#sorry i promise i'm not intentionally ignoring everyoneee ily

[eunahfmdarchive]

painting - partial lyrics + partial composition credit. date: early january 2020 / may 2020. word count: 834, excluding lyrics. mentions of eunah’s ex from last year. also, i almost forgot but there’s a reference to the climb in here, yeehaw. ALSO CW: some minor allusions to eunah’s eating and body image issues, and some discussion of sex ( totally non-explicit ). so sorry, i am very tired and forgot to say this in my haste to post.

she should still be enjoying mezzanine and its title track’s success, and a successfully wrapped set of promotions, but eunah can’t. instead, she listens back to the mini-album and feels bittersweet about it already, cringing as she hears the cheery notes of i’m not in love with you’s intro play. the title and the lyrics were supposed to be tongue in cheek, poking fun at their slowness to admit their feelings to one another. now, the title is just simple fact. she’s not in love with him. that’s fine, the feeling is mutual. 

still, she can’t get him off her mind. eunah wonders why she didn’t dedicate this much time to thinking about him when they were together. is she too cold? is it because of her hyper focus on her album? is it because of her body? anything but that. she’d like to believe all the sweet things he said were true. that’s how she wants to remember their time together. 

eunah’s no artist, but she still doodles something that looks a little bit like him in the margins of her notebook. 

at a misty dawn i paint you the clouds that i painted with a brush make me remember you i paint you again ... the moonlight is coming in i open my eyes and quietly be with you again

‘painting’ sounds nicer than ‘drawing’, as far as she’s concerned. the scenes she imagines, the memories she conjures up when she recalls their time together look better as paintings too. eunah imagines them moving through life animated like they’re in loving vincent.

when you call my name when you stroke my hair the memories of you and me i’m falling down i can’t tell you, please love me come to me and hug me yes, i’m afraid there’s no one here

her thoughts and feelings look so dramatic written down, almost erring on the silly side once she’s read them over a couple of times. eunah sniffs back a tear, shutting her eyes tight for a second before leaning back on her window sill perch and laughing. she wonders, does she really care this much about this guy? about this relationship that couldn’t make it through one promotional cycle? that obviously means that they ended for the best, right?

or does this mean something more? would any relationship be able to withstand her busy schedule? eunah’s had her fair share of lovers, more than she thought she would. ( the total is three. ) but either it’s never gone past the stage of purely physical and friendly motivations or the earliest stages of real feelings. even this had only lasted a couple of months. 

eunah figures she’s probably a dime a dozen. it wouldn’t take long for a guy to find a girl like her who isn’t so busy, or who isn’t so sad. a girl like her, except she’s more willing to put out. that’s okay too. eunah wishes she could be a bit more like that girl, wherever she is, and a little less like the sad sack sitting with her head against the windowpane.

when you call my name when you stroke my hair the promises between you and me i’m falling down i can’t tell you, please love me come to me and hug me yes, i’m common i’m just a common girl

discouraged in spite of her recent emotional progress, it’s months before eunah revisits the song. she’s not so cut up anymore, and has her sights set on someone else. she cringes at how raw she’d apparently been back in january, but she sees potential in the pages nonetheless. she’s been thinking lately, how she’d like to write something simple that’s still an ear worm, something that builds upon itself as it goes. sitting at her piano, eunah fiddles around with the words of the lyrics for a handful of hours so that they line up better with the melody she’s trying to create, until the syllables fall perfectly into place. by the time her phone alerts her to say that it’s three in the morning so she should get her ass in bed, for once, eunah can say with no doubt in her heart that she is quite pleased with herself.

it’s comforting to think that even her worst experiences can turn into something useful. eunah never expected for her road to recovery to be an easy one, and she always knew there would be setbacks, but to come out of one mostly unscathed feels better than she’d expected. there’s no mountain she wouldn’t climb now, not like before when she shied away. it doesn’t matter how fast she gets there, or what’s on the other side. she can only assume there’d always be another mountain. isn’t that how life goes?

eunah smiles as she drifts off to sleep, satisfied and proud. not just because of the song.

the next day, while her good mood is still leading the way, eunah finishes the melody for what she thinks will be the chorus of a song. she enjoys playing around with it, using her and lux’s home studio to record herself singing it a few different ways. softer, more like a whisper. then, powerful, belting out the woes within. they’re not her own worries anymore, and singing them doesn’t hurt her at all. like she’s rehearsing for a musical, eunah gets into character for her final recording take. 

she’s a girl, looking out at the snow on a winter night, and she’s afraid she’s unlovable, maybe even cursed.

and when the recording is over, eunah is a girl wheeling back and forth in an office chair, smiling to herself as she anticipates a good summer.