out to earn the best results. She could only pray to the Gods that she could muster some passing marks.

As luck would have it, she found her chance

Instead of going home that day, she was in the library, sitting beside her work study partner, Tamaki Amajiki. Earlier that day, she found the dark-haired boy at the far table leaned over his study materials with a severe look on his face. It had been impeccable timing considering she had gone there for a peaceful place to work. Seeing an opportunity to get some help, she decided to reach out. As usual, she managed to give him a near heart attack when she seemed to appear before him out of thin air, asking if they could study together.

Much to her surprise, he agreed to it.

Ever since the two started working together at Fat Gum’s agency, they had been seeing a lot more of each other. Part of it was because Togata and Hado began making it a daily ritual to hang out before class, which sometimes led her to get scolded by the teacher for being late. Some of her classmates even joked that she wasn’t really their classmate, but a spy sent by the other class to ruin them.

The rest had been coincidental.

“S-So, what part are you having trouble with Furuya?” He asked suddenly disrupting her train of thought.

“Hm?”

He was looking away from her, fumbling with his mechanical pencil. “I…just thought that if we shared what parts we are struggling with, we could help each other out better.”

There was a grave look on her face as her gaze shifted from her study guide to the disastrous notes she scribbled during class.

“Everything…”

“I-Is that so?” He sounded concerned, falling quiet as he turned his gaze back to his own work. Himari’s attention drifted as well, suddenly feeling a little awkward. It almost caught her off guard when he spoke up again.

“Could you…maybe, show me your notes?”

“Uhm…” Himari thought for a moment, then closed her notebook. “…I don’t want to.”

He surprised her again with a flat look. “Furuya…”

“Okay, okay, but don’t laugh, English is literally my worst subject.” She held out her notebook as if she were handing out her diary.

After Tamaki took the notebook from her, he flipped it open to see what he was working with. She sat there, stiff as a board, watching him slowly sink back in his chair. His brows lifted as if mystified by what he just laid his eyes upon.

“Oh my god…” He covered his mouth with his hand, stifling a snort. “You confused ‘persecute’ with ‘prostitute’…”

She blinked. “What’s the difference?”

Her question sent him floundering, like a fish out of water. “W-Well, a, ugh, w-well, ehhhh.”

When he couldn’t get the words out, she offered him a sheepish grin. “Sorry, I’ve never been really good at this kind of thing… Even when I took the entrance exam, I barely passed the written portion. Guess I just prefer hands-on work.” She then added quickly. “─Don’t think I’ll use that as an excuse though! Even if it doesn’t seem like it, I am very serious about my studies.”

Something about her humor seemed to help calm him down to the point that he chuckled warmly at her words. “I-It’s okay, I understand that this stuff can be pretty dense…and well…b-boring.”

Himari hummed in agreement, resting her elbows on the table with her chin in the cradle of her palms. “Whenever I listen to an English lecture, I feel like my brain melts inside my skull and bleeds out of my ears.”

Amajiki raised a hand, halting her from further exposition. “I get it, you don’t need to include graphic imagery, dummy.”

“It’s more immersive that way though,” she said.

“Next time, ask for consent first.” His comeback got her giggling, usually when she made remarks like that, she often received weird looks or awkward laughter.

She let out a soft sigh. “I know this is a little too much, but it would really mean a lot to me if I had your help.”

He set down her notebook, scratching his cheek. “To be honest, I-I’m surprised that you would want to study with me.” She noticed he began to fidget as he went on to elaborate. “I-I mean I’m really…really bad at t-talking in general and well, explaining things…that’s all a lot of pressure… I-If I screw s-something up, I-I don’t want that to n-negatively affect you. God…I would feel so bad if that happened…I─”

Before he could ramble any further, Himari pushed a finger up to his lips, silencing him. His eyes widened and his cheeks reddened in response to her touch. He sank back into his chair to get away, staring up at her with a bewildered, almost frightened expression.

She stood up from her seat with her ruby gaze leveled with his indigo ones. If she was being honest with herself, she found his expression to be quite adorable.

“Listen Amajiki, you might think I have the wrong impression of you, but I truly believe you are a reliable person.” She spoke in a subdued tone that didn’t waver. “─Honestly, I really hate asking for help, period, but you’re someone I feel comfortable enough to be around; so, it’s not like I’m asking out of convenience.”

As she went on, Amajiki's terrified expression slowly morphed into wonder. He almost couldn't believe that she could speak such kind things so openly; not only that, but these were things she felt about him.

“Uh-Uhm…” He tore away from her gaze with a hand over his eyes. His voice came out shaky, practically rattling out of his throat. “Okay, Okay… Just….”

Hardly a second later, Amajiki had his back turned to her, folded over, and mumbling to himself. Seeing him trembling made Himari sit down, wondering if her approach had been too aggressive. Still, it’s not like she regretted saying it.

As if on instinct, she reached over and gently laid her palm on the center of his back. Not surprised when his entire body went frozen upon contact. Beneath her hand, she felt every tense muscle stiffen. He didn’t retract from her touch though, even as she spread her fingers over his vertebra.

It perked her intrigue when his shoulders started to slack. There was still a fair amount of rigidity in his posture, but not as much as there had been before. He eventually gathered enough of his composure speak. Though, his voice was so quiet she almost couldn’t make out what he said.

“…Thank you.”

Once she pulled her hand away, Amajiki started to shift around his seat, feeling brave enough to face her again. Sitting more properly, he cleared his throat. “I-I’m not sure how much better your scores will be with my help, b-but I-I’ll show you what I know.”

The girl looked up at him beaming. “If I can do just a little better than what I have been, then that’s more than I can ever ask for. Besides, I can't afford to let you down.”

“I see…” The smile that had moved onto his lips made her chest feel lighter, like the flutter of a soft breeze carrying her off to the warmth of summer. It filled her with an aching curiosity, but anything she might have wanted to say had escaped her. She didn’t mind it though, finding serenity in just being in his proximity.

However, the moment was cut short when a familiar teasing voice derailed them. “And what are you troublemakers doing?”

“M-Mirio!”

He had his face phased through a book on the display shelf behind them. There was a playful glint in his eyes, sounding a little too innocent. “Oh sorry, did I interrupt something? Tamaki, you’re looking pretty red in the ears.”

Amajiki’s hands shot up to cover them. “Sh-Shut up!”

“Sorry, sorry, I just saw you guys here, so I figured I would drop by to say hi,” he said. “You’re studying, right?”

“Sorta, though, I think I’m adding more work onto Amajiki’s plate.” Himari replied, ruffling the back of her hair.

“I-It isn’t a big deal at least, it shouldn’t be…” Amajiki’s eyes dropped to her notebook, suddenly recalling the catastrophe he saw. Under his breath, he mumbled. “I hope…”

“Are you busy, Togata? You could study with us too if you want,” she offered.

“Sure, as long as you guys don’t mind.”

"Togata, are you still spying on them?" Hado's inquired from faraway, sounding like she was ready to scold him.

"Uhm...no...?"

After a bit of of bantering, the group invited Hado to join them as well. With the squad united, they hit the books. Time seemed to fly as they dug into the material, reviewing information, sharing insight, and talking through numerous subjects. For Himari, it was like a breath of fresh air compared to studying on her own.

Admittedly, she found it astonishing how natural it felt to be part of their group. Despite her being in the rival class, they had always treated her as one of their own and never as an outsider. She never felt the need to question why either; their genuine nature seemed to shine through any possible doubt that could ever dare try to cloud her mind.

Her attention wandered back to Amajiki, who was occupied with reviewing his exam materials. Since the group had formed, he had been quiet for the most part, offering some dialogue here and there, but otherwise distracted. It wasn’t a painful silence though, but one that was in peace, relishing in a moment.

She thought he might turn away when he seemed to feel her gaze on him, but no. Instead, he offered her his undivided attention. “I-Is there something you need help with?” He asked with a sweet smile adorning his features.

Right then, she was reminded why she was there to begin with.

“Uhm…” She picked up her notebook, showing him the section she had been plugging away at. “Could you look over these for me?”

“Of course.”

Perhaps, it was selfish of her, but she wanted to cling to this group for as long as they would allow. Like a moth to a flame, she was drawn to their warmth.