#sometimes it really jjst baffles me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mycomori · 5 years

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god i wish i was rich so i could just donate to every single person o see in need/making a donation post. im lucky enough to be comfortable enough i can at least give SOMETHING to people. but i don’t have even close to enough to help everyone which makes me sad. but at the same time i know i’m doing what i can. uhg im jjst angry such assholes have money and don’t use it to do this shit. like how else would you do good with your money? what the fuck is the POINT passed having a nice comfortable life you deserve? if you’ve got more you should use it to help yourself or others when needed. and if someone is rich and just hoards that money never helping others it just baffles me. i would kill to be rich just so i could give it to others. jjsts i i could live a comfortable life as well as all those close to me and anyone i see needs the help. but it’s the same as every other delusion of idealism. i won’t ever have the money to help everyone just as no matter what i try won’t be able to save everyone, but the least u can do is TRY. the least u can do is help however i can. even if i can’t fix all he problems in the workd, or even in the lives of those close to me or my own, it’s okay. all i can do is try. all i can do is have good intentions to help and if in some way that becomes harmful to anyone however accidentally, all i can do is accept and realize that and try to change it. it’s all i can do. weirdly being drunk in a while bottle of wine in the first day of the new year is helping me to see some shit. or just accept things. accept i expect way too fucjing much of mysefl. i know i’ve failed a lot in my own mind. i know i’ve been hurt and used a lot. but at the end of the day i kept fighting ik strong i kept going kept working as hard as i could no matter what. there’s a reason my top positive comment at any job i’ve ever had is “they’re a hard worker” like i take pride in that and it kills me how hard i’ve worked and how little progress i’ve made but at the same time i have to appreciate myself for being a hard worker and really suffering through some shit to get where i am and i sometimes really mourn what ugw done to myself. how i’ve ruined my skin and my body with various forms of self harms. how i’ve taught my own mind to hate me. but ik trying to heal fuck i am really trying to heal and i rember jjst a few years ago, i was sitting in the street in a little southern italian town my family is from, and my dad cane and sat with me. and he basically begged me to get better, asked why i wasn’t trying, why all i wanted was to die, and i saw it in his eyes i broke his heart when i said “i don’t want to get better, im not ready to” and i hope now i’ve made him proud by trying to get better. and i know so may of my problems are because of him. and his abuse. but we are so similar, we are the same, and have always bene so close despite the fact he’s my greatest fear. how can i love someone so fucking much, more than anything, and also have that person be the main source of my trauma and ptsd? maybe because i’m stupid and i forgive too easily. but also maybe that’s just life. it’s everyone’s own descision if hey forgive their abuser and why. i always feel guilty for it. every day i feel guilty i’ve finally started to rebuild my relationship with the man who abused me my whole life. and it took me so long to even admit that. that he abused me, that he’s the main source of my trauma, that i’ll always be fucked uo cause of him. but now that i have acknowledged that and have accepted it as the truth i also have to accept that i know who he is and he is not a bad person. i do not hate him, a part of me resents him for what he did, but i do not hate him, in fact i live him more then snything. in a way i could never love mysefl because i am so pathetically self hating. and yes there are things i hate about him, but he’s apologized, he’s told me he would change and he did change

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