#sorry had to get it out i am currently gnashing my teeth and sobbing about her

[camelspit]

I LOVE SOPHIE FOSTER !!!

[elsanna-shenanigans]

April Contest Submission #27: Chocolate is love.

Words: ca. 2100 Setting: canon Lemon: no CW: Borderline insanity, helplessness, regret, angst

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I lurch upright up to the harsh sound of pounding on my wooden door.

Door pounding. Head pounding. Heart pounding.

The steady pitter-patter of rain calms me to think. I slow my thoughts trailing with fleeting tails of dreams.

I let out a held breath and grip the bedsheets below me, my current lifeline to reality. The faint sound of thunder mocks my dreariness from afar.

My mind is swirling in subconsciously concocted memories from another existence, one where I relive the daunting past endlessly. In all my omnividence of every dream, I saw no way to avoid the inevitable. I hurt her.

Fear overwhelms me in every dream. Fear that I could not control my powers, I told myself. (Cursed with these powers—I lied to whom?) 

But I know the truth. Truly, it was frightening, envisioning an event where I could not control—my powers. Myself. Fear that I would make a mistake. Fear that I would hurt Anna.

But I know Anna loves me.

I dream of the past, a harmful, distressing past. I wake up to the present, secluded as to not relive history. But I avert my gaze from the future.

Sleep never was easy and never lasted long. Insomnia, the books called it; writers made it sound like a disease, something I could cure. Can you cure one who inflicts pain upon themself?

Initially, I attempted to prevent nights like these: Keeping the room fully lit. Asking Kai to wake me at the slightest stir. Resting my head on a stack of pillows. Being so tightly wound in furs—and fears—that I could not release myself. But sincerely, I knew that these physical actions would not be a remedy.

And, like every night, the familiar realization hits, bittersweet, like the final note of a perfectly played piano composition.

Awake or asleep, I can never escape the nightmares. 

A muffled sniff, and then repressed sob. As always, the dismal sounds originated from the figure outside the door.

Why does she come to me? I rarely spoke to her, and if ever, I drive her away. This girl lacks discouragement.

Does she know Elsa loves her?

Because I truly do. With all my heart. Not once have I stopped loving her. But how would she know?

Why do I look forward to her visits? Because I know Anna loves me. Thunderstorms, cloud, snow, and a slight drizzle—my migraine grows with my ambivalence towards allowing myself to love Anna.

She cries outside my door time after time, so often that it has always felt peculiarly familiar. And yet my dreams always manage to reflect my current state of mind, like a warped mirror would display its host in a cloudy, grotesque light. But I took it for truth. What else could I do, other than hurt people? What else could I be, other than—

The room flickered with lightning, and thunder followed—the inevitable boom and rumble, louder than the last. When lightning strikes, thunder follows. No power of man can stop this action of nature. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside my mind, my heart. The rain, indifferent to the turmoil, poured harder, attempting to drown out the cracking noise of its older brother, thunder. Her crying continued. 

The queen, stoic, impassive, erudite, didn’t not care. I really did care, and believe I still do care. But my act must remain phlegmatic as ever, to stay strong. I shed not a single tear. Fear would lead to fragility, and I could never, would never face the shattering impact. I absolutely cannot give in. If I were to make that single mistake, consequences would follow with terrifying repercussions. Papa, is there no other way?

Conceal.

“Elsa… I’m scared,” came a trembling voice from the door—nonetheless, a voice sweet as honey, but tainted with fear. A voice as heartwarming as the fire of a blazing furnace, capable of warming an entire castle. But tonight, the fire faltered.

My sister was frightened. Presumably because of the storm. But why come to me of all people? Because we are biologically related and supposed to comfort each other?

“Please, Elsa, just let me in…”

I didn’t budge. I never did. But yet this charmingly frowzy-haired, stubborn girl was almost, dare I think, adorable. But in time, she would make her way back up to her room, undoubtedly hurt by her older sister. When lightning strikes, thunder follows.

Yet I always considered that one forbidden possibility…

I can’t. She would be even more hurt if I opened that door.

Did she want in to comfort me? Did she think I was frightened? Are her motives of selflessness, while I wanted her in out of selfishness?

But I know Anna loves me.

Head pounding. Heart pounding. Door pounding.

Anna was furious or in terrible distress. Rarely did she ever pulverize my door as she did now. My concern rose as swiftly as my ice spread across the room.

And with a resounding crack, I heard her sweet voice, corrupted with insanity.

“—this goddamn door! Elsa! Let me in!”

My concern turned into terror. Anna never resorted to such violence, not even with a slab of wood. Was something wrong? Is Anna (physically) hurt? Have I done something (unusually) wrong?

I wait. Hold my breath. Count to ten. Pray that Hell or Heaven lets me in.

I briskly stood up due to the lack of noise on the opposite side. Why is she so irrational today? My heart—bursting through my chest; my head—imploding due to my overwhelming thoughts. Please be okay, Anna.

I took a few steps away from my bed.

Head pounding. Heart pounding. Yet the door remains silent!

I quickened my pace. She needs me.

Suddenly, the most wretched sound reached my ears. Disturbed my mind. A whisper of a broken, fractured, wounded, “…please…”

And I stumbled. Inadvertently, I had tripped over my own fears and hit the ground hard. And the world darkened. Thunder chuckled.

And fear took the liberty to enter my head.

It’s hard to mask the pain.

Acting as a queen is not easy.

I push it away.

Pain.

I’m content, am I not?

The floor inflicts pain.

My head is topped with pain.

A flurry of emotions.

My thoughts bring pain.

My heart twists with…agony.

Shallow breaths. I know Anna loves me.

Days in the snow.

Memories.

Sledding over a mound.

Clarity.

The fjord where we snuck off to skate.

Slippery.

She giggles. The laugh is soft, squishy.

My feeble hands yank at my hair.

Why must I feel misery?

I desperately claw at the floor. 

Why do I partake in a horrifying state of mind?

Teeth gnashing. Breaths shallow.

Suffering.

Why do I speak when my words are blood?

I am vile.

Why do I think when all my thoughts bring pain?

Make it stop. Stop.

Why do I breathe when my breaths are knives, in my lungs, in my heart?

I beg for numbness.

Why do I live?

All I feel is anguish. I can’t take it.

Why do I love?

Screaming,

they can’t get to me,

they can’t get to me.

They can get to her through me.

It really does hurt.

Does she bring hurt?

She likes warm hugs.

I like warm hugs.

I push her away because I don’t like warm hugs.

No.

I push her away because I hate

myself.

Distress.

And a deep, choking gasp. But I know Anna loves me.

Separation 

Conceal. 

is agony.

Loneliness

Get up.

is agony.

Self-hatred 

Don’t feel. 

is agony.

Chocolate

No.

is

AGON—

No!

The eye of the storm. I splintered, wrecked, like a chandelier of ice crashing on the ground.

Tears streamed down my face. Depressingly pudding on the floor, like a storm that would not cease its melancholic precipitation. Eyes tightly closed, jaw clenched shut. My pathetic form writhed on the floor.

I did not shriek. I did not wail.

I silently shattered. I could not let her know I was suffering. Nonetheless, I needed to feel warmth from an embrace. From Anna. Do I really know Anna loves me?

For the first time in my life, I was cold.

I longed for the feel of her arms around me. I shivered. Wrapping my arms around me I shook. With the cold, with fear, with sorrow. Getting up is difficult.

“Elsa… I’m sorry for anything. Whatever I did, please forgive me.”

I speak, in my mind. If only I could tell her. You’re not hurting me. You’re the only thing keeping me grounded to the world. I’m only still living because I believe Anna loves me.

Her voice cracking, “I-I know you don’t even care about me—” a sniff, “—or if you’re even listening to what I’m saying right now.”

Anna… you couldn’t be more wrong. I care about you because…I know Anna loves me…?

“I came tonight as my last chance. To see if I was wrong.” A depressing chuckle, as twisted as a deliberately wound rope.

Her final plea at Gethsemane.

“I wasn’t.”

A long sigh. The turmoil of rain slowed, softened.

“I want the best for you. Don’t…don’t worry about me…” a sob. “I want you to live your life. Leave yourprison of a room. If you won’t see your own sister, at least…please…”

She slowed her breath, calmed herself, and controlled her thoughts and words.

“If I leave your life, will you be happy?”

No. I’m not hiding from you. I’m hiding myself from you… I know Anna loves me, right?

Selfish as it was, I needed her to say it.

“I-I know I’m a burden, and I just want you to be happy.” A breath as sharp as a knife—I hear it tainted, corrupted. “You’ll never have to see me again. Ever. Kristoff will take me somewhere far.

"And if somewhere deep inside, you do care about me…don’t feel bad for me. At least you won’t have to be hurt…”

A pound of a heart.

“…when I’m away from you.”

No. She wouldn’t leave me. I need to know if Anna loves me.

It was a struggle. Like starting a fire on wet lumber. I manage to pathetically whisper, “Please…say it…out loud.”

She didn’t hear. I need to know. I need to know before anything. 

I know—

“Know I loved you Elsa.”

A strike to my heart.

Her tears fell to the floor like blood dripping from a fresh wound. Dripping, dripping…

A pause on her end. She was waiting for something, for anything, a sign that I even heard her.

And I would not respond. What could I do? Open the door and destroy everything I had struggled to attain, nested in this room for years for?

Her footsteps receded into the vast expanse of the castle. She was a tiny speck in Arendelle. She believed she was a minute portion of worthless life in the entire world. Because of me.

And realization hit for the second time tonight. My eyes snapped open with absolute terror. For once in my life, I had to look to the future. If I didn’t act, Anna would not be there to love me. She wouldn’t come back to my room door, and I would truly be alone.

But I couldn’t move. My body was frozen. My mind was numb. 

She wouldn’t. I know Anna loves me.

Awake or asleep, I can never escape the nightmares. 

I call out, “…Anna,” but my voice yields barely a whisper. I manage to sit up. My breaths grow faster. I slowly stand up, wobbling, and manage to stumble over to the door.

“Anna.”

I know Anna loves me. A breath. I frantically jerk the door handle trying to get it open. Shove my feeble stature against the door. 

“Anna!”

I know Anna loves me. A gasp. My sister is on the other side. She’s going away. I need this door open, open please, please, please. I begin to pound on the door, desperately trying to get it open. My deranged state leaves me helpless, as Anna’s departure does. My powers fail to get past my frenzied emotions and dissipate.

“Anna!”

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Anna’s ears were invaded by the pounding on Elsa’s door. She would never forget that sound. Head pounding, heart wounded, tears streaming down Anna’s eyes, she ran. Ran from the desperate cries of her sister who knew Anna loved her—and she didn’t look back.

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

The rain ceased to fall. Lightning did not strike. Thunder did not follow.

Elsa, Queen of Arendelle, was alone. Doused in pain. Cursed to suffer. Internally screaming. Frozen by distress. 

The sweet treat tastes bitter. Where there once was love, now rests…

Agony.

Door silent. Head silent. Heart collapsed.