#sorry I JUST saw the breakup scene for the first time today and I haven't stopped thinking about it it's making me ill with sadness

[hamartia-grander]

Wyll breaking up with the player character if Ulder dies so Wyll must become the Duke makes me wanna throw up sobbing because he actually thinks that just because his father's first duty being to Baldur's Gate made him a Bad Father that Wyll himself will inevitably be a Bad Lover because surely no one could match love with duty if his father couldn't, unknowing he has more love in one hand than his father had in his entire body. fuck

[xelinezeddiorsstuff]

Ch 2: New beginnings...?

"Nice to meet you."

It's been 5 hours now, my eyes are puffy as hell. I've been crying for two hours, at first I yelled at shit then I watched a show which turned out to be a bad idea since now I'm crying because of a breakup scene. The Ice cream is finished and thrown away now, the wine I haven't opened just yet. I stopped for a minute, I didn't completely stop since I was still sniffling and tears were still falling.

I stood up and finally grabbed the box that Mark had given me. It was small, I was hoping that it wasn't jewelry because knowing my Serena nature I would not be able to control my urge to value it like treasure when it came from the hands of a man whose feelings were about his future and not mine. I open the box only to see that it had inside that said "I'm sorry." I immediately crumpled it and threw it in my trash can. There was confetti but I froze when I finally revealed that the gift was the bracelet I made for him when we started dating.

I started sobbing again since the meaning of that was when I made him that bracelet and gave it to him, he would only give it back to me when he finds someone much better. Young me believed him when he said that I will never be replaced but now I cry thinking that the promise that he promised 16 year old me was now broken. I spent so much time on that bracelet but now I wanted to destroy every way you can but my Serena nature kicked in, I just held it tightly clutching near my chest since that meant so much to me. I pull out the one you had when you taught him how to make said bracelet and put them both on the table sobbing while looking at the both of them. 

------- 

I stopped crying after a while, my eyes hurt so much. Even with my eyes hurting I decided to be stupid and open my phone. Bad idea because I forgot to unfollow and I saw his latest tweet. Shit. 

I can't fucking believe it. The famous supermodel Ysa? He was dating her and got her knocked up. I thought he knew how to have safe sex especially when we talked about it when it came to my boundaries for that topic since we were still preparing for it. But now I know that he's been sleeping with someone, that someone being the person I found an inspiration for my clothes and style with. I was so frustrated, I didn't know what to do, even being a psychology major you still have instances of not knowing what to do in different scenarios like this. I knew it ever since they both were in the same commercial, I had a strong gut feeling but I guess Ysa’s gut is feeling something now huh. 

In the heat of it all, I was impulsive. I took the bottle of wine and took a huge gulp from it. Another, another, and another gulp. Then I called my boss, and told him that I was quitting my job and started to rant to him about what happened that day. The next thing I remember was that I was on the goddamn floor with the wine from last night. 

I remember waking up in a wavy room? Shit it’s the hangover, I tried standing up despite my arms and legs feeling loopy. My head was spinning and my mind was just waking holy shit. Once my brain was semi awake, someone was banging at my door. 

"Isla! Tanghaling tapat na! Di ka pa nagigising?!" (Isla! It's Twelve noon already! Aren't you going to wake up?!") My auntie yelled as today was one of her free days. "Gising na po!" (Awake already!) I yelled groggily, everything is still spinning, the pain in my head just got worse, and worst of all I feel like I'm about to hurl everywhere.

*Slam*  My door barges open, my auntie goes towards me and looks at me up and down and gives me a disappointed look. "Jusko Lord Isla. Di ka naawa sa sarili mo ha? Nagtretrending ang boyfriend si Mark sa TV na ipapakasal na siya. Kabet ka lang pala?" (For christ sake Isla, Don't you feel sorry for yourself? Your boyfriends have been trending on TV with news of him getting married. Are you a side chick now?) My auntie questions so invasively while I am still trying to control my hangover. I wished she didn't have to know but Mark was dating a famous model. I took a deep breath in and just shook my head. I didn't want to answer her now because my priority was to get out of my hangover and start my day officially. 

"Ano? Di ka sasagot?" (What? Are you not going to answer?) My aunt asked, crossing her arms. I took a deep but shaky breath "Siya ang nanloko, hindi ako kabit. Nabuntis niya yung babae na yan." (He's the one who cheated, I never became a side chick of his. He got the model pregnant.) I said groggily and angrily and stood up to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. 

"Yan kasi, lagi ka nalang nandito eh. Yan tuloy na loko ka. Sayang pa naman ang pogi ba rin naman ni Mark '' (That's because, you're always here stuck at home. And now there you go you got cheated on. Such a waste as well, Mark was very good looking.) I put the toothbrush down and put it down on my sink and turned to look my auntie in the eye. I was mad, not only did she just invalidate how I got cheated on but she was taking HIS side on that just because of my job in which she forced me to take inside of the house only. That’s it I’m not taking anymore of this, I’m gonna push this a quarter towards speaking about this situation and most of it 

 "I got cheated on because it was his choice. He had no right to cheat on me when he has always told and promised me that he will be patient towards me and my career matters no matter what. and maybe you may have forgotten but I'm a cumlaude of B.S Psychology I study these types of issues within a human mind. If he was that easily tempted by some girl who struts on a catwalk wearing pieces of clothing that are considered by the privileged as art then he was not the one for me at all. And second of all, don't use my job as the reason because you were the person who forced me to work from home. You know what? I'm not gonna work from home anymore since I'm going to be taking that job that Kuya showed me." I yelled each and every single one. I know that my actions weren't controlled during that time but I couldn't think straight as well since I was really in a bad hangover and she was getting on my nerves. 

Next thing I know after I said that Slap! My aunt slapped me in the face. I held on to the cheek that she slapped as soon as it was done, tears were forming, and I was scared.

"Abah sumasagot ka na. Sino ba nag sabi saiyo na papayagan ka mag work ka outside of the house ha? Akala mo maka survive ka na wala ako? Ha! Tignan mo lang Isla." (Wow you're talking back now. Who told you that you could work outside of the house? You think you can survive without me? Ha! You'll see, Isla.) My auntie yelled before going away and slamming the door. 

"Tangina naman, ang ganda ng buhay sobra."(For fucks sake, life is beautiful really beautiful.) I sarcastically yelled. 

'Oh I'll show you, I'll show all of you'  I thought to myself before drinking my pain killers and trying to get out of my hangover.. 

The anger was still there, no matter what, it was there. I knew my Auntie loved Mark, even though she tried to put me in an arranged marriage beforehand when she knew I had a boyfriend but once she met him, you could just tell that she already making wedding plans. My aunt would involve him in everything after that, making him feel like family. I get that she's mad, but that anger shouldn't be directed at me, I'm not the one who fucking cheated.

Once I did, the first thing I did was eat breakfast and drink plenty of water then I transferred my clients files since well I impulsively quit my job because of my stupid drunk self. Then delete them all after I have transferred all. Some of my patients reached out and thanked me for treating them well and giving them hope for themselves in which for me made the job worthwhile.

 And then started to work on my interview, I did research on the school, on what interview questions they would ask, on what kinds of interview questions I can have. This job feels like its calling me, meaning I really have to do well on this interview. I even learned about the staff, the principal, the PE teacher, The Werewolf sex education teacher, The Botany teacher, and many more.

This is my chance to prove to Tita that I have a chance. So that's all I did all day before the interview. It was the same routine: wake up early, swim in the ocean, argue with my auntie, eat breakfast, then the whole day I prepared for my interview. 

Sure it's unhealthy of me to overwork myself to do well in this interview but, I'm not going to let Mark win by just sulking and missing him. No, he gave me this opportunity to make a name for myself and now I'm doing it. And this was also a way to prove to my auntie that I could be on my own now, I could go out and meet people like me. And never ever go back to being isolated. Which is why I’m treating this like it was my bar exam.

------------------------------------

The day of the interview 

The alarm I set was two hours before the interview. For the first time in a while, I made myself breakfast, the classic egg and longganissa breakfast, brushed my teeth, took a warm and peaceful shower, and did some house chores so that Kuya won't have to worry much later.

I picked out what to wear and then settled on my favourite but not frequently used pink suit.

I was preparing for the interview when I heard a knock on my door. "Come in, I'm done changing." I answered while putting a pink blazer on for my interview. My cousin came in with something in his hand. "Ayyy, she's getting ready na, how are you feeling?" He asked while looking around me to see if I had any flaws with the formal wear I was wearing. "I'm a bit nervous, but at the same time, I'm excited because this whole thing is gonna be so new to me." I said while straightening my jacket. 

He looked at his watch, and it was almost time for him to go, also nearing the time when my interview was going to start. "Aalis na ako ha? Good luck sayo, Isla." (I'll get going already, Goodluck Isla) He hugged me tightly. "HOY KUYA YUNG BLAZER GUGUSOT YAN." (HEY KUYA, MY BLAZER IS GONNA GET CRUMPLED)  I shouted while playfully slapping him. He laughed, then let down before saying his final goodbye. I straightened my blazer once again and checked the time it was almost my interview. 

My tita walked and saw me before I was going to sit down on my desk. She gave me a glare then walked up to me. “Kahit kelan eh noh, lagi nalang ako mali, lagi na lang ikaw ang tama. Sana di ka papasa dito, sinasabi ko na sayo na di safe sa labas pero gagawin mo parin toh” (Everytime everywhere, I’m the one who's always wrong. You’re the one who’s always right. I hope you don’t pass this interview, I already told you it's not safe out there and yet you still do this.) My aunt then left. ‘Wala naman goodluck diyan putangina?’ (Not even goodluck there fuck this)

I slammed my palm against the wall when I heard my auntie go out of the house. I was frustrated.

Ever since my mom died, she has been this asshole, from making me transfer to a public school where I got bullied just from coming from a private school to nearly forcing me to date a guy when she knew I was dating Mark until she saw him. I don't know what she thinks that was going to do when she did all of those, but I finally rebelled when I chose to choose psychology instead of modelling like Mark.

That was the first time I rebelled, normally I would have felt bad like when I was in highschool and I would extend just a little bit to get a taste of street food due to how hungry I was at that time but when I did so, I would always apologize and get grounded.

I collected myself and started doing breathing exercises. This made me calm down for a while, but it was obvious that I was pissed but not to worry since I'm able to control my emotions when it came to serious settings, or so I hope.

I sat on my desk and clicked on the zoom link they sent me. While I was waiting the nerves kept going up to me while I waited for the call. I really want this to work or else I'm letting my tita control which I do not want anymore. 

All those thoughts stopped when someone entered the Zoom call. She had wavy medium red hair, wearing a brown cardigan, those thick framed glasses. I was stunned for some reason. She looked to be older than and definitely not the principal I saw on the website. It was.. 

"Good morning there in the Philippines. I'm Marilyn Thornhill, the botany teacher of Nevermore and I'm here to be your interviewer. I’m sorry for the sudden change of interviewer, Miss Weems had to take care of something and I was here already so.., Miss Isla are you ready?”

[raschuuuu]

WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK? // M.YG angst (Suga)

Summary: You finally had your debut with your girl group with Big Hit entertainment. That was your absolute biggest dream but what happens when you have to decide now? Do you want to live your idol life and let the love of your life go for it? Or do you decide for the life of your life?

Word count: 5k

Genre: angst

warnings: established relationship / swearing / soft yoongi / mentioning of breakups / mentioning of suicide/death

Pairing: Yoongi!idol x female idol!reader

A/N: Hello guuuuys! Today I hope very much that you will like this one here! I didn't get any requests so I want to say it again one more time: FEEL FREE TO SEND ME YOUR REQUESTS!!! 😟🥺It’s my second fanfic on this blog I worked very hard on it so I really really hope you guys will enjoy it. If you guys think I could do anything better or you have another preferences please let me know. I’d be very happy if you guys leave a like so I know you read it and liked it. Another note: English is not my first language I’m very sorry if you guys find any mistakes.. 💔

_____________________________________________________________________________

5th December 2020

What could be better than having a debut just before the year ends? My group and I were supposed to have our debut much earlier but that was  postponed due to the COVID pandemic so it was complicated to have a debut this year but nevertheless our company managed to give us a debut before the year ends and I really have to say it's the best thing that could ever happen to me!

My dream has finally come true. How long was I a trainee? Exactly. Six years. Six freaking years I was hidden behind the scenes of my big and famous company. It feels really shitty to be in the shadow of two famous groups in South Korea. Don't get me wrong I'm a really big fan of BTS and TXT but we got tired of being told that we're going to make our debut but at the end we didn’t. I know the guys from BTS and TXT  personally and we all get along super well even the other members of my group. But to be honest BTS and TXT couldn't wait for our debut to happen and finally it's here (y/g/n) finally gets the recognition.

31st December 2020

Of course our lives have changed dramatically since we made our debut. Of course it's much harder to go out alone now than before. Before I was a nobody. No one knew me but now I don't even dare to go alone to the convenient store that is just around the corner of our dorm. You might think I'm exaggerating a bit but no, unfortunately it's the truth. Nevertheless, I don't want to spoil my idol life. After our debut we had a lot of promotions and interviews. But even before that we didn't have much time because we had to shoot our music video and photo shoots and we were all sent to the hairdresser because our old look was officially bye bye. I’m happy with my new look I think I look so beautiful I can't believe what a haircut and a nice makeup can do to a person.

Today is the 31st of December. New Year's Eve! New year takes place in less than 24 hours! Where am I? I'm at this year's MBC Gayo DaeJeon. My first new year's eve without my family and officially my first new year's eve as an idol. I'm so excited I can't believe it I'm going to be on stage with my girls and I'm meeting other idols how exciting is that. I'm sitting in the makeup room getting my makeup done by our makeup artist and on the side our hairstylist is making me a high ponytail. I hope I'll look good. Dabi, the oldest of our group and therefore our Unni, has just finished and looks adorable. Miso sits to my left and is also getting her make-up and hair done. Hyemi is getting ready after me because she doesn't take up much time. She has the shortest hair of all of us. I’m sitting with my mobile phone in my hand and texting with my mother. Sometimes I wish I could be with her and with my father and my siblings. I miss them all like hell. I haven't seen them since before our debut. I can't wait to hold them all in my arms next time.

(eomma):

y/n we miss you! New year's eve isn't the same without you but hopefully you'll have fun on stage today. We'll all be watching you! Your dad and I your grandparents and your siblings so don't worry we're always with you! Good luck my child fighting! 🎉🎆

I notice how i get tears in my eyes but no I mustn't cry my makeup gets ruined. Just as I want to answer my mother i get a new text on my phone.

(yoongi):

I'm excited to see you tonight! You'll be great I believe in you.

By the way... I guess I didn't tell you that I'm dating Min Yoongi. That's right, Min Yoongi.

flashback

2014

"Y/n! We're about to meet BTS!" says Hyemi as I just walked into the dance practice room. What BTS? The group that made their debut last year? "Really why?" I ask looking at her confused. Apparently all new trainee male or female, are introduced to BTS because they want to give us some nice words and encouragement on our way as trainees. Just as I was about to sit down, the seven men came in the door. One after the other, they passed us by. Wow, these guys can count themselves lucky that their time is up. But one boy in particular stands out to me. He has red hair. Not too light and not too dark, a red that almost goes brown. He is beautiful.

I haven't really informed myself about who BTS is, of course I still have difficulties to remember their names, I just became a trainee before I didn't care who was a trainee here... but this man is beautiful!

Oh crap he looks at me. Why is he looking at me. Someone tell him to look the other way please I’m so awkward I don't know how to act when someone looks at me I better look the other way. The leader said some nice words to us they all wished us luck and said that they can't wait for us to make our debut and that when the day comes they're all gonna be happy and supportive! Really nice of them I never thought that they would do something like that. We all got up and bowed and said thank you, while BTS was about to walk out I saw the red haired boy looking at me one last time before he went out. Crazy man do I have something on my face stop staring!

2015

I started to get to know them better each and every one of them. I get along best with Hoseok and Taehyung. Every now and then we run into each other in the building and talk for a few minutes. We trainees also got to meet all the guys in person, they are all so nice and down to earth I don't regret it one bit that I joined this company! Jungkook is about my age and every now and then we have a few laughs together. Once you are in the company you are like one big family whether it is with the trainees or the staff. However I have not been able to get close to one person and that is Min Yoongi. I don't know what it is but every time he and I are in a room with other people it just gets awkward. I don't know what it is but every time he is near me I feel intimidated and just want to get out of there. We've never spoken a word to be honest maybe it's because he feels awkward around me too? I can't understand why he feels this way I always try to get along with everyone even if i don't want to and make everyone feel comfortable around me because I want it to be mutual. So what's his problem?

2016

I have heard from his members that he has a crush on me and gets shy around me which I totally don't understand because how can anyone be into me? Especially back then! I don't want to go into too much detail but I can tell you that after a while and with the help of Hoseok and Taehyung he and I started texting at some point. We had been friends for a long time but only online. We were both too nervous to meet in person and to be honest that had been impossible because he was busy as fuck and no one was supposed to find out that we were texting. BTS recognition grew more and more each year and he became busier and busier each day. I was of course very happy for everyone and one rainy day in the evening Yoongi appeared out of nowhere on my doorstep and confessed his love to me. I am still overwhelmed by it and it all feels so unreal and like it just happened yesterday, but I went for it and agreed to be his girlfriend.

back to December 31st 2020

For four years we have been hiding our relationship. Nobody knows about it the whole Big Hit staff doesn't know about it and neither do our managers the only ones who know about it are his members and recently my members. I didn't want to tell them until we made our debut together because I was too scared of being told off during my trainee time. But I have to say that the girls stand behind me and accept our relationship and they all swore they would take it to the grave with them.

I quickly turn down the brightness of my screen because there's too much danger of my hairstylist and makeup artist reading the text. I close my phone and put it on my lap. How much I want to answer him but I don't dare I can't answer him when there are too many people around me. After a while we were called and it was finally our turn I'm so nervous but we managed it all with flying colors and we were the topic of the evening.

In a few minutes it's already new year I'm ready and let 2021 come to me. At midnight Yoongi calls me and I answer the phone with joy.

"Happy new year y/n! I love you and I hope we will spend more time together this year even though it will be harder now." I smile to myself and say "Happy new year Yoongi... how is your shoulder? Are you resting enough? Are you eating enough? Are you sleeping enough? Are you in pain? If you are in pain then take a painkiller and go back to the doctor!" I can't see it but I can tell he is grinning and shaking his head. I don't let him get a word in edgewise.

"Don't worry I’m fine I just miss you you're the only painkiller I can take" - "Hahaha yah! You're so corny! I miss you too sweetheart I wish we had spent this new year together... I’m sorry it turned out like this!" I feel really bad because I know he won't be able to spend new year with his boys or me... To be honest we have never had a new year together except on the phone but this time it could have worked out! He is at home with his injury and if we wouldn't have had our debut then we would have had a first new year together after four years of relationship!

January 10th 2021

At the beginning of the new year our manager gave us our schedule plan at it looked hella busy! This whole January we would be completely busy we don't even have one weekend off! I can’t believe it how will I able to see my family or even Yoongi? I saw him at the first weekend of January we spent it together at his family’s house in Daegu behause to be honest that is actually the only place that we can go to a little far away from Seoul without having to worry that any of the staff could know or see us. My family also knows and loves him to death but with my family living in Seoul it’s complicated to take him there. Our manager left the room and I looked at Dabi with the ‘You and I bathroom NOW!’ look she understood and got up from her place and she followed me to the bathroom. We checked if any other person was inside when there wasn’t I said “What the fuck I’m I gonna do now Unni? How am I able to see Yoongi? How will I be able to even go out. I won’t even have time to take the fucking trash out from our dorm when it’s my turn to clean!” I yell. She stands there giving me a confused look. “What do you expect y/n? You chose to have this idol life you know its busy and complicated to have a boyfriend especially as a fresh debuted idol! Why do you think they won't let us have a relationship? I wish I could help you but I can’t. We’re gonna be busy as fuck!” she yelled back. “Psh shut your volume down unni!” she opened the door to see if there was anyone outside but there wasn’t.

I feel bad I really do. I don't want my members to be in trouble because of me that's the last thing I want. I hug her and apologize to her. I have to think of something I don't know what to do. I don't want us to be away from each other for too long what happens when he stops loving me all of a sudden? What do I do when he goes back to work then it will all be worse! Before I became an idol we could always see each other at the end of the day but now it will be impossible. I have to talk to him about it because one thing we promised each other is that we talk about everything because that's the only way a healthy relationship can work and such a complicated relationship we both have. I take out my phone and write him a message.

(me):

Yoongi. Tonight FaceTime date you and me?

In less than two minutes I already get my answer.

(yoongi):

of course!

evening

I turn on my MacBook and call him on FaceTime. After three rings he answers the phone and turns it off too so he doesn't have to hold it in his hand. He still has his bandage on and his hair is wet he must have been in the shower. He wears cute pyjamas and fight me or not but black haired Yoongi is the most beautiful Yoongi. I always fall in love again when I see him. Hard to believe we were so awkward with each other back then but this year is already approaching 5 years together. I could never imagine my life without him. 

"Hey my darling" he says happily and smiles at me. I smile back and ask him how he is. He tells me that he is getting better every day and that during his time off he has found a lot of time for himself and his music and how much he misses the others. And me too, of course. "What's wrong with you?" he asks me when he notices that my mind is somewhere else. I think he took the Facetime date too seriously. He be sitting there with his cup of ramen. I just laugh. "Yoongi... I'm going to be busy all of January and manager oppa said that February might not be any better," I say and wait for his answer. He swallows his noodles and drinks a glass of water. "Does that mean we won't see each other this month?" he asks. I think he's a little disappointed I know him and I know his tones and his looks and I can hear my heart breaking by now. And how much I'd like to see you Yoongi. Every second every day. "No," I say, and then an uncomfortable silence descends. 

“You know what baby it’s fine don't worry. I mean I wasn’t any better back then do you remember when I always used to be so busy? I never had time for you and I felt so bad. But you were there for me and you stayed by my side and you were and still are the most supportive girlfriend I could ever ask for. I think it would be unfair to be mad at you. I’m happy for you forever and always” well that was unexpected. I start getting tears in my eyes. I didn't think of this reaction not at all! I smile at him and say “Thank you baby... I will appreciate it I really do. But still I feel bad because especially in this period where you're sick I wish I could be there for you and take care of you. This debut was so unexpected I’m really sorry” - “Yah don't be sorry y/n. You worked your goddamn fine ass off to be where you're at right now be proud of you this is just the beginning. And it’s not like that we won't see each other ever again right?” he says. He’s right. He’s totally right. It’s not like we won't see each other ever again.

January 17th 2020

Well... seven days passed and we still haven't seen each other and we haven't talked since one week. We text every now and then cause I really only get to use my phone when it's night and we go back home but every night I'm so damn exhausted and tired that I forget to answer to his texts. I don't even have time to text my parents back or my siblings. I feel so bad I'm such a bad person. I miss them all so much. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and my brother. I miss my grandparents. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend so damn much. I really didn't think this life is gonna be so hard for me. I feel like I've been put in the middle of a scale with my career on one side and my relationship on the other side and I have to choose one side or the other. I've never thought about breaking up with Yoongi ever in my life. Never. I just can't. I need this man too much. Even though we never have the most beautiful and perfect relationship and see each other very rarely, it's just the thought that I know there's someone in my life who loves me and accepts me for who I am that counts. He took me with my imperfections he put his career what he loves most in his life in risk to be with me and now that we are both in this situation I don't know what to do I feel bad and selfish for even thinking about it I don't want to make him feel like my career is more important than him or our relationship he doesn't deserve that he deserves the world and he deserves to be happy. But I love my career I love my job I love my members I love our staff I love our fans. Our biggest fear was not being accepted by the society outside especially now in this period when BTS is one of the biggest groups in the whole world and have a very big influence in the KPOP industry. We were afraid that society would think that since we are the first girl group to make a Big Hit debut in a very long time that people would think that we would mess with the boys heads or that there would be any rumors started between us and the other groups. But on the contrary people have been happy for us and love our music and us individually. I feel like Hannah Montana I feel like I am living a double life.

20th January 2021

"I know you are overwhelmed with the situation my child, I can imagine that it is very hard for you but you have to know what is best for you. You can't tell anyone from your company, you are a rookie, if they find out you had a boyfriend during your trainee time then it is even worse. I wish I was with you and could help you or just be there for you. I love Yoongi very much but I love you even more and I am happy with any decision you make. Just make the right one" my mother says on the phone. Tears have been flowing since she got on the phone but I don't want to tell her and I try not to sob but I know she can tell by my tone that I am crying. She is right. I have to make a decision. Yoongi is getting better day by day and soon he will be busy too he will go back to his daily routine and the other members. He will have comebacks he will have dance practices he will have to go to the recording studio he will have photo shoots he will do interviews and when the corona situation allows he will have to go to other countries and I have to do the same.

I love him to death and I will never love anyone as much as I love him but I am just not happy like this and you can tell me what you want he is not either but he doesn't let it show. Yesterday on the phone there was such an awkward tension between us it felt like I was making small talk with a stranger. Even though I might be the bad guy but one of us has to make the first move. I have wished and hoped that this day will never come but I have to do it.

23 January 2021

Yoongi told me that he is back in his flat in Seoul with his mother. Unfortunately he still can't travel alone so his dear mum went with him. I missed her too, she's the nicest and sweetest woman ever. When I imagine that I won't see her again either, tears well up in my eyes. But today I have to do it. Who would have thought that our reunion would be like this? Who would have thought that I would break up with him. He won't expect it but I have to do it. I’m cold and sick and I just want to go to bed and get the day over with. It's 11pm at night and we've come home after a long hard day. I look out the window and wait until our manager is out of sight.

My members know about my plans and of course have asked me a million times if I am sure and if there is no other way out. I am very happy that they are worried about me but I also feel bad towards them. I have been hiding it from them all our trainee years and when I told them they were all so good about it and even want me not to do it. But no I will do it I am young and want to concentrate on my career and what is coming up for us.

I told Yoongi that I would come, of course he doesn't want to because it's way too late but I said it was important and that we had to talk about something. When I said we had to talk about something he was quiet and then just said he would wait for me. I put on a hat and a thick jacket and the hood of the jacket and a mask and a scarf and go out into the high snow that has covered Seoul. His flat is not far from mine but still I have to take a taxi. I ask the driver to wait for me because I don't want to stay there long I want to get it over with quickly and go.

(me):

can you come down?

(yoongi):

why don't you come up?

(me):

I think its better when you come down Yoongi I don't want your mom to be worried or hears any of that were gonna talk.

He doesn't text back instead I just see the lights turning on from his window. A few minutes later he comes down. Oh my fucking lord he is so handsome. I want to run up to him and kiss him from head to toe. I want to be in his arms. I want us to go upstairs together and fall asleep together. I want to build a snowman with him. I want to be with him forever I love him he is the love of my life.

He comes up to me and smiles at me. He stands in front of me and we both don't say a word. His smile turns into a confused look he notices something is wrong. "Don't I get a kiss or a hug?" he asks me. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I would love to rip your clothes off Min Yoongi.

"I want to break up." Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. "Yoongi say something?" I ask him. He says nothing. He looks at me with a blank look he is sad he is disappointed he is devastated just like me. "Yoongi please?". He does not speak.

"Yoongi, I'm sorry. I-i-I really love you I love you more than anything but I know that I can't give 100% in our relationship now. I just want us to be happy but I see that we are not. It could have been great during your time off but I can't be there for you... sooner or later it should have happened. I want to be with you but I can't anymore it was okay then but it's not okay now we're both famous you're in the biggest boy group in the world if anyone finds out we're together we'll be screwed. Especially me Yoongi. Female idols have it harder than male idols you know that. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I think this will be the best thing for us I-" he interrupts me.

"How dare you to tell me what's best for me? Do you have any idea what you're talking about y/n? Stop trying to tell me what's best for me when you know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life god damn. I was going through a difficult time in my life and you were the only one who was there for me! And now you're telling me let’s break up because you're afraid people are gonna find out? And that they are gonna blame you? The fuck? Theres always two fucking persons in a relationship y/n! I also wanted that. I wanted you. Don’t you love me anymore? Why don’t you love me anymore? We hid our relationship for four fucking years why can't we hide it now?" he said yelling at me.

 I am shocked and sad I want to die. I don't want to live in this life without Min Yoongi. But I know it's best for us I do it for him and his career too.

"Yes I don't love you anymore" were my last words before I left.

________________________________________________________________________________

A/N: damn y/n!!! did you just break up with the mf min yoongi? you better save your relationship! guys if you want a part two (with maybe a happy ending?) let me know! love you bye 🎀