#sorry but like i've been in and out of therapy since literally pre-school

[chronicbackstabbingdisorder]

My patience for people telling me to go back to therapy is zero. My patience for people trying to fix me is zero. My patience for being told how I should be coping or trying to heal is zero.

If who I am right now, as I am right now, isn't good enough for you, then move on because we aren't compatible.

[pluviophile-bookworm]

HSMTMTS 2x9: so dreaded, so exciting, 'Sword!' (yeah, I went there, I've been thinking about this scene - you know the one - since yesterday for some reason)

After two computer malfunctions and a very tough, very sleepless night, here I am with a third attempt to write this post. The universe is against me today. Is Mercury in retrograde or something? Ugh, I just want to get this over with already. And I haven't even managed to see half the episode yet. You better like this cursed post because it's taken me two hours at this point, and will probably take another to finish - and that is if nothing goes wrong this time. Please bear with me. This is my reaction to HSMTMTS 2x9, take 3. Let's hope and pray it's the last one.

I'm normally [unpopular opinion alert] a very spoiler-positive person (it's the combination of anxiety and ADHD and a bunch of other stuff, I suppose), but for this one I've been refraining from looking at the tag all morning, so by now I'm simply bursting with impatience. But before we dive in, I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Some pre-watch thoughts and feelings (let's see how well they will have aged by the end of the episode):

Seriously, what is with whoever writes this show? I know it's impossible, but I feel like they've been toying with my emotions specifically all season. Like:

Ah, so you were a Rini shipper last season? Great, now we'll make them obnoxious and borderline toxic to the point where you actually want them to break up, but then their old chemistry will be back just for the breakup scene so that you can cry your eyes out over the one couple you couldn't stand - even though you can't seem to relate to a single song from Sour, we'll make you feel like you do for a hot second. At least it will remind you that you loved Ricky.

So you say Redlyn own your heart and soul? Great, we'll make you dread something going wrong with them for a week straight, and mess up your sleep schedule beyond repair over it. You're welcome!

We heard you said Rodfini give you life? Perfect, how about a big Seblos fight? And would you like a side of questioning your choice to stan Carlos with that? Because what is life without a little anxiety, a bit of doubt of your ability to read people, and a pinch of existential dread, right?

Ah, so you claimed not to ship Portwell romantically, is that right? Brilliant, we'll make you ship them and then we'll use that to torture you, too.

You've been excited about ABF and Asher Angel guest-starring ever since they were announced? Magnificent! We'll make you hate ABF's character to the point where you can't even look at him, and we'll make you call him names you thought yourself incapable of uttering. And as for Asher, you'll be left waiting for him until the last third of the season, and then you'll dread the possibility of hating his character, too. Do you love us yet?

Oof! Right then, I've got that out of my system. Time to dive in.

Miss Jenn playing around with the backgrounds is, like, 90% of the people who had online school this year, and honestly, I love that for her.

Wait, why is Nini first on this call? Are they going through with the Rose thing? Cos like, the song is nice and all (and, might I add, much more to my taste than nearly all of Sour, don't @ me), but if they use it, it will get them disqualified. They’ve been told that! Gosh, please let me be wrong about this.

We get it, Carlito, rich and fancy and over-the-top is kind of your thing, but have you stopped for a second to think about how others will feel about this? Especially Seb, whom you claim to care about. Seriously, though, I love Carlos and would not hesitate to die for him, but I’m getting the feeling that, unlike my other favourite (you know the one), he wouldn’t do the same for me. Oh well, he’ll figure it out. He’s just a kid. Give him time.

Wait, Milky White? Is that an Into the Woods reference I smell? Cool! If I had a cow, I’d totally name her Milky White (or Gertrude, but don’t ask me why). I just hope they don’t have to, like, take her to the market and exchange her for magic beans, if you catch my drift.

Ahhhhh, Caswell cousins content! We love to see it!

‘You guys are watching, like, old old movies’ WTH, Nini (or is it Nina)? Scary Movie is literally younger than me. But what do you know about it, you 21st-century baby! Ugh, I don’t know why I’m being so hostile today... must be the lack of sleep. Hope it doesn’t influence my reactions to the episode so dramatically as to make me forget how much I love this series. Because I do.

Yay! Big Red is here! I can finally smile. And did Ash just say they’re soulmates? Because yes they are! Ahhh my heart is going to explode.

‘Nini, have you heard from [Ricky]?’ Yikes, awkward... but of course, Big Red can be counted on to save the day here, too.

Ok, so that was a cool cold open. Time for some nice in-person scenes, though. I did not spend all of three semesters doing online school just to have the characters of my favourite series do the same.

Wow, Gina is really embracing that French accent thing! And I really don’t want to think about, erm, ‘Napoleon over here’ right now, but I really think the fact that she’s doing it better than him will be another piece of evidence towards my theory of fake-French!Antoine... ugh, I said his name. Oh well. Back to Gina. Too bad the French thing didn’t work out for her.

Ahhhh, Portwell with Ash in the background! And Ash is going to paint EJ’s nails! I feel like he’s going to end up loving that, despite what he says right now. But seriously, I just love how comfortable these two are with each other. Can you blame me now for shipping them as friends? Well, I mean, it’s obvious they will be more than friends, and somehow, despite the amatonormativity of it all, I’m here for it.

Wait, was that Asher? That was Asher, I’m 100% sure of it. And Gina said ‘a sign’ and then looked at him, even from the back... what am I supposed to think and feel here? I’m confused. Moving on.

Ahh, poor Ricky being a burrito... good thing that breakup scene last time reminded me that I love him, because the entirety of the season before that was very good at making me forget that.

Wait, did she say ‘the Bean’? As in, that Bean? The infamous Bean? LOL.

‘So the only time you two talk to each other is to gossip about me’ Boy, did I feel that. I once got my hands on my dad’s mobile and I... kind of went through his texts with mum. Yep, all about me and my brother. At this point I feel like they’re only together because of us. But this is getting too personal. I’m here about the episode, not to rant about my family. Moving on.

Yikes, looks like Nini’s got writer’s block all over again. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I kind of don’t. I mean, no hate towards her, none at all, but that entire scene just felt awkward and unnecessary. And not just because it’s her first time going live. That I can understand. What I don’t understand is why the writers can’t seem to do anything creative and interesting with Nini. Olivia is being wasted there. Idk, that’s just how I feel. Again, no hate.

Ahhhhh it’s Asher! And well, he’s not Jonah, but I kind of really like him as Jack. I wonder if that will last.

So is it just me, or is anyone else not quite sure how to feel about Ricky’s mum? I mean, their interactions seem kind of awkward and strained, but that’s how it’s supposed to be given their recent history, and yet something just doesn’t sit quite right with me.

‘You there, Muse? It’s me, Nini!’ Ah, so it’s Nini again? I didn’t get the memo. Gosh, this episode is kind of really underwhelming. The most exciting thing so far (but not nearly as exciting in practice as it was in theory) – Asher and Sofia’s on-screen reunion. The second most exciting thing? The thought of Ash painting EJ’s nails. Everything else? Kind of ‘whatever’. Is this what I tossed and turned about all night? Totally not worth it. This episode better get, like, 300% better right this instant. It’s just not worth all the frustration and excitement and dread so far.

Looks like my prayers from just now have been heard! That improv scene was hilarious! Guess it was lucky that Miss Jenn had them do improv before this moment. But I need to know more of Jack’s backstory now.

Ok, so that was awkward! So Kourtney is talking to Howie again, I guess. And I guess I know now what Carlos did that was all public and no subtle. Still, what’s wrong with posting photos from your holiday? Guess I don’t exactly know yet what Carlos did to piss the others off so much.

Great, now I’m tempted to google butterfly faces. Good thing I’m not eating anymore. *** Ughhhhh this was a mistake! Please don’t ever look a butterfly in the face if you want to stay sane. Don’t be like me.

Ahhh the Duke sweater! ‘Is that your boyfriend’s?’ Well, not quite yet, it’s not... *screams in Portwell*

Oh, now we’re talking! But seriously, Ricky? The ‘my friends think’ card? Why don’t you just say ‘I think’? It’s clearly something you’ve thought about a lot. I feel like I’m going to love this scene or cry over it or both.

Ooh, therapy. It’s not just... basically the entire fandom... who says it now. Please tell me that means Ricky will be going to therapy at some point. Says the girl who is currently firmly refusing to go to therapy in favour of hyperfixating on HSMTMTS and getting back into the good old practice of having imaginary friends... yeah, I’m one to talk.

My, my, my! Seb has really had it now. I mean, it was about time, but... not quite like this. My heart is starting to do some weird stuff, I can feel it. I might need to lie down.

Ok, so as much as I envy North High for getting to see so many shows on BWay – basically living out my dream – stalking East High on Instagram and being shady about them taking a well-deserved break... just goes beyond all limits. I mean, if you’re so into Broadway shows, you should know as well as I do what happened the last time a certain founding father did not take a break. Maybe you’re the ones in need of a break here.

Nini on the call with the Caswell cousins, though... ‘I’m obsessed with both of you’ – first relatable thing she’s said or done all season. And EJ playing with old toys is pure gold.

Oh, so Jack’s dad is a pilot. Makes sense, I guess. I’m kind of intrigued by this guy. Just as long as he doesn’t try to come between Portwell before they’ve had the chance to happen, you know...

Ashlyn might need to stop swooning over Nini’s songwriting or Big Red might get jealous... I mean, I would not have pinned him as the jealous type before 2x7, but ever since then... I guess insecure + dating a girl like Ash = the jealous type. And although that looks good on him, I’d bet anything it doesn’t feel particularly pleasant on his side. So... wait, why am I talking about Big Red? He hasn’t even got anything to do with the scene at hand. But then again, there’s been so little Big Red content in this episode that I seem to be trying to make up for it. Still. Stay focused.

Ooh, so Big Red did edit that video! Is there anything my boy can’t do? Ok, now I feel like he’s even more criminally underappreciated than he was before. But let’s look at the video. I’m curious to see the whole thing because that sneak peek from yesterday simply hasn’t been enough.

That was... really, really cool! I love how they took the ‘when they go low, we go high’ line from last time and run with it. Now if only they were putting as much effort into BATB... North High wouldn’t know what hit them.

Hmmmm... I guess Gina and Jack could be what I originally wanted Portwell to be... really cool friends. Unless it’s one of those ‘airport magic’ things. Oh well. It probably is. Was that all we’re seeing of Asher here? I did not wait 2/3 of the season for this. Though it was nice.

Ooh, Ricky’s solo song... why is there more Rini chemistry in this song than there was in all the season? Not counting the breakup scene, of course. Also, I feel like it’s just as much about him and his mum as it is about Nini. Some say music is the best therapy. I think they might be right. And no, I’m not crying. You are.

The granola bar, though... this episode might have been very underwhelming in the first half, but... it delivered in the Portwell front, and the music was *chef’s kiss*, so I’m willing to let it slide that the advertised Seblos ‘big fight’ was not touched upon nearly enough. Maybe next week...

Ok, now that we’re done watching the episode, let’s see how my feelings from the beginning have aged:

The Rini breakup: apparently, along with reminding me that I love Ricky, it has rendered me unable to look at Nini. What’s up with that? If this is some sort of tactic along the lines of ‘Olivia might be leaving the show so we’re making you hate her character so that you won’t miss her’, it’s not really working. Because I don’t want to hate Nini. Believe me, I don’t.

Redlyn: ok, so there’s nothing wrong with them whatsoever - we even got a ‘soulmates’, which I loved - but first they’re being swept under the rug, and then the antis come at us with that ‘their relationship is underdeveloped’ nonsense. Individually, though, I liked them in this episode (even if there was a significant shortage of Big Red), and Ashlyn collaborating with Nini again was cool, but... what I really wanted to see was her painting EJ’s nails. Did she even get the chance to actually do it? Maybe next week.

Seblos: I’m still failing to understand exactly what Seb thinks Carlos did wrong (please enlighten me if you did catch that, I’m kind of slow), but he (Seb) does have reasons to be mad at him (Carlos)... and at other people, too. Still, if you want to have a fight between two people in a relationship, you could do much better than whatever this episode was. Maybe next week. I notice I’m saying that a lot. Guess I’m putting a lot of hopes on 2x10. I just pray it doesn’t disappoint.

Portwell: boy, am I happy that my frustration on this front did not age well! What I mean is, apparently they’ve decided to bless us, not torture us for once. Even a rather disappointing episode like this one had to have some sort of silver lining. And Portwell is it.

Asher as Jack: well, luckily I didn’t hate him, but... it’s kind of the opposite problem. I loved him and now they’re taking him away from me. Guess I just can’t win here. Oh well. At least he didn’t have the screen time to get in between Portwell...

All in all: 2x10, my hopes and prayers are with you!

[gayshitiguess]

So since @riahawk messaged me the second after I made that post saying simply “playlist yes” I thought I would share.

So I chose one song for every chapter and thought I would do a Critical Role styled explanation! I hope you guys like it!

Chapter 1: Modern Literature

“Dying in LA” By Panic! At the Disco

“Every face along the boulevard is a dreamer just like you./ You looked at death in a tarot card and you saw what you had to do.”

What can I say, this song has always screamed Mollymauk to me, especially these two lines in the pre-chorus. Beware takes place in LA, so the title is just that much more accurate. In this first chapter and for most of the story, Molly keeps drawing the same three cards from his deck, the Fool, the Devil, and Death. He is literally looking at death in a tarot card. This is him trying to find his way, trying to gleam where he’s supposed to go from here. Luckily, he finds his way.

Chapter 2: A Show of Scrutiny

“I Put a Spell on You” By Screamin Jay Hawkins

Enter magic awkward dude! This chapter deals mostly with the aftermath of Molly finding out holy shit, magic is real. I chose this version of the Nina Simone version simply because I wanted to capture the frantic, scream argument part of this chapter. This version has Jay Hawkins literally just screeching into the mic, and if that doesn’t sum up Molly’s mood for this chapter, I don’t know what does. Bonus, it's a love song, and this is where the seeds are planted. Love is in the air, but mostly panic and magic!

Chapter 3: Lost and Found

“Junkie Church” By AJJ

“Last week I saw you at the junkie church/ you told me all the things I need to hear/ like I’ve got a heart of gold/ and a kind and open soul.”

This is one of my favorite chapters in the entire piece. I love to put in little lunar interludes of sorts between the big stuff, and this really was that at its best. In this chapter, we get a bit of insight into Caleb’s past, but not nearly the entirely. We also get a tarot reading from Molly to Caleb that somehow managed to give Caleb’s fucking terrible story positivity. Con men really are in the business of telling people what they want to hear. Molly made it his business to tell Caleb pretty things. He’s very good at that.

Chapter 4: Shadows

“Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)” By Fall Out Boy

“I hope the roof flies off and we get blown out into space/ I always make such expensive mistakes.”

You know my emo ass had to throw in some Fall Out Boy. Really, everything that they do in this chapter is mistakes. This is where shit gets bad. So many bad choices were made from Caleb giving Molly the necklace to letting the entire group into the haunted house. It had to end in a possession. Plus, I need some sick guitar riffs to get into a fight scene.

Chapter 5: Passed Through Fire

“Holy Calamity [Bear Witness II]” By Handsome Boy Modeling School

Did I say that I needed sick guitar riffs for a fight? I’m so sorry, I meant that I needed classics of the hip hop scene blowing out my speakers. This song just captures the absolute chaos of what the fuck is happening in the chapter. Shit gets crazy from the moment that the song begins, and this chapter’s contents are enough to have you screaming “Holy Calamity!” from beginning to end

Chapter 6: Reunions

“Safe in my Garden” By The Mamas & The Papas

This really is the quintessential Caduceus song to me. Really, the idea of him bopping to The Mamas & The Papas is such a lovely one. This song just reminds me of the Blooming Grove, the smooth, sweet sound, the very name just feels like the Grove. And here we get to see everybody coming to Caduceus for help and for protection. They’re all safe in his garden.

Chapter 7: What Lies Beneath the Surface

“Zombies” By Childish Gambino

“You will find/ there is no safe place/ to hide.”

Zombies! I mean, really, there was no better song for this chapter. If I was going to do a chapter about the undead, I had to throw Gambino in there. This whole album could be the soundtrack for this story, but this one especially. This chapter completely negates the safety of the last, completely ruins the safe garden that Caduceus maintains. It's a wrench in the plan and it’s a song that sounds so different from any other on the playlist, that its a wrench in the sound.

Chapter 8: Omens

“Nausea” By Jeff Rosenstock

“I got so tired of discussing my future/ I started avoiding the people I love./ Evening of silence and morning of nausea/ Shake and sweat and I can’t throw up/ I got so tired of discussing my future/ That I walk through my life like I'm the only one”

Caleb has a really hard time communicating what he wants to other people. He also has a hard time talking about his future, since he hasn’t really planned on having one since the academy. It's hard for him not to push people away, but Molly is stubborn and he isn’t willing to let Caleb push people out of his life.

Chapter 9: Strange Bedfellows

“I’ve Got Problems” By Harley Poe

“Talking to myself again/ About how I'll never win/ I look into the mirror/ And that's how my day begins/ I wonder when did all this black fill up my mind/ Well I don't shower/ I'm a slob/ I've gone years without a job/ And I can't seem to keep my hands out of my pants and off my knob/ Because the perversions in my head are of the sickest kind”

What can I say? Caleb’s got problems. Like, big time problems. He’s one fucked up shit. Just as “Safe in my Garden” is the quintessential Caduceus song, this is the quintessential Caleb song. I really could put the entire song in quotations because it is perfect. He’s trying his best here to convince Molly that he is FUBAR and honestly? It kind of works. He’s a fucked up guy who does fucked up things, and there’s very little that either of them can do about it.

Chapter 10: Dangerous Liasons

“Would you Be So Kind” By dodie

Caleb and Molly have been hinting at romance for the entire piece, but this is where it really starts to bloom. Molly expressed how serious he is about this, and tells Caleb that whenever he’s ready, Molly’s there. Molly is baring his soul in a way he hasn’t to anybody before. He’s trusting Caleb in a way he hasn’t with anybody. It's scary and he’s afraid to fuck it up, and all he can do right now is ask Caleb “could you maybe fall in love with me?”

Chapter 11: Crimson Deplomacy

“Devil’s Haircut” By Beck

Molly’s worst fucking nightmare; finding out what exactly is in his head. It turns out that it's Lucien. It's his worst case scenario. Getting real, concrete answers to his past that he never once asked for. And it only means bad things on the way. There’s something decidedly evil in his mind and he’s stuck. All he can do is hope that he’ll be okay. Plus, what a use of the kazoo.

Chapter 12: At Dawn, We Plan!

“Bad Moon Rising” By Creedence Clearwater Revival

This song is cursed and so is this chapter. It's all about bad tidings and warnings, an omen of bad things on the rise. Although this chapter is relatively tame, there is a permeating sense of unease. Molly knows that this is going to go badly. He knows that something horrible is about to happen. And there is absolutely nothing that he can do about it. There’s a bad moon on the rise, and Molly’s going to have to face it.

Chapter 13: Found and Lost

“Through The Roof N’ Underground (feat. Eugene Hütz)” By Gogol Bordello

“When there's a trap set up for you/ In every corner of this town/ And so you learn the only way to go is underground/ When there's a trap set up for you/ In every corner of your room/ And so you learn the only way to go is through the roof”

Taliesin said it himself, Molly was always going to end with this song. This whole chapter is a fucking disaster. Molly “dies,” Lucien comes back, Lucien “dies,” there’s a lot of our favorite Bloodhunter biting the dust. Molly is doomed the second that that demon enters the room, and so he makes his way underground. Lucien is dragged up by his teeth from the inside of himself, and he goes straight through the roof. I’ve really found a love for this song and the intense, falling to pieces nature of it. By the end of it, the instrumentals and vocals fall out of sync and fade into nothing, just like Molly.

Chapter 14: Epilouge: The Chapter Closes

“Safety Song” By Andrea Gibson

“I was walking home in the red night zone/ I had a pair of flowers/ you had pegs on the back of your bike/ it was almost the morning hour/ I said come with me to the carnival/ we can sneak in when the power goes out/ we can sit real still in the bumper carts/ and see what it's all about to be safe/ from the crashing day/ we can be safe from everything/ you caught my eye in the funhouse mirror/ you look so pretty even like that/ you held my hand while I held my tongue/ and blushed beneath my baseball cap/ you said we've all got monsters under our bed and under our skin as well/ we can hold them in the corners of our little shame or bring them to show and tell/ just know your safe to tell me anything/ you are so safe to tell me anything/ lying in the grass by the ferris wheel/ I saw a train i knew we could catch so/ we ran through the streets and the parking lot/ and we caught that train as we caught our breath and we rode through the hills and the silo fields/ I knew my heart had no fire escape/ but I stood in your lightning like a sycamore tree/ love is a risk you have to take I feel safe to risk everything/ I feel safe to risk everything”

Finally, finally Molly has made it. After several months of recovery, plenty of therapy, and lots of soul searching, he’s able to breathe. This entire story has felt suffocating for me. I believe that Molly’s arc would have been an extremely painful and cathartic one to watch, so I thought that I would make something similar. This song is slow and sweet and tenuous. For a story that goes so hard for so long, I wanted to slow it down at the end and deliver something sweet. This is where Caleb and Molly decide to risk it, amnesia and trauma be damned, because love is a risk, but it's one that they have to take. And he’s safe. Finally safe.