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#back when i was happy. back when i didnt feel like i was living with a perpetual ache.
rena-lily · 2 days
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Yall I was playing the event for twst today and OMG WHY ARE EPEL AND SEBEK SO CUTE??? LIKE HELLO??? Bro they’re literally besties! Trust🤞LIKE HELLO NOT THEM SMILING MISCHIEVOUSLY AND THEN PICKING IDIA UP
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Bro I’m just saying I feel like their friendship should be talked about a bit more!
Anyways I was thinking so imagine after the Harveston event, they all go back to NRC but there is a visible shift in their schedule. Before Sebek would spend a lot of his time with Dia 3 while Epel would mostly be with Vil But then now they always seem to be missing throughout the day!
Malleus doesn’t notice how often Sebek is gonna until like a week passes and this is starting to become a common thing while Silver also notices Sebek isn’t with him as often anymore so now Dia 3 is curious as to where Sebek is going throughout the day!
Next thing you know they see Epel and Sebek just running around near the woods or just hanging out together at Ramshackle and they’re just like when did those two get so close??? But obvs they’re glad Sebek is interacting with more people now! And from then on everyone can visibly see how close Epel and Sebek have gotten!! Like you can always see them walking in the halls together(Sebek is taking turns with Silver to escort Malleus now that Sebek started walking with Epel) and you can always see Sebek smiling so widely now:3 and you can always catch him talking to someone on the phone with Epel(hint:it’s Epel’s Grandma). All the other first years also note how Epel and Sebek are starting to become sort of a duo now obvs not as chaotic as Adeuce but they’re still chaotic. You can see Epel trying to throw an apple at someone while Sebek is just gripping onto Epel so he doesn’t actually throw it!
Now this would be fine for Dia 3 BUT NOW SEBEK IS LEGIT JUST ALWAYS GONE! They can barely find him anywhere and yes he still guard Malleus but not as often as before! Now they’re all starting to feel his missing presence and it just feels so WRONG…. He’s also started having sleepovers at Pomefiore which would be fine…IF LILIA AND SILVER DIDNT CATCH VIL SAYING THAT HE WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE SEBEK TO JOIN POMEFIORE INSTEAD!
You can’t convince me that Sebek would not fit in Pomefiore, like we know how strict he is with himself and he always works hard for everything he does! And I bet you that Vil atleast respects that part(And also Vil caught Sebek with his hair down when he was at Pomefiore and he can’t just let that POTENTIAL be wasted). So now Dia 3 is just tweaking trying to get Sebek to hang out with them. They try so many ways but everytime Sebek always has to decline because he either has plans with the first years, Epel, or somehow he gets roped into a trip with Vil! THEY EVEN GOT MALLEUS TO INVITE HIM BUT HE STILL DECLINE(Don’t get him wrong he was absolutely overjoyed that his liege invited him but sadly he already made plans and he would stick with it) At this point if they want to hang out with him more they’re gonna have to reserve a time specifically for what day😭
Each failed attempt is just making Sebek slowly drift away from them without him even noticing! They’re so desperate now😭 Anyways while all this is happening, Sebek is living his best life now hanging out with his friends, having a specific friend now(Epel) and going around more places and being accepted!!! He’s so happy:3
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They’re also so silly for this🤣 like plz why did Sebek look so aggressive at first LMAOO gotta love the team spirit tho!!!
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howlsofbloodhounds · 3 days
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I need to start screenshotting posts i like but anyways
There was one where color tried to get nightmare to learn what mortals need, that at first they didnt have a kitchen so they had to eat while they were out terrorising people.
Just stuff like that, n just generally being bad. Ripping the heart out of a childs chest infront of their mother, forcing someone to eat their pet etc.
Like nightmare is horrible yk
And yk how some people say he does that because of trauma, he doesn't know better and allat.
Okay so take ALL THAT, and let them learn nightmare can love, he has loved, he had a spouse and a friend group, he knows what mortals need, he knows what to do when they are sick he has taken care of his sick spouse before etc.
Basically im just thinking about their reaction when learning nightmare knows their needs, has felt love before etc. But he does it because he can, and it makes him happy (dude is def a sadist after them 999 apples ykyk)
Like obviously its also a fear of being vulnerable and stuff and needing to be the one in power because not being that scares him because villagers decided to hate on a 6 year old, but also he can just be cruel and sadistic 🤷‍♀️
I also feel it’s important to realize that there are those who don’t feel love, or describe themselves as loveless, and has never or would never do half of anything that nightmare has done.
but ultimately, i feel the ones who’d have an issue with it morally off the top of my head are swap, dream, color, delta, cross, epic. possibly many more but that’s my first thoughts.
killer definitely wouldn’t care about it. It’s the least of his concerns. hes too busy surviving nightmare to care about if the man is capable of love or not. he’d only care about it in Stage 2 if it means he could manipulate those emotions in his favor.
i have no doubt that the fawn response is something deeply ingrained in killer—whatever hes had to do to either survive, avoid inconvenience (stage 2) and pain (stage 1), or just whatever will get it over quicker or will make nightmare/chara leave him alone faster.
;would be interesting to explore how killers trauma responses would play out in the context of his dissociative disorder/stages. Especially in the context of one sided killermare where killer has to play his new role as nightmares lover. at most he’ll find small, easily deniable ways to inconvenience, annoy, anger, or upset nightmare. just because he can.
Murder and Horror, i find a little harder to say mostly because neither are exactly free from “sin” themselves so to speak, but they also arent killer; who has lived in this type of environment for years. killer does not have things like shame, anger, embarrassment, guilt, pride, morals, things like that—hindering him, he will do whatever he thinks he must. any emotions like that are greatly suppressed and dissociated—even in stages such as stage 1 where they’re very intense.
i can see this actually being something killer struggles to actually unpack and allow himself to feel in therapy—any anger or hatred towards nightmare or chara. i can see a lot of emotional outbursts from stages 1 and 3.
this is because killer has learned that emotions are dangerous, and wouldn’t get him anywhere. murder’s entire thing is fighting back in an endless loop against his human, and horror refused to be sacrificed to help his AU, fought back, and then went even further by destroying the core, lobotomzing alphys, and then leading Snowdin into eating humans seemingly just to spite Undyne.
I doubt they’d care at all if nightmare is capable of love or care or not, they’d probably not like him regardless. and whereas killer is unable to even really hate nightmare due to the danger surrounding such emotions (especially in stage 2, although im sure he’s very capable of despising nightmare in stage 3), horror and murder definitely could hate nightmare. which would mean their negative emotions are directly making nightmare stronger lmao.
{ @brokenramunebottle }
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spaghett-onaplate · 4 months
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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sparklehoard · 4 days
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Aaah. So it's neverending huh.
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alstroemerian-dragon · 6 months
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chiaki is such a good and interesting character. wish she was in a better game
#personal#do you ever wish danganronpa was better gkdjfjskkfks#literally the only interesting thing that the anime ever did. To Me. was make chiaki a real person#because if you just take the game on its own its basically. she was just a computer program. you cared about a person who wasnt real.#hajime fell in love with a computer isnt that fucked up#but. with the added context of her being a Real Person who Existed. and the reason the program looks like her is that deep down#they all just Wanted Her Back. like that fuckin HURTS DUDE#her death was the last straw it was the final thing. that grief is what drove them all into despair in the end#fuck the brainwashing bullshit. losing chiaki broke them.#like so few of them had anyone in their lives that just. unconditionally cared. without any strings.#but she Did. she loved them all so much. she wanted them all to be so happy. for themselves#and then junko drove them all into their own heads. and then she took chiaki away from them.#no wonder they didnt give a shit about anyone else’s lives. if this is a world that can take something as unconditionally caring and bright#as chiaki nanami and Break Her and Tear Her Apart and Throw Her Away. it doesnt deserve kindness. fuck humanity.#its definitely something they all have to reckon with for a Long time going forward#like. junko haunts the halls of the island’s facilities. but so does chiaki.#not nearly in the same way but shes there all the same#theres definitely a time early on when they finally feel up to talking about her and the other four are discussing who she was before#the Real chiaki yknow#and hajime has to be like. No I Know She Was Different. I Knew Her Too.#and just him having to tell the others that chiaki was basically his only friend when he was in the reserve course#they really have to mourn her twice. fuck dude
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bulldagger-bait · 3 days
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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mieczyhale · 13 days
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"Never apologize for putting stupid in its place."
- t.
#my sister-in-law tracey said this to me in a message last night in regards to me snapping on my dad at her and her husband's#football watch party friday night#i posted about how i didnt feel sorry for it but i did feel sorry that it may have made shit weird for everyone else#her and my brother messaged me separately to not only tell me it was okay but to say they were glad i said something and they#were very happy i had come over and they hoped i had had a good time otherwise 😭#i very rarely snap at my dad - and when i do it's more passive and never in public - so this was different for me#but i'm beyond done allowing him to say whatever offensive shit he wants#be it transphobic or racist or just shit-talking my mom (one of the worst of his many offenses)#i don't think i even said much but the fact that i said anything at all instead of A. ignoring him or B. leaving the situation myself was#apparently very welcome and THIS is one of the many reasons jim (my brother) and tracey (his wife) are some of my favorite family members#maison speaks#note: i have spent my life afraid of my dad and that hasn't changed much even in my 30s but my patience is so goddamn thin when it#comes to bullshit and like.. i dont live with him. i don't depend on him at all. sometimes he gives me money and i appreciate it#but it's not like.. a necessity#so what's he gonna do?? the only power dude has over me still is the remaining fear and panic#but i'm backed up by people now#so#everything will be okay#probably lmao
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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bo0zey · 2 years
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Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening
OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.
sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.
i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .
#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol#anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol#i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious;#ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc#then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close.#next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go.#they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state#i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go.#like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away.#yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u#to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds#if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing.#my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left#in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself#22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world#i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too#i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like#i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this#situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it#ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming.#at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy#while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday#like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh.#i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare#and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth???#truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin#when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!!#its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever#mcr#when will mcr return from the war
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anaalnathrakhs · 6 months
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it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.
mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.
#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD.#EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY#OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH#i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion''#they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them#so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child#they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table#just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase#i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either?#i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them.#i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to.#but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset#quiet at home#and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places#and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway?#keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine?#try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened?#i dont know how to live like a normal person#literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X.#go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book.#because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped.#everything hurts holy shit#broadcasting my misery#vent#ed tw
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slugandthorn · 8 months
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Annoyed in a very normal way that his portrait from school is the same length as his hair during the game. Don't worry about what's in the tags I'm sure it's a normal amount of text.
#.txt#BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ELSE. The long hair is clearly better. i am happy to have the original image over my stupid phone edit.#im fact checking something kn the wiki and apparebtly in the manga he has a turtle neck instead of a dress shirt. gagging#i feel insane for this i cant find an answer. when he killed kens mom he was a freshman it was two years before the beginning if the game.#like. MAYBE he finishes that year. he didnt attend a second year right???#so assuming he actually gets to live. and he goes back to school. hed have to restart there. and at the point junpei and the bunch would#be his upperclassmen and THERES NO WAY he would be able to deal with that. hes getting his japanese equivalent GED.#that was actually a side tangent because. well. anyway.#the MAIN point of the post: how only knowing characters from fiction AFTER a life changing event that has probably caused#a major personality shift and seeing that in his character design.#i feel like this applies. to a lot of my guys. but i feel like its also exacerbated in this case because akihiko and mitsuru knew him before#and we have no idea who that person was HES NOT IN THE FUCKING FLASH BACK AUURGHH. MAKE THE SPRITE.#this is sickening for shinji. given how sweet he is. whilst slowly killing himself. theyre so funny for that.#also design nitpicking. the pale skin obviously. also a controversial thing. i do like him having darker hair in p3d.#even if it was probably done to distinguish him from akechi. light brown hair doesnt suit him as well. imo. the only guy who thinks about it#p3d bias because they gave us the canonical beach outfit we never got and i just want him to have more outfits so bad.#im sorry im not a peacoat fan. ill allow the heels.#CAN I SAY HOW MAD I AM HIS FUNERAL PICTURE IS HIS FUCKING SPRITE. AND NOT LIKE AN ACTUAL SCHOOL PICTURE. JUST GIVE. AN ARTIST A DAY TO EDIT#im watching the funeral now <3 mistake.#insane the school held a funeral for a student who hadnt attended in almost two years.#top ten junpei moments though.#WHY ARE THEY AT SCHOOL THERES NO WAY THEY SLEPT.#mitsuru misses her fucking FRIENDD 😭#i wont be addressing All That Shit the akihiko goes through. know it also makes me 🛀#alright. repressed emotions expressed. back to doing stuff.
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orcelito · 7 months
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Also my ex step family that I lived with from ages 9-17 or so but haven't really spoken to since reached out. They brought food to my dad's place today (we were going through & packing up his closet) and we all hung out for an hour and a half and chatted. And it was surprisingly nice, but also made me ache so very deeply. Bc for my adolescence, this was a family of 6. Then it got cut down to 3 from the divorce. And then I got a taste of how life was, except it was only 5, and also everything is different. I'm such a different person than I was at 17 years old. These people were my family, but I've grown beyond them. A part of me feels like a vulnerable little kid again with them. More of me feels like an assistant manager between jobs with too many exes and an IT degree that's been In Progress for almost 9 years now.
And above it all, my dad is fucking dead. It's an ache that colors everything else in my life right now.
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We’re having an emergency meeting to discuss Chris Johnson and the whitest name ever
absolutely fitting for our white man now innit
#snap chats#speaking of White People and names tho.. i drove out to barnes and noble because if i stayed at my mom's any longer id go insane#and while i was here i read the entirety of My Brother's Husband. VERY good series it was so good i loved it...#its not in my budget today to buy the whole set but maybe one day.. mike flanagan i love you you're so happy and good..#WAIT IT GOT A LIVE ACTION SERIES ????? I HAVE TO WATCH IT LATER I WAS JUST THINKING IT'D BE GOOD AS A JDRAMA#what i did buy today tho was the second volume of The Yakuza's Bias since i loved the first one so much#and ive been PRAYING the second one'd come out soon#i also got another kirby blind box </3 its supposed to sit on your drinking glass but i didnt see who i got yet..#i hope its not meta knight. i love meta knight but i want some variety...#im hoping its the sleeping kirby one but it was hard to hear the difference so idk#and im not checkin til later so i doont get tempted to return what i got to get a new one like a freak ☠️#SO SAD THO when i was getting my stuff they didnt have any more butterfly bookmarks...#i always get one when i go out and sure i have more than enough bookmarks but now it feels weird...#anyway. im gonna get food i havent eaten all day... tho i did want chicken and soju later didnt i...#maybe ill just get something light here i just came here for the wifi honestly lol#god what else did i do.. OH THERE WAS THIS ONE MANGA.#i forget the full name but it had 'akane' in the title so of course i was like 'lol' and decided to read the blurb#IN THE STORY HER DAD'S NAME IS ARAKAWA ? but all of his teachers also have the surname arakawa but theyre not related#arakawa must be a ral impotrant name in the manga.... point is i lol'd#i almost wanna go back to. stopping this post now to do it LOL HANG ON BRB#AKANE-BANASHI THAT'S WHAT IT WAS CALLED and she wanted to be the best rakugo performer after her father's teacher#also named arakawa. As I Said.#failed everyone for no reason#maybe one day ill check it out.. always thought rakugo was a fine art...#anyway im rambling too much im gonna try to write a fanfic. no way in hell im drawing rgg in public LMAO#actually im gonna get food first.. as i said i havent eaten all day... ok bye#anon im so sorry if you ever read these tags LMAO I JUST LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY DAY
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night-dragon937 · 2 years
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gods listening to music of artists that i've gone and seen in concert/at raves and just like. reliving the euphoria of the moment when i was there at the live performance like. obviously sitting at my desk with my headphones is not the same as being at a rave or concert but i can kind of capture some of the memory and those good feels are just smth else
#blog post#tw ahead im gonna go on about some dark shit#kind of? idk#like so when i was younger and struggling#by which i mean when i was suicidal from ages 9-18#one thing i tried when i was 15-18 was making a bucket list and essentially it was stuff i wanted to do before i died because saying#'im at least gonna live to do these things' was SO much easier than saying 'im gonna live the rest of my life' back then#and on that list was going to several concerts (all of which i've done now!!) and like tbh i had my doubts like is a concert good enough#to keep living for (yes) and like what happens after i see these bands in concert (i wait for them to tour again and see them again duh)#(and also see other bands)#and i wish i could go back in time to past us and be like. u were so right. seeing these groups/artists in concert (and the ones i like now#and hadn't heard of back then) is SOO worth it#im so glad i have been alive to go to all the concerts and the rave that i went to in the past year and a half it was so so good#and im so fuckin excited to go to more#there's at least two concerts im planning on going to this spring plus a rave im considering going to (its a three hour drive one way so#idk yet) plus our top favorite band for years is hinting at releasing new music which means a tour!!#im just gettin the feels because im remembering good memories and so fuckin excited to make more good memories#im so glad im alive and honestly that brings tears to my eyes that i can say that totally honestly now#like. i have a cat! i am reconnecting with family i didnt use to be close with! im working on cutting off toxic family! im working on#health issues which is very good. im out as queer and im so happy and proud of that. i have several hyperfixations i love consuming and#cosplaying. cosplaying!! i have so much fun making tiktoks and going to cons and putting everything together its so great!! im starting to#work on my big huge writing project with my coauthors for the first time in years and im soooo excited to revive that old hyperfixation and#share it!! i have an awesome partner who i care very much about and while i recently cut off some toxic friends i have plenty actual#friends that im so glad to have!!#im currently at a job that pays well and that i enjoy which is a win for me and i might possibly be in a position to go back to college#soon which means going into my preferred field which im SO stoked for!! and im actually really excited to go back to college. when we were#in person i had such a great experience and i cant wait to go back#ough
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thatpunnyperson · 2 years
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thebigqueer · 11 days
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Your breakup really really reminds me of my first (and only) wlw relationship/breakup everything you're saying hits home a lot. You will get through it but tbh it's so hard to heal and it still grinds my gears when I think about her and how we broke up. Idk if that helps but I understand what you're going though
YEAH MAN ITS TOUGH OUT HERE FR!!! its not my first queer relationship but like something about this is genuilnely the most world-shattering romantic experience ive had cuz we went into this soooo head over heels for each other like we were literally moving SO fast. and at the time i was like is it ok for us to even be moving this fast (probs tmi but we were literally making out shirtless by like 2nd time we even made out) (probs not a big deal to most people but i experienced a LOT of new things with her that id never experienced befoer & the fact that i was so WILLING to do it so fast was what surprised me the most) but then i was like okk whateverrr i really like how fast we're moving. and i was like 'damn if were moving this fast & if im feeling so good it has to end soon right like theres no way life is going to let me just be happy w this' and then i was like 'no elts not think about it' and then what do you know 5 months later she brekas up w me. and neither of us did anything wrong but it was so random??? like i dont understand how one moment shes telling me how excited she is to spend the entire semester with me and then literally 36 hours later tell me shes not feeling an emotional connection but wont even give us the chance to work it out. i know she also broke it off for personal reasons but its like... this was something we could have TRIED to work out you know!!! maybe it wouldnt have worked in the end but literally nothing felt off to me at all & if id known she was feeling this way i wouldve done my best to make things better. the entire breakup was so sudden and honestly im really not mad at her because i know how nerve-wracking it is to be in your first relationship. i think its just that im really dispapointed she gave up on us so easily you know??? didnt even give us a chance to figure it out
#sorry you didnt ask for a rant but man im not even going to lie the main reason i even rant about this on tumblr is cuz its so much easier#than talking to my friends#not cuz theyre not kind & underestanding and stuff. i mean just generally ive always been better at saying things by writing anonymously#like i never cry on my friends but this was the first time ive ever done that and even then#every time i tell someone i broke up with her i generally dont feel anything i feel like im just retelling a story#other than that one time i cried on my firend#like its just so much easier ranting on tumblr than telling my friends. also if eel really bad ranting to my friends#cuz i know they care abou tme but also like how much of 'i want her back' are they going to take yk??#every time i get tipsy i start complaining about how much i miss her and these past few weeknds my friends have heard an earful of tipsy me#like i jstu dont wnat to burden them like that#but yeah anyway. i feel you anon this shit is so hard#and i feel like the other thing is when its a hetero-presenting relationship friends find it easier to be like 'fuck him / her!!'#and obviously thats not always going to make the person feel better cuz EVERYONE is complex but in a way its nice feeling that support from#friends. but my dating experiences have always been queer and i feel so guilty any time someone says 'fuck them! youre out of their league'#because like the thing about queer dating is i feel so much more understood and it all feels so much more intimate#and when you cant even get a 'fuck them' from your friends it just feels so alienating in a way#idk how to explain it#obviuosly if the ex is a cheater then its valid to be 'fuck them' but in my case none of them have cheated & theyre both very copmlex peopl#weve all done probelmatic things to each other yk#i think its just like. how am i suposed to get over her when our relationship doesnt feel like it should have ended at all#like it was NOT our time!!! NOTHING felt off or wrong or anything!! i thought we were really happy!!#i think she broke it off in part because she was afraid of the moment things went wrong but man this hurts much worse#cuz at least if things started going wrong it would make SENSE to break it off. but BEFORE things go wrong? this pain just feels unnecessar#anyway heres to hoping my insta stories trying to look hot convince her that she messed up and she should totally date me again#and well live happily ever after for at least a few more months#anon tag#asks
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