#sometimes you just need to ramble about the most unimportant things in order to avoid working on the most important things in your life rn

[tardis--dreams]

I really have to work on my thesis so here's a list of all the dramas I've watched this year and a summary of my most beloved blorbos

• 오징어 게임 - Squid Game: watched once in January. Loved it a lot but couldn't rewatch because it was too heavy for me at the time.

• 쓸쓸하고 찬란하神-도깨비 - Goblin/Guardian the Lonely and Great God: watched once in February/March, cried every episode, need to rewatch soon

• 괴물 - Beyond Evil: You may not have noticed but i have developed some sort of unhealthy obsession with it. Watched it 5 times in total within the span of eight months. 3 times in April, once in July/August once in November. Nothing will ever compare. It changed my brain chemistry. Got the script books despite probably only knowing like 15% of the vocabulary in there but can read them effortlessly because i know the entire show by heart.

• 무브 투 헤븐: 나는 유품정리사입니다 - Move to Heaven: watched it completely once in April. My nose got sore from crying too much. Sometimes i rewatch an episode just to feel something. Beautiful.

• 악마판사 - The Devil Judge: watched 4.5 times so far. 3 times in May/June, once in September/October and got halfway through my fourth rewatch in December (and will continue that eventually). I am obsessed. Absolutely, utterly Obsessed. Second drama i got the script books because i love it so much.

• 나의 해방일지 - My Liberation Notes: watched once in June and fell in love. Very high on my to rewatch list and if they release a script book I'd absolutely try to get that as well!

• 해피니스 - Happiness: Watched twice. First time within the span of 3 days in June/July. I had Corona and was isolating and dreamed about it every. goddamm. night. The whole "what do we do with the infected? Should we throw them out or kill them?" really seemed to resonate with me there lol. Rewatched in September and definitely will rewatch again.

• 내일 - Tomorrow: watched once in August. Idk why i expected something light hearted (i really don't know why) but i loved it very much despite the dark and heavy topics.

• 타인은 지옥이다 - Strangers From Hell: watched once. Was a wild ride.

• 배드 앤 크레이지 - Bad and Crazy: watched twice in August. I absolutely hadn't expected to love it so much. It touched my heart and I'll rewatch it regularly.

• 인간실격 - Lost: Watched once in September. Loved it a lot.

• 나의 아저씨 - My Mister: Watched once in October. No words. Will rewatch. People really weren't lying when they said it's a master piece.

• 악의 꽃 - Flower of Evil: Watched within the span of 3 days in December and am currently on my 1st rewatch. Easily gets to share first place of my favorite dramas with Beyond Evil and The Devil Judge. SO EMOTIONAL. (Also love how it shows how psychiatry and psych diagnoses are used to dehumanize and criminalize people and how it can shape a person's sense of self. Classic example of character assassination. But we don't talk about this on here.)

Now, to summarize my faves:

There's no hierarchy but if I had to say what's my favorite drama, the first place would go to Beyond Evil, which has the first first place, meaning it is untouchable, so it would be unfair to say it's my only number one. Therefore the ranking of my faves goes like this:

1.1 Beyond Evil.

1.2. The Devil Judge, Bad and Crazy, and Flower of Evil

My favorite special little guys are:

• Han Juwon: Very Blorbo. Pathetic wet dog of a man, annoying little bitch (affectionate), I wanted to slap him sometimes as much as I wanted to hug him. He's very dear to me)

• Kang Yohan: Poor little meow meow! Also pathetic wet dog of a man. Very much enjoyed going from hating him to loving him more than my life.

• Ryu Soo Yeol: Classic Blorbo. Also pathetic wet dog of a man (arguably the most pathetic). I love him very much.

• Do Hyun Soo: HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE EVER! He doesn't even give me pathetic wet dog of a man vibes witch is shocking since this is apparently my type! Nothing was more heartbreaking than seeing him sobbing and apologizing and breaking down after so many years of hiding his identity. Deserves the best dad award. I love him so much you don't even understand. (I guess the reason i trusted him from the beginning on was the fact they labeled him with a certain diagnose. You tell me that guy is evil because a psychiatrist said so? So he must be a good person! (Sorry my hatered for psychiatry and psychiatrists/therapists shines through a bit much when I talk about this show/character)).

This, unfortunately, shows very clearly that my type™️ is men with childhood trauma (: Dongsik is very dear to me as well, but since all the horrors started for him after 20 years of having a loving childhood and teenage years, I guess i got imprinted on Juwon instead.

Characters I wanna marry so badly:

• Yoon Saebom

• Yoo Jaeyi

• wouldn't say no to Do Hyun Soo tbh. Has proven to be the perfect husband-

If i stop writing this post I'll have to deal with my thesis so uhhh what can i ramble about.. Oh i know:

BEST OST:

• The Devil Judge! Sexiest OST I've come across so far. Tempest and What You Gonna Do are definitely two of the best songs in the history of songs

• Strangers From Hell! This show might not be my favorite but nothing comes close to this soundtrack.

• Beyond Evil! Empty and 향해 reduce me to tears and Timeless is just unmatched

• Happiness! Pain really hit hard with the line "please i just want everything to stop". Also most of the songs featured aren't even on the official OST but they are SO good!

[clonemando]

for requests. i like jango and boba a lot if you could do some slice of life with them

I had so many fun ideas for this ranging from Boba taking a joyride in the Slave One to Boba adopting a tooka but I settled on the most angsty one in the end. Boba having an allergic reaction to some food Jango made and the emotions stirred up by it. I hope you enjoy! Feel free to request more stuff too. I love getting requests.

There were three things in the universe that Jango Fett cared about. One was his reputation. He was honorable and fair. He always kept his word and never backed out of a deal. He always completed his mission. Second was his ship. The Slave One was his home and an extension of himself and his armor. He kept it in perfect running order and spared no expense in making sure it was always fueled and armed. That ship had saved his life on several occasions and he had a feeling it would do so many more times as well. The last was his son. Just because he was the last on the list didn't mean he was less important. Jango would give up his name and his ship and every credit he owned for Boba. Nothing mattered more to him than his son. However he wanted his name and his ship to be there for Boba when the day came that he couldn't. The reputation he built would help keep Boba safe and give him the opportunities he needed to survive and his ship would protect his son like it had protected him. He still hoped that day was far away. However, no matter how precious and important his son was to him, it didn't mean Jango knew what the heck he was doing.

"Boba no!" He yelped as the little gremlin made to jump off the top of the shelves in their kitchen.

"Boba lek!" Boba countered and jumped and Jango barely caught him before his son would have hit the ground.

"What are you doing?!" He groaned lifting the giggling toddler into his arms.

"I wanna fly like the aiwhas! Can you teach me buir?! Please! You can do anything!" Boba said brightly. Jango's frustration melted under the huge brown eyes that were reflecting nothing but childish innocence and love back at him. He swore he heard Jaster laughing at him from where he was marching on.

"People can not fly like aiwhas Boba." He said setting his son on the counter and starting to make some caff since he was fully awake now. Did every buir have to wake up at 5am to stop their child from diving into durasteel floors? Or was that just him?

"But... But... You fly buir! I saw you!" Boba pouted and Jango booped his nose to stop the incoming tears.

"I use a jetpack Boba, which you are still too small to use. It'd burn your feet right off. When you're older, after your Verd'goten, I will teach you how to use one. I promise." He said and Boba took a moment to think before deciding that was a fair deal much to Jango's relief.

"I can't wait to be big enough for my Ver- Verd- Ver-"

"Verd'goten,"

"Yeah! That! I want to be a warrior just like you dad!" He said brightly.

"You'll be even better than me one day Boba. But let's not rush things. I like my little Bob'ika just how he is." Jango said bumping their foreheads together gently as he finished making his caff and then started on first meal for both of them. Boba continued to chatter about everything he was going to do when he grew up and Jango half listened while he cooked making sure to keep note of the important things Boba mentioned but tuning out the rambling bits.

He helped Boba down from the counter and up into his seat at the table before bringing both their bowls of mashed fruit in a sort of milk porridge. He sprinkled some Mandalorian spices on his and dug in while watching Boba eat his without the extra spice. He hadn't made this for Boba yet and he wanted to see if his son liked it so he knew if he should get more or not. The grains used were the same ones his family used to grow on their farm on Concord Dawn so the meal was a little special to him.

"Mmmmm this is good buir! It's warm." Boba said smiling at him and Jango returned the smile easily about to explain the significance when Boba interrupted.

"It's a little spicy though. Next time can I have less spice?" Boba asked and Jango frowned.

"I didn't add any spice to your Bob'ika. It shouldn't be spicy at all." He told him but pulled Boba's bowl closer to look inside and make sure he hadn't accidentally added anything to it that would cause it to taste spicy.

"It makes my tongue feel all tingly and hurts my throat though." Boba whined and Jango's eyes widened just a little bit pulling the bowl away completely when he noticed Boba's face was swelling up. For a single moment he was too panicked to think clearly before he remembered what he needed to do and grabbed the epi-pen from a nearby drawer and returned stabbing it into Boba's thigh and then alerting the Kaminoans for help as he stroked Boba's hair gently to soothe him since Boba was scared now.

"It's an allergic reaction Boba. You'll be okay. That's why we keep these. I get then with some foods too." He explained keeping his voice level despite his own fear. Boba was his clone, why the hell was he allergic to something like this that Jango had been eating just fine? He would slaughter those pathetic Kaminoans if they lied to him and did something to his son.

"Jango? Boba is okay now. We believe this allergy is due to his upbringing. You were born and raised on Concord Dawn where the grain is found and were exposed to it's pollen and ate it often growing up. However, Boba's lack of exposure has caused him to develop this allergy. With your permission we will do a test for all common allergens found on Concord Dawn and Kamino as well as other well traveled planets so you can be more aware of what to avoid in the future." One of the nurses said in the Kaminoan's normal relaxed tones.

Jango let out a breath and nodded. "Of course. Please do." He said and she nodded her agreement but hesitated.

"I was also told to offer you a replacement product. We added immunity to such simple issues already to the other clones. If your product is not to your liking, we are more than happy to replace it with a better version." She said and Jango felt sick over just how little they understood. Boba was his son! He didn't want a replacement.

"I have already put too much work into this one to have to replaced. I just want the tests done and I'll work with what I have." He said and she bowed her head at him.

"As you request." she agreed walking away but Jango's face fell to his hands. Boba wasn't just a clone. He was Jango's son. He was everything good in his life. He had almost lost him and those demogolka thought they could just replace him like one of the meat droids they were making? Boba was different. He was special. He wasn't replaceable.

A small voice inside Jango suggested that maybe none of the clones were replaceable but he shut that one up tight. Even if that was somehow true there was nothing Jango could do for them. A deal was a deal. Only Boba belonged to him. He was the only one Jango could protect and thoughts of the other clones would only break him to think about. No, they were unimportant and it was none of his business what happened to them. Boba was his and he would not let them compare him to the product they were making for the jedi.

As soon as they finished and cleared him Jango brought Boba back to their apartment and brought him to his bed where he could hold his son while Boba napped and reassure himself Boba was okay and he hadn't lost him.

"Buir?" Boba asked quietly and Jango held him a little tighter.

"What do you need Boba?" He asked in return.

"You know... if you... if you did want to replace me... they could just slow the aging on a trained clone and you could pick up from there. You don't have to be stuck with a defective product like me." He almost whispered and Jango felt like he had been shot.

"No! No, Boba, no. I could... You're... You're perfect. You are exactly what I wanted and you aren't defective at all. I'm allergic to things too. I have a prescription on the visor of my helmet to help me see better. Sometimes my back cramps up and I have trouble moving. None of that makes me less worthy of being your buir does it?" He asked waiting for Boba to shake his head before continuing.

"Boba you are one of a kind. You aren't just a smaller version if me. You are my son. You're unique and those differences are part of what I love about you." He said tears rolling down his face.

"Even the bad ones?" Boba asked nervously.

"Even the ones that scare me and make me want to hold you forever and never let go. I love you Boba. No other clone will ever be my Boba. Only you. Never ever doubt that. I could never replace you and I never would want to." He swore.

"I love you too Buir." Boba murmured and Jango sighed resting his cheek on his son's curls humming to him quietly until they both fell asleep.

[kasiopeiae]

Worth the Pain

// Another Man’s Treasure // Mind on a Mission // Take the Lead // Worth the Pain // Wings of Butterflies

The banging at your door startled you; it was after eleven on a weeknight, no one in their right mind should be pounding on your door. Armed with your phone, you peered out the peephole. It was Harry His hair was disheveled and damp from the rain and his eyes were heavy as he swayed a bit. At the sound of you unlocking the door, he straightened to not lean on it anymore. He filled the doorway with his broad shoulders and towered over you in his expensive boots. The faint smell of whiskey signaled he’d been drinking. “You alright, Haz?” you asked. No matter how angry he had made you—no matter how hurt you were—you couldn’t stop the surge of excitement that filled you. Harry was here at your place completely uninvited. It had to mean something. “Can I c’min?” he slurred. As you nodded, you bit your lip and it was all Harry could focus on; the way your lips—soft as petals—darkened under the pressure of your teeth made him want to take a bite. He stumbled over the threshold, mostly on purpose, bumping his hand with yours so you’d take it. And you did, shutting the door behind him and leading him over to the small couch. Harry smiled with smug satisfaction; he knew just what he needed to do to have you take care of him. You curled up in your corner of the couch, leaving Harry alone in his own. He didn’t like the way you were all closed off from him, arms wrapped tightly around your legs. He wracked his intoxicated mind for a suave move to reach out and touch you. That’s when he noticed the vaguely familiar white t-shirt and tight grey briefs you wore. Neither should have been distinct, except for the fact the shirt had three holes around the collar and the briefs were worn Calvins he hadn’t seen in awhile. “These my clothes?” he asked, leaning toward you and thumbing the loose sleeve of your—his—shirt. Your cheeks flushed as your breath caught; Harry could practically feel the heat radiating from you. “Maybe,” you answered sheepishly, looking down to avoid his gaze. “Been lookin’ for these since Christmas!” He leaned back into his spot, but not without bringing your legs with him, pulling them into his lap. “Well you left ‘em in my room, so I thought that meant you didn’t want them!” You giggled as he ran his hands over your legs, stopping every now and again to toy with your toes. “Stop it, Haz, you’re tickling me!” Harry continued until you kicked your feet out of his grasp. He held his hands up in surrender, promising to stop and willing you to come back into his lap. You refused, shaking your head cheekily and holding your legs tightly to your chest. “C’mon, yeh enjoyed my ticklin’ last time.” You both got quiet at the mention of last time. Because there was another last time that hung awkwardly in the air between you, one that needed addressing. “You been ignorin’ me…” You rested you cheek against your knee, attempting to keep your blush hidden. Harry bowed his head in shame, toying with his bottom lip as he nodded in acknowledgement. “I…I’m sorry, Hazza, really—” “Please don’t.” He looked up, eyes hard and dark, almost angry. And he was angry, angry with himself for the way he’d treated you and the decisions he was making and the feeling of his cock twitching in his tight jeans at the sweet sound of your voice; there was a bit of a rasp to it and he wanted it in his ear moaning his name. “Came ‘round to apologize…lemme make it up to yeh?” Harry’s heart picked up speed as he laid the groundwork as yours sped with anticipation. He waited patiently for you to answer him, hoping against hope you wouldn’t toss him out. You swallowed hard before responding. “How…you gonna do that?” Harry crooked a finger at you, beckoning you forward. When you hesitated, he patted his lap insistently; he had that look in his eye that told you he wanted something, and very rarely was Harry Styles denied. On hands and knees, you closed the short distance between you, cleavage spilling from the collar of his shirt while your ass wiggled deliciously from underneath his tight briefs. You found yourself wondering what you were doing as you straddled his hips, one of his legs sprawled out on the couch as the other hung off the edge. The way he was spread made him press right against your center. “I want yeh to kiss me.” A shy smile broke out across your lips as you looked down at your fingers toying with the mostly-open collar of his shirt. Harry didn’t move, hardly dared to breathe, as he savored the feeling of you straddled across his lap. He wanted any move to come from you; if you initiated he’d be more of a prick if he didn’t respond. You touched your nose to his, foreheads pressed together. The smell of the sweet mint of your toothpaste tickled Harry’s upper lip and the swirl of all the alcohol he’d consumed filled your lungs. “I’ve been wantin’ yeh t’kiss me again. Think yeh can do that fo’ me?” “Yes,” you breathed. “Will it be enough to make it up to yeh?” Harry looked at you expectantly, and you both knew the answer was no, and even if it were yes he couldn’t promise he’d take it and stop things from going further. The silence was unbearable, so you took the lead and pressed your lips to his. You caressed his cheek, sinking lower onto him, rubbing against the bulge in his pants. And he kissed you back, fervently this time, his lips moving in time with yours and working to invite your tongue into his mouth. His taste filled your mouth and you wanted more--more kissing, more touching, more Harry. And you weren’t disappointed this time as his hands came to rest on your hips, sliding beneath the hem of his shirt to feel your skin and hold you closer against his chest. Your arm snaked around his neck to deepen the kiss as his hand slipped into his briefs to cup your bum. A slight moan escaped your lips and around Harry’s as you continued to rub against his bulge. He parted from you, adjusting you and him a bit so you came to rest atop his thigh. He moved to show you how to grind against him, but you were ahead of the game and riding his thigh like a champ. A lustful growl rumbled in his chest before he reconnected your lips. He could just barely feel your folds gliding and parting against him through the fabric of his jeans, and the longer and more emphatically you rocked on him the more the dampness started to permeate the layers of fabric separating your skin. The kisses you gave Harry became more desperate as your breath grew ragged from the intense pleasure pooling between your thighs. Lust clouded his mind, alcohol no longer the only source of inebriation, and he flexed his muscles beneath you while pushing against you to make you feel him right there. You moaned against his lips, a raspy, throaty noise that oozed with hints of just how close you were to coming. Harry wanted it, craved it, longed to feel you shutter against him and wet his jeans further. But then he remembered how he found himself in this situation in the first place, all the shouting you’d done about needing a heart-racing orgasm and your desire to be devoured. Your fingers curled around his ear, bottom lip carefully entrapped between his teeth as the circular motion of your hips against his rigid thigh made your spine tingle. “Hazza,” you whimpered, a pathetic sound that consisted only of breathy, needy desire; Harry was absolutely on fire hearing it. Another moan and a decision was made. “Uh-uh. No. Not gon’ let yeh come like this. Deserve more. Better. ” He held you close and pushed off the couch, your thighs pressed tightly around his waist. “Wha—s’that mean?” You attempted to rub against him, but his grip on you was strong enough to keep you relatively still. “Time for a snack.” He placed you gently on your bed, laying you on your back. His hands grazed up your front as he slid his shirt up and over your head. Harry was speechless for a moment, looking down at the perfect peaks of your breasts, admiring the way the rise and fall of your breathing shook them lightly. He tweaked each nipple with thumb and forefinger as he sucked on the other before leaving a steaming trail of kisses down your belly, sinking to his knees on the floor to rest between your legs. He peeled his briefs off you and spread you wide to get a good look at your glistening slit before hanging you around his neck like a medal of honor. The first lick made you lose your mind as your fingers dug into the sheets and a whine rippled through your body. He flattened his tongue and painted stripes from opening to clit, pausing every third or fourth lick to suck the sensitive spot in a way that made your toes curl each time. Harry could feel you quivering around him and knew you were close as you started to collect and drip down his chin. “Sit up.” You were too lost to register what he said until he placed his hands underneath the small of your back and squeeze your sides to get your attention. “Sit up, Bub—.” He stopped himself and shook his head, removing the familiar nickname from his brain. He couldn’t get lost in familiarity with you unless he wanted rational thought to take over and end his lustful mission. “Sit up, love. Gonna watch yeh come. Have t’see this orgasm rip through you.” Doing as you were told, you propped up on your elbows and Harry resumed his routine; one long lick bottom to top, one short lick just grazing the clit, a swirl around it followed by a long, hard suck. Like a crocodile half submerged in water examining its prey, he watched you begin to fall apart, waiting for the right moment to strike. And when your head lulled back, muscles flexing around him, and swear words tumbled from your lips like gospel, he devoured you, fucking you with his tongue unlike any man had ever dared to before. Your arms gave as pleasure took over, back arching up. Harry secured you to him, wrapping around you and lifting your bum off the bed, relishing and encouraging the way you grinded against his tongue to complete your release as your flavor coated him. At some point, he returned your lower half to the mattress and removed his mouth from your center. He loomed over you now, staring down at you and watching as aftershocks of euphoria trembled through your naked body. He wanted to join you, to be naked as the day with you, bask in the glory of your soft skin against his without any barriers or interruptions. His clothes were off in a second; you hardly got to enjoy the show of him ripping free the few closed buttons of his shirt or the spectacle of his thick cock springing free from the confines of his tight pants. Your mouth watered at the sight of him, body coming alive at the prospect of hosting such a fine specimen. You made to touch him, sitting up so you could get your hands on his member and kiss away the sticky substance leaking from the tip, but he stopped you, kneeling on the bed and placing a firm hand on your shoulder. You gazed up at him, eyes wide with innocence as you wondered what came next and what you could do to make him happy. Harry realized later that, if he were a good man, he would have recognized the purity and eagerness to please, to be what he wanted, radiating from you for what it was instead of twisting it into the same unadulterated lust he felt. “S’not about me,” he explained, coaxing you further up the bed and down on your back. He hovered over you as your legs bowed around him, feet pawing at his backside to pull him closer. “S’bout you. Want to make it up to yeh. Make yeh feel how sorry I am.” His mouth covered yours, his cock resting between your bellies as the kiss intensified. You were a mess of extremities, both yearning to feel everything all at once. Hands flowed from fisting into hair to grasping at flesh to raking down skin with nails marking territory. Feet dug deep into the mattress for purchase, rubbed against legs to gain closeness, curled in pleasure. Harry muttered something about condoms against your throat, and you shook your head, claiming not to have any even though there was a drawer full of them right next to him. He faltered, thinking carefully about how to proceed. Feeling him stall, you pulled his head up to look at you. “It’s fine,” you said from bee-stung lips. Harry wanted to bite them, continue sucking on them til they were as red as cherries and as wet as your other set. “M’on the pill.” Heat prickled through him as you insisted he fuck you bare. You took to grinding your wetness against him, teasing yourself with his cock against your slit. You dripped for him. “You trust me?” he asked, breathing heavy from exertion. “With everything.” Harry realized later that, if he were a good man, he would have removed himself from your hold and fished out the condom in his wallet instead of taking advantage of the upswing of your hips and diving straight in. You moaned, mewling his name as he filled you to the brim. Tears stung your eyes has he stretched you as no man had ever before. “Fuck-in’ hell, love,” he swore. “Yeh so bloody tight.” You preened from the praise, but your smile didn’t last long as Harry began to thrust. “Oh, Hazza, yes. Like that. Yes!” Your head lulled back against the pillows in ecstasy, eyes closed and lip held tightly between teeth. “So snug around my cock. Yeh cunt fits me like a glove.” He sat up, taking it all in; from the way he disappeared inside you and reappeared sticky with your essence, how your tits jiggled with every movement and nipples begged to be sucked, the sound of your soft gasps as he managed to plunge deeper and hit you in spots you didn’t even know existed. It was overwhelming, the way you fought to keep your eyes open to watch as Harry fucked you and how you gripped at his wrists to keep a hold on him. Harry looked away. He could feel the pressure building deep within and if he continued to be captivated by your squeaks of pleasure and pouty lips he’d combust all too soon. After the fourth or fifth time you caught him turning away from you, you needed an answer. “Stop, stop. Why aren’t you lookin’ at me? Think I’m ugly or summat?” It was half a joke because he was buried deep inside you and would he be if he weren’t attracted to you? But half not because he’d been all about watching you come earlier, demanding you sit up for him so he could see, but suddenly now he wasn’t interested? Harry was caught off guard. He quit thrusting as you requested, and lowered to meet your gaze. “N-no. Yeh gorgeous, love.” You looked at him expectantly, waiting for the reason then. He sighed, rolling his eyes as he adjusted the weight of your legs around his waist into a more comfortable position. “S’just…You’re very expressive…And I don’t wanna come, not yet. But if I keep looking at yeh, I will. ‘ve thought about yeh for months and to have you under me, making all these filthy noises and pulling these sexy faces…I can’t handle it.” “You’ve been thinking about me?” You shuffled beneath him, longing to give him a release a fraction as good as the one he’d given you. You clenched around him, digging your nails against the skin on his back. He moaned. “Yeah,” Harry admitted, slowly thrusting into you while maintaining eye contact; he’d do anything to continue feeling you claw at his back and squeeze his cock for all it’s worth. “What about me?” “This.” He sucked at your neck, again overwhelmed by the way desire was etched into your features. “Hm?” “Saw you…getting into the shower over Christmas. I’ve wanted to feel you against me, bury my cock inside you since.” The last word was more of a groan as you clenched around him again. Your fingers laced in his hair, bringing you nose-to-nose so he’d have to look at you. With every thrust, your hips met his and when you could feel him trying to pull back, you’d hold tighter and grind against him. “What’re yeh doin’ love?” He was exasperated, the sensations of your cunt closing in on his cock, pulsing all around and daring to force his seed from it if he wouldn’t cooperate. “Want to make you come,” you whined. You wanted to make him feel good, to see him release and experience vulnerability that Harry didn’t often expose. You’d given him everything, completely unraveled in his arms, and it was only fair that you got the same from him. “S’not about me,” he repeated. It was a mantra echoing through his mind as he continued to thrust into you, each stroke becoming more forceful as he lost himself. He had to keep telling himself that this wasn’t for him, it was for you. Because he owed you an apology. Because you hadn’t had a proper fuck in years. “Not. About. Me.” Each word was emphasized with a pounding thrust that shook through you as he bottomed out. You were gasping and writhing on the edge of another orgasm when your walls constricted around Harry’s cock and he was spilling his hot seed into you. He hardly rested, hardly let his cum settle, before he was pulling out and lapping you up. His tongue swirled around your clit, sucked and pulled at it, while his fingers found the spot his cock had been stoking deep within you. Any coherent thought you had was reduce to shallow shouts and pants of his name as you wound your fingers in his hair and, to keep you from bucking him off, he gripped your hips so tightly that you’d surely be marked for days. Your toes curled and body spasmed as he licked you to completion for the second time. Because he owed you an apology. Because you hadn’t had a proper orgasm in years. Dewy skin brushed together as Harry made his way back to your lips. He kissed you, harder than you expected. Your flavors mingling between your lips tasted like sin to Harry while it was like perfection to you. He kissed you for a while, softening as time went on. Eventually you made him stop as yawns kept interrupting the flow between his lips and yours. He watched as you made your way to the bathroom, the light filtering through the blinds just enough to illuminate the slickness between your thighs and a few drops of him that slowly slid down your legs. It was pornographic; an image that would never leave his mind no matter how hard he willed it away. And he tried, hard, to forget. You were much too young and he had too many memories of you as a little girl for this one to be stored side-by-side. The alcohol was starting to work its way out of his bloodstream as you settled back in bed and searched for a cuddle. He let you wrap yourself around him, resting your cheek on his back, only because he didn’t have the heart to tell you he couldn’t stomach the feeling of you on his skin any longer. Every steady breath you took, every soft noise you made in your sleep was a reminder of the way he could alter your breathing with a flick of his tongue and pull desperate, needy noises from you with just a kiss. He was sick with himself. He’d taken advantage of you in the name of apology and under the guise of making up. Harry realized, if he were a good man, he would have been up front about his intense desire to fuck you instead of pretending none of this was about him. He could worship you body, give you orgasm after orgasm, rebuff you every time you made to pleasure him and claim it was only about you, but that didn’t make it the truth. He worshiped your body because he coveted your body. He brought you to orgasm because he wanted to watch your body respond and see if it lived up to the scenes in his imagination. He rebuffed your advances to suck him off because he wanted his cum leaking from your cunt instead of dripping down your throat. All of this was about him. And in the process, he let you fall apart in his arms, let you think he’d be around to fit the pieces back together. He let you look at him with hearts in your eyes and plans in your mind without ever addressing his own heart and plans, each of which he intended to keep unattached. Free. When sleep consumed you and you released Harry, rolling to the other side of your bed to cuddle a pillow, he slipped out from under the covers and dressed quickly, taking care to shut the door quietly.

The blaring of your alarm startled you, and you hurried to find and silence it. “Sorry, sorry,” you mumbled, fiddling with the screen to make the chiming stop. You knew how much Harry hated waking to an alarm—especially when he’s not working—and, even though you found him to be impossibly cute while grumpy, you didn’t want a sour mood to ruin the pure bliss that transpired mere hours earlier. “Forgot I’ve got…” You felt around for Harry, surprised he hadn’t started complaining yet, but he wasn’t there. “…class.” You looked around for any signs of him, but your room was empty. “Hazza?” you called, but received no answer. You pulled the sheets around your naked body and got out of bed, going to search the rest of your flat for him. But he wasn’t on the couch. Or in the kitchen. Not even in the hallway. And when you pulled the door open to make sure he wasn’t in the hallway you noticed it was unlocked, though you could have sworn you locked it after letting Harry in the night before. You returned to your bedroom and noticed your clothes—that were really Harry’s—were still lying on the floor, but his were not. You checked your phone, reasoning he must’ve had somewhere to be and probably left you a text explaining so. But he didn’t. You examined every piece of paper and anything that could be written on for a note explaining why you were alone. But there was nothing. Wrapping yourself up in the blankets, you curled back up in bed. There wasn’t a single trace of Harry in your flat, no evidence he had been over at all. But there was a dull ache between your thighs from where he had rested. And your hips had bruises from where he dug into you. A trail of purple welts in the shape of his mouth adorned your neck and breasts. Your lips were chapped and still a bit swollen from his kisses. He may have evaporated from your flat, but he was all over your body. Was it stupid to expect him to still be here when you woke? Because you felt stupid. What on earth had made you think he wouldn’t be able to find the door in the morning when he found your bed so easily in the dark? Well, you knew what; you thought he cared for you enough to not just leave you, to not use his knowledge of you and your flat to disappear when he’d had enough. But…but maybe he just popped out to grab breakfast and would be back soon. And he was trying to surprise you, so that’s why there was no note. So you waited. Missed class. Even fell back asleep. You stayed in bed all day waiting for him to come back, but as the sun fell lower in the sky and your bedroom grew darker, crushing disappointment consumed you. But maybe he got mobbed by a group of fans or got caught up with a friend or, or…something. Anything. You refused to believe you’d been tossed to the side again. Not by Harry—not by your Hazza-- he wouldn’t do that to you. You texted him, and you had a good feeling about it. He would respond because he wouldn’t do this to you. Did you get lost on your way back from getting us breakfast, Haz? A minute and fifty-four seconds passed before a sick, panicky feeling rose in your stomach when you didn’t get a response. When would he come back? Tomorrow? Ever? Thirteen minutes more without a response was enough time for you to draft multiple follow up texts, but you sent none of them. The more time that passed without a response, the more reality sunk in. Despite you thinking Harry wouldn’t do this to you, here he was doing it to you. Twenty-two minutes of second-guessing every move you made, every kiss you gave him, the faces and noises you made under his expert touch was enough to reduce you into sobbing, self-conscious mess. Thirty-four minutes was all it took to soak your pillow with salty tears, your pillow that still smelled of Harry and sex and sex with Harry. Sex that, unbeknownst to you, meant nothing. Sex that had left your body riddled with evidence of him, of the pleasure he gave, of the love he made, that had you now feeling dirty and foolish. Sex that had left you wallowing in the wake of his essence and ever growing presence, and despite giving all you had to him, he left with no part of you. He left with no thought of you. And after seven and a half days of nothing—no calls, no texts, no smoke signals—the feeling of him between your thighs dissipated, the hickeys and bruises faded, your lips rehydrated, but the mark he left on your heart was everlasting.

[almightygodismydependence-blog]

A Christian’s Diary: The Misunderstanding Between My Mother and Me Has Finally Been Resolved

Su Ping

January 8, 2018 Monday Cloudy

Recently, my mother’s health has not been good. It is not very convenient for her to leave the house. Our church leader was afraid that this would interfere with her attending meetings. As a result, he asked me to have meetings with my mother at home. Even though I did not say anything when I heard him say this, inside, I was not very happy. In a flash, the unhappy incidences between my mother and me that occurred in the past appeared in my mind like scenes from a movie.

My mother is old now and her memory is poor. She is often forgetful when she does things. Sometimes, she forgets what I told her to do and thus, I have to repeatedly remind her. I am a very neat and tidy person, yet, I do have quite a temper. My mother is a relatively sloppy and messy person. After she finishes eating, she frequently forgets to clear the crumbs of food from the table and the floor. I find this particularly hard to bear. Since I disapprove of my mother’s habits, I frequently get peeved off and am involved in a cold war with her, and at times I even lose my temper at her, but she never changes.

Each time we eat, my mother nags a lot. If this goes on for a long time, I get a bit impatient. Sometimes, just as I am about to start eating, my mother begins to nag. When this occurs, I cannot help but become agitated. I try to repress my temper but the result is that I end up saying something quite cold: “Eat your food. Don’t talk so much.” After many of these exchanges, I started to believe that no matter how much I say, my mother will not change. In my heart, I firmly believe that my mother is someone that is just hard to get through to. Previously, I was secretly very happy that I did not need to have meetings with my mother because I no longer needed to listen to her talk endlessly. I never would have thought that this situation would change today. This was something that I really did not want to face, and it’s really hard to obey. However, I then thought, “My mother is sick and she is unable to go out by herself to attend meetings. I cannot just leave her behind and not take care of her. I have to have meetings with her.”

After we finished eating lunch, we said a prayer and then we started our meeting. After finishing reading God’s words, my mother only talked about some shallow understanding of these words. She did not talk about any knowledge of them in light of her practical experiences. I reminded her, “When we communicate God’s words, we should relate them to some of the things that we experience in our own lives, and we need to reflect on our own corrupt dispositions that we have revealed, and understand God’s intentions and God’s demands for us.” Upon hearing this, my mother started speaking endlessly. She rambled for a long time but wouldn’t speak to the point. I couldn’t stand it when she talked about all these unimportant things. All I could do was interrupt her, “Mother, you have believed in God for many years. Yet, you do not even know how to grasp the key points when communicating about God’s words. I think you do not understand anything. How can you be so silly?” My mother was so embarrassed by my attitude that she had nothing to say. The more my mother remained silent, the more I became angry. In a fit of rage, I said, “Look, all I did was point out your mistakes and you do not give me a reply at all. How are we to continue our meeting? From now on, you can do this yourself!” As a result, we parted on bad terms. Thinking of my mother’s helpless expression at that time, from the depths of my heart I now feel embarrassment. It is particularly painful. My mother is old and her caliber is poor. My demands for her should not be so high!

January 15, 2018 Monday Cloudy

Each time my mother finishes eating, the crumbs of food from her bowl end up all over the floor. After we walk back and forth and step on them a few times, the floor becomes dirty. Today, I finally came up with a solution to this: From now on, we will eat in the kitchen. That way, it would be very difficult for her to make the floor dirty. I moved a small table to the kitchen before our next meal. The result, though, was that, when it came time for the meal, my mother simply brought her food into the living room. When I saw this, I felt very helpless and I also felt angry. However, when I thought about how I was a Christian and how I was not living out even a very basic level of tolerance and patience, I felt ashamed. As a result, I reigned in my temper and gave my mother a reminder, “Mother, can you stop dropping the crumbs of food onto the table and floor?” It seemed like my mother did not detect the anger that I was trying to suppress when I gave her that reminder. She replied casually, “If it’s dirty, just clean it a bit and it should be fine.” When I saw how obstinate my mother was, I blurted out, “Mother, I have told you many times already. You never listen to my suggestions!” At this point, I suddenly thought of another matter over the past few days and I could not help but say, “Also, it was raining the day before yesterday. You came back from the vegetable fields and tracked mud all over the place. You did not clean off your shoes outside before you entered the house. You ended up making a mess of the entire house. I have told you many times to promptly take off the clothes you wear after you finish gardening and I will wash them, yet, you stubbornly do not listen.” My mother replied, “I frequently go out to do gardening work. Even if I were more diligent with removing those clothes, they wouldn’t be much cleaner.” When I heard this reply, I basically had nothing left to say. I thought, “Why is it so hard for you to do such a trivial thing? It seems like the older you get, the more stubborn you get. I don’t think I can live with you.” I quickly went to my room in order to get away from her. My mother also wanted to keep her distance from me. She stopped talking to me as much. Now when I think back of how I lost my temper at my mother during the day, my conscience feels guilty. As a daughter, I shouldn’t have treated my mother this way. As a Christian, I feel very distressed that I did not treat her with tolerance and patience.

January 16, 2018 Tuesday Clear Skies

At 5 a.m. in the morning, I was fully awake and ready to get up for spiritual devotion. When I recalled the things that had just recently happened, I thought it’s best that I bring these things before God. I prayed, “O God! These days, there is a lot of friction between my mother and me. I feel like my mother is becoming more and more obstinate. There are some matters where it seems that no matter how I communicate with her, nothing gets through. No matter how I tell her about her bad habits, she does not change. When I see her acting this way, I cannot help but dislike and avoid her or get angry at her. This hurts her, and there is a distance between her and me. O God, I do not want to rely on my corrupt disposition to live. I want to live out the normal humanity that You demand. However, most of the time, I am only patient externally. I can be tolerant for a little while but for long stretches of time, when the situation infringes on my fleshly interests, I cannot help it. O God, please guide and lead me so that I can recognize and despise my own corruption and find a path of practice. Amen!”

After I finished praying, I saw a passage in a sermon that said: “Some people do not get on with anyone and always want to be the boss, control and command others in coordination, make people listen to them and put them at the center. What disposition is this? This is satanic disposition” (“Compulsory Conditions for Entering Onto the Right Track of Believing in God” in Sermons and Fellowship on Entry Into Life (V)). Suddenly, I became conscious of the fact that I was always wanting to change my mother’s habits and have her meet my demands. When my mother did not do what I asked her to do, I would start shouting at her. I was so arrogant and irrational. What I was revealing was a corrupt satanic disposition. When I thought back to that day when I scolded my mother, I remembered that she had a helpless expression. I could see that I was relying on my arrogant disposition to live and made my mother feel constrained, and at the same time, I was hurting her. My heart began to feel even more guilty.

Then, I read a passage of God’s words which said, “When you fellowship the truth and speak the words in your heart, and describe something clearly and understandably, so that it can edify and benefit others, make them understand God’s will, and help them escape misunderstandings and fallacies, is there any need to stand on high? Is there any need to use a lecturing tone? You don’t need to scold them, you don’t need to speak loudly, or shout at them, much less use words, or a tone, or an intonation that are blunt. You just need to learn to use a normal tone, commune from the position and status of an ordinary person, speak calmly, speak the words in your heart, endeavor to pour out what you understand, what other people need to understand, and speak clearly and understandably. When what you say is understandable, other people will understand, your burden will be released, they will cease to have misunderstandings, and you will see what you say more clearly; isn’t this edifying both of you? Is there any need to harangue them? In many cases, there is no need to force this upon them. So what should you do if they don’t accept? Some of what you say is the truth, and things really are as you say, but could people accept them as soon as you say them? What do they need in order to accept these words and to change? They need a process; you must give them a process by which to change. If you say, ‘I told you yesterday, why are you saying this again today? You don’t listen to or take in anything I say! You really are old, you’re useless.’ How about these words? What do you think about this kind of child? What do you think about doing this when you say that your parents have no sense? Could your parents approve? You require them to change by saying these words once—but how many times did you have to be told before you changed? You, too, didn’t change after being told once, nor were you able to understand and accept after being told once, so you must allow your parents a process of change. Tell them this: ‘It’s actually very simple. You don’t always think of yourselves as my parents, and I won’t think of myself as your child. The relationship between us will be that of ordinary brothers and sisters. If something’s up with you, tell me. Don’t suppress it or hide it. I won’t laugh at you. If you see something wrong with me, you can point it out to me. Tell me what you understand, so that I can put it into practice and not walk the wrong path.’ What’s it called when two people confer in this way? It’s called speaking heart-to-heart. And what is the purpose of speaking heart-to-heart? Is it to maintain a proper relationship between parents and children? Let Me tell you, narrowly speaking, the purpose of speaking heart-to-heart is for there to be normal human communication, having an exchange of minds. That’s narrowly speaking. Broadly speaking, it is for people to understand each other’s state, learn from each other, support each other, and help one another—that’s the effect. And thus, isn’t the relationship by which people interact with each other normal?” (“What Should One Possess, at the Very Least, to Have Normal Humanity” in Records of Christ’s Talks).

Thank God for His guidance. Through carefully pray-reading and contemplating this passage of God’s words, I finally understood where my problem came from: I have never treated my mother the way I treat my brothers and sisters. I always wanted her to listen to me. When we encountered a situation, I did not calmly communicate the truth with her. Instead, I relied on my satanic arrogant disposition and stood on high to say some harsh words to her. This caused my mother to no longer want to be near me or open her heart to me and communicate. This also led to our relationship becoming more and more distant. When we communicated God’s words and I heard her say something that was not suitable, I did not share the light that I had received with her. Instead, I persistently demanded that she talk about her own experiences, and I never sincerely listened to her talk about what she wanted to talk to me about. God has expressed so many words, yet He has never demanded that we practice them all immediately. Instead, He has given us many opportunities to change. Yet, I was unable to treat my mother in the same manner. I always said she couldn’t do this or that and turned my back on her. I always wanted her to listen to everything I said. I insisted that she change after I finished telling her to change. I can see that I did not have any normal humanity or rationality and that I did not know to show her any tolerance and understanding. I would be angry at her all day and nitpick her on every little thing. This was all the revealing of an arrogant and conceited disposition! At the same time, I came to understand: Communicating the truth requires me to let go of my pride and to place myself on the same level as my mother and speak some words from my heart. Likewise, I have to understand her heart and her thoughts. I also have to learn to understand her practical difficulties and to use the same love that I have for my brothers and sisters in order to help her. As I pondered over God’s words, I could feel that God’s love for man is so real: He provides me with the practical solutions for the real life problems that I am facing, and He helps me to learn how to conduct myself according to the truth and establish a normal relationship with my mother so that we can support and help each other in regard to entry into life and be after His heart. I thanked God for His guidance that I finally found some paths of practice. I decided to read God’s words with my mother and to apologize to her and have a heart-to-heart talk with her.

January 19, 2018 Friday Clear Skies

When I thought about my interactions with my mother during this time, I realized that because of my corrupt disposition, I had suffered quite a lot and also made her feel restrained in all respects. I felt it was time to resolve this situation. Today, I went up to my mother’s side and finally had the courage to tell her something straight from my heart, “Mother, these days I have not properly communicated God’s words with you. I have relied on my corrupt disposition to interact with you. I have not treated you as a sister. I have always treated you as my mother. I thought no matter what tone of voice I used to tell you things, you would not take it to heart, you would not become angry at me, you would not hold a grudge against me and you would not turn your back on me. I was not considerate of your feelings when speaking to you. I have hurt you. Only after I had read God’s words did I realize that I was lacking in humanity. I know I was wrong. From now on, I will not demand that you listen to me. I must forsake my flesh, put the truth into practice and live out a normal humanity. Let us treat each other as if we were sisters. When we encounter a situation, we should seek the truth and principles. We should point out each other’s problems and help each other …” The more I said, the more my heart felt guilt. I could see that I was really lacking the rationality of a normal humanity. My mother also said some things that were from her heart, “I’m also corrupt. I stubbornly maintained my own perspective and ways of doing things. Even if I knew what you said was correct, I would not do it. I thought that I had been like this almost my entire life. You always requested that I pay a little more attention to hygiene, yet I did not take it seriously. That was not correct. We are mother and daughter in terms of our flesh. But, in terms of our spirit, we are siblings. I should accept your suggestions when they are right.” When I heard my mother say these heartfelt things to me, I could feel that our relationship had gotten a little better. My heart felt peaceful and happy. I could not help but be grateful, “Thank You God! O God, it’s so wonderful to have Your guidance!”

January 26, 2018 Friday Cloudy

Today, when I came back home, I pushed open the door and saw vegetable baskets, vegetable scraps for feeding the chickens, etc. scattered everywhere on the floor. There was not even space to walk. I could not help but say to my mother, “You have made a complete mess here. It looks like a vendor’s stall. There isn’t even space for me to walk through. Do you find this comfortable? The room has only been clean for two days since I last tidied up. Why did you mess it up yet again?” After I finished complaining, I did not even wait for my mother to reply before I turned around and left. A little while later, after my temper had cooled down, I felt self-reproach. I felt that I should not have been so grouchy. I quickly knelt down and prayed to God, “O God! Today, I had another temper tantrum. When I saw that my mother had made a mess, I just couldn’t take it. Yet again, I revealed my arrogant and conceited satanic disposition. I did not help my mother with love. O God, I do not want to live by my satanic nature and get carried away with my temper. Please guide me so I can learn how to put the truth into practice and no longer do things as I please.”

After I finished praying, I read God’s words, “After being corrupted by Satan, man’s original sense, conscience, and humanity grew dull and were impaired by Satan. Thus, he has lost his obedience and love toward God. Man’s sense has become aberrant, his disposition has become the same as that of an animal, and his rebelliousness toward God is ever more frequent and grievous. Yet man still neither knows nor recognizes this, and merely blindly opposes and rebels” (“To Have an Unchanged Disposition Is to Be in Enmity to God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Having read this passage of God’s words, I felt pricked in my heart. I thought, “Due to Satan’s corruption, I have lost the conscience and sense of a normal humanity. I frequently cold-shouldered my mother. I was unable to live out true love. In whatever I did, I always wanted to control her so that she would conform to my preferences and habits. I had no understanding or tolerance toward her. What I was living out was completely a brash and arrogant corrupt disposition. We are so corrupt and disobedient, but God has not turned His back on us. His demands are not too high for us, and He all along does the work of saving man. I, on the other hand, have such unreasonable demands for my mother. I am truly irrational!”

Now that my reflections had reached this point, I began to think about which truths I needed to practice and what I should do to have a change in myself. In my seeking, I read a passage of God’s words, “People live for so many years, and are unhappy with eighty or ninety percent of what they encounter. You frown upon this and disapprove of that, but what do you dislike? Some of these things are actually your own problems, so you should not make a big deal out of them. When people get older, they realize that they are not noble, and that they are no better than others. Do not think that you are superior to other people, or more dignified and distinguished than they are; you must learn to adapt to your environment. To adapt to your environment, you must first realize something: There are all kinds of people out there, with all sorts of living habits. Living habits do not represent a person’s humanity. Just because your living habits are disciplined, normal, and dignified does not mean you possess the truth. You need to get this fact through your head, and gain a positive appreciation for it. Furthermore, God has arranged such a fantastic environment for you. You have too many personal issues; you must learn to adapt, and not pick at the bad habits of others. Moreover, you have to be able to get along with them based on love, and get close to them; you need to see their strengths, learn from their strengths, and then pray to God and overcome your own problems. This is the attitude and practice of submission. … We are common people; we are ordinary people. Do not think of yourself as being so noble or great. Even if you possess some special talents, skills, or strengths, they are nothing to brag about. You must first stand in the right position, the proper position. In this way, you will not make a mountain out of a molehill when you encounter problems or find yourself in various situations, and you will be able to submit. You must see clearly these things that surround you; if you are truly unable to submit, you find them too upsetting, and they are affecting your life, then pray and implore God to act. Allow God to make arrangements; allow God to do His work. We humans should not do it ourselves. If it’s God’s intention to hone us in such an environment, then we should submit, and we should allow ourselves to be honed until a result is achieved; we should allow ourselves to be honed until we are as humans should be and can show this to God and satisfy God. First, though, you must have this resolve to suffer. … When you do and handle things, or have some thoughts while encountering things, do not rely on your own intentions or your hot blood. Pray to God and come before Him. This, first of all, is a submissive attitude; it is the first psychological quality you should possess” (“The Five Conditions People Have Before They Enter the Right Track of Believing in God” in Records of Christ’s Talks). After I read this passage of God’s words, I realized: One’s living habits does not represent one’s humanity. This period of time when I am living together with my mother and need to have meetings with her, God’s will is for me to live by His words, absorb the good qualities of my mother, and not pick up her bad habits but learn to treat her fairly. If it were not for this environment, where would I learn about my own corrupt disposition and where would I obtain the truth? Now I know that God’s will is not for me to change or avoid this environment. Instead, He wants to use this environment to change my corrupt disposition. At this moment, I thought, “Even though my mother has some shortcomings in regard to the way she lives, and she does whatever she wants when she wants, and is lacking a little in terms of understanding God’s word, she is still someone who truly believes in God. When my mother previously did her hosting duty, regardless of how many brothers and sisters came to our house to eat, she would never be stingy or fed up. Afterward, since the environment of our house was not appropriate for hosting brothers and sisters, my mother had to go to other people’s houses to attend meetings. Regardless of how tired she was, or how hot or cold the weather was, she would always go. She would never miss a meeting. Even though she is so old, each day, she wakes up very early to read God’s words or listen to sermons or hymns. Whatever arrangements the church has, she would proactively participate in them and never shirk. She even practiced writing about her individual experiences and testimonies regardless of the depth of her understanding of the truth; she was not afraid that brothers and sisters would probably disapprove of her writing. …” After considering the situation in this manner, I discovered there were certain aspects in which I could learn from my mother. Moreover, during the times when I was feeling negative or weak, I remembered, my mother would try to help me out and encourage me to come before God more often, tell God about my difficulties, rely on God and look up to God. … I could see from this that my mother’s humanity is a lot better than mine. Even though I am better than her at certain external life habits and lifestyle, these areas are not representative of life nor are they representative of a change in my disposition. In fact, when it comes to the many other aspects, I am inferior to my mother.

I thanked God for His guidance. Now I understood: The reason that God has arranged for my mother and I to live with each other is to train me to live out a normal humanity so that my mother and I can use each other’s strengths to make up for our own weaknesses, and thus I can throw off my corrupt disposition and attain God’s salvation sooner. After my condition completely reversed, I suddenly discovered that my mother was quite lovable and a lot easier to live with, and that there were many things that I could learn from her. I am determined to pursue the truth more diligently and put God’s words into practice in regard to my practical life with my family members. I thank God for leading and guiding me with His words so that the gap that used to exist between my mother and me has gradually been mended.

All the glory be to Almighty God!

[focusontheeasternlightning-blog]

A Christian’s Diary: The Misunderstanding Between My Mother and Me Has Finally Been Resolved

                                                     Su Ping

                                  January 8, 2018 Monday Cloudy

Recently, my mother’s health has not been good. It is not very convenient for her to leave the house. Our church leader was afraid that this would interfere with her attending meetings. As a result, he asked me to have meetings with my mother at home. Even though I did not say anything when I heard him say this, inside, I was not very happy. In a flash, the unhappy incidences between my mother and me that occurred in the past appeared in my mind like scenes from a movie.

My mother is old now and her memory is poor. She is often forgetful when she does things. Sometimes, she forgets what I told her to do and thus, I have to repeatedly remind her. I am a very neat and tidy person, yet, I do have quite a temper. My mother is a relatively sloppy and messy person. After she finishes eating, she frequently forgets to clear the crumbs of food from the table and the floor. I find this particularly hard to bear. Since I disapprove of my mother’s habits, I frequently get peeved off and am involved in a cold war with her, and at times I even lose my temper at her, but she never changes.

Each time we eat, my mother nags a lot.Each time we eat, my mother nags a lot. If this goes on for a long time, I get a bit impatient. Sometimes, just as I am about to start eating, my mother begins to nag. When this occurs, I cannot help but become agitated. I try to repress my temper but the result is that I end up saying something quite cold: “Eat your food. Don’t talk so much.” After many of these exchanges, I started to believe that no matter how much I say, my mother will not change. In my heart, I firmly believe that my mother is someone that is just hard to get through to. Previously, I was secretly very happy that I did not need to have meetings with my mother because I no longer needed to listen to her talk endlessly. I never would have thought that this situation would change today. This was something that I really did not want to face, and it’s really hard to obey. However, I then thought, “My mother is sick and she is unable to go out by herself to attend meetings. I cannot just leave her behind and not take care of her. I have to have meetings with her.”

After we finished eating lunch, we said a prayer and then we started our meeting. After finishing reading God’s words, my mother only talked about some shallow understanding of these words. She did not talk about any knowledge of them in light of her practical experiences. I reminded her, “When we communicate God’s words, we should relate them to some of the things that we experience in our own lives, and we need to reflect on our own corrupt dispositions that we have revealed, and understand God’s intentions and God’s demands for us.” Upon hearing this, my mother started speaking endlessly. She rambled for a long time but wouldn’t speak to the point. I couldn’t stand it when she talked about all these unimportant things. All I could do was interrupt her, “Mother, you have believed in God for many years. Yet, you do not even know how to grasp the key points when communicating about God’s words. I think you do not understand anything. How can you be so silly?” My mother was so embarrassed by my attitude that she had nothing to say. The more my mother remained silent, the more I became angry. In a fit of rage, I said, “Look, all I did was point out your mistakes and you do not give me a reply at all. How are we to continue our meeting? From now on, you can do this yourself!” As a result, we parted on bad terms. Thinking of my mother’s helpless expression at that time, from the depths of my heart I now feel embarrassment. It is particularly painful. My mother is old and her caliber is poor. My demands for her should not be so high!

                                   January 15, 2018 Monday Cloudy

As a Christian, I feel very distressed that I did not treat her with tolerance and patience. Each time my mother finishes eating, the crumbs of food from her bowl end up all over the floor. After we walk back and forth and step on them a few times, the floor becomes dirty. Today, I finally came up with a solution to this: From now on, we will eat in the kitchen. That way, it would be very difficult for her to make the floor dirty. I moved a small table to the kitchen before our next meal. The result, though, was that, when it came time for the meal, my mother simply brought her food into the living room. When I saw this, I felt very helpless and I also felt angry. However, when I thought about how I was a Christian and how I was not living out even a very basic level of tolerance and patience, I felt ashamed. As a result, I reigned in my temper and gave my mother a reminder, “Mother, can you stop dropping the crumbs of food onto the table and floor?” It seemed like my mother did not detect the anger that I was trying to suppress when I gave her that reminder. She replied casually, “If it’s dirty, just clean it a bit and it should be fine.” When I saw how obstinate my mother was, I blurted out, “Mother, I have told you many times already. You never listen to my suggestions!” At this point, I suddenly thought of another matter over the past few days and I could not help but say, “Also, it was raining the day before yesterday. You came back from the vegetable fields and tracked mud all over the place. You did not clean off your shoes outside before you entered the house. You ended up making a mess of the entire house. I have told you many times to promptly take off the clothes you wear after you finish gardening and I will wash them, yet, you stubbornly do not listen.” My mother replied, “I frequently go out to do gardening work. Even if I were more diligent with removing those clothes, they wouldn’t be much cleaner.” When I heard this reply, I basically had nothing left to say. I thought, “Why is it so hard for you to do such a trivial thing? It seems like the older you get, the more stubborn you get. I don’t think I can live with you.” I quickly went to my room in order to get away from her. My mother also wanted to keep her distance from me. She stopped talking to me as much. Now when I think back of how I lost my temper at my mother during the day, my conscience feels guilty. As a daughter, I shouldn’t have treated my mother this way. As a Christian, I feel very distressed that I did not treat her with tolerance and patience.

                          January 16, 2018 Tuesday Clear Skies

At 5 a.m. in the morning, I was fully awake and ready to get up for spiritual devotion. When I recalled the things that had just recently happened, I thought it’s best that I bring these things before God. I prayed, “O God! These days, there is a lot of friction between my mother and me. I feel like my mother is becoming more and more obstinate. There are some matters where it seems that no matter how I communicate with her, nothing gets through. No matter how I tell her about her bad habits, she does not change. When I see her acting this way, I cannot help but dislike and avoid her or get angry at her. This hurts her, and there is a distance between her and me. O God, I do not want to rely on my corrupt disposition to live. I want to live out the normal humanity that You demand. However, most of the time, I am only patient externally. I can be tolerant for a little while but for long stretches of time, when the situation infringes on my fleshly interests, I cannot help it. O God, please guide and lead me so that I can recognize and despise my own corruption and find a path of practice. Amen!”

After I finished praying, I saw a passage in a sermon that said: “Some people do not get on with anyone and always want to be the boss, control and command others in coordination, make people listen to them and put them at the center. What disposition is this? This is satanic disposition” (“Compulsory Conditions for Entering Onto the Right Track of Believing in God” in Sermons and Fellowship on Entry Into Life (V)). Suddenly, I became conscious of the fact that I was always wanting to change my mother’s habits and have her meet my demands. When my mother did not do what I asked her to do, I would start shouting at her. I was so arrogant and irrational. What I was revealing was a corrupt satanic disposition. When I thought back to that day when I scolded my mother, I remembered that she had a helpless expression. I could see that I was relying on my arrogant disposition to live and made my mother feel constrained, and at the same time, I was hurting her. My heart began to feel even more guilty.

After I finished praying, I saw a passage in a sermonThen, I read a passage of God’s words which said, “When you fellowship the truth and speak the words in your heart, and describe something clearly and understandably, so that it can edify and benefit others, make them understand God’s will, and help them escape misunderstandings and fallacies, is there any need to stand on high? Is there any need to use a lecturing tone? You don’t need to scold them, you don’t need to speak loudly, or shout at them, much less use words, or a tone, or an intonation that are blunt. You just need to learn to use a normal tone, commune from the position and status of an ordinary person, speak calmly, speak the words in your heart, endeavor to pour out what you understand, what other people need to understand, and speak clearly and understandably. When what you say is understandable, other people will understand, your burden will be released, they will cease to have misunderstandings, and you will see what you say more clearly; isn’t this edifying both of you? Is there any need to harangue them? In many cases, there is no need to force this upon them. So what should you do if they don’t accept? Some of what you say is the truth, and things really are as you say, but could people accept them as soon as you say them? What do they need in order to accept these words and to change? They need a process; you must give them a process by which to change. If you say, ‘I told you yesterday, why are you saying this again today? You don’t listen to or take in anything I say! You really are old, you’re useless.’ How about these words? What do you think about this kind of child? What do you think about doing this when you say that your parents have no sense? Could your parents approve? You require them to change by saying these words once—but how many times did you have to be told before you changed? You, too, didn’t change after being told once, nor were you able to understand and accept after being told once, so you must allow your parents a process of change. Tell them this: ‘It’s actually very simple. You don’t always think of yourselves as my parents, and I won’t think of myself as your child. The relationship between us will be that of ordinary brothers and sisters. If something’s up with you, tell me. Don’t suppress it or hide it. I won’t laugh at you. If you see something wrong with me, you can point it out to me. Tell me what you understand, so that I can put it into practice and not walk the wrong path.’ What’s it called when two people confer in this way? It’s called speaking heart-to-heart. And what is the purpose of speaking heart-to-heart? Is it to maintain a proper relationship between parents and children? Let Me tell you, narrowly speaking, the purpose of speaking heart-to-heart is for there to be normal human communication, having an exchange of minds. That’s narrowly speaking. Broadly speaking, it is for people to understand each other’s state, learn from each other, support each other, and help one another—that’s the effect. And thus, isn’t the relationship by which people interact with each other normal?” (“What Should One Possess, at the Very Least, to Have Normal Humanity” in Records of Christ’s Talks).

Thank God for His guidance. Through carefully pray-reading and contemplating this passage of God’s words, I finally understood where my problem came from: I have never treated my mother the way I treat my brothers and sisters. I always wanted her to listen to me. When we encountered a situation, I did not calmly communicate the truth with her. Instead, I relied on my satanic arrogant disposition and stood on high to say some harsh words to her. This caused my mother to no longer want to be near me or open her heart to me and communicate. This also led to our relationship becoming more and more distant. When we communicated God’s words and I heard her say something that was not suitable, I did not share the light that I had received with her. Instead, I persistently demanded that she talk about her own experiences, and I never sincerely listened to her talk about what she wanted to talk to me about. God has expressed so many words, yet He has never demanded that we practice them all immediately. Instead, He has given us many opportunities to change. Yet, I was unable to treat my mother in the same manner. I always said she couldn’t do this or that and turned my back on her. I always wanted her to listen to everything I said. I insisted that she change after I finished telling her to change. I can see that I did not have any normal humanity or rationality and that I did not know to show her any tolerance and understanding. I would be angry at her all day and nitpick her on every little thing. This was all the revealing of an arrogant and conceited disposition! At the same time, I came to understand: Communicating the truth requires me to let go of my pride and to place myself on the same level as my mother and speak some words from my heart. Likewise, I have to understand her heart and her thoughts. I also have to learn to understand her practical difficulties and to use the same love that I have for my brothers and sisters in order to help her. As I pondered over God’s words, I could feel that God’s love for man is so real: He provides me with the practical solutions for the real life problems that I am facing, and He helps me to learn how to conduct myself according to the truth and establish a normal relationship with my mother so that we can support and help each other in regard to entry into life and be after His heart. I thanked God for His guidance that I finally found some paths of practice. I decided to read God’s words with my mother and to apologize to her and have a heart-to-heart talk with her.

from：The Church of Almighty God article

[almightygodismydependence-blog]

A Christian’s Diary: The Misunderstanding Between My Mother and Me Has Finally Been Resolved

Su Ping

January 8, 2018 Monday Cloudy

Recently, my mother’s health has not been good. It is not very convenient for her to leave the house. Our church leader was afraid that this would interfere with her attending meetings. As a result, he asked me to have meetings with my mother at home. Even though I did not say anything when I heard him say this, inside, I was not very happy. In a flash, the unhappy incidences between my mother and me that occurred in the past appeared in my mind like scenes from a movie.

My mother is old now and her memory is poor. She is often forgetful when she does things. Sometimes, she forgets what I told her to do and thus, I have to repeatedly remind her. I am a very neat and tidy person, yet, I do have quite a temper. My mother is a relatively sloppy and messy person. After she finishes eating, she frequently forgets to clear the crumbs of food from the table and the floor. I find this particularly hard to bear. Since I disapprove of my mother’s habits, I frequently get peeved off and am involved in a cold war with her, and at times I even lose my temper at her, but she never changes.

Each time we eat, my mother nags a lot. If this goes on for a long time, I get a bit impatient. Sometimes, just as I am about to start eating, my mother begins to nag. When this occurs, I cannot help but become agitated. I try to repress my temper but the result is that I end up saying something quite cold: “Eat your food. Don’t talk so much.” After many of these exchanges, I started to believe that no matter how much I say, my mother will not change. In my heart, I firmly believe that my mother is someone that is just hard to get through to. Previously, I was secretly very happy that I did not need to have meetings with my mother because I no longer needed to listen to her talk endlessly. I never would have thought that this situation would change today. This was something that I really did not want to face, and it’s really hard to obey. However, I then thought, “My mother is sick and she is unable to go out by herself to attend meetings. I cannot just leave her behind and not take care of her. I have to have meetings with her.”

After we finished eating lunch, we said a prayer and then we started our meeting. After finishing reading God’s words, my mother only talked about some shallow understanding of these words. She did not talk about any knowledge of them in light of her practical experiences. I reminded her, “When we communicate God’s words, we should relate them to some of the things that we experience in our own lives, and we need to reflect on our own corrupt dispositions that we have revealed, and understand God’s intentions and God’s demands for us.” Upon hearing this, my mother started speaking endlessly. She rambled for a long time but wouldn’t speak to the point. I couldn’t stand it when she talked about all these unimportant things. All I could do was interrupt her, “Mother, you have believed in God for many years. Yet, you do not even know how to grasp the key points when communicating about God’s words. I think you do not understand anything. How can you be so silly?” My mother was so embarrassed by my attitude that she had nothing to say. The more my mother remained silent, the more I became angry. In a fit of rage, I said, “Look, all I did was point out your mistakes and you do not give me a reply at all. How are we to continue our meeting? From now on, you can do this yourself!” As a result, we parted on bad terms. Thinking of my mother’s helpless expression at that time, from the depths of my heart I now feel embarrassment. It is particularly painful. My mother is old and her caliber is poor. My demands for her should not be so high!

January 15, 2018 Monday Cloudy

Each time my mother finishes eating, the crumbs of food from her bowl end up all over the floor. After we walk back and forth and step on them a few times, the floor becomes dirty. Today, I finally came up with a solution to this: From now on, we will eat in the kitchen. That way, it would be very difficult for her to make the floor dirty. I moved a small table to the kitchen before our next meal. The result, though, was that, when it came time for the meal, my mother simply brought her food into the living room. When I saw this, I felt very helpless and I also felt angry. However, when I thought about how I was a Christian and how I was not living out even a very basic level of tolerance and patience, I felt ashamed. As a result, I reigned in my temper and gave my mother a reminder, “Mother, can you stop dropping the crumbs of food onto the table and floor?” It seemed like my mother did not detect the anger that I was trying to suppress when I gave her that reminder. She replied casually, “If it’s dirty, just clean it a bit and it should be fine.” When I saw how obstinate my mother was, I blurted out, “Mother, I have told you many times already. You never listen to my suggestions!” At this point, I suddenly thought of another matter over the past few days and I could not help but say, “Also, it was raining the day before yesterday. You came back from the vegetable fields and tracked mud all over the place. You did not clean off your shoes outside before you entered the house. You ended up making a mess of the entire house. I have told you many times to promptly take off the clothes you wear after you finish gardening and I will wash them, yet, you stubbornly do not listen.” My mother replied, “I frequently go out to do gardening work. Even if I were more diligent with removing those clothes, they wouldn’t be much cleaner.” When I heard this reply, I basically had nothing left to say. I thought, “Why is it so hard for you to do such a trivial thing? It seems like the older you get, the more stubborn you get. I don’t think I can live with you.” I quickly went to my room in order to get away from her. My mother also wanted to keep her distance from me. She stopped talking to me as much. Now when I think back of how I lost my temper at my mother during the day, my conscience feels guilty. As a daughter, I shouldn’t have treated my mother this way. As a Christian, I feel very distressed that I did not treat her with tolerance and patience.

January 16, 2018 Tuesday Clear Skies

At 5 a.m. in the morning, I was fully awake and ready to get up for spiritual devotion. When I recalled the things that had just recently happened, I thought it’s best that I bring these things before God. I prayed, “O God! These days, there is a lot of friction between my mother and me. I feel like my mother is becoming more and more obstinate. There are some matters where it seems that no matter how I communicate with her, nothing gets through. No matter how I tell her about her bad habits, she does not change. When I see her acting this way, I cannot help but dislike and avoid her or get angry at her. This hurts her, and there is a distance between her and me. O God, I do not want to rely on my corrupt disposition to live. I want to live out the normal humanity that You demand. However, most of the time, I am only patient externally. I can be tolerant for a little while but for long stretches of time, when the situation infringes on my fleshly interests, I cannot help it. O God, please guide and lead me so that I can recognize and despise my own corruption and find a path of practice. Amen!”

After I finished praying, I saw a passage in a sermon that said: “Some people do not get on with anyone and always want to be the boss, control and command others in coordination, make people listen to them and put them at the center. What disposition is this? This is satanic disposition” (“Compulsory Conditions for Entering Onto the Right Track of Believing in God” in Sermons and Fellowship on Entry Into Life (V)). Suddenly, I became conscious of the fact that I was always wanting to change my mother’s habits and have her meet my demands. When my mother did not do what I asked her to do, I would start shouting at her. I was so arrogant and irrational. What I was revealing was a corrupt satanic disposition. When I thought back to that day when I scolded my mother, I remembered that she had a helpless expression. I could see that I was relying on my arrogant disposition to live and made my mother feel constrained, and at the same time, I was hurting her. My heart began to feel even more guilty.

Then, I read a passage of God’s words which said, “When you fellowship the truth and speak the words in your heart, and describe something clearly and understandably, so that it can edify and benefit others, make them understand God’s will, and help them escape misunderstandings and fallacies, is there any need to stand on high? Is there any need to use a lecturing tone? You don’t need to scold them, you don’t need to speak loudly, or shout at them, much less use words, or a tone, or an intonation that are blunt. You just need to learn to use a normal tone, commune from the position and status of an ordinary person, speak calmly, speak the words in your heart, endeavor to pour out what you understand, what other people need to understand, and speak clearly and understandably. When what you say is understandable, other people will understand, your burden will be released, they will cease to have misunderstandings, and you will see what you say more clearly; isn’t this edifying both of you? Is there any need to harangue them? In many cases, there is no need to force this upon them. So what should you do if they don’t accept? Some of what you say is the truth, and things really are as you say, but could people accept them as soon as you say them? What do they need in order to accept these words and to change? They need a process; you must give them a process by which to change. If you say, ‘I told you yesterday, why are you saying this again today? You don’t listen to or take in anything I say! You really are old, you’re useless.’ How about these words? What do you think about this kind of child? What do you think about doing this when you say that your parents have no sense? Could your parents approve? You require them to change by saying these words once—but how many times did you have to be told before you changed? You, too, didn’t change after being told once, nor were you able to understand and accept after being told once, so you must allow your parents a process of change. Tell them this: ‘It’s actually very simple. You don’t always think of yourselves as my parents, and I won’t think of myself as your child. The relationship between us will be that of ordinary brothers and sisters. If something’s up with you, tell me. Don’t suppress it or hide it. I won’t laugh at you. If you see something wrong with me, you can point it out to me. Tell me what you understand, so that I can put it into practice and not walk the wrong path.’ What’s it called when two people confer in this way? It’s called speaking heart-to-heart. And what is the purpose of speaking heart-to-heart? Is it to maintain a proper relationship between parents and children? Let Me tell you, narrowly speaking, the purpose of speaking heart-to-heart is for there to be normal human communication, having an exchange of minds. That’s narrowly speaking. Broadly speaking, it is for people to understand each other’s state, learn from each other, support each other, and help one another—that’s the effect. And thus, isn’t the relationship by which people interact with each other normal?” (“What Should One Possess, at the Very Least, to Have Normal Humanity” in Records of Christ’s Talks).

Thank God for His guidance. Through carefully pray-reading and contemplating this passage of God’s words, I finally understood where my problem came from: I have never treated my mother the way I treat my brothers and sisters. I always wanted her to listen to me. When we encountered a situation, I did not calmly communicate the truth with her. Instead, I relied on my satanic arrogant disposition and stood on high to say some harsh words to her. This caused my mother to no longer want to be near me or open her heart to me and communicate. This also led to our relationship becoming more and more distant. When we communicated God’s words and I heard her say something that was not suitable, I did not share the light that I had received with her. Instead, I persistently demanded that she talk about her own experiences, and I never sincerely listened to her talk about what she wanted to talk to me about. God has expressed so many words, yet He has never demanded that we practice them all immediately. Instead, He has given us many opportunities to change. Yet, I was unable to treat my mother in the same manner. I always said she couldn’t do this or that and turned my back on her. I always wanted her to listen to everything I said. I insisted that she change after I finished telling her to change. I can see that I did not have any normal humanity or rationality and that I did not know to show her any tolerance and understanding. I would be angry at her all day and nitpick her on every little thing. This was all the revealing of an arrogant and conceited disposition! At the same time, I came to understand: Communicating the truth requires me to let go of my pride and to place myself on the same level as my mother and speak some words from my heart. Likewise, I have to understand her heart and her thoughts. I also have to learn to understand her practical difficulties and to use the same love that I have for my brothers and sisters in order to help her. As I pondered over God’s words, I could feel that God’s love for man is so real: He provides me with the practical solutions for the real life problems that I am facing, and He helps me to learn how to conduct myself according to the truth and establish a normal relationship with my mother so that we can support and help each other in regard to entry into life and be after His heart. I thanked God for His guidance that I finally found some paths of practice. I decided to read God’s words with my mother and to apologize to her and have a heart-to-heart talk with her.

January 19, 2018 Friday Clear Skies

When I thought about my interactions with my mother during this time, I realized that because of my corrupt disposition, I had suffered quite a lot and also made her feel restrained in all respects. I felt it was time to resolve this situation. Today, I went up to my mother’s side and finally had the courage to tell her something straight from my heart, “Mother, these days I have not properly communicated God’s words with you. I have relied on my corrupt disposition to interact with you. I have not treated you as a sister. I have always treated you as my mother. I thought no matter what tone of voice I used to tell you things, you would not take it to heart, you would not become angry at me, you would not hold a grudge against me and you would not turn your back on me. I was not considerate of your feelings when speaking to you. I have hurt you. Only after I had read God’s words did I realize that I was lacking in humanity. I know I was wrong. From now on, I will not demand that you listen to me. I must forsake my flesh, put the truth into practice and live out a normal humanity. Let us treat each other as if we were sisters. When we encounter a situation, we should seek the truth and principles. We should point out each other’s problems and help each other …” The more I said, the more my heart felt guilt. I could see that I was really lacking the rationality of a normal humanity. My mother also said some things that were from her heart, “I’m also corrupt. I stubbornly maintained my own perspective and ways of doing things. Even if I knew what you said was correct, I would not do it. I thought that I had been like this almost my entire life. You always requested that I pay a little more attention to hygiene, yet I did not take it seriously. That was not correct. We are mother and daughter in terms of our flesh. But, in terms of our spirit, we are siblings. I should accept your suggestions when they are right.” When I heard my mother say these heartfelt things to me, I could feel that our relationship had gotten a little better. My heart felt peaceful and happy. I could not help but be grateful, “Thank You God! O God, it’s so wonderful to have Your guidance!”

January 26, 2018 Friday Cloudy

Today, when I came back home, I pushed open the door and saw vegetable baskets, vegetable scraps for feeding the chickens, etc. scattered everywhere on the floor. There was not even space to walk. I could not help but say to my mother, “You have made a complete mess here. It looks like a vendor’s stall. There isn’t even space for me to walk through. Do you find this comfortable? The room has only been clean for two days since I last tidied up. Why did you mess it up yet again?” After I finished complaining, I did not even wait for my mother to reply before I turned around and left. A little while later, after my temper had cooled down, I felt self-reproach. I felt that I should not have been so grouchy. I quickly knelt down and prayed to God, “O God! Today, I had another temper tantrum. When I saw that my mother had made a mess, I just couldn’t take it. Yet again, I revealed my arrogant and conceited satanic disposition. I did not help my mother with love. O God, I do not want to live by my satanic nature and get carried away with my temper. Please guide me so I can learn how to put the truth into practice and no longer do things as I please.”

After I finished praying, I read God’s words, “After being corrupted by Satan, man’s original sense, conscience, and humanity grew dull and were impaired by Satan. Thus, he has lost his obedience and love toward God. Man’s sense has become aberrant, his disposition has become the same as that of an animal, and his rebelliousness toward God is ever more frequent and grievous. Yet man still neither knows nor recognizes this, and merely blindly opposes and rebels” (“To Have an Unchanged Disposition Is to Be in Enmity to God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Having read this passage of God’s words, I felt pricked in my heart. I thought, “Due to Satan’s corruption, I have lost the conscience and sense of a normal humanity. I frequently cold-shouldered my mother. I was unable to live out true love. In whatever I did, I always wanted to control her so that she would conform to my preferences and habits. I had no understanding or tolerance toward her. What I was living out was completely a brash and arrogant corrupt disposition. We are so corrupt and disobedient, but God has not turned His back on us. His demands are not too high for us, and He all along does the work of saving man. I, on the other hand, have such unreasonable demands for my mother. I am truly irrational!”

Now that my reflections had reached this point, I began to think about which truths I needed to practice and what I should do to have a change in myself. In my seeking, I read a passage of God’s words, “People live for so many years, and are unhappy with eighty or ninety percent of what they encounter. You frown upon this and disapprove of that, but what do you dislike? Some of these things are actually your own problems, so you should not make a big deal out of them. When people get older, they realize that they are not noble, and that they are no better than others. Do not think that you are superior to other people, or more dignified and distinguished than they are; you must learn to adapt to your environment. To adapt to your environment, you must first realize something: There are all kinds of people out there, with all sorts of living habits. Living habits do not represent a person’s humanity. Just because your living habits are disciplined, normal, and dignified does not mean you possess the truth. You need to get this fact through your head, and gain a positive appreciation for it. Furthermore, God has arranged such a fantastic environment for you. You have too many personal issues; you must learn to adapt, and not pick at the bad habits of others. Moreover, you have to be able to get along with them based on love, and get close to them; you need to see their strengths, learn from their strengths, and then pray to God and overcome your own problems. This is the attitude and practice of submission. … We are common people; we are ordinary people. Do not think of yourself as being so noble or great. Even if you possess some special talents, skills, or strengths, they are nothing to brag about. You must first stand in the right position, the proper position. In this way, you will not make a mountain out of a molehill when you encounter problems or find yourself in various situations, and you will be able to submit. You must see clearly these things that surround you; if you are truly unable to submit, you find them too upsetting, and they are affecting your life, then pray and implore God to act. Allow God to make arrangements; allow God to do His work. We humans should not do it ourselves. If it’s God’s intention to hone us in such an environment, then we should submit, and we should allow ourselves to be honed until a result is achieved; we should allow ourselves to be honed until we are as humans should be and can show this to God and satisfy God. First, though, you must have this resolve to suffer. … When you do and handle things, or have some thoughts while encountering things, do not rely on your own intentions or your hot blood. Pray to God and come before Him. This, first of all, is a submissive attitude; it is the first psychological quality you should possess” (“The Five Conditions People Have Before They Enter the Right Track of Believing in God” in Records of Christ’s Talks). After I read this passage of God’s words, I realized: One’s living habits does not represent one’s humanity. This period of time when I am living together with my mother and need to have meetings with her, God’s will is for me to live by His words, absorb the good qualities of my mother, and not pick up her bad habits but learn to treat her fairly. If it were not for this environment, where would I learn about my own corrupt disposition and where would I obtain the truth? Now I know that God’s will is not for me to change or avoid this environment. Instead, He wants to use this environment to change my corrupt disposition. At this moment, I thought, “Even though my mother has some shortcomings in regard to the way she lives, and she does whatever she wants when she wants, and is lacking a little in terms of understanding God’s word, she is still someone who truly believes in God. When my mother previously did her hosting duty, regardless of how many brothers and sisters came to our house to eat, she would never be stingy or fed up. Afterward, since the environment of our house was not appropriate for hosting brothers and sisters, my mother had to go to other people’s houses to attend meetings. Regardless of how tired she was, or how hot or cold the weather was, she would always go. She would never miss a meeting. Even though she is so old, each day, she wakes up very early to read God’s words or listen to sermons or hymns. Whatever arrangements the church has, she would proactively participate in them and never shirk. She even practiced writing about her individual experiences and testimonies regardless of the depth of her understanding of the truth; she was not afraid that brothers and sisters would probably disapprove of her writing. …” After considering the situation in this manner, I discovered there were certain aspects in which I could learn from my mother. Moreover, during the times when I was feeling negative or weak, I remembered, my mother would try to help me out and encourage me to come before God more often, tell God about my difficulties, rely on God and look up to God. … I could see from this that my mother’s humanity is a lot better than mine. Even though I am better than her at certain external life habits and lifestyle, these areas are not representative of life nor are they representative of a change in my disposition. In fact, when it comes to the many other aspects, I am inferior to my mother.

I thanked God for His guidance. Now I understood: The reason that God has arranged for my mother and I to live with each other is to train me to live out a normal humanity so that my mother and I can use each other’s strengths to make up for our own weaknesses, and thus I can throw off my corrupt disposition and attain God’s salvation sooner. After my condition completely reversed, I suddenly discovered that my mother was quite lovable and a lot easier to live with, and that there were many things that I could learn from her. I am determined to pursue the truth more diligently and put God’s words into practice in regard to my practical life with my family members. I thank God for leading and guiding me with His words so that the gap that used to exist between my mother and me has gradually been mended.

All the glory be to Almighty God!