#sorry for the series of negative posts again im just gettin In it i guess | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

orcelito · 7 months

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Also my ex step family that I lived with from ages 9-17 or so but haven't really spoken to since reached out. They brought food to my dad's place today (we were going through & packing up his closet) and we all hung out for an hour and a half and chatted. And it was surprisingly nice, but also made me ache so very deeply. Bc for my adolescence, this was a family of 6. Then it got cut down to 3 from the divorce. And then I got a taste of how life was, except it was only 5, and also everything is different. I'm such a different person than I was at 17 years old. These people were my family, but I've grown beyond them. A part of me feels like a vulnerable little kid again with them. More of me feels like an assistant manager between jobs with too many exes and an IT degree that's been In Progress for almost 9 years now.

And above it all, my dad is fucking dead. It's an ache that colors everything else in my life right now.

#speculation nation #negative/#sorry for the series of negative posts again im just gettin In it i guess #i think they feel like. idk. his death was a wakeup call or something #made them realize how much time has passed.#maybe it's sympathy. knowing how much it must hurt us to have lost our dad so young.#maybe they feel like since hes not around anymore we can all be a family like we used to be.#but it's like. plucking a piece from a succulent plant.#it knows where it once belonged. it can see it still shares the same origins. the same Family.#but it's grown. in time it's grown roots. stems. segments. it's a plant in its own right.#so it sees its original plant and it knows it once belonged. but it doesnt Fit anymore.#that's how this all feels. it's hard to trust it. hard to feel like it'll last.#but a part of me longs for it. but i also just long for the people we used to be.#back when i was happy. back when i didnt feel like i was living with a perpetual ache.#things werent perfect. but i was happy. it might have been the last time i was truly happy.

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