#sorry i'm triggered today and i just wanted to let out some of the recurring thoughts in my head | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

totalbetty · 2 years

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Touch || Lee Jeno - IV.

description | In a world where everyone has a soulmate, but not everyone is destined to meet their other half, Ru didn't think she could be an exception. After all, what kind of story starts with an ordinary, teenage orphan like her? However, all that changed when her eyes met his: big, dark and mysterious.

chapter sixteen.

Poppies are strange.

Jeno had never given the flower a second thought but there he was, lying in bed as he flipped a tiny button in between his fingers.

The curtains were drawn, darkness aligned with silence. The scarce sunlight seeped desperately through the loose folds of the hanging curtains. Saturday wasted away as his eyes fixated on the red of the poppy.

He had forgotten all about the button until it rolled out of his wallet this afternoon when Donghyuck tried to borrow some money from him. Now it was the only thing on his mind.

How long has it been since she gave him this button?

Maybe a few weeks, almost a month. He couldn't be bothered to count, but it felt like an eternity ago.

He recalled that day— the busy streets, her nervous smile, the barely contained excitement as she looked at buttons, and his visible confusion at her enthusiasm for it.

Above all, he remembered one recurring thought he had throughout that day, something he kept to himself for the most part: what if there was something between them?

Even then, he knew there couldn't be. Maybe he should've spared her feelings, told her that whatever she thought they had wasn't real, let her walk away then and there. But he didn't, and now here they were.

Friends.

When did he become so comfortable around her? How did she fit herself into their lives so seamlessly, as if there wasn't a time she wasn't a part of it?

What if there was something between them?

His fingers rubbed against the soft fabric of the button, a way to keep his hands occupied just as his brain was. The question had been so worn out, wrinkled and ripped around the edges that he couldn't be bothered to try and answer.

And if there wasn't?

He inhaled a sharp breath.

Then he owed her nothing. Just like he had believed, like he had hoped when they first met. He certainly didn't have to help her find her soulmate, whoever the idiot may be. It was the last thing he wanted to do.

Damn... Life was so much easier when he didn't have a soulmate...

Essentially, he still didn't. But things were better when he never questioned it.

He dropped his hand on his side, his muscles sore; he didn't even realize that he had been holding his hand up for more than half an hour.

Suddenly, the door to his bedroom burst open and Donghyuck marched into the room, his loud energy a clashing contrast to Jeno's mellow mood.

"Yo—" Donghyuck paused, stopping in his tracks— "have you been in bed since I left??"

Jeno groaned, shifting in his bed and facing away from Donghyuck.

"Dude, get up—" Donghyuck threw his pillow at him; Jeno felt the sudden blow hit him on his back and he groaned even louder. He sat up, glaring at Donghyuck as he held up the pillow threateningly.

"No, wait—" Donghyuck raised his hands in defense, a nervous smile forming as he tried to keep a serious face— "I'm sorry, seriously!"

Jeno narrowed his eyes. Normally, this was when he would beat the living hell out of Donghyuck, but he just didn't have it in him today.

Jeno laid back down on his bed just as Donghyuck walked over to the window. Without any warning, he ripped the curtains open, allowing the sunlight to spill into the room.

He groaned again, raising the comforter over his head to block out the light. How could it still be so bright in the afternoon?

Donghyuck walked over to his side of the room, rummaging through his drawer as he casually mentioned, "Ru wants to meet up with us in an hour, so get ready."

Under the covers, his head shifted.

"Why?"

"I don't know man, do I look like one of her girlfriends?"

"A little bit, yeah," Jeno mumbled unenthusiastically.

"Why, thank you," Donghyuck giggled in a false high-pitch voice; Jeno didn't have to look over the covers to know he was pretending to flip his luscious, non-existent brown locks.

Could they just go without him?

"Come on—" Donghyuck nudged Jeno's ribs with his foot— "I don't wanna be late, I still feel bad about what happened with us getting attacked."

Jeno scoffed— "not my fault."

"Jeez, stop being so cranky—" Jeno felt something thrown at him from over the covers— "How was I supposed to know they were gonna show up in the court? I was just trying to cheer her up."

This time, Jeno lifted the comforter off of his face, facing the preoccupied boy. "Cheer her up?"

Donghyuck didn't even look up; he was busy charging his phone under the desk. "Yeah, you weren't even there but she found out the night before that her foster mom's got a tumor."

Jeno felt his heart drop. He sat up on his bed, still facing the boy busy rummaging through his clothes.

"She told you?"

"Yeah, she was, like, super distracted that day—" Donghyuck lifted off his shirt, throwing it into the clothes hamper— "I think she might've even been crying the night before."

His jaw clenched. He watched as Donghyuck casually slipped on a black t-shirt, a new icky feeling growing in his stomach. Why did she tell Donghyuck?

Jeno finally willed himself off of his bed, walking to the bathroom.

She didn't tell him, but she told Donghyuck. Not that he could blame her, though— he knew he had been distant from her these past few days. It's not like he had made it easy to talk to him.

"Sucks you had a headache that day." Jeno heard Donghyuck add.

Jeno paused in contemplation. Well, he didn't have a headache that day— he did the night before.

He stood motionless in front of the bathroom sink. He couldn't even begin to process his thoughts when Donghyuck hit him in the back of the head again with his hoodie— "quickly!"

Jeno grabbed the hoodie and turned around towards Donghyuck. "I swear to god—"

Donghyuck yelped, backing away towards the corner of his bed. "Ey okay, I'm sorry— stop!"

⭒⭒⭒

Ru sat at the corner of her seat, her knees bopping incessantly. She had been waiting in the cafe for over half an hour now. Jia and Chohee were beside her, talking amongst themselves in excited whispers; they didn't seem to notice her lack of enthusiasm.

Jia had chosen a chic and classy cafe somewhere a little further from their area. The place was mostly covered in clean and blinding white furniture, with several shelves displaying modern architecture books and artistic murals.

One thing Ru noticed from the moment they arrived was the abundance of couples this cafe had. Everywhere she turned, there was a couple sharing a meal or cuddling in a booth. Her stomach churned at the fact that she was about to stick out like a sore thumb.

Never mind the fact that she was dateless— even her outfit didn't match. She was just wearing shorts and a tight-fit shirt. Jia and Chohee, on the other hand, had on pretty skirts and elegant-looking blouses. They had their hair done up smartly, while Ru's plain, black hair sat loosely on her shoulders.

"Ru, did they text you yet?" Chohee asked, trying to peer into the phone on her lap.

"No—" Ru checked her phone— "not yet."

"Again, Ru," Jia interrupted, her eyes soft on Ru, "thank you so much for making this happen."

"Yeah," Chohee continued, "we promise you won't have to wait much longer."

Ru nodded lifelessly. The boys better get here soon.

As if her prayers were answered, the glass doors to the cafe swung open. Donghyuck spotted her first, giving her an animated wave as he skipped over. Jeno walked lazily behind Donghyuck, his hands tucked into the pockets of his grey jacket hoodie.

"Hey Ru," Donghyuck greeted. He finally noticed Jia and Chohee sitting beside her, and he raised his eyebrows in mild surprise. "Oh, hey— you guys are here too."

Chohee giggled as she fake-pouted. "Aw, does Donghyuck not want us here?"

"Actually—" Donghyuck fake-contemplated and turned around, pretending to walk away.

Chohee gasped in between chuckles. "You're so mean!"

Ru looked away, feeling herself cringe a little. Jeno was still standing in silence, watching his friend laugh along with the girls.

Why won't he look at her?

"Jeno," Jia's voice caught both Jeno and Ru's attention. "Will you come and help me order?"

He was silent for a moment, but then nodded. "Yeah, of course."

Jia gave him a pretty smile. Ru couldn't help but watch as they walked away.

Jia's shoulders occasionally brushed against his arm as they stood behind the counter, making their order. Her eyes were bright, twinkling as she spoke to him. She must've said something nice, because Jeno flashed her a subtle, little smile.

She felt her heart drop.

She wanted to look away, but she couldn't.

Just last week, he gave her that same smile. It was her shoulder bumping against his, her jokes he laughed at—

"Ru." She felt someone nudge her shoulder.

She looked to her left to find Chohee giving her a furtive look. Her eyes darted momentarily towards Donghyuck; he was busy texting on his phone.

Chohee whispered, excitement in her eyes. "You can go now— if you want, of course."

"Oh right, yeah—" Ru shook her head. She got up from her seat, suddenly feeling awfully out of place.

"Hey," Donghyuck suddenly called her, "when are Jaemin and Renjun getting here?"

Chohee gave Ru a prompting look.

"Oh—" Ru's eyes darted quickly between her two friends— "they couldn't come, actually."

Before Donghyuck could reply, she interrupted him. "Actually, I uh—" she pointed at the door awkwardly— "I have to go. Tell Jeno and Jia I said bye, okay?"

Donghyuck furrowed his eyebrows. "Okay—"

"—Aww, bye Ru!" Chohee waved cheerfully, wiggling her eyebrows as she shot Ru a sneaky smile.

Ru didn't look back as she walked out through the glass door. She felt her body shiver as the cold, evening air blew through her in one swift blow.

She gave the cafe one last look, and that's when she met his eyes.

His big, dark eyes stared back at her, a hint of confusion etched on his face. But she ignored it. She looked away and walked.

Down the street, past other pretty shops. She didn't know where she was going, but she walked anyway. The muscles on her thighs were already starting to burn, but she didn't stop. The cold air invaded her lungs, her throat dry and hoarse as she started to pick up her pace. She didn't even register the warm, orange horizon around her turn into a cold gradient of navy blue.

Whatever, she repeated in her head like a broken cassette.

It didn't matter. She didn't care. It just sucked that she had to be out in the freezing night with nothing but a thin shirt and shorts, is all.

She didn't realize, but her hands were balled into fists— maybe it was from the burning sensation she felt on her chest, or maybe it was the fact that she was freezing.

Slowly, the streets started to get darker, the line of shops replaced with peaceful houses; the dim front porch lights were barely enough to provide light for the street that just seemed to lose its color the more Ru walked.

In the midst of all the houses, she spotted a little convenience store, its glaring white lights spilling onto the street in front of it and rendering all its neighbors invisible. Maybe it was the sudden contrast in lights, but Ru finally slowed down.

With light steps, she pushed through the heavy doors and into the quiet interior of the 24-hour store. It wasn't much warmer inside than it was outside— the air conditioner was still on full blast— but at least the air didn't burn her throat.

Ru knew that it would be smart to get something warm, like cocoa or coffee, but her legs took her to the refrigerated section, looking for the familiar jelly pouch. Her eyes scanned through the various flavor, searching for the pink color until she finally spotted them.

She reached for a peach drink. She knew from the moment her hands touched the icy, creamy-shaded plastic that she should really get something hot, but she took the pouch anyway.

The cashier didn't spare her so much as a second glance as he scanned her item. She paid for her drink, giving him a silent nod 'thank you' before she headed back out into the night.

The crisp air pinched on her skin like prickly little needles.

Downing the cool drink did not help— it felt like her insides were shivering too, but she let the numbing sensation overtake her. With each step, her feet began to lose its senses, and she slowly lost touch with the aching on her thighs.

There was nothing left to see in front of her but the blurry landscape. That only made the image in her head much clearer, almost like it was playing on a screen right in front of her.

Him, leaning against the sofa, shoulders slightly slouched as he forgot about her. His perfect teeth, his eyes crinkled in laughter as he watched her— her subtle demeanor, her perfect smile, her big and innocent eyes.

Why did she have to be so perfect?

She didn't register the tingly pitter-patter on her arms, gulping down the cool substance jiggling within its plastic confines.

The constriction she felt on her chest spread across her lungs like a tree on fire. The manic sensation, however, was buried under the numbing shivers all around her body.

Her bitter and frigid state comforted her. Maybe she wanted to feel this way— the cruel, icy air nipping at her skin, her nostrils burning from the cold. Maybe then this wouldn't be just all in her head.

As she lifted her head to take another shameful sip, she felt the droplets— stronger this time, wetter.

She huffed out a defeated breath.

Great... On top of what felt like a perfectly miserable day, she was about to be drenched in rain.

________________________________________

chapter seventeen.

Fat droplets of icy water shot down from the sky, smashing on her head and shoulders like exploding beads. The gradual increase in violent, incessant downpour of rain deafened her, shredding past her and desperately to the ground.

They cascaded down her cheeks, her eyelashes heavy from the buildup of rain. Soon, it was hard to even see where she was going; her breaths were heavy as she puffed the downpour of water from seeping into her mouth, her eyes squinted, vision obscured.

This was her cue to stop and seek shelter, hide under a tree— anything. But she didn't. Her legs remained static, her shoes releasing a pathetic slosh sound as she took slow-motion steps forward.

Her body trembled, the back of her neck heavy as she struggled to withstand the harsh temperature pressing against her skin. She tried to push down the bubbling anxiety and fight away the realization that she had no idea how to get home.

She pulled her legs forward, her rhythm picking up in waves. With each rapid breath, she fought not to inhale droplets of rain, coughing as the bitter petrichor took over the interior of her mouth.

Breathe.

Her heart was now pounding against her chest, each drum of its pump synced with the collision of her feet against the puddled cement road. Her legs were slowly giving up on her, her muscles numb from struggling against the icy cold shower she was drowning into.

A hitched breath threatened to send her plummeting to the hard floor.

But like lightning, a sudden jolt of heat coursed through her body, the intensity of its warmth centered on her right arm.

Her sight was blurry.

She could only focus on the hand that was now wrapped around her arm, pulling her like a magnet towards an unknown direction.

Before she knew it, the rain ceased from attacking her facial features, leaving her to wipe off the excess water from her face. The harsh shower of rain seemed to be hindered; she looked up in between chokes to find that she was under a large, bushy tree.

She blinked back rainwater, looking up beside her.

Like a dream, he stood beside her; his grey hoodie was a significantly darker shade from the rainfall. His chest heaved as he stared at her through tufts of soaked, jet black hair, his eyes indecipherable under the dim hues of the moonlight.

"Jeno..." the name left her mouth in an unintelligible whisper.

"What are you doing?" His voice cut through the air, fighting to be heard against the thrashing downpour.

Ru looked away, cheeks flushed. "I just... got lost."

The silence between them was loud, so much more prevalent than the background of brutal rain. She focused on the bright city lights over the railing of the road in front of them, feeling strangely disconnected, muted from the rest of the world.

She fought the urge to look at him, but her eyes peeked curiously in his direction. What the hell was he doing here, in the rain with her?

She couldn't tell what he was looking at, what he was thinking, the steadiness of his features like a brick wall as she struggled to see through his tensed demeanor.

Ru cleared her throat.

"How did it go—"

Jeno snapped his body in her direction, his hands tucked into the pockets of his hoodie; he straightened the dampened material.

"What's wrong?" His voice reverberated in a low hum.

"What—" she shook her head, eyes flickering in any direction but his— "n-nothing."

Even though her vision was fogged, she could see his shoulder slump down slightly. Was he disappointed?

Before she could say anything, he shifted his gaze back towards the brilliant glint of the metropolis. She huffed out a low sigh, biting her lips. "Where's Donghyuck?"

He was still. "Sending the girls home."

Right— the girls. In the haze of her dramatic stroll in the dark, she had almost forgotten that she had set them all up on a date.

Wait, was he mad about her setting them on a date?

The cogs in her brain were grinding, analyzing every crease on his forehead like they were a clue to his inner thoughts. Maybe he was mad that she kept them in the dark about the date.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the date. I know you're mad, but—"

"—I'm not mad," his dismissive tone interrupted her ramble.

"Oh," Ru mumbled, looking down sheepishly.

She sucked in a sharp breath, looking around her into the darkness that had nearly enveloped them both. The rain had started to hold back, but was still pouring onto them with vigor, quick droplets of rain trailing through leaves before finding its way to the top of their heads.

Ru's teeth were chattering; she held herself tight, trying to keep the heat from radiating away from her body.

"The rain's not stopping anytime soon," Jeno uttered; she glanced in his direction to see him start to unzip his grey hoodie.

A subtle frown formed on her face.

What was he doing...?

She took a heedful step back; he shrugged the heavy fabric off of his back, letting it slide down his toned arms. He hadn't even noticed the perplexity written on her face— he took one step towards her, and in his silence, he swung the large hoodie around her.

For just a sliver of a moment, a whiff of peppermint masked the earthy and musky scent of the rain and she felt the words get caught in her throat.

She shook her head, a feeble attempt at a protest as she tried to lift the hoodie from her shoulders— "hey, no, you're gonna be soaking wet—"

"Your hands."

His steely eyes stared back at hers, the austerity in his voice leaving no room for argument.

His arms hovered stilly over her shoulders, waiting.

Her eyes diverted to the shiny reflection of puddles beneath their feet. She heaved a tired sigh and slowly, she slipped her small hands, one by one, into the spacey interior of his cotton-soft jacket sleeves.

She stood unmoving as he began to pull the jacket tighter around her. His hands trailed down the cold zipper chain until he found the slider, pulling it upwards and securing her in the cozy confines of his jacket hoodie.

He inched closer, their faces just a spontaneous pull away. He lifted the hood gently over her head. Her heart was drumming, the rush of blood tinting her cheeks.

Stop it. Say anything, Ru. Anything at all—

"Did you at least have fun?" Ru blurted out a mumble.

His eyes flickered down at her soft lips, its glistening orbs reflecting the dull moonlight behind her. They were soft, begging to be understood.

The air built up in her lungs, trapped as she watched his eyebrows crease. His hands began to work its way down the fabric, adjusting the lapels of the jacket hoodie. His shoulders slumped faintly, his eyes now steady on hers.

He exhaled. "Come on, let's go."

He picked up the palm of her hand delicately, clutching her numb fingers and encasing them in his hand.

He walked back out into the rain with his head held high, never looking back. The droplets began to attack her once more, but now hampered by the soft fabric, hindered in the slips of time.

His broad back was her only view, the black material of his shirt imprinted along the curves of his shoulder blades. It was as if everything moved in slow motion: the push and pull of the muscles on his back, the thin grey fog of air that escaped her lips, even the unrelenting downpour of dark, pervasive rain.

Her legs pushed her forward, one pathetic footstep at a time. She didn't know where they were headed, but he did. He moved swiftly, leading her down the concrete slope past darkened houses and barely visible lampposts.

Soon, the new architecture of tall buildings and wide streets signified that they had reached a main road. The white noise of cars dashing past them, the skidding of their wheels against the damp asphalt roads were clearer than ever.

A few meters away from them, a bus had pulled up; its hissing engines barely audible, but enough to have caught Ru's attention, and it seemed Jeno's too.

"Come on—" he gestured at the bus, voice raised over the loud smashing of raindrops over the pavement floor—" that's our bus!"

Ru almost tripped over her own feet as he dragged her in a jog towards the bright, stagnant bus.

One of these days, his long legs would be the death of her... literally.

They finally clambered into the vehicle, both of them struggling for breath. In a split moment, it felt as if the world went mute; the heavy pounding of rain was momentarily erased as a ringing tune dominated the ambience, the frantic beating in her chest suddenly sonorous as she felt a new warmth spread throughout her body.

Her eyes quickly adjusted to the white fluorescent lights lining the roof of the bus. The bus driver gave them dirty looks; Jeno paid the man no attention and tapped his wallet against the card reader.

Beep.

She peered over his shoulder, opening her mouth. "I can pay for—"

Beep.

Her shoulders slumped stiffly. Well, there goes that.

They squeezed through the narrow aisle, past a few passengers that were scarcely scattered throughout the bus. When they finally reached a comfortable, vacant seat towards the back, he stopped and leaned toward one side, creating a small space as he eyed her.

"Get in."

Her eyes narrowed at his gruff tone. What was it with him and bossing her around today? Lately, he couldn't even find himself to notice her existence, but now he's commanding her every move? What does he take her for?

She huffed out an exasperated breath, her eyes staring him down. "I was going to pay for my own—"

The bus released a sharp hissing noise, its sudden motion forcing Ru to take two wobbly steps forward and right against the cold fabric of his t-shirt. Jeno instinctively grabbed her in his arms, steadying her as they both regained their balance.

He leaned his head back, looking down at her in concern.

"Are you okay?"

Her heart was doing it again! She quickly let go of him, trying hard to suppress her frenzied heart.

"Fine, I'm sitting," she muttered incoherently, quickly scooting over toward the warm blue cushions by the big, tinted window.

Her sight was focused on the view outside— it was bleary from all the reflections within the bus, not to mention the crowd of raindrops falling slowly against the glass, but her eyes remained unblinking. She was determined not to look at him at all.

She tried to ignore the damp material pressed against her body as she leaned her back against the fuzzy cushion, feeling a swift shiver overrun her torso.

She let the swinging motion of the seat below her sway her body, her neck craned towards the blurring buildings as they passed her; the streaks of warm, yellow hues emphasized the nighttime ambience so elegantly.

The moon was nowhere to be seen but her eyes scanned the skies languorously, her teeth biting uncomfortably on the insides of her bottom lip. She played with the beads of her stained bracelet, a certain feeling tugging at her chest.

She was supposed to pay for her own ride.

She twisted her head stubbornly; her head was now facing ahead, but her eyes glided curiously to her peripherals. Her shoulders were tense as she glanced at him. He had his head rested against the headrest, his eyes shut.

Slowly, her head began to drift in his direction, his calm and beautiful features mesmerizing her into a fleeting moment of wonder.

What was going on in that head of his, she wanted to know. Were they still friends?

It hasn't felt like it lately.

She knew that she could only hope that they could be anything more, but she didn't think she'd also have to hope they could always be friends. She just wanted him to open his eyes and talk to her again like he once did. Was that too much to ask?

But as if a genie had heard her wish, Jeno's eyes flickered open. Panicked, she snapped her head back towards the window, leaning on its ledge uncomfortably as she scrunched her nose.

She really hoped he didn't just catch her staring at him.

Oh, but he did.

His eyes now studied her small frame, her entire body enveloped in his hoodie. He scoffed internally, trying hard not to chuckle. What could possibly be so interesting out there in the rain?

As he observed her, his lips slowly formed a little frown, his eyebrows knitted in deep mentation.

How did they end up here? Like this?

He sighed.

He knew how, and it was his fault. There was a growing pit in his stomach, but he pushed it down.

It's better this way... They would avoid the hurt, the mess, the trying and failing— the inevitable fail.

For now, he just watched her.

He watched her head bob slightly to the bumps on the road, little locks of raven hair poking out from under the hood. Her hands clutched the oversized sleeves, completely engulfed by the length of his jacket.

His eyes trailed down to her legs where her hands rested. Minuscule beads of rain adorned her pale thighs, the sleeves of his jacket barely covering the goosebumps dotting her legs. He couldn't look away.

He would've stared forever, but the bus came to a sudden halt. His eyes flickered towards the window and he immediately recognized the street. Strangely relieved that he finally had a reason to stop staring at her thighs, he cleared his throat as he stood up, hoping that caught her attention.

She did, because she stood up, the grey fabric falling down on her sides. Once again, he stepped out onto the aisle, providing her with space to pass. She scooted through the seats and down the aisle without sparing him a glance.

He followed closely behind her, and they both stepped off the bus into the cold, dark night.

She moved ahead, her little feet taking big steps. When she continued past the bus stop and stubbornly back into the rain, he followed behind her. The rainfall had slowed into a steadier pitter-patter outside and the raindrops fell down on him like minute pecks.

He raised his eyebrows, watching her in curious amusement. She stomped her way through the rain, the excess sleeves swinging aggressively on her sides. Her shoes were completely soaked, but she didn't seem to care; she plodded into puddles, creating splashes as she walked.

Jeno didn't notice the smirk that had snuck onto his face. He couldn't remember ever seeing her walk so belligerently, but the funny part was, nothing about her looked even the slightest bit intimidating. The jacket hoodie fitted her like a raincoat did a child: her shorts were completely cloaked by the jacket, its sleeves dangling on her sides, the hood draped over her like a fuzzy blanket.

In his blinded fixation, he didn't even realize that they had entered their trusty neighborhood, the glaring fluorescent lights from their neighborhood convenience store making a short appearance.

Soon, they all faded into the background when she finally halted in front of the familiar, tiny black gate. At this point, the energy had been drained from her. She stood in front of the metal barrier, disassociation slowly creeping at her.

She was frozen. Should she turn around, give him a goodbye? But she had been doing so well, ignoring him. Maybe she could give him a quick nod and—

Suddenly, he was beside her.

Her shoulders tensed as their arms brushed slightly. He pulled the latch on the gate, pushing it open. For the final time, he picked up her hand, his soft hand pulling her through the yard until they reached the front door.

The rain halted above them, blocked by the patio roof. She couldn't bear it anymore; her eyes gleamed upwards, a certain glazed look cast over her as he looked down at her. His eyelashes looked thicker from the mist. His eyes were dim, the crinkles enunciated at its crevices.

The hint of remorse on his face would've been visible, if not for the ashen glow of the overhead bulb. But he stood there for a brief, outstretched moment.

"Goodnight, Ru."

He didn't wait for a reply. He turned around and walked back through the narrow path and out into the streets, his head hung low. Slowly, his figure disappeared into the night, and Ru couldn't help but feel a bit of déjà vu.

________________________________________

chapter eighteen.

The skies were a swirl of warm hues, the remaining traces of daylight slowly retreating over the horizon. Inside the cafe, the clear bulbs illuminated every corner and every crevice of Jia's hands as she walked over to their table, setting a tray on the surface.

Jeno joined Donghyuck on the couch, allowing Jia the seat in front of him. Donghyuck turned to the group, his head tilted at Jia. "So, Ru left, did she tell you why?"

Jeno's eyes lingered on the glass doors of the cafe, a cloudy haze casted on his eyes.

"Um, no, not really," Jia replied with half a mind. She distributed each drink carefully, her eyes sharp on each mug as a subtle smile graced her face. "Here's your drinks."

Donghyuck turned to Jeno. "Jaemin and Renjun couldn't come."

Jeno's eyes were knitted. "Did they tell you they were doing something?"

Donghyuck shook his head a subtle 'no'.

Jeno's eyes trailing back to the two girls sitting in front of him. The bright, overhead lighting had given them a perplexing exaggeration of shadows, the lines distorting their faces into an eerie, disproportional dream.

The white noise of brewing coffee and calm chatter faded into the background as he watched Jia stir the drink with one hand, her chin resting on her other hand. "So, how did you guys become friends with Ru?"

Jeno didn't reply. Instead, Donghyuck inquired, "Ru?"

Chohee leaned against the table— "yeah, we're actually curious how someone like her could be friends with you guys."

Jeno's eyes skimmed over to Chohee; he raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Someone like her?"

"I mean, you know—" Jia shrugged nonchalantly, a twinkle in her eyes— "someone as reserved as her."

Donghyuck paid him a barely-noticeable glance before turning back to the girls, tittering. "It's actually pretty funny—"

"How are you guys friends with her?"

Their eyes were now on Jeno. The girls had on a blank expression, like they weren't even blinking; Donghyuck shot him a weird look.

Jeno ignored the silence, his eyes now locked on Jia.

"She's shy," he concluded. "How'd she end up being your friend?"

"We sit next to her in self-study period, so one day—" Jia looked over at Chohee, and they both nodded in agreement— "we just invited her to hang out with us."

Jia looked back at Jeno to find he was still staring at her, devoid of expression.

"So you approached her first?"

"Yeah," Jia chuckled nervously, "for someone as timid as Ru, you'd have to be the first one to talk, right?"

This time, Donghyuck recalled the memory. "You know, she came to us first, actually."

Jia and Chohee shared a mildly astonished look, a futile attempt at masking the uneasy silence slowly overtaking the fine drizzling that tapped the windows; it left the room a cold shade of blue.

"Why did you want to be her friend, then, if she's so quiet?"

The incessant tapping outside got louder; the girls shared a nervous glance, lips tight in puzzlement. Jeno didn't budge; he heaved an exasperated sigh.

"Just to know how someone like her could be friends with us?"

Jia shrunk back in her seat, her eyes shifting between Jeno and Chohee. Her forehead was furrowed— "What?"

Jeno ignored her incomprehension, an irritated chuckle barely escaping his lips.

"How long did you wait before you asked her to set up this date?"

Donghyuck straightened his posture, his perplexity visibly in his parted lips. "Dude, what are you trying to say...?"

"Jeno, we don't know what you're talking about..." Chohee trailed off, biting the bottom of her lips.

He looked away, out into the dark and blurry night; a barely-audible scoff escaped his lips, his shoulders rigid. The others stared as he stood up, stuffing his arms into the holes of his grey hoodie.

"Then I guess you won't mind if I leave—" he adjusted his hoodie, giving Donghyuck a knowing look— "Donghyuck can send you home."

He scooted out of their booth, throwing the hood over his head. His feet took him swiftly towards the glass doors. He encased his hand around the cold, metal handle, only to hear a voice call out to him from behind.

"Wait!"

He craned his neck around to find Jia standing a few steps behind him, a sullen look painted on her face.

"I was too embarrassed to say anything but, yes—" she fiddled with her fingers, her eyes adjusting to his icy glare— "she helped us out with this because she knows I... like you."

Her doe eyes were casted on him, a cutesy smile forming on her face.

"Woah, hold up—" Donghyuck snickered, looking between Jia and Jeno in complete oblivious amusement— "you like him?"

His grip on the metal tightened, his glowering gaze unmoving. He returned a low scoff, barely sparing her a glance.

"Convenient."

He clicked his tongue, turning around. He pushed the doors open and stepped out into the dark night. Jia stood in his wake, the innocent grin wiped off her face as her cheeks began to flush.

⭒⭒⭒

Something was off.

Ru sat under the shade of the tree, her legs crossed and tucked under her skirt. She twirled her phone mindlessly, her vision blank. Sunlight painted the courtyard with a golden tint, its jubilance radiating amongst the students; their energy bounced off of each other in forms of ecstatic laughter and bustling strolls.

Donghyuck was leaning against the tree beside her, munching on a roll of seaweed rice. His spirited conversation with Jaemin, she couldn't really register.

She opened her phone, clicking on a chat she had been re-reading all weekend. It was after the 'date'— after the bemusing walk under the rain with the guy she didn't really want to think about right now.

It was a message she sent had sent to Jia, which read:

Ru: Hey, Jia!

Ru: How was the double date?

The last time she checked her message, under it was a dull little 'delivered' sign that accompanied the text. She felt her heart fall as the sign had since been replaced by a disappointing blue sign: read, 17:01.

Was something wrong?

She had been dreading Monday all weekend, anxious about seeing Jia and Chohee again. Did something happen on the date that she didn't know about?

She scanned the courtyard thoroughly, her eyes trained on the main entrance of their school building. Its doors were propped open, a surge of students constantly occupying the entryway. As her eyes twitched, she waited with a disquieted stance for her friends to walk through the doors.

A familiar face was all she wanted, and after a few minutes of surveying the scene, she found it.

A tall frame stepped into the gleam of daylight, disheveled tuft of hair blocking her view of his eyes. He bounded down the stairs, hands rested in his pockets as the back of his blazer flapped behind him.

His sharp gait gripped her attention; her gaze trailed from his cream trouser, slowly working her way up until her vision met his facial features.

His movements halted, and only then did she realize his glimmering orbs staring right back at her. The world around her slowed— or maybe it was her heart that picked up double its pace— and her throat constricted, her body's subconscious way of reminding her that she needed the air. The shadows veiled the intensity in his eyes, leaving her chest numb.

What felt like an eternity, lasted only a second; he screwed his head towards the side, hiking in the direction of the school mini mart.

Whatever. She inhaled her lung's capacity, her teeth pressed against each other tightly. The moment washed over her in waves of pique as she raked her fingers through her raven hair, tucking them out of her face.

Donghyuck had finished his snack, dusting his hands in satisfaction.

Ru swallowed the lump in her throat, wiggling herself towards Donghyuck's facade in an attempt to distract herself. "So, how did the date go?"

Upon hearing it, Donghyuck let out a slight cough. He nodded in her direction, shoulders shrugged.

"Eh, it was boring—" he showed off a playful grin, wiggling his eyebrows— "and it wasn't fun without you."

She tried to suppress a laugh, shaking her head; what a cheeky boy.

"But really—" she scooted closer, clearing her throat— "did Jia, or Chohee, say anything about me? Or maybe something happened?"

"Why?" Jaemin interjected, earning Ru's attention.

"I texted Jia over the weekend, but she's not answering me."

"Well..." Donghyuck's eyes were squinted, looking falsely into the distance.

His delayed response prompted her to look at the others. Jaemin was sipping on a bottle of soda, side-eyeing Donghyuck in anticipation; Renjun had looked up from his phone, also awaiting the boy's next words.

With eyes darted back to him, her brows drew together. "What?"

Donghyuck raised his hands in defense— "I swear I had no idea how the conversation led to it, but they were talking about you or something?"

Talking about her?

"I was honestly so confused because all of a sudden Jia was confessing to Jeno and it got super awkward then he just up and left." Donghyuck spat out the sentence in one swig of breath, inhaling afterwards.

Oh. She looked down, tracing the outline of her phone with her thumbs. She could feel the pulsing on her chest fall into a rapid pace, her mind trickling with countless little thoughts. She adjusted her shoulders awkwardly— they felt light and breezy.

Her mind constructed its own little scene, replaying a fabricated image of Jeno slipping out of the cafe.

What was this foreign feeling? Was it... relief? It probably made her a bad friend that the news of Jia's not-so-successful double date made the walls of her chest light with air. She tried to suppress the jubilance, focusing on the reality of the situation.

She did wonder why Jia would confess to Jeno so soon. She had been so adamant about keeping it a secret...

Her shoulder dropped, sucking in a shallow breath. Jia must feel terrible— anyone would if their crush walked out of the room right after their confession. Now, she couldn't blame Jia for not responding to her texts.

She tightened the grip on her phone, clicking on the chat once more. The sounds of her clacking keyboard sounded the immediate space around her. She sucked in the wall of her cheek, her mind rattling for something to send to Jia.

But no matter how many sentences she used, with all the different forms of condolences she phrased in subtly varied ways, she just couldn't find the right words.

As if the universe was telling her, 'time's up!', the bell's resonant echoes rang throughout the courtyard. In an instant, the happy-go-lucky atmosphere shifted into a series of rushed steps as all students clamored into the hallways through the front door.

Jaemin groaned as he hoisted himself off the ground, dusting his trousers. "I'm not in the mood for history."

"Who's ever in the mood for history?" Donghyuck retorted, picking up trash he created when he had devoured his snacks earlier.

Renjun stood up with the others, standing behind Jaemin.

"Ru and I only have English, and Mrs. Lim's pretty chill, so... sucks to be you, buddy." Renjun patted Jaemin's back.

Ding!

She immediately opened her text message.

Finally! A text from Jia—

Her shoulders slumped. Spam.

She clicked on the new message in mild irritation. What kind of spam sends a bunch of links and gibberish anyway?

"C'mon, Ru, let's go."

Ru finally looked up from her phone, giving him an assuring smile. Maybe it would be better to come to Jia directly, anyway. She stuffed her phone into her pocket, uncrossing her legs as she stood up.

"Hey, where's Jeno?" Renjun asked the group.

Her eyes flickered in the direction of the mini mart; he must be long gone by now. The other boys gave half-hearted shrugs, muttering a variety of 'I don't know's. It mustn't have been important, because Renjun dropped the subject without another word.

The four of them walked into the crowd of students that were still entering the main entrance. They walked up some set of stairs and she finally parted ways with Jaemin and Donghyuck when they reached the second floor.

They bid each other with murmurs of goodbyes and went off in their own direction.

"You know," Renjun spoke up as they walked with the crowd, "I'm surprised we didn't catch on that Jia likes Jeno."

"Really?" Ru tilted her head. "she didn't really seem close to him."

"Exactly."

It was obvious Ru was confused, as Renjun chuckled and continued, "my mom always said that sometimes the absence of words are the words itself— for someone as friendly as Jia, it's strange that she doesn't interact with him as much. She doesn't really say much to him, which says a lot."

Huh.

"Your mom's smart."

"Well, my genius comes from somewhere, right?"

She rolled her eyes, scrunching her nose as he let out a satisfied laugh.

As they continued to walk down the hall, Ru noticed the girl's bathroom just a few doors down from her designated classroom. She picked up her pace, giving Renjun a quick glimpse. "Hey, I'm gonna use the bathroom— I'll meet you in class?"

"Alright." He gave her a quick nod and she jogged away. As she neared the bathroom, she slowed down until she was met with the opened bathroom door. A conversation resounded from the walls of the bathroom, the words registering slowly into her mind.

She took a nonchalant peek, expecting a group of girls. Instead, she spotted the familiar face of Jia, fixing her hair in the reflection of the mirror, covered slightly by Chohee's back.

"We were nothing but nice to her, and I guess now she just thinks she's all that." Jia concluded, her feminine voice barely discernible over the rush of passing students.

Ru's reflexes pulled her head back from the entrance, her back now leaning stiffly against the wall as she listened.

"Good riddance!" A groan can be heard in the form of Chohee's high, nasally voice.

What were they talking about?

"Hey—" A voice caused her to flinch; she whipped her head to find Renjun giving her a skeptical look.

"Why are you just standing here like an idio—"

"Shhh—" Ru pressed a finger against her lips, pulling him away from the girls' field of view— "it's Jia and Chohee."

Still baffled, Renjun stood beside her, both their bodies now inclining towards the bathroom door in undivided attention.

Jia's slightly muted voice began again. "How much do you wanna bet that Ru's not even that shy? She's probably just doing it to get the boys' attention."

Fire spread across Ru's lungs like a wildfire.

She didn't dare look up to see Renjun's reaction; the blood was rushing to her cheeks as she looked down in embarrassment.

"Ewww, I hate girls like that, they're so fake," Chohee responded, a spiteful tone laced in her giggle.

Looking in a stray direction, Ru whispered in abasement— "let's just go."

She grabbed Renjun's arm in an attempt to pull him away, but he remained rooted to his spot.

"You know, babe, we dodged a bullet." Chohee continued, still unaware of their eavesdroppers. "I wouldn't wanna date boys who like attention-seeking bitches, anyway."

Before she knew it, her grip on the furious boy was loosened as Renjun slipped past her and into the bathroom without a hint of hesitation.

"If anything, Ru dodged the bullet, don't you think?"

The girls yelped, their eyes twitching between the scathing boy in front of them, and a timid girl standing by the doorframe.

Jia stuttered, "R-Renjun—"

"No, seriously," Renjun interrupted, taking a curt step towards the girls, their faces contorted into a vulnerable frown. "Not only are you guys two-faced swines from hell, but you're ignorant enough to convince yourselves Ru's in the wrong? Grow up."

Chohee took a step forward, forcing her head up high. "You're not supposed to be in here," she muttered weakly.

"Yeah, and you're not supposed to be garbage excuses of friends either, but here we are."

The girls were obviously taken aback; Chohee's eyes were squinted in a near-weeping expression. Jia took Chohee's hand, addressing Renjun in a false calamity.

"I'm not going to stand here and let you harass us like this, so we're just gonna leave—"

"No, no—" Renjun raised his palm at the girls— "you girls can stay. With the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth, you should consider moving in here."

Ru was pretty positive she saw the tears well up in the brim of Chohee's eyes. Renjun grabbed Ru's hand, throwing them a spiteful glare before he muttered, "let's go."

Just like that, she was dragged out of the bathroom and towards her next class, a giant lump in her throat threatening to block her airways.

So much for friends.

________________________________________

chapter nineteen.

"Are you done yet?"

Ru had herself laying on the floor, head rested on her arms as she struck a candid pose. The tip of Renjun's tongue was poking out of his lips, his eyes laser-focused on the sketchpad situated on his lap.

"Just one more minute," he muttered incoherently.

Behind them, Jaemin was resting on his bed with his textbook sprawled open. The resonant clicks of his ballpoint pen sounded around the room. They found serenity in their little bubble, muted from the thumps and clatters throughout the house.

"My hands are gonna cramp, hurry up!" Ru gritted her teeth; her eyes were peeking curiously at Renjun's work of art.

"You can't rush a masterpiece, Ru," Renjun advised in a monotonous tone.

"Either way," Jaemin interrupted from up on the bed, "just be prepared to wonder whether your nose has always been that big, or whether your eyes are really that far apart."

"Shut up, it's called artistic preference—" Renjun looked up at his muse— "Ru, don't laugh."

"Sorry," Ru uttered, making brief eye contact with Jaemin; they both tried not to giggle.

"Okaaaay and done," Renjun announced, flipping his sketchbook to show Ru.

"Hey—" a proud smile formed on Ru's face as she took the sketchbook in her hands— "this looks amazing!"

Ru put her fingers over the finished product, admiring the details of his artistic style.

"I get what you mean, though—" Ru turned to Jaemin, displaying the sketch in his direction— "according to this drawing, I can fit the entire content of our maths textbook on my forehead."

Jaemin joined along in her chuckles, dropping his textbook to get a closer look.

"Yes, and what a magnificent forehead it is—" Renjun smirked as he picked up a few of his stray pens from the floor— "you're welcome."

"You're such a good artist, though, seriously. Clearly very creative too—" Ru flipped through the pages, landing on a sketch of a certain animal; she squinted in observation— "is this a bird or a butterfly...?"

"Hey, pass me that blue folder, please?" Jaemin gestured at a folder laying on the desk across the room.

Ru crawled on all fours towards the desk, plopping her hand on the table lazily as she felt for a folder. She grabbed the only document she felt on the table, handing it to a grateful Jaemin; his eyes glazed over her chipped nail polish as he took the file and opened it on his lap.

"Looks like it's time to redo the nails, huh? Your nail polish looks chipped," Jaemin pointed out without a second thought.

Maybe the colors on her nails weren't bright enough, or maybe the state of its polish was wearing off, but Ru had completely forgotten about having done her nails at all. She held out her hands in front of her as she laid down on the floor, observing the badly chipped viridian shade on her fingers.

Truth be told, she had never paid this shade much attention. That was until Chohee mentioned that this lush, verdant shade of green reminded her of Ru. It felt bizarre, knowing something so real and tangible could remind someone of herself.

So when Jia took the half-empty nail polish bottle off the wide array of cosmetics on her table and volunteered to paint Ru's nails for her, she decided then that viridian was her color.

Now the once rich and vibrant hue that rested on her fingernails were chipped and faded. She began scratching the surface of her thumb's nail with her index nail, absent-mindedly mumbling to herself.

"Can't exactly paint my nails with you guys..."

She didn't realize how silent the room was; from across her, another voice replied:

"Bullshit."

She looked up to see Renjun staring at her intently, his eyebrows knitted together in seriousness. "What?" She asked, head tilted slightly.

"Do my nails." Renjun stated.

Ru sat up straight, facing him with an amused smile slowly creeping onto her face. "Really?"

"Yeah, why not?" Renjun shrugged.

Ru flashed Renjun a grateful smile; her eyes glanced over at Jaemin, who was also giving her a comforting smile. Stuck in a silent pause, she looked down, taking a difficult breath.

"Forget about them, sweets." Jaemin advised, a slight shuffle of his bed crackling by her ear. "They were kinda boring, anyway."

"Also," Renjun added, "what can they do that we can't?"

Ru chuckled, shaking her head giddily. "There's really nothing you guys can't do, I admit."

"Exactly!" Jaemin flashed his iconic grin, his full set of white teeth on display. "You wanna go window shopping? We'll go to every store at the mall, even rate your outfits and all!"

"We'll get the coolest— and prettiest— matching bracelet," Renjun chimed in.

"Or make them!" Jaemin exclaimed. "Whichever one you want."

Ru was grinning from ear to ear. "You guys are adorable."

"We're the best!" Renjun puffed his chest. "We're Jia and Chohee 2.0."

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Renjun's lips turned into a disgusted scowl. "Actually, no, scratch that— I don't wanna be any version of them, thank you very much."

The trio erupted in casual laughter. A light feeling swept over Ru; the dusty viridian color was no longer weighing on her mind.

"You know, maybe our supervisor might have some nail polish." Jaemin wondered aloud, "I mean, all girls have nail polish, right?"

Ru snorted with laughter, shaking her head while Renjun stood up, shrugging.

"I'll go see if she has nail polish," he volunteered as he glanced at the phone on his hand. With that, he left the room, the momentary bustle of the house echoing into their room before he shut the door again.

Ru dragged her butt and leaned against Renjun's bed, opposite from Jaemin's bed. She began scraping off the remainder of her nail polish, too engrossed to acknowledge the wavering silence that lingered in the room.

"Hey," Jaemin interrupted the silence with a casual tone, "so how's your soulmate search going?"

Ru barely looked up from her fingernails, studying her dry cuticles. "Not good."

"Really? I thought you were making progress and all. You guys even went to chinatown for 'research', didn't you?"

Ru tilted her head in amusement, giving him a skeptical look through knitted eyebrows. "Why did you say it like that??"

"Nothing!" Jaemin responded in chuckles.

She shook her head in between tiny chuckles. A sigh escaped her lips as she looked down. "Yeah, well it was a dead end."

In more ways than one.

She could distinctly remember joking about a certain Mr. Schlong, drinking smoothies on the sidewalk. Things were fine in chinatown, but now she wasn't quite sure where they stood.

Ru looked up at a curious Jaemin; she exhaled. "Can I be honest?"

"Yeah?" Jaemin responded, his eyebrows knitted in curiosity.

"Maybe neither of us are actually ready to know the truth."

It seemed Jaemin was at a loss for words; he simply nodded, giving her a sympathetic look. Ru's eyes darted towards the bedroom door, wishing Renjun would come through with the nail polish. She didn't want to say it out loud, but maybe she had grown weary of soulmates.

Was it crazy to say she didn't care? Her soulmate could find her or spend the rest of his life avoiding her; she couldn't be bothered to wonder anymore.

She cleared her throat as she stood up. "I'll go check on Renjun."

She flashed Jaemin a quick, reassuring smile before she walked out of their bedroom. Their bedroom was at the end of the hallway of other bedroom doors. She took slow steps, not quite sure where to go.

A sharp turn at the end of the hallway showed her the flight of stairs she came up from before. She trudged down the stairs, nodding politely at another boy her age who had barely spared her a glance.

She walked through the living room to another hallway, randomly scanning the place for Renjun. Lucky for her, she spotted the boy at the end of the hallway, facing the wall with a hand on his hip.

"How is that even possible?" Renjun muttered, almost incoherently.

Ru stopped in her tracks when she realized that his other hand was pressed against his ear, the cellphone sitting comfortably in the grip of his fingers.

"There must be something you can do!" He yelled into his phone, running his fingers backwards through his ruffled hair.

She knitted her eyebrows in confusion. Who was he talking to?

His voice dropped into a sharp, icy whisper, his head leaning forward. "Well then you guys are incompetent little swines—"

He stopped, his fist hovering against the wall in frustration.

"Yeah?" Renjun sneered into his phone, "yeah, well enjoy the last few years of your pathetic life because I'm sure you're going straight to hell after this—"

His words were cut off mid-sentence; he took a quick look at his phone before slapping it on his ear again.

"—Hello?" He asked one more time. The other person must've hung up, because he started clicking away on his phone, muttering, "son of a bitch!"

Ru gulped. Suddenly feeling bad about intruding on his conversation, she cleared her throat awkwardly. "Is everything okay?"

It was clear he never noticed her there; he spun around, a stunned look on his face.

"Hey," he blinked, scratching his nose as he shook his head dismissively. "Yeah, stupid marketing calls— I don't know how they got my number."

She nodded awkwardly, looking down at her feet.

"Oh, here's the nail polish, by the way." He walked over to her, presenting her with about six varieties of vibrant colors.

She gave him a grateful smile, taking half the load off of his hands. She observed the different shades in her hand as they made their way back towards the staircase.

"Which color should I get?" She raised a navy blue shade towards the light to try and see better.

Renjun put a friendly hand over her shoulder. "Definitely not the hot pink one."

"Why?" She looked at the hot pink shade as it glistened under the sun seeping through the window.

"Well, 'cause I call dibs on that one."

⭒⭒⭒

Jeno tossed two big bag of chips on Donghyuck's bed.

"Whaaat, just two?" Donghyuck whined as he ripped open a bag of red Doritos. "You suck."

Jeno rolled his eyes, hurling the plastic at Donghyuck's face. "I'm broke, deal with it."

The sun was setting, casting a perfect and serene glow against the four plain walls of Jeno and Donghyuck's bedroom. Jeno propped himself in bed next to Jaemin, who was staring at the snacks with a mild daydream gaze. "You know what would be perfect right now?"

The others looked over at him; eyes still fixated on the opened bag of chips, he sighed. "Free-flow cola at the mall."

The four of them let out mumbles of agreement. They all knew exactly what Jaemin was talking about.

Jaemin looked up at the others, a bright smile gracing his face. "Hey, we'll take Ru next time!"

Jeno's jaws clenched involuntarily, looking down at his fingers like they were the most interesting thing in the world. The others didn't notice Jeno's sudden apprehension as they continued their conversation.

"Do you guys notice that ever since we met Ru—" Donghyuck stuffed a big bite of chips into his mouth— "we've been in less fights?"

Jeno laughed under his breath. It was true; the only incident after they met Ru would be when she and Donghyuck were chased by the school thugs. "It better stay that way," Jeno warned the others.

The boys nodded in agreement. As Donghyuck extended the bag of chips in Renjun's direction, he looked over at Jeno. "What's up with you two anyway?"

Jeno's eyebrows furrowed— was it that obvious?

Jaemin seemed to think so. He nodded at Donghyuck's statement, glancing at Jeno. "Don't think we haven't noticed how awkward you two are around each other— did something happen?"

"Nothing happened," Jeno muttered, standing up from his bed and walking towards his cabinet. He didn't even know what he was doing; he just didn't want to look at the others.

"Liar, I haven't seen you guys utter a single word to each other in two weeks." Renjun added. "You know what, now that I think about it, every time you come in the room, she leaves."

His eyes squinted at Jeno— "Did you do something?"

Jeno shook his head incredulously, looking over at the boys in exasperation. The rest of them were too engrossed in their claims, however, to notice his distaste for their conversation.

Jaemin pointed at Renjun, his eyes wide with conspiracy. "Remember when she was just about to paint our nails—"

"Wait, you guys were painting your nails?"

"—and the moment we mentioned Jeno and Hyuck were coming, she said she had to go?"

Renjun nodded along enthusiastically, plopping a large chip into his mouth.

Jeno rolled his eyes. "Why'd you think I did something?"

Donghyuck shrugged nonchalantly— "well, she definitely didn't do anything, eh? Ru's the nicest person ever. If any one of you is in the wrong, it's not her."

Jeno scrunched his nose, sending him threatening glares. He huffed out in frustration when the others seemed to agree.

Donghyuck stuck his tongue out, flashing him a mocking smile.

A quick pause ensued— Jeno took quick steps towards the playful boy, grabbing the pillow.

"Wait I'm just kidding, you're the best— STOP HITTING ME!"

________________________________________

chapter twenty.

When she closed her eyes, she could picture it.

The swift elegance that comes with the motion of his fingers, the network of blood vessels running down the back of his hands. Under the grey hoodie, they looked tame— safe to hold onto.

The thick collection of eyelashes that shrouded a mysterious set of glistening orbs, the cherry tint glowing in the shape of his soft lips.

The heavy shadow under his angled jawline, the protruding lines along his neck, disappearing down under the collar of the grey fabric. Veiled under the wide circumference of his hood, his features begged to be loved.

She snapped her eyes open.

In front of her, Jeno's grey hoodie hung motionlessly against the door of her bedroom— physical evidence to her lucid imagination, the only trace of her indulgent daydream.

Three Saturdays ago, he had left her standing, drenched on the porch of her house; the pale hoodie had clung heavily onto her skin. Even after absorbing much of the night's dose of rain, she walked in the house with the scent of him.

First, it was peppermint with a hint of detergent, but whirled in with the smell of muddy rain and smog, it fogged her senses.

She had washed it twice that very night— drenched it with detergent and fabric softener, scrubbed like she was trying to dissolve the fabric. She must return it by Monday morning, quick and simple.

By daybreak, the article of clothing was hanging on her door, dried from the cool vent system that circulated the room all night.

Yet, she laid there on her bed, watching the fabric. Every once in a while, the newly-washed scent would pass her. But it still smelled like him.

Not like peppermint. Not like the hint of petrichor. No— it smelled like the same lavender detergent the Chois had been using for the past two years, the one with the effervescent lady dancing on the packaging.

But now the flower smelled different— the lavender screamed his name, like it was the only thing they knew.

She felt a rippling deep in her lungs, the irritation building up each second her eyes laid still.

Peppermint, lavender— it doesn't matter.

She stood up from her bed, rushing over to the item of torment. She ripped the jacket from its hanger, pulling upwards to connect the stubborn zipper. Her maroon backpack hung on the back of her chair; she folded the jacket hastily, stuffing it into the open mouth of the bag.

It was her fault she overslept that very first Monday; Jeno's bulky hoodie was not even in her field of vision when she rushed out the door, collar cocked up and blouse badly tucked.

It started as a simple case of distraction. On Tuesday, she was only reminded of his hoodie when she had vaguely spotted Jeno in passing, covered in a wooly, navy blue hoodie— she promised she'd bring the jacket on Wednesday. On Wednesday, she promised on Thursday. Thursday, then Friday. Before she knew it, the week had blown by like a subtle breeze and Ru still had his jacket.

Now, it had been nineteen days since it first came in her possession, and she no longer knew how to return it to him. Last night, she even considered burning it— it didn't seem like he'd miss it, anyway.

Maybe it was an overnight epiphany, or maybe she had finally gotten sick of the pestering noise in the back of her head, but she woke up this sullen, Thursday morning set on returning it to him.

Well, not exactly to him. She knew she had class with Donghyuck before recess, so she figured she could hand it to him to pass on to Jeno.

She zipped up her worn out backpack, slinging it over her shoulder. In hindsight, she knew it seemed like a petty route, but it was better than burning the thing.

She slipped into her fuzzy socks, clambering down the stairs past Mrs. Choi in the kitchen. Cho put on her shoes, shuffling to the table to give Mrs. Choi a quick hug goodbye, and she was out the door.

Her tattered soles roughed the rocky asphalt, resuming her all-too-familiar route to school. The balmy air comforted her lungs as she walked down the street; a good day for the city, no doubt. For her, she knew it was going to be subpar at best.

Not only did she have the slight bulk rough-housed into her backpack to weigh her mind, but she also had physical education, first period.

Again, subpar.

⭒⭒⭒

Starting physical education class, Ru was convinced her mind wouldn't be able to stray from the grey hoodie that now rested in her backpack. It was only when she was walking down the stairs in the line formation that the coach urged them to maintain, that she realized she had one other thing to occupy her.

"Let's move Jia, I'm not really in the mood to stand behind a fake bitch." A nasally voice rang in the air behind her; Ru knew the voice all too well.

Shut up, she thought as she inhaled a sharp breath.

For the past two weeks, she had been avoiding her former friends like the plague. On the other hand, the girls didn't seem to mind being around Ru— in fact, they've taken any opportunity they could to whisper rude remarks when they're around her.

Jia's once-sweet voice whispered somewhere behind her. "It's better than standing in front of her, though. At least here, she can't stab us in the back."

Ru felt the heat spread throughout her body; her sympathy was running thin. Balling her fists, she mumbled to herself, "shut up."

She must've mumbled a little too loud, because there was a brief stunned silence; Jia cleared her throat— "excuse me?"

Ru rolled her eyes. Still walking down the stairs, she muttered a little louder, "I can hear you."

A loud scoff sounded behind her. "So?" Chohee retorted.

In the heat of the moment, Ru spun around, stopping to face them with exasperated eyes. "Why do you guys hate me all of a sudden?" She blurted.

She watched as Jia raised her eyebrows, the rush of students passing down the stairs with confused looks barely noticeable by her. Jia's lips were pursed. "Seriously?"

"Yeah—" Ru nodded, a defying tone salted in her voice— "seriously."

"Listen, Ru," Jia sighed, taking a short step towards her. "We don't hate you. We really liked you. But you've really shown your true colors and now we know you're fake... Don't expect us not to call you out."

Ru looked into the distance, shaking her head in disbelief. "Fake?"

This time, Chohee took her turn. "We asked for your help, girl to girl, but you obviously wanted the boys all to yourself—"

Wait, was she being serious?

"—We can see you don't care about girl code, so stop pretending you still want to be our friend."

Jia nodded along. "You backstabbed us."

Ru laughed in vexation. "I helped you set up the date, how was that me backstabbing you?"

"Yeah?" Jia's eyes turned to a sudden fiery gaze— "did you set him up to embarrass us too, then?"

What in the world was she talking about?

Ru heaved a difficult sigh; she seriously couldn't be bothered anymore. "If you like him so much then please just approach him yourself. Don't drag me into it."

"Well, it's the least you could've done as a friend," Chohee retorted. "What, is it so wrong for us to expect your help?"

Huh.

Just like that, the nature of their ill-fated friendship clicked.

Ru dropped into a low tone, teeth bared in anger— "I'm sure my help was the only thing you expected from me."

A brief silence ensued, and Ru took it as her cue to walk away. She turned around and trudged down the stairs.

Behind her, Chohee called out in a condescending mock. "You're so self-centered, it's crazy!"

Ru was going to get a headache from the amount of times she rolled her eyes. "If it helps you sleep at night," she retorted in exhaustion. She felt the wrath she pushed away rise up, each step stirring the boiling anger.

"Bitch," Ru slighted in a low tone.

"Hey, you have no right calling us a bitch, you were the one in the wrong—" Ru felt a tight grip around her wrist; she twisted to face a riled Jia.

"Don't touch me." Ru spat, glaring down at her hand, then up in defiance.

At that moment, the two former friends stared at each other intensely. Every moment spent at each others' bedroom, each tune that floated the dim karaoke rooms, every echo of laughter in bathrooms and classrooms faded into the air around them. A subtle rush of grief washed over Ru as she looked into the eyes of someone she no longer called a friend.

"Fine." Jia growled.

Jia tightened her grip one last time, before shoving Ru's hand away in an unpredictable force.

Ru's mind went blank; as she felt the touch of fingers slowly slip away, the floor beneath her right foot vanished. Her legs collapsed from the sudden change in flooring— the high-pitched screaming seemed distant as she tumbled down the flight of stairs, her sides knocking on every edge of the surface.

In a few harrowing seconds, the cold, hard floor finally broke her fall, the last brutal contact with the ground sending her thoughts into a spiraling blur.

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