50/365
Dear tumblr,
I’m gonna start off my posts like this. Hi it’s me. Ash. I’m back. Sorry I didn’t post much last January but you know me, I get lazy, and I procrastinate. I’m just gonna continue where I left off with my previous blog, 366daysof2016, though, I still can’t process that it’s already 2017.
So how am I? Great. Honestly, not. Life is really really really complicated. It’s probably really simple, just me making things complicated, I don’t know.
I actually have been worse. I thought I’ve already moved on from David. You see, I told myself that I already need to forget him and all, and I actually did. I met some guys on kik, some lasted on my chatbox, and some didn’t, but everything seemed okay. Everything seemed okay. Then for some reasons, I started cutting my wrist. I have plans to do it again sometime but, I can still hold it.
Okay back to the “David” topic. Everything keeps coming back and it was really hard for me cause I don’t have any space in my mind to think about him. I’m already thinking about a shit ton of crap in my head, and I don’t want to think about him anymore. I thought I already forgot about him. But everything keeps coming back.
So this one day, last Saturday, we went to an Amusement Park. Nothing connected to him at all. I had so much fun! I got home at around 11PM. Then I had a fucking dream.
It’s the worst type of dream, cause I was lucid. I’m always lucid when I dream about him, so it makes it even harder. In my dreame, he went to the Phillipines, he apologized. He did everything. I already kinda forgot, but one thing I remember is that it was fun. I had fun. I was happy.
The morning after, I realized how important he was to me, god I was thinking about him the whole fucking day! How I was so happy with him, how he made me feel special... The whole fucking day.
At around 10PM, I was on kik, just randomly flirting with strangers online. I did something impulsive. I messaged him.
me: dude
me: I fucking hate you so much
me: I wasn’t done with you yet and you fucking blocked me.
So here’s the time where I was supposed to reply another message cause I was gonna flood him with hate messages, but he fucking replied. Instantly. I didn’t expect that. He never replies fast.
David: Ok.
me: You fucking left me hanging
David: Yea
David: I suppose so
me: You even called the night before you blocked me!
me: what
me: that’s it
David: I’m sorry
me: no explanation or anything
David: I dont know what to say
me: right
me: just fucking say something please
Oh god I was so annoyed and so pissed and so nervous I felt everything at once. He didn’t even say anything. I wanted to hear something from him. I wanted an explanation. That was the only thing I needed to move on and yet he couldn’t give it to me.
David: I just
David: Idk I got caught up with the army
David: And I was afraid I’d hurt you
David: So I ran from the situation
David: Which still hurt you but atleast left room for hate
me: and went to her instead
me: yup
Ohhh shit put an ice to that burn, bitch.
David: Lol I’m not dating anyone so don’t try that
Uhm excuse me? Don’t you think I know anything you’ve been up to? Man I know everything. I have eyes everywhere. Everywhere. It’s kinda creepy, tbh.
me: lmaooooo
me: songia???
David: Go look at my stuff
David: Not dating anyone
David: In fact we broke up and I slept with someone else and now we don’t talk at all
First thing that came up to my mind: He’s not a virgin anymore. LMAOO.
David: So that’s that sticky situation I wasted 2 years on
Ha. Sticky. Cause you slept with someone? LMAO OKAY.
me: right
me: fuck
me: its been months
me: and its still you
me: fuck you okay
David: What do you mean me
Dumb-fucking-ass?? Are you that ignorant? or are you just dumb???
me: I hate you so much
me: you’re still the one I remember
David: Okay I expect that
me: I keep having dreams
(lmao why did I say that?)
David: I’m sorry
David: I dont know what to say or do
me: and its fucking annoying
me: its so hard to forget you
me: I keep getting these dreams
me: and it just made me remember you even more
David: Sorry
David: I don’t know what to say
ikr, it’s not like it’s your fault I get the dreams??
me: why did you just block me though
me: why didn’t you atleast say something
David: Trying to run again
David: Realized it’s not the right thing to do
David: I don’t have anything to say
David: You’re right I shouldn’t have left you hanging
David: It was wrong of me
David: I thought about it too
David: I felt bad
David: But I couldn’t face it
me: fuck you for leaving me when I already fell for you.
me: you even said you’re gonna go here
me: ugh
David: Fuck me
David: Okay I get it
David: You hate me
David: I’m shit
David: Leave me alone if that’s all you want to say
Seriously dude, do you really not sense my purpose here? I want you back.
me: I just wanted an explanation lol
me: and I didn’t want you to leave
me: those were the words you said and I can’t believe I’m saying it
me: I don’t want you to leave me alone
So that’s it that’s the serious part. The next part of our conversation wasn’t as long as this one but we were just bantering around. I don’t think he’s as comfortable with me as he was before but I feel like there’s still something.
I just feel so confused about my feelings for him, confused about what we are, confused about what he feels for me. Last Friday, he sent me a message, and I was in school
9:51 AM
David: Hey
David: You busy?
So I read it during my lunch time cause we were doing something
11:39 AM
me: I’m in school
1:42 PM
David: Call me after
2:32 PM
me: I can’t I have like 100MB left
9:43 PM
David: Ughh
David: Noooo
David: When do you get more
David: You are legit so cute
David: In your picture
David: And your body looks good lol
David: JUST SAYING.
I wasn’t able to reply cause I was watching this Selena Gomez film, Monte Carlo. It was really nice btw, I loved it.
11:00 PM
me: LMAOOO
me: I’m home now it’s like 11
David: What lol.
David: I know, I know
David: Why you laugh.
me: idk
me: whats up
David: Laying in bed being lazy
David: Hbu Piper
Fuck. Right in the feels. So much nostalgia. Piper’s the daughter of Aphrodite in the series that we love, he used to call me Piper, and I told him if I’m Piper then he’s the Jason to my Piper. (Jason’s the love interest of Piper in the books)
me: I just finished watching a movie
me: and it was greatttt I loved it
David: What movie?
David: *sends a cute selfie*
David: Lol look @ me
okay so I totally forgot that he asked a question cause a cute fucking selfie just popped in my screen.
me: you look different
David: Do I?
David: How so??
David: Bad huh
David: Thanks I’m ugly ik
me: yeah idk
me: you look happy
me: no wdym ugly
David: I am ugly
David: You making fun of me lol
David: Thanks
me: wtf you’re not ugly shut up
me: what time is it there
me: and where are you
David: I’m in kentucky US
David: And it is 0912 there!
Idk that’s probably how they read time in the army
David: Girl you’re obsessed
David: Lmao jkjk
me: ruuude
David: No
me: Kentucky though
me: KFC
David: I like you dw
okay... fuck... that was sudden. I mean, good job! That’s a great way to make me even more confused about what’s happening here!
me: ha
David: Yes lmao!
David: It’s not that good
David: I figured it would be the best here
David: But it’s the same as everywhere else
me: really?
me: that’s sad
David: It’s nothing special
David: Send me a selfie?
me: I dont have a selfie
me: jk
David: Send me one
David: Now
David: I order you
me: dude
me: chill
David: Lol nope I wanna seee youuuu
me: I’m still looking for something decent
David: Send them all
David: Right meow
me: *sends a selfie*
me: tada
me: I like that one lmao
me: hoe filter
me: I got more pimples
me: smhhhh
me: *sends another selfie*
me: and one time my hair became like this hahah
David: Fucking cute
David: Is that overalls lol
me: yes hahah
Then he left me on read. But because I’m a creepy-ass stalker that knows his facebook account, I saw his post that he shared. The post said, “I like clingy. I’d rather have someone who blows up my phone and shows they care than someone who texts back 12 hours later” So I messaged him this morning. I didn’t care if I double texted.
me: dude
me: when are you free
David: Not tonight, I don’t think
me: aw but when
David: Idk I’m with jocelyn rn
Who’s Jocelyn???
me: ohh okay
me: tell me when you’re available
David: Okay
So that was it. I notice that I keep on using the word ‘dude’. Idk what to call him?? Maybe I’ll refer to him as Jason soon. Back to his facebook though, he also shared a post that said, “I blocked my ex on everything but she somehow managed to message me through direct tv *a pic of that*”.. Well.. Was that me? Lol. I dont know!! Someone commented though, “Man, if she goes through that much trouble to try to talk to you I would have to give her a second chance haha” then he replied, “that’s true hahah” UGH ITS JUST SO CONFUSING. So that’s all I have to say about him.
Now I’m here typing this blog. I don’t know, I just wanna talk to him, on the phone. Maybe that’d clear things up, but for now, I never think about our future. I don’t wanna think about the next step, cause when it doesn’t happen, I’m just gonna be twice disappointed.
This was really a long first blogpost. See ya next time.
Love, Ash
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